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casper.bradley
  • 2 days ago

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00:00Finding a good man is about as easy as finding a cat in a snowstorm on New Year's Eve.
00:09That's what my mother used to say.
00:11You know what I say?
00:15Yes!
00:17Hello, I'm Erin Prist.
00:19I am a relationship coach.
00:21I've got news for you, there are plenty of guys out there.
00:24They are not the problem, ladies.
00:27We are, we are, we are.
00:28A week ago, I thought I knew it all.
00:31How many of you think that finding the one...
00:34The one is going to make you happy?
00:39When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness?
00:42We don't even trust somebody else to order our soy lattes.
00:47Women all over the country thought I knew the secret to finding their man.
00:52I think I was just a good talker.
00:53You wouldn't drive with blindfold on.
00:55So stop dating with one.
01:00You've got to watch out for the signs.
01:04Is he married?
01:05A cheater?
01:06Watches gay porn just for variety?
01:08They're not changing, ladies.
01:13Detours!
01:14The 24-year-old kid who sells sandwiches in your office?
01:16The very hot ex-boyfriend who's never going to commit?
01:21Keep moving!
01:22Lose him!
01:23You are never going to be able to...
01:26If he's...
01:28You know what?
01:34I was happy.
01:36I was getting married.
01:37I'd like you to take my dress.
01:39As a gift.
01:40We'll send it to you.
01:43Thanks to someone else's self-help book and the patch, I had quit smoking.
01:47I was booked at speaking engagements from Boston to Boulder.
01:50That was last week.
02:00Oh, thank you.
02:05Hi.
02:05Annie!
02:06You have got to stop crashing my book parties.
02:08I just wanted to be the first to have it in paperback.
02:14So who do I make it out to?
02:16Me.
02:16Don't you want to stalk someone a little groovier, like Bruce Springsteen or something?
02:22You make me feel better.
02:26To Annie.
02:27Stop stalking, start dating.
02:30Have hope.
02:37Ah, finally.
02:43Welcome!
02:44We're here to celebrate.
02:46The paperback release of relationship coach Maren Frist's second book,
02:51I'm Dating and So Can You.
02:55And tonight, as her editor, I am thrilled to announce
03:00that Maren's third book has been optioned, called,
03:04fittingly,
03:06I'm Getting Married and So Can You.
03:09Enjoy the preview.
03:10Congratulations.
03:11I'll take the book.
03:13It didn't hurt that a New Yorker columnist gave me a great review.
03:16You can thank me by letting me bum a cigarette.
03:18Oh, I quit.
03:20Graham hates it.
03:21Now I channel my addiction into spinning class.
03:23The things we do for love.
03:24Aw, I wish I had someone to give up vices for.
03:27This being single thing is getting very tired.
03:30Most of the time I can forget it.
03:32But then it's the end of the book party.
03:34I have to go and hail a cab.
03:36Alone.
03:38Graham, go hail Kiki a cab.
03:40Gladly.
03:41You're a lifesaver.
03:42Oh, yes, thank you.
03:45You have a 7 a.m. to Alaska tomorrow, so ixnay on the third drink game.
03:49Only you, Jane, would book me a speaking engagement in Alaska.
03:52Oh, I had nothing to do with that one.
03:54But the lecture the next day in Seattle?
03:56Homey.
03:57Three o'clock, Daily News reporter.
04:00I am you.
04:01Hey, you know the rules.
04:03No coaching the editor.
04:04Shut down gals deserve love, too.
04:07I think we just found the title of your fourth lawyer.
04:09Stavros Kalidarkos.
04:15Who?
04:16My old neighbor, her Kiki.
04:20That could work.
04:22Most people count sheep, you count singles.
04:26Calms me down.
04:29Jim Friedman.
04:32Go to sleep.
04:39Ah, I'm an idiot.
04:51Oh, I took my fiance's computer by mistake.
04:54I overslept.
04:57Never mind.
04:58Oh, that's him, Graham, and me.
05:11Me again.
05:19Kiki, what?
05:20She'll have a whiskey.
05:33Street up.
05:43Keep your seatbelts fastened.
05:45We're heading into some pretty heavy turkeys.
05:47Hey!
06:15Hey-ho!
