- 06/05/2025
Police Station Comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00.
00:28Morning, Sarge.
00:29morning Ted anything you want to say to me Ted no not really Ben now I'm just
00:36finishing that report which report you know that young girl got robbed the
00:41students selling magazines for charity but got away with a bag containing 987
00:47quid oh yes the ragbag black pathetic she makes the guy in a pump he runs off
00:54with the cash after spending the night with her turns out he's an ex-con so
00:58that means it's an old lag ragbag shag black yes it is the police gazette we
01:04should win the prize this month pass us that pencil would you tell right where's
01:08the post I'll open it in a minute sir I'm busy what are you doing Sarge do it
01:13yourself sir you bloody do it you started it well if there are any cakes or
01:19parcels I'll be in my office excuse me oh you don't be so rude before I get
01:24yes sir is that any spelled diabolical Liberty no it is not and it's two words
01:29not one excuse me I warned you once but I brought you my documents do you want a
01:34tea-flavored drink so coffee flavor please with cream flavored powder I brought you
01:39me documents really yes well you see a policeman stopped my car walked around
01:44it shone a torch at it kicked the wheels tut tuted and told me to bring you my
01:48documents right what do we got here documents birth certificate dog license
01:54kidney donor card British Legion membership Kenwood chef guarantee you've
02:01got egg on your tie yes I know but I've never broken the law in me life I'll do
02:06anything I possibly can to cooperate I think the police are a marvelous
02:10organization go away we're closed here you go Sarge I'll look over my report
02:16when you've got a minute will you correct the spelling cross out the swearing if
02:20you would
02:24he's forgotten his papers all right Kenwood chef guarantee oh I call my brief you're
02:34well out of order there are occasions when domestic disputes become legitimate
02:38cause for police concern sir yeah like for instance when one party throws the
02:41other party's tropical fish tank out of a four-floor window onto the roof of my
02:44squad car he killed my fish still where would we be without it hey Ted what love
03:02I don't know down the pub probably when I see people in love like that it makes me realize how
03:08much I miss my poor Dorothy Ted in here now oh well I suppose I could get out more find myself a new
03:16romantic partner what's the matter we've been oh no he's not my type sure no it's police station
03:24we're allowed to see your inspector what for not telling you he's not in then Ted will you get your
03:31legs in here it's coming babe it's a pair of animals what so you sweep right pair of animals
03:41it's a mad ugly world out there well a mad ugly people do you know I cope with it oh yeah opera big
03:56fat foreign women doing all that controlled shrieking and warbling you can't whack it there's a couple
04:02of blokes to see you've been right pair of villains they look at all they got any presents on them no
04:08not as such well they can bloody wait then something bothering you been no cards no presents no cake not
04:16even a simple many happy returns of the day no one remembered remembered what it's my birthday of
04:22course it is it cooks it is you remembered oh yes very much so yes happy birthday what have you got me
04:29then Ted I got you um I got you um a Kenwood chef guarantee Kenwood chef eh god bless you Ted you're the
04:41best friend a man could wish for mind you I'm surprised that old nobby Clark nobby you we're on the beat
04:48together in Caterham he's a DI at the Met now but he's never forgotten my birthday until now the miserable
04:55bastard Sarge send those two blokes in I'll be offensive Ted before you go this chef what nationality is he
05:06perhaps it'd be better if I stayed Ben I didn't like the look of them blokes nasty bits of work mean
05:13dishonest vicious I am Detective Inspector Blundstone of the Metropolitan Police and this is Detective
05:19Sergeant Cole told you that'll be all now Sergeant leave us alone please yes sir so you're from the
05:28Met hey that's right the Met London the smoke the Big Apple the Windy City the land of a thousand
05:37dances you must know nobby Clark he's an inspector with the Met five foot nine silver gray hair
05:44likes a curry good at snooker swims like a fish bit of a joker born in Southend holiday home in the
05:51Algarve oh come on you must know him drives a car size nine shoes look if we could just get on with
