- 10 months ago
Police Station Comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh, my God.
00:30Morning, Sarge. Morning, Wendy. Starting a creche?
00:33No, Sarge. Soliciting.
00:35What, in uniform? Don't let Ben find out.
00:39Not me, yeah. Yeah, well, the baby's got to weep.
00:42Does the father know what you're up to? She hasn't got one.
00:44Everyone's got a father mitt, unless it was a miracle.
00:48Virgin birth is possible, of course. Happened to some woman in the Bible.
00:52Has she really ruined her Christmas?
00:55Morning, Wendy. Morning, sir.
00:57Well, what have we got here?
00:59We're not sure, sir, but we think it might be the new messiah.
01:04Soliciting, sir.
01:05Oh, I see. And what's the little fella's name, then?
01:08Amy.
01:09Amy? He's going to be in trouble at school with a name like that, isn't he?
01:13She's a girl.
01:14Well, that's your business.
01:15Morning, Sarge. Morning.
01:17Postman has me to give you this, Sarge.
01:19Ah, that must be the new riot gear I ordered.
01:21Oops, Sarge, will you have all you, Kevin?
01:23Yes, sir.
01:23If you'd like to come with me in this, Wendy.
01:28You know, you remind me of someone, Kevin.
01:32Do I?
01:33Who do I remind you of?
01:34Ever since you started, it's been preying on my mind.
01:37You look just like someone.
01:39Who is it?
01:40Paul McCartney?
01:42I know.
01:43The boring one out of the likely lads.
01:46What?
01:47The boring one.
01:48Bob.
01:49Where is it?
01:49Rodney Bewes.
01:50I don't look like him.
01:51You do?
01:52I don't.
01:53He's got sideboards.
01:54I haven't got sideboards.
01:55Look, have I got sideboards?
01:57Thelma's looking for you.
01:59You're not such.
02:00I found her outside Sainsbury's,
02:02going up to respectable married men
02:04and asking them if they wanted to do business.
02:06Yeah, well, that's what they say, ain't it?
02:07Who?
02:09Prostitutes.
02:09Or you can put a card in a newsagent's window saying,
02:12French lessons by Swedish masseuse.
02:15Or organs retuned by expert
02:17and funny curly writing and your telephone number.
02:19Well, why didn't you do that
02:20instead of bothering innocent shoppers?
02:23Well, I can't write and I haven't got a telephone.
02:26Can the baby come with me when I go to prison?
02:28Look, miss, what exactly are you doing here in Middleford?
02:31I never wanted to come to this dump.
02:33It was the nearest the lorry driver could drop me.
02:35I wanted to go to King's Cross
02:36and be a tragic teenage prostitute
02:38like on all the documentaries.
02:40Wendy, Wendy, Wendy,
02:42what sort of society have we produced?
02:46Miss, take my advice.
02:48Go home and make peace with your family.
02:51And here, take this.
02:54Well, what is it?
02:55It's a Kit Kat wrapper.
02:56Put it in the bin on the way out, will you?
03:01Kevin, let's have a look at that riot gear.
03:05I don't know, Wendy,
03:06it makes you in a week, doesn't it?
03:07What's that, sir?
03:08Those documentaries about seal culling.
03:12Here it is, sir.
03:13Excellent, excellent.
03:16Just like you see them wearing on the news
03:17on the streets of Prague.
03:20It's in Lescota's next.
03:22Just a minute, Kevin.
03:23We're expecting a visit from a school party this morning
03:28and I'd like you two to show them around.
03:31You being a graduate and an ex-teacher, Kevin,
03:33and you, Wendy, being, um, short.
03:37How old are they, sir?
03:39Oh, just little kiddies, I think,
03:40but nevertheless, all potential recruits.
03:43So, be sure to show the police
03:45in the best possible light.
03:46Try and look concerned at all times
03:48and if you get a chance, drop your payslip.
03:51What if they get rowdy, sir?
03:53Oh, don't worry, Kevin,
03:54I'm sure you'll get on famously with them.
03:56They're from Middleford High School.
03:58You used to teach there, didn't you?
04:00Oh!
04:02Excuse me.
04:03Yeah?
