- 06/05/2025
Police Station Comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00AVAILABLE NOW
00:30Morning, Sarge. Morning.
00:32There's two more posters to stick up, Sarge.
00:34Where do they expect us to put them?
00:36I'll have to take down the drink-driving poster.
00:39Never did like the slogan.
00:45Pass the blue tack, Kevin.
00:47Oh, sorry, Sarge, there's none left.
00:49Can I get you a tea-flavoured drink?
00:51Thanks. Morning, Sarge.
00:52Ooh, a letter for you, Wendy.
00:54Looks official.
00:55It's got a picture of the Queen on it.
00:57That's a stamp, Sarge.
01:00Morning, Sarge.
01:02Nice weekend, sir.
01:04What?
01:05Did you have a nice weekend, sir?
01:06When?
01:07On Saturday and Sunday, sir.
01:09In the residential course.
01:11Oh, yes, sir.
01:13Most instructive, it was.
01:15Saturday daytime, we did counselling
01:17and pastoral guidance in the police station.
01:19Saturday night was the habitual criminal,
01:21a cry for help, question mark.
01:24And on Sunday, we had a seminar
01:26with the police attitudes to the homosexual community.
01:29And on Sunday night, we had a disco.
01:31Ooh, that must have been fucked.
01:32Not bad at all, actually.
01:34Considering there were 180 senior police officers
01:37and only one woman.
01:41Got a bit ugly at the end, though.
01:44Fight broke out.
01:45Neighbours called the police.
01:47Give us a scotch egg, Sarge.
01:49Eat here or take away, sir?
01:51Take away, please.
01:54You know, Sarge, this course has got me thinking.
01:57We don't talk enough in this police station.
01:59We're talking now, sir.
02:00Oh, not really talking.
02:02You and I, Sarge, we should have a proper chat.
02:05Certainly, sir.
02:06You start, then.
02:07Start what?
02:08The chat.
02:09You go first.
02:10Can't think of anything, sir.
02:11If you repress your emotions, Sarge, you'll get cancer.
02:12Morning, Kevin.
02:13Morning, sir.
02:14You can tell me anything you want to, you know, Kevin.
02:15I'll be in my office should you feel the need to share anything with me.
02:17Thank you very much.
02:18Morning, Wendy.
02:19Morning, sir.
02:20Good news, Wendy.
02:21Yeah.
02:22Well, I don't know.
02:23I got that transfer to the Met I applied for.
02:24I can go at the end of the month.
02:25Oh, no.
02:26Early morning call for cell two, please, Kevin.
02:27Oh, no.
02:28Early morning call for cell two, please, Kevin.
02:29Oh, no.
02:30I'm going to press your emotions, Sarge.
02:31You'll get cancer.
02:32Morning, Kevin.
02:33Morning, sir.
02:34You can tell me anything you want to, you know, Kevin.
02:35I'll be in my office should you feel the need to share anything with me.
02:37Thank you very much.
02:38Morning, Wendy.
02:39Morning, sir.
02:40Good news, Wendy.
02:41Yeah.
02:42Well, I don't know.
02:43I got that transfer to the Met I applied for.
02:44I can go at the end of the month.
02:45Early morning call for cell two, please, Kevin.
02:53Can't someone else do it, Sarge.
02:55I'm scared of criminals.
02:57No.
03:00You'll enjoy it at the Met, Wendy.
03:02You might even get to drive an ambulance.
03:15Excuse me.
03:16No!
03:17Never wake me suddenly, Kevin.
03:18I'm a train killer.
03:19God.
03:20For a minute then, I thought I was back in the Congo.
03:21I could have killed you, Kevin.
03:22Could you not breathe on me, please, Ted?
03:23Oh, God, my head.
03:24Get some tea-flavoured drink, will you, Kevin?
03:25There's something wrong with the machine.
03:26They've only got soup-flavoured.
03:27What flavour soup-flavoured?
03:28Well, no flavour, just soup-flavoured flavour, I think.
03:29What are you doing in here, anyway?
03:30Yeah.
03:31I don't know.
03:32I don't know.
03:33I'm a train killer.
03:34I'm a train killer.
03:35God.