05:57this we're here to conduct an internal investigation on behalf of the Home Office oh yes Sarge it's uh
06:08Ben's birthday I'm organizing a whip round for Kenwood's chef well you can count me out I went to the
06:15pictures last night and got stung by the RF benevolent fun so you get married in June are you don't make
06:26me laugh shut it Darren I'm talking to Angela slag what you uh it's Ben's birthday I'm organizing a
06:35whip round oh right yeah Sarge's putting a tenner I'll put in 20 yeah it's a bit difficult at the
06:40moment Ted oh Kevin you disappoint me no it's a bit difficult to get me wallet out my trousers oh
06:45no problem I'll get that mate here we go oh oh 40 quid very generous Kevin hang on I'm saying
06:52what's that that's me donor card in the event of serious injury I do not want to be visited in
06:57hospital by Margaret Thatcher communist Kevin hang on that 40 quid I was Angela oh yeah yeah we're
07:04getting married in June yet at four o'clock this morning your fiancee during a late night party at
07:1190 Addison Road your fiancee discovered you in the bath in a passionate embrace with his best friend
07:17well no one asked him to come in couldn't help it I had to go to the bog and I'd already started
07:21before I noticed them so you decided to go back to Angela's flat and throw a fish tank out of the
07:25window I love them fish I bloody love them fish yeah well that's the trouble isn't it you love them
07:30fish more than you love me them fish gave me more love in a day than you could ever give them in a
07:33lifetime that's why oh yeah yeah oh this is getting on my week read him a story or something Kevin I'll
07:38go and check the other rooms through yeah I think about it mate Saturday afternoon I bet you and your
07:44girlfriend are going to do something really nice well I haven't actually got a girl oh no we have to go
07:48down to the pet shop and get a week supply of live water fleas for her bleeding fish fish have got a
07:53week what's the matter with the dried stuff then get a tub of that like normal people doing it
07:57last you a good three months they can't eat that it clogs them up oh yeah Greg told you that did he
08:01the fish expert yeah he did actually is that what you was talking about in the bath then
08:05I tell you mate if you want to score with this one just talk about fish one mention of gill disease
08:09or fin rot and you're in I used to have terrapins did you see what I mean terrapins are really nice
08:15aren't they you've got dear little faces yeah my best one was called froggy his head fell off
08:19you smart bastards you're trying to chat I'm not a girl but I haven't got terrapins anymore
08:23you're dead pal right that's sorted Kevin take Angela through to room two what I'll kill him
08:29first what shall I talk to her about you're a copper Kevin not terry blinking wogan just take
08:34a statement I want to get Darren's side of the story come on then Kevin you're in big trouble pal
08:40you're dead you're in big trouble inspector is that your BMW outside no I've got the Morris
08:47Traveller oh Morris Traveller eh can we have the keys yes sir why just routine what's this all
08:57about Morris Travellers are antiques now how can a man on your salary afford to run a half-timbered car
09:03corruption inspector is a very serious crime corruption in Middleford now this is a wind-up
09:09Nobby Clark sent you inspector are you familiar with the practice of fabricating evidence against
09:14suspects fitting people up don't know what you're talking about have you never heard of the West
09:20Midland serious crime squad the Guilford for the Birmingham six I've heard of the Jackson five
09:25they're planning to come back apparently I'm commandeering your office inspector I shall be
09:31speaking to all your staff we'll want access to records of all interviews conducted in this station
09:36since 1972 we'll also require access to petty cash vouchers timesheets I'll get onto it now and your
09:43personal bank statements right one last question inspector John has eight apples Mary has five
09:52she gives two to John and three to James how many apples has John got what is this we'll ask the
09:59questions you answer them eight apples and a banana that'll be all how'd it go sir didn't go well Ted they got me
10:22rattled and I said I thought John had a banana Sarge those two are here to conduct an internal investigation
10:28they're gonna be turning the place upside down spread the word will you better get everyone
10:31together in the locker room then Ted banana stupid of me stupid could you sweep up the shavings and
