MST3K 414 - Tormented - video Dailymotion

Mark Ash-Petta

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00:00:00Mystery Science Theater 3000, Joe 414, real one.

00:00:30We'll send the cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

00:00:39He'll have to sit and watch them all, but he'll monitor his mind.

00:00:45Now keep in mind Joe can't control where the movies begin or end.

00:00:51Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends.

00:01:00Robot, a girl called Cabot.

00:01:03Chipsy, a girl called Tom Servo.

00:01:07I wonder how he eats and breathes, and other science facts.

00:01:14Then repeat to yourself, it's just a show, I should really just relax.

00:01:20For Mystery Science Theater 3000.

00:01:30Hey, alright you two, I've had just about enough, it's time to come down.

00:01:41No, we're going to stay up here where you can't bother us.

00:01:44Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite Lab, I'm Joe Robinson.

00:01:48It looks like Tom Servo and Crotee Robot have set up housekeeping in that ventilation duct up there.

00:01:56Sorry Joe, we love you, we just can't live with you.

00:01:59What Servo?

00:02:01Use your words Servo, use your words.

00:02:03I have to go.

00:02:05Why didn't you think about that before we got up here?

00:02:09I've got to go, I'm really scared, it's making me feel real funny and I've got to go really fast.

00:02:19Hey Crow.

00:02:20Hell no, I won't go.

00:02:22Hey Crow, Tom and I are going to go over to Burger King and get us a Shamrock Shake.

00:02:27They're at McDonald's.

00:02:29Hey you guys, really neat fort.

00:02:32Oh no.

00:02:33Gypsy no, you're too big.

00:02:34Gypsy no, you two quit clowning around.

00:02:38Uh oh, whoops.

00:02:42Oh, again, again, again, that was fun.

00:02:46Oh Gypsy, you shouldn't fall on us, you're getting too big for that.

00:02:49Yeah, my mom says you can't come over anymore because you play too rough.

00:02:53Uh oh, Crook and Chase are calling.

00:02:55Hello Joe, Crow, Tim Servo, the big one.

00:03:00I'm in a decidedly good mood today, the Mariners won.

00:03:04I received a gift certificate for having my drapes clean and Frank took a nasty fall down the stairs today.

00:03:11Why don't you show me what you've got, eh what?

00:03:13Hey check this out.

00:03:15Okay, okay, get going.

00:03:17Oh the adventure exchange, well this is based on the popular see and say toy that helps teach kids about the animal kingdom.

00:03:24Right, only ours helps kids to sort through the maze of family reunions by matching their relatives' faces, names and voices on this colorful and amusing toy.

00:03:33Yeah, it's called the Aunt Catherine Wheel.

00:03:35Why don't you show them how it works, Joel?

00:03:37Which one's Uncle Carl again?

00:03:38Okay, I'm just lining up on Uncle Carl here.

00:03:41Pull the lever.

00:03:42Uncle Carl says, hey why don't you grab your uncle another beer, huh?

00:03:45Hey Joel, is Grammy Fisher the one who smells weird?

00:03:48No, oh no, here's Grammy Fisher right there.

00:03:51Okay.

00:03:52Grammy Fisher says, well this will probably be my last Christmas with you kids.

00:03:56Well, what do you think, sirs?

00:03:58Aunt Ethel says, you're on the goofballs, aren't you?

00:04:01Well.

00:04:02Ah, not bad, I bet Frank would really like one of those.

00:04:06And here's Frank now, wearing my invention for this week's exchange.

00:04:11Everyone has a smoking jacket and now for the foppish lush, there's my new drinking jacket.

00:04:17Large pockets really hide the booze and it comes with the DTs, of course.

00:04:22Ah, ah, oh, ah, ah, ah, oh my God, oh, oh, help me, help me, help me.

00:04:27Nurse, nurse, nurse, ah, ah.

00:04:30Perfect for a naked lunch over any lost weekend or take it under the volcano for those days of wine and roses.

00:04:38Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

00:04:40Not my little bar fly with his new drinking jacket from Old English Botany 500.

00:04:45We'll remind you that booze really heals.

00:04:49Joel?

00:04:51That is the sickest thing you guys have ever done.

00:04:55Two words, get over it.

00:04:58And speaking of sick, this week's experiment is from the mixed up files of one Bert I. Gordon.

00:05:03I give you Tormented.

00:05:05And watch for me in the Blaine Community Theatre production of Butterflies Are Free.

00:05:11Oh, we got movie time.

00:05:26Wow.

00:05:30Tormented, I have a feeling this is aptly named.

00:05:34The Secret Storm.

00:05:39Sounds like the horn section is stuttering.

00:05:46Forever in Lou jeans.

00:05:50And six, oh.

00:05:53Boy, boy, crazy boy.

00:06:01That's tough to take.

00:06:03Gordon and Steinberg, wherever fine films are sold.

00:06:10Mr. Laszlo, your papers of transit.

00:06:14Skagna millo, I think that's a triple word score in Scrabble.

00:06:18Oh, it's the great George Worthing Yates writing the screenplay.

00:06:23Ah, jeez.

00:06:30Traditional modern jazz sequences by Calvin Jackson, jeans.

00:06:34Oh, special visual effects.

00:06:37Bert, have you seen The Traveling Matt?

00:06:40Not Bill Forsythe, no, not the...

00:06:43I have a sinking feeling.

00:06:47Pfft, pfft.

00:06:51Honey West.

00:06:54Directed by Bert I. Gordon.

00:06:58Yeah.

00:06:59Tormented by Topper.

00:07:04I want to do it with Island.

00:07:07Where I found peace and quiet.

00:07:10The peace of waves forever breaking on the shore.

00:07:13The quiet of tranquil moonlight on the sea.

00:07:16Hawaii.

00:07:18The fingers of the fog steal in.

00:07:20They say you can hear voices.

00:07:22They say it's the dead growing restless and calling to the living.

00:07:26What are you, Grammets from the Moody Blues?

00:07:28Until that evening, Vi came looking for me.

00:07:32Boy, crappy house.

00:07:34I never lied to you.

00:07:35But I always thought that.

00:07:37Look, Vi, whatever you thought is your business.

00:07:40But it's all over, it's finished.

00:07:42You should never have come here and you'll be doing yourself a favor if you take the first boat back.

00:07:46It's over, Ivana.

00:07:47I can't go back without you.

00:07:49Please come back with me, Tom.

00:07:51Just tell me you've changed your mind.

00:07:53Nobody even knows I'm on the island I chartered a private boat over.

00:07:56I won't even go back to the club, I'll quit right now.

00:07:59Jeez, did you have garlic earlier?

00:08:01Fakes realize when a good thing is over.

00:08:03They're the only ones on the island, why are they whispering?

00:08:05A great singer like me doesn't fit in the picture anymore.

00:08:08I hear she's quite young and has money, too.

00:08:12Vi, please understand...

00:08:14I'm a magic man.

00:08:17I need you, Tom.

00:08:19No one will ever love you more than I do.

00:08:21There's something about an aquadolva, man.

00:08:25I'm sorry for everything.

00:08:27Especially putting worms in your bed.

00:08:29Good night, Vi.

00:08:32I still have your letters.

00:08:35Whoa, someone gave her a brosnut.

00:08:37No, honey, no.

00:08:41Hold on.

00:08:43I've never been in the lighthouse before.

00:08:46Show me the light, darling.

00:08:49Got to think.

00:08:56This could be the nursery.

00:08:58They have the bassinet over by the Fresnel lens.

00:09:01What about the letters, Vi?

00:09:03Oh, I never throw anything like that away.

00:09:05You never know when they might come in handy.

00:09:09I wonder how she'd feel if I read them to her.

00:09:12Putting in pertinent footnotes, of course.

00:09:14Like Mad Libs.

00:09:19Or maybe I ought to show them to Elias.

00:09:21I'm sure he'd know what to do with them.

00:09:24How would a lawsuit fit in with your music career, Tom?

00:09:28How would the piano genius of jazz feel about that kind of publicity?

