- 8 months ago
Police Station Comedy
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FunTranscript
00:00THE END
00:30morning sarge 10 down ice station stripy animal morning sarge if you come to report a crime
00:41there's another police station in the next town i'm busy sarge it's me it's oily so says kipper
00:49skunk it's a stripy animal isn't it sarge sir i'm in my office oh good good morning
00:58how are you so good morning sarge i'm looking forward to the big match tomorrow manchester united
01:05eh i didn't know you followed football ted oh a big fan me yeah big fan of united because of course
01:11i know that georgie best well when i say no i went out on a bender with him once he couldn't keep up
01:17cop up then ted what you bet me 20 quid shirley bassley never recorded yesterday by the beatles
01:23she never did third track side two oh i don't believe it sarge is ben in his office yes dad why
01:32fiver on him coming out through that door in 20 seconds tell her 20. you're wrong starting from now
01:39what's going on just pleased to see you ben
02:03you'll turn that thing up now
02:09ah kevin hello sir well i'm looking forward to the match tomorrow kevin and reading all about
02:15you in the papers oh i shouldn't think the press would be very interested in me sir i don't know
02:19a lot about football but you're the most important member of the team you're the uh
02:23the um substitute sir exactly a word of advice kevin sir this advice was given to me by my old scout
02:31master when i was six years old never kevin never have sex the night before a football match
02:40does that mean if i went completely off my rocker and pleaded with you to have
02:43sex with me tonight you wouldn't oh no not before a match wendy see it's the same part of the brain
02:48makes you good at sport as makes you good at sex yeah i've often thought that sex is a bit like
02:53football how do you mean but halfway through i like to suck an orange and stick a sponge down the
02:57front of me shorts come on kevin let's give you a nice tea flavoured drink gotta keep this stamina up
03:04for tomorrow ted ted stuff it or no sarge tell ted i've got something for him a rare skin disease
03:11perhaps what's gonna happen to me he's gonna kill me oh what's going on who is this ted's grass
03:19son scum of the earth scum of the earth hey you're that marvellous organization that are saving the
03:26rainforests aren't you here how much your car stickers tenner oh cheers ted
03:34god this is horrible what have you put in it sterilized milk no tequila
03:44kevin oh sarge man asked me to tell you he's arranged a press conference for you with the
03:49national dailies press conference but i can't talk to the i mean when well
03:54now if you'd like to come through gentlemen please and make it snappy there's a pelican
04:00crossing broken down it's stretching us to the limit come on come on boy
04:08right gentlemen i'd like to welcome you to middle for broadway police station and introduce you to
04:14the man of the moment the first full-time police officer to play in the fourth round of the fa cup
04:20pc kevin robinson um thank you everyone i need to say thank you kevin no one's clapping you
04:28any questions yeah yes you you the scruffy one at the front
04:34pc robinson middelford are a non-league team made up of part-time players manchester united are
04:39one of the most famous clubs in the world with eight internationals and a team valued at 10 million pounds
04:44do you really think you've got a chance of beating them in the cup tomorrow no
04:50in that case mr bottomley i shall just have to take my overdraft elsewhere
04:57thinking banks what's the point you're gonna have a flutter on the game then ted yeah i'm skimp
05:03darling i've got a fiver on middelford he didn't get 40 to one on kevin scoring you're not bad odds
05:10here darling bet you 20 quid you can't guess the color of my underpants in three ghosts
05:15grey nylon with a picture of an elephant on the front
05:24where's that crying coming from you can't go in there wendy that's the gents
05:29oily what's the matter he's gonna kill me 10 now who's gonna kill you you've got to get that 10
05:39grand ted or he'll kill me and then he'll kill you who knows you 10 grand ted no i got pissed up on
05:47the brandies down the casino last saturday night and oily what he introduces me to this greek geezer
05:52well he only offers me 10 grand on the flip of a coin doesn't he he sent a couple of evidence around
05:58my house last sunday had to tell brenda they was jehovah's witnesses
06:07he's always been good to me he looked hard to me when the missus was up the spout she wouldn't eat
06:11nothing but tarama salata for nine months did the baby come out smelling a fish
06:35that's not fair it's my private life and it's none of your blooming business
06:39i think i can answer that one gentlemen uh i can assure you that sex will definitely not be on
06:44the agenda of the government how can you be so sure he's not married and he can't get a girlfriend
06:51my paper's starting at page three for the ladies a beefcake page beefcake recipes you mean
06:58we're thinking of kicking off with pc robinson the uh law-abiding woman's crumpet are you winding
07:03me up all right how about a picture of pc robinson in his football kit
07:08with a right helmet on no right that's your lot do you expect a lot of trouble with drunks if you
07:15lot don't clear this room bit bloody sharpies yes come on give it practice your ball controlling the
