- 8 months ago
Police Station Comedy
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00:00The Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen.com
00:30Good morning, Sarge.
00:37No, sir, it's me.
00:39Sorry, Kevin, force of habit.
00:41Are the others with you?
00:42They're just coming, sir.
00:43There's a letter for you, sir, about your non-payments of the community charge.
00:46Ah, thank you, Kevin.
00:47Poll tax.
00:50I think police officers should be exempt.
00:54Beautiful, aren't they, eh, Kevin?
00:55You see, as the station commander, it's my duty to maintain the station arsenal.
01:01Well, personally, sir, I don't think the policemen should have arms.
01:03Don't be stupid, Kevin.
01:05How will we get the small change out of our pockets without them?
01:14Come.
01:20Right.
01:20As you probably know, the Police Federation frown on commanding officers who allow their
01:27stations to be run on gossip and hearsay.
01:30Well, at least that's the rumour I heard.
01:32So, what I've got to say, I'll say in front of all of you.
01:36We'll start with you, Ted.
01:37I've been looking at your last medical report.
01:40You'll be dead within ten years unless you get some exercise and cut down on the drink, Ted.
01:44Doctors, eh?
01:45What do they know?
01:46Bunch of piss artists, most of them.
01:48Oh, good copper, Ben.
01:49Hard copper.
01:50You're a lazy, skiving, poorly motivated, loud mountain is what you are, Ted.
01:56At the moment, your only future in the force is serving the tea-flavoured drinks and the
01:59biscuits where they take charge off the knacker's yard.
02:01I wanted to talk to you about that, sir.
02:03Just wait for your turn, Sarge.
02:04Now, Kevin.
02:05I'm sorry, sir.
02:05I've been doing my best, but there have been a lot of problems.
02:07I've been delighted with your progress since you've joined us, Kevin.
02:10What?
02:10And I'd like you to think seriously about joining the CID.
02:14It's your generation of graduates who'll soon be replacing the likes of Ted.
02:18After all, you've had an academic education.
02:20You've studied Latin and spelling.
02:22Now, Wendy, about your career.
02:27Yes, sir.
02:28Are you planning on having any babies?
02:30What?
02:31It's just that my ex-wife, Judith, is thinking of joining the force, and it'd be handy if
02:34there was a vacancy here for her to step into.
02:36I haven't even got a steady boyfriend.
02:40There are some very good fertility drugs on the market at the moment, Wendy.
02:43I'm a career copper, sir.
02:44I never even thought...
02:45Right, Sarge.
02:48It's difficult to know where to start, isn't it?
02:51I've got a list of complaints here as long as my arm.
02:53August.
02:53Sir, before you go any further, I ought to tell you that I'm thinking of taking early retirement.
02:58What?
02:59I've got my eye on a little boarding house in Hove, overlooking the floral clock.
03:02Somewhere nice for sad, lonely old people who've got nothing better to do.
03:07Money for a rope, in fact, sir.
03:10You want to do anything else, sir?
03:11Er, no.
03:12Just think over what I've said, eh?
03:14Sir, sir, sir.
03:15Thank you, sir.
03:16Wendy?
03:16Yes, sir?
03:17Are you sure you're not, you know...
03:21Positive?
03:22Positive?
03:23The tests were positive?
03:25And you are pregnant?
03:26No, sir.
03:29I didn't know you was planning on early retirement, Sarge.
03:32I'm not.
03:33But it took the wind out of his sails, didn't it?
03:35I'm watching her, Ted.
03:37Cup of what?
03:38Or would you prefer an espresso?
03:40It's a bit small, isn't it?
03:42It's not going to satisfy a man.
03:45Oh, it's revolting.
03:46What's wrong?
03:47Tastes like coffee, that's what's wrong with it.
03:49It's boring, Mark.
03:50Come on, Ted, I'll get you a proper coffee-flavoured drink from the locker room.
03:53You can keep your drink, Kevin, and you keep your hands off my job and all.
03:56Oh, by the way, er, the word is that Big Stan gets out this week.