00:09:31Oh, like there's never been a sex scandal in jazz before.

00:09:34Darling, you look as if you were ready to kill me.

00:09:37Bingo.

00:09:38Now you get this straight. I'm marrying Meg.

00:09:41And you get this straight, Tom Stewart.

00:09:43No one will ever have you but me.

00:09:46Scared straight.

00:09:49Help me.

00:09:51Please, Tom, help me.

00:09:53What? Huh?

00:09:55Oh, honey, your telephone's ringing. I've got to go.

00:09:58Bye.

00:09:59Please, Tom, please.

00:10:01Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

00:10:03Please, help me.

00:10:05Please.

00:10:08Hold on. I've decided to save you.

00:10:11Oh, shoot.

00:10:13I'll know it to myself. Never date in a lighthouse.

00:10:16Miss Johnson, send in another fiancé.

00:10:22Next week on Tormented.

00:10:28Tonight's episode, Jonathan Livingston murder.

00:10:32Hi, I'm Bill Baroud for World of Adventure.

00:10:37Oh, jeez, she really came apart on the rocks.

00:10:45No, that's not her.

00:10:51Spaulding old man.

00:10:58Hey, it looks like the dad from Flippers, right?

00:11:01Ow, ow, ow.

00:11:14Well, now he's body surfing, literally.

00:11:17Boom.

00:11:19Oh, nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.

00:11:23I've got to make this my daily ritual here.

00:11:27Catch a wave and you're standing on top of a girl.

00:11:33Tonight on a very special Baywatch.

00:11:37Look, I'm really sorry about last night. Can I make it up to you?

00:11:40Here, folks, you take her.

00:11:44Here, you be Deborah Kerr, I'll be Burt Lancaster.

00:11:51Oh, she's turning into a Caesar salad.

00:11:57Hmm.

00:11:59It's sort of an herbal wrap, isn't it?

00:12:05What, no croutons?

00:12:07Somebody help me!

00:12:09Leave it to Jeff, I'm funny.

00:12:12Who is it?

00:12:13It's me, Sandy.

00:12:14Your little conscience.

00:12:15Sandy.

00:12:16What are you doing?

00:12:17Sandy, look, do me a favor, will you, and run out and play somewhere. I'm busy.

00:12:22Oh, I see another corpse turned into seaweed.

00:12:27Nip, nip, nip, nip, nip, nip.

00:12:31Don't you like me anymore?

00:12:33You're assuming I liked you in the first place.

00:12:35I like you, I love you. I just want to be by myself.

00:12:39Where were you last night?

00:12:41Oh, killin' some...

00:12:42Oh, no!

00:12:43The Emerson's had a beach barbecue, and everyone on the island was there.

00:12:46So tough.

00:12:47Meg was looking all over for you.

00:12:49Sandy, please run along.

00:12:51Okay.

00:12:53Sorry to disturb you.

00:12:56I almost forgot.

00:12:58The wedding announcers came, and Mommy wants you to look at one before we send them out.

00:13:03There's only a week till the big day.

00:13:05Oh, okay, okay.

00:13:08What's that?

00:13:13Look at that, Jeff!

00:13:14I think it's a piece of brain.

00:13:18Wonder what it is.

00:13:20Gilligan, give me that.

00:13:23And it's still ticking.

00:13:24I'm John Cameron Swayze for Timex.

00:13:28Uh...

00:13:30No.

00:13:31I'll take care of it.

00:13:32Oh, jeez.

00:13:33Hayley Mills gets the parent trap.

00:13:34I get stuck in this lousy...

00:13:42I've got to take it easy.

00:13:44I didn't find any dead woman.

00:13:46Only seaweed.

00:13:48I know what's the matter with me.

00:13:50I'm seeing things.

00:13:51I'm letting my imagination run wild.

00:13:53You're also doing voiceovers for crappy movies.

00:13:55Why should it bother me?

00:13:57I didn't do anything to find.

00:13:59I didn't kill her.

00:14:01It's her own fault she's dead.

00:14:02It's her own fault I didn't save her.

00:14:05I love myself unconditionally.

00:14:07I love myself unconditionally.

00:14:09I love myself unconditionally.

00:14:16I need a vacation.

00:14:17Something urban.

00:14:18The Quad Cities or Davenport.

00:14:23Hmm.

00:14:24I think I'll return to the scene of the crime

00:14:25to cheer myself up.

00:14:28It worked!

00:14:31Honey, I'm home!

00:14:33Oh, yeah, you're dead.

00:14:36The long and winding stairs.

00:14:43Boy, you know a pair of pants

00:14:45would feel real good right about now.

00:14:49I'm going to pad out the film starting now.

00:14:57Oh, geez, her butt must have weighed a ton.

00:15:02Lock's in place.

00:15:03I'm ready for my next victim.

00:15:06Oh, that Columbo's not going to figure this out.

00:15:12Now cut that out!

00:15:14She came out here a girl in a cord?

00:15:16No, it was a camera.

00:15:17She fell.

00:15:18Wasn't my fault if it gave way?

00:15:20Why should I be blamed?

00:15:21I had nothing to do with it.

00:15:23Anyway, nobody ever needs to know.

00:15:25Nobody will even connect me with her.

00:15:27Why should they?

00:15:29Except for this watch of hers.

00:15:32Two skips.

00:15:34That's the end of you.

00:15:39You're going to die, you evil man!

00:15:43I know it.

00:15:44I'm living it.

00:15:47Oh, I hate Mondays.

00:15:55Oh, the bridge club will be here any minute

00:15:57and I'm not ready.

00:15:59Geez, days like this,

00:16:00I just feel like having a shower,

00:16:02a sandwich, and straight to bed.

00:16:06Is that you, Bird-Eye Gordon?

00:16:11Oh, my ten o'clock.

00:16:13I'll be right with you.

00:16:14Tom?

00:16:15She's wearing today's paper.

00:16:18Meg.

00:16:19It will come back to you.

00:16:21Meg, it's you.

00:16:24This is the greatest chick-trap ever invented.

00:16:28Oh, no, no.

00:16:29It's just that I wasn't expecting anyone.

00:16:31Anyone alive, anyway.

00:16:33What are you doing up here?

00:16:34I'm looking for you.

00:16:37What are you doing up here in this old white house?

00:16:39Well, I...

00:16:40I live here.

00:16:41At least it's quiet. I, uh...

00:16:44I wanted to think.

00:16:47I guess I'm worried about that Carnegie Hall thing next month.

00:16:50I wonder if I'm good enough.

00:16:51Yeah, being an usher is a big responsibility.

00:16:54You're the best jazz pianist in the world.

00:16:56Oh, yeah, much better than Art Tatum, Bud Powell, Bill Evans.

00:17:01I've never loved anyone before in my life.

00:17:03Not that survived, anyway.

00:17:09Hmm? Eclipse? Here?

00:17:11Smell perfume.

00:17:13Oh, I like to wear Chanel No. 5 just to...

00:17:16Perfumer, hey.

00:17:18I, uh, wanted to smell pretty for you.

00:17:21It's cold and gloomy in here.

00:17:24Just think of creeps having that big lap staring at us.

00:17:27I hate the prying eyes of furniture.

00:17:29Since the lights stopped working.

00:17:30Glad they're going to tear it down.

00:17:33Well, let's go out back to the sun's warmer.

00:17:36Yeah.

00:17:37What a morning, huh?

00:17:39Ay-yi-yi.

00:17:42Coming?

00:17:43No, I didn't kill her. I'm...

00:17:47Your swimsuit looks like it's made out of S&H green stamps.

00:17:56Thanks a lot, bye.

00:18:04Tonight from the crypt, I want to bury a lighthouse keeper.

00:18:12Sessions presents soft rock classics.

00:18:14Leo Sayers.

00:18:16And Murray.

00:18:19And many more.

00:18:32Honey, shut up.

00:18:38No, I want to kill you now.

00:18:42No.

00:18:44Wait a minute.