07:21car park come on gentlemen that's time let's have your glasses please come on it's well past time now
07:27come on haven't you got no homes to go to come on uh do you like a drink officer yeah i do one of it
07:35you couldn't help me set up a novelty shot of pc robinson novelty shot you know something a bit
07:41different saucy even i've got a model lined up if i understand you correctly you're asking me to
07:49organize a degrading photograph of a fellow policeman that will bring him and possibly the entire force
07:54into disrepute 250 quid you're on cash out front your muppet got a film in that camera oh yeah
08:02see you and on remember saucy oh yeah saucy oh yeah saucy
08:08thank you
08:15you're a friend
08:19a few phone calls about the match
08:21i said you'd do an interview for hospital radio oh sarge why can't people stop bothering me and
08:26just let me concentrate on the game it's always good to improve the police's image with stretcher
08:30cases and geriatrics can it oh and uh have you got six hours free on sunday morning six hours what
08:36for i promised the governor of the local borstal that you'd give his boys a display of dribbling
08:40right everyone listen up
08:48now lest we forget tomorrow is a major police operation we've never had a first division football
08:56team plan in middleford before so we don't really know what to expect there'll be 11 of them sir
09:00that's the usual setup thank you kevin just to be on the safe side i've asked for some extra men to
09:07be drafted in and all the pubs will be closed for the day oh it's all right i'll be getting some cans
09:13in i've also ordered the newsagent on the corner of church street to close it doesn't sell booze does
09:20it no but i don't like the woman who runs it now a word for all of you on crowd control tomorrow
09:30remember that the visiting fans are from up north and i shall come down like a cat or not bricks
09:36at anybody casting aspersions at their house prices or taking the piss out of their actions
09:43my flatmate sister's just bought a house in oldham for only 12 000 quid
09:47my brother-in-law's thinking of moving to east berlin and buy a flat there for 40 quid apparently
09:53ted you'll be senior officer in charge during the match thanks ben i'll go behind the goal with the
09:58invalid carriages checking for bald tires now you'll be in charge here at the station ted
10:03i rather hoped i'll beat the match sir well forget it you can't do this to me ben and uh kevin yes
10:08sir make sure you play well eh i don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on you but
10:15middleford's relying on you and policemen can be very vindictive if you let them down
10:19send you to coventry talk through the post that sort of thing right give me an m m give me an i i
10:29give me a d d give me another d d oh what's the point you'll take all day carry on everybody
10:35hey sarge what's 250 quid at 40 to one oh god uh 40 to one yeah yeah
10:4810 000 quid thanks
10:54miss ted look i want you to go and see mr spiro tell him he can have his money money tomorrow night
10:59i'll see him down the casino casino how are you gonna get the money ted popped out the betting
11:04office and put this on kevin to score tomorrow that's your plan is it yeah it's good isn't it
11:10kevin will never score ted he's got about as much chance of scoring as a dead man with no dick
11:18all kevin needs is a it's a bit of motivation now get out of it
11:22yes boy bobby charton come here go somewhere comfy
11:30sir you're a bit of an opera fan aren't you yes ted i am what's the name of that big fat foreign
11:36geezer it seems well pavarotti caruso placido domingo yeah that's him i've just seen him down
11:42wh smith signing copies of his new single oh is he really yeah oh
11:47do you know
11:55kevin you know how close you and me have been since you started in the job
12:00well i need to be at that match tomorrow any chance of a ticket well it's been sold out
12:04for weeks ted anyway ben said you've got to spend tomorrow afternoon in the station don't forget what
12:08ben says i want to be there to see you score ted i've got about as much chance of scoring as a dead man
12:14kevin you've got to think positive for the sake of that poor little kiddie in the coma
12:22what kiddie oh don't you know we just had a phone call from the kiddie's mum
12:27you see his name's kevin robinson too hey yeah he he lives in cornwall and according to his mum
12:33he's football mad well he used to be before he went into the coma anyways mum reckons if little
12:40kevin were to hear a proper football commentator on the telly say kevin robinson has scored well
12:46it might just bring him back to the land of the living oh the poor little might has he really got
12:50the same name as me yes play my heart out for him just do your best kevin and don't forget that ticket
12:58right now uh i've organized a little photo session for you photo session yeah little kevin keeps
13:05asking for some photographs of what you said he was in a coma oh yeah coma he's in a coma yes
13:14it's a talking coma they're they're the worst apparently yeah they just won't shut up see
13:20all you've got to do all you've got to do all you've got to do all he wants you to do is to
13:24is to you know pose nothing risque risque oh absolutely not no no you've got your bathing
13:32trunks with you in trunks yeah oh so you're your back oh yeah did you see him sir no i did not
13:41take you sure it was wh smith did i say wh smiths i mean boots come on kevin they'll be waiting still