03:36For a minute then, I thought I was back in the Congo.
03:37I could have killed you, Kevin.
03:38Could you not breathe on me, please, Ted?
03:39Oh, God, my head.
03:40Get some tea-flavoured drink, will you, Kevin?
03:41There's something wrong with the machine.
03:42They've only got soup-flavoured.
03:43What flavour soup-flavoured?
03:44Well, no flavour.
03:45Just soup-flavoured flavour, I think.
03:47What are you doing in here, anyway?
03:57Oh, Brenda locked me out again last night.
04:00Still, I had a last laugh.
04:02I was sick through the letterbox.
04:12In fact, you should clean your teeth as well, Ted.
04:14Nah.
04:15As far as I'm concerned, there's only one reason to clean your teeth.
04:18That's when you're planning to put your tongue in somebody else's mouth.
04:22You said kiss, darling.
04:24I'd rather die.
04:25Wendy, you haven't got a toothbrush that Ted could borrow, have you?
04:28He doesn't need a toothbrush.
04:29He needs a pooper scooper.
04:40Morning, Sarge.
04:42Morning, Ted.
04:43Sleep well?
04:44Another baby.
04:45Breakfast?
04:46Oh, yes, please.
04:47Packet of crisps, Cornish pasty and a Kit Kat.
04:50Pickled eggs?
04:51Just the two.
04:53Still on the diet, then.
04:55Kevin?
04:56Sir?
04:57Clip out and get some more blue tack for the posters, would you?
05:00Well, could I have some petty cash?
05:02Don't buy it, Kevin.
05:03Get it from the library.
05:05What?
05:07The woman there has always been very profligate with her blue tacks.
05:10Uses great big splodges of it when all you need is a tiny little bowl.
05:14Yeah, so what do you want me to do?
05:16Go and peel down her adult education posters, swipe half the blue tacks, stick them back up again.
05:21Well, that's stealing.
05:23It's not stealing, Kevin.
05:24It's conserving police resources.
05:26This country is about to be flooded with crack.
05:29We need all the blue tack we can get.
05:33Here, Sarge.
05:34I'll need a couple of PCs in about an hour.
05:37Got a big job on.
05:40Yeah, Oily tipped me off last night.
05:42There's this meeting in a sauna in George Street.
05:44Yeah, two big dope dealers from out of town.
05:47Cocaine, apparently.
05:48Had to buy Oily a lot of drinks for this information, did you, Ted?
05:51Can't remember.
05:52Too pissed.
05:53It takes you for a sucker, Ted.
05:55He's a very valuable informer, Sarge.
05:57He rats on his friends for cash.
05:59He's the lowest form of life there is after mass murderers and journalists.
06:03Yeah, well...
06:04And he smells of old nappies.
06:07Sarge, this could be the bust that gets me my promotion.
06:12Got any rennies?
06:18Jeremy?
06:21Could I have a word, please, sir?
06:22Certainly, Wendy, certainly.
06:24I'm always available for one-to-one counselling.
06:27Sit down and tell me all about it.
06:29Thank you, sir.
06:30Or would you prefer to lie?
06:32It can be more relaxing.
06:33Well, sir, I'll tell you the truth.
06:36What seems to be the problem?
06:37Boyfriend?
06:38No, sir, it's this transfer I've been offered to the Met.
06:41One thing you must understand, Wendy,
06:44if you catch me looking out the window,
06:47it's not because I'm not listening.
06:49It just means that I'm watching that funny-looking dog
06:52going through our dustbins again.
06:55Right, you were saying.
06:58I got the news today.
06:59Looks like a sort of bull terrier.
07:02And to be honest, sir, I'm scared.
07:04No need to be scared, Wendy. You can't get in.
07:08London's such a big place.
07:10A lot of stray dogs there, too, of course.
07:13But I see dogs' homes chock-a-block, apparently.
07:16Now, perhaps you should think about getting some sort of therapy
07:19to overcome this dog phobia.
07:21I'm not scared of dogs, sir.
07:24It's just that London's so big and everything compared to Middleford.
07:28I just think I'm going to feel really lost.
07:30Well, if you're lost, you should ask a policeman.
07:31That's what they're there for.
