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Max poses as an insane colonel in order to prove that a KAOS psychiatrist is stealing confidential information revealed by his patients. This episode is notable for its use of a secret KAOS weapon: a phone booth that fills with water.
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00:00Miss Sloan?
00:27Oh, Dr. Brom, I was just catching up on some last-minute filing the transcripts from today's patients.
00:34Such diligence deserves to be rewarded.
00:38I can do it in the morning.
00:42Good night, Doctor.
00:44Good night.
00:54Admiral Weaver's file.
00:57So that's it.
00:59What a pity.
01:01Take care of her, George.
01:02Hello?
01:03Hello?
01:04Hello?
01:34Hello?
01:45Hello?
01:51Hello?
02:03Hello?
02:04Is this Maxwell Smart, the secret agent?
02:06Yes, this is Maxwell Smart.
02:08But what makes you think I'm a secret agent?
02:11I live in your apartment house, Mr. Smart, and once I saw you talking into your shoe.
02:15Who is this?
02:17My name is Joanna Sloan, and I have some information that should be vital to our government.
02:30I'm a secretary to Dr. Myron Braum, the psychiatrist.
02:34Well, thank you very much, Miss Sloan, but I'm handling my problems pretty well.
02:38No, you don't understand.
02:40I have reason to believe that a secret organization called Chaos is receiving information from us.
02:55Mr. Smart, they're trying to drown me.
02:59Well, of course they're...
03:01They're trying to drown you?
03:03Where are you?
03:04I'm in a phone booth in the Hancock building.
03:06You're drowning in a phone booth?
03:09Mr. Smart, the phone booth's filling up with water!
03:12Well, why don't you leave and call me from another booth?
03:15I can't get out!
03:16You can't!
03:17Mr. Smart!
03:18Now, look, Miss Sloan.
03:19I don't know who you are or what your little game is, but I do know this much.
03:23Nobody can drown in a phone booth.
03:27Miss Sloan?
03:29Miss Sloan?
03:33Yes, sir?
03:34Operator, I've been cut off.
03:36Sorry, sir. Your party has been drowned.
03:47Miss Sloan?
03:48Hooray!
03:50Mr. Smart!
03:53How have I come and meet you all today?
03:55Well, let's go.
03:56P tentar made up his plays.
03:58I see something the rejoins today...
04:00Hey!
04:03Hey!
04:06Hey!
04:08Maybe.
04:10Okay.
04:15Hey!
04:16THE END
04:46A Miss Joanna Sloan was found drowned in a river
04:51But I'm telling you, Chief, she was drowned in a phone booth
04:54Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?
04:58How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim
05:00Max, forget the phone booth
05:03You reported that Miss Sloan mentioned a possible link between her employer and chaos
05:08What was a man's name? Maybe we have something on him in our Omniphal
05:11Oh, wait a minute, my Chief
05:13I think it was John, that's it
05:15Dr. John
05:16John, Chief, that's with a J
05:23J
05:23John
05:27On the other hand, it might have been Sean
05:30No, maybe it was you, Sean
05:37No, I think it was Brom
05:43Brom
05:49Oh, here it is
05:54Dr. Myron Brom
05:57On the other hand, it could have been Crumb
06:00Max
06:03Sorry about that, Chief
06:05Dr. Myron Brom
06:13He's one of Washington's top psychiatrists
06:16He's been getting classified data from government officials and passing it on to chaos
06:20It could destroy our national security
06:23Well, how are we going to proceed, Chief?
06:26I have a plan
06:27This is step one
06:36Well, Dr. Brom
06:39This is General McFarland at the Pentagon
06:41What I'm about to say to you is confidential information, of course
06:45We have an officer in our special weapons branch named Colonel Smart
06:50He's been acting in a very disturbed manner lately
06:53And severely affecting his work
06:55Would you be able to see him later?
06:58Yes, I can see him after my last patient tonight
07:01Tell him to be here around six
07:03The building will be locked
07:05But the janitor can let him in
07:07Thank you, Doctor
07:09Forgive me, Admiral
07:11Let's see now
07:16Ah, yes
07:19You were telling me you felt very guilty about the Third Fleet
07:25Yes
07:26Without any warning to the families of the crew
07:29I had to order the Third Fleet
07:31To the Mediterranean
07:33Now, here is step two
07:37Oh, wait a minute, Chief
07:38There's just one question I'd like to ask
07:40Yes
07:41Who is this Colonel Smart?
07:44I don't believe I know him
07:45You're Colonel Smart
07:48Oh
07:48I am?