04:00Ah, Stanley the knife, eh?
04:03Well, well, well.
04:05Hello, Sarge.
04:06You know, I've always dreamed of having one of these machines.
04:09When I was married to Dorothy, she used to make mellow birds with warm milk.
04:13I'd like to speak to Ben.
04:14She used to get a horrible milky skin on it that got stuck in her moustache.
04:19Hello, sir.
04:20Your ex-wife is here to see you.
04:22Hello, Judith.
04:27Don't patronise me, Ben.
04:31Now, that's better.
04:32You know where you are with a coffee that don't taste of anything except a plastic cup it's served in.
04:37You know, Ted, maybe Ben's right.
04:40Maybe I should start thinking about having children.
04:42And maybe you should admit you're past it.
04:44Past it?
04:45That make me laugh.
04:46You're looking at a bloke who's fought shoulder to shoulder with some of the finest mercenaries in the world.
04:51Who's had blood-craved savages dropping out of the trees on his head like conkers.
04:56The finest thief-taker in this, Nick.
04:59Ben knows it.
05:00Well, at least I've got my football trade to keep me fit.
05:03I mean, you're...
05:04I'm what?
05:08Nothing.
05:09Don't push me, Kevin.
05:10I'm a trained killer.
05:11You're fat.
05:13Fat.
05:14That's not fat.
05:14That's just pure muscle, that is.
05:16Go on, hit me.
05:17What?
05:17Go on, hit me there.
05:17Go on, pure muscle.
05:19Come on, you're a tough man.
05:20Come on, you hit me.
05:21No.
05:21Come on, come on.
05:22You're frightening me, aren't you, Kevin?
05:23Come on, attack me, attack me.
05:29So, Judith, what's the problem?
05:31Why do you always turn things into a problem, Ben?
05:33It's my job, Judith.
05:35Aren't you even going to say hello to your sons?
05:37Yes, hello, um...
05:39Richard.
05:40And, um...
05:41Richard.
05:43Are you pleased to see, um...
05:45Daddy.
05:46Perhaps it'll be a good idea if I've got him something to play with.
05:50Little boys like guns, don't they?
05:54The divorce is going through in a few weeks.
05:57It's all over.
05:58When are you going to face up to your responsibilities
06:00and start being a proper father to the boys?
06:03I'm going to start now, Judith.
06:07What's that, sooty?
06:12You've broken the law.
06:15Well, you deserve everything you get.
06:20Oh, for God's sake, Ben!
06:21You've destroyed the illusion now!
06:24I try and be a proper father
06:26and you go and ruin it all
06:28before I can do the big finish with Sweep.
06:30You know I've been seeing Roger, don't you?
06:32Oh, Roger.
06:33Yes, I know all about Roger.
06:34Very appropriate name from what I hear.
06:37Well, I'm going away with him.
06:39I thought you should know.
06:40Oh, Judith.
06:41Let's not talk like this.
06:43Not in front of the boys.
06:44Can't you see it's tearing them apart?
06:46Let's give it one more try, eh?
06:48For the sake of the boys.
06:55Well, Steve.
06:56Selling crack-cooks to little kiddies
06:57on the council estate, eh?
07:01Refusing to give a statement, eh?
07:06I'm really sorry, Ted.
07:07I didn't mean to hurt you.
07:08No, it's all right, Kevin.
07:09Did dirt.
07:10Old samurai trick.
07:11Retractable undercarriage.
07:12Ted.
07:14Word in your ear, Ted.
07:15I'd better be good this time, Oily.
07:18Sarge.
07:19Do you think I'd make a good month?
07:21Oh, Wendy.
07:24No.
07:26Plenty to wit three building societies
07:28in the High Street at the same time, Ted.
07:30Look, this job's beyond a cost.
07:31A month.
07:31What's the delay?
07:32Well, they've been waiting to see
07:33if the interest rates will top 15%.
07:35Right.
07:37So how much is this going to cost me, you parasite?
07:39No, it won't cost you nothing, Ted.
07:41Call it quits.
