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TVTranscript
00:00So, what about Rita?
00:03Your dad ran off with her and maybe they came back to England?
00:05Give it a rest. Volunteering at an old age company.
00:08I've made a business plan. It'll make our wedding fun back by Christmas.
00:11Mr. Campbell, you can't work on the shop floor.
00:1324 hours, where we, Glenn, gets the photo.
00:17It's a warning link. Someone don't want us to find him.
00:19It's on, Dad. We're coming for you.
00:30There.
00:34Your presents have arrived.
00:40What's that?
00:41Morning. You're up early.
00:43Well, brick through a window makes a man vigilant, so...
00:45Right. Yeah, we're getting that fixed, so...
00:48What presents?
00:50Oh, er, nothing.
00:52Nothing?
00:53Yeah, no, just gifts for my mum for her new flat.
00:57So, Glenn's bought your mum some presents for her new flat?
01:00Exactly, yeah.
01:01Right, okay.
01:02Curse, where's the, er...
01:04What's all those?
01:05It's your presents, Glenn.
01:06My...
01:07Er, yeah, yeah, the gifts for Sue, for mum, for a new flat.
01:10You bought them?
01:11Did I?
01:12Yes, you... we did, remember?
01:14No, I don't remember.
01:16Why don't I remember?
01:17You need to get some Omega-3 Daniel, mate, cos, er, cognitive decline is no joke.
01:22Oh, God, yeah, I do remember, yeah.
01:24Sorry, it's, er, my mind-like, er, what's it, thingy.
01:27Well, I'll wait outside.
01:28Sorry.
01:29What with everything going on?
01:30I forgot.
01:31You will be very sorry later.
01:32Well, not quite sure about...
01:33Oh, okay.
01:34No, well, we can return that.
01:35But the main thing is we're doing it.
01:36Properly.
01:37Why is there a wig?
01:38Oh, it's for me to build a character.
01:39I've got to build a character, Glenn.
01:40Do you?
01:41Yeah.
01:42You know, it's role-play.
01:43Just, just try it, love.
01:44You might like it.
01:45Oh, better go.
01:46Have a great first day.
01:47Yeah.
01:48Oh, mwah.
01:49Say hi to Uncle Ron.
01:50Take care of business for me.
01:51Chastex.
01:52Cock cage.
01:53Oh, Christ.
01:54I'm sorry.
01:55I'm sorry later.
01:56I'm sorry later.
01:57I'm not quite sure about...
01:58Oh, okay.
01:59No, well, we can return that.
02:00But the main thing is we're doing it.
02:01Properly.
02:02Why is there a wig?
02:03Oh, it's for me to build a character.
02:04I've got to build a character, Glenn.
02:05Do you?
02:06Yeah.
02:07You know, it's role-play.
02:08Just, just try it, love.
02:09You might like it.
02:10Oh, Christ.
02:12Take it from me.
02:13Take it from me.
02:14Lee, are we sure about this?
02:15Because it seems a bit...
02:16Calm down, Glenda.
02:17We're just looking for the old man.
02:19Nothing dangerous.
02:20Just a little mooch about it, that's all.
02:21Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:22Right?
02:23Yeah.
02:24You ready?
02:25I've just got to a message to Aisha.
02:27You're the manager now?
02:29You can bunk off whenever you want.
02:30Yeah, I'm not bunking off, Lee.
02:31I've taken half day's compression at Lee, actually.
02:33So it's...
02:34Wait, wait, wait, wait.
02:35Hey.
02:36Lee.
02:37Lee.
02:38Okay, we say we're here to speak to Rita Cusinelli.
02:40We ask if she's got any information about Don Campbell.
02:42We say we're his sons.
02:43I say I'm Glen Campbell.
02:44Yeah, I know me fucking name, Glen.
02:46I want this to be right, Lee.
02:47This might be the last chance we've got to find Dad.
02:49Just...
02:50Just follow my lead.
02:52Yeah?
02:53Mmm.
02:55Um, hi.
02:56Yes?
02:57Huh?
02:58Um, we, we, we, we, um...
03:01We're...
03:02We're doing a survey.
03:03We're from the council.
03:04Council?
03:05Yes, the council.
03:06You're Rita Cusinelli.
03:07Glen.
03:08Ah.
03:09Show her your ID.
03:10Yeah.
03:11We want to know your faults on potholes and that.
03:19Sure.
03:20Why not?
03:21Allons-y, fellas.
03:23What the fuck are you doing, Lee?
03:24This is, this is not fraud.
03:25We're in, ain't we?
03:26Yeah, but what if you're in my lanyard?
03:27Nobody reads the ID, Glen.
03:28Especially not yours.
03:29You're five foot five and an M&S could go.
03:30All right, but what...