06:19Oh, no, I don't mean your ho.
06:20I meant, like, hey-ho!
06:24Wow.
06:25Who are you?
06:27Oh, man, I'm so psyched.
06:28I forgot to introduce myself.
06:29Patrick Batchelor.
06:31Yeah, and don't hold the name against me.
06:32I got both your books.
06:34Getting my learner's permit to love, you know?
06:36Baron Fris.
06:38Huge.
06:39Patrick, have you got a cigarette?
06:41No, I do not.
06:45Chapter three, first book.
06:46Who's gonna love your body if you don't?
06:48I don't know.
06:50Thought you had me, huh?
06:52Got a lot of luggage.
06:53Great little bag.
06:54Thanks.
06:55I'm kind of a Patrick of all trades.
06:57Radio personality.
06:59Innkeeper.
06:59Love her, love her, women.
07:02Maren Frist.
07:04This is huge.
07:05This was huger when Tom Self was up here shooting the Cruise Line commercial.
07:08And that was pretty darn huge.
07:11Maren Frist!
07:12Look how Maren's bursting!
07:14Woo-hoo!
07:14Woo-hoo!
07:15Woo-hoo!
07:16Chivalry isn't dead.
07:27Chapter five.
07:34Ah, looks like somebody forgot their muck looks.
07:40Here we are.
07:41Presidential suite.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:46Check it out.
07:48Lincoln.
07:50Right.
07:53Hey, would you maybe be a guest on my radio show tomorrow, AM?
07:57There's a radio station up here?
07:59About ten megahertz.
08:01But when the skies are super clear, you can hear us in Poland.
08:06Not that they can, like, understand us or anything.
08:09Yeah.
08:10Okay, sure.
08:11Oh, sweet.
08:12If you need anything, I'll be downstairs, catch some Z's.
08:19Get a big lecture in three hours.
08:23Bye.
08:33Are you having an affair with Kiki winning?
08:37Just say it.
08:40I saw the pictures.
08:41Nice slideshow.
08:43Very artistic.
08:49Yes.
08:52Yes.
08:54Artistic or yes, a fair?
08:55No.
08:56Don't you ever just feel like you need to breathe?
08:59I thought we would do that after we were married.
09:05Which, going out on a limb here isn't going to be happening.
09:12Is she it for you?
09:15I don't know.
09:16I just thought she was going to be a speed bump.
09:20You're using my words to break up with me?
09:24You ready to go?
09:24She's there.
09:30In my apartment, there.
09:32Maren.
09:34Maren.
09:38Yeah, we don't have minibars.
09:41But we have a full-size one down on Front Street.
09:43It's the Chieftain.
09:44I was born on the other side of the town.
10:00Everybody over here.
10:02I never thought about it much till the first time I saw.
10:11Oh, oh, what's the poor boy I'm going to do?
10:20Bad enough to love you from the far.
10:27Me down here and you up where you are.
10:32If you hadn't given me that look
10:37And I saw me in the talking street
10:40Vodka, Negroni, please.
10:50Refresh my memory?
10:52You have bitters?
10:53Nope.
10:54Triple sec?
10:54Out.
10:55I'll take the vodka.
10:57Coming up.
10:57Pick it a double.
11:08I know you.
11:11Yeah.
11:12I'm Maren Frist.
11:13Yeah.
11:14Yeah.
11:15Yeah.
11:15You used to sell pelts.
11:17I had to stand out on Route 11.
11:18No.
11:20Oh, yeah.
11:21I don't know you.
11:23Leave her alone, Jerome.
11:24All right.
11:24He's not bothering me.
11:27He will if you let him.
11:30Hmm.
11:31I thought you might be hungry.
11:32Mm-hmm.
11:32My head.
11:33Thanks.
11:33Oh, that's nice.
11:37It's nice that people still like each other.
11:47Sorry.
11:48Oh, that's original.
11:50Huh?
11:50The old pickup line.
11:53Use a little sprucing up, if you know what I mean.
11:56Yeah.
11:57I'm not trying to pick you up.
11:57Oh, yeah.
11:58You are.
11:59Trust me.
11:59I know men.
12:02I'm a relationship, Coach.
12:03What?
12:04Coach, what?