07:42Favour return.
07:43Mind you, there is one thing.
07:45It's OK if I come and live here, is it?
07:47Live here?
07:48Just for a few days, Ted.
07:49Top.
07:49No, Oily, you could...
07:50Oh!
07:51You could still make it work, Judith.
07:54You don't listen, do you, Ben?
07:56Look, just fill this form in.
07:57It'll make everything all right.
07:59Well, what are you talking about?
08:00It's an application form to join the police.
08:02Just fill it in, Judith.
08:03Are you mad?
08:05Well, you said yourself
08:06our relationship fell apart
08:07cos we never talked.
08:08If you'd join the force,
08:09it'd be different.
08:11We could talk about the police.
08:12Then why would I want to join the police?
08:14I'm a doctor.
08:15You'd earn more money in the police.
08:18I'm going.
08:18Judith, wait.
08:20Look, Wendy's just told me
08:21she's having a baby soon.
08:22You could have her job.
08:24It'd be perfect.
08:25I mean, I've had the boys' names
08:26down for Hendon
08:27since they were born.
08:28You should know
08:29that Roger and I
08:30are going away to Tuscany
08:31for three weeks.
08:32We leave this afternoon.
08:33Very nice, I'm sure,
08:34but why are you telling me this?
08:36Because I'm leaving the boys with you.
08:40Goodbye, Ben.
08:41I'm afraid that won't be possible, Judith.
08:43If they come out in a nervous rash,
08:45you'll find prescriptions
08:46in their suitcases.
08:48Oi, oi, oi, oi.
08:49What's all this?
08:50What's going on?
08:51I'm here cos I need protection, Ted.
08:53Gee, obviously you need protection, Oily.
08:54I'm a trained killer
08:55and I'm just about to assault you.
08:56What is this?
08:57I'm in big trouble, Ted.
08:59Stan gets out today.
09:00Oh, yeah, I did hear a whisper.
09:02Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
09:04He's gonna kill me.
09:05Yeah, well, you should have
09:06thought of that
09:06before you grassed him up.
09:07Look out of me, Ted.
09:08Just a couple of days.
09:09I'll be no trouble.
09:10Look, I'll set me barrow
09:11up in the corner there.
09:12It'll brighten the place up
09:13a bit, won't it?
09:14You can't stay here.
09:15Please, Ted,
09:16just for a little while.
09:17I mean, well,
09:18this is the last place
09:19he'd look for me.
09:20Hello, Oily.
09:23Hello, Stan.
09:26That's very good, Richard.
09:28That's a very good submarine.
09:30And what noise
09:31does a submarine make, eh?
09:34Eh?
09:34It goes,
09:35blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.
09:39Richard, come away
09:40from that cactus.
09:41You might, uh,
09:42swallow it and choke yourself.
09:44Just come and finish
09:45your drawing, eh?
09:47Well, that's a lovely car,
09:49isn't it?
09:50And we all know
09:51what noise cars make,
09:52don't we, eh?
09:53Eh?
09:54They go,
09:55be-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
09:59Right.
10:00You need the blue pen
10:01for the light
10:01on the top
10:02and the orange one
10:03for the stripe
10:03down the side.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07You're looking well,
10:08Stan.
10:08Do you know
10:09what I'm going to do, Oily?
10:10Oh, God.
10:12I'm going to do a sculpture of you.
10:14What?
10:15Yeah, you look really good in bronze.
10:18A sculpture look even better in concrete.
10:20Yeah, well, look, I might not see you, Sted.
10:23You've got a really fine bone structure.
10:26That delicate jaw of yours would be a real challenge.
10:30So fragile.
10:32Yeah, well, I must be off first, Sted.
10:34I've got a business appointment with Ted, haven't I, Ted?
10:36Ted?
10:37I didn't recognise you, mate.
10:39You've got fat.
10:41So fat, that's pure muscle, that is.
10:43Pure muscle, that.
10:44Go on, hit me.
10:44Hit me there.
10:45Go on, hit me.
10:45Do you think I'm stupid, Ted?
