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FunTranscript
00:00This is a production of the U.S. Department of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
00:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:59Duration, 78 hours, 14 minutes, 30 seconds, and counting.
01:04Subject vital signs, blood pressure normal, heart rate and respiration good.
01:08Brainwave pattern, okay, it's speed and time.
01:15Activate automatic boot paste dispensal unit.
01:18Roger, F-B-D-U is a go.
01:20Affirmative, we are blowing paste.
01:26He's eating it, we have paste down.
01:29Roger, we are approaching the Cosmic Raystorm.
01:34And it's an emergency evasion.
01:35Whoops, he hates spilled my coffee.
01:37Hey, get some paper towels on.
01:39I mean, deploy absorption panels.
01:42Roger, on the padding, I think we're seeing some progress.
01:45Oh, yeah, that's coming out.
01:47Thank you, Houston.
01:48Looks like we're out of the woods on that constant.
01:50Hey, Houston, how's that monkey doing up there?
02:00Oh, man.
02:02Houston, what's that you?
02:03Central tracking, we didn't copy that.
02:05Copy this, you jerks.
02:07Get me down out of here.
02:09Houston, that was the monkey.
02:11Roger, central tracking.
02:12We have talking monkey and brainwaves in the cave.
02:15Super genius.
02:17Uh-oh.
02:17You clowns.
02:19What are you guys shooting monkeys in the space for?
02:21It's been done to death.
02:22Well, Yank, we just wanted to see what monkeys were like in space.
02:27Oh, yeah?
02:28I'll save you time.
02:29I'll tell you what monkeys are like in space.
02:31Very angry.
02:32And we're awful sorry, little buddy, but that ray storm blew out our remote guidance system.
02:37We can't get you down without it.
02:38Ah, forget it.
02:39I'll get myself down, you dink.
02:42But I'll see you in time!
02:54Good morning, Arthur.
02:58Who are you?
02:59What are you doing in my apartment?
03:01If you guys are selling insurance, we don't want any.
03:07No, Dick.
03:07We're with the government.
03:09Well, no thanks.
03:10We've got all the government we need.
03:12We're secret government agents.
03:13We're here on official business.
03:15Pack a small bag.
03:16Your flight leaves in three hours.
03:18Uh, okay.
03:20What?
03:21This is Yank.
03:22Until 0800 hours this morning, he was a normal monkey in space.
03:25Due to massive cosmic rays, exposure, he now possesses the highest IQ on the planet.
03:28We want him to be the new head of our space program.
03:30He's that good.
03:31But here's the problem.
03:33Slideshow.
03:34Boring.
03:35Losing consciousness.
03:38Yank's capsule is about to splash down here, near the small island nation of Pocoponesia.
03:42This is Pineapple Pocopo.
03:44International tubblemaker and all-around ugly customer.
03:46He rules Pocoponesia with an iron fist.
03:48We feel certain he's going to make a grab for our monkey.
03:51Jack!
03:52Grab the monkey.
03:53Got it.
03:54Our government can't enter Pocopo's territorial waters without risking an international incident.
03:58That's where you come in, gentlemen.
04:00But why us?
04:02You were recommended by one of the country's most patriotic heroes.
04:05Hi, boys.
04:07American maid?
04:08She'll be the third member of your mission team.
04:10Here.
04:11You get two-way wrist radios and everything.
04:13Oh, smooth.
04:14Where is everybody?
04:24Where's my boat?
04:25Captain!
04:26You're in a lot of trouble, Houston!
04:28This is abandonment!
04:30This is mental anguish!
04:31Oh, great!
04:33Great!
04:34Don't think this isn't going to appear in my deposition!
04:38Hey!
04:39Get out of here!
04:40Hey!
04:42Take our government property!
04:43Don't eat me!
04:45I'm sorry!
04:45I'm sorry!
05:13Little monkey!
05:20Welcome to Pineapple Pocopo's Island Domain!
05:24You, Yank, will be our guest for the next...
05:26Uh, I'm sorry.
05:27What is a monkey's average lifespan?
