- 6 months ago
- #comedy
- #standupcomedy
- #standup
The singer performs a one-man spoken word show.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Rollins!
00:22Hello, hello, hello.
00:25Good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:26All right, thanks.
00:35So, before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand
00:44this is being taped.
00:45Why Portland?
00:47And this is where you might not believe me.
00:49Please strip yourself of your cynicism, which is easy to acquire in 2018.
00:54I understand.
00:55But if you can sidestep it for just a second.
00:58Months and months ago, they said, how about a Showtime special?
01:01I went, well, yeah, don't throw up.
01:03It's nerve-wracking.
01:04And they said, well, you have to pick a location.
01:06So you have to pick a location where the audience is kind of sort of already with you, because
01:10I don't have the time to win you over.
01:13This is not an anecdotal or comedic arm wrestling match where I make you submit.
01:18Like, all right, all right, I like it.
01:20You just have to kind of dig me already.
01:24And so, location is key.
01:31And so they said, so where do you want to do this?
01:34And this is where you might not believe me, but it's true.
01:37I have been doing shows in Portland for literally almost 40 years.
01:42And if I had a bad time, I personally can't remember it.
01:48And that's where you're like, oh, really?
01:51Well, because in a lot of time in the 1880s, 1980s, when I was touring, when you're all
01:57young rams at the base of the mountain, there's a lot of fisticuffs and spit and flying empty
02:02containers of beer and whatever else.
02:05But I don't remember any of that hostility coming at me from Portland.
02:09So I said, well, see if you can get me a stage in Portland.
02:14And they did.
02:15And so here we are together.
02:16And so here's an early memory of Portland from before you were born.
02:23I would come up here to do shows with Black Flag.
02:25And Black Flag made a live album here 33 years ago.
02:34Yeah, it was me and Tutankhamun and Abe Lincoln and Tom Waits were all talking backstage.
02:41A fantastic night.
02:42Anyway, we actually documented our affection for this city on a live album, which happens
02:49to be my personal favorite record of Black Flag because it was the realest one because
02:53it was live.
02:54Anyway, here's the one thing that I found out about Portland.
02:59This is an old version of Portland.
03:00It's not or maybe it's how Portland is now.
03:03But this is a true fact.
03:05Black Flag, I knew a lot of really scary people in Los Angeles.
03:09The people around Black Flag, some of them were killers.
03:12Some of them were drug dealers.
03:13Some of them were just some really dark, you know, tough people from a scary part of LA.
03:20They dirty deeds, done dirt cheap types.
03:23And they just kind of gravitated to us.
03:24They scared the hell out of me because I'm not a tough guy.
03:27And some of these people, they just I said, so what do you do?
03:29And they're like, well, you know, someone needs to be straightened out.
03:32And I, wow, and these people would have warrants out for them.
03:37And you would, they would disappear from LA.
03:39Like, what happened to that one, that one, and that one?
03:42Who knows?
03:42They might be dead or in prison.
03:44And that's how those days were.
03:45You found out that they were in Portland.
03:50Yeah, because we'd be up here doing a show and we'd be here all afternoon in like some
03:55parking lot with our miserable ailing about to fall over van.
03:58And those guys you hadn't seen for two years ago, like, hey, man, like, what are you doing here?
04:05Like, you know, there's too much heat in LA.
04:07So I said, so why, why Portland?
04:10Like, because you can just kind of get lost here.
04:13And so Portland was this place I knew where scary LA punk rock types came to disappear.
04:20And maybe some of you are out there right now.
04:24I'm, I'm still scared of you.
04:27And so I wanted to tell you a few stories about shows I've done because I live to tour.
04:33I live to be on stage.
04:34And I've never really physically counted every single show I've ever done.
04:38They're all written down because I like to keep track of that kind of thing.
04:41It's well over 3,000 shows I've done.
04:44And that's not all that difficult to accumulate shows.
04:47You just keep doing them and it sure adds up.
04:51And you remember that quote.
04:52And so Charlie Sheen prostitutes.
04:55Anyway, I have seen all kinds of things.
04:591987, Michigan, it must have been hunting season or close by.
05:04Me and my bandmates are grinding away in front of at least 175 people.
05:09And they're, there's like, we don't like it that much.
05:12They're not that into it.
05:13So we're just kind of beating this dead horse.
05:17And this thing flies through the air and lands next to me on stage.
05:21It's a dead deer's head.
05:25Probably hunted and killed locally.
05:28And so the audience is like, so what are you going to do about a dead deer's head?
05:31I will not be bested by an audience.
05:34I have, I will not be grossed out by anything anyone can come into a venue and do.
05:40No way.
05:41And that's us years of being underpaid.
05:42It just gives you this, it gives you this callous.
05:45Like anything, do it.
05:48And so I pick up the deer's head and everyone kind of goes like, okay, that's kind of gross.
05:53So I'm thinking, what can I do with this deer's head to severely bum out this audience?
05:57Because now they've got it coming.
05:59They started it.
06:00Like who coming?
06:01What are you going to do today?
06:02I'm going to get this deer's head and go see Henry and throw it at him.
06:05I'm coming along.
06:08And so, and that was probably the draw.
06:10It was probably five people paid and a bunch of people snuck in behind the guy with the deer's head.
06:15So I pick up the deer's head and I have him rock with the music for a second.
06:19And I find one of Simcane's broken drumsticks with which I gouge the deer's eyeball out.
06:25And everyone's like, oh, and it's really hard.
06:28The eyes are really attached.
06:31And so there's good stuff in there.
06:34And so I rip this eye out and I go, well, and it tasted awful.
06:42It tasted awful.
06:43And my mission was not to swallow it.
06:46I wanted to give it back.
06:47So like, chooch, and it exploded in my mouth, releasing this really bitter juice.
06:52And see, we're like three minutes into the show and you're not going anywhere.
06:58And like, what I'm looking at looks like economy class in planes of the future.
07:02You're like, you're in 22.
07:05Why?
07:06You're not going anywhere.
07:07I've got you.
07:08Anyway, I'm chewing on the eyeball and it starts to kind of become a jelly-ish thing.
07:13Perfect for spitting.
07:16And so I go, boom.
07:17And this like bloody awful thing goes out.
07:20And everyone in the first three rows got something like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:25And I went, anyone else?
07:27And they're like, no.
07:28They all completely submitted.
07:31They're like, you win.
07:32You dear eyeball eating bastard.
07:36Just like, yeah.
07:40So like I've said, I've seen quite a bit.
07:45And I've been able to tame audiences.
07:481984, the Halloween night, Miami at a place called Flynn's, the size of your living room.
07:53The audience, we would play there all the time.
07:55They're angry.
07:56We're angry.
07:57Everyone's broke.
07:58So I took a plastic cup.
08:00I said, fill this full of money, no pennies.
08:03And I'll do something really gross.