10:49Come on, Oily.
10:50Hello, Stanley.
10:52Oh, now, don't tell me.
10:53It's, um, it's Mandy, isn't it?
10:55Ben would like a word, Wendy.
10:57Wendy, you were a cadet.
10:59Hey, you had lovely long black hair in those days.
11:01What didn't you go and bleach it for?
11:03The black was dye.
11:05Bleach is my natural colour.
11:07Hey, things haven't changed much around here in seven years, eh, Sanch?
11:12No.
11:13You're still here?
11:14Yes.
11:15They dolted me to the floor in 1982.
11:18Wendy, I've been thinking over what you were saying about leaving the force and starting
11:21a family.
11:22What?
11:23With these kids, sir?
11:24And you're right, it's not right that women officers are forced to make a decision between
11:28the job and having children.
11:29Well, I know that.
11:30So I've decided to start a creche as an experiment in non-sexist policing.
11:35And I'm putting you in charge of it because you're a girl.
11:39It'll just be a temporary measure, Wendy.
11:42You'll be looking after my sons till my wife get back from holiday.
11:46Carry on.
11:47What are their names?
11:48Richard, I think.
11:49Sarge, no more assignments for Wendy until further notice.
11:58She's in charge of the new creche.
12:00Right, you are, sir.
12:00Well, perhaps I could do some art therapy with them, Ben.
12:04Stanley!
12:05You're looking well.
12:06Yeah, I just popped in to say thanks, actually.
12:08He did me a real favour sending me down.
12:10I've got a BA in sociology now, Ben, and I'm studying for a master's in fine art.
12:15Six months to my finals.
12:17Now, bastards, but all me!
12:21So, how about you?
12:24How about me?
12:25Seven years down the line.
12:26How's your life?
12:27My children won't speak to me.
12:28My wife's divorced me, and I'm still a copper.
12:32I'll be better off inside.
12:35You won't have met Kevin, Stanley.
12:38He's got a degree.
12:39Oh, really?
12:41Oxbridge?
12:41No, Teachers' Training College in Shropshire.
12:43Yeah, the word in the scrubs is that Oxbridge is still the best for the classics,
12:47but they reckon London leads the field in the fine arts.
12:50So, what did your college specialise in?
12:52Table football.
12:59All right, Richard, sit down there and do some colouring or something.
13:02I'll get you a lemonade-flavoured drink.
13:06Oi, pack it in.
13:07That's your uncle.
13:08Oily.
13:09He's what we call a grass.
13:13Can you say that?
13:15A grass?
13:16I don't like the way they're looking at me, Wendy.
13:18Here, what was that film with all them scary kids that all look the same?
13:22Sound of music?
13:23No.
13:25Village of the Damned, that's the one.
13:27Stop and look at me, Wendy.
13:28I can't stand it.
13:29Go somewhere else, Sam.
13:31I can't.
13:31Not while Stan's around.
13:33You know why he's here, don't you?
13:34He's coming to kill me.
13:35I only grassed him up because your lot promised me immunity.
13:38Immunity?
13:39Yeah, well, my little girl had the chicken pox and I didn't want to catch it.
13:42Right, Oily.
13:44That's that sorted out.
13:45Where are we going then?
13:46Somewhere where Stanley can't get to you.
13:48Oh, babysitting, I see, Wendy.
13:51Nice to see you doing something feminine for a change, eh, darling?
13:53That was your Uncle Ted.
13:59He's what we call a bigot.
14:02Because families are...
14:03Oh, come on, Kevin.
14:05That's the sort of bigoted nonsense that led to Nazi eugenics.
14:08You are saying that criminal behaviour is genetic in origin.
14:11I'm saying that it's part genetic and part environmental.
14:14A lot of criminal behaviour is caused by poor potty training.
14:18You wouldn't have fuller people who were in nappies until puberty.
14:21Right, sorry to break up the seminar,
14:23but we've got a lot on.
14:24They're digging a hole in North Street
14:26and someone's got to go and put some cones round it.