07:50Yes
07:50Now, Max, I want you to go to Dr. Brom
07:52And pose as a disturbed Army officer
07:54Ninety-nine will go along as your wife
07:56Now, you are to keep Dr. Brom busy
07:59While she's searching through his files in the outer office
08:01Oh, I get it
08:02And then while he's talking to her
08:04I'll be searching his desk in the inner office
08:07Exactly
08:08Now, Max, this is a difficult assignment
08:10You've got to convince the doctor that you're emotionally disturbed
08:13Now, just a minute
08:15There's a lot of things I do for control, Chief
08:18But this is a little out of the question
08:19Eighty-six, this is an order
08:21Now, I want you to get in touch with Dr. Steuben
08:24In our psychological warfare lab
08:26He may be able to give you a few ideas on how a really disturbed person might act
08:30Well, all right
08:32But honestly, Chief
08:35Can you picture me as a mental patient?
08:39Dr. Steuben?
08:48Yes
08:49Well, you must be eighty-six
08:51Sit down, please
08:52The chief asked me to prepare you for the kind of questions that you might be asked by Dr. Brom
08:57So that you'll be able to maintain your cover
08:59Are you a psychologist, Dr. Steuben?
09:02I'm the president of the Psychologist Society for Mental Health and Adjustment through Fulfillment
09:06What kind of an organization is that?
09:09We're a hate group
09:10A hate group?
09:14Oh, in the sense that we cure hate and fear
09:17We hate hate
09:18Hate it
09:19I'm just smart, I better see your responses to a word association test
09:24I'm going to say a word
09:25And then you respond with the first word that comes into your mind
09:28Are you ready?
09:30Boy
09:30Girl
09:31Black
09:32White
09:33Win
09:34Lose
09:35Very good
09:35Very bad
09:36Stop
09:37Go
09:37No, no
09:38Yes, yes
09:39All right
09:41All wrong
09:44Now, Mr. Smart, I'm going to show you some inkblots on these charts here
09:52I want you to tell me what they remind you of
09:54Are you ready?
09:59A man and a woman hugging
10:01Next
10:03Another man and a woman hugging
10:07Next
10:10A man and a woman kissing
10:15Mr. Smart, you seem to show a definite preoccupation with men and women hugging and kissing
10:21Me?
10:23Huh
10:23You're the one with the weird picture collection
10:26Now for our final test
10:29Sit over here, will you please?
10:32This is a test that measures your tolerance to distraction
10:35As you can see, these wooden pegs fit into the holes on this board
10:39Now first, you're going to insert the pegs in the holes and there'll be no distractions
10:43That's simple enough, isn't it?
10:45That seems fairly simple
10:46Ah, but then you'll do it again
10:48And the second time, you'll hear a symphony playing in one ear
10:51A voice speaking to you in the other
10:53And there'll be a bright light flashing in your eyes
10:55But first, we'll time you without any distractions
10:58Are you ready?
10:58Mm-hmm
10:59Go
11:00Does that thing have to be ticking?
11:11I can't think with that thing ticking
11:13But that's the timer
11:14Is there a window shade flopping in here somewhere?
11:23I can't concentrate with all these distractions
11:26Doc, these things just don't fit in the holes
11:31Can't I force them in?
11:33Of course you can't force them
11:35This is childishly simple
11:37Wait a minute, the squares are mine
11:41You use the round ones
11:43Wait a minute
11:50I think I'll use the round ones
11:52You use the squares
11:53Will you stop that whistling?
12:01I can't concentrate
12:02Ah, you must be Colonel Smart
12:18I told you this was the office
12:19This is my wife
12:21How'd you do?
12:22Hello
12:22I wanted to come alone
12:24But she wouldn't let me
12:25Ah, I had to drive him here
12:26He's terrified behind the wheel
12:28It's not that
12:29It's just that I've been having a little trouble
12:31With my driver's test
12:32Almost passed it the last time
12:33Just made one little mistake
12:35Oh
12:35Slammed the door on the instructor's hand
12:38Uh, would you mind waiting for us out here?
12:42Not at all
12:43Come along, Colonel
12:44We'll go inside
12:45Come on, Colonel
12:50You realize of course, Doctor
12:56That this is quite embarrassing for me
12:58I mean having to call him a psychiatrist
13:00Nonsense, Colonel
13:01Men like yourself
13:02Responsible men in our government
13:04Make up the bulk of my practice
13:06You don't say
13:07Do you realize that a high-ranking American official
13:10Breaks down every day?
13:14My goodness
13:14How does he stand it?
13:17I usually find it more helpful, my patients
13:20If we use the couch
13:22Do you mind?
13:24Why, certainly not, Doctor
13:26Make yourself comfortable
13:27No
13:28No, not the way for you, Colonel
13:29Oh
13:30Yes, of course
13:32Now, Colonel
13:40This is probably the first time
13:41You ever had a psychiatric examination
13:43Right?