00:18:45Didn't Vi die in pumps and she's back...

00:18:48She's barefooted.

00:18:49Honey, are you carrying a pack of theremin?

00:18:52Thank you so much, Tom.

00:18:54You love me, don't you?

00:18:57My braces!

00:19:04Wait a minute, were you just walking on all fours?

00:19:06What?

00:19:08Did you see anything?

00:19:13There's nothing to see.

00:19:14What's there?

00:19:16Water, source of all life. It's wet, why?

00:19:22It's not wet.

00:19:25It's feathers.

00:19:27Roy, you thief.

00:19:29Thanks.

00:19:31I've got to get out of here.

00:19:33Right away.

00:19:34I need air.

00:19:35Thanks.

00:19:36Let's elope.

00:19:37We can catch a boat to the mainland and be married this afternoon.

00:19:40What?

00:19:41About the wedding.

00:19:42Well, I was never for a big deal anyway.

00:19:44I only agreed to it because you wanted it.

00:19:46Man, did I still want it?

00:19:48Please, Meg, please, do this for me.

00:19:50Just go away with me right now.

00:19:52I told you that's impossible.

00:19:55I had my mother and father to think of as well as you.

00:19:58I'll have to go by myself.

00:20:00Elope by yourself?

00:20:01About the wedding.

00:20:04What about it, Meg?

00:20:07If you go, there won't be one, I'm sorry.

00:20:11Elope by himself?

00:20:12Meg.

00:20:13What's he going to do? Carry himself over the threshold?

00:20:17Men.

00:20:24Sam?

00:20:28Sessions presents David Soul.

00:20:30Don't give up on us, babe.

00:20:32Now you will perform the greatest of all magic accomplishments

00:20:35ever performed on this island.

00:20:37The secret cabinet.

00:20:38Don't you have your own family, kid?

00:20:40The cabinet is empty.

00:20:42Tom?

00:20:43Tom, you're not paying any attention.

00:20:45Oh, I'm waiting for the waitress.

00:20:46Don't you want to see the secret cabinet?

00:20:49Oh, sure I do. I wouldn't miss it.

00:20:51Go ahead.

00:20:52If I close the doors to the magic cabinet

00:20:55and say the magic words

00:20:57and tap it with my magic wand

00:20:59out of the cabinet...

00:21:00I saw her do this in Vegas.

00:21:02Where's my drink?

00:21:04It is now filled with jelly beans.

00:21:07Tom Stewart.

00:21:09Oh, Fermit.

00:21:10Find one you are.

00:21:14Sandy.

00:21:16Sandy.

00:21:17If you hate me for the rest of your life, I deserve it.

00:21:20I couldn't hate you no matter what you did.

00:21:23I killed someone.

00:21:24No matter what I do.

00:21:25No matter what.

00:21:26Even like fighting with your sister?

00:21:28Meg's mad at me, you know.

00:21:29She'll get over it.

00:21:30But, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me.

00:21:34Hmm?

00:21:35Okay.

00:21:36From now on, you're the other woman in my life.

00:21:39Put her down, Jerry Lee.

00:21:40Okay.

00:21:41Oh, we gotta go.

00:21:42You run along now. I got some practice to do.

00:21:44I'll clean up your magic stuff.

00:21:45Bye.

00:21:47Bye, Tom.

00:21:48What?

00:21:59Kennedy would have won even without Texas.

00:22:01He didn't need Johnson.

00:22:02True, true.

00:22:03But still, it must have been nice to win Texas.

00:22:05It probably made him feel real good.

00:22:07What's going on up there?

00:22:08It's me, Joel.

00:22:09I'm cleaning up.

00:22:10You guys left crunch berries everywhere up here.

00:22:13That's great.

00:22:14Try to keep quiet, will you?

00:22:15We're talking here.

00:22:16Oh, great.

00:22:17Relax while I clean up your mess.

00:22:19Okay, great.

00:22:20Let us know if we can help.

00:22:21Anyway, Servo, Johnson, Schmonzen, you can't say that...

00:22:24Whoa!

00:22:25Hey, Joel!

00:22:26What are you doing?

00:22:27Do you have any self-control at all?

00:22:29I fell.

00:22:30I'm hanging here by one arm.

00:22:31You guys have to help me.

00:22:33Oh, Tom, did you hear that?

00:22:34We have to help Joel.

00:22:36Yeah, as a general rule, I don't like being told what I have to do.

00:22:39Something about it just gets to me.

00:22:41Yeah, well, I guess the cat's on the other foot now, huh?

00:22:44Maybe we should at least consider helping him, though.

00:22:46He does owe me two space credits.

00:22:48Oh, I'm willing to consider it.

00:22:50Come on, you guys.

00:22:52There may be a few changes around here, though, Joel.

00:22:55For instance, how late can we stay up tonight?

00:22:58Eight-thirty, same as always.

00:23:00Oh, okay.

00:23:02Joel, your arm getting tired?

00:23:03Okay, nine!

00:23:09Come on!

00:23:10You know, Joel, I think I'd like to be taller than you and more popular.

00:23:14Look at that.

00:23:15What a pathetic figure.

00:23:17Oh, Joel!

00:23:18What?

00:23:19I'm very sorry.

00:23:21It's just that you put us in a rather unusual situation.

00:23:24Hey, let's have a nice smoked duck and goat cheese pizza tonight, huh?

00:23:28Come on, you guys really expect me to make that?

00:23:31No, no, Mr. Robinson.

00:23:33I expect you to die!

00:23:35Come on, you have to help me!

00:23:38There he goes again!

00:23:39Boy, that makes me angry!

00:23:41And hungry.

00:23:42Hey, let's dig into those Super Mario fruit chunks, okay?

00:23:44Great idea.

00:23:45I've got a date with Mrs. Butterworth.

00:23:47Sounds delicious.

00:23:55Oh, man, I've got an Indian jumpsuit.

00:24:00You have nice calves.

00:24:03Let's see, uh...

00:24:05Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

00:24:10Oh, I feel so bad.

00:24:14I'm gonna kill me a girlfriend.

00:24:16Yes, yes.

00:24:17And marry the girl I need.

00:24:19Testify.

00:24:20Gonna kill me a girlfriend.

00:24:22Mm-hmm.

00:24:23She'll turn into seaweed.

00:24:24Mm-hmm.

00:24:25It's the blues.

00:24:26She'll be wailing cause of my dirty deed.

00:24:30Matt Fawlty, Lighthouse Railing, baby.

00:24:32Ooh.

00:24:33What is this, a Better Homes and Gardens video?

00:24:35Mm-hmm.

00:24:37Ooh, baby.

00:24:45Oh, suddenly he's writing a Charles Ives piece.

00:24:51It's a pencil sharpener on the end there.

00:24:53Aaron Sessions.

00:24:54I'm tormented by my love for you.

00:25:05Milton Bradley presents Tormented, where you're the killer, woman not included.

00:25:10Hey.

00:25:13I wonder if this is on CD.

00:25:17Tormented.

00:25:19Now it's a coaster.

00:25:25Where was I?

00:25:29Hey.

00:25:30Now I do have the blues.

00:25:32Empty arms.

00:25:36Now cut that out.

00:25:37I embrace the memory.

00:25:43All right, Alan Funt, where are you?

00:25:48Oops.

00:25:49Ah, cripes, I just remembered.

00:25:50I borrowed this from the library.

00:25:55Who's there?

00:25:56It's the seventh, Tom.

00:25:57Oh, hiya, Mr. B.

00:25:58Hey, it's a blind lemon pledge.

00:25:59I brought you some flowers.

00:26:00Oh, yeah, just put that in the cold fish bowl.

00:26:01Something the matter, Tom?

00:26:02Who makes you say that?

00:26:03You sound upset.

00:26:04Perhaps I should have told you.

00:26:05I'm sorry.

00:26:06I'm sorry.

00:26:07I'm sorry.

00:26:08I'm sorry.

00:26:09I'm sorry.

00:26:10I'm sorry.

