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00:00The End
00:30Bye-bye.
01:00Squeeze me, please, lady.
01:07Yes, what is it?
01:08I'm coming here for to be learning the English.
01:11You're early.
01:12Oh, no, I'm Ali.
01:15Don't beg your pardon.
01:16My name is Ali, Ali Nadim.
01:19I'm coming here for to be learning the English.
01:21Ah, yes, yes.
01:22You wish to join our new class, English as a foreign language.
01:25Yes, please.
01:26And I'm hoping to be unrolled.
01:30Hoping to be unrolled.
01:32Like it's saying in your syllabus.
01:35You mean hoping to be enrolled.
01:39That is what I said.
01:40Hoping to be unrolled.
01:42Yes, well, I'm afraid you cannot be unrolled.
01:45Enrolled until the English teacher arrives.
01:48Now, she should be here in a few minutes.
01:50In the meanwhile, perhaps you would care to wait in the classroom.
01:52Go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom, and wait in room five.
01:57Understand?
01:58No.
02:01Well, let's start again.
02:04Go down the corridor.
02:05Down corridor.
02:06Good.
02:07Turn left.
02:08Turn left.
02:09Right.
02:10Right.
02:11But you are confusing me.
02:14Left or right?
02:15It's left.
02:16Left.
02:17Look, you just go down the corridor, turn left, and wait in room five.
02:23Room five.
02:24Ah, now I'm understanding you.
02:27Room five.
02:27Yes.
02:28Jolly good, thank you.
02:33Oh, dear me, I'm not going where I'm looking.
02:36No, no, I wasn't looking where I was going.
02:39That made the two of us.
02:41Excuse me, sorry.
02:45Enter.
02:46Mrs. Courtney.
02:48Miss.
02:48Ah, sorry.
02:50I'm your new teacher, Jeremy Brown, BA, Oxon.
02:53You're a man.
02:54Yes.
02:55Well, this is most unsatisfactory.
02:56This won't do at all.
02:57I assure you my credentials are impeccable.
03:00Academically, perhaps.
03:01I'm talking about sex.
03:03Oh, I also assure you my morals are perfectly respectable, too.
03:07I'm referring to the fact that you are a man.
03:10I distinctly requested the local authority to send me a woman teacher,
03:14especially in view of what happened with Mr. Warburton.
03:17Mr. Warburton?
03:17Yes.
03:18He was teaching English to foreign students last term.
03:22I'm afraid he only lasted a month.
03:24Then he departed.
03:25Dead?
03:26Demented.
03:29Yes, the strain was too much for him.
03:32Typical of the male sex.
03:34No stamina.
03:35Always seemed to be able to cope at first,
03:37and then one day he just snapped.
03:39It was really quite disgusting.
03:40Really?
03:41What did he do?
03:43Climbed out of the classroom window onto the roof,
03:45took off all his clothes and stood there stark naked,
03:47singing,
03:48I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
03:51Very mistress.
03:52Well, there's no need to worry on my account.
03:54I mean, I'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window.
03:56I know you aren't.
03:57Oh, thank you for your confidence.
03:59It has nothing to do with confidence.
04:02We've had the window frames nailed down.
04:05How very thoughtful.
04:07Well, I really would appreciate the job, Mrs. Courtney.
04:09Miss.
04:09Miss Courtney, I am qualified,
04:11and I rather do need a job,
04:12what with the economic situation and inflation.
04:13All right, there's no need to whimper.
04:16You can start immediately.
04:17On a month's trial.
04:19If you last that long.
04:21I'll do my best.
04:23Now, where will I find my students?
04:25Class five, down the corridor in Turnley.
04:27Right.
04:27I'm looking forward to meeting them.
04:29I'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well.
04:31Well, I'm pleased to meet you all.
04:55We are all so pleased to be meeting you.
04:59I am Brown.
05:01Oh, no.
05:05You are committing a mistake.
05:07A mistake?