13:45Wrong
13:45Wrong
13:46Right
13:47Right
13:47Left
13:48Please
13:49Thank you
13:49Yeah
13:50Me
13:51Now, Colonel, tell me
13:54What is really disturbing you?
13:57Well, Doctor, you see
13:57I keep getting these fantastic dreams
14:00Oh?
14:01Tell me about them
14:02Well, it's always the same dream
14:04You see, I dream that I'm the secretary of the army
14:06And I'm sitting in the president's office
14:07And word comes
14:09That all of my men have been captured
14:11And in a flash
14:12I realize
14:13That I'm out of a job
14:14Well, people often dream of having great power
14:18I myself frequently dream
14:20That I'm ruler of a Latin American country
14:22Do you need a secretary of the army?
14:25Very many men
14:26Who bear a grave responsibility
14:28For their nation's safety
14:29Find the burden too great at times
14:32Now, many of my patients
14:35Find a certain relief
14:37By sharing these burdens with their psychiatrist
14:40You really think that will help, Doctor?
14:43I know it would
14:43Now, would you like to tell me about your work?
14:48All right, Doctor
14:49You know, I'm with Missile Research
14:51And we just sent a rocket up yesterday
14:54Is that so?
14:56Yes
14:56Do you know, Doctor, that that rocket
14:59Reached a maximum speed of 185,000 miles per hour?
15:03Fantastic!
15:05At what stage did it reach that speed?
15:07Just before it crashed
15:09Where was that?
15:12Downtown Albuquerque
15:13How very unfortunate
15:17Yes
15:17And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it, Doctor
15:20You know how the press is
15:21Get a hold of something like this
15:23Right away they'll try to make something out of it
15:24I have a feeling the public will find out sooner or later, though
15:28Why is that?
15:29It was televised
15:30Let me see
15:32Is there anything else?
15:33Let me see
15:35Yes, Doctor
15:35You see, I'm working on a top secret space vehicle of my own
15:39What is this space vehicle?
15:43Gossamer wings
15:43Gossamer wings
15:45A trip to the moon on gossamer wings
15:49And what happened?
15:52It was just one of those things
15:55Colonel Smart
15:57Excuse me
16:01I must see what's going on out there
16:03I'll bet that's my wife
16:05She has a cleaning fetish
16:07Mrs. Smart
16:19Your files are filthy
16:24I apologize for the condition of my files, Mrs. Smart
16:27But I lost my secretary
16:29Only yesterday
16:30That was very careless of you
16:32Now, would you mind sitting down?
16:37And your chair is dusty
16:41Please, relax, Mrs. Smart
16:43I must get back to my patient
16:46I had to order the third fleet to the Mediterranean
16:49Is my wife all right?
16:53Yes, Colonel Smart
16:55If that's really your name, your wife's all right
16:58But I'm afraid you're not
17:00Markovich
17:02Yes, sir
17:03There's a young woman in the front office
17:05Bring her in here
17:06Right
17:07What is the meaning of this?
17:10I saw you, uh, searching my office
17:13Colonel
17:14That's part of my neurosis
17:17Yeah?
17:18Well, it's a neurosis that you'll never live to cure
17:20There's no one out here
17:22Well, the building's locked
17:24She can't get away
17:26We'll take care of the Colonel first
17:28Then we'll get the girl
17:30Dr. Brom
17:32You're a sick man
17:33They're both in the phone booth
17:51How convenient
17:54Good work, 99, you're a life saver
18:01They'll never think of looking in here
18:02After they've gone by, we can sneak back and get out a window
18:05Right
18:06There's no place safer in the world to hide than a phone booth
18:09Matt, water
18:14Let's go
18:1699, we're locked in
18:22But how?
18:23I don't know
18:23The doors must seal automatically when the water is released
18:26Oh
18:26This is some kind of shadowproof glass
18:3099
18:31This is no ordinary phone booth
18:34I do
18:36I don't know
18:37If I had a gun, we could blast our way out
18:39I've got a gun
18:40Oh, good
18:40Give it a minute
18:41Oh, no
18:41I left it in my purse and Dr. Brom's waiting room
18:43Max, your telephone's here
18:45We can call the chief
18:45Right
18:46Short circuit, 99
18:52Oh, no
18:53If we could only call the chief
18:55Wait
18:57We're in a phone booth
18:58Of course we're
18:59Right
19:0099, do you have any change?
19:06All I have is a quarter
19:07Oh, Max, use the quarter
19:08Use a quarter for a 10-cent phone call?