00:26:11I'm sorry.

00:26:12I'm sorry.

00:26:13I'm sorry.

00:26:14I'm sorry.

00:26:15I'm sorry.

00:26:16I'm sorry.

00:26:17I'm sorry.

00:26:18I'm sorry.

00:26:19I'm sorry.

00:26:20I'm sorry.

00:26:21I'm sorry.

00:26:22I'm sorry.

00:26:24Perhaps I'd better check you another time.

00:26:26Oh, no.

00:26:27No, Mrs. Ellis.

00:26:28Don't come in.

00:26:29Sit down.

00:26:30Thank you for the flowers.

00:26:31They're lovely.

00:26:32Watch out, Mr. Buckle.

00:26:33Watch out, honey.

00:26:34Look out.

00:26:37Mrs. Ellis, I want to ask you something.

00:26:40How many fingers am I holding up?

00:26:42Stop it.

00:26:43It sounds kind of silly, but would you believe that the spirits of the dead can come back

00:26:47to haunt the living?

00:26:49Do you believe in ghosts?

00:26:51Do you believe in peanut butter?

00:26:52What makes you ask a thing like that?

00:26:54You haven't answered, Mrs. Ellis.

00:26:56Nobody believes in ghosts nowadays.

00:26:59Do you?

00:27:01If anybody was to ask me seriously, I would have to say no.

00:27:04What if I asked you dressed in a clown suit?

00:27:06Of course, a real estate agent runs into many strange things in an empty house sometimes.

00:27:10What kind of things?

00:27:12Well, there was a family named Samuels.

00:27:15They lived in that last house down the beach.

00:27:17On the left?

00:27:19One day, their little boy took his dog and went fishing.

00:27:23They never came back, and nobody knows what happened to them.

00:27:26Coincidence?

00:27:27Read the book.

00:27:28After the Samuels moved away, I signed three tenants during that first month, but not one

00:27:34of them would stay more than a few days.

00:27:36Believe it or not.

00:27:38That doesn't prove anything.

00:27:40They complained about an unseen dog whining and scratching at the door, but that wasn't

00:27:45what made them break their lease.

00:27:47The dog piddled the carpet, and I evicted them.

00:27:49It was the cold up in the boy's room.

00:27:51Oh, yeah.

00:27:52You could feel it in your bones.

00:27:54A deathly cold.

00:27:57The walls were always damp and stained with seawater.

00:28:01Whatever caused it, the thing came back every night.

00:28:04Did you ever see it, Mrs. Ellis?

00:28:07It's been many years since I've seen anything.

00:28:09Oh, he deserved that.

00:28:11I keep forgetting.

00:28:12Did anybody see it?

00:28:13You keep forgetting?

00:28:14You say they found wet seaweed on the boy's bed.

00:28:18But you can't call wet seaweed a ghost, can you?

00:28:22Tom, what's wrong?

00:28:25Well, I pushed this wall.

00:28:26I mean, uh, nothing.

00:28:28You're running away from something.

00:28:31You read me like a cheap novel.

00:28:33Well, Tom?

00:28:35Well, the truth is I'm a crappy jazz musician, all right?

00:28:38Something I can't believe exists myself.

00:28:44If it does exist, you can't solve anything by running.

00:28:48Well, how about speed walking?

00:28:50Then, on the other hand, if it doesn't exist, there's nothing to run from.

00:28:55Did you read that in a fortune cookie?

00:28:57You're a very wise woman, Mrs. Ellis.

00:29:00It's just too bad you've got green and pink on.

00:29:03Oh, and thanks for the flowers.

00:29:05They're beautiful.

00:29:08Come back soon.

00:29:12Look out!

00:29:15Sessions presents Paper Lace.

00:29:17Tonight, Chicago died.

00:29:24Now, go away.

00:29:25No, I pledge allegiance to the flag.

00:29:27Hallowed be thy name.

00:29:30No, leave me alone.

00:29:34Typical lazy musician. Get up.

00:29:38Well, suddenly it's the song of Bernadette here.

00:29:44Help me!

00:29:49Where's my watch?

00:29:52Help me, Obi-Wan. You're my last hope.

00:29:57Seems refreshed.

00:29:59Help me, Tom! Help me!

00:30:03I thought I'd changed for the dream sequence.

00:30:06Help me!

00:30:12What do you know?

00:30:15Now I'm in the seven-year itch.

00:30:18Aye-aye.

00:30:19Con Dios.

00:30:21Aye.

00:30:23Oh, man, I've got a headache this big,

00:30:25and it's got Bird-Eye Gordon written all over it.

00:30:28I've got to get back to bed.

00:30:30Wait a minute.

00:30:31I'm in bed.

00:30:37She's so transparent.

00:30:39No, go away. You're dead. Leave me alone.

00:30:41No, go away. You're dead. Leave me alone.

00:30:50Oh, terrific. I killed the Landers sisters.

00:30:55Can't decide which one of you scares me more.

00:30:58Aye.

00:31:01Savoir faire is everywhere.

00:31:07Save me, Tom.

00:31:08Oh, look at her life.

00:31:09Oh, Sally.

00:31:12It's Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills in The Death Trap.

00:31:22Damn, I'm still a crappy musician.

00:31:33Oh, great. Sixty minutes is after me.

00:31:42Well, this belonged to V.I. Warshawski.

00:31:47All right, Louie, come out with your hands up.

00:31:58Oh, great. I left the house on again.

00:32:00Dude.

00:32:12Sessions presents Hamilton, Joe, Frank and Reynolds.

00:32:16Don't pour your love out on me, honey.

00:32:18Commodores.

00:32:19You're once, twice, three times a lady.

00:32:22Sally Johns.

00:32:23Made love in my Chevy van and that's all right with me.

00:32:27There's a big band up in the lighthouse. Cuckoo.

00:32:30Hey, could you turn it down? Some of us have to work in the morning.

00:32:36You know, he's going to have huge calves by the end of this movie.

00:32:39Scare Master.

00:32:43Nelson Riddle, keep it down.

00:32:52Why?

00:32:54Look, it can make huge shadows on the ocean.

00:32:58Why?

00:32:59Why ask why?

00:33:03You can't hear me, can you?

00:33:06Because you don't even exist.

00:33:08Chuck Norris in Octagon.

00:33:10A shadow, perhaps.

00:33:12Light, perhaps.

00:33:14A bit of beef, an underdone potato.

00:33:17Perhaps.

00:33:18But try just in case you can hear me.

00:33:23I've come to tell you this.

00:33:25You smell bad and you broke my railing.

00:33:27I'm not going to pay any attention to you anymore.

00:33:29And where'd you put my dress shoes?

00:33:33I'm going to live my life right here.

00:33:35Okay.

00:33:36I'm going to stop running.

00:33:38And I'm going to marry Meg, Vi.

00:33:41I'm going to marry Meg.

00:33:43Vi.

00:33:46That's all I came to say.

00:33:48Vi, come on. Pick up. I know you're there, Vi. Come on.

00:33:51I never existed.

00:33:54And I'm going to marry Meg.

00:33:56Really, I am.

00:33:58You know, ever notice there's no bugs around that light?

00:34:01Hmm. It's yellow, I think.

00:34:08Just in case you can hear me, Vi.

00:34:11Good night.

00:34:13And goodbye.

00:34:15I'll be making your life a living hell.

00:34:17Good night.

00:34:19No one will ever have you with me.

00:34:22Can't hear you.

00:34:23The lighthouse can't hear you.

00:34:27Of all the lighthouses in all the world, she had to fall off a mine.

00:34:31Yeah, that's a good idea. The music will drive her away.

00:34:35Driving me away?

00:34:38Will you?

00:34:39Well, all right.

00:34:41There's coke in the refrigerator. Help yourself.

00:34:43Okay.

00:34:44And there's a mirror on the table. Razor blade.

00:34:53I'd like to teach the world to sing, hey.

00:34:57Hey, that's a St. Paul-y girl. Put that down.

00:35:01Mrs. Elf said you wanted to sing. What about?