12:05Do you get a ball team?
12:06No, I do not have a ball team.
12:08Oh, you got balls.
12:10Oh, wow.
12:11You're one of those.
12:12I'm a lucky Lou.
12:14You put yourself on cruise control and you flirt with women, but you never stop and get out of
12:18the car.
12:18My name's Jack and I'm not trying to pick you up.
12:23I'm just trying to get a napkin.
12:25You need one, Coach?
12:28No, I do not need one.
12:29And if I did need one, I could get one for myself.
12:31I don't need a man to get a napkin for me.
12:33In fact, I don't need a man, period.
12:35Yeah.
12:36It's nice meeting you, too.
12:42One more for the road.
12:43Hurry up.
12:44We're late.
12:46Yeah, we got a full house.
12:47Come on.
12:54Where are the women?
12:57We're hoping that you kind of help us with that part.
13:02Everybody!
13:03Maren Frisk!
13:05Break an antler.
13:06Okay, okay.
13:19Okay.
13:20Okay.
13:21Okay.
13:25Okay.
13:28Okay.
13:28How many of you guys think that finding the one is going to make you happy?
13:38When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness?
13:48We don't even let somebody else order our soy lattes.
13:53All right.
13:54Soy lattes.
13:56It's a coffee drink, you know.
13:58Oh, yeah.
14:00Yeah.
14:00The point is, don't cheat.
14:07Oh, and you got to look out for the signs, which I didn't, even though it's my job.
14:13Uh, yes, you.
14:15I don't have a question.
14:17Well, that's good, because I do.
14:20Let's say you're a guy.
14:24Okay.
14:24Okay.
14:25And you get engaged to this girl after dating her for a year, during which time she's laughed
14:31at all your jokes, some of which not so funny.
14:33She's gone to your company picnic, snore, your family dinners, scary.
14:40She's pretty successful.
14:42She's kind.
14:44She's not half bad in the sack.
14:49So why do you not want to marry her?
14:57She's no Selick.
15:03Great.
15:28I miss my flight.
15:33Jane, leave a message.
15:42Um, Jane, you got to call me.
15:48I, Graham, this is really bad.
15:58Hi.
16:02Hi.
16:03You may want to keep your side of the bathroom locked.
16:06My side?
16:07Yeah.
16:08Sarah, I only have a half an hour from my shift.
16:16I need a spinning class.
16:18Ah, spinning what?
16:18Spinning bike.
16:19A spinning bike class.
16:21You sit on a stationary bike and you bike to music.
16:23But you don't go anywhere.
16:24Right.
16:27Yeah, we don't have one.
16:28Well, why would you want to go for a bike ride and not go anywhere?
16:31What's the point?
16:32I mean, that's like riding a legless horse or like a pogo stick without a stick or like...
16:36Yeah, I get it.
16:38Wowza.
16:39I'm sorry.
16:40And I'm sorry about last night.
16:44I missed my flight.
16:46And I really need to get out of here.
16:49Yeah, and you missed my radio show this morning.
16:51Oh, okay.
16:53I'm sorry about that, too.
16:54Yeah, I did interview my mom.
16:56Oh, God.
16:56You really wouldn't want me on the air right now.
17:01Trust me.
17:04I think I got something for you.
17:06Now, the front brakes don't work.
17:08And you're going to need this.
17:10Bear spray.
17:16Actually, you sprayed on the bear.
17:18But that'll work.
17:24Oh, whoa.
17:25Ah, sorry.
17:26Sorry.
17:27Woo-hoo.
17:29Well, my heart knows it better than I know myself, so I'm going to let it do all the talking.
17:34Woo-hoo.
17:36Woo-hoo.
17:38I came across a place in the middle of nowhere with a big black horse and a cherry tree.
17:43Woo-hoo.
17:43Woo-hoo.
17:44Woo-hoo.
17:46Woo-hoo.
17:46Woo-hoo.
17:46Woo-hoo.
17:46Woo-hoo.
17:48I felt a little fear upon my back.
17:50I said, don't look back.
17:51Just keep on walking.
17:52Woo-hoo.
17:54Woo-hoo.
17:56Woo-hoo.
17:59Woo-hoo.
18:01Woo-hoo.
18:02Woo-hoo.