03:31Listen, she fucking hates potholes.
03:32We're giving them a chance to fend, all right?
03:33Oh.
03:34Why not?
03:35How about I fix you boys a drink?
03:37Dry?
03:38Oh, uh, it's quite early.
03:40Oh.
03:49How about I fix you boys a drink?
03:55Dry martini?
03:56Oh, it's quite early.
03:58Oh, dry martini?
04:00No, I'm off the source.
04:02Fine, just a guacondimane.
04:04Yeah?
04:05Yeah, cleaned up me act.
04:08Oh.
04:09Sorry, fresh out of lemons.
04:12But who can tell the bloody difference, eh?
04:16Yeah.
04:17So, who are you?
04:19And what do you want?
04:21Well, yeah, so, so, er, potholes are weird.
04:23Yeah, yeah, yeah, you I might believe, but Harry McCleary here put a suit on a gorilla and I'd be more convinced.
04:31So, what is this all about, then?
04:34And if you're thinking of pilfering my silverware, I should warn you, Tom Jones is looking after me.
04:41Hmm?
04:41Why is he called Tom Jones?
04:50That man is our finest entertainer.
04:53Oh, don't worry.
04:54He's fine as long as I'm here.
04:56I know his safe command.
04:58One of Tom's greatest hits.
05:00Which one?
05:01Well, that would be telling, wouldn't it?
05:03Um, we're, we're, we're, we're here looking for Don, Tom Campbell.
05:08Um, it's family business.
05:10We're, we're his sons.
05:11Oh, my God.
05:13Uh, we understand you were close.
05:15You look just like him.
05:17That neck, like a, like a rolled ham.
05:22Uh, sorry.
05:22So, er, did you live together?
05:24Because we don't really know where he went after Tenerife.
05:26Ancient history, boys.
05:28I'm afraid I'd rather put him near a box.
05:31So have we, my darling.
05:32We cremated the cunt.
05:33Turns out he ain't even dead.
05:35So we've got some questions.
05:37Yeah.
05:38Don was my lover for a time.
05:40And then one morning I woke up, rolled over.
05:44What do you know?
05:45He'd gone.
05:46There's still a duffel bag of his somewhere.
05:49In the loft or the garage.
05:51I can't remember.
05:52Where did he go?
05:53Don't know.
05:54You'd better ask the Kelsock crowd.
05:56I doubt he's settled down.
05:58Couldn't find peace after what happened.
06:00What happened?
06:05I think you boys had better leave.
06:06Hang on, hang on, sorry.
06:07Look, I can't stand around chatting.
06:09I flooded my basement.
06:11Washer dryer again.
06:13I should call a plumber.
06:14It's like the fucking Ganges down there.
06:16Sorry, wait.
06:18Fucking mess with me.
06:19No one's fucking messing with you.
06:21We just want some intel.
06:23Yeah.
06:24Tom.
06:26Should we just go?
06:28Yeah.
06:30Ciao, ragazzi.
06:32It's been a blast.
06:34If you turn to page nine, you'll see that cost of profit is running at 6.3% and I believe
06:40we can improve.
06:41I believe that with your help, we can make big change.
06:46Talking to me?
06:47Oh, no, sorry.
06:49First day of a new job, so I'm just practising.
06:52Oh.
06:53Oh, right.
06:55You look the part.
06:57Mmm.
06:58Just like that, um...
07:00Oh, what's her name?
07:02Deborah Meadham.
07:04A little younger.
07:05Do you know that's exactly what I was going for?
07:07How kind of you.
07:09Thank you for that.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Yeah.
07:12Lovely.
07:12Oh.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Lovely.
07:20Show us your feet.
07:22Oh.
07:23Oh, no.
07:25No.
07:26Absolutely not.
07:27No thank you at all.
07:31Fuck!
07:32Chill out, stroppy Giuseppe.
07:34Sorry.
07:35Just need to get hold of that duffel bag.
07:36Now, she said it was in the loft or the garage.
07:38What?
07:39Like, break in?
07:40She's got evidence of bad, Glenn.
07:42You want to track him down or not?
07:43You go in the garage.
07:44There's a little side window, all right?
07:46You'll slip right in.
07:48Okay.
07:49If you find anything, you need to let me know.
07:51Give me a signal.
07:52I don't want to be in there any longer than I need to be.
07:54Signal?
07:54What signal?
07:55I can do a bird noise.
07:56I can do a bird noise.
07:56I can do a wood pigeon.
07:57Ho, ho, ho, ho.
08:01Just find me.
08:03Oh, right.
08:04Yeah.
08:08Hello.
08:30Hello.