00:35:04What about?

00:35:06I, uh, sit down.

00:35:07I need some help with Autumn Leaves.

00:35:09I wondered if you'd, uh, talk to your sister Meg for me.

00:35:12Tell her how sorry I am.

00:35:14Okay.

00:35:15You tell her I behaved like a little boy and I'm ashamed of myself.

00:35:19I'll tell her.

00:35:21She didn't call anything off.

00:35:23She didn't?

00:35:24Uh-uh.

00:35:25Guess she's ready to make up.

00:35:28Buy her something from Victoria's Secret.

00:35:31Are you all ready?

00:35:32Yeah, I'm all ready.

00:35:33You got the ring and everything?

00:35:36Let me see.

00:35:37How come you're not wearing any pants?

00:35:39Oh.

00:35:40Okay.

00:35:41Say.

00:35:45Oh, did you write that? That's fantastic.

00:35:52Wow.

00:35:53It's gorgeous.

00:35:55But things are moving too fast.

00:35:57You're lucky.

00:35:59Can I try it on?

00:36:00Sure.

00:36:01On what, your wrist?

00:36:03What I really want is one of my own.

00:36:05Well, you might be just a little bit young.

00:36:08I know.

00:36:09Dear little Sandy, she's just a child.

00:36:12Why, do you know how old I am?

00:36:14Practically nine.

00:36:16Why, in China, and Borneo, and India, and places like that,

00:36:20girls already have husbands at my age.

00:36:23I'd get married tomorrow if I could find someone like you.

00:36:27Well, let me call Bill Wyman.

00:36:29Can't I please try it on?

00:36:31I just put it on your finger.

00:36:33What on my finger?

00:36:34The ring.

00:36:35Who has the ring?

00:36:37That's what I said.

00:36:38Third base.

00:36:43Whoa.

00:36:44Oh, thank you, thing.

00:36:45Give me five.

00:36:46Give me five.

00:36:48It's the ghost of senior winces.

00:36:56What's the matter?

00:36:57Did you drop it?

00:36:59Couldn't fall far.

00:37:01It's got to be somewhere.

00:37:03Jazz hands.

00:37:04Jazz hands.

00:37:05Sandy, Sandy, don't touch it.

00:37:07What time?

00:37:08That, right there.

00:37:09Sit, thing.

00:37:10Sit.

00:37:11It's sitting there.

00:37:13Could I have another St. Pauly girl?

00:37:20On my summer vacation, I babysat for a paranoid psychotic.

00:37:24Sandy, tell me the truth.

00:37:25Didn't you see anything right there?

00:37:27Didn't you see anything right there?

00:37:28There wasn't anything to see.

00:37:30It don't hurt.

00:37:32I'm sorry.

00:37:33You need some down time, Uncle Tom.

00:37:35Hello.

00:37:36I'll find the ring later.

00:37:38You run along now, Sandy.

00:37:40I've got to finish my practice.

00:37:42Gilligan.

00:37:43Bye, Sandy.

00:37:44I'll see you later.

00:37:47You'll be all right, Uncle Tom.

00:37:50Oh, that hand was a nice touch, Vi.

00:37:52I know now you've come back.

00:37:54Guy.

00:37:56But it won't do you any good.

00:37:58Because I'm going to marry Meg.

00:38:01Now.

00:38:04What did you do with the ring, Vi?

00:38:08Vi!

00:38:09What did you do with that ring?

00:38:14Sessions presents summer hits.

00:38:16Jerry Jacks.

00:38:17We had joy, we had fun.

00:38:19Mark Lindsay.

00:38:20Indiana wants me.

00:38:22Paul Anka.

00:38:23Having my baby.

00:38:24Barry Manilow.

00:38:25No, I can't smile without you.

00:38:28Mickey Lawrence.

00:38:29That's the night that the lights went out in Georgia.

00:38:31Rupert Holmes.

00:38:32If you like me, you can love Donovan.

00:38:35Way down upon the ocean.

00:38:37Olivia Newton-John.

00:38:38I honestly love you.

00:38:40Bobby Goldsboro.

00:38:41And honey, I miss you.

00:38:43And many more.

00:38:47They want us to move closer.

00:38:49What?

00:38:50Let's go somewhere quiet like the bus station.

00:38:54I don't understand what you're going to say.

00:38:56I'm going to say, because it's really loud here.

00:38:59No more questions.

00:39:01You know what's wrong with you?

00:39:03What?

00:39:04You've been working too hard, getting ready for your concert.

00:39:06You've been murdering too hard.

00:39:07You've had a boldly life here on the island with all your musician friends.

00:39:10It's been getting you down.

00:39:12But I'll think of all that once we're married.

00:39:15Maybe you better tell your mother that the wedding's on again.

00:39:18He's marrying her mother?

00:39:20You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

00:39:23You know, the first thing you're going to do is have a long vacation.

00:39:26In hell.

00:39:27A whole month's honeymoon in Europe.

00:39:29Uh-uh.

00:39:30You know how many hit records I'd have to sell to pay for that?

00:39:33More than Elvis or the Beatles.

00:39:35His wedding present to us.

00:39:36He wanted to tell you himself, but he won't be here to write for the wedding.

00:39:40And when we get back, I'm going to have a big party,

00:39:43so I can get to know all your friends.

00:39:45Before you kill them all.

00:39:46They'll be living in a three-room apartment.

00:39:48Mother and daddy won't mind if we use their house in Bel Air.

00:39:51Now that I'm getting married, it's too big for them anyway,

00:39:53so I'll be turning it over to us for good one of these days.

00:39:56Are you trying to spoil me?

00:39:58Kind of like Vi's body is spoiling.

00:40:02Come on up to the house a minute.

00:40:03I want you to see something.

00:40:04Yes.

00:40:05My wedding gown.

00:40:06Isn't that supposed to be bad luck?

00:40:08You're not superstitious about things like that, are you?

00:40:11No, no, of course not.

00:40:13Look out for that hand, though, whatever you do.

00:40:22The Snowbird sings the song he always sang.

00:40:31Hey, uh, Joe, what's going on?

00:40:32Oh, well, Crow, in today's experiment,

00:40:34the main character allowed a singer to plummet to her death,

00:40:37and I thought it'd be interesting if we were to take some of today's singers and...

00:40:40And make them plummet to their death?

00:40:42What a great idea!

00:40:43Joe Robinson, I could kiss you.

00:40:45Hey, wait a minute.

00:40:46Nobody is going to plummet to their death here.

00:40:48You know, we'll put a trampoline down there,

00:40:50attach a bungee cord...

00:40:51To their necks.

00:40:52No, nobody's going to get killed.

00:40:54We just want to put the fear of God into them for a little bit, okay?

00:40:57So, which of today's pop singers would you like to see drop from a tall lighthouse?

00:41:02Oh, well, my first choice would be Kenny Rogers.

00:41:04I'd like to watch him hang by his beard for a while

00:41:06till he pleaded for mercy and finally admitted that he was the coward of the county.

00:41:10Ruben James!

00:41:12You know, I'd like to see the Manhattan Transfer all plunge to their doom.

00:41:16Instead of singing scat, they'd just be scat.

00:41:22Oh, fun.

00:41:23Hey, don't forget Kenny Loggins.

00:41:25Oh, no, he's too skinny. He'd just float.

00:41:27Oh, well, then Jim Messina.

00:41:29Okay.

00:41:30I think I'm going to have a son.

00:41:32Let's try Kenny Loggins anyway.

00:41:33Okay.

00:41:34Falling into the danger zone.

00:41:36He felt good.

00:41:37You know, now remember, we're not killing anybody.

00:41:39Oh, yes, we are.

00:41:40What about Dr. Hook?

00:41:42Physician, heal thyself.

00:41:44Jonathan Edwards.

00:41:45Donovan.

00:41:47Lionel Richie.

00:41:49Michael Bolton.

00:41:50Ben Cedric.

00:41:51Michael Frank.

00:41:52Popsicle Toast.