05:09Yes, please.
05:10You are not Brown.
05:11We are Brown.
05:13You are white.
05:15My name is Brown.
05:17I am your teacher.
05:18Ah, you professori.
05:20Yes.
05:20I am student.
05:22I am student.
05:23What?
05:24Please.
05:25I am student.
05:25Marvulenzio!
05:31Right.
05:31Would you all like to sit down?
05:33Sit down.
05:35I'm awesome.
05:41Right.
05:42I'll just take a note of all your names, nationalities, and occupations.
05:46All right.
05:51Por favor, señor.
05:54Yes?
05:55Es la primera vez que vengo.
05:57Es esta la clase para aprender inglés.
06:00Well, I have the faintest idea of what you're saying, but I'm sure you're not trying to find
06:03the needlework club.
06:05Por favor.
06:06It doesn't matter.
06:07Have a seat.
06:08Por favor.
06:11Sit down.
06:12Ah, si.
06:12No, not there.
06:19No, not there.
06:19Por favor.
06:21There.
06:21Ah, si.
06:22Yeah.
06:24Right.
06:25I'll just go around the class and take your names.
06:28Yes?
06:28Ah, yes.
06:29What is your name?
06:31Maximilion Andrea Archimedes Papandriani.
06:33I think I'll just put you down as Max.
06:39Take it, you're Greek?
06:40He's right.
06:41From Athens.
06:42Good.
06:43And what is your job?
06:45Ah, I walk with sheeps.
06:49You walk with sheeps?
06:51For a shepherd, do you work on a farm?
06:53Ah, no, no, not farm.
06:54But you just said you work with sheep.
06:56No, no, no, no.
06:57Sheeps.
06:58Big sheeps.
07:00Woof!
07:00Woof!
07:01Woof!
07:01Woof!
07:03Sheeps?
07:04Yes, sheeps.
07:06Tonkers.
07:07Woof!
07:10Tonkers?
07:10Tonkers.
07:11Right.
07:12I walk in office.
07:14Good.
07:16And your name?
07:17Anna Schmidt, German au pair.
07:19Ah.
07:20Usual German efficiency?
07:22Germans are always efficient.
07:24Not a...
07:25So.
07:29Japanese.
07:30Much more efficient-o.
07:32Nein.
07:33Germans are the best.
07:35Japanese.
07:35Make a much better.
07:37Taliwajon.
07:38Ando.
07:39Camelos.
07:41No, no, no.
07:42Please.
07:42Let us have no racialism.
07:44In this class, all are equal.
07:48Your name?
07:49Giovanni Cupello.
07:51Italian.
07:53Where do you work?
07:54I work in Ristorante dei Populi.
07:57A waiter?
07:57No, I'm not a waiter.
07:59A cucuda.
08:03Cucuda.
08:04Cucuda.
08:04Si, a cucuda ravioli, a cucuda spaghetti, a cucuda lasagna, a cucuda everything.
08:10A chef.
08:14Okay.
08:18And your name?
08:19Andi?
08:20What is your name?
08:23Kya kaha?
08:23Me, Jeremy Brown.
08:27You.
08:29Patanji.
08:29Kya kaya yo?
08:33Max.
08:34Anna Schmidt.
08:36Giovanni Cupello.
08:38You.
08:38Oh, ho.
08:43Aap naam puch rahe ho.
08:44Achcha, mein likh detti ho.
08:46Likhti ho.
08:47Eik minit fiter na karoji.
08:48Likhna pard nah.
08:49Time di.
08:49I'm not a little bit.
08:51Very good.
08:52Handi?
08:53Oh, yeah.
08:55Achcha.
08:56Yes, yes.
08:57Write your name down.
08:58Good, good.
09:01Here.
09:01Here.
09:08It's no good.
09:16I need your name in English.
09:19No Urdu?
09:20No Urdu.
09:22Khae to me yaan khae ke liya ingrezi ati ho.
09:24Toi to me.