05:2920 to 40 years.
05:30What's it to you?
05:31Our guest for the next 20 to 40 years.
05:34What?
05:35What's your phone?
05:36You will become Boca Puneja's first chief military advisor.
05:40You know, I've had my eye on Hawaii for quite some time, and that's where you come in.
05:44You will build me some kind of, oh, fantastic genius technology machine that would allow me to enslave Hawaii and root it with an iron fist.
05:53Or maybe something with neutrons.
05:54What do you think?
05:55Hmm.
05:56Come here.
05:56No, no, come here.
05:57Baja!
05:58We'll be!
05:59Ah, yes, I expected you might respond this way, so I've prepared a little speech.
06:03Ahem.
06:04I am not a smart man.
06:06I am not an honest man.
06:08I am not a clean man.
06:09I am not a rational man, but I am a very big man.
06:14You are a very smart monkey, but you are a very, very small monkey.
06:20Big man, small monkey.
06:23Got it!
06:24Got it!
06:28Arthur, come in.
06:36Repeat, come in, Arthur.
06:38I mean, Arnie.
06:40Over.
06:41Kick, cut it out.
06:43Uh, Arthur, you're going to blow my cover.
06:46My code name is Nick.
06:47I don't know you.
06:50Well, if you're going to be that way about it.
06:52Kick!
06:53Nick, Nick.
06:54We're not supposed to know each other.
06:56We're supposed to be three separate tourists enjoying a carefree island holiday.
07:01But what about our secret mission?
07:03Yes.
07:03That's the whole point.
07:05It's a secret.
07:06So quit talking about it.
07:08And if you don't stop spitting into your wrist radio, I swear I'll bust it over your head.
07:12Excuse me.
07:14I don't know either of you gentlemen.
07:15But I can't help but noticing that you're screwing everything up.
07:20Uh-uh.
07:21Would anyone care for some complimentary tap water?
07:24Oh, great.
07:25Great.
07:26And could I have a fresh pillow?
07:28This one's a little flat.
07:29Oh, and could I have another one of those salty peanuts?
07:32Oh, and my lips are a little dry.
07:34Could I have some balm?
07:35This is your captain speaking.
07:37I've turned on the fasten seatbelt sign.
07:40Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened and that your seats are in an upright position.
07:45May I remind you that in the likely event of a water landing, the seat cushions beneath you are the property of Pineapple Air and may not be removed from the cabin.
07:55And thank you for choosing Pineapple Air.
08:00Welcome to the Royal Pineapple Hotel.
08:12Name?
08:13Ginny.
08:14Very good.
08:14And the last name?
08:16Oh, last name.
08:17Uh, Smith.
08:19Hey, no one told me we had to pick up last names.
08:22Over.
08:22And you, sir?
08:25Uh, Arnie.
08:26Uh, uh, Jones.
08:27Very good.
08:29Sir?
08:30Oh, uh, Nick.
08:32Uh, uh, Nick's soap dish.
08:35Nick's soap dish.
08:37Uh-huh.
08:38Nick's soap dish.
08:40Uh, yes, it's, uh, French.
08:41That's funny.
08:42It sounds more made up to me.
08:45Well, time to hit the surf.
08:59Welcome to the...
09:00I can't believe it.
09:02Tourists have finally come to Pocahonesia.
09:04Oh, my ads in those travel magazines are really starting to pay off.
09:08Oh, and pretty, too.
09:10Oh.
09:15How's the water, Mr. Soap dish?
09:33Oh, you know, it's a little sharky.
09:35But it's okay once you get used to it.
09:37Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
09:40At last, Pocahonesia is becoming the new tourist hotspot.
09:45Armpit of the Pacific, indeed.
09:47But, General Pocopo, something tells me those tourists are secret agents from America.
09:52Nonsense.
09:53They're just playing folks up for a good time.
09:56It's our job to give it to them.
09:58We just have to find out what they want.
10:00I think they want the monkey.
10:02And I think you are not listening to me.
10:05What we need here is a little market research.
10:09Can I?
10:10General Pocopo, no!