00:41:53New Kids on the Block.

00:41:55Starland Vocal Band.

00:41:56Afternoon to Die.

00:41:58Carnage.

00:42:01It's pretty fun.

00:42:02Do you guys mind if I try one?

00:42:03Oh, sure.

00:42:04Okay, how about Peter Himmelman?

00:42:10That felt good.

00:42:11Okay, time's running out.

00:42:12You each get one more choice.

00:42:14One more choice, okay?

00:42:17Oh, Ann Marie.

00:42:23Classic choice, Crow.

00:42:24Okay, okay.

00:42:25Kenny Rogers.

00:42:26You picked him already.

00:42:27I know, but I'm still mad about Six Pack.

00:42:29Good point.

00:42:30Down you go.

00:42:31Don't take your love to die.

00:42:37You know, guys, this whole exercise was really kind of juvenile.

00:42:40Yeah, pretty destructive and negative.

00:42:42Yeah, I thought it'd be kind of cathartic,

00:42:44but it really wasn't, was it?

00:42:46Darn right it was!

00:42:47Right, Fielder!

00:42:48All right, we got it moving, sir!

00:42:50Let's go!

00:43:00Hey, all right!

00:43:03Come on, Fielder.

00:43:04Hello.

00:43:05Hello, stranger.

00:43:07You've been cheating yourself lately.

00:43:09Some beautiful gifts have arrived,

00:43:10and you haven't seen any of them.

00:43:11Hey, look at this!

00:43:12But you're in here anyway.

00:43:14Hey, look at me!

00:43:15I won the Stanley Cup!

00:43:18Ah, geez, she's into the Excelsior again.

00:43:21Another one!

00:43:22Uh-oh.

00:43:23There's my girl.

00:43:25Just who is he marrying?

00:43:26Hi, Tom.

00:43:27Hi.

00:43:28Lolita.

00:43:29Is everything made up with you and Nick?

00:43:30Oh, I'm working on it.

00:43:32I don't tell anybody about my tripping out.

00:43:34Nice girl.

00:43:36Hi, Miss Ellis.

00:43:37Tom.

00:43:38Another pair!

00:43:39I know!

00:43:40People must think newlyweds

00:43:41live on lettuce by candlelight.

00:43:43Just make nine pairs of candlesticks

00:43:45and twelve salad bowls,

00:43:46and more are coming

00:43:47every time the mailboat arrives.

00:43:49Nick got her wedding gown today,

00:43:50and Tom...

00:43:51Ah, that voice!

00:43:53What a bride goes through

00:43:54to make herself attractive for you men.

00:43:56Ladies, back me up on this!

00:43:57Three fittings to get the bodice right,

00:43:59and three layers of net

00:44:00to make the skirts full enough.

00:44:03That seems worth it.

00:44:04After all, I'm only their stranger.

00:44:06Don't look now, but Arthur Murray's here.

00:44:09Sandy, see if there's a window open.

00:44:11There's a cold draft all of a sudden.

00:44:13Gee, I could go for a cold draft right now.

00:44:16Sandy, check the door.

00:44:17Sandy, do this.

00:44:18I have to do everything.

00:44:20Change the oil on the car.

00:44:22Maybe I should chill the champagne, huh?

00:44:24How about that?

00:44:27You know, booze is your best drug value.

00:44:29What's that twit smell?

00:44:30Jagermeister, honey.

00:44:31Must be the fresh roses.

00:44:34My roses never smelled like that.

00:44:36But it must be you.

00:44:38It's a woman's perfume.

00:44:40Help me make room for these, dear.

00:44:42In my day, it wasn't candlesticks,

00:44:44it was teaspoons.

00:44:45Shut up.

00:44:46I received no less than 78 of them

00:44:47when we were married.

00:44:49I think that's the reason for his attitude.

00:44:50Let's ditch her.

00:44:51When he went back to the mainland,

00:44:52he said he was going to go right to the office

00:44:54and stay there until the wedding.

00:44:56I'm sure you'll never treat your wife

00:44:57like that, will you, Tom?

00:44:58You cleared the room, Grandma.

00:45:00You can hear me.

00:45:02Where is he?

00:45:03Where is he?

00:45:08Whoa!

00:45:09Next.

00:45:11Guess she didn't like it.

00:45:13My wedding dress!

00:45:14Now it's garbage.

00:45:16What is it?

00:45:17What did she find?

00:45:19Seaweed.

00:45:20Well, she did ask for the mermaid cut.

00:45:22Well, we'll change the bridesmaid's dresses to green.

00:45:28Tom?

00:45:29Yes, Miss Ellis?

00:45:30No, I wasn't pretending I was a playmate.

00:45:34I brought you some honey.

00:45:36Or it might be motor oil.

00:45:37I'll just put it on the bar here.

00:45:40Let's wrestle.

00:45:41Now.

00:45:45I really brought the honey only as an excuse

00:45:47because I knew you were upset.

00:45:50Tom, there's nothing supernatural

00:45:52about what happened to Meg's dress.

00:45:54There must be a logical explanation.

00:45:57I know, I know.

00:45:58Maybe she was rolling sushi on it.

00:45:59Seaweed.

00:46:00It's just like that Samuel's boy.

00:46:02There have been no recent deaths, Tom.

00:46:05Define recent.

00:46:08Anyway, I'm sure of one thing.

00:46:09I'm a turtle.

00:46:10I've had enough of her.

00:46:11Who are you talking about?

00:46:13Oh, a friend I used to have.

00:46:16A girl named Vi.

00:46:18That I don't have anymore.

00:46:19She came over here to the island this evening.

00:46:22So we quarreled.

00:46:23Off the island.

00:46:24Up the lighthouse.

00:46:25She died.

00:46:26Didn't, didn't.

00:46:27Well, at any rate, she went back to the mainland.

00:46:29The girl thing.

00:46:30Are you sure that's what happened?

00:46:32What do you mean, am I sure?

00:46:33Well, maybe she didn't go back to the mainland.

00:46:36Maybe this girl Vi is still here

00:46:38and is playing tricks to get even.

00:46:39Hey, check out Peter Lucas.

00:46:41Now, where do you suppose a woman

00:46:42could hide on this island?

00:46:43Who's hiding?

00:46:46Never mind, Sandy.

00:46:47Aye, aye, sir.

00:46:49Things will work out.

00:46:51You'll see.

00:46:56Turn.

00:46:58Turn.

00:47:00Right.

00:47:01Good.

00:47:06Oh, no.

00:47:08Hey, a kitty.

00:47:13Ann B. Davis as Mrs. Longstreet.

00:47:18Mrs. Davis.

00:47:20Mrs. Davis.

00:47:21It sure isn't you.

00:47:24Why are people always saying never mind?

00:47:27Because there are some things

00:47:29that grown-ups don't want children to know about, Sandy.

00:47:32Those are always the most interesting things.

00:47:35And because you're a bad person, Sandy.

00:47:38Never mind.

00:47:39What is she, Liz Smith?

00:47:40Daddy's looking for the lighthouse.

00:47:43He's always hanging around there.

00:47:45The lighthouse is a very dangerous place, Sandy.

00:47:47Go play there, Sandy.

00:47:49It'll soon be torn down.

00:47:51That doesn't keep people from going there.

00:47:53But you mustn't go there, Sandy.

00:47:55Not ever.

00:47:57Run along home now.

00:47:59Gee, you're a spooky old dame.

00:48:03Left, left, Mr. Muggle.

00:48:04Oh, honey, look out.

00:48:05Clunk.

00:48:08The dog's playing a cruel joke on her.

00:48:10Oh, you're not afraid?

00:48:12I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to go in there.

00:48:15I'm surprised at you.

00:48:18You're being as silly as Tom.

00:48:20Don't ever say that.

00:48:23All right.

00:48:24I'll go alone.

00:48:32Young lady.

00:48:34Young lady.

00:48:35Young hello, lady, Mrs. Lady thing.

00:48:39What's Mrs. Butterworth?