07:34And they said I could be moved out of uniform.
07:37I mean, have you ever been in plain clothes, sir?
07:39Oh, no, Wendy.
07:40I've always been a snappy dresser off duty.
07:43I had a paisley shirt in the 60s.
07:48What if I have to do undercover work in some really trendy nightclub?
07:52I mean, where do you hide your truncheon if you're wearing cycling shorts?
07:55Blokes might get the wrong idea if I rub up against them on the dance floor.
08:01Look, Wendy, let's not beat around the bush here.
08:05You didn't come in here to talk about dogs and dancing.
08:08It's sex, isn't it?
08:11No.
08:13Sublimated sexuality, eh?
08:14Very interesting.
08:15We did that on the course.
08:17Look, thanks for your time, sir.
08:19You've been a great help.
08:20Not at all, Wendy.
08:21We must have more of these little chats.
08:22Well, there's not much point if I'm moving to the Met, is there?
08:25Moving to the Met?
08:27Well, why didn't you tell me?
08:28We could have talked about it.
08:31Well, we'll be sorry to see you go, Wendy.
08:34Still, you might get a chance to work in plain clothes.
08:36How would you feel about that?
08:43Girl wasn't listening to a word I was saying.
08:48Book him, Sarge.
08:50I nicked him in the library.
08:51Drawing obscene pictures on the books.
08:53Not you again, Horace.
08:54Yes.
08:55Hi, Sarge.
08:56Hello, Wendy.
08:58Dinosaurs this time, is it?
09:00Dinosaurs procreated?
09:01So why don't they show pictures of it?
09:03Yeah, but Lady Brontosaurus didn't have great big bosoms and suspenders, did they, Horace?
09:08There's no fossil records to say they didn't.
09:11This is revolting.
09:13Your clothes are too tight.
09:15Go on.
09:16Take them off.
09:18Liberate yourself.
09:20Be sexy.
09:22Sarge!
09:23Wendy.
09:24We wear clothes too much.
09:25In the morning clothes, but in the afternoon we should be nude and rude.
09:29Sarge!
09:31Go on, ask me what time it is.
09:32Oh, no!
09:33What time is it?
09:34It's nude time!
09:35It's nude time!
09:36Come on!
09:37Offensive glasses!
09:38Offensive glasses!
09:39I mean, he'll calm down in a minute.
09:46It should be down by now.
09:49I am a sexual liberator!
09:51The force of the impression will not stop me from removing my underpants whenever I please!
09:56Just pack it in, will you?
09:57Well, Kevin, this is the sort of situation where a degree and five years teaching geography is bound to come in handy, isn't it?
10:08Drop your strides and roll your jumper up over your chest. Go on.
10:10All right, you two.
10:11You're coming with me.
10:12Here, Sarge.
10:13I'll be down the George Street sauna.
10:14Anyone wants to know?
10:16Close!
10:17They're destroying the ozone layer!
10:18Come on, copper.
10:19Come and get me.
10:21Na-na-na-na-na-na!
10:22What's the story on this nudist, then, Kevin?
10:24They're destroying the ozone layer!
10:27Come on, copper, come and get me!
10:30Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
10:39What's the story on this nudist, then, Kevin?
10:41Well, sir, he's my first arrest, so obviously I'd like to see him charged,
10:44but not if he'd go to prison or anything horrible like that!
10:47Yes, we were discussing this on the course yesterday.
10:51You see, most persistent offenders are just sad, harmless, lonely...
10:55Perverts.
10:57Obviously they're perverts, Sarge.
11:00But what good does it do to lock them up, eh?
11:02We've got to back up the bobby on the beat, sir.
11:05Kevin made a judgment out there on those mean streets.
11:08In Middleford Library.
11:11Hardly the Bronx, is it?
11:13I'm risking their lives every time they sit foot outside that door.
11:17You've gone to get some Blu-Tack, haven't you, Kevin?
11:19Yes, sir.
11:19You're broke.
11:20Well, I think we'll just caution this bloke and let him go.
11:23We don't want the station cluttered up with nude men, do we?
11:35You all right, Ted? You're sweating like a pig.
11:37Try to be funny, Kevin.