08:05The cup is taken away from me.
08:07It fills up with money, at least $4.75, as I remember.
08:12It bought me an omelet at Denny's later.
08:14And so I took my shoes off and I took my socks.
08:18So I was wearing my tube socks.
08:19And I wrung out the sweat.
08:22And it filled up the entire like eight ounce glass.
08:25And I'll never forget.
08:26I said, salute.
08:27And there's people going, no, no, don't do it.
08:29Don't do it.
08:30Don't do it.
08:30Keep the money.
08:31Don't do it.
08:32Don't do it.
08:33And I drank it.
08:35And it tasted like socks, ass, but mine.
08:41So it's okay.
08:43So that's what I taste like.
08:46And I'm like, ah, I don't want to.
08:47You win.
08:48That's, you've beaten the entire audience.
08:51We submit.
08:52Play another one of your 12-minute songs.
08:55And so I've seen quite a bit.
08:57The dumbest show I ever booked.
08:58And it's nothing but my fault.
09:00On the 2016 tour, I had this idea.
09:02I will play my hometown of Washington, D.C.
09:05at the beautiful Lincoln Theater on the night of the presidential election.
09:08It will be memorable.
09:10And so I go out in front of all these people.
09:14And I start talking.
09:15And I'm many months into the tour.
09:17I'm just talking away.
09:19And I notice the audience is doing something I have never seen an audience do before.
09:23They're looking at me with this look of concern on their face.
09:26It's like, what, am I okay?
09:30And then they would look at me for a minute like, did I lock my door in my house?
09:34Is my dog okay?
09:36And they look down at their crotch.
09:37As you do.
09:39And they look back up at me, kind of like, what did you say?
09:42And I'm up there telling these stories at a high rate of speed.
09:45Thinking, I'm bombing.
09:46I mean, these stories are good.
09:48I like these stories.
09:49Why don't you like these stories?
09:50And what is it about your crotch?
09:52And as the show goes on, it just turns into this dying animal on the side of a road.
09:58Like someone hits a deer.
10:00And you see it three cars later.
10:02It's like kicking.
10:03You're like, oh, just shoot it.
10:04Kill it.
10:05Make it stop.
10:06This is agony.
10:07I have this massive lump in my throat.
10:09And I go staggering downstairs to this dressing room.
10:12I'm like, what did I do?
10:13How did I bomb?
10:15And I don't think I'm able to bomb.
10:17Anyone can bomb.
10:18But I seem to bomb with every single thing I said.
10:22And I'm back there talking to this woman.
10:24I know.
10:25I said, what did I just do?
10:27She said, nothing.
10:29Look at the news.
10:30And as I was on stage, Donald Trump was becoming the president-elect.
10:35And these people probably paid way too much for those tickets.
10:38And they were doing their level best.
10:40This is kind of funny.
10:41I'm enjoying this.
10:46Babysitter.
10:47Parking.
10:47I'm having a good time.
10:49It was the dumbest idea I've ever had for being on stage.
10:57It was a perfect bummer.
11:00And so after the show, I'm just, you know, a little shook up about this whole thing.
11:04And I get on the Bon Jovi mobile, the Def Leppard Express, my tour bus.
11:08It's a rental.
11:09And I'm sitting there unable to sleep just because my America has changed.
11:15And it's going to be, well, it's going to be interesting.
11:19And so I sat up until about 5.30 in the morning, East Coast time, watching the different news
11:24carriers roll out the information.
11:27It's the same information.
11:29But different news carriers have different postures.
11:33So I watched Fox News, which was the funnest because they're super happy.
11:37There's champagne corks flying across the set.
11:43Most of the people are topless.
11:46Lines of cocaine are being snorted off the chests of 13-year-old strippers.
11:51I mean, it's a celebratory environment.
11:54Like, hooray, we won.
11:56It's fun to win.
11:57I get it.
11:58And so I switched to MSNBC to see all those brave young pundits.
12:02And they're just trying to not be emo.
12:05Like, well, none of us thought this was going to happen.
12:10But so we have a new president.
12:15And then I went to CNN, which is just dependably,
12:21I'm Wolf Blitzer.
12:27I'm levitating.
12:28And I realized that this guy is going to turn American democracy at its very most benevolent,
12:36just inefficient, at its worst, predatory, and divisive.
12:41And so we are now on our own.
12:43I don't think there's ever been a more interesting or better time to live in this country.
12:48Why?
12:48Because everything matters now.
12:49Your words matter now.
12:51Your attitude matters now.
12:52How hard you stand up for LGBT folks and brown folks and women folks and reproductive health
12:58rights, et cetera, et cetera.
13:00It all matters now.
13:02It all matters.
13:04Where before, it was just kind of this splashy ocean of doing good.
13:10But now you stand in sharp contrast to your strange uncle who comes with the xenophobic
13:17rants every Thanksgiving or so, thanks to vodka.
13:20And you will never talk him down from his ledge, but you can outlive him.
13:26And I'm not saying, like, let's push these people into an early grave.
13:30I'm just saying that very, very soon in your lifetime, like really soon, there will be
13:35no one left alive to watch Fox News.
13:38They, I am in no way saying, hurry up and die.
13:47I'm just saying everyone dies eventually, except for Mick and Keith.
13:52Everyone else is going to go.
13:56There's a topic.
13:57I'm not, it's not like I can tell you anything about it that you don't know.
14:02But when these brave women are standing up and saying, he molested me, he harassed me.
14:10And when anybody has the temerity to say, what took you so long?
14:15If you ever hear anybody, usually a male, or what took you 25 years to finally say it?
14:20Now that the guy's rich and famous, you're just after his money.
14:23No, you idiot.
14:24It's a long time to suck up your humiliation and your fear and finally stand up and say,
14:30he did that to me.
14:31Why didn't you say anything before?
14:33I don't want to lose my job.
14:34I don't want to lose my family.
14:35I don't want to lose my social standing.
14:37I don't want to be judged by people like you telling me I'm something.
14:41And so when these women stand up, they should all be given Nobel Peace Prizes for the sheer guts.
14:47And so I have tried on multiple live me plus audience experiences to articulate this idea.
15:01And it has bombed every single time.
15:04And I know it's good.
15:06I just don't know how to roll it out.
15:08So stunted as it is, I'm going to try one more time.
15:12Since the beginning of humankind, recorded history at least, we have done everything one way.
15:18Where men run everything, everything.
15:22And so the world we live in is a man's world.
15:26I'm not saying good or bad.
15:28I'm just saying that is what we've been doing since your parents, parents, parents, parents, parents.
15:33It has been one way and one way only.
15:35Like there's sunspots on the sun.
15:37There's been little things here and there.
15:40Roe v. Wade, pay disparity being addressed.
15:44Women standing up and saying, me too, or enough is enough.
15:47So little sunspots, but not the substantive change that I want.