14:29Be nice, senior scout. Be good.
14:31Hey, just before you go, Ben,
14:32what's your policy on recidivists?
14:35They're those strict Baptists who wear the funny hats, aren't they?
14:39No, sir. Criminals who re-offend.
14:41Kevin, you can't dismiss all the members of religion as criminal
14:43just because you don't like their hats, you know?
14:46What I was asking you, Ben, is
14:48what would you do if, say, someone broke the parole?
14:51You step out of line on my manor, Stanley, and, um...
14:54Go on.
14:55I haven't thought I ought to finish the sentence yet.
14:58You would have to send me back to the Nick, wouldn't you, Ben?
15:01Yes, that's the gist of what I was getting at.
15:03Right.
15:04Stanley, you have gone too far, Stanley!
15:13Come on, outside!
15:14What's going on?
15:15No, it's all right, sir.
15:16No, no, it's me over here!
15:17Stop! Stop!
15:18I'll undo this!
15:20Now, look here, Stanley...
15:20Stanley, you want to hit somebody, you hit me.
15:26Come on, son, that's pure muscle.
15:27Come on, hit me.
15:28Come on, come on, hit me.
15:29Look, I have assaulted a police officer,
15:36I have committed an act of criminal damage,
15:38and I demand my right to be sent to prison.
15:41Oh, come on, Stan, you don't want to go back inside.
15:43Look, I'll be finished my degree in six months.
15:46I've got Faber and Faber interested in my thesis.
15:50Roger Daltrey is going to make a musical about my life inside.
15:53I'm going to be played by Billy Idol,
15:55and they're approaching Madonna to play my wife.
15:57I didn't know you were married, Stan.
16:00You got any kids?
16:00Yeah, I've got a boy.
16:01He's going to be played by Jason Donovan.
16:03Now, look, I'm letting a lot of people down if I don't go back.
16:06No, it's not up to me.
16:07I don't believe this!
16:09English justice!
16:10I mean, what do you have to do
16:11to guarantee a prison sentence in this country?
16:14Perhaps you would like me to put on an Irish accent
16:16and confess to something I haven't done?
16:21Got that statement, Wendy?
16:22Yes, sir.
16:23Apparently Madonna's going to be Stan's wife.
16:26Oh, congratulations.
16:27Stan.
16:28Surprising the people you meet in the scrubs, eh?
16:30Look, Ben, it's quite simple.
16:33It's cause and effect, crime and punishment.
16:36I commit an existential act of criminal damage,
16:39and you, as an officer of law,
16:41have an ethical and societal obligation
16:43to send me to a corrective institution.
16:49Bit of a know-all, aren't you, Stan?
16:51Look, sir, I've had an idea.
16:53Why don't we lock him up
16:54while you're deciding whether or not to lock him up?
16:55Good idea, Kevin.
16:57Take him to the cells.
16:58Come on, Stan.
17:04Well, sir, are you going to charge him?
17:07I suppose we could charge him with possession.
17:09Possession, sir?
17:10The possession of an education.
17:12Can be very dangerous in the wrong hands.
17:14Look what he's done to my gadget.
17:16Take him to the 12th floor and chuck him out of the window.
17:19We can't do that, Sarge.
17:21Why not?
17:22This is a prefab.
17:23We haven't got a 12th floor.
17:24We haven't even got an upstairs.
17:27We could wait till 3 o'clock in the morning
17:28and deport him to Vietnam.
17:32Sarge?
17:33Hmm?
17:35Where are Richard?
17:36So, er, what was it like in prison, then, sir?
17:41Oh, the art room was wonderfully well-equipped.
17:44Of course, the constant threat of anal wraith
17:46is a bit of a worry.
17:48So, what did you get sent down for?
17:49Oh, a safety deposit box job in Night's Bridge
17:51that I could never have done.
17:53What, you mean you're innocent?
17:53Oh, yeah.
17:54I was robbing a post office in Dieppe at the time.
17:56Oily took that Night's Bridge stuff
18:01round in my flat
18:02and then testified against me.
