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00:00.
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00:10.
00:12.
00:14.
00:16.
00:18.
00:20.
00:22.
00:24.
00:34Now, don't look furtive.
00:36You could be on candid camera.
00:38Jeremy Beadle could be behind a tree, shopping you to seven million neighbors.
00:46.
00:58This month's special offer?
01:00Secondhand money.
01:02.
01:04Careless owner?
01:06Satisfaction guaranteed.
01:10Or else it's part of Mrs Thatcher's litter campaign.
01:14Put it back and she'll attack you with a bin bag.
01:24This is what it's like to earn your living as a stockbroker.
01:28Don't fancy it much though.
01:30All that bending down.
01:32.
01:34Oh dear, just the one wallet today.
01:36.
01:38.
01:42.
01:52.
01:54What'll it be?
01:56A small medicinal whiskey, I think.
01:58.
01:59.
02:00.
02:01.
02:02.
02:03.
02:04.
02:14.
02:15.
02:16.
02:17.
02:18.
02:19.
02:20.
02:21.
02:22.
02:23.
02:24.
02:25Of course you did, sir.
02:28No, really.
02:29It was lying on the pavement.
02:31What, next to a dead body?
02:34Don't you worry, sir.
02:35The first rule of a good barman is
02:37see no hanky-panky, hear no hanky-panky,
02:40speak no hanky-panky.
02:42Look, I was an innocent passer-by
02:44accosted by a large wad of money.
02:47I am about to take it down the police station.
02:49I think perhaps you should have a couple of doubles.
02:52Well, I'll have a bottle of lager.
02:53Hello, shall I?
02:55Well, well, well, you're not late.
02:56Whatever happened?
02:58No married women rush out of their houses,
03:01drag you into their bedroom?
03:02No, I came through the park.
03:04Well, thanks.
03:06What was that about a police station?
03:08Oh, I found a wallet outside in the street
03:11stuffed full of notes,
03:12some of them in colours I've never seen before.
03:15No sign of a name.
03:17And so you're going on a world cruise
03:19and you want to take a policewoman with you?
03:22Very witty.
03:22Handing in lost property
03:24is an old English custom.
03:26Goes back centuries
03:27to Magna Carta
03:28and Dixon of Doc Green.
03:30Come on, you're not really handed it in.
03:32Yes.
03:33I thought you were supposed to be anti-establishment.
03:36I shan't compromise myself.
03:39I shall shout death to pigs
03:41and spray fascist bastards
03:43all over their lost property book.
03:44I'm not going soft.
03:46Yeah, except in the head, maybe.
03:48Come on, you're out of touch.
03:49I've read the English newspapers.
03:50You find a lost wallet today,
03:52you qualify for an enterprise allowance scheme
03:54and the government matches it pound for pound.
03:56Oh, well, formative influences die hard.
03:59I was in the wolf cubs for nearly three days.
04:02You are not going to keep it?
04:06Well, that sort of Puritanism's all very well,
04:08but if you look at the whole question of property
04:11from a philosophical point of view...
04:13A philosophical point of view?
04:14You?
04:15The only interest you've ever shown in philosophy
04:17was when you heard
04:18Bertrand Russell's wife was a bit of a goer.
04:23And one of the philosophical concepts
04:25that's always interested me
04:26is the view that all property is theft.
04:29That's not a philosophy.
04:30That's a quote from the Cray Twins.
04:33Excuse me.
04:34Hear your fence.
04:35No, he's not.
04:37Sorry.
04:38All right, all right.
04:39Forget philosophy.
04:40But maybe you ought to consider
04:41why it was you who found out money.
04:43Maybe you ought to look upon it
04:44as sort of a sign from on high.
04:46Oh, really?
04:47So you think perhaps
04:48the Bishop of Durham
04:49has asked God
04:50to reduce per capita income
04:52differentials in the inner city
04:53and I'm his chosen instrument?
04:55What would this be?
04:57Divine redistribution?
05:00Listen,
05:01if I was the Almighty
05:02with a left wing bent,
05:04I wouldn't muck around with wallets.
05:06I'd just zap
05:07every new Porsche
05:08with a thunderbolt.
05:10Put the fear of God up
05:12their transmissions
05:13much more fun.
05:14All right, all right.
05:15Forget religion and philosophy.
05:17Let's be realistic.
05:19You mean pragmatic.
05:20All right, let's be pragmatic.
05:21You mean dishonest.