15:51Because I have no attention span.
15:52I'm incredibly impatient.
15:54And I want everything right now.
15:57So what I want, at least in America, since we lead the world apparently,
16:02I want a new ratio of power.
16:06And I want it Monday.
16:07Easy to wish for.
16:11I want 75-25 women running things.
16:16Now, and I'm not trying to get in your good graces, ladies,
16:19because Jefferson instructs me that anyone with power will be corrupted by it.
16:25And if you think a person with a vagina can't turn into an authoritarian psychopath,
16:32give them a few generations of power and they will do it.
16:36However, won't it be a great experiment to see with women running things,
16:41would there be less war?
16:43There's only one way to find out.
16:45What would health care be like if women ran it?
16:48People who give birth.
16:50What would that be like for women's reproductive health rights?
16:53Kids with physical challenges.
16:55What would education be like if women are running the show going,
16:59I'm not training these kids to become soldiers because I don't want my kid going to a foreign
17:05war and dying.
17:07So, how do you establish 75-25 power share in America by Monday?
17:15Not peacefully.
17:17And this is the part of the discussion which I can never,
17:22I can't get it to work because a lot of men are going to have to die.
17:27And certainly, I don't want to.
17:33So, if any of you women go on a killing spree, remember, it was kind of my idea.
17:41And I'm one of the cool ones.
17:44And so, what do you do?
17:47And I'm just thinking out loud here.
17:50You know, just an idea.
17:51But like NASCAR.
17:52Like, there will be a NASCAR event and all of these men will be looking like,
17:57where did the women go?
17:59Where did the women go?
18:00I had my hand up one and she left.
18:04It was my daughter or your daughter.
18:06I forget.
18:07Where did they go?
18:09What's that overhead?
18:13It's an airstrike and I'm burning.
18:15And so, and this is, this is why I think these thoughts.
18:22What is the most detrimental thing to progress in our fine United States?
18:27It's not weak borders.
18:29It's not gays wanting to have equal rights.
18:33It's not those brown people.
18:36It's not Al-Qaeda.
18:38It's not Islam.
18:39It's white men.
18:41It's white men.
18:42And of course, but what about the cool ones?
18:51Yeah, I'd like to think I'm one.
18:55We'll see, right?
18:57I'm sorry, Henry.
18:58I'm a machete.
19:00And if one of you women kills me with a machete, I promise you, my dying words will be cool.
19:07Because, not boring, not boring.
19:13And so, obviously, you can't slaughter millions of Caucasian men.
19:19And so, we're going to have to do some evolution.
19:23And so, how do you do that?
19:24You just keep pushing people off balance.
19:27Keep standing up.
19:28And those who have the bravery to stand up, you stand up next to them and say, you're not alone.
19:34I got you.
19:35Like all those amazing young people who marched the other day to save their own lives.
19:41Thankfully, a lot of people who weren't young got in line and got on those streets with him saying, I got you.
19:47You are the future.
19:49I am your fan.
19:50You'll never know who I am.
19:52But I've got your back in ways you don't even know.
19:54I've been waiting for you.
19:56I can't wait.
19:57So, stay brave and always know that I am right behind you.
20:02And as a man hurtling towards 60, I reckon my job is to clear the lane so these people can get through.
20:10What you're going to see in this century, in your lifetime, in the next several years is a generational shift.
20:16And that's why these people are so angry because they know without a doubt in their mind that the earth is shifting underneath their feet.
20:23And when you see a completely awful thing, like what happened at that school in Florida recently, then you see what happens afterwards.
20:30And you see these amazing young people, and it is a part and parcel of the age we live in, where you have this completely awful thing happen.
20:41Yet you have these cool, articulate, well-meaning young people who are not only quite sure of where they're going, but did you notice this?
20:52They're camera ready.
20:53And that's one of the upsides of everyone being in front, like selfie.
20:58Okay, you go skate down those stairs, hit the rail, and then bounce off that car.
21:04They're all ready for their close-up.
21:06And when you see these kids going down the barrel of national news cameras, wiping away the tears as they speak, making more sense than their candy-ass representatives will ever make.
21:17Then you realize, you realize every good thing that you did and will do matters.
21:25Because if anything, you have to be there for them.
21:29I am 57.
21:31It all hurts now.
21:33I am high on aspirin just to stand up straight.
21:38And so if these kids who say, come march with us, I'm like, no, no, I'm just going to, I'm going to sit, actually.
21:48And I'm going to clap twice, lie down, get up to some graham crackers in a juice box.
21:55Because I don't, I'm with you, but I can't do the miles.
21:59So hopefully I've been looking out so you could happen.
22:03And so now you'll be looking out so I can happen until I die.
22:11Just a quick story about perception.
22:15Because these days, with the internet and things being what they are,
22:19all of a sudden someone has an opinion of you without ever meeting you or talking to you.
22:25And quite often the facts are not exactly correct.
22:27And sometimes it's awful.
22:29And sometimes it's really funny.
22:31And so a funny thing happened to me several months ago.
22:34Well, it started many years ago.
22:36Many years ago in the 1990s, I was living in New York City.
22:39And my bandmates lived there.
22:41So I defaulted and became an East Village resident, which was nothing but fun.
22:44It was fantastic.
22:45And so one day, in 1994 or 5, maybe,
22:50I was walking to band practice for a noon band practice.
22:54I got there at like at 11.45 because I put the punk in punctual.
22:58I'm always on time.
23:00I've never said that line before.
23:01Anyway, I'm milling around in the front lounge of the practice place,
23:05waiting on my band members to drag themselves out of their small East Village apartments.
23:10And I'm alone in the front lounge, except for a very handsome man,
23:15light-skinned African-American man, no hair, wearing a suit,
23:19open-toed sandals, if I remember.
23:21He looks like a male model.
23:23And I'm impressed because I don't wear fancy clothes.
23:26I'm like, wow.
23:26He wears them and he wears them well.
23:29And the man nods at me and I nod back as men are wont to do.
23:33And then he gets up and he just keeps, I'm like, wow, you are really tall.
23:38But everyone's tall to me because I'm short.
23:40I'm like, wow, that's, you're impressive.
23:42And he walks over and he looks down and I look up.
23:44And he said, you're Henry Rollins.
23:46I said, yes, sir, I am.
23:47He said, I'm a fan of yours.
23:49I said, oh, well, thank you.
23:51Like, you know, shake the tall guy's hand so he doesn't like, you know, beat you to death.
23:55So I said, oh, thank you, sir.
23:57He said, my name is RuPaul.
23:59And I didn't recognize him without his fighting gear on, like the whole outfit.
24:06But if you look at the cheekbones and the eyes that you're like, you are RuPaul.
24:11Damn, I'm such a fan of yours.
24:13And that's one of the difficulties I have.
24:15I'm a fan of a lot of people and I don't have a very good filter.