18:05I used to dream of revenge,
18:07but I've got it under control now.
18:10Yeah, well, it's been great talking to you anyway, Stan.
18:12I best go now.
18:13I've got to lock you up.
18:14Ta-ra.
18:18Hello, Stan.
18:20Hello, Oily.
18:22I can't find the boys anywhere, Sarge.
18:24Haven't you seen them?
18:25No.
18:25But then again, I am short-sighted.
18:27Then you should get glasses.
18:29I should.
18:30But I'm afraid it'll make me less attractive to women.
18:33Ben'll kill me.
18:34I've got a nagging groin as well,
18:36but you wouldn't catch me dead in a truss.
18:46Have you lost weight, friend, Ted?
18:48I have.
18:49Yeah.
18:49I feel like I'm 20 years old all over again.
18:51Weight-loss tablets from the health food shop.
18:54It's amazing, really.
18:55I've lost four stone in under an hour.
18:59You're wearing a corset.
19:00I am not.
19:01I've looked everywhere.
19:03Are you wearing a corset, Ted?
19:04No.
19:05My dad used to wear one, Ted.
19:07It's the constant smile of pain that gives it away.
19:10What are we going to do about the boys, Sarge?
19:12Only one thing to do, Wendy.
19:14Call the police.
19:15It's terrible when you lose your kids.
19:17Yeah.
19:18When our Simon was a nipper, he went missing for three weeks.
19:21Oh, the money we saved on food, though.
19:23Call the floor on Middelford High Street.
19:26Thanks very much.
19:28They're sending someone right away, Wendy.
19:30Right.
19:31Wendy, about the twins.
19:32They're hiding.
19:34What?
19:35We're playing hide-and-seek.
19:37Oh, excellent idea.
19:39Well, you'd better start looking for them, aren't you?
19:42Come in ready or not!
19:46Right, Ted.
19:47Let's have a word with Stan, shall we?
19:49Sarge, Chuck is a selkie.
19:51Stan's in the cell?
19:52Yes, Ted, why?
19:53I've just put oil in there for safekeeping.
19:55Ted!
19:56Are you wearing a corset?
20:01Richard!
20:02Richard!
20:05OK, so you pick your card, remember what it is, put it back, and we shuffle, right?
20:11OK.
20:13Still up to your old tricks, then, I see, Stan.
20:16Ben, you've come to charge me.
20:19No, Stan, you're free to go.
20:20No, but so, he hit me.
20:23Justifiable horseplay, Ted.
20:24And I smashed up the coffee machine.
20:26I won't be dictated to by criminals, Stan.
20:29Smashing up the coffee machine was a Dardarist act.
20:33You should know that, being an arts graduate.
20:34But I haven't graduated yet.
20:36That's the point.
20:38Right.
20:40OK, Ben, perhaps you'll be willing to charge me
20:42when the press find out a psychopath is holding a hostage
20:45in the chief inspector's office.
20:46What?
20:48There's a psychopath holding a hostage in my office?
20:51Doesn't anybody tell me anything round here?
20:54What's this about missing children?
20:57Well, you took your flipping time.
20:59They're digging a hole in North Street.
21:01You should put some clones around it.
21:03Now, you've lost some kids.
21:05Yes, our chief inspector's son.
21:07Could you give me a description?
21:09Tall bloke, navy blue uniform.
21:12Bit vague, but it means well.
21:13Sarge, there's a psychopath in my office.
21:16Why wasn't I informed of this?
21:18Has the internal memo system broken down completely?
21:22Just take it easy, Stanley.
21:23Take it easy.
21:24OK, now, everybody keep coming.
21:26Nobody's going to get hot, all right?
21:27What's the dirt you think you're doing, Stan?
21:29OK, now, Ivy's coming with me.
21:31Hold it right there, Stan.
21:32There's one thing you haven't thought of.
21:34What's that?
21:34What if they send you back to a prison
21:36that specializes in science and technology?
21:38Could you stand being banged up
21:40with a load of engineering students?
21:41That's a chance I'll just have to take.
