00:00Is he the one, or were all my exes just bad in bed?
00:03All your exes were bad in bed.
00:05Literally, that's it.
00:06Hi, I'm Stassi Schroeder,
00:07and this is If It Were Me with Cosmo.
00:12So today, I'm going through some real life scenarios
00:15from Cosmo readers,
00:16and I'm gonna tell you how I would handle them.
00:18Are these like really real?
00:19Yeah.
00:20Okay, ready?
00:22The crummy ex.
00:24My ex, who I still have feelings for,
00:26loves to breadcrumb me along
00:28and will text me noncommittal messages
00:30when he wants a quick hookup.
00:31It's like the age old story.
00:33You know, like everyone's gone through this.
00:35Am I lame for always giving in,
00:36or should I cut him off once and for all?
00:39You gotta go through this.
00:41I mean, we all do.
00:42Everyone goes through the breadcrumbing dude.
00:44You can keep letting him breadcrumb you for like,
00:46I'll give you another six months,
00:48but then it's like, just like cut it off.
00:50What are you doing?
00:51If you like me, you would ask to see me.
00:54This is why I always tell my friends this.
00:56If he wanted to, he would.
01:00The scorekeeper.
01:01The guy I've been seeing for five months
01:03casually mentioned his body count.
01:06What is that?
01:08How many people have you slept with?
01:09Oh my God, I didn't know that that's like the name for it.
01:12I thought this was like some sort of like
01:14metabolic rate number, like something with your body.
01:18Okay.
01:19The guy I've been seeing for five months
01:21casually mentioned his body count
01:24when we were talking about past relationships.
01:26To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
01:29Am I a prude to let it bother me?
01:34It's like, you know, personal preference,
01:36but I just feel like that must mean
01:39that he's had a lot of practice
01:40and will know what he's doing
01:42when you finally get to be with him.
01:44If you wanna around, you wanna around.
01:46Like where I have an issue is when it's like,
01:49you're cheating, you know?
01:51But if someone wants to be single
01:52and just like have sex with whoever they want
01:54and like rack up their body count number, like, okay.
01:57Like, good on you.
02:00The thirsty guy.
02:02My boyfriend barely posts on Instagram,
02:04but whenever I catch a glimpse at his For You page,
02:10it's always hot girls in bikinis.
02:12Do I call out his browsing habits
02:14or let him doom scroll through the gorgeous women?
02:18You call him out.
02:20The way I would end a relationship.
02:22I would end a marriage.
02:26If I looked at Beau's For You page
02:28and it was nothing but girls in bikinis, I'd be done.
02:32It's disrespectful.
02:34It's, you know what?
02:35No.
02:35Imagine if I, my For You page,
02:38was nothing but shirtless hot dudes all oiled up.
02:45Well, my hands would start shaking
02:46and I wouldn't be able to control myself
02:48and I would probably throw the phone
02:49and say, what the is this?
02:51What the is this?
02:52It would be a major fight.
02:53It would be like a huge dark passenger-y moment
02:55if I discovered.
02:56I wouldn't be able to just like calmly plan my like attack.
03:00Like I couldn't do that.
03:01Like, I don't know.
03:02No, I can't do things like that.
03:05In flight ick.
03:07Every time we're on a plane,
03:08my boyfriend will order apple juice.
03:12What?
03:13Serial killer.
03:16But only when we're on planes.
03:18It gives me such an ick.
03:20Do I let him enjoy his in-flight drink
03:22or make him order something else?
03:23Make him order something else.
03:24Like, I would be so embarrassed
03:29if I was sitting next to my husband
03:31and he just looked over at the flight attendant
03:34and was like, can I have some apple juice, please?
03:37What is the biggest ick that's like this
03:40that you've ever seen in a guy?
03:41I can't stand a flip-flop unless you're on the beach.
03:45Like when a guy wears a flip-flop
03:49and he is not on vacay.
03:51Get out of here.
03:52The spice girl.
03:54After a guy cooked me dinner,
03:56we got naked and he started stroking my nether regions.
03:59I felt a burning sensation.
04:01It's hot sauce, isn't it?
04:02I knew it.
04:03I felt a burning sensation
04:05and realized it was the spicy peppers from our meal.