24:19Like my tail doesn't wag a little.
24:21It nearly wags off my body.
24:24And when I see bands I know and they will give me a moment of their time, I'm unnerving
24:31to be around.
24:33Like, did you hear that bootleg seven inch that came out of your last tour?
24:35It's got two songs.
24:36One's recorded really badly, but the other one's recorded really well.
24:38I have a different version of that from a different tape source if you ever want to
24:41hear a different version of it.
24:42And it came out in canary yellow vinyl.
24:44There's a red vinyl version.
24:45And on eBay, I battled a guy for a clear and red version.
24:48It cost me $348 for what the hell I have.
24:50And he doesn't because there's nothing I like more than beating another adult man who
24:53lives with his parents on something on eBay.
24:55I feel defeated and crushed when I lose, but I feel like a damn Viking when I win.
25:00And the guy in the band is like, okay.
25:05And he'll say something nice like, my dad liked your music as he's trying to leave.
25:11And whenever I see Jay Mascus of Dinosaur Jr., a band I love, there's no bad records.
25:15There's no bad songs.
25:16Sometimes I really try some restraint whenever I'm around Jay.
25:21I'm like, this time I'm going to be cool.
25:23I'm going to say, hey, Jay, good to see you.
25:25And Jay will say, yeah.
25:27And whenever I see him, I'm like, Jay, oh damn, man.
25:31The last time is so good.
25:33It is so good.
25:34It's better than ever.
25:34You are better than ever.
25:36How are you doing?
25:38All right.
25:38And he must like see me and like, where can I go?
25:42He wants to run because I'm a maniac.
25:44So I'm standing with RuPaul and I'm looking up at this man.
25:48And I said, damn, man, I like the cut of your gym.
25:51I like when you're in your fighting gear.
25:53I think you're amazing.
25:54I think you think outside the box.
25:56You're amazing.
25:57Do you remember?
25:581985, Atlanta, Georgia, the fancy neighborhood threat named after the pop song.
26:02It was like a newspaper folded picture of you above the fold, of course.
26:06And you're holding like a torch.
26:08You've got some paint on your face and like a grass skirt.
26:11And it says, RuPaul, sex freak.
26:14And underneath the folds is a photo of me looking like I'm wired on Thor's.
26:18He like, it says, Henry Rollins, hex creep.
26:21He said, I remember that.
26:23I said, do you have a copy of it?
26:24He said, I don't think so.
26:26I said, I have three.
26:29In an acid-free mylar archival environment.
26:34And he said, wow, you're really intense.
26:37I said, you have no idea, man.
26:40And so I just liked him immediately.
26:43You know, you have those experiences.
26:45You meet someone and you just like them.
26:47I just liked RuPaul.
26:49Because I think when the history book gets written on this century, RuPaul is going to
26:54be much more than a tall, handsome guy in a dress.
26:57RuPaul keeps people alive.
26:59Because there's LGBT people all over the world.
27:01And they get told, you're awful, you're not my brother, you're not my son, you're not
27:05my daughter, you're awful, get out of here.
27:07And sometimes they kill themselves, sometimes they hurt themselves, or they spend their whole
27:10life not feeling right.
27:11And then they see RuPaul, like, in his fighting gear, like, just up there going, yeah, I'm in
27:16a dress, in a wig, and I look good, and I'm getting paid.
27:20And I'm here.
27:21And, I mean, this is Portland, and you're all groovy and smart and literate.
27:30But imagine being gay in one of the Dakotas.
27:33Imagine being gay in Oklahoma.
27:34That might be a really heavy lift.
27:36That might be damn impossible.
27:39And RuPaul gives strength to people like that.
27:41I know he does.
27:42And so he's not only an entertainer type and an entrepreneur, but to me, he's a fantastic
27:47civil rights activist, and he's brave, and he thinks outside the box.
27:51I mean, he just came up with this idea, you know, he didn't invent drag, of course, but
27:55he took it to levels, like, you'll never get him out of the American conversation.
28:01He is in there like death and taxes.
28:04He is in there, and he's given a lot of people room to move.
28:08So I will always be a fan and defend him down to my last breath.
28:12And I kind of said all that to him in my inarticulate way many years ago, and he kind of went,
28:16wow, you're talking a lot, a lot of spit flying.
28:20And so RuPaul does something that I can't do because I'm uptight and weird.
28:24He will write me out of the blue, hey, Henry, it's RuPaul, thinking of you, hope you're having
28:29a good day.
28:31I don't know what to do about that because I'm not a mean person.
28:36I'm just really screwed up.
28:39I don't do that with people because I'm afraid they'll write back and then you write back
28:44and they write back and it's just, I don't want to, I don't just, no.
28:49And so I don't know how to answer this completely benevolent well-wish.
28:55And I look at the email and paste in my office staring at him.
28:59How do I reply?
29:01Dear RuPaul, I was just about to write you.
29:03That's a lie.
29:05That's a lie.
29:06Not that I don't want to write the guy.
29:07I just don't have anything to say.
29:09And to me saying, I was just thinking about you, I would expect you to write back, when?
29:15Was it 10, 27 hours, 14, 23 hours?
29:19What were you doing?
29:20What were you wearing?
29:20What were you eating?
29:21Like, prove it.
29:22And I don't want to have to like, uh.
29:25And so I will just stare at it and I'll write back in this kind of uptight clinical way.
29:30Dear RuPaul, thank you so much for your letter and your inquiry as to my life and health.
29:39Uh, by, just by the nature of the fact that I'm responding to you means that I am in a semi-operational state.
29:47I appreciate your interest and help and wisdom over the years.
29:54Yours forever.
29:55I mean, I don't know what to do.
29:57I'm just like dialing it in from some Hallmark greeting card.
30:00And so every once in a while he'll write me, hey, be a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race.
30:04Which was interesting, being the only serious judge on the show.
30:09In that everyone's having a really good time but me.
30:11I have a notepad out.
30:15The pirouette was very circular.
30:18Never wrote the word pirouette before.
30:21I give the pirouette a 7.5.
30:24Why?
30:25I've never given a numerical assessment of a pirouette.
30:28I've never used pirouette in a sentence.
30:31Why am I here?
30:32But I'm taking it very seriously.
30:34And at lunchtime I said, RuPaul, I don't know.
30:38We're going to have to kick one of the drag queens off RuPaul's Drag Race.
30:41And I said, I don't know.
30:43And I have like five pages of steno notes.
30:46And he said, you take everything really seriously, don't you?
30:50I'm like, what do you mean?
30:56Meanwhile, completely firm in the knowledge that I'm a heterosexual male.
31:02Which means nothing when you're 57.
31:03It means nothing.
31:05Like, I'm heterosexual.
31:06People are like, oh, you're so cute.
31:08Oh, that's darling.
31:10He's heterosexual.
31:11Oh, well, you go have fun with that.