10:13Now, you get back to the hotel and invite that pretty one up here.
10:17We'll have a little dinner and find out what she's looking for in an island paradise.
10:24Oh, a little monkey.
10:25How's that fantastic genius technology machine coming?
10:29I'm just waiting to conquer Hawaii.
10:31Oh, yeah.
10:32We'll have that island chain on its knees in no time.
10:35Good, good.
10:38Come in.
10:41Nick.
10:41Honey.
10:42All right.
10:44This is Secret Agent Nick, over.
10:46Listen, we've got to put together a plan.
10:48What do we know so far?
10:50Well, Pocopo stays in a fortified palace just off the north shore of the island.
10:55Yes.
10:55And it's surrounded by deadly riptides and shark-infected waters.
10:59Nick, what did you get?
11:01Well, I found some very pretty shells and I got this lovely leg.
11:05Watch it.
11:09Someone's coming.
11:12Janine Smith, His Excellency General Pocopo, cordially invites you to his palace for dinner,
11:19followed by a one-woman focus group on tourism in Pocoponesia.
11:22It's free.
11:23Great.
11:24I'll be there.
11:27What a break.
11:28You boys work your way out to the palace for now.
11:30I'll call when I find Yank.
11:32How is my genius machine coming along, little monkey?
11:39It'll be ready by tonight.
11:41Tonight?
11:41Really?
11:42Excellent.
11:43But tell me, how does it work?
11:45Well, you just aim it at Hawaii and pull the trigger.
11:48Ah, good work.
11:50And after we've secured Honolulu, we'll reload and conquer Wyoming.
11:55Yeah.
11:56You know, Polk, as your chief prisoner and military advisor, I feel I should inform you that your
12:01logic is flawed.
12:02You see, you're succumbing to the fallacy of the unbounded middle.
12:06Wow.
12:07Really?
12:07Oh, yeah, absolutely.
12:09But what is this unbounded middle you speak of, oh, genius monkey mind?
12:13It's, well, you know, on the end it's, and then it's creamy, but I used to know, but somehow
12:21I can't remember.
12:28Come in, Secret Agent Arnie.
12:30This is Secret Agent Nick.
12:32Over.
12:33Yeah, yeah, this is Arnie.
12:35Where are you, Nick?
12:36I'm in position and prepared to embark.
12:38Are you in position and prepared to embark?
12:41Ken, that ain't Nick.
12:42Nick, would you give me a few minutes?
12:44It's a jungle out here.
12:46That's a big 10-4.
12:48Agent Nick out.
12:52Ow.
12:55Well, Miss Nick, my general philosophy is this.
12:58Whether you're oppressing a people or running a resort, you go with your strengths.
13:02In America, you've got your Grand Canyon, your Mount Rushmore.
13:06In France, you've got your Apple Power.
13:08And what exactly are Polka-Penisic strengths, General?
13:14Well, we've got two things, basically.
13:16We've got pineapple, and we've got sharks.
13:19Go with the pineapple.
13:20The angst journal.
13:24Last entry.
13:26Oh, lo, to the whip that withers and the brief, bright candle of my mind.
13:30Earlier, when I was talking to that big ape Polka-Pol, I could see what's beginning to happen.
13:35Based on my calculations, the effects of the cosmic ray storm on my brain will wear off in only a few short hours.
13:40He's only one who...
13:43I'm going to be real dumb real soon.
13:50Arnie.
13:50Arnie, come in.
13:52Ar...
13:53Oh, come on, Arthur.
13:54Come in.
13:55I won't spit in the radio anymore.
13:56I promise.
13:58I think this sightseer has seen enough sights for today.
14:03Ha, ha, ha.
14:04Enough for a lifetime.
14:05Ha, ha, ha.
14:07You read me.
14:11Are you okay?
14:12Help!
14:13I told you I'm a tourist.
14:14Help!
14:15Ha, ha.
14:16I'm going to tell my travel agent about this.
14:19Yeah, right, Mr. Tourist.
14:21The only thing you're going to be saying is,
14:23Ow, ow, there's a shark biting my leg.