09:25Toi to sikhnye ati ingrezi ko.
09:27Aapko kya chahiye.
09:28Aap muje patani kaha se laun.
09:29Aapko kya chahiye.
09:30Aapko kya chahiye.
09:31Aapko kya chahiye.
09:32Dekho ji.
09:32Sahi likha hohe hoega.
09:33Aapko kya chahiye.
09:34Yeh to nai kahi kaha ghaaz joa apko chahiye.
09:37Ah, certificate of registration.
09:39Jamila Ranjah, housewife.
09:43Good.
09:46And your name?
09:48I am Ali Nadim.
09:50From Lahore.
09:52I'm working at the moment.
09:54Not anywhere at all.
10:01You're unemployed?
10:02Yes, please.
10:04Only one day a week I'm working.
10:07What do you do then?
10:08I'm going to the unemployment exchange.
10:11For to be collecting my money.
10:14Oh blimey.
10:15I get more money for not being working than when I'm working.
10:21Yes, but before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?
10:25Blimey.
10:26I worked.
10:27At the Thali Mahal.
10:29In Delhi?
10:30Oh, no.
10:30Oh, no.
10:31Patini.
10:31No!
10:32Thali Mahal can be the restaurants.
10:34Jalikut, chapati and popadams.
10:38A thousand apologies for my lateness.
10:41The omnibus was going backwards.
10:42I'm sure there must be a more logical explanation.
10:47It is the absolute truth.
10:49I was told to be taking a number 27 omnibus and I complied.
10:54But it went in a backward direction.
10:57No, I think you meant it was going the other way.
10:59That is the gist of what I'm saying.
11:01A thousand apologies.
11:03Sorry.
11:03Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman.
11:06I cannot sit there.
11:07It's impossible.
11:08Why is it impossible?
11:09I'm sick.
11:11Oh, dear.
11:14I hope it's not contagious.
11:15Perhaps you ought to come back when you're better.
11:17I do not comprehend the gist of your conversation.
11:20You said you were sick.
11:21No, no, no, no, no.
11:23I am not referring to my physical state of mind.
11:27My religion is sick.
11:29And he is Muslim.
11:31Islam is the only true fate.
11:34And Muslim follow a false prophet?
11:36How dare he be speaking of God's holy messenger, you damn fool?
11:40Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels.
11:42Sikhs are peace-loving people.
11:44And if you are not careful,
11:46I will have much pleasure in dispatching you to your holy messenger with this.
11:52I will not tolerate any religious intolerance.
11:54Now put that knife away.
11:56He called me an infidel.
11:57Well, he didn't mean it.
11:58Did you?
11:58Most definitely.
12:00But you are by the five rivers of Punjab
12:04to slice your throat from there to there.
12:07Oh, ear to ear.
12:09Here to there.
12:10Oh, there to here.
12:12Yes, yes.
12:12There will be no throat slicing in my class.
12:15If you want to do that sort of thing, you should have joined the sports and pastimes.
12:19Put your knife away and be a good chap and go and sit down.
12:22How do you feel about Roman Catholics?
12:23Oh, I treat them like my brothers.
12:26Good.
12:26Well, you can go and sit next to Giovanni.
12:28But be it.
12:29Infidel.
12:29Gentlemen, please.
12:31You are here to learn English.
12:32Not start a holy war.
12:34And what is your name?
12:36Ranjit Singh.
12:38And you're from which country?
12:39Punjab.
12:41And what is your job?
12:43I am a very important member of the British underground.
12:47Underground what?
12:50Just the underground.
12:52Mind the dog!
12:53Oh, that under there.
12:59And your name?
13:01Harold Nagasumi.
13:07My name, Cardiff.
13:10Japanese.
13:11Representative of Bushida Electronics.
13:16Very good.
13:17Very good.
13:18And finally, your name.
13:20Por favor.
13:21Your name.
13:23What is your name?
13:24Por favor.
13:25Nome.