21:44Kevin!
21:45Oh, is this the inspector whose children are missing?
21:48What?
21:48They're not missing, they're hiding.
21:50I saw them a few moments ago.
21:51Oh, where, sir?
21:52Well, they're, uh, in my office.
21:54What's all this thing, the Kray twins?
22:05It's been nearly a quarter of an hour.
22:07What's taking them snipers so long?
22:09Inspector, I think we should negotiate.
22:12All right.
22:13I'll give you this pack of pens if you give me a hat.
22:17I know!
22:18Demi Shrussos!
22:19Dear, can you get me his autograph for Brenda?
22:22No, when he was involved in that plane hijack,
22:24he sang a song and the terrorists let him go.
22:26Well, flights from Athens are notoriously unreliable, Kevin.
22:28We'll never get him here in time.
22:29None of them are scoring on a cry for tonight.
22:31I could give her a bell.
22:32I can't bear it.
22:33This is all my fault.
22:35Perhaps if I offered myself as hostage,
22:37they'd let the twins go.
22:38That won't be necessary, Wendy.
22:39I'm going in.
22:40Wendy, no!
22:43There goes a very brave woman.
22:46Do you think it'll work, sir?
22:47I don't know, Kevin.
22:50I just don't know.
22:51Do I think water will work?
23:04Sergeant McNairn!
23:07Hi!
23:07Hello!
23:10Oh, how lovely to see you again.
23:12I got transferred.
23:13I'm head of the Tactical Firearm Squad Southeast Division now.
23:16It's a great job.
23:27$30,000 a year.
23:28Mock Tudor bar at home.
23:30Double garage.
23:31Of course, I miss Glasgow.
23:34You know, the European capital of culture, 1990.
23:38The wine bars, the brasseries.
23:39But apart from that, I think it's the very special sense of community that I miss most.
23:45The football, the religious matches, the tenements.
23:49We've got tenements on draft down here, you know.
23:51Excuse me, please, Chris.
23:52Get that film crew out of here.
23:54I might be doing a bit of swearing in a minute.
23:56What do you do now, Sergeant McDaniel?
23:58Well, just wait, I think, is the best thing to do.
24:01It's no use rushing these things.
24:03Are you still doing breakfast, Sarge?
24:05Look, mate, there's little kiddies in there.
24:09And a woman.
24:10Little kiddies with the rest of their lives ahead of them.
24:12And a lovely, gorgeous, healthy girl, Wendy, who we've known and loved for years.
24:16She's going to have kiddies one day.
24:18And their kiddies are going to have kiddies and pets and things.
24:21Ted?
24:21Sir?
24:22Shut your face.
24:25That's enough talk.
24:26It's time for action.
24:28Kevin, you and me, we're going in.
24:30What do you mean, we're going in?
24:31I'll show you who's passed it.
24:33You want to join the CID?
24:34I'll show you how to retract your undercarriage.
24:39How long's it been now, Sergeant?
24:41Nearly 17 minutes.
24:43They must be getting a bit peckish.
24:44I'll find out if they want something to eat.
24:47Hello, Stan.
24:48It's me, Sarge.
24:50Oh, fine, thanks.
24:52You?
24:53Good, good.
24:55Just wanted to find out if you wanted something to eat.
24:58We've got some bite-sized chicken Kievs.
25:01Have you known?
25:02Sarge, while you're on, ask him if he'll give himself up.
25:05Oh, by the way, Stan, will you give yourself up?
25:09Right.
25:10Bye.
25:14Well?
25:16I think you'd better come through, sir.
25:17There's a list of demands.
25:18Richard?
25:24This is your father speaking.
25:25Put those guns down.
25:26I think you'd better listen to the demands first, Ben.
25:30All right, Stan.
25:31What are they?
25:32One.
25:33We want Mummy and Daddy to stop arguing every time they see each other.
25:36What?
25:37Well, it's her that starts it.
25:39If she joined the police force when I suggested it...
25:41Ben?
25:42Agreed.
25:44Two.