10:39uh while you're at it bevel the grooves might of the joints and stick it up on the wall would you
10:43excuse me oh and if those two in there ask you any questions say nothing excuse me oh you again
10:51sorry about that pixel this morning sergeant I brought the wrong documents I was only trying
10:56to help I think the police are doing a marvelous job he only had three apples Mary gave them to him
11:02I've got your documents to give you back thanks I brought the right ones this time oh good I'll use
11:09that part of the rest of my life looking at them shall I uh MOT yeah that seems in order license lost it
11:16sorry sorry I know your job is difficult enough as it is I don't know why people knock you whenever
11:23you do something wrong I think you're right any other form of identification yes oh hey it's him all
11:31right that's my mother how do I know that's your mother I suppose you don't I'll go home and get dad
11:39he'll recognize her please don't get dad just go away and take this allegedly maternal crone with you
11:47the british bobby finest in the world I think we should give you lads everything you ask for
11:53greater pairs of arrest nerve gas after all there's only you standing between us and a police state
12:01I could kill you now and no one would ever know
12:12they must have fitted him up with the banana
12:16so I gave up teaching geography and became a policeman well there's not much else to tell really
12:21uh live in digs I've had my appendix out and I'm an aquarium you've got so much in common
12:27I've got an aquarium too used to well kevin how's the fight against crime going that degree coming
12:37in handy yeah I'm just taking a statement yeah we'll get your ass in the locker room
12:40massage what's the word with us all I can't really well take the little lady with you
12:44any excuse to be in the same room as me hey darling come on you can't take your eyes off me
12:50a minute sweet ass you fancy me don't you you know I'll rip my clothes off right now and have
12:55me over this table if it take the weight kevin don't you ever hit me again
13:06look this is ridiculous when can I expect my office back is that alcohol I could smell on your
13:11breath inspector no that's old spice drinking aftershave eh this is worse than we thought
13:17would you mind blowing into this you what the bloke I know in the philharmonic says you've got
13:23to be pissed to play one properly I've really enjoyed talking to you Angela I usually find it
13:30difficult talking to girls but you're different you're not like my last girlfriend well you don't
13:34keep on saying shut up and buy me another perno come in kevin right a word of warning everyone
13:42there are a couple of blokes here from the met for some sort of internal investigation now as we
13:48all know our crime figures are not all that impressive so it would help if we could all make
13:52that extra little bit of effort today and make a few arrests alternatively if anybody has any
14:00relatives who wouldn't mind coming in and pretending to be criminals for the afternoon
14:04it would help us to put on a bit of a show well my flatmate will probably do that it'll be a laugh
14:09well your flatmate come off it wendy she's a nurse they'd never believe she was a villain well they're
14:13from the met aren't they yeah oh she's black that's usually enough to convince them oh yeah well and
14:20obviously of course the bar will be closed sorry and we won't be having the racing off okay the
14:26do all afternoon i thought perhaps you might go out on the beat now finally remember these blokes will
14:34be snooping around all day and may well go through the lockers not that it's anything to worry about
14:39i'm sure no one's got anything to hide
14:41what's going on um a scavenger hunt ben what uh you know uh sponsored scavenger hunt raised a few
15:01quid for the sick donkeys excellent idea here uh put me down for a fiver oh thank you very much
15:10here ben cover word certainly dead no not here outside why well it's uh the young girl's got the
15:17hots for me a bit awkward you have many girlfriends in kevin no not not really uh actually i'm bisexual
15:27oh yeah i've had two girlfriends
15:32oh ben listen look i'm worried i don't mind admitting it we don't see what this could mean
15:38an internal investigation i mean it might be right for some of these younger lads they've got
15:42nothing to hide you mean it could be devastating for a bloke my age i'm sorry ted everyone's got to
15:47take their turn ben look i'll see what i can do but they're calling the shots