08:30hi there i'm i'm kirstie wallace i know
08:38i'm pam sorry dan pam as in pamela as in i am a woman
08:48yes no yes well absolutely me too what is it the gay haircut no that's not a flat chest i don't
08:58think that i don't you no i think they look lovely what i'm so sorry um pam could you help me find my
09:05desk just because i'm gonna i drop my bag down i'll find ron if he's about and just running through
09:11the business plan plan yes cost saving strategies and streamlining ideas it's exciting stuff yeah
09:21hold that yeah okay no problem right yep okay i get it
09:30listen love yeah i have been here since day dot and you're not six foot through that door and you
09:38want to change things no no no oh no i didn't mean there is no desk everything you need is in the bog
09:46room the bog room oh the room with the bog in it it's fucking filthy mind you might want to give it
09:55a wipe first right that's so sorry sorry pam uh i think i think we've got some cross wires and because
10:04there is um
10:19hey
10:34MUSIC CONTINUES
11:00Oi, Ron, that woman's here.
11:02She's got more business plan.
11:04Oh, crikey. Keep her busy, will you?
11:14Found some more.
11:18Good luck.
11:32Good luck.
11:34Good luck.
11:36Can I help you?
11:50I noticed that your guttering was a bit loose.
11:56My guttering is fucking immaculate.
12:02What?
12:04Good luck.
12:10Love is like candy on a shell.
12:14You want to taste and help yourself.
12:20The sweetest things are there for you.
12:24Help yourself, take a few.
12:26That's what I want you to do.
12:31We're always told repeatedly.
12:34Keep it coming.
12:36The very best in life is free.
12:42And if you want to prove it's true,
12:44Baby, I'm telling you
12:46This is what you should do.
12:50Fucking hell.
12:52Just help yourself
12:54To my left.
12:56To my left.
12:58She'll save you all.
13:00What?
13:02It's not unusual.
13:04She's a lady.
13:06You!
13:07Beat me, girls!
13:08I'm home!
13:09Ah!
13:10Ah!
13:11Ah!
13:12Ah!
13:13Six pounds!
13:14Ah!
13:15Ah!
13:16Ah!
13:17What have you supposed to get?
13:18Ah!
13:19Ah!
13:20Ah!
13:21Ah!
13:22Ah!
13:23Ah!
13:24Ah!
13:25Where the fuck were you?
13:26I tried calling you.
13:27I knew you got to hunt to shreds.
13:29What?
13:30Nothing.
13:31Oh.
13:32What's in the bed?
13:33I'm not sure.
13:34I'm not sure.
13:35What's in the bed?
13:36Yes.
13:37Not much.
13:38There's some videotape.
13:39A shitload of chewing gum.
13:40And these.
13:41Hang on.
13:42Kel.
13:43Kel.
13:44She said that, didn't she?
13:45Kelsock.
13:46Ask the Kelsock lot.
13:47This is it.
13:48This is the next stop.
13:49We need to find out what this Kelsock is.
13:50What?
13:51In the meantime, we see what's on that tape.
13:53I don't have a tape player.
13:54I mean, who even does have a tape player now?
13:56Sir.
13:57Lovely.
13:58Then what we need to do is...
14:00What are you...
14:01Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:04It's nothing.
14:05It's just an air in me mouth.
14:09Can we fucking drive, please?
14:10Yes!
14:11Oh, shit!
14:12Anything to work!
14:13There is no opportunity, you know?
14:14Opportunity not spamming.
