00:00This is the story of Snow White.
00:08Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, wicked queen.
00:11Every day, she would take a duck-faced selfie,
00:14post it to Instagram with,
00:15Hashtag Who's the Fairest?
00:17And every day, her followers would reply,
00:19You are, or Dad Ass.
00:21And the queen was pleased.
00:23But one day, her followers said,
00:25Hashtag Snow White.
00:27Snow White, said the queen.
00:29Siri, who is this little slut?
00:31I'm sorry, I can't help you at this time.
00:33Please ask again later, said Siri.
00:35What the f**k? What are you?
00:36Some magic f**king eight ball, shrieked the queen,
00:38throwing her phone across the room.
00:40So the queen called in the royal apple genius.
00:43You're probably disconnected from the tower's Wi-Fi, my queen.
00:46Then reconnect me. The 4G in this tower sucks.
00:49Also, go find Snow White and kill her.
00:52So the royal genius went and found Snow White
00:54and brought her into the woods to kill her.
00:57When he saw her, he was struck not only by how beautiful she was,
01:00but by how much they had in common.
01:02They both wore funky glasses.
01:04They both thought every episode of Girls was goddamn Shakespeare
01:06and needed to be discussed for hours.
01:08And they were both so over Facebook.
01:11It was a match made in hipster heaven.
01:13In fact, the royal genius was so sad about having to kill Snow White
01:17that he decided he would compromise.
01:19He would just leave her in the woods to starve to death and be eaten by animals.
01:23You know, win-win.
01:25The plan would have worked,
01:26but Snow White was spotted by seven dwarves who took her home with them.
01:29Meanwhile, the queen was still angry because Snow White had so many more Instagram followers than she did.
01:34So the royal genius suggested she go on Chat Roulette to take her mind off things.
01:38Pretty soon, the queen forgot all about Snow White because the perverts on Chat Roulette made her feel good about herself again.
01:44Back in the woods, the dwarves were totally getting sick of Snow White and her hipster bullshit.
01:49I mean, if they had to hear one more time about how cool Zooey Deschanel was, they were going to kill themselves.
01:54Soon, the royal genius, who somehow knew where Snow White was hiding out,
01:58showed up with flowers to express his love to Snow White.
02:01She said she felt the same way, too, and Snapchatted the bouquet to all her friends, saying,
02:05Still a sucker for chivalry?
02:07Then the royal genius said,
02:09Hey, it would be a real turn-on for me if the dwarves could watch us, you know. Do it?
02:15Well, it would be fine with me, but I think they'd rather just watch porn, said Snow White.
02:20Well, I guess I'll just cut their internet then. Win-win, said the genius.
02:25And they all lived happily ever after.
02:28Come back next time and you'll hear the fable of the princess who got syphilis.
02:37What?
02:38You