04:04We're from Middleford High School.
04:06So what?
04:07We've come for the tour.
04:09This isn't a stately home.
04:11We don't do schools visits.
04:12But it was arranged weeks ago.
04:15Do I look like the lions of Longleat, madam?
04:18Well?
04:19Well, perhaps you're hoping to buy a sticker
04:20for the back of your car
04:21saying, I have seen the pigs of Middleford.
04:25Well?
04:26Well, shum off, then.
04:27Sergeant, I think you should know
04:29that we are a six-form sociology group.
04:32Well, get you.
04:33And I shall be making a note
04:35of every single word you say.
04:37Really?
04:39Uh, constable?
04:39Yes, sir?
04:40There are a couple of black people in the cells.
04:42Pop down and beat them to death, would you?
04:44Yes, sir?
04:46I shall be reporting your behaviour.
04:48To the appropriate authorities.
04:50That was satire, madam.
04:52What?
04:53I was satirising the stereotypical notion
04:55that all policemen are racist.
04:57It was a joke.
05:01Dye the pigs.
05:03Sir?
05:04Ah, sir, I nearly forgot.
05:06We've got some visitors due any moment.
05:08Party of sixth form was from Middleford High School.
05:10Any sign of them?
05:11Uh, no, sir.
05:12Well, let me know when they get here, will you?
05:13Yes, sir.
05:14The party from Middleford High School are here, sir.
05:20Thank you, Sarge.
05:22Well, right then.
05:24Let's go and meet them, shall we?
05:25Well, I'd rather not, if you don't mind, sir.
05:28You know, it's just that when I was teaching there,
05:29I didn't get on that well with some of you.
05:31It's not that I had discipline problems as such.
05:32Oh, stop whinging, Kevin.
05:34Come on.
05:37Ah, you must be the kiddies.
05:40I'd just like to say that we are delighted
05:42that you've shown an interest in joining the force.
05:44What's the other part?
05:45I'm joining the force.
05:46Whatever the colour of your skin,
05:48however weird your haircut,
05:50however way out your clothes,
05:53I believe that inside every teenager
05:54there's a policeman trying to get out.
05:56Today's spotty hooligan
05:59is tomorrow's detective chief inspector.
06:02Now, any questions?
06:03Yes.
06:04Yes, you, the kiddie at the front.
06:06I'm the teacher.
06:08Blimey.
06:09They say you know you're getting older
06:10when the teachers look young.
06:12Yes, miss, what did you want to ask?
06:14My students aren't here as recruits.
06:17They're here as part of an A-level sociology course module.
06:20I didn't understand that question.
06:26Now, I'd like to hand you over to our two PCs,
06:29Wendy and Kevin, who will show you around.
06:32Kevin, go and get him, Wendy.
06:33Yes, sir.
06:34You're going well with Kevin.
06:35He used to be a teacher.
06:38Come on, Kevin, take that mask off.
06:40I'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.
06:42Come on, Kevin, we haven't got all day.
06:43It's broken!
06:45Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
06:47Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
06:48Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
06:50Rodney! Rodney! Rodney! Rodney!
06:55Terribly sorry, everybody.
06:59I was cleaning it.
07:01It went off by accident.
07:03Why are they calling you Rodney, Kevin?
07:06Buse.
07:07What?
07:08Rodney Buse.
07:11Very funny. Kids, eh?
07:13Carry on, Wendy.
07:14Yes, sir.
07:15Oh, what happened to you?
07:17What is...
07:18Right, this is the foyer,
07:20which is where you'd enter the police station
07:22if you'd been nicked.
07:24It's also where you'd stand
07:25if an officer was giving you a tour
07:26of the police station,
07:28like what I'm doing now.
07:30In the unlikely event of an emergency,
07:32exits are here and here.
07:36Right, if you'd like to follow me,
07:37I'll show you the corridor,
07:38which is what links all our rooms together.
07:40Keep your eye on the truncheon.
07:57Hello, Kevin.
07:59Ellen, hello.
08:01It's been a long time.
08:05What else?
08:06Oh, you know.
08:08Oh, you mean, um...
08:09Yes.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Ellen, why...