05:23Look, anyone walking around
05:24with that much of dough on them
05:25isn't going to miss it.
05:27They most likely threw it away
05:28as a tax loss.
05:30It's probably just a day's petrol money
05:32for some guy's GTI.
05:34It's 20 years bus fare for you.
05:36Think what we...
05:37Think what you could do with it.
05:39Ah, but would I sleep nights?
05:41Well, you don't know.
05:42Worrying about your cash flow.
05:44True.
05:46Think of it as a welfare payment
05:47without any forms.
05:49Yeah, you get a few life's luxuries.
05:51A few treats.
05:53Join a smart set.
05:55You could buy some designer underwear.
05:57Oh, yes, I can see your priorities.
05:59Still hoping to get knocked down
06:01by a woman lorry driver.
06:03All right, I admit,
06:04the money's a tempting thought,
06:06but as they say, England expects.
06:08America wouldn't.
06:09Ah, America.
06:10The only country in the world
06:11where greed is a constitutional right.
06:15Over here, Phil,
06:16there are people left
06:18who realise ethics
06:19isn't just a flat piece of land
06:21next to Thuffuk.
06:24What?
06:25You're going to the police now?
06:27Well, how else do you suggest
06:28finding the owner?
06:29Skywriting?
06:30Well, I don't know.
06:31The wallet was outside.
06:33I guess you could ask here.
06:35I suppose so.
06:35Might save a journey.
06:38Excuse me.
06:39Excuse me.
06:40Can I have your attention?
06:43Ah, has anyone here lost a wallet?
06:55I know they say virtue is its own reward,
06:59but I think derisive laughter
07:01is a little excessive.
07:03Not that I want recognition,
07:05though a little blue plaque might be nice.
07:09James Shelley, famous returner of wallets,
07:12drank here.
07:14Hung next to a shabby little sign saying,
07:16Phil X, unknown American,
07:19lowered the tone here.
07:20I mean, Phil has to be wrong,
07:26hasn't he?
07:30Okay, there are one or two grey areas.
07:32If the minister of social security
07:36were to drop his entire worldly goods on the deck,
07:39he wouldn't get him back from me
07:40this side of the next ice age.
07:42Great chance to look under that.
07:45Or indeed any of the cabinet.
07:48Well, perhaps several grey areas.
07:50Could you wait your turn, please, sir?
08:05Oh, I only want a hand in a wallet.
08:07That's as may be, sir.
08:08If you'd just like to wait till your turn.
08:09But it's only lost property.
08:11There's no need to call special branch.
08:13Exactly, sir.
08:14Only lost property.
08:15We get a skip full every day.
08:16It's hardly a life-and-death emergency.
08:18And there is a queue.
08:20Er, I think it might be an unexploded wallet.
08:23I can hear something ticking.
08:24Well, perhaps you'd get blown to the top of the queue.
08:27Now, if he'd just like to wait your turn.
08:30Not been transferred from the DSS, have you?
08:35They're only interested if you bring in a dead body.
08:40Flashing blue lights and the sirens,
08:42that's what they join for, not lost property.
08:44They get wind of an armed robbery,
08:46the closed sign will be up, they'll be off
08:47before you can say Hill Street Blues.
08:49You mark my words.
08:51Been here long?
08:52He's lost track of time.
08:54I've lost track of time.
08:57I would dial 999,
08:58but I expect I'd get an answer phone message
09:00advising me to take up karate.
09:03It's all about manpower efficiency these days.
09:06I reckon if you asked them the way,
09:08they'd charge you with wasting police time.
09:11Serious crime, is it yours?
09:12He's had his car stolen.
09:15I've had me car stolen.
09:17Be hundreds of miles away by now.
09:19Not if they use the M25, it won't.
09:24Petty crime, they're not interested anymore.
09:27Your new recruit,
09:28he doesn't go to police training college now, you know.
09:30He gets sent to Saatchi and Saatchi.
09:33Learns how to apologise nicely and give you a leaflet.
09:36Oh, they're good, those leaflets.
09:37They stop my windows rattling.
09:39Next.
09:41At last.
09:42I won't warn you again.
09:43Wait your turn.
09:44Oh, come on.
09:45Who do you think you are?
09:46Robocop?
09:48This won't take a minute.
09:49It will if I do you for breach of the peace.
09:51Breach of the peace?
09:52See, I told you.
09:54Look, I'll give you a pound
09:56to take the bloody wallet off my hand.