31:15And so I'm sitting with all these people who are having a really good time.
31:18Not me.
31:19I'm studying because we have to kick one drag queen off RuPaul's Drag Race by the end of the show.
31:23And damn it, I want to make the right decision.
31:26Meanwhile, these men see that I'm the only one giving them my undivided attention.
31:31So they in kind give me their undivided attention.
31:35And so now all the drag queens are like, looking at you.
31:38And I'm like, me?
31:39And they're like, yes.
31:41And I can feel the four drops of blood that remain in my lizard-like body starting to move to the center of my body.
31:49And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:54And it's not like, ew, it's a man.
31:57It's like, no, it's a false flag operation.
32:02It's a fool's errand.
32:03I mean, there will be no ecstatic result.
32:07And so I'm like, mayday, mayday, please call off the blood flow.
32:11And then like three minutes later, like, because obviously I'm not as evolved as I thought I was.
32:22I'm just a tadpole.
32:22And what turns me on?
32:25Apparently any human looking at me smiling in a short skirt, like, I'm in.
32:31Hooray.
32:32Which might make the rest of my life pretty easy.
32:37Just close my eyes, open my mouth, stick my tongue out and walk into the party.
32:42And the first thing you go home, you go home.
32:47That's the weekend.
32:48Anyway, after I do RuPaul's Drag Race and after many well-wishing letters out of nowhere,
32:54which I can't thank the man enough for.
32:56He makes me a better person.
32:58At one point, he wrote me, he said, hey, I've got this show that I do where I put people in my car.
33:03I put a camera on them and a microphone.
33:06And we drive around L.A. and we do their errands.
33:08And I interview them and I cut it together.
33:11And it's a show.
33:12You want to be on it?
33:13And I'm like, yeah.
33:14He said, when?
33:15I said, tomorrow.
33:15He said, 10?
33:16I said, yeah.
33:17So the next day he picks me up and we get into his like 900-year-old Fiat.
33:22And a GoPro on me, GoPro on him, microphones.
33:25And we're going down the driveway.
33:27I said, okay.
33:28So we're starting the errand run.
33:30We're going to go down to the end of the street.
33:32We're going to make a lift.
33:33But then after that, it's a series of right turns.
33:35He said, you took me seriously about running errands?
33:40I said.
33:42Do you know who you're sitting in a car with?
33:46I said, it is a fantastic errands run.
33:49This all right turns into parking lots.
33:51I made a dry run at 03.30 hours this morning.
33:54It's fantastic.
33:55And so he's like, okay.
34:00And I have this list of things to do.
34:04And so finally we get to the end and we did all of the things on the to-do list.
34:09And he's like, wow, that was really efficient.
34:11I said, fantastic.
34:12We could have picked up a few more minutes, but you know, it's okay.
34:16He goes, well, you know, I'm going to be dead soon.
34:18Time, time, time.
34:19Everything's important to me.
34:20And so we get to the end.
34:22He said, okay, you've been a very good guest.
34:25How about free lunch?
34:27It's like the two best words in the English language put together.
34:30Free.
34:31What's it going to be?
34:32Lunch?
34:32Yes.
34:33It's just food tastes better when it's free.
34:36Even if it's awful, when it's free, no, it's okay.
34:40It's okay.
34:41It's a deer's eye, but it's okay.
34:44And so he said, I know this great place in West LA, Japanese place.
34:50Let's go.
34:50I said, let's go.
34:52And so I don't know if you've ever been to Los Angeles.
34:54Please come and visit.
34:55Bring a gas mask and Kevlar.
34:57You know, we're Second Amendment happy.
35:00And there's a part of LA called West LA, otherwise known as Gay LA.
35:04And that's not putting the part of town down.
35:07Rainbow flags fly proudly on the perfectly manicured lawn that separates eastbound and
35:14westbound traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard.
35:16The shops are beautiful.
35:18The smells coming out of the restaurants are fantastic.
35:21The people on the street are the epitome of Southern Californian healthy living.
35:26Like old men and women, yoga bodies, flexible, good looking when they're half naked.
35:31And everyone's like showing a lot of flesh, fantastic hair, interesting glasses, bright
35:36white teeth.
35:37They're just like, like, how old are you?
35:4088.
35:41Like, wow.
35:43Yeah.
35:44Because, you know, the night is young.
35:48And so we are in the depths of West LA.
35:53And we park in this massive parking garage.
35:56And RuPaul and I emerge onto Santa Monica Boulevard, which is teeming with human traffic.
36:04Both of us are recognized almost immediately.
36:09And people are so happy.
36:11The wave of joy that we unleashed on Santa Monica Boulevard, they're still talking about
36:18it right now.
36:19At first, people look like they'd seen a ghost.
36:22They're like, yes.
36:28I told you.
36:29I told you.
36:31And people are like hugging each other.
36:33Yes, yes, yes.
36:33It's a power couple.
36:34And I'm like sneaking glances over and people are like, I'm like, thanks, but it's not what
36:49you think.
36:50Like, oh, please let it be.
36:51Let it be.
36:52And of course, in this modern age, I said, RuPaul, I think we're an item.
37:01And I forget what he said.
37:03And so we cross the street, we eat in the restaurant, and it was really good.
37:08And we had a great conversation as always.
37:10He's brilliant.
37:11And he drops me off at my place.
37:14A few hours later, in come the email.
37:20When people write me, you started it.
37:25And if you're going to be an idiot, I get to play with you as much as I want.
37:31But you're the mouse, I'm the cat, and this is going to take a while.
37:38Especially when your first email to me is, dude, I'm a young man in the American Midwest,
37:47dude.
37:48Totally freaking out in my small room, pacing back and forth.
37:51Dude, tell me you are not dating RuPaul.
37:56Dude, I've got all your records out.
37:58I'm ready to take them to the record store and trade them in.
38:00I'm not homophobic, but this is just a lot for me to handle, dude.
38:04Like, you've got to hit me back ASAP, because I am totally freaking out.
38:08Do I write him back?
38:09Yes.
38:11Five hours later, just let him just spin over the fire.
38:17What I want is for him to take out all those records and play them one last time,
38:24looking for the gay inferences.
38:28That no doubt wait like Easter eggs.
38:33And now that I'm dating RuPaul, all shall be revealed.
38:40It's like, okay, let's start at the beginning.
38:43Damaged one and damaged two.
38:45All right, he's damaged because he's gay.
38:47And since he's gay, there's an encore part two.
38:51Woo!
38:52Okay, right?
38:54My war, my gay war, right?
38:57Because they don't like me and I don't like them.
38:59And I'm going to give it to them.
39:01Okay, yeah, I got it.
39:02I got it.
39:04Oh.
39:05Ah.
39:06Ah.
39:07Oh, no.
39:08No.
39:09Slip it in.
39:10No.
39:11Oh, no!