08:13Oh, don't ask.
08:15OK.
08:20It's difficult.
08:22Oh, it certainly is.
08:23I'm glad we've spoken.
08:31I'll go now.
08:32No, Ellen, wait.
08:33Don't go.
08:34Why not?
08:35I don't know what you're on about.
08:42Booker, Sarge.
08:43Oh, not you again.
08:45Yeah, they stopped you on the station
08:46trying to get on a train to Manchester
08:48without a ticket.
08:49Best ring appearance.
08:50Oh, no.
08:50Want me to have a good spare?
08:52Number?
08:54061-229-0121.
08:59He's a nutter.
09:00He wants it a rabbit watch for a bit.
09:03Hello?
09:04This is Middleford Police Station.
09:06We have your daughter.
09:09Oh, I see.
09:10What's up, Sarge?
09:11Wrong number.
09:12She's given us Salford Dile of Pizza.
09:14Dile of Pizza?
09:15I'll give it.
09:17Hello?
09:18Do you do a Four Seasons?
09:21Yeah, well, I'll have one
09:21with extra anchovies and pepperoni.
09:24Yeah, Middleford Police Station.
09:25Second exit off the M25.
09:27You kids, you don't know
09:29the worry you cause your parents.
09:33Leave her alone, Ted.
09:35What's going on?
09:37I've got Lord Lucan on the phone
09:38and I'm trying to persuade him
09:39to tell me where he is.
09:43Ted made a cry, sir.
09:45I never.
09:45You did so.
09:46I want to go back to Manchester.
09:48Just sort it out, Ted.
09:50And keep the noise down.
09:51He's on a very bad line.
09:53I've a feeling he's phoning from Jersey.
09:55I think I can hear tomatoes in the background.
09:59All right.
09:59How much is the fair bank of Manchester?
10:0230 quid.
10:03He's one out of 10 peas now.
10:06All right.
10:0630 quid.
10:07That's a tenner each.
10:08Kevin?
10:08Er, I haven't got any tenners.
10:11I've just got two twenties, Ted.
10:12They'll have to do.
10:13Give me a.
10:14Sarge?
10:15There's a fiver in the petty cash.
10:16Right.
10:17My contribution.
10:19There you go.
10:2130 quid, darling.
10:22Thanks.
10:23And, er, count yourself lucky.
10:26You've stumbled across coppers with kind hearts.
10:29Now shove off!
10:32Ted, I gave you 40 quid towards that ticket.
10:34Ah, yeah.
10:35Well, you see, Kevin,
10:35that's because it's a blue saver day
10:37as opposed to a white saver day
10:39except if you're travelling
10:40before or after four o'clock
10:42on trains that pass through Reading.
10:44So what are you saying?
10:45You owe me a fiver, Kevin.
10:49There you go.
10:54I don't know, Sarge.
10:56Kids these days, eh?
10:58I'll blame the parents.
10:59Oh, you're right there, Ted.
11:01If there weren't any parents,
11:02there wouldn't be any kids.
11:03We wouldn't have a problem.
11:04The trouble is,
11:05they let the wrong sort of people become parents.
11:07You know, I saw a bloke on telly the other night
11:10who was in favour of the compulsory sterilisation
11:12of anyone who wasn't a policeman.
11:14Ah, the new home secretary.
11:16Mm-mm.
11:16I think he was the president of Paraguay
11:18or something.
11:18He had a very impressive uniform.
11:21Chunky, chunky epaulets.
11:24Mind you,
11:24if me and Brenda had been stricter with our Simon,
11:26we wouldn't have half the problems we've got now.
11:28Now, I think they should bring back the Boots.
11:31I think they should bring back Cracker Jack.
11:34Mind you,
11:34Peter Glaze is dead, isn't he?
11:37Hello, Inspector.
11:40Lord Lucan here again.
11:42No, I'd manage to find some 10-piece.
11:44Oh, God!
11:45Oh, God!
11:46Oh, God, God!
11:47Now, these are the cells where we lock people up.
11:51Yeah, the paint is, of course,
11:53lead free in case any, uh,
11:54criminals try to kill themselves by licking the walls.