13:26Ah, nombre, sÃ.
13:28Juan Fervantes para servirle, señor.
13:32No need to ask what nationality you are.
13:34Por favor.
13:35Spanish.
13:37Por favor.
13:38What is your job?
13:40Por favor.
13:43Trabajo.
13:44Ah, trabajo, sÃ.
13:46Trilaga.
13:47Trilaga?
13:49Trilaga?
13:49What, you lag trees?
13:52Wargintonic.
13:53Two whisky coca.
13:54Trilaga.
13:57Trilaga.
13:58SÃ.
13:59Ah, you're working a bar.
14:00SÃ, sÃ, bar, bar.
14:01Well, Mr. Brown?
14:02Yes, thank you.
14:03Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot, I seem to be coping reasonably well.
14:08Well, what I really came to inform you about was the registration fees for the students.
14:12Ah.
14:12Now, it's five pounds per head, and I should be grateful if you would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break.
14:17Right, I'll do that.
14:18Well, we have one thing to be grateful for, anyway.
14:21Sex won't be railing its ugly little head.
14:24I beg your pardon?
14:25Well, in my experience, it isn't race or religion that causes the problems.
14:29It's usually the presence of some foreign beauty.
14:32Jealousies, intrigues, all that sort of thing.
14:35Yes, well, looking at my class, I don't think we'd be too bothered with anything like that.
14:42I come to learn English.
14:52Have I come to the right place?
15:07Enter.
15:09Mrs. Courtney.
15:10Miss.
15:10Miss.
15:11Miss.
15:11Miss.
15:12I've just brought the registration fees for the students.
15:14Ah, good.
15:14Now, how many students have you?
15:16Nine.
15:16So there should be 45 pounds in there.
15:19Well, that all depends upon the rate of exchange.
15:21I don't quite know.
15:24Not all of them had five pounds in English money, so I collected 29 pounds 50 in sterling,
15:28and the rest is made up of 2,000 yen, 3,000 lira, 250 pesetas, 75 drachma, 50 francs, and 12 Deutschmarks.
15:36According to this morning's financial papers, that should give us a profit of one pound 42 and a half P.
15:40Then I suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it to English currency.
15:46Right.
15:46I'll do that.
15:47Oh, by the way, how's the femme fatale?
15:49Ah, yes, Danielle.
15:51Well, at the moment she's in the tea room with Italy, Spain and Greece trying to establish diplomatic relations.
15:55Well, I hope she's not going to cause any bother.
15:58Oh, no, I'm sure she won't.
16:00Look, I'm going to sit here.
16:01No, it's me who's going to be sitting here.
16:04Before you, we'll sit over there.
16:06And before you, we'll sit over there.
16:08You take it to me.
16:10Who, me?
16:11You go back, sit where you were before.
16:12No, I sit here.
16:13You're not sitting here.
16:14Ha!
16:14Who's going to be stopping me?
16:16Me.
16:19Yourself.
16:20You think you're tough?
16:22Come out of sight.
16:25Okay.
16:27Where are you going?
16:28We go outside to have a punch down.
16:30You mean a punch down?
16:31I'm going to, uh, how you say, uh, knock his bloody block off.
16:36We say who's bloody blocker is a knockered off.
16:40Oh, just a minute.
16:41What is all this about?
16:42I tell you, Mr. White.
16:43Brown.
16:44Oh, no, excuse me.
16:46It's about where we sit.
16:47Well, what's wrong with where you were sitting before?
16:49It's my eyes, professore.
16:52I've got to sit near the front.
16:55Here.
16:57Oh, I see.
16:58And I suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here, too.
17:01She is?
17:06I never noticed.
17:09You see, it's my eyes.
17:10I'm a little short-sighted.
17:13And also a much bigger liar.
17:15It's not true, Mr. Green.
17:16The name is Brown.
17:18You see, I'm a colour blind as well.
17:23And, Max, I suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well, have you?