18:14Oh!
18:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:17You're not the one who's ever known.
18:21Now you're out.
18:23Coach Mac!
18:24Hey!
18:25Hey!
18:26Oh, anybody?
18:27Anybody?
18:27Hey!
18:27Hey!
18:28Hey!
18:28Hey!
18:28Hey!
18:28Hey!
18:29Hey!
18:29Hey!
18:29Hey!
18:30Hey!
18:31Hey!
18:31Hey!
18:31Hey!
18:32Hey!
18:33Hey!
18:34how you doing coach i hear you got a 911 so is it what you're a cop uh a fish and game
18:46biologist the sheriff called me is that what they're wearing in new york these days
18:50all of my clothes are in there with the
19:04that's a pretty big possibly rabid raccoon you're going to want to wait outside i'm not leaving
19:12that animal alone with my favorite purple full croc flats could be dangerous i'm fine
19:18they go for the neck whatever get on macho
19:34the deceased you can't leave food out or whatever this bar thing is
19:45these are very tasty
19:50i'll only make one round trip flight tomorrow to sitka fine i'll go to sitka oh you don't want
19:56to go to sitka wrong direction anchorage will get you to hawaii what's in hawaii
20:03well she wanted to go there for the honeymoon he chose turkey he got to choose because she made
20:09him take dancing lessons i told you all that last night yeah somewhere between the vodka shots and the
20:15schnapps what kind of a pansy man takes dance lessons buzz i just want to get to hawaii and relax
20:24and i'm desperate and apparently you are the only pilot who can fly me tomorrow so what's it going to
20:29take how much you got on me you're paying for expertise back in 1955 they only hired one black
20:37pilot to cap in a commercial airliner that was you no that was august martin so i had to come up here
20:43to start my own airline buzz airways and i'm not sure buzz is flying tomorrow
20:51i got 200 bucks
20:55okay i'll take you noon sharp
20:57goodbye happy i'm going to hawaii that's right hawaii where it's warm and where there are cigarettes
21:11what are you doing here yeah that's my line you were supposed to be in seattle
21:24i missed my flight well that's why i'm here to make sure you get on a flight tonight to chicago
21:31no flight to chicago tonight but you're welcome to come with me to anchorage and then to hawaii
21:35no flight to anchorage either there isn't nope it's the storm coming in buzz airways is grounded
21:43uh you buying a little lady
21:48friend told my shrink your shrink told you yes she was upset she needed to talk about it
21:58oh
22:01is this a gay bar this is the only bar this town is filled with men they're all
22:05over like a bad rash they're even in the trees ask me why we're going to chicago
22:14i booked you on oprah
22:18this is the part where you jump for joy
22:20i can't do oprah all you've done for a year is talk about going on oprah
22:27you pretend that i know how to find a good man when i can't find one myself stinking
22:32thank you everyone has got to stop quoting knee to knee okay yes
22:38what'll it be ah yes i would like a chardonnay
22:43it's a white wine if you like white i have joliver pouille fumée 2001 that won't knock your boots off
22:51look you just have to get back on the horse i'll start writing the book again and it'll be okay
23:00oh yeah what's the name of the book gonna be i'm not getting married in four weeks because he cheated
23:05on me and you can too that's a little long
23:08apparently i know nothing about men oh maybe you just weren't listening oh men talk oh you have
23:18dirty harry syndrome what all i heard was dirty every woman thinks that she wants dirty harry the
23:26tough guy you know with a big gun strong and silent but really what's giving you ladies all hot and
23:33bothered is clint eastwood the guy who played dirty harry the guy with a gun who'll watch harry meet
23:39sally with you and cook dinner then you make too many dinners and you're a pushover cooking dinner
23:45watching girly movies what's wrong with you people women want it all we can't give it to you
23:55so you guys are kind of screwed you got it well breakups how to hammer the dents out and get back
24:06on the road you can either lie in bed and mope or get back out there i say take a shower and go out
24:13and smile because the next guy's not going to notice you unless you have your bright side
24:23until they fall
24:31it's official no one in alaska reads
24:34how you doing coach sir perhaps you'd like to add maren frisk's bestseller to that stuff jane
24:49it's fine she is a world-renowned dating expert yeah i know i was at her uh lecture
24:54you know how amazing she is well i know she can't hold her liquor