11:57Don't you ever worry about locking up the wrong people?
12:00No.
12:01No, cos they're handcuffed to us
12:02when we're taken down the stairs,
12:03so there's no chance of any mix-up.
12:05Why isn't there an independent body
12:07to investigate complaints against the police?
12:10I don't know.
12:10I never think about it.
12:12I'm a copper, not a politician.
12:14Well, isn't it about time you did think about it?
12:16Oh, you do go on, don't you?
12:19We had a girl like you in our class.
12:22All blooming neat handwriting
12:24and Tupperware lunchboxes.
12:27Do you know what we did to her?
12:29We wrote,
12:29Valerie Pipe's got VD in Wee Killer
12:32right across the hockey pitch.
12:34That's like, for years.
12:36All right, then, follow me.
12:37I'll show you the ladies' loo.
12:39That's where police women go to the toilet.
12:42Then I'll show you the car park.
12:44That's where police men go to the toilet.
12:46I know, Mum.
12:48Mum, listen.
12:49Yeah.
12:49Yeah, yeah.
12:50Yes.
12:51Yes, I will.
12:52So, so, look.
12:54Every time I ask you, plunker.
12:57Look, Mum, Mum, I've got to dash now.
12:59I think I might have to go catch some criminals.
13:01Look, I'll see you at the weekend, all right.
13:02Oh, and by the way,
13:03I've got quite a lot of dirty laundry
13:04and I was wondering...
13:05Oh, great.
13:06Thanks a lot, Mum.
13:07See you.
13:07Ta-da.
13:08It was the last day of your last term at school.
13:17Was it?
13:18Why did you stand me up?
13:21I was ashamed of being a failure as a teacher.
13:24I drove into town for our date,
13:26but I just sat there in the car.
13:29I sat and watched you standing there in the rain
13:31outside the spud you like for over an hour.
13:33It was very moving, Alan.
13:37But I wasn't at the spud you like.
13:40They arranged to meet at the Clarence.
13:42Did we?
13:43Oh, I must have been watching someone else then.
13:46It was still quite moving now.
13:47Look, Kevin,
13:49I, er...
13:51I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.
13:53You were standing round the corner listening.
13:56That's why I couldn't help overhearing.
13:58Look, Kevin,
13:59you shouldn't be ashamed of giving up teaching
14:01just because you're a disaster at it.
14:03He's right.
14:04Not everyone's cut out to be a teacher.
14:06I mean, look at Sting.
14:07He left teaching,
14:08and look what happened to him.
14:09What?
14:10Has something happened to Sting?
14:12No, I...
14:13Well, is he all right?
14:14Yes.
14:14Oh, thank God for that.
14:17Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
14:20Walking on the moon.
14:22Mark.
14:23Mark.
14:24I was ashamed of joining the police.
14:27Sting joined the police,
14:28and it didn't do him any harm.
14:29And, Kevin,
14:31I don't think you look like Rodney Bewes.
14:35I think you look like Paul McCartney.
14:37Paul McCartney?
14:39Bah!
14:40Band on the run.
14:42You know, I really like you, Kevin.
14:45You're not afraid of your emotions, are you?
14:49Emotions?
14:49No, no, they don't scare me a bit.
14:51Oh, a lot of men are.
14:52I'm scared of dogs.
14:53Love, jealousy, pain, passion, sexual desire.
14:58Those big black dogs that eat babies.
15:00I'm really scared of them.
15:01Come on, you girls.
15:02Come on, you girls.
15:02Come on, you girls.
15:03Come on, you girls.
15:04Come on, you girls.
15:06Come on, you girls.
15:10Kiss me.
15:11Alsatians.
15:12Dobermans.
15:13Rock violers.
15:14Yeah, Robert.
15:15Carry on, Kevin.
15:16It's all part of the job.
15:19Oi, just pack it in, will you?
15:21Yeah, scared I'd find a Ledgefield truncheon.
15:24Oh, you're too good to be true, you are.
15:28I don't know what's up with young people today.
15:29When I was your age, I wasn't spying on the police.
15:32Oh, with that in the precinct, drinking tea and Maria
15:34and making appointments down the family planning clinic.