15:52what's going on inspector have you ever taken any illegal drugs cocaine crack cannabis resin well
16:07i like a drop a night nurse with my cocoa what do you call this
16:14so it's a plant are you saying someone else put it there no so you admit it's yours yes it's a cactus
16:21that's what they all say inspector we'll just have to see what forensic make of it won't we
16:25whether they agree with you or confirm my suspicions that's some form of spiky reefer
16:30right let's do the rest of the station see if we can't find any more cactuses
16:41you got a receipt for that microwave sergeant no i got it cheap of a bloke i met in the pub
16:46right darren if we could just um run through this again you've been going out with angela every
17:00saturday night for five years yet you have never one commented favorably on her appearance two bought
17:09her flowers or three told her that you love her is that right yeah i suppose so it's not really
17:15surprising the poor girl's got obsessed with tropical fish is it and then there's the matter
17:21of personal hygiene cleanliness darren it's very important to a woman and quite frankly i've met
17:28dead dogs that smell better than you i'll get scaly eczema if i have too many buffs
17:35you're not a bad looking bloke even though you do stink i think if you if you smartened yourself up and
17:42washed a bit more often you could make angela very happy do you really think so because i do
17:49love her you know then you must tell her that i can't i just can't say the words it makes me feel
17:56i don't know stupid darren admitting your feelings is one of the strongest things a man can do
18:04saying them them three little words can make you feel like the most powerful person in the world
18:11doesn't matter whether it's your nicked sunshine to a villain or i love you to your girlfriend
18:18try it what now yes darren now
18:21you're nicked sunshine
18:37right sergeant we've seen everything we wanted to see we're ready to start seeing people now
18:42look sarge uh i'd like to go first get it over and done with fair enough ted good luck thanks
18:51god i'm dreading this don't worry ted i'm sure you've got nothing to worry about
18:54well what have we got here right sergeant order shot i trust we can rely on your full
19:10cooperation yeah yeah yeah let's get over and done with shall we
19:24all right move your feet it's probably easier if i start with the desk isn't it
19:43you're meant to wear one of them rubber gloves aren't you what do you mean you know for my internal
19:57investigation i think you've got the wrong end of the stick mate stick what stick
20:06right you should be able to go just as soon as when he's finished with darren
20:15yeah that's a smashing shelf it's nice to have a man about the house to do all them little odd jobs
20:20there's nothing sadder than a woman who has to do her own diy oh i don't know my sister's got her
20:24own black and decker workmate she lives alone in darlington i think that's tragic well it's not
20:31exactly picturesque but it's very handy for scotch corner in the north is she only slippery then your
20:37sister oh no she's solicitor she built her own pigeon loft really i'd love to have pigeons there's a
20:45lot of independent career women do their own diy these days angela yeah but they're not allowed to
20:48wear bras are they that's what puts me off i don't think pigeons have ever wanted to wear bras
20:54if you're independent you can do whatever you want that's the whole point you think it'll slow
20:57them up when they were racing yeah yeah have they gone yet sarge fred not sir wendy's in there now
21:04last one in oh what a waste of time that was what did they ask you when i wore my uniforms socially
21:11they asked you sarge they asked me what kind of tree chipboard came from
21:17i think they were just trying to psych me out excuse me something i want to say to angela oh yeah
21:24well i've got something i want to say to you first it's over darren i don't want to go out with
21:29you no more what read my lips stupid i'm chucking you blowing you out giving you the elbow oh i see
21:36so you're going out of him now are you no i'm not going out of anyone actually lesbian
21:41i'm going to be an independent career woman like a cosmopolitan how can you be a career woman if
21:45you're unemployed you silly cow i love you angela what i love you please will you still be my
21:58girlfriend i don't know oh go on will you let me be a career woman yeah and use that deodorant i bought
