00:00So in today's video, we are going to talk about what happens when you stop talking to a fearful
00:05avoidant. We'll cover particularly after a breakup, but we'll also talk about this in the context of
00:11friends, family relationships. So first and foremost, if you're not familiar with fearful
00:15avoidant attachment style, it's one of four attachment styles or love styles. And you can
00:19think of your attachment style as essentially being the subconscious set of rules you have
00:23about how to give and receive love with others. Fearful avoidants are also sometimes referred to
00:27as disorganized attachment styles or anxious avoidant attachment styles, but we really call
00:32them fearful avoidants the most on this channel. And they essentially have, you know, every person
00:37has an attachment style, by the way, but the fearful avoidant has this sort of capacity to be both hot
00:41and cold, both anxious and avoidant. They, they, you know, want closeness, but then when people get
00:46too close, they're like, get back. So they're in this constant push pull within the relationship to
00:51themselves, which obviously translates into the relationships with others. So after a breakup,
00:56this sort of hot and cold attachment style usually goes through some really interesting
01:01things. The first thing we'll often see for fearful avoidant attachment styles is that after a breakup,
01:07they become more avoidant. So after a breakup initially happens, they usually cope by pushing
01:13people away. This is a really interesting dynamic of fearful avoidant attachment style as a whole,
01:18which is that fearful avoidance with small things, like small things that are bothering them,
01:23will try to soothe through others. So things where like they're in an argument with a coworker
01:27or they're frustrated with their boss at work, they'll often become more in their anxious side
01:32and try to soothe through others around those things. Not always, but oftentimes,
01:35but with the really big things, the really, really painful things, a really bad breakup,
01:42a big betrayal, a lot of fear about something, usually with those things that are kind of clocking
01:47like a nine or 10 out of 10 on the emotional intensity scale, I'll see the fearful avoidant
01:53become very avoidant, really go into their much more avoidant side, clam up, shut down, push people
01:59away, become ice cold. And so, you know, if the breakup is something that's happening where
02:04you've been dating somebody for, you know, a week or two, and it's sort of like an ending the
02:09chatting situation you have going on, then we might see the fearful avoidant lean in more anxious,
02:14but generally with like an actual breakup, if there's a lot of care in the relationship,
02:18if there's decent relationship history, the first thing of three or four major things we'll see here
02:24is that the fearful avoidant will become extra avoidant. And the fearful avoidant in this space
02:29may rationalize quite well to themselves, like, okay, this is over. I'm fine. It's not a big deal for
02:37me. I'm more free. And fearful avoidance in this case, they also tend to repress their emotions.
02:42So when they go kind of more cold, and they go more into their avoidant side,
02:45they may rely heavily on creature comforts, they may go out and drink more, they may smoke, they may,
02:51you know, really avoid, you know, binge watch television, sort of detach from the external
02:57world and really rely on their creature comforts to soothe when they're in that really avoidant side.
03:01And that's the second major thing that we'll see here, they kind of go more avoidant than they go
03:05into their creature comforts. Now, eventually, if you completely stop talking to the fearful avoidant,
03:11and they go, you go no contact with them, eventually, they have a difficult time sort
03:17of rationalizing that, okay, I don't miss the person at all. I'm not impacted by the situation
03:22at all. I don't care. These sorts of things that they'll tell themselves really as a mechanism to
03:28soothe, right, really as a mechanism to try to, like, make themselves feel okay about a situation
03:32that feels really uncomfortable. And so, you know, if you are the fearful avoidant listening to this
03:37too, by the way, it's beneficial to recognize yourself in these patterns so that you can then
03:42soothe in a healthier way, which will also help you heal faster through anything that you're going
03:47through. So in a romantic relationship, friendship, these types of things, a breakup, going no contact
03:52with a family member will often see, again, the same patterns follow suit, like go really into the
03:57avoidant side and then start relying on their creature comforts. Now, the third thing that then
04:02happens in all of these different dynamics is then eventually enough time passes where number one,
04:09they can't rationalize forever. And so they start sort of, and number two, they have a hard time,
04:17like not repressing their feelings. So I'm still on number three in total, but it's like three A and
04:21three B. So they have a hard time not repressing their feelings for that long. So eventually they'll
04:26start to kind of feel their feelings a little bit, and then they will get into their feelings and
04:30they'll start to kind of recognize that they do miss somebody. And this brings us to number four,
04:35where they may even move to their anxious side. They may do things to reach out indirectly to a
04:39person, like something that they post on social media, send something that's, you know, an old
04:45memory or a picture, call somebody and say they butt dialed them. Like, you know, we'll see these types
04:51of dynamics with a fearful woman will go into their anxious side, but they'll still, it's like their
04:55anxious side passing through the fact that they still have an avoidance side as well.
05:00And they don't want to be too vulnerable. They don't want to open up too much. And so when you
05:04stop talking to them, they'll ultimately, ultimately move into that anxious side, but usually it takes
05:08about, you know, three to six weeks we're generally seeing in a romantic relationship, but the same
05:14types of things apply like post, um, friendship breakup, um, post, you know, uh, family members going
05:21no contact with one another will tend to see these sorts of dynamics. And from there, then we have
05:27like this sort of different path that opens up is eventually when we see the, the fearful
05:32avoidant go into a space of becoming, um, anxious, either they will reach out indirectly. And if they
05:40feel rejected, when they reach out, they'll return to their avoidance side. So if they do reach out to
05:46you and you don't answer their call or you don't text them back, they will become very avoidant and
05:51back into that really cool side. Or, um, if you do connect, they may become more anxiously attached
05:58and sort of leaning into their anxious side and start to sort of pick up steam in the connection.
06:02But if you move too fast to getting things back on track to the way that they were,
06:06the fearful avoidant will shut back down again. So we talk a lot about like kind of this Goldilocks,
06:10like this middle zone that you want to stay in where if you are reconnecting and potentially
06:16rekindling with a fearful avoidant, you don't want to go too much too soon. And if you are the
06:20fearful avoidant thinking of rekindling, you don't want to do that to yourself either. You want to
06:24take the time to vet somebody to make sure you're not repeating the same old patterns or just jumping
06:28back into the same type of relationship from the get go. So by vetting somebody and taking your time
06:33over the next four to six weeks to have different discussions about what wasn't working, what you
06:38can do better, what boundaries you need to have, what core wounds you each need to be accountable
06:43of on your side of the relationship, you actually empower yourself to get back on track in a more
06:47effective manner. And that will be really important for the relationship to actually work, whether it's
06:51a friendship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship. But you also want to make sure if
06:57you're the loved one of a fearful avoidant, you're not pressuring them too much to move too quickly,
07:01or they will go back to that avoidance side because they'll fear things being repeated.
07:05And then you'll see that whole cycle kind of rehash from this. So I hope this gave you a lot of
07:09insight into what happened when you stop talking to a fearful avoidant. If you want to do that deeper dive
07:14into healing from a breakup, moving through some of the different pain points and challenges,
07:18it can be very beneficial to even prepare you for maybe getting back into the relationship because
07:23you're not grieving and making decisions from that really emotionally based place, but more from a
07:28more balanced emotional place as well. So that's it for today. Let me know questions you have down
07:33below, comments, more content you want to see like this. Let me know. Thank you so much for watching.
07:38And I look forward to seeing you in the future videos. And I hope you become a subscriber to this
07:42channel and join our community. Thank you.
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