04:07Should I flee his place and never text him again
04:10or brush it off and drag him in the shower with me?
04:13You gotta say no to the Cholula, you know?
04:16No to the Cholula.
04:17Like, come on.
04:18But if you like him, bring him in the shower
04:20and say, no more Tapatio.
04:22Like, why would you not?
04:23Why would you not what?
04:24Use Tapatio on your vagina?
04:27More like, why would you not say something?
04:31You're so right.
04:33Like, why didn't she say something?
04:36My vagina is on fire.
04:38Like, it must be the hot sauce.
04:41She should have spoke up.
04:43I hope she sees this.
04:44The standup.
04:46I missed my friend's comedy show
04:47because I was hooking up with this guy
04:49I've been crushing on for weeks.
04:51I made up a lie, but it's eating away at me
04:53because she was really disappointed.
04:55Should I tell her the truth?
04:57Yes.
04:58The truth will set you free.
04:59Like, lies only make you feel worse.
05:01And then it builds
05:02and then you remember it periodically throughout the day.
05:04And then you can't go on and enjoy the rest of your life.
05:06All of a sudden,
05:07you realize that like six months has gone by.
05:09You've been living a miserable life
05:10because you have this little lie
05:11that's in the back of your head.
05:13Always tell the truth.
05:15Do you feel like the truth
05:15is always gonna come out no matter what?
05:17There are people who like bury dead bodies
05:19and we never find them.
05:20So technically the truth doesn't always come out,
05:23but it does make you feel better.
05:27The Tinder triumph.
05:29The first time I finished during sex
05:31was with a random guy I met on Tinder.
05:33Is he the one or were all my exes just bad in bed?
05:36All your exes were bad in bed.
05:38Literally, that's it.
05:40Like, that's it.
05:41I'm so sorry.
05:42What advice would you give her?
05:44The second that you fake something or you pretend,
05:48then that becomes the norm.
05:49Then you have to do it the next time
05:51and the next time and pretend the next time.
05:53That needs to be a rule.
05:54Everyone in this room listening,
05:56don't ever pretend.
05:58Not one time because then it'll happen again.
06:04Steamy grief.
06:06I had sex in the car with my extremely hot guy friend
06:09on the day of his dad's funeral.
06:11Am I a horrible person
06:12or do some people just grieve in horny ways?
06:14You're not the one grieving,
06:15so like, you're not the weirdo.
06:18Does grief meet people?
06:19Not me.
06:20Is that like a thing?
06:22You guys work at Cosmo.
06:23Is that a thing?
06:24I would feel so guilty.
06:26I'd feel like the ghost was with me.
06:28Have some respect for the dead.
06:32Okay?
06:34The first mate.
06:36My coworker and I have been hooking up after work
06:39for the past two months.
06:40He asked me to wear a remote control vibrator
06:43to the office and let him steer the ship all day.
06:46Am I out of my mind for considering it?
06:48No, that sounds fun.
06:49Go do it.
06:50There's like, there's like nothing
06:51like having a work flirtation.
06:55Like I remember that.
06:56I remember those days.
06:57It gives you something to look forward to
06:58when you're just like bored at work.
07:00Like, yeah, go get on with it.
07:01Like, you know what?
07:02Yo, Lo, you only live once.
07:06We need to bring that back around.
07:08Okay?
07:10Now it's time for the rapid round.
07:13Block your ex on all platforms
07:15or stalk him on everything.
07:17Block him.
07:18But like, it's really fun to stalk sometimes, but block.
07:20Receive a sexy text or a romantic love note.
07:23Romantic love note.
07:24I'm 36.
07:26Morning sex or late night sex?
07:27Morning sex.
07:28I hate having sex at night.
07:29Your friend hooks up with your ex.
07:31Do you drop her or let it go?
07:34Been there.
07:36Tried to drop them.
07:38It came back.
07:39Mile high club or blue light club?
07:41What is the blue light club?
07:43On a train.
07:44Oh, train.
07:46Definitely.
07:46Like, no question.
07:48That sounds fun.
07:49Okay, that's it.
07:50Thanks for watching.
07:52If you want more of my, you know, hot takes on things,
07:55you can go buy my book.
07:57You Can't Have It All
07:58because you can't have it all.
07:59Sorry.
08:08You can't have it all.
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