24:58here you know i'll take one don't buy my book as you pity me okay
25:13i'm officially pathetic no you're not you're going on oprah if i get reception on this thing
25:19and get them to push a day it's four minutes after the cardinal they should be in by now hold down the
25:25door for it mary annie what are you doing here i heard about what happened with your fiancee of
25:36course you did i had to take a bus from vancouver there's a bus to vancouver once a week you just missed
25:42it oh have hope what that that's what you wrote in my book have hope you
25:55you have given me hope and now i want to give you some annie that is really sweet and really
26:03extreme of you you deserve a great guy he'll show up right i i mean i'm still getting my learner's
26:13permit to love and i'm ignoring a lot of the road signs and there's been a few detours along
26:17but when i come on
26:30sorry
26:31sorry um oh hello hello hello yeah can you can you hear me uh hold on
26:39that i can't find my way around your face
26:42okay so i i think i can get her out tomorrow so if you can read what i'm going to do that that'd be
26:47great but you sent my assistant back to you no no no so did you do we have a deal lady yeah i'm i'm on the phone
26:55here yeah well you gotta move because i gotta plow i am not giving up the one corner where i can
27:00communicate with the outside world yeah no no no no no no it's fine i just
27:07you're being very rude hey i'm just doing my job so am i buster
27:12name's dave what's yours not moving suit yourself
27:32patrick annie annie patrick hey ho hi
27:39oh hey uh something came for you today in ben's lemon shipment yeah i put it in your room
27:46thanks no doc thank you
27:56hey she's a crackpot but i dig her i had listened to her read a chinese menu
28:03i wrote that yeah in her chat room alaska dude one two three
28:09yeah city fan four n's
28:19my dress oh no mister not this time
28:33yeah that's right let's
28:44yeah that's pretty much what it looks like
29:10the door was open what what looks like marriage it's full of a lot more dirt and holes in the
29:23fairy tale dress they sell you
29:28sarah can i tell you something i've never told anyone pretty much got dirt on everyone in this town so shoot
29:33all these years all these years i've sold myself as a single girl
29:36it's a total lie
29:39i've never actually been alone since i was 16
29:48i've always had a guy
29:49well i've never been able to be with someone
29:55so you're not married anymore
29:57divorced i have a kid
30:01his dad went awol to the lower 48 so i try and make ends meet however i can
30:06go ahead go ahead judge me i'm not gonna judge you i judge me
30:17i really want to leave the hospitality business
30:21it's hard to find a guy who just likes me for me
30:28yeah dating was impossible for me once the guy found out i was a relationship coach so
30:32i would lie and say that i was a computer technician
30:37how'd that work well pretty good until he asked me to fix his hard drive
30:45do you have any cigarettes
30:46the rest can run the first of the month on the ferry by the end of the month we're down to chalk
30:51i'm not that desperate yet you guys love it i can't stand guys
30:57you came to the wrong town ratio is like 10 to 1 here so men run the place are you kidding
31:04we're the ones with the power they're lonely we're the prize it's like shooting fish in a barrel
31:10here i've been telling single women to go to sports bars i should have been telling them to go to
31:14alaska yeah well the odds are good but the goods are odd ben seems nice and very into you
31:24better be you married me now we're separated ben wants to get back together but i want to see what
31:34else is out there there's no hope here women get to be men everyone gets to be who they want to be
31:52where are you headed anywhere they can sell me a cigarette get in
32:06where do you run out away from
32:10everything
32:13when you were lost you must look to the skies for answers
32:17our ancestors are there in the stars clouds
32:24but if there are no answers if you don't believe you'll end up like the frozen girl
32:29she kept walking never looked up they found her body frozen to death on knock me mountain
32:39300 years old alone no teeth fat
32:45she was so fat after 300 years that's how fat she was
32:56here we go
32:56so
33:06thank you
33:19so
33:23Hey, stop, stop, stop, trust me, I've tried.
33:53Did you see the thin ice sign?
33:57No, and P.S., seeing signs, not my strong suit.
34:05What is this?
34:07Observation hut.
34:09What are you observing?