09:58And for bribery.
10:00And shut up.
10:02What if I threw in a severed torso?
10:04How about your own?
10:06I'm a ratepayer.
10:08Well, almost.
10:10I'll take the wallet off you for a quid.
10:13I'll take the money off my hand.
10:42And as for you,
10:45you can count yourself lucky
10:47you've not been gutted
10:48and shoved down the back of a lavatory system.
10:52Well, Watson,
10:54let's see what we can learn from the contents.
10:57The wallet is clearly pigskin.
11:00No sign of the pig's name, though.
11:02Ah, a stamp collector.
11:05Mainly first class
11:06and an opera ticket.
11:09The classic clue.
11:11Leading to a dramatic meeting
11:12in the dress circle.
11:14Pity it was for last night's performance.
11:17Oh, and, uh...
11:18A packet of...
11:21Ah.
11:23Yes, well, they may be deluxe,
11:25but I don't think I'll try and check out who they fit.
11:29And, uh...
11:30A Greek restaurant bill for...
11:33Oh, they saw him coming.
11:34So, what have we got?
11:39A letter-writing,
11:40opera-loving,
11:41over-sex,
11:42gullible kebab-eater.
11:45It doesn't ring a bell.
11:49Sounds like a rather unpleasant type to me.
11:52A nasty little bourgeois man on the make.
11:55Quite probably a slum landlord
11:58who abuses women,
12:01ill-treats animals,
12:02illegally dumps toxic waste.
12:05In short,
12:06the sort society ought to teach a lesson to
12:08by maybe keeping his wallet.
12:12So he'd never miss a wallet or two.
12:18Who is it?
12:19It's me.
12:19Fred.
12:21Ah.
12:25Come in.
12:26No, James.
12:28Carol asked me to pop in and see about the...
12:30Gosh.
12:31So that's what cash looks like.
12:32You know what?
12:33When did you get it?
12:34It doesn't occur to you
12:35it might be by the sweat of my brow
12:37the result of honest toil.
12:40Uh, well, um...
12:42Yeah, okay, Graham.
12:42Don't bust a gut.
12:44I found it.
12:46On a pavement.
12:48What?
12:49Dropped.
12:50Well, if it was growing there
12:51at a waterfront...
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53How much is there?
12:55I don't know.
12:56I haven't counted it.
12:57You haven't counted it?
12:58Graham, it is possible
12:59to come into contact with money
13:01and not count it.
13:02Doesn't mean one's entire
13:04mental circuitry has failed.
13:06Sometimes I don't count my money for weeks.
13:08Yes, but sometimes
13:09you don't have any for weeks.
13:10Thank you, Graham.
13:12Anyway, what did Carol send you in for?
13:14Oh, um, the rent.
13:17Would you like me to count it?
13:19Won't ever excite you, will it?
13:21Get the old heart RPMs
13:22into the red zone.
13:24Only I've read what the feel of money
13:26does to you financiers.
13:28Which pavement was it on?
13:30Near a pub.
13:31And no, there aren't regular deliveries of check.
13:35Would you like me to come with you
13:36to the police station?
13:37I've always fancied being a bodyguard.
13:39What, in case I get attacked
13:40by nine stone weaklings?
13:42No, no need.
13:43You sure?
13:45Well, um, actually,
13:46I've been to the police station already.
13:47Oh, I see.
13:50No, I don't.
13:51There was a queue.
13:52Oh.
13:54Well done, Graham.
13:55I normally have to use a half Nelson
13:57and a set of electrodes
13:58just to get small change out of him.
14:00185, 190...
14:02And I always thought
14:03you were allergic to money.
14:06Where did you get it?
14:07You found it on a pavement.
14:08Any witnesses?
14:10I don't believe this is like
14:12the Winslow boy all over again.
14:14Look, I found it, all right?
14:15Just like pennies from heaven.
14:17Except when God asked
14:19how I'd like it,
14:19I said in fives, tens, fifties.
14:23200 smackeroonies.
14:24Oh, I do love to hear
14:25that smart city talk.
14:28And where did those things come from?
14:31Ah, well, you see,
14:32when I hold up
14:33passers-by at Pistol Point,
14:36I always shout,
14:37your opera tickets
14:37and your condoms
14:38or your life.
14:42Well, I hope you're not going
14:43to adopt that tone
14:44with the police.
14:45Chance would be a fine thing.
14:47He's been to the police already.
14:49There was a queue.
14:52And you gave up?