22:04you yeah i suppose all right what will i still be your girlfriend give her a kiss then darren
22:16and get some breakfast heads up jury's back don't worry sarge i know what's going on we've seen
22:24everyone we want to see inspector if you wouldn't mind step me through you want to see me now you
22:29don't give up do you this is priceless if you wouldn't mind inspector you're taking the piss
22:36nobby clark sent you for a birthday you're an investigation of gram aren't you hey
22:43i thought you're gonna strip off and sing a little jingle in a minute hey the home office will be in
22:47touch soon about this excuse for a police station this station's crime detection record is only
22:53rivaled by the one at trumpton you see there's a real sense of community here something you two
23:01wouldn't understand we at middle footer are like a tribe of indians with herbal remedies that you
23:09the white man just don't understand i'll be recommending your suspension in our report inspector
23:15enjoy the rest of your birthday and the remaining 45 minutes of your career i think i speak for everyone
23:21when i say that if you suspend the inspector you suspend us all yeah we'll be recommending that
23:27and all and sergeant we've been making a note of your activities what about them you need planning
23:33permission to put a giant cuckoo clock on the wall back to work everyone
23:44strange i can smell sausages it's the first sign of a brain tumor isn't it
23:51no sir it's your birthday present oh sarge you got me a microwave no sir i got you a sausage
24:01is that all my colleagues think i'm worth on my birthday a sausage well thank you thank you very
24:06much at least teddy didn't forget me what oh no no i didn't forget you no where did you say this chef
24:13was from ted uh kenwood and uh when did he get in here then a bit of a hold up ben the uh the immigration
24:20boys stopped him at heath row yeah he's banged up in terminal four with all the rabid dogs well that's
24:24an outrage i've got his guarantee here it's quite good actually says if he breaks down within five
24:31years they'll replace his parts he's got that to look forward to sir excuse me oh is that my kenwood
24:38chef guarantee only i left it with this officer earlier i see so uh this is yours yes it was a
24:48birthday present no no ben listen ben look i'm not a troublemaker believe me i'm on your side whatever
24:57goes on between you and some criminal in the back of a van is fine by me serves them right a good kick in
25:04the nuts never did anyone any harm i'll give you a good kick in the nuts if you don't shove off
25:12ted what happened to that 40 pounds i gave you towards ben's birthday present no i spent it kevin
25:16what on um on this sausage do you expect me to believe you spent that much on a sausage do you think
25:23i'm stupid it's a german sausage yeah yeah yeah you've heard of beaujolet nouveau well this is the
25:31bratwurst nouveau first of the season apparently it was only slipped into its skin yesterday afternoon
25:37and flown over from bavaria early this morning on a biplane astonishing really listen uh i'm sorry if i
25:48lost my temper earlier but if anyone would like to join me for a little birthday celebration there's
25:54some sherry and a few nibbles in my office bit difficult sir shifts just changing ted no sorry ben
26:02i'm due at a masonic doing five minutes is that my apron you're wearing wendy fancy a celebration
26:08sherry i've got to meet marina so we're going clubbing kevin i'd love to sir but it's football
26:13training tonight ta-da darren angela oh no i i think we have an early night i want to go to pub darren
26:21just a quick one no quick game of trivel again you're saying you'd be in the story
26:35well
27:05I don't know, I expected it of all the others, a bunch of time servers, but not of you, Nobby.
27:26I mean, the old friendships, they're, they're for life.
27:35Hello Ben, Nobby, Nobby, you remembered, business, not pleasure I'm afraid Ben, it's this inquiry, they asked me to tell you, you've been suspended,
28:05until further notice, I'm sorry Ben.
28:11Suspended? Really?
28:17No. Just joking.
28:20It was all a wind up! Give him his presents, lads!
28:24Please, we have to wait for another second!
28:26Let's go!
28:28Let's go!
28:30Let's go!
28:34Let's go!
28:36Let's go!
28:40Let's go!
28:42Let's go!
28:46Let's go!
28:48Let's go!
28:52Let's go!
28:54Let's go!
28:58Let's go!
29:00Let's go!
29:04Let's go!
29:05Let's go!
29:06Let's go!
29:07Let's go!
29:08Let's go!
29:09Let's go!
29:10Let's go!
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