13:51it wasn't a completely wastey journey pan airs was there oh signing copies of a new book no working on
13:58the checkout ted what do i need my bathing trunks for oh little kevin's a very keen swimmer but it
14:08doesn't have to be bathing trunks no it could be a posing pouch or a pair of those leather things
14:14cowboys wear they're all open at the back so everyone can see your bottom i'm sergeant mcnann
14:20strathclade police i bet you are i brought the officers you requested really oh well you better
14:28bring them in sergeant one big party here at middleford what are all these strange policemen
14:43doing in my station reinforcements the ones you requested inspector but they're not due to the day
14:49of the match that's not what it says on my docket i'm sorry they just have to go away and come back
14:54tomorrow no way pal i've got another six coach loads of officers out there who've driven here
14:59through the night from glasgow glasgow that's in scotland isn't it i also have 30 men from thames
15:06valley well you've got 300 from strathclyde i wouldn't worry about it computer error happens all
15:14the time we had three weeks in gdansk on the polish shipyard strike last year quite nice actually
15:23the lads will need accommodation though sarge they're not staying with me sir
15:29well there's the z bed in the bungalow that'll do for one oh very civil of you inspector very civil uh
15:36well that's settled then the rest of the lads can kip down here in the station you uh happy with that
15:41sarge ecstatic sir any good restaurants in town inspector i fancy a thai or maybe something malaysian
15:53well the copper kettle does a nice plowman's or jackalese would be nice maybe a sushi bar
15:59i have a real craving for raw fish well we could try the aquarium they'll be feeding the seals around now
16:05call me dave by the way why
16:12you better show our scottish friends to their sleeping quarters all right i used to go out
16:17with a squaddy from edinburgh hmm yeah he had this he had this brilliant tattoo of a supper on his back
16:24the last supper no a fish supper and he had he had he had king billy tattooed under one nipple and uh
16:33something about doing something to the pope underneath the oven of course edinburgh's famous
16:38for its tattoos isn't it all right there's only one bed so you'll have to fight for it or cuddle up
16:47right tension
16:51just joking
16:54you know kevin that wasn't so bad was it it was degrading ted goodbye then yeah bye bye bye
17:03bye denise you got my number ain't you
17:08of course it was degrading kevin i understand that if you ask me all photographers are a bit kinky
17:13but it wasn't a good cause ain't just imagine the face of poor little kevin in cornwall when
17:18he sees that picture yeah i suppose you're right ted don't worry we'll destroy the negatives that'll
17:23be the only copy all right lads thanks very much nice one uh i'll plug the picture to the star
17:28be in the paper tomorrow
17:34kevin what can i say
17:43all right kevin you're right i deserve that i deserve that kevin
17:47but you don't understand my life is a mess it's a muddle it's all mixed up my wife don't love me my
17:53kids don't love me oh you've got to help me kevin please help me
18:00morning everyone
18:03right i'll see you in a little while then hi and thanks very much for the zed bed
18:08pity it wasn't a couple of feet longer your fault for not unfolding it doug
18:13morning sarge morning wendy what are you doing steak and eggs for kevin
18:22build him up for his big match this afternoon will it slow him up no there he is man of the moment
18:31get this down you kevin oh sorry sarge i don't eat red meat well it makes you aggressive
18:35morning kevin ted can i have a word yeah far away no not here in in the toilet all right
18:48excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me
18:54kevin all these jocks yeah of course this is a luxury for them proper washing facilities
19:00hey don't go taking all that hot water home in thermos glasks
19:07i think we use the ladies kevin
19:12oi out
19:16i don't believe it kevin look in the ladies loom hey they'll be wanting urinals next
19:23of course i've never used one of them things in my life
19:26uh me and brenda we used the coil yeah just wrap it around you you know it's enough to put anybody
19:32off
19:33did you get me that ticket yeah i got the ticket i don't know why i bothered though after the way
19:38you conned me yesterday kevin you overreacted i conned you yeah i conned you but only for the
19:44sake of poor little kevin in cornwall i mean hopefully by now he will have seen your photo in
19:49the paper and tell what's the point you hate me anyway don't you i don't hate you ted you you're
19:56a big-hearted fella there you go
20:01thank you
20:05it cost me 25 quid ted 24 of quid ticket touts eh no i bought it off me dad
20:12where'd you get it i'll give it to him for nothing three weeks ago
20:14he's an old age pensioner see he needs the cash yeah pensioner what a terrible job that is i wouldn't
20:20be one if you paid me ted look what about the 25 quid oh just forget it eh oh thanks ted
20:34spot a breakfast sergeant mcnell why not i'll have a pain chocolate and an almond croissant
20:41i'm sorry can't understand your accent
20:48ben would like a word
20:59oh hello it's paul raymond isn't it
21:05this is an outrage ted pc kevin robinson looks forward to scoring
21:11and getting his balls in the back of the net with a little help from curvy miss middle for denise