15:38Good work, Wendy.
15:40Finish the tour?
15:40Yes, sir.
15:41Right.
15:42Good, good.
15:43Right then.
15:45Well, I hope what you've seen today
15:47will encourage some of you to join us here in the force.
15:50Now, any questions?
15:52Yes.
15:53Why do so few women reach the rank of inspector?
15:57Is it because the police force is a sexist organisation?
16:08Any of the boys got a question?
16:11Sir?
16:12Yes, far away, laddie.
16:13What animal's got an arsehole in the middle of its back?
16:18I don't know.
16:19What animal has got an arsehole in the middle of its back?
16:22A police force.
16:24Oh, sorry, Ben.
16:25Oh, no!
16:26Well, well, well.
16:28I've been looking for you.
16:29Look, I ain't done nothing.
16:31What's he done, Ted?
16:32He's mine, Ben.
16:33I've been after this piece of human effluent for days.
16:37Come on.
16:38Let's play I'm a big hungry lion
16:39and you're a little pork chop.
16:41Come here!
16:41Ted!
16:44Come back here!
16:45Stop him!
16:45Ted!
16:46Ted!
16:47Ted!
16:49Ted!
16:50Ted!
16:50Whoops!
16:53You're hurting me!
16:54You think that hurts, matey?
16:56That's nothing.
16:57I'll make you rue the day you ever set foot in this station.
16:59Keep him alone!
17:00Ted!
17:01What is going on here?
17:04Here.
17:05Yes!
17:07Get off him, Ted!
17:08Now, what's the lad supposed to have done exactly?
17:13He's evil, sir.
17:15Evil?
17:16Yes, sir.
17:16Well, that in itself is not against the law.
17:18Ted, evil in what way?
17:19I, um...
17:20I caught him riding his bike with no lights, sir.
17:24Didn't I?
17:25Yeah.
17:26Riding a bike without lights?
17:28Hardly the work of Beelzebub, is it, Ted?
17:30He had a very evil look in his eyes, sir.
17:34You know, the way they, the way they crouched over the handlebars, looking all evil, with
17:38the lights coming up, evilly.
17:41I thought you said he didn't have any lights.
17:42Oh, it was very difficult to tell, sir.
17:44Had the sun in me eyes.
17:48So, it was a complete stroke of luck that the villain just happened to wander into the
17:51station today?
17:52Yes, sir.
17:53I see.
18:00Well, perhaps now, Ted, you can take a statement off him in the accepted manner.
18:05I thought you didn't want me sitting on his chest, sir.
18:12Inspector, Simon doesn't own a bike, so your colleague's lying.
18:17And Simon's covering up for him.
18:19So, what are you going to do about it?
18:21Inspector.
18:22Inspector.
18:24Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
18:26I was just wondering why Ted was lying, why the lab was covering up for him, and what
18:29on earth I'm going to do about it.
18:32I know.
18:33Sarge, get him some tea-flavoured drinks, will you?
18:36Kevin, hold the fort.
18:37Give over.
18:38I didn't steal nothing.
18:40Oh, well, Mary.
18:42Smartened yourself up, I see.
18:43Tell him I didn't steal that money.
18:46She didn't steal that money.
18:47What money?
18:48The manager of Miss Selfridge has complained, sir.
18:51Said she'd been hanging around all morning, and then suddenly had a handful of tenors.
18:57Wrench had nicked it.
18:58Oh, we gave her £30 for a train fare to Manchester.
19:01£30, though?
19:02How much of it was yours, Kibby?
19:04£40, sir.
19:05Well, I'm impressed.
19:08I'm very impressed.
19:10Thank you, sir.
19:10You got that marvellous sweater for only £30.
19:13And the shoes.
19:14And the shoes as well.
19:15What was the name of this shop?
19:17Miss Selfridge.
19:18Well, I must pop down there and pick myself out a new pair of slacks.
19:22Oh, no, no, she's sleeping.
19:25Oh, sorry.
19:26Look, have you thought about getting yourself a job?
19:28Oh, yeah, I've always fancied being a chat show hostess.
19:31I'd like to interview that Geoffrey Archer.