11:40Bleeding saunas. Get wet, get hot, get cold, get dressed. What's the point?
11:44Right, for the last time, you two, names.
11:48Book them, Sarge.
11:49What for?
11:50Refusing to give their names.
11:52Charge for them, please, Kevin.
11:56Right, sir.
11:57Name?
12:01Sorry, Ted. Can't fill it out if I haven't got a name.
12:03That's what we're charging them with, Sarge.
12:05Well, then we've got a problem, haven't we?
12:07Look, officer, you really are making a big mistake.
12:11Threatening me now, are you?
12:12What are you going to do, kidnap my little kiddie and slash her up?
12:17She's thrown down that little nipper, has she, Ted?
12:19I didn't even know she was pregnant.
12:23What are you going to call her?
12:24Agnes is a nice name.
12:27No, Sergeant.
12:28Agnes is a Greek word meaning the illegitimate daughter of a bank robber.
12:32Right, for the last time, names.
12:42Look, how can we explain this?
12:45He's a bank manager and I'm an estate agent.
12:47Where's your identification?
12:49You wouldn't let us bring our clothes, officer.
12:51Everybody knows that villains meet in saunas because there's nowhere to hide the shooters.
12:55Look, officer, you do know that George Street is a gay sauna, don't you?
12:59Gay.
13:00Gay.
13:01Of course I know it's gay.
13:05What sort of sense of the word?
13:09Oh, gay.
13:10Gay.
13:11Yeah, well, won't be two ticks.
13:17Problem, Ted?
13:19I just need time to think.
13:21How about Bernadette?
13:26Sarge, they don't allow homosexuals to be bank managers, do they?
13:29Oh, I think so, Ted.
13:31You find them in all walks of life these days.
13:33Gay vicars, gay bricklayers, gay policemen.
13:37Don't make me laugh.
13:38Gay coppers?
13:39Impossible.
13:45No, psychology.
13:46I need a psychological approach.
13:48Hey, look, perhaps I can help, Ted.
13:49I mean, we did the psychological approach at police college.
13:52I'm getting nowhere in there, Kevin.
13:53Yeah, well, perhaps you should make them crack with a hot and cold interrogation technique.
13:57Don't.
13:57Don't you think I haven't tried that?
13:58They was in a sauna when I picked them up.
14:00Now they're in there in the buff.
14:01In the buff with no eating on.
14:03No, it don't work.
14:05No, I mean, one of us is nice, the other's nasty.
14:07You know, like a sort of a double act.
14:09What?
14:09Like Morecambe and White?
14:11Yeah, or Abbott and Costello, or like Laurel and Hardy.
14:15I think you've got some in here, Kevin.
14:16Which one would I be?
14:17You'd be the fat one, Ted.
14:20No, Oliver Hardy.
14:21No, I should be the funny one.
14:22No, no, look, I look much more like Stan Laurel.
14:25Anyway, look, they're both funny.
14:26No, no, Oliver Hardy's more your straight man, isn't he?
14:29Whereas that Stanley, oh, we don't have to make me laugh.
14:31That one where he sticks his finger in his mouth, his hat goes out.
14:33Brilliant.
14:34It's like this.
14:35Where you can go on, you see?
14:36Look at that, you see.
14:37You'll make a children's entertainer yet, Ted.
14:50Just trying to bring a little smile to the world, sir.
14:52You know me.
14:54Yeah, all right.
14:55I'll get a bottle of Malibu on my way home.
14:57And there's that ouzo we bought back from Corfu and loads of special brews still, yeah.
15:01Yeah, see you back at the flat room.
15:02Bye.
15:04Having a party, Wendy?
15:05Oh, no, sir, just a little chat with my flatmate.
15:08Sounds like a lot of drinking.
15:10Yeah, well, she's a nurse.
15:13Look, Wendy, a few things have come to mind about your transfer to the Met.
15:17Oh, that.
15:18Yes, you'll have to be careful in London, Wendy.
15:22Some of these flash young Cockney boys, they can be very charming.
15:26But I've heard they can be a bit shoddy in their use of contraceptive rubbers.
15:32What?
15:33Well, you don't want to get pregnant, Wendy.