39:15I sang that song so many times.
39:17Ha, ha, ha.
39:21And so let him do that.
39:23And then finally I write him back like hours later.
39:27Dear young person in the Midwest,
39:30RuPaul and I,
39:31well,
39:32I wouldn't call it dating.
39:34but I would say that
39:37last weekend
39:38left to Mark.
39:46Because he's now going to go
39:48to whatever social platform
39:50he goes to.
39:52Oh, no!
39:54Please do that.
39:55Do it a lot.
39:57A whole lot.
39:58Have your friends multiply it.
40:00Like all of a sudden
40:01all across the world
40:02Henry Rollins is dating RuPaul.
40:05Oh, no.
40:06And there's going to be
40:06a lot of people like,
40:07so what?
40:08That's cool.
40:09They're adults.
40:10They're both old.
40:11They'll have fun together.
40:13They can sit in parks
40:15and watch pigeons.
40:16They're in their 50s.
40:17They won't get up too much
40:19without medication.
40:20They'll be fine.
40:22And maybe it starts
40:23a conversation.
40:24Like, well,
40:25if he is gay
40:26then why do you have
40:27a problem with that
40:28if you like the music he made
40:30or the things he says on stage
40:31why would his orientation
40:32make a difference?
40:33I,
40:34and maybe
40:35some person
40:36overcomes a hurdle
40:38they didn't know
40:39that was there
40:39to be jumped over.
40:41I don't know.
40:42I just like
40:42creating
40:43trouble
40:44here and there
40:46because you can go
40:47through your life
40:48I'm balancing
40:49I'm perfectly balanced
40:50I'm going to the cubicle
40:51then I'm going home
40:52and I'm going to have
40:53the same dinner
40:54and all of a sudden
40:55Henry's making
40:56with a six foot something
40:57male model black guy
40:59and all of a sudden
41:02we're awake again
41:02and so I sent
41:04this young man off
41:05on a tizzy
41:05and I got a similar letter
41:07you know
41:08the next day
41:09like tell me
41:10it's not true
41:11and so I wanted
41:12to crank it up
41:13and so I wrote back
41:15dear young person
41:17um
41:18fisting
41:19gets a bad rap
41:24I think
41:25as so many people
41:26saw the film
41:27Caligula
41:28where it was
41:29it was
41:31an assault
41:32certainly not the way
41:33I'd like to be woken up
41:35however
41:35with proper
41:37relaxation
41:38and preparation
41:39and a high sign
41:41it can
41:43and so far
41:47these two people
41:48have not written me back
41:50uh
41:52two quick stories
41:53about
41:54ego
41:55one
41:56from many years ago
41:57I was at a festival
41:59and with my bandmates
42:00and I
42:00at big European festivals
42:02no one liked us
42:04that much
42:04well no
42:06it's all
42:06I'm fine
42:07I'm fine
42:07but thank you
42:08I
42:09your empathy
42:10is noted
42:10um
42:11so we were always
42:12like one of the first
42:13bands on
42:13like
42:1410 a.m.
42:15get them on
42:15get them off
42:16by 1045
42:17we're done
42:19no one saw us
42:20there's like two kids
42:22riding out the last
42:23of their ketamine
42:23from the night before
42:25when this muddy field
42:26was a rave
42:27and they kind of
42:28wake up in mud
42:28like
42:29hey
42:30and all you can hear
42:31between songs
42:32like
42:32bad band is almost
42:34off stage
42:34bad band is almost
42:36off stage
42:36and so we
42:37the off stage
42:38showered
42:39and done for the day
42:40by around 11 o'clock
42:42but you can't leave
42:43because all the other bands
42:44have now
42:44come on to the grounds
42:46with like 8 buses
42:475 trucks
42:48they're going to build
42:49a live volcano
42:50for the verve
42:51you know
42:51they're hurling volcanic
42:53soil onto the stage
42:55it's like a 90 ton thing
42:56and they're going to
42:57feed 4 fans
42:58into the mouth
42:59of the volcano
42:59well they signed up
43:01for it
43:01anyway
43:02so I am trapped
43:04and the rest of the day
43:05all I hear is like
43:06hey it's good to be
43:07back in Holland
43:08a field of people
43:12like 30,000 people
43:13yay
43:14and like wow
43:16that's so not me
43:17that's just not my life
43:19and you just have to
43:19suck it up
43:20and take it
43:20you'll always be
43:21on the sideline
43:22third string
43:23and so I'm standing
43:25there like
43:25you know
43:26hearing some guy
43:27over the PA
43:28this is our new single
43:29yeah
43:30never going to be me
43:32David Bowie
43:33walks by me
43:34and like you
43:35I love those records
43:37there's not one thing
43:39wrong with those records
43:40the more you play them
43:41the better they get
43:42and so
43:43he looks fantastic
43:45hair perfect
43:46suit perfect
43:47I go rigid
43:48like
43:49officer on deck
43:51and so
43:52I just stand there
43:53silent as can be
43:55because I don't want
43:56to be
43:57like the thing
43:58that makes David Bowie
43:59fly away
43:59like a rare bird
44:00like if I
44:01if I go like
44:02and people are like
44:05why'd you do that
44:06to David Bowie
44:06he's rarer than
44:09the snowy egret
44:10and chingateek
44:11in October
44:11like why did you
44:12do that
44:13and so I'm like
44:14David Bowie
44:15is walking by me
44:17I am such a fan
44:18this is all I need
44:2020 years later
44:22I'll be standing
44:22on a stage
44:23with cameras rolling
44:24saying
44:24David Bowie
44:26walked by me
44:27and I was fine
44:28I don't need
44:29to meet him
44:30I just
44:31like to be
44:32near him
44:33fine
44:34so I'm standing
44:35like wow
44:35that's
44:36I like the cut
44:37of his chip
44:38he
44:38good posture
44:40and he's walking
44:42by me
44:43from like me
44:44you know
44:44to like
44:4510 rows back
44:46and he stops
44:48and looks to his left
44:49and points at me
44:51and says
44:51Rollins
44:53I go running
44:54at David Bowie
44:55with my right hand
44:59extended like a lance
45:01not knowing
45:03what I'm going to say
45:04when I get there
45:05like if I said
45:06ah Bowie
45:07that's like
45:08two professors
45:09greeting each other
45:10down the long
45:11hallways of academia
45:12good morning Plato
45:14hello Socrates
45:15no
45:16and so I ran up
45:18to him
45:19and I stuck my hand
45:19and I think
45:20I went
45:20ah
45:21because these people
45:24their records
45:24aren't just something
45:25to me
45:25they saved me
45:26you know