19:33Well, I'd like to arrest him, but there's no point in living in a fantasy world, is there?
19:38Look, miss, why don't you pop down the job centre and see if they can fix you up with something a bit more realistic, eh?
19:43Oh, but can't I stay here?
19:45I mean, I've got Amy's nappy to change.
19:47You know, if you're not out of my station by the time I count five, I could hold you for seven days under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
19:53One.
19:56Two.
19:59Tea-flavoured drinks, Ted?
20:00Thanks, sir.
20:02Got any biscuits?
20:03Nope.
20:07That's disgusting.
20:09It's got no flavour.
20:10It's tea-flavoured.
20:11I can't drink it without biscuits.
20:13I haven't got any biscuits.
20:14Oh, give the lad some biscuits, sir.
20:15Oh, for Pete's sake.
20:17What kind of biscuits?
20:19Chocolate hobnobs.
20:20How many?
20:21Four.
20:21Three.
20:28Mint's pie, Ted?
20:29No, thanks, Sarge. I'm all right.
20:33Fine!
20:35Yeah, Sarman.
20:36Where you been for the last three days?
20:39I'm staying around Lynn's house.
20:40Lynn?
20:41Who the hell's Lynn?
20:42She's my girlfriend, Dad.
20:44Son, son, what are you doing with your life?
20:47Hey!
20:48Who was she?
20:49Some older woman?
20:50Hey!
20:50Some tragic bald housewife sucking out your youthful manly juices like an oversexed hoover?
20:55I go to school with her, then.
20:57You take this raddle old bag to school, will you?
20:59What's your teacher's going to say?
21:00What's her husband going to say?
21:01Look, she hasn't got a husband.
21:03Why don't you listen?
21:04Lynn goes to school with me.
21:07We're in love.
21:08Well, I hope you're careful, son.
21:09Contraception.
21:12Oh, yeah.
21:13Of course I was careful.
21:14I used the old wrapper off the liver pate.
21:17Lynn, what did we go wrong?
21:20You're disgusting.
21:21Look, she's only helping me with my schoolwork.
21:24And so are her parents.
21:26Which is more than you and Mum ever did.
21:28I want to get some qualifications, right?
21:30I don't want to end up in a crappy dead-end job like you.
21:32Look, Simon, I know I haven't been the best father in the world.
21:39But at least me and your mum aren't divorced like all your mates' parents.
21:42Oh, come off it.
21:43You have to be married before you can be divorced.
21:47Come home, Simon.
21:49What for?
21:50We miss you.
21:52Tell you what, you can bring that Lynn round.
21:54Hey, me and your mum would love to meet them.
21:55No way.
21:57I don't want her meeting you.
22:00You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
22:01Too right.
22:02All my mates think my dad's a record producer.
22:05You know, Simon, in a funny way,
22:09you being ashamed of me makes me proud to be your dad.
22:14Come home, son.
22:16We love you.
22:18All right, all right.
22:19That's my boy.
22:20That's my boy.
22:22Now, when you do come home, you've got to be a bit more tidy.
22:25No more peeing in the sink.
22:27You know how it upsets your mum?
22:29It's her fault, isn't it?
22:30She shouldn't leave it full of dishes.
22:32And remember what I said.
22:37Don't go being naughty or you'll get into trouble with a bobby.
22:41Feel all right, Ted.
22:42That kid comes from a broken home, sir.
22:45Yeah, his parents are animals.
22:46Animals.
22:47No, I think he looks up to me as a sort of father figure.
22:50The recycling offence was just a cry for help.
22:54You're, uh, you're free to go, lad.
22:59Cheers, Ted.
23:00Inspector, I want you to know that I have also been recording everything that has been happening here today.
23:13And I should be passing copies on to my MP, the Guardian, and the new musical express.
23:19Well, miss, if you have a complaint, it should be processed through the standard police complaints procedure.
23:26Well, what do I do then?
23:28Ooh, you have to fill in a form.
23:31And the form is picked up by an express dispatch rider and backed over to our regional headquarters.
23:35From there, it's taken in a police minibus to Scotland Yard, where all the complaints are transferred into wirebasket trolleys and brought up in the lift to the eighth floor, where six copies are made.