00:48:41The lovely perfume you're wearing.

00:48:43It's no use.

00:48:45I know you're in here somewhere.

00:48:49I can hear you, too.

00:48:52Don't you think it's ridiculous to hide?

00:48:54Just a second. I'm in the bathroom.

00:48:56There's something I want to say to you.

00:48:58Grab something out of the fridge. I'll be right down.

00:49:00If you won't, then I'll go up and find you.

00:49:03Well, better unpack another body bag.

00:49:05Yeah.

00:49:08Is she wearing a life jacket under that sweater?

00:49:10No, she's Mrs. Michelin Man.

00:49:14Listen to me, please.

00:49:15Listen to me, please.

00:49:16I don't usually give people advice.

00:49:18But Tom is a dear friend, and I want to ask you to leave him alone.

00:49:23Are you listening to me?

00:49:25You might at least have the politeness to answer.

00:49:29Why, that's a nasty laugh you have.

00:49:32Well, you see, I'm dead, and...

00:49:34What tricks are you up to now?

00:49:36Wait.

00:49:37Listen to me.

00:49:39An agent, Kim Novak, recreates this scene from Vertigo.

00:49:44This place sounds real nice.

00:49:46This place sounds real nice. I love what I think you've done with it.

00:49:51That's the point of being a ghost.

00:49:55I know Meg doesn't concern you.

00:49:57But you wouldn't want to make an innocent person suffer, would you?

00:50:00Well, sure. That's the most fun.

00:50:02I wish you'd speak more with him.

00:50:04What do you want? I'm dead. My larynx is rotten.

00:50:07You're trying to make me sorry for you, I suppose.

00:50:10But I can't help thinking how foolish you are, playing this absurd game.

00:50:14I can't help thinking how foolish she is, climbing up that ladder.

00:50:21Stand still and let me talk to you, please.

00:50:24Hey, I can't see my house from up here.

00:50:26Don't put people all the unhappiness you need to.

00:50:29Time has stopped.

00:50:31I mean, it's fun, but...

00:50:33You don't belong here, you know.

00:50:35Why don't you leave Tom and Meg alone and go back?

00:50:40What are you saying?

00:50:42She's saying, watch that first step.

00:50:44I can't hear you.

00:50:45I'm a 50-meter board.

00:50:48Yeah, the dog's downstairs checking the WAN ads right now.

00:50:53What a fiend you are.

00:50:55I hate these one-woman shows.

00:50:57You're not fooling me.

00:50:59I know exactly what you are.

00:51:02You're a superstar, that's what you are.

00:51:05Mentored, tormented, tormented, tormented, tormented.

00:51:11Oh, John Cage.

00:51:14Not fair.

00:51:16You're getting the party, the presents, the husband.

00:51:19I get nothing.

00:51:21Be nice to me, Peanut.

00:51:23In two more days, I'll be a married woman and you'll miss me.

00:51:25I'll miss Tom more.

00:51:27Sandy!

00:51:28Oh, what a beautiful crystal chamber pot.

00:51:30How's my family?

00:51:31Wrong family.

00:51:32Sandy!

00:51:33Am I too early or too late?

00:51:35I'm so happy you made it in time.

00:51:37You don't think I'd let my daughter marry without her favorite father being around, do you?

00:51:41Well, roll up your sleeves and ditch in.

00:51:43The party's right after tomorrow's rehearsal.

00:51:45Bye, honey.

00:51:46Bye.

00:51:47Do I live here?

00:51:48Where's the groom?

00:51:50Where's my scotch?

00:51:51What's the matter with him?

00:51:52He's been overworking.

00:51:54Are you a human?

00:51:55Piano, I suppose.

00:51:56Please don't start that again.

00:51:59It's bad enough to accept a musician into this family.

00:52:02But a jazz musician is asking too damn much.

00:52:05Why don't you go to bed, dear?

00:52:07You must be tired.

00:52:08You'll stay there for ten years.

00:52:09What's the matter with a jazz musician?

00:52:12Be still, brat.

00:52:15Poor Tom.

00:52:18I think there's enough napkins there.

00:52:20Thank you.

00:52:22Out for more napkins.

00:52:23Ran out of napkins.

00:52:24Need lots of napkins.

00:52:27Oh, this is where they make Cape Cod potato chips.

00:52:30I think I'll check it out.

00:52:32Trick or treat for UNICEF.

00:52:36She sounds like a seal.

00:52:42Well, she's like the Gordon's Fisherman babies.

00:52:48Okay, I'll come back later.

00:52:54Stupid hat tricks.

00:53:00Hey, two-year sobriety.

00:53:03My name is Vi.

00:53:04I'm a schnauzer.

00:53:05I belong to Tom Stewart.

00:53:11What do you know?

00:53:12Vi's fixed the windows and the railings.

00:53:21You call a cab?

00:53:25You live here, kid?

00:53:27Just move away.

00:53:28Don't make me use this thing.

00:53:30Can't you hear me?

00:53:31That's what I ask if you live here.

00:53:33In the lighthouse?

00:53:34No, on the island.

00:53:37On the island.

00:53:38Hey, I'm just a little kid.

00:53:41Look, kid, I really don't care.

00:53:42I'm a New York method actor.

00:53:43Give me a break.

00:53:44I'm looking for a guy called Tom Stewart.

00:53:46Do you know him?

00:53:48What do you want him for?

00:53:50It's Lou Reed.

00:53:51He won $200 on a sweepstakes ticket.

00:53:54I'm here to give him the money.

00:53:55I don't believe you.

00:53:57Okay, I'm from a land of leprechauns, dig?

00:53:59Do you know where he lives?

00:54:01I seem to be having a memory problem.

00:54:03I'll grease my palm with a sawbuck.

00:54:07Fight or flight?

00:54:08Fight or flight?

00:54:12I should have whacked him.

00:54:16Speak to me, old magic pendant.

00:54:22Ah, gee, the kid's singing like a bird.

00:54:27Sessions presents Looking Glass.

00:54:29Brandy, you're a fine girl.

00:54:31What you looking for, Ted?

00:54:36And the colored girls go...

00:54:39Oh, wow.

00:54:41Crazy, Ted.

00:54:43Aren't you lost, buddy?

00:54:44Man, this sure is.

00:54:47Really? Come on in.

00:54:48Can I get you anything?

00:54:49Now, wait a minute.

00:54:52What is this?

00:54:54Look, I don't want nothing from you, Dad.

00:54:55I really don't.

00:54:56She owes me a fin, that's all.

00:54:57I thought it'd be nice to have.

00:54:59And the colored girls go...

00:55:00What are you talking about?

00:55:01Don't sweat, Ted.

00:55:02I don't want nothing from you.

00:55:03She owes me a fin, that's all.

00:55:05In English, please.

00:55:06I don't dig with you, freaky lactose man.

00:55:09You sure have a nice pad, Dad.

00:55:12Now, look, I don't mean to be rude,

00:55:13but you'll either have to tell me what you're talking about

00:55:15or get out of here.

00:55:16Look, the blonde, the one with the...

00:55:18Buick?

00:55:19She owes me some bread, that's all.

00:55:20There's nothing to get bugged about.

00:55:22What she does here is your business.

00:55:25I can see you dig me, Dad.

00:55:27Look, I motored this chick by a mason over to the island.

00:55:30I got a boat.

00:55:31A gravy boat.

00:55:32Now, when she asked me if I'd take her,

00:55:33well, I say okay,

00:55:34but she said she doesn't have the change.

00:55:35This is what she said.

00:55:37Okay, so we make a deal.

00:55:38Five bucks over and five bucks back.

00:55:40So you place the woman in your automobile.

00:55:43I haven't the faintest idea

00:55:44who or what you're talking about.

00:55:46Look, Dad, all I want is the bread.

00:55:48When she didn't show by morning, I figure I'd been had.

00:55:51And I know she didn't go back on the regular run

00:55:52because I asked the putt-putt jockey...

00:55:54Look, no hobble or beatnik, okay?