15:34Not with a promising career in the vice squad ahead of you.
15:37Oh, my God, you're...
15:41You're not, are you?
15:44Wendy?
15:47Wendy?
15:49Wendy?
15:53Wendy?
15:54Go away.
15:55Oi, you heard.
15:56Wendy?
15:57Wendy?
15:58Wendy?
15:59As your commanding officer, I'm ordering you to come out of there and have an informed
16:08order to chat about your problems.
16:09his name's Greg.
16:22I met him on holiday and we fell in love.
16:27He's everything I ever wanted in a man.
16:31And now the stinking rotten rat bag hasn't even bothered to write.
16:34Why don't you write to him, Wendy?
16:38Thank God he's a dreck.
16:44All I know is he lives in London.
16:48I thought if I transferred to the Met, I might bump into him when I was on the plane.
16:52As I thought, sublimated sexuality.
16:57Wendy, have you thought of writing to Simon Bates on Radio 1?
17:02I'm...
17:02Well, I think, personally, you'd feel a lot better if you just say what you feel.
17:08I mean, release that pent-up passion, Wendy.
17:11What, here, in the toilet?
17:13Seems a bit kinky.
17:15Imagine that I'm this Greg bloke.
17:17He's only five foot two.
17:19Five foot two, eh?
17:20All right.
17:27You...
17:28You lying, stinking, rat-bag of a big fat brat!
17:32You think you're Mr. Bloody Popular Drums, but you're not!
17:35You're just a pathetic little kid like all the others, you bastard!
17:45Everything all right, sir?
17:48Yeah, yes, thanks.
17:50Look, haven't you two got anything better to do?
17:52Yeah, we've got a couple of drug dealers to, you know...
17:55Well, get on with it, then!
17:58Yes, sir.
18:01He wouldn't have made Corporal in the Congo.
18:09Right, Kevin, you know what to do?
18:11Yeah, I'll be nice, you be nasty.
18:15Right!
18:17I want your name!
18:20We want our clothes.
18:21Oh, that's a long name, isn't it?
18:23It's an outrage.
18:24Being kept here like animals.
18:26Animals don't wear clothes.
18:27They've got fur, so shut it!
18:29Look, please, all we want is your names.
18:33They'll make us ever so happy.
18:36Can I have a quiet word?
18:37Yeah, sure.
18:38You see, we're not trying to be difficult.
18:40It's just that this is very embarrassing.
18:42We're both respectable married men who just happen to be gay.
18:46If it came out that we were in that sauna, it could be disastrous for us.
18:49Well, look, will you tell me your names if I promise not to tell anyone else?
18:53Of course not.
18:55It's not working, is it, Kevin?
18:58Perhaps we should swap.
19:00This time I'll be nasty, you'll be nice.
19:02I haven't had a lot of practice on that.
19:04Give it a try.
19:07Excuse me, can I get you gentlemen a nice tea-flavoured drink?
19:10Oh, thank you.
19:11That'd be very nice.
19:12Sugar?
19:12Not for me.
19:13No, thanks.
19:15It's working like a dream.
19:17All right, you slags, start talking,
19:25or you may have to settle for permanent silence in a coma.
19:31They think I'm joking, do you?
19:32Look, officer.
19:33Shut it!
19:33You said you wanted a sentence?
19:34I said, shut it!
19:37You'll speak when I tell you to and not before.
19:40Understand?
19:40I said, do you understand?
19:43Leave him alone!
19:44Give me...
19:45What do you think you're doing, Kevin?
19:48He tried to strangle David.
19:51David and Michael, is it?
19:55I think I just run his name through the computer.
19:59Nice work, Kevin.
20:01I think you and I better have a little chat, Kevin.
20:04Yes, Sarge.
20:06Run his name through the computer, will you?
20:08We haven't got one.
20:09Oh, yeah, I forgot.
20:09Don't go, Wendy.
20:15I think we need a group therapy session here.
20:17Oh, no.
20:18Kevin's got problems.
20:19You've got problems.
20:20I haven't really.
20:21And I think it's important to admit that I've got problems, too.
20:24Yeah.
20:25So, Kevin.
20:26Look, sir, I'm really sorry.