45:27that these records
45:27save your ass
45:29and so
45:30whenever I see
45:32Iggy pop
45:33I'm like
45:34hey
45:35he's like
45:36hey Henry
45:36how are you man
45:38I'm like
45:38that's my name
45:39ah
45:40I can't stand it
45:42anyway
45:43I walk up to David Bowie
45:45or as our band members
45:46affectionately called him
45:47The Bow
45:48and I think
45:49I went
45:49and he shook my hand
45:52and before I could
45:52say anything
45:53he said
45:54Henry
45:54you said something
45:55in an interview
45:56in a magazine
45:57last month
45:57that I found
45:58very interesting
45:58and proceeded
45:59to quote me
46:00back to me
46:02I went numb
46:05I'm like
46:06you read an interview
46:07of mine
46:08and he kind of
46:08blew me off
46:09he said
46:09are you kidding
46:09I read all your interviews
46:10you're very interesting
46:11now
46:11last year in a magazine
46:13in Germany
46:13you said this
46:14and he proceeds
46:15to quote me
46:15from something
46:16he translated
46:17from German
46:18from a year ago
46:19I'm like
46:19I did say that
46:20sure sounds better
46:21when you say it
46:22all I wanted
46:24was a highway
46:25and a truck
46:26just like
46:27kill me
46:28because my life
46:29is never getting
46:29better than this
46:30and so
46:32he said
46:36have you had lunch yet
46:38I went
46:39no
46:39he said
46:39well let's go have lunch
46:40I go
46:41let me check my day planner
46:42okay
46:42and so
46:44we go into the catering tent
46:45which has like
46:46hundreds of people in it
46:47and everyone stops
46:49because David
46:50freaking Bowie
46:50walks into the tent
46:52and like
46:52large Viking
46:53roadie men
46:54have like
46:55half a deer
46:55going towards
46:56their mouths
46:57like
46:57and he
46:59he played it perfectly
47:01good afternoon
47:02I don't want to
47:03disturb anyone's meal
47:04please
47:04carry on
47:05he got us standing
47:07and be like
47:07oh that was
47:07oh that was so beautiful
47:09that was better
47:11than red sails
47:12on lodger
47:12oh
47:13and so
47:15we get some food
47:16and we sit down
47:17and we're eating
47:17and we're talking
47:18about everything
47:19you know
47:19from his friend
47:20Lou Reed
47:20his friend Iggy Pop
47:21and on and on
47:22and the entire
47:24mess hall
47:24is listening to our
47:25conversation
47:26because it's David Bowie
47:27my bandmates
47:28find out who I'm eating lunch
47:29where they come running in
47:30and they all run up
47:31Henry
47:32big smiles on their faces
47:33pretending they like me
47:34like
47:34introduce us to your friends
47:36I said David
47:37me dopey
47:38sleepy
47:39and so
47:40to each one of them
47:42he said
47:42how do you do
47:43I'm David
47:44like they don't know
47:45and
47:46and they all
47:47come
47:47boom
47:48and we all
47:50just sat around him
47:51and watched him
47:52eat
47:52like
47:53we're all grown men
47:58and the way you
48:00masticate
48:01is so dreamy
48:02and he starts
48:05looking at us
48:05like
48:06I'm at a table
48:07full of weirdos
48:08and so
48:10he said
48:11um
48:11I've got to go
48:12get ready to play
48:13and we're like
48:13and as cynical
48:16as my bandmates were
48:17because I'm a fanboy
48:18of everybody
48:19we'd meet some band
48:20like
48:20wow that was so cool
48:21they're like
48:22Henry
48:22they're just people
48:24in a band
48:24I'm like
48:25not to me
48:26saved my life
48:27too many times
48:27for just to be
48:28somebody in a band
48:29but even those guys
48:30sitting on the tour bus
48:32later that night
48:32after we watched
48:33Mr. Bowie play
48:34the most cynical one
48:36said
48:36I hate to admit this
48:38but that was
48:39really cool
48:40I went
48:40ah
48:41see
48:42you're not dead yet
48:44many years ago
48:47I was at the practice place
48:49same place
48:49where I met RuPaul
48:50all those years ago
48:51struggling with my band members
48:53trying to make some music
48:54it wasn't going very well
48:56we're just
48:56it's not
48:57we're having a bad month
48:58year
48:59and so we're grinding away
49:01and someone comes in
49:02from the front lounge
49:03where the phone is
49:04Ozzy Osbourne's people
49:05just called
49:06and they want you to open
49:07a couple of shows
49:08for Ozzy in Florida
49:09what do you say
49:10I said yes so fast
49:12I sprained my face
49:13like not yet
49:14I've loved that guy
49:16since I was 12
49:17my band members
49:18were far less enthusiastic
49:20like
49:20and one of them said
49:21but Henry
49:22he's rock
49:24I was like
49:24oh
49:25oh am I going to
49:27pull rank right now
49:28you
49:29you salaried band member
49:31you will
49:31start learning the set
49:33because in three weeks
49:34we are opening for
49:35Ozzy Osbourne
49:37and they just had to
49:39take it
49:39because I'm El Jefe
49:40and so
49:42we get all practiced up
49:44we've got the set ready
49:46and we fly down to Florida
49:47and we overnight in Florida
49:49then we're taken
49:50to the Megadome
49:51some huge place
49:52and we're put on a golf cart
49:54and sent
49:54you know miles below
49:56the earth's surface
49:56to one of those
49:57really scary
49:58utilitarian dressing rooms
50:00or locker rooms
50:01that hold
50:02like 55 naked men
50:04after they bash
50:05each other's brains in
50:06and they have those
50:07showers for all the men
50:09to use at once
50:09with a really bad
50:11feeling water
50:12they come like
50:12ow ow
50:13it all hurts
50:13and I walked into this
50:15like massive hallway
50:16of spigots
50:17thinking
50:17could I stand naked
50:19with a bunch of
50:20other men
50:21snapping towels
50:23and dropping soap
50:24and I realized
50:25that
50:26no
50:27not at all
50:28way too uptight
50:30and so
50:31we're looking
50:32at the amenities
50:33that we've been given
50:35in our
50:36like wooden bench
50:37fluorescent light
50:39dressing room
50:39now that we are
50:40in the big time
50:41we had
50:42a can of coke
50:43an apple
50:45and a coffee mug
50:47with nothing in it
50:48that's it
50:49and we kind of went
50:50well
50:51that's the big time
50:53the door
50:55bursts open
50:57it's Ozzy Osbourne
50:59he has a cigar
51:00which one of you guys
51:02was Henry man?