14:53How big was this queue?
14:56Oh.
14:59So, you've got
15:00an empty diary this year.
15:02Anyway, there are queues
15:03that long at the supermarket
15:04and I've never noticed
15:05you coming back
15:05without any food.
15:06I always hijack
15:07old ladies' trolleys
15:08in the car park.
15:10Nothing sacred to you, is it?
15:13Not even property.
15:14Oh, sorry, I forgot.
15:15It's not a trolley to you, is it?
15:16It's a mobile starter home
15:18with potential.
15:21I was talking
15:22about the money.
15:24You were glad enough
15:25when someone brought back
15:25your life savings
15:26of £3.50.
15:29Civilised society
15:30operates on trust, James.
15:32Oh, another one
15:33with the collected works
15:34of the Reader's Digest
15:35in their toilet.
15:37Where was that from?
15:38101 useful moral sayings
15:41for busy people.
15:42I can tell right from wrong
15:44without going to the toilet.
15:48I was brought up
15:49to believe in decency
15:50and honesty
15:51and I speak...
15:52As an estate agent.
15:55Someone could be worrying
15:56about that money.
15:57Well, I've had
15:58a sleepless afternoon
15:59as well.
15:59Lost property's
16:00a trickier subject
16:01than first meets the eye.
16:03It's like riding shotgun
16:04for Wells Fargo.
16:06This belongs to someone.
16:08Yes, it could belong
16:09to some little old lady.
16:10What, like the Queen Mother,
16:11you mean?
16:12Just popped out
16:12to pick up the civil list?
16:14Oh, I understand now.
16:17No, you don't.
16:17It's envy.
16:19You want the owner
16:20to have to pass
16:21a means test
16:21set by Robin Hood
16:22of Wandsworth.
16:24And if it turns out
16:25to be anyone richer
16:26than you,
16:26they don't get it back.
16:27Well, that should cover
16:29just about everybody.
16:30Oh, yes.
16:30And suppose I were
16:33to keep it.
16:34Well, you'd never
16:36be let in our flat again.
16:38I believe people
16:39should have respect
16:40for property.
16:41Well, salute it,
16:42you mean, kneel down
16:42in front of three-piece
16:43sweets, that sort of thing?
16:45I don't find that funny.
16:47I know.
16:48I expect you think
16:49that property
16:50should come under
16:51the blasphemy laws.
16:52Tell me,
16:53who elected you,
16:54Mrs Morrill Majority, 1989?
16:56I beg your pardon?
16:58Because if you want
16:58to know something,
16:59I wanted to make
17:00really big money
17:01as a crook.
17:02I wouldn't use
17:02a gun or a cosh.
17:04I'd just hit people
17:05over the head
17:05with an estate agent.
17:08I'll take them
17:08down a dark alley
17:09with a commodity
17:10speculator.
17:11You!
17:12You could run
17:13a summer school
17:13for the Mafia
17:14on how to make things
17:15go gazump in the night,
17:16so don't lecture me,
17:17OK?
17:18Right.
17:20I've heard enough.
17:21We're leaving.
17:22And I'll take
17:23the rent money now.
17:25Of course.
17:26Help yourself.
17:27This is all I've got.
17:28This is all you've got.
17:39Lucky I'm here,
17:40or there could have
17:41been a serious crime.
17:51It's short.
17:52come along,
18:00Graham.
18:06Now,
18:07this is all I've got.
18:12You'd like living with me.
18:14I'd make a good owner.
18:16better than that bastard
18:18who had you before
18:19dropped you in the dirt.
18:23We could visit
18:24some really fantastic places
18:26together,
18:27you and me.
18:28I'd make sure
18:29you only bought things
18:30in the best possible taste.
18:32Oh, dear.
18:42Mr. Justin Melville,
18:45room 103,
18:46High Street,
18:47London,
18:48S.
18:49Oh, dear,
18:50oh, dear.
18:50Ah, hello.
18:57What is going on?
18:58I just saw
18:59Carolyn Thingy
18:59looking most agitated
19:00and rattling a bit.
19:03What's this I hear
19:03about the flat now
19:04being in the hands
19:05of a notorious
19:06gangland racketeer?
19:07Oh, don't ask.
19:09Being an upright citizen,
19:11I naturally asked me
19:12to try and guide you
19:13back on to the
19:13straight and narrow.
19:14Not naturally.
19:15And I...
19:16Is that the same wallet?
19:18Yes.