20:28I just started, you know, acting out like a part,
20:31you know, pretending to be tough,
20:32and then it sort of took me over and I started enjoying it.
20:35I'm really ashamed.
20:37Yes, I see.
20:38I know what you mean.
20:40I used to dress up as the Lone Ranger when I was a boy.
20:44You're my Auntie Margaret's cat.
20:47Got a girlfriend, Kevin?
20:49Well, not as such, sir, no.
20:51There it is again.
20:52Supplemated sexuality.
20:54I was only telling Wendy earlier.
20:56Wendy, go and get that nudist, will you?
20:58Yes, sir.
20:58Kevin, sit.
20:59What's going on here, then, Ted?
21:07A toga party?
21:09These are those drug dealers, all he ticked us off about, sir.
21:11Drug dealers, eh?
21:13Did they have anything on them when you picked them up?
21:16Just the towels, sir.
21:19And, uh, where was this?
21:21The, uh, the George Street sauna, sir.
21:23In, um, George Street.
21:25Ted.
21:34That's, uh, a gay sauna, isn't it?
21:36Well, they all look very masculine to me, sir.
21:39Let them go, Ted.
21:40Oh, you can't do this to me, Ben.
21:42I haven't even got their stack of names yet.
21:44Let them go, Ted.
21:45I won't have my officers harassing the gay community.
21:48Homosexuality is not a crime.
21:49Oh, sir!
21:50Go back in there and tell them you're sorry.
21:54Oh, Ben, please, look.
21:55I've never said sorry in my...
21:57Ted, I've got an idea.
21:58This time, you'd be a bit nice and quite nasty,
22:01and I'll be quite nice and a bit nasty.
22:03Kevin, you peeve me beyond belief.
22:06No, I'm only trying to vouch.
22:10All right, then, chumbo.
22:11Then you go.
22:12Go on, he won't bite.
22:14If he does, I'll bite him back.
22:15Go on.
22:18Sit down, please.
22:20All right.
22:24Although we won't be pressing charges,
22:26I'm giving you an official caution.
22:29And if I find you damaging public property again,
22:31I'll throw the book at you.
22:33If you do, I'll draw willies on it and throw it back.
22:38When the same goes to this, this nudist nonsense.
22:41But it's my religion.
22:42Being nude is not a religion.
22:45What about Gandhi or Buddha or Jesus Christ, then?
22:48What about?
22:49Three of the holiest men that ever walked this planet,
22:53and not a pair of wife runs between them.
22:55Yes, well, they came from hot countries.
22:59It's different over here.
23:00I mean, Inspector James Anderton.
23:03He wears a full uniform and a hat.
23:05And a beard.
23:05And a beard.
23:07And thick woolly socks.
23:08And he's a very holy man.
23:10Now, I think you'll find his common knowledge that most religious maniacs wear clothes.
23:16Do they?
23:17Oh, yes, Harry Seacombe.
23:19Dora Heard.
23:20Dora Ian Paisley.
23:23I mean, he's madder than you are.
23:25You don't catch him running around the streets of Belfast, stark bollock naked, do you?
23:29It'd be nice if he did.
23:33Look, Horace.
23:34How about we reach some sort of compromise, eh?
23:37Go on.
23:38You've got to.
23:38Ben said.
23:39Go on.
23:41Look, gentlemen.
23:43Personally, I've got nothing against the homophobic community.
23:46And I apologise if you have felt victimised.
23:52Oh, just one thing, David, before you go.
23:54Just out of interest.
23:55Um, as a gay man, do you, um, do you find me attractive?
24:02Attractive?
24:03You know, a bit of a turn-on.
24:05Look, Officer, if you were the only man in the world, and I was the only other man,
24:10I'd rather cover my body in strawberry jam and be eaten alive by red worker ants.
24:16Then feel your flabby white flesh pressed up against mine.
24:20I'll take that as a no, then, shall I?
24:24Still, no hard feelings, eh?
24:30I think you're free to go now.
24:39You're free to go, Horace.
24:41Thank you, Superintendent.
24:44Lovely uniforms.
24:46What's going on, sir?
24:52Lateral thinking, Ted.
