If True Crime Podcasts Were Honest

I'm just asking questions. #shorts #podcast #podcasts #truecrimestories #truecrimepodcast #parody #funny #youtubeshorts

Transcript

00:00You're over 30 right? Yeah. You're Caucasian right? Yeah, Jewish, 164 Cherokee. That's a yes.

00:07Meaning both of you are in the prime demographic for ordering some robo-schlongs from Best Buy

00:13to record your conversation about something 50 other pairs just like you have already covered.

00:19Then businesses can plaster your most uninteresting thoughts with ads for

00:25dog antidepressants and other abominable creations of capitalism.

00:30Is that why podcasts exist? Pretty much. So let's hop to it.

00:38Wait, what are we supposed to talk about? All right, fine. Let me start you out.

00:44You're going to do a true crime podcast. Have a few glasses of Mike's hard grape blood.

00:51Google the real-life gruesome murder of some poor woman and tell your audience about it.

00:57Do I have to be wine drunk while I do it? Do roses have to have all those petals?

01:03I don't know. Exactly. You're not supposed to know facts or ask intelligent questions.

01:09You're recording a true crime podcast. Your job is to create a suspenseful story out of

01:17a horrible tragedy. Think of it as narrating a fanfic of someone's obituary.

01:25Kind of sounds like...

01:26Figuratively feasting on the corpse of a real person like a ravenous zombie for internet clout.

01:32Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

01:33You'd be surprised how often that comparison comes up. But it's not really accurate,

01:38because zombies are after brains. Your podcast will have none of that.

01:44Instead, you'll help people fantasize that they really have what it takes

01:48to solve a real-life murder while snuggled in their fuzziest blankets,

01:53with 911 already dialed on their phone in case they hear a weird noise outside.

01:59So go nuts, make wild accusations, stress that you're only asking questions,

02:05and come up with outrageous theories about the final moments of a fellow human who had

02:11feelings, dreams, and hopes just like you. I mean, it's not like they can refute anything you say.

02:18And sure, your in some cases literally visceral description of the murder down to the

02:24last drop of blood will also open old wounds for the deceased's friends and family, to which you

02:30say...

02:32I'm... I'm just asking questions.

02:34Ah, you got it.