51:02I said
51:03I am
51:04hey everybody
51:05my name is Ozzy man
51:05thank you for coming
51:06on the tour man
51:07we have a PA
51:08it's really loud
51:08play it as loud
51:09as you want
51:10if you want to
51:10blow it up
51:11blow it up
51:11have a really good time
51:13and he leaves
51:14total time
51:1711 seconds
51:1911 seconds
51:19it was fantastic
51:21my bandmates
51:22were dually
51:22that was
51:23that was pretty amazing
51:25like swept in
51:26swept out
51:27and there's an ash
51:28and so
51:30we do
51:31opening for the
51:31big rock act
51:32sound check
51:33you get on stage
51:34all right
51:35thank you
51:35but no
51:36I was just
51:37plugging in
51:37you're the opening band
51:38that's all the sound check
51:39you get
51:40we can hear your
51:40instruments
51:41go
51:41back on the golf cart
51:42so I say
51:46to the band members
51:46I said look
51:47no one's going to
51:47want to see us play
51:48okay
51:49that's the downside
51:49of this show
51:50they only want
51:50one guy
51:51one guy only
51:51and it's none of us
51:52it's Ozzy
51:53so if you see
51:54a laser dot
51:55on your shirt
51:56that's a sniper
51:57keep playing
51:59but run
52:00in an evasive
52:01zigzag pattern
52:02while you play
52:03I said to our drummer
52:05if you see
52:06the laser dot
52:07you're kind of
52:08stuck with your seat
52:09you're a drummer
52:10you can take anything
52:11so just you know
52:12suck it up
52:13and get shot
52:13for the cause
52:15I said if you see
52:16any toothless wonders
52:17with a meth lab
52:18at home
52:19with a brick
52:20or a hatchet
52:20or a motley crew
52:228 track
52:23to bash you
52:24over the head with
52:24just run
52:26but keep playing
52:27as long as possible
52:28I'm just trying
52:29to give them
52:30every nightmare scenario
52:31so they're ready
52:32and so
52:33okay your time
52:34is in
52:35we get on the golf cart
52:36and we jump out
52:38on the stage
52:38with thousands
52:39of people
52:40and I said
52:41hey
52:41we're the Rollins band
52:43I'm like
52:45damn
52:46I'm Freddie Mercury
52:47at Wembley
52:48like
52:49no you can hear
52:51them roar
52:52and the whole band
52:53is like
52:53damn
52:55okay so we play
52:56the first song
52:57like
52:57it comes to an end
52:58I'm like
53:00yeah
53:01I did things
53:03that day
53:03that I have never
53:04done before
53:05in my life
53:05things that punk rock
53:06instruct me
53:07to never do
53:08you never
53:09address an audience
53:10by the city
53:12or the state
53:12like hey Florida
53:14don't do it
53:15don't do it
53:16if I walk
53:16it's like
53:17hey what's up
53:18Portland
53:18oh
53:19I mean
53:19it's just
53:20disingenuous
53:21and patronizing
53:22I don't do it
53:23it came out of me
53:24because when you see
53:2520,000 people
53:26going
53:26it just
53:28I'm like
53:28all right Florida
53:30I started working
53:32the stage
53:32if you've noticed
53:33I've been standing
53:34stock still
53:34because I'm concentrating
53:35do you think
53:36this is easy
53:36it's not
53:37and so
53:38I started
53:38working the stage
53:39which is nauseating
53:41just to say that
53:42but I'm like
53:42and I'm thinking
53:46like
53:46what am I
53:47what am I doing
53:48what is this
53:50chicken thing
53:51I'm doing
53:51and like
53:53people are digging
53:54it
53:54and then
53:56as the songs
53:56go on
53:57I'm coming up
53:58with this
53:58dumbest stuff
53:59to say
53:59that's our
54:00bass player
54:00over there
54:01playing bass
54:02yeah
54:03all right
54:05our drummer
54:06we can do
54:09no wrong
54:10so we finished
54:11the show
54:12I think we all
54:13came out to the
54:13front of the stage
54:14a la
54:14the scorpions
54:15like
54:16and I said
54:24something awful
54:25like
54:25next time
54:26we're going to
54:26come back
54:27and rock
54:27yeah
54:28and we get
54:35back on the
54:35golf cart
54:36hearing
54:36we can barely
54:40get our heads
54:40into the
54:41dressing room
54:41knowing that
54:42next time
54:42we come back
54:43to Florida
54:43that is
54:44our audience
54:45we've got
54:47them
54:47and so
54:48I shower up
54:49alone
54:49fellas don't
54:50come in
54:50I'll be naked
54:51I run up
54:54to topside
54:55because I want
54:55to watch
54:55Ozzy play
54:56the band
54:57is on stage
54:59Ozzy standing
55:00right there
55:00facing the
55:01stage
55:01audience
55:02band
55:03Ozzy on stage
55:04right
55:04you are left
55:05he's like this
55:06and I walk up
55:08I go
55:08hey Ozzy
55:09how are you
55:10oh hey man
55:11is there anyone
55:12out there
55:13I went
55:13it's like
55:1419,000
55:16people
55:17you smell
55:18the WD-40
55:19that's how they
55:19got the last
55:203,000 in
55:21he's like
55:22oh
55:23I always worry
55:23that no one's
55:24going to show up
55:25I went Ozzy
55:26when have you
55:27not sold
55:28out a place
55:29like since
55:301968
55:31I don't know
55:32man but in
55:32the afternoons
55:33I get really
55:34nervous and
55:34depressed that
55:35no one will
55:35show up man
55:36I went
55:37uh
55:38they're here
55:39and just to
55:40hear him say
55:41that that he
55:42has trepidation
55:43about no one
55:43showing up
55:44I'm like
55:44wow
55:45it's impressive
55:46and so he
55:47kind of goes
55:47back to this
55:47like I'm not
55:49there
55:49Sharon Osbourne
55:51appears out of
55:53nowhere
55:53she's there
55:54she gets
55:55right behind
55:56Ozzy
55:56Ozzy
55:58and I was
55:58like
55:59and she
56:00just
56:00and he
56:01goes out
56:02like
56:02he runs
56:03out on stage
56:04and this
56:07this switch
56:08is flicked
56:09and suddenly
56:11ah
56:12let's go
56:13crazy
56:14and you
56:15hear
56:16the sound
56:17of the sky
56:18being ripped
56:19in half
56:20it's like a
56:21747
56:21taking off
56:22in your mind
56:23and that's
56:2820,000 people
56:29on their feet
56:30cheering
56:30and that's
56:31when you realize
56:32is the sound
56:34of 20,000 people
56:36all go like
56:36how many more
56:37songs do they have
56:38can I have
56:41some of that
56:42god
56:43the Rollins man
56:44they suck
56:45oh
56:47this song
56:48what's he doing
56:49this is the worst
56:55crap I've ever
56:56seen
56:56and that's what
56:58is
57:01and it was such
57:02a humbling
57:03lesson
57:03and I do
57:05my best
57:05to never
57:06forget that
57:07moment
57:08because I'm
57:09always coming
57:09from that
57:10microscopic
57:11little
57:11lest I
57:14lose the plot
57:15have a great
57:16weekend
57:16good night
57:17thanks
57:17thanks
57:22couldn't have
57:25done it
57:25without you
57:26thank you
57:26good night
57:27thank you
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