14:20we're not getting involved no listen sooner or later i'm gonna be running this place yeah
14:37we need the cash not from the old bears look we'll give them back their pallets end of
14:44don't pout bunny you're 52. think you can ignore me kirsty who even are you time's almost up
15:02you'll meet me tonight or we clan gets the photos
15:06oh listen i'm off i'm on duty tonight oh i'll make a debt instructor um well thank you for your service
15:24that's wrong get it um i'll make sure i'll give it to you
15:28whether natural fiber or synthetic we cater to all needs
15:34and now sir or madam please browse our wide range of samples here
15:41please bye i'll beg you please
15:56boobs nah to be fair you've got good ones
16:00bitch nice one mate you scared them off i should do you know about this it says we've got an audit
16:13in three days no idea ask ian ian doesn't work here anymore oh yeah books you meant books i thought you
16:25were straight up perving don't worry i'm gonna get her back yo yo let me show you the samples why are you
16:33running from me
16:43lee come in
16:45i said come in i thought you said come in no i said come in okay what are you doing well i'm having
16:55a trim ain't i right uh you can turn around now do you not do that in the shower what unclog the pipes
17:02leave off cursed i'm not a savage bird using finesting what would you want um i just wanted to talk to you
17:11uh about that thing that happened um between us right well i needed it what i needed it cursed
17:22and i'm a better man for it now i don't think we're sometimes a geezer needs to slap cursed and i'll
17:27thank you for that oh right um no well not so not that thing um the other thing between us
17:34us in the car that time uh like well you know as far as i'm concerned same and it wasn't no and god
17:43forbid that glenn exactly okay no one needs to know no exactly except somebody does know
17:52what look um is glenn eating a mr whippy yes oh go on sorry sorry that's um that's not uh my phone's
18:07just oh it's been really slow um just need to free up some storage you should connect to the cloud
18:13i should i should connect to the cloud yeah okay yep here so um it just started off sort of threats
18:21okay who is he i don't know but now they want 1600 pounds or he's going to tell glenn and i don't know
18:27what to do because i don't have the money and i'm meant to be meeting him tonight and he's irish
18:31he's irish he's like properly irish breathe
18:34sit down okay
18:44right well you're going to message him back and you're going to tell him that you're going to be
18:49there okay wait what you're going to be there and this is what we're going to do come on lee if we
18:57hurry up we can get there hello love oh hi hiya how was your first day yeah just yet
19:04yeah yeah well stack of tuesday so you can tell me all about it over a very shoddily made burrito
19:12what are you just chatting about we were just talking about sheds sheds wasn't we yes
19:18well yeah because ours is rotten through glenn it's fact so what we're going to do
19:22you know if the strimmer rusts up yeah or oh no no well exactly so um we are actually going to go
19:31home base home base and yeah we're going to look for a new one what now stack our tuesday
19:40all right i'll come with you then well i wouldn't bother oh no no don't worry about that
19:43no you stay here put your feet up so yeah yeah all right okay love you
19:48hey hey i know love what's going on what
19:59what do you mean i'm not fake you're making an effort with him and it means a lot
20:06so sue this tape player i'm gonna get led lights all around the units as well oh and
20:18waste disposal sink
20:22off margaret it's uh yeah wow so have you got that vcr i haven't finished my tour yet
20:30do you care to join me out on the demi terrace
20:39views to die for eh um oh yeah it's lovely yeah yeah you can tell kirsty that because she ain't
20:46visited oh no she will she's just been busy you know it's the new job and that so it's um too busy
20:52for our own mother because i could have snuffed it up here and nobody will any the wiser i could have
20:57tumbled seven floors to my untimely death could i not well glad you haven't who is she anyway oh
21:05yeah no she's gone to home base with lee just making an effort with him it's nice yeah oh right
21:12what nothing it's what i mean to stir the pot but keep a night well
21:20erin lee keep an eye why the thing is about kirstie yeah emotionally speaking is that
21:33she's unstable hmm and what with lee's masculine energy i mean i would be surprised if a girl wasn't
21:40taken with it wouldn't you
21:41oh look at me gabin on you've just come from the vcr stay put and i'll dig her right out all right
22:01the voice note said to park by the red bins and he'll be sitting on a bench nearby
22:04oh my actual god i think that's him lee lee i think that's him what that looks like a bag of
22:24money didn't it what is it half a dozen tins of pilchards now you just get near him and you whack it
22:30right around his head it'll daze him and then i'll bowl in what no i can't assault him well we
22:36ain't got no readies have we so either you clamp him or we end your relationship deal is choice
22:47here's a couple more tins
22:51oh my god i can't do that
22:53oh my god
22:56calm down i'll be on the other end of the phone
22:59okay
23:07i'll be on the other end of the phone
23:26looks like it does
23:28oh shit
23:30go on
23:32don't worry you've got me in your ear
23:35if anything happens i'm there i've told you go on oh my god
23:42hands where i can see them kirsty
23:45that's it
23:47keep moving
23:48that's it
23:52what the
23:52fuck
23:53keep moving
23:58that's it
24:01i can't do it
24:04please can you hear me
24:06please
24:07please where are you
24:09please
24:09please
24:14open your present
24:15it's not
24:16uncle ron
24:19look ma'am
24:20look what i got
24:23that's it
24:25put the bag on the ground
24:26kirsty
24:27stop
24:28don't come any closer
24:29kirsty
24:30stop there
24:31stop there
24:33and put the bag down
24:36put the bag down
24:37kirsty
24:38put the bag down
24:39kirsty
24:40put it down
24:41that's it
24:42good girl
24:43after all
24:44kirsty
24:45back away
24:45from the
24:46oh
24:47oh
24:47oh
24:48oh
24:48no
24:50no
24:52oh
24:53come here
24:53come here
24:54aha
24:56i need to
24:56come and give us a hand
24:57kuz
24:57come here
24:59fly away
25:03let's fucking have it
25:04who are you
25:05no no no
25:08hello kirsty
25:13who the fuck are you
25:18i said when is the meeting
25:21let's fucking do this
25:43you
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