21:16dolan you know what these kind of journalists are like sir i've no idea it'd turn out like that
21:22i'm as shocked as you are sir
21:25ben i've been under a lot of pressure lately it's brenda
21:30says here it's denise dolan no my wife brenda she's been taken poorly you could be serious i think i'm
21:38cracking up sir if only i could have the rest of the day off out of the question ted we need you here in
21:45the station they've taken her in ben for tests tests what could her a-levels to a woman of brenda's
21:53age you're talking about woman's trouble are you oh dear my boy simon's with her now sir
22:01oh a woman needs her husband at a time like this i mean she may even oh god please don't let her
22:08die ted her family should be together at a time like this so i can have the afternoon officer
22:13you know i envy you ted in a funny sort of way i envy you what having the afternoon officer having
22:20your family around you you know i wish i had a wife who was going in for tests yes she gets lonely in
22:26the bungalow since judith left scientist is ready for you to brief the men now sir thank you kevin
22:33poor old brenda when did you say she took it what oh last night sir well you better get along that
22:40sharpest it thanks though i'll be off then okay i put the money on here's the betting slip
22:50my god did the greek do that to you no no no i slipped over in the shower fell downstairs and
22:55cut myself shaving happens all the time ted here sarge cushy little job for you this afternoon ted
23:05bloke from the council brought in this list of people who haven't registered for the poll tax
23:10they want someone to phone them up and frighten them i'm sorry sarge no can do oh ben insists i have
23:16the rest of the day off it's compassionate leave it's brenda oh i'm sorry ted oh dear dear um
23:27can i get you anything six lagers and half a bottle of johnny walker for brenda pay you back monday
23:40are you a football fan sarge oh i haven't been to a match since i was a lad wendy mind you those
23:46were the days when shorts were long and men wore hats of course you didn't have all these hooligans
23:53then the world was a less violent place during the war if i was prime minister i'd make football illegal
24:03young people these days don't know they're born my granddad was killed in the trenches didn't do him
24:10any harm kevin could i have a word please you know i'd like to have been alive in the 30s
24:18all them all them lovely dresses and tea dances people really seem like they knew how to enjoy
24:24themselves oh they were much more cheerful during the depression now can i ask your advice kevin now
24:35i've got to brief all those scotsmen in a minute and well to be honest i don't know much about football
24:41how would you approach this afternoon hey well sir i think our best bet is to keep on banging long
24:46balls into the box and hope for the best the hooligan problem oh right sir well avoid confrontation
24:53at all costs how are we going to do that we're policemen you better talk to them now sir or we'll
25:00have a riot on our hands just coming sir it's just coming right i'd just like to say a few words about
25:10this afternoon's operation which i have codenamed operation football match
25:15this is my plan of action i want you to go to the match and sort out any trouble any questions no good
25:30okay shouldn't you bid the match i'm off in a minute sir i just wanted to say that i'm going
25:35to go out on my pitch today and stand there with my head held high sir don't just stand there kevin
25:40you're going to have to run about a bit or you just get in the way of the other players here take
25:45this it's a rabbit's foot i never eat before a match sir it's for luck kevin oh right sir thank you
25:51sir would you like a police escort to the ground kevin oh yes please sir ted's got the escort sir
25:57how about the cortina only said no tea sir oh i'm sorry kevin you'll have to get the bus it's all right
26:03sir i don't mind walking yes sir it all went very smoothly just the one arrest that should keep us
26:17off the front pages apparently there was 370 arrests at west ham today and they didn't even have
26:24a match yes sir i'll tell the lads thank you sir yes good night sir
26:36i am looking for that altar shot he's not here his wife's ill tell him i got bored waiting for him
26:44in the casino i am looking for him we are the lads we are the lads we are we are you drunk yes sir very
26:52much sir they had a banquet for us at the town also the mayor made a speech what a lolly
27:00now with only seconds remaining 10 nil they're bringing on their substitute the pc kevin
27:06wrong you're on the telly i've never met anybody as well on the telly before
27:12this is really the sort of thing the game can do without some mindless hooligan has invaded the
27:27pitch and oh dear oh dear that's you chasing him isn't it dave hi the hooligan hit you don't worry
27:35man it wasn't as bad as it looks well this is an outrage a visitor to our town being treated like
27:40this no problem ben i think you'll find he came out of it a lot worse than me i hope we've charged
27:46this animal no chance sir he's only just back from the hospital well where is this mindless drunken
27:51luligan i'm here ben still i've got the kitty out my coma hey ted what do you say double or quits
28:06now ted ted no no
28:18so
28:24Morning, Sarge.
28:48Morning, Sarge.
28:49Morning, Sarge.
28:50Morning, Sarge.
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