23:44They're then taken down by hand to the fourth floor boardroom, where the complaints committee meets on the second Friday of every other month.
23:48That sounds like a ridiculously complicated process.
23:52Yes, we do get a lot of complaints about it.
23:55Look, darling, I don't think the newspapers are going to be interested in your little tape.
23:59So why don't you give it here, eh?
24:01Drop dead, dog breath.
24:02I said give it here.
24:04Give it here.
24:04Get it!
24:07Somebody leave her alone, Dad.
24:10Dad?
24:11That's your father?
24:14Yeah, that's right, everybody.
24:15You heard.
24:16This thing is my son.
24:17Look, I didn't want you to find out, Lynn.
24:20I thought if you knew, you wouldn't love me no more.
24:24Lynn?
24:25This is Lynn?
24:27She's lovely, Simon.
24:30You're lovely, aren't you, darling?
24:32Get that tape off, will you, Simon?
24:33Yes, darling, Dad.
24:36Come along, then.
24:37The minibus will be here.
24:38Come on.
24:43Don't forget, Ellen, at eight o'clock outside Cagney's.
24:45We're only meeting for a drink, Wendy.
24:49Word of warning, though, Kevin, when you do take her out, make sure Thelma doesn't find out.
24:58Good night, everyone.
24:59Good night, sir.
25:00Going somewhere nice to you, sir?
25:02Yes, Beckles.
25:03I'm meeting Lord Lucan under the market clock.
25:07Here, Sarge.
25:09This is a good one.
25:11What animal has got a bottom in the middle of its back?
25:14I don't know, sir.
25:15A horse.
25:18A horse, Sarge.
25:20Very good, sir.
25:21Very good.
25:24Come on.
25:24Four o'clock.
25:26Sun's over the yard, darling.
25:27Oh, yeah.
25:27Large Jack Daniels, please, Sarge.
25:29Gin a tonic, please, Sarge.
25:30Have one yourself.
25:30Thanks so much, Ted.
25:32Hello.
25:33Hello.
25:34I've just come to say thanks.
25:35Oh, that's all right.
25:36Did you go down the job centre?
25:37Yeah, but they don't hold out much hope.
25:40They said I had a bad attitude.
25:41I suppose it doesn't help if you've got no qualifications, either.
25:44Hmm.
25:45They said I could join the police.
25:48Four seasons with extra pepperoni and anjuvins.
25:51Yes, please.
25:53Hang on, Sarge, that's mine.
25:54I ordered it.
25:55I'm having it.
25:55Go hards with your tent.
25:57No chance.
25:58How much, sir?
25:59320.
26:00And 47 quid delivery charge from Salford.
26:02I'll have a few, bud.
26:05Er, I'm from Salford.
26:07Yeah.
26:07Are you going back?
26:09Yeah.
26:09Can I have a lift on the back of your bike?
26:11Yeah.
26:11Right, then, come on.
26:12See ya.
26:14What about the baby?
26:16What baby?
26:16It's full of food.
26:22She must have nicked him.
26:23Well, what are we going to do?
26:25We could do a running buffet.
26:28I bet you that girl's poor parents.
26:30You give all your life to your kids and what do you get in return?
26:32Nothing.
26:33Hello, Dad.
26:36What do you want, you evil git?
26:39Me and Lynn had a little chat and, er, we thought you might like Lynn's tape.
26:43Oh, son.
26:48I wronged you.
26:50What can I say?
26:53Look, everyone.
26:54We're a family again.
26:56I thought I'd lost a son, but I've gained a lovely daughter.
27:00Oh.
27:01Do you know what we're going to do?
27:02We're going to celebrate.
27:03I'm going to ring your mum and the four of us can all go out for a nice slub-up meal.
27:07Eh?
27:07Somewhere nice.
27:08Fancy a chinky.
27:13I'll be right back.
27:33Bye.
27:38Bye.
27:38Bye.
27:38Bye.
27:38Bye.
27:41Bye.
27:41Morning, Sarge.
27:50Morning, Sarge.
27:50Morning, Sarge.
27:51Morning, Sarge.
Comments