19:19And don't ask.
19:21Why are you back here, then?
19:23Don't ask.
19:24Can I ask what I can't ask?
19:26No, you can't.
19:28Trouble is,
19:28I never like being told
19:29what to do.
19:31When people tell me
19:33to keep things,
19:33I like to hand them in.
19:34When they tell me
19:35to hand them in,
19:36I like to keep them.
19:37When I'm told to do both,
19:38I get confused.
19:39You haven't decided
19:40what to do with the money, then.
19:4220 years ago,
19:44no question.
19:45Five years ago,
19:46no question.
19:47Last year,
19:48pas de question,
19:49because it was in France.
19:51This year,
19:52at this age,
19:52with this bank balance,
19:54I suppose in the past,
19:56I'd have simply said,
19:57get thee behind me, Satan.
19:59Whereas now,
20:00I feel like more like,
20:01you know...
20:02Just move slightly
20:03to one side, please, Satan.
20:05Exactly.
20:06Ah, you Brits.
20:07What a bunch of ditherers.
20:09Beats me how you ever
20:09managed to get an empire.
20:11Like with India,
20:12what'd you say, huh?
20:13Um, excuse me, chaps,
20:14um, does this country
20:15actually belong to anyone?
20:17I mean,
20:17would it be all right
20:18if we, uh,
20:18actually just borrowed it
20:19for a while, hmm?
20:21It's the same with this money.
20:22I mean, personally,
20:24I think...
20:24I know what you think.
20:26What worries me
20:27is you're wrong,
20:28and I agree with you.
20:29Or I'm starting to.
20:30Then what is the problem?
20:31It's only money.
20:33Guilt.
20:33And don't say
20:35it's only guilt.
20:36This is bourgeois English guilt,
20:38the world's most virulent strain.
20:41Okay, so why not
20:42put a small ad for the owner
20:43in a local paper?
20:45Like the West Cornwall Fishing Gazette.
20:48One moment I think,
20:50what shall it profit a man
20:51if he gain the whole world
20:53and lose his soul?
20:55I read that
20:56on a sandwich board, man.
20:58And then I think,
21:00for 200 smackeroonies,
21:01well, I should only lose
21:02this much of my soul.
21:04Hardly notice it was missing.
21:06What are smackeroonies?
21:07Graham, talk.
21:09You see, traditionally,
21:10in English families,
21:11rich ones,
21:12fathers spank their children
21:14with wads of pound notes.
21:17At least that's my theory.
21:18Certainly explains Graham's view
21:20of the world at any rate.
21:21And what explains yours?
21:23My parents were so liberal,
21:24I had to spank them.
21:26I've had a problem
21:27with authority figures
21:28ever since.
21:28Suppose I were to keep it.
21:32What then?
21:33Before long,
21:34it could be gold bullion raids
21:35and into the Bank of England
21:36with a sawn-off,
21:37heat-seeking SAM missile.
21:40Oh, that'd be nice.
21:41And you could buy somewhere
21:42like Columbia and retire.
21:45No chance.
21:46The Bank of England's
21:47full of IOUs these days,
21:48thanks to Nigel.
21:52And suppose I do give it back.
21:54Well, there's always
21:56the satisfaction of gratitude
21:57and perhaps even a reward.
22:04Come in.
22:08Can I help you?
22:09Yes, I'm looking for a Mr Melville.
22:11You found him.
22:12Well, at least that's one of my names.
22:14Oh, right.
22:15Yes, well,
22:16I have some good news for you,
22:18Mr Melville.
22:18Oh, yes?
22:19Yes, I found your wallet.
22:22Oh, good.
22:23Yes, that's it.
22:24Near the pub?
22:25Yes, yes.
22:27How did you know?
22:29Pigskin wallet
22:30on pavement
22:31near pub SW 11.
22:33Sorry?
22:35Social research project
22:36for TV Current Affairs.
22:38We're testing honesty
22:39in the late 80s.
22:42We've been planting wallets
22:44in different social areas
22:45all over London.
22:47Planting them?
22:48Yes, we've been doing it
22:49for two weeks now.
22:51So this doesn't actually
22:52belong to anyone?
22:53No.
22:53Well,
22:56you'll certainly
22:57affect our statistics.
22:59Will I?
22:59Yes.
23:00You're the only person
23:01who's brought one bun.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03I'm going to go home.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:04I'm going to go home.
23:06I'm going to go home.
23:09APPLAUSE