24:53I got him to compromise.
24:55Half nude all the time.
24:59If someone could arrange a lift down at the sauna to collect our clothes.
25:04No problem.
25:05Here's 50p for the bus.
25:08Shut up.
25:08Yeah, ditto.
25:11You haven't heard the last of this.
25:13You can't treat us like this.
25:15You're going to be hearing from my lawyer.
25:17Oh, yeah?
25:17Your wife's going to be in court, is she?
25:19Come on, Michael.
25:19He's not worth it.
25:20Pleading perverts.
25:22Whatever happened to decent law-abiding criminals?
25:25It was all so simple when I first started.
25:27Yeah, pick them up, fit them up, lock them up.
25:31Where was that, Ted?
25:32Guildford.
25:35Cheer a tonic, please, Sarge.
25:37I'll get that, Ted.
25:38Oh, make it a large one.
25:39And the same again for me, please.
25:41I wouldn't mind an orange juice, Sarge.
25:42Wendy?
25:43Oh, pint a snake bite, please, Sarge.
25:44You know, Wendy, it's a real pity you're moving to London.
25:48Yes, it seems a long way to go just for a boyfriend.
25:51Yeah, but it's that hard meeting people in this job, isn't it?
25:54I mean, the only blokes that don't mind you being a policewoman
25:56are like bailiffs or security guards.
25:59You know, traffic wardens.
26:01Good.
26:02Last traffic warden I went out,
26:03we thought that an erogenous zone
26:05was somewhere you can't park for more than two hours.
26:10How long can you park there, then?
26:14Well, Wendy, you know what they say.
26:19You can't hurry, love.
26:20You just have to wait.
26:22Da-dee-da-da-da-da.
26:24It's a game of give and take.
26:26Can I ask you a question, sir?
26:28Far away, Wendy.
26:29Don't you ever worry about getting the sack?
26:32I must say, Wendy,
26:33won't be sorry to see you go.
26:35Oh, what, to the Met?
26:36Yeah.
26:37I've decided against it.
26:38Oh, well, that's a great man.
26:40Sarge, champagne all round.
26:42We haven't got any champagne.
26:43Well, no champagne.
26:46No Blu-Tac.
26:46What sort of police station is this?
26:49Hang on, Sarge, I nearly forgot.
26:50I got that Blu-Tac earlier.
26:52Oh, Kevin.
26:53Well, stick them up.
26:57The posters, lad.
26:58The posters.
26:59All right, stop it.
27:00Same again, please, Sarge.
27:02You stick a vodka in that for us, Sarge.
27:04Yeah, just another one.
27:05Sir!
27:08What do you mean?
27:10Michael and David!
27:11The lying bastards.
27:12Selling drugs to little kiddies.
27:14You know, hanging's too good for scum like that.
27:16Hey, but, sir,
27:17what about everything that you learned on the course?
27:19Sod that, Kevin.
27:21Ted, let's do some real police work.
27:23Sarge?
27:24What?
27:24Next Friday at nine,
27:35the Middiford boys will be bringing
27:36their own individual style of teamwork
27:39onto the football pitch.
27:40Morning, Sarge.
28:07Morning, Sarge.
28:08Morning, Sarge.
28:09Morning, Sarge.
28:10Morning, Sarge.
28:11Morning, Sarge.
28:12Morning, Sarge.
28:13Morning, Sarge.
28:14Morning, Sarge.
28:15Morning, Sarge.
28:16Morning, Sarge.
28:17Morning, Sarge.
28:18Morning, Sarge.
28:19Morning, Sarge.
28:20Morning, Sarge.
28:21Morning, Sarge.
28:22Morning, Sarge.
28:23Morning, Sarge.
28:24Morning, Sarge.
28:25Morning, Sarge.
28:26Morning, Sarge.
28:27Morning, Sarge.
28:28Morning, Sarge.
28:29Morning, Sarge.
28:30Morning, Sarge.
28:31Morning, Sarge.
28:32Morning, Sarge.
28:33Morning, Sarge.
28:34Morning, Sarge.
28:35Morning, Sarge.
28:36Morning, Sarge.
28:37Morning, Sarge.
28:38Morning, Sarge.
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