Since S&P Downgraded Warner Bros. Discovery's Credit Rating To Junk Status

Cracked

If HBO Max Were Honest #shorts #hbomax #hbo #davidzaslav #parody #youtubeshorts

Transcript

00:00I'm the head of marketing for HBO.

00:01Uh, I mean Max.

00:04I mean, fuck!

00:05Hi, I'm the head of marketing for HBO Max.

00:08In 2023, we rebranded after our marketing intern accidentally deleted half of our logo

00:13during a manic episode.

00:14It happens.

00:15But now we're hitting control Z.

00:16Max is once again, HBO Max.

00:19It's a move that subscribers and shareholders called stupid and bad.

00:23And to that we say, haven't you ever tried bangs?

00:25Well, think of Max as our bangs.

00:26Bangs that we've had for a year and a half out of pure stubbornness.

00:29Because the truth is, we knew that Max was a mistake almost instantly.

00:33Internal polling found the name was only the 36th most favorable option,

00:37just below piss and just above holocaust.

00:39And trust me, I wish we could stop rebranding too.

00:42I mean, we're going back and forth more than my mistress outside of a planned parenthood.

00:45And it's like, hey, just make a decision so I can react properly.

00:49But the fact of the matter is that it was time for a change.

00:53We've added a larger global audience as well as 22 million subscribers over the past year.

00:57We were doing that under the name Max.

00:59That's not a streamer name.

01:00That's the name of a kid who eats sand.

01:02Our executives also keep stating this move is to amplify the uniqueness of our larger brand.

01:07And nothing is more unique than not knowing who the fuck we are.

01:10We're basing this off of consumer insights that we've been gathering for the past year and a half.

01:14Insights such as, stop changing your name.

01:16And whatever your app is called, the user face is trash anyway.

01:20At the end of the day, this is all a byproduct of the streaming age.

01:23Consumers don't want shows to be prestige or good.

01:26They want their slop.

01:27And they want that slop unchanged but repackaged a million different ways so they think it's changed.

01:32And that's what this name change reflects.

01:34Which is why we're excited to announce our newest tagline as well.

01:37HBO Max.

01:38This where the slop go.

01:40While we're here, please stand by for our exciting pride announcement as we rebrand to gay.

01:45June only though.

01:45Otherwise, it's just a lot.

01:48Okay.

01:48But above all else, we're so excited to put this final rebrand behind us so we can get back to what we do best.

01:54Showing you just an absolutely tasteful amount of penis.

01:57Because whether your programming takes you to a five-star hotel in Thailand or to a church down south, we're going to show you that dick.

02:03Oh, and one final thing.

02:05Please stop doxing me or the judge is going to give my wife full custody of the kids.

02:10Okay.

02:11Thanks, everyone.

02:12Go with Christ.

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