25:44We want Daddy to stop going on about Mummy joining the police force all the time.
25:48Agreed.
25:49Three.
25:50We want Daddy to stop drinking whiskey all by himself late at night when we stay with him.
25:54The German drinking songs keep us awake.
25:57Agreed.
25:58We realise Mummy and Daddy don't love each other any more, but they did once.
26:02Like the time we went on holiday together and visited the Heineken factory.
26:06No Mummy's gone on holiday with that horrid man, Roger.
26:09But we still love her, and we love you too, Daddy.
26:13Love, Richard and Richard.
26:17Boys.
26:18Boys, come here.
26:19Come here.
26:20Come here.
26:22Oh, that's beautiful.
26:28I've got him, sir.
26:29I've got him.
26:29Here he is.
26:30Here he is.
26:30Calm down, sir.
26:31Calm down, sir.
26:31It's all right.
26:32Brenda.
26:32Brenda, what are you doing?
26:33It's my wife.
26:34Brenda, what are you doing here?
26:36Who am I?
26:37Ted, where am I?
26:38Remember for a police station.
26:40Oh, I'm all right now.
26:43Well, he'll be fine, but the corsets are right off, I'm afraid.
26:47Well, Ben, I'll be off.
26:49I've got the chief constable of Surrey coming for dinner, and I'm doing satay prawns.
26:53You know, it's a funny thing.
26:54A lot of people think satay is a Malaysian dish, but it actually originates in Gala Shields.
27:01Right, come on, everybody.
27:02Let's clear this office.
27:03Ben!
27:04Ben!
27:05Judas?
27:05The boys and I start basic training at Hendall on Monday, Ben.
27:12At last.
27:14We can all go out on the beat together like a normal family.
27:17About Roger, Ben.
27:18He got his shoelace caught in the escalator at Gatwick, and was dragged in and got shredded
27:23to a pulp.
27:24But, Judith, that's marvellous news.
27:27This is the happiest day of my life, the happiest day of my life.
27:32I heard the news at the airport and got here as quickly as I could.
27:36Oh, Judith.
27:37Oh, Ben.
27:41Sir, your wife's here to see you.
27:45I heard the news at the airport and got here as quickly as possible.
27:48Oh, Judith, this is wonderful.
27:49Well, you're back.
27:49I'm so happy.
27:51Are the boys all right?
27:52Yes.
27:52Yes, sir.
27:53They're fine.
27:54Good.
27:54I'll be off, then.
27:55Judith!
27:56Wait!
27:58I'll get it right this time.
28:00I really am very sorry about your gadget.
28:04Go home to your wife, Stanley, and don't come back.
28:07Yeah, that's just what I'll do.
28:09Oily, no hard feelings.
28:10No hard feelings, Stan.
28:12Oh, oi.
28:13Oi.
28:13Have you paid for those flowers?
28:15No, they're from my wife.
28:16I'm afraid I'll have to place you under arrest, sir.
28:18You don't want to press charges, do you, Oily?
28:20Yes, I bloody well do.
28:22Well, Stanley, looks like you're nicked.
28:48Morning, Sarge.
29:04Morning, Sarge.
29:05Morning, Sarge.
29:05Morning, Sarge.
29:06Morning, Sarge.
29:07Morning, Sarge.
29:08Morning, Sarge.
29:09Morning, Sarge.
29:10Morning, Sarge.
29:11Morning, Sarge.
29:12Morning, Sarge.
29:13Morning, Sarge.
29:14Morning, Sarge.
29:15Morning, Sarge.
29:16Morning, Sarge.
29:17Morning, Sarge.
29:18Morning, Sarge.
29:19Morning, Sarge.
29:20Morning, Sarge.
29:21Morning, Sarge.
29:22Morning, Sarge.
29:23Morning, Sarge.
29:24Morning, Sarge.
29:25Morning, Sarge.
29:26Morning, Sarge.
29:27Morning, Sarge.
29:28Morning, Sarge.
29:29Morning, Sarge.
29:30Morning, Sarge.
29:31Morning, Sarge.
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