19:11If you throw your money around like that
19:13You'll have nothing left for a rainy day
19:14All right
19:16Operator
19:22Hello, Operator
19:23Now listen to me
19:25And listen carefully
19:26I want you to get me
19:28A special Washington phone number
19:30This is a top-secret number
19:32Only a few people know it
19:34I want you to forget it
19:35The minute that I tell it to you
19:37The number is 628-3097
19:41Oh, you want control
19:43Hello?
19:48Hello?
19:48Hello, chief
19:49Uh, this is Max
19:51Uh, listen, chief
19:52You want to hear something funny?
19:54I'm drowning in a phone booth
19:56Drowning in a phone booth?
19:59Yes, chief
19:59You see what I told you about Mrs. Sloan
20:01That was right
20:02She didn't
20:02She didn't drown in the river
20:03Max, please tell him where we are
20:05Right, 99
20:06Uh, chief
20:07I think we're going to need
20:08Uh, I think we're going to need
20:09Help in a hurry
20:10Where are you, Max?
20:11Eh
20:11I'm sorry
20:12Your time is up
20:13Insert 10 cents more, please
20:15But, Operator
20:16I don't have any more change
20:17And this is a matter of life and death
20:19That's what they all say, sir
20:21Max, the water
20:24It's rising
20:25What are we going to do?
20:26Eh, eh
20:27Take big swallows
20:28Listen, 99
20:30I think we can buy some time
20:32If one of us helps the other one
20:33Up on their shoulder
20:34Good, good thinking, 86
20:35Right, here, give me a, give me a booster
20:36No, Max
20:37Wouldn't it be better if I got on your shoulders?
20:38Oh, I get right
20:39Okay
20:40What's wrong, Max?
20:4599
20:46I think you better give me a 1, 2, 3
20:48Up
20:481, 2, 3
20:52Up
20:52No, it's wrong
20:55Well, your 1, 2, 3 was nice
20:58But your up was a little sloppy
21:00Oh, Max, hurry
21:01Right
21:02And be careful with the ring now
21:03Oh, Max
21:04What?
21:06My ring
21:06It's a diamond
21:08So what?
21:10It cuts glass
21:11Is that filing cabinet nearly empty, Markovich?
21:14Just about, Doctor
21:15What are we going to do?
21:17I'm going to get these papers back to chaos
21:19And I'm getting out of the country
21:20What about me?
21:23You'll stay here
21:24Get rid of the bodies
21:25And join me at the airport tonight
21:26Anybody got a towel?
21:30Smart
21:30That's right
21:31Now just take it easy
21:33Get up
21:34And raise your hands
21:36Come on, you too
21:38Up
21:38Well, Dr. Brom
21:41It looks like your little game is over
21:43And so it must always end
21:45For those who use the human brain for evil
21:49Instead of friendliness
21:51How did you get out of that booth?
21:54As a psychiatrist, Dr. Brom
21:56You should have realized the type of man you were dealing with
21:59Resourceful
22:00Cunning
22:00A man who thinks fast
22:02And does a very nice job under pressure
22:04I want to know how you got out of that booth
22:0799 used her diamond ring to cut our way through the glass of the booth
22:11Very clever, smart
22:14Thank you
22:16You see, Dr. Brom
22:17You never really had a chance
22:19Behind you stands the chaos high command
22:22But behind me is the chief
22:25A silent, dedicated man
22:27Who would willingly send men to their death to overcome you
22:30There's just one question I'd like to ask, Dr. Brom
22:34Yeah?
22:35As a psychiatrist
22:36Do you think you can help him?
22:47Come in, Max
22:48That was good work you did last night
22:52Ah, thank you, chief
22:53Tell me, did you find any firm evidence of espionage that will stand up in court?
22:57I certainly did
22:59Wait till you hear this, chief
23:01But behind me is the chief
23:04A silent, dedicated man
23:06Who would willingly send men to their death to overcome you
23:09There's a lot of good stuff in there, chief
23:13So I see
23:14Well, that business about sending men to their death
23:17I... I didn't mean that, chief
23:19But you're right
23:27I did nearly send you in 99 to your deaths
23:30But that is my job
23:35And it's a filthy job
23:38I wonder how it all started
23:41Why don't you tell me about it, chief?
23:45I guess it all started when I was a child
23:49I was different somehow from other children
23:52Sort of an...
23:53Sort of an outcast
23:55And I started having this recurring dream
23:59That I was a...
24:00Secretary of the army
24:02And I was...
24:03In the president's office
24:04Word came to me
24:06That all my men had been captured
24:08In one blinding flash
24:11It came to me that
24:12You were out of a job
24:14I don't know
24:15I lost my job the same way, chief
24:18Ha ha
24:19Ha ha
24:20Ha ha
24:20Ha ha
24:42Ha ha
24:45¶¶
25:15¶¶
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