17:26Oh, no, no, no.
17:27My eyes, uh, okay.
17:28It's my ears.
17:29I am not hearing very well.
17:32That's a likely story.
17:34What you say?
17:36I say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before.
17:39Now.
17:40Santa Maria.
17:41I hope you don't think I was, uh, how you say, too forward?
17:52No, no, I'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all.
17:58Teacher, please.
18:02Mr. Blown?
18:03Yes?
18:03Please forgive my rapeness.
18:06I apologise, but I lost my way.
18:09Not to worry.
18:10What is your name?
18:11Chung Suli.
18:12Chung Suli.
18:14And where are you from?
18:15Democratic Repubric of China.
18:18And what is your job?
18:20Secretarily.
18:21Chinese diplomat.
18:23Very nice.
18:25Right.
18:25Where shall we put you?
18:27Uh, Taro?
18:27So, how are relations between Japan and China?
18:35Depends on a political viewpoint.
18:40Japan, light-wing-go.
18:45China, right-to-wing-go.
18:49I see.
18:51Are you light-wing-go or left-wing-go?
18:52Right-to-wing-go.
18:54I follow teaching of Chairman Mao.
18:56Ah, well, in that case, you'd better sit next to Jamila, the Indian lady.
18:59All right?
19:00Right.
19:01Now, we will start by learning a few basic English verbs.
19:05And firstly, we will take the verb to be.
19:08To be.
19:09To be.
19:10To be.
19:11To be.
19:12To be.
19:13I am English.
19:15You are Chinese.
19:18He is Italian.
19:20She is French.
19:22He is barbarian.
19:26You are asking for a kick up your big brown backside.
19:29Now, look.
19:30Pay attention, please.
19:32I am.
19:33I am.
19:35You are.
19:36You are.
19:37He, she, or it is.
19:39He, she, or it is.
19:44We are.
19:45We are.
19:46You are.
19:47You are.
19:48You are.
19:48They are.
19:49They are.
19:50They are.
19:51All right.
19:52To be.
19:52To be.
19:53I shall now go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be.
20:00To be.
20:01To be.
20:01You are.
20:02Tiny.
20:02To be.
20:02Theç”案.
20:06I am all very happy to be learning go English very good good Giovanni he is he
20:25is it a fool but not is it he is a fool yes he is a fool
20:35she is she is beautiful she is wonderful she is yes yes thank you much one it is
20:54for favor it is for favor it is raining you're viendo it is raining
21:07we'll skip you for the moment for favor oh it doesn't matter sit down
21:24surely it is it is duty of every citizen
21:31so say chairman mouth yes well that's his opinion good Danielle we are we are lucky
21:46lucky to have such words
21:53quiet please Rachel I mean thank you
21:58Ali you are you are you are waiting for me to speak an answer
22:12well done unfortunately I am not understanding the question I want you to
22:21give me a sentence using you are I am no not I am you are for example you are from
22:29Pakistan I am from Pakistan good yes but now use you are but I cannot say you are
22:36from Pakistan because you are not are you repeat after me you are English no no I am from Pakistan
22:45what am I you are confusing me you are stupid boof
22:52don't you carry me a boof
22:54boof
22:55I am training
22:56sit down
23:01sit down please
23:05right
23:06and there is really not much more we can do until you all get the text books I was telling
23:15you about what I would like you to do is some homework alright I want you to write me an essay
23:19a short story about your life here in England the things you do and the things you like
23:25and I'll see you all on Wednesday
23:32ah Mrs. Faulkner
23:34miss
23:35miss
23:36well I've just dismissed the class for the night I think we've just about covered all there is to for the first session
23:40you look a trifle under the weather
23:42job getting you down already
23:44no no I'm fine never felt better
23:46please just one thing though
23:47yes
23:48that window you nailed down the one Mr. Warburton climbed out of
23:51what about it
23:52we ought to put a few more nails in just to be on the safe side
24:22bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah