Darren, the outsider finding his place in Islam | Where Race Meets Religion - video Dailymotion

AsiaOne

At the lowest point in his life, Darren found Islam. As a Chinese Muslim, he reckons with the complexities of identity, of conflicting culture, and fitting in.  This video contains mature themes. Parental guidance is advised for children below 13.  Watch more: https://www.asiaone.com/video

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00:00I am 29 this year, I'm Chinese, I'm Muslim as well.

00:14Currently studying again, back at NUS, I went back for a postgraduate in law.

00:24I was a trouble kid.

00:25I've landed in hospital because I tried killing myself.

00:29Islam kind of saved my life in that sense.

00:30To this day, I still regard Islam as having saved my life.

00:33I was constantly drunk, I was constantly trying to numb myself from a lot of things.

00:38I had a very troubled childhood, I struggled with mental health problems a lot.

00:59We're at Bawi Mosque, which is actually a mosque that I have very fond memories of.

01:08When I first came into this mosque, I was already Muslim.

01:11But I remember I came with a group of students and we met with the imam of the mosque, Khalif Hassan.

01:18He shared some pretty interesting anecdotes on his own life, basically, when he was younger.

01:23Which really opened my eyes to how Muslims approach different issues.

01:28Imam, I learned there can be differing views.

01:31And I think Habib talked about how he had neighbours who would bring him food

01:35from differing races, different religions.

01:37And of course, they understood his dietary restrictions.

01:40But beyond that, there was that level of trust and understanding

01:42that you would not give me something that I cannot take.

01:45In that sense, it kind of opened my mind to, you know,

01:47you don't have to be constantly second-guessing everything.

01:50I did not study Islam in, I would say, the healthiest ways.

01:55I basically went online.

01:57Please don't do that.

01:59So when I first started out, like the first two years probably,

02:02I guess it would be what some people would call a Salafi.

02:05So I was quite literalist, quite strict about certain things.

02:08My own Muslim friends gave me that look.

02:10It's like, okay, Darren, okay.

02:12Over the years, I've come to learn that there's a big variety.

02:17I mean, the Muslim tradition is a very broad, very rich one.

02:21You don't last for so many hundreds and thousands of years

02:24without that capacity for accommodation

02:28and without a breadth of views.

02:30It just doesn't happen.

02:34I think the biggest challenge for me is

02:37to be able to make a living out of it.

02:40It all started with a dream

02:42when I was experiencing some of like the lowest moments in my life.

02:46And I had a dream of the Ka'bah.

02:50I dreamt of myself viewing the Ka'bah from a bird's-eye view.

02:55And I felt a voice tell me,

02:57just lay down all of your burdens and face Makkah.

03:01I had to ask, actually, some of my Muslim classmates.

03:04And then I was like, okay, I'm going to do this.

03:06I'm going to do this.

03:07I'm going to do this.

03:08And then she explained, it's the direction of prayer.

03:11So when Muslims pray all around the world, they all face Makkah.

03:14I was like, whoa, like where did this come from?

03:16And so that kind of spooked me a little bit.

03:17And that's how I started studying and learning a bit more.

03:21So during this period, I started with like,

03:23oh, maybe not Ipohk anymore.

03:25I stopped drinking.

03:26So in that sense,

03:27it also coupled together with healthier changes in my life.

03:30And my parents could see it.

03:32That's kind of why it became easier for them to accept also

03:35when I eventually told them flat out like,

03:36yeah, I'm going to convert.

03:38My mum just said,

03:39I can see that you're happier now.

03:42You're happier.

03:42You're a better person.

03:43You're no longer struggling with all of these things

03:46that you were struggling with before.

03:54So I just eat out most of the time.

03:57Or order in if I'm feeling lazy.

04:02This is the one that recently reopened.

04:05I don't want to jinx it.

04:07But let's just say that it's like the third or fourth coffee shop

04:09that has opened in this slot since I moved in.

04:15This is the other coffee shop.

04:17It's quite glorious, right?

04:18Like it's a full coffee shop.

04:21Not a single choice.

04:22I don't have anything that I can have here.

04:24Like this is not an uncommon experience.

04:26It's not the first time that I've been to a coffee shop or a food court

04:29and then realised, oh, there's really nothing I can have here.

04:31Then no choice, I'll walk somewhere else.

04:36That's the thing about culture, right?

04:39You don't think about it enough.

04:40Unless you're in a situation where you are an outsider.

04:44Then it's obvious to you that, oh, you know, something is different.

04:47I'm not getting this.

04:48Or you all seem to have some kind of inside joke

04:50that I don't seem to understand.

04:51I am in this position now, so I can see.

04:54But when I was in Muslim Society,

04:56I heard this feedback that, you know,

04:59a lot of the things that we do,

05:00the basic assumption is, yeah, we're all Muslims, yes.

05:02But the majority is Malay.

05:05So sometimes the cultural references that you make,

05:07the things that you talk about,

05:09make some of the non-Malay Muslims feel left out.

05:12I mean, I am not, in fact, I don't feel as bad

05:15because a lot of my own friends are Malay.

05:17So like, I'm very culturally attuned, I guess.

05:20Like, sure, Muslims are minority.

05:21But if you're in a situation where you are the majority,

05:25like in a Muslim Society or in a particular context,

05:28then you're going to have the same blind spot

05:30because you are the majority.

05:32You're not going to think of, like, the non-Malay Muslims.

05:36Usually, if you are speaking to a fellow Muslim

05:40and then they find out that I'm a revert, I'm a convert,

05:43first thing they'll say,

05:44Mashallah.

05:45But with my own family,

05:47the first response was a little bit more measured

05:50because my own family is quite, I guess, mixed religiously.

05:54I have other branches of the family

05:56that are Christian, for example.

05:58They did ask, like, why, you know?

05:59Because if you enter Christianity,

06:01then, you know, it's another common space for the family.

06:05But, you know, I'm the only Muslim now

06:07in my entire extended family.

06:09It's a bit isolating in that sense

06:11because religion is faith, yes,

06:13but there's also social elements, right?

06:15I won't be able to, for example, go to mosque with family

06:18and at the same time, I don't, I mean,

06:20I wouldn't go to church with my Christian relatives, for example.

06:23So there was that bit of apprehension.

06:27My own parents, who are not very religious in any direction,

06:31they themselves were quite concerned, I guess, in one way.

06:35My mum was practical stuff.

06:37It was like, how am I going to cook for you?

06:39But for my dad, it was security in a sense

06:41because when I was learning about Islam,

06:46it was during the ISIS period

06:48and so for him, it was quite concerning.

06:51He actually asked my mum, like, I learned this a bit later.

06:53He asked my mum in private,

06:55is our son okay?

06:56Is he, you know, being exposed to certain things?

07:00And when it came down to me,

07:02then I told him, like, you've got Muslim friends, you know?

07:05Like, some of your best uncle friends in the neighbourhood

07:09are Muslim.

07:09You're Babar.

07:10He's on very good terms with, you know?

07:12I said, do you not realise?

07:14Like, it's Singapore.

07:15There's so many Muslims here.

07:22Now we're going to go into a room.

07:24It's a bit like a museum.

07:27You have sahafs and translations from places like Europe.

07:33This one, the Quran.

07:34So it's German.

07:35You have, I remember, I think there's Dutch also

07:37if I remember correctly.

07:41Oh, yes, here.

07:43This, I remember, this really jumped out at me

07:45because you have a Torah here,

07:48which is the Jewish holy book.

07:50And I guess this is like the interfaith corner

07:54because you have the Sikh holy book as well.

07:56I mean, I've learned a little bit about different religions.

07:58So I'm a little bit familiar with

08:01what some of these traditions are about.

08:04I mean, we live in a time where,

08:07especially if you consider a lot of Western media,

08:09then your perception of Muslims

08:11is going to be a bit skewed in that sense

08:12because in the West, the perception of Muslims

08:14is always like, oh, they're very exclusivist.

08:16They don't like to mix around.

08:17Over here, for example, in the middle of the mosque,

08:20you have artefacts from Judaism.

08:24I mean, you've got Christian Bibles as well.

08:26You have Hindu texts as well.

08:28I mean, there's a lot of mutual respect.

08:30And it's by exposure to places like Balui, for example,

08:33where I see the virtue, in a sense,

08:36of multi-religiosity, multicultural.

08:39I mean, in a sense, my family is multi-religious now, right?

08:42We live in a world where we can live together.

08:46We can co-exist.

08:48There shouldn't be so much fear, I guess,

08:50and apprehension about going

08:51into somebody else's place of worship.

08:56At the end of the day, I'm still Chinese, right?

08:58And my family is not Muslim.

08:59So a lot of Muslims in Singapore,

09:01and everywhere, actually,

09:02eat usually is super family-oriented.

09:05So for me, Raya is usually a lot less festive

09:09because everybody's busy with their own family.

09:11And my family, to them, it's like just another day.

09:14Raya is when I get really reminded

09:16that I'm still an outsider,

09:17in a sense of like, my family is not Muslim.

09:27For iftar, it's just me at home.

09:30And because my family doesn't even cook,

09:33so it is, it can get quite depressing.

09:36But like recently, I think like just last week,

09:38I had a friend of mine invite me

09:40over to his place for iftar.

09:42So I was like, wow, this is such a nice experience

09:46to be able to iftar with, you know,

09:49like other people in a home setting,

09:52because it was home-cooked food,

09:53which I've not had in a very long time.

09:56Okay, thank you.

10:12I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in particular

10:14because I'm quite used to it already.

10:18But the family aspect definitely is something that

10:20it does sometimes hit me

10:22because like when I speak to my own friends,

10:24then they will obviously be talking about

10:25how the pre-dawn meal,

10:27maybe with their family and for iftar also.

10:29I think for most people,

10:30especially the first week of Ramadan,

10:32they tend to make it a point

10:33that they want to go home and breakfast with the family.

10:35So when I hear them talk about that,

10:37then obviously I'll be like,

10:39I mean, sounds fun, sounds nice.

10:41But I don't have that.

10:43I won't deny, right,

10:45that if your family is from the same faith as you,

10:48it helps.

10:49I don't have that connection

10:51when it comes to the family side of things.

10:53So when I see that,

10:55I do feel a bit like,

10:56wow, if only, you know.

11:04I've known for a very long time

11:05that I'm quite different.

11:07I'm very comfortable with who I am

11:08and I think the world's a free place.

11:11And if anything,

11:13my journey into Islam has also taught me that

11:16we must all be able to respect people for being different.

11:19So, you know, I've never issued this.

11:20And in fact, people who haven't issued it,

11:23don't stay very long in my life.

11:53you

Darren, the outsider finding his place in Islam | Where Race Meets Religion

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