34:11I was looking for a nocturnal bear, but instead I found a relationship coach.
34:16Almost as dangerous.
34:19Oh, man, I'm cold.
34:23We're getting hypothermic, but it's too dark to walk across the ice safely.
34:28There's only one way we're going to make it to morning.
34:30Light a bar?
34:35Your elbow's in my...
34:39This getting naked for one thing better not be some sad attempt to get sex.
34:44I don't want to have sex with you.
34:46I know all about you lonely Alaska guys.
34:51I, uh, maybe you should stop thinking in stereotypes.
34:58It's not you.
35:00It's all men.
35:01I just don't want to be around them right now.
35:04Well, it's working out for you.
35:07Shut up.
35:08Godly.
35:08Godly.
35:11Yeah.
35:21Godly.
35:22Everything in the right place, coach.
35:42Wolves.
35:52They're beautiful.
35:56They're mating.
35:58Actually, she's just rubbing her crap into his fur.
36:03But then after, you know, maybe they'll get busy.
36:07I'm gonna have to drive, coach.
36:18You screwed up my shifting wrist.
36:22I can't.
36:24Hey, you have to.
36:26No, I can't drive.
36:37I'm supposed to be teaching people how to drive to happiness and I don't even have a license.
36:45I know.
36:46It's totally lame.
36:48Probably put out a total secret.
36:51Down.
36:53Well, this is a good place to learn.
36:55Plenty of open space.
36:57Just a few stop lights.
36:58No one around to see you when you hit a tree.
37:02Yeah.
37:03Third.
37:04Yeah.
37:05There you go.
37:09So good.
37:10So what's your secret?
37:15What you see is what you get.
37:17Can you drop me at the dock?
37:21I can't grow a fear or even fight.
37:24I lied about me in the outdoor night.
37:29What the happened to you?
37:34You know what?
37:37Don't worry about it.
37:38You can shower in Chicago.
37:39Here, Happy.
37:40Happy.
37:41Come on, Happy.
37:42Come on, Happy.
37:45Sit.
37:46Sit.
37:47I'm not going.
37:50What?
37:51What do you mean?
37:52You're not going to Chicago?
37:53I'm not going.
37:54Period.
37:55Oh, Maren.
37:56Honey, you can't stay here if I don't have a nail place or a spinning class.
38:08I need to breathe.
38:11And start my book.
38:13About marriage?
38:15About men.
38:16But you said you didn't know anything about them.
38:21It's about time I learned.
38:23We say we go, ladies.
38:25I'm on the clock here.
38:27Oh, Maren.
38:31Please be okay.
38:32If you change editors, I'll hunt you down and kill you.
38:44Buzz?
38:45There is a universe that can't be seen.
38:48Just a feeling if you know what I mean.
38:52Delectable dimension, undetectable by sight.
38:56Fill up your heart in the dead of the night.
39:00Some say that it's an astral plane.
39:03Can't be described, can't be explained.
39:06What did you put for question four?
39:13D.
39:16Same here.
39:21The truest thing I know about relationships is that sometimes we don't know anything at all.
39:40Separation exists not in love, feel hard, but all in your mind.
39:49Real stories all around you.
39:52Even now it's around you.
39:55Even now I feel the power.
39:58You can't always get the one you want.
40:01And sometimes the one you get may not be the right one at all.
40:11But if you have hope, the universe has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need.
40:19The challenge is to let yourself be alone until the right one shows up.
40:26But you can't hide either.
40:38Heartbreak sucks.
40:41But not having heartbreak sucks more.
40:46The answers aren't in a lecture or a book.
40:50But maybe if you get yourself happy, you'll find the right one.
40:55Heartbreak sucks.
40:56I believe this, because against all odds, I am still an optimist.
41:00Because, against all odds, I am still an optimist.
41:16That's the thing about love.
41:18If it were that easy, everyone would have it.
41:35So you're saying I should be more optimistic?
41:39I'm saying you should ask her out.
41:42Oh, all right. Thanks, man.
41:45That was AJ from Ketchikan. Thanks for the call, AJ.
41:48Hold on. You have another caller on line 2 through 20?
41:52We haven't had this many callers since I raffled off my mom's salmon smoker.
41:57Okay.
42:00Let's start with line 2.