14:27Ha, ha, ha.
14:27Oh, well.
14:29Hey, you jerks, let that tourist go.
14:32What?
14:32No!
14:35Hee, hee, hee.
14:37Contact!
14:50Ow.
14:52Arthur!
15:01Let him go!
15:06How could you say let him go?
15:08Well, I didn't mean it in that sense.
15:10Oh, forget it.
15:12Listen, we've got to get out to the fortress
15:14before those henchmen can warm Poke-Po.
15:16All right, then.
15:18Let him tend for justice.
15:24Oh, Zanine.
15:25May I call you Zanine?
15:27If I were to enslave the population of, say, Hawaii
15:30and rule it with an iron fist,
15:33would that be the kind of place you might enjoy vacationing?
15:36You've got a little pineapple on your face.
15:46Zanine, I'd like you to meet Yank,
15:49my pet monkey and chief military advisor.
15:52Oh, he's actually very smart.
15:56Say something smart, Yank.
15:58Please excuse me, Zanine.
15:59Yank, I'm not really Zanine Smith.
16:02I'm American-made.
16:03I'm a superhero.
16:04I've been sent to get you out of here.
16:07I think I should tell you
16:08I'm not the genius monkey I used to be.
16:11That's not the point.
16:13My job is to get you back to America.
16:15They want you to head the space program.
16:17Well, it's their money.
16:20Hello?
16:21Oh, why, no, it's going wonderfully.
16:24Why is it?
16:25What?
16:26I'm telling you,
16:27we just had a fight with the other two in the jungle.
16:30They're secret agents,
16:31and they're heading your way.
16:33Then they all must be secret agents.
16:36Oh, this is so sad.
16:38Now I have to feed Zanine to the sharks,
16:41and we've still never had a tourist.
16:43Well, well, Zanine Smith.
16:58Where were we?
17:00Ah, yes.
17:00Mr. Felicia's strong point.
17:02I trust you've enjoyed our delicious pineapples.
17:05Uh-oh.
17:06Now I think it's time for you to sample our sharks.
17:28Well, Miss Smith,
17:30you played a little joke on me.
17:31Now I have a little joke for you.
17:33You'll never get away with this, Polkipo.
17:36How could you tell if a shark likes you?
17:40He takes another bite.
17:43A little Polkipenician humor.
17:48Ah, your friends must be arriving.
17:51But I think we have enough sharks to go around.
17:54Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
18:03Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
18:08Oh, ho, ho, ho.
18:09Oh, ho, ho, ho.
18:09You let me go!
18:12Get back, you!
18:13Oh!
18:13Yank, throw me that morning line so I can...
18:30So I can...
18:31Yank!
18:32Wait a minute.
18:34Listen.
18:34Out, out.
18:35The machine has up on the board.
18:36The plan of working.
18:39Yank.
18:40The mooring line.
18:42It's a escape pod.
18:44I, I, I...
18:45Great.
19:00Oh, that was pretty good.
19:09You're not kidding.
19:10Now put me down.
19:18Come on.
19:19Yank built us an escape pod.
19:21Ooh, good monkey.
19:28Ooh, good monkey.
19:30No!
19:45This is it.
19:47And do you gang swear to fulfill your duties and obligations
19:51as director of the National Space Program?
19:55Ha ha ha!
19:56Oh, let's put that down as a yes.
20:03Someone get the director a banana!
20:05You know, gang, when you're a superhero, you never know where the day will take you.
20:10You may find yourself halfway around the world in the shark-infested waters of true-to-life living.
20:16Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge.
20:20You can't know, can you?
20:22No!
20:23You gotta ride that wave.
20:25You gotta suck that lozenge.
20:26Because if you don't, who will?
20:30Where do you get this stuff?
20:33Where indeed.
20:34You gotta ride that wave.
20:34Indeed.
20:34Indeed.
20:35Indeed.
20:35Indeed.
20:35Indeed.
20:36Indeed.
20:36Indeed.
20:36Indeed.
20:37Transcription by CastingWords