00:55:56Now, I'm a real square, Dad.

00:55:59I didn't remember the name of the guy she said.

00:56:01Did not.

00:56:03Today I remember.

00:56:04How do you like that?

00:56:07Tom Stewart.

00:56:08Murderer.

00:56:09That's the name of the guy she said when we made the run.

00:56:11So enough of this jazz, Dad.

00:56:13Come on.

00:56:16I have to leave.

00:56:18Get out.

00:56:19Well, maybe I better wait around until the chick shows.

00:56:22You'll do nothing of the...

00:56:23Kind, type, sort.

00:56:25All right.

00:56:27Maybe it's worth the $5 just to get rid of you.

00:56:30Here.

00:56:31There you go.

00:56:32Five bucks, I'm set for life!

00:56:35What you do is your business, Dad.

00:56:36All I want is what's coming to me.

00:56:38Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Hepcat, was it?

00:56:42Um...

00:56:44I'm coming down the road, wild man.

00:56:46Keep on trucking, I think.

00:56:53I think the dog wants to eat.

00:56:55Yeah, I want a kennel-ration omelet.

00:56:57They make a great one here.

00:56:58Be right with you, Mr. Jones.

00:57:00Hey, you're Merritt Stone.

00:57:01That's Merritt Stone.

00:57:02Merritt Stone.

00:57:03Merritt Stone.

00:57:04Please, two Boilermakers and a gravy train with a beer back, bartender.

00:57:10Ah, some light beach fare.

00:57:13There you are.

00:57:15Plenty of pickle?

00:57:17Yes, sirree, plenty of pickle.

00:57:19Hey, we're dressed alike.

00:57:23So, how's life in the Merchant Marine, little girl?

00:57:29Here we are.

00:57:31Tumbler of scotch and a menu.

00:57:34How are you, Mrs. Ellis?

00:57:35Warm, Mr. Nelson.

00:57:36It's a very warm day.

00:57:38I think I'll have something light.

00:57:40Like pork ribs.

00:57:41Egg salad sandwich and a glass of iced tea with lemon.

00:57:44Don't like sugar in my tea, but plenty of lemon.

00:57:47Well, how about a nice hamburger or tuna fish salad?

00:57:51What's the matter with your eggs?

00:57:52Oh, there's nothing the matter with them.

00:57:54I just don't have any.

00:57:55I've been out of eggs for almost a week now.

00:57:57Framer's hen has just stopped laying.

00:57:59It's a funny thing.

00:58:01Nothing like this ever happened before.

00:58:03Except once.

00:58:04About the time of Samuel's wartime.

00:58:06Plot point.

00:58:07Plot point.

00:58:08Plot point.

00:58:09I'd like a tuna fish salad.

00:58:11Just the iced tea.

00:58:12Do you charge extra for the plot point?

00:58:17Oh, this is real gone, daddy-o.

00:58:19Hey, Dad, can I have a Coke?

00:58:21Hey, Pops, catch you on the drink chain.

00:58:23The Harbors had to send over to the mainland special

00:58:25to get some eggs for their party.

00:58:27Can't bake a cake without eggs.

00:58:30Speaking of the wedding, are you still there, Sandy?

00:58:33Yes, ma'am.

00:58:34Shouldn't you be at the rehearsal?

00:58:36Holy cow!

00:58:37Charge it, Mr. Nelson!

00:58:40You know, Mr. Nelson,

00:58:42I wish I could have my sight back

00:58:44long enough to see Tom and Meg marry.

00:58:46They must be a lovely couple.

00:58:48Lady, you're scaring my customers.

00:58:52They're a handsome couple, all right.

00:58:54Tom Stewart's marrying a beautiful gal.

00:58:57A nice, decent family.

00:58:59Tom Stewart?

00:59:00Hey, Dad.

00:59:01What did you say the name of the guy getting spliced was?

00:59:04Tom Stewart.

00:59:05The girl's name is Meg Hubbard.

00:59:10This cat's on to my hip lingo too quick.

00:59:12I am out of here.

00:59:14And little Sandy will be standing here to my right

00:59:16next to the bride.

00:59:18It's not fair.

00:59:19To her right, and you'll be standing here.

00:59:21The parents will be in their pews, and...

00:59:23And then the milkman will enter from the back.

00:59:25May I help you?

00:59:26Yeah, I want to speak to Tom Stewart.

00:59:30Oh, uh, uh, something about, uh,

00:59:32some half and half for the wedding.

00:59:34What? What do you want?

00:59:36A really gone wedding, Papio.

00:59:42Forgive me, Tom, for I have slanged.

00:59:44You're interrupting a wedding rehearsal in there.

00:59:46Like I said, Dad, what you do is your business.

00:59:49I mean, it's crazy with me if you want to marry one chick

00:59:51and keep another one on the side for kicks.

00:59:53Wow.

00:59:54But I feel sort of a responsibility,

00:59:56seeing as how I brought your broad over on my tug.

00:59:59See what I mean?

01:00:00What are you driving at?

01:00:01Come on, Dad, don't you know?

01:00:03I gave you the money you're after.

01:00:04What more do you want?

01:00:05Three more bucks.

01:00:06Our deal is in line for some renegotiation.

01:00:09Tom, hurry! We're waiting for you.

01:00:11Yeah, go ahead, Dad.

01:00:12We'll pick it up later.

01:00:14Time? I've got plenty of.

01:00:16Um, um, okay, then.

01:00:18Sorry I was the wrong Tom Stewart.

01:00:20Hope you find the right Tom Stewart.

01:00:23Mistake.

01:00:24Seems like a really nice guy.

01:00:26Just wish he wasn't blackmailing me.

01:00:33The Nazis fortified Normandy and waited in their beach houses.

01:00:44Wait a minute, he's pulling a shift at his own party.

01:00:49Tomorrow night, I'll be Mrs. Stewart.

01:00:51Isn't that right, Mr. Stewart?

01:00:55I'll be right back.

01:00:57Yeah.

01:00:59Yeah, we're pumped.

01:01:02Double legs, no!

01:01:08All right, come on, you're not Peyton Domingo.

01:01:10I, uh, I wanted to get a drink.

01:01:13Yeah, get a drink.

01:01:14Just one more number.

01:01:15I want to show you something.

01:01:18You played it for her, you can play it for me.

01:01:27Hey, quit talking about me.

01:01:31Oh, nice of Edward Teller to drop by.

01:01:34Well, you know, shouldn't wear buffalo checks.

01:01:37No one should.

01:01:38It's a jazz musician's party and there's not one black person here.

01:01:42I need booze, now.

01:01:44Mm-hmm.

01:01:45Mm-hmm.

01:01:48Drink it, drink it all.

01:01:49All right, I started you, Tom, but tandems are the best kind.

01:01:52I had my mouth open and my eyes closed.

01:01:54What else is new?

01:01:56If you don't like it, I can take another.

01:02:02No.

01:02:04Photographs do add ten pounds.

01:02:06No, that's fine.

01:02:07Are you sure?

01:02:08Not sure.

01:02:09Well, let me look.

01:02:10No, darling, you're really kind of ugly in it.

01:02:12Get a drink.

01:02:15I hate photo collage.

01:02:19Just have a bottle of ketchup here.

01:02:25Tom, what's wrong with you?

01:02:27Nothing.

01:02:28It's only a picture, why are you so upset?

01:02:31I'm not upset.

01:02:32Shut up.

01:02:33Something's bothering you.

01:02:34It's not as if you killed someone.

01:02:36Shut up, shut up.

01:02:37Another girl?

01:02:39You can tell me, I'll try not to be jealous.

01:02:42Well, okay, there's a huge disembodied head floating around your living room.

01:02:46She's dead, she doesn't exist.

01:02:48She's a perfume.

01:02:50She's a footprint, she's a hand.

01:02:52She's a face in a picture.

01:02:54Who could be jealous of Vi?

01:02:56You're talking crazy, Tom.

01:02:59Let me see the picture.

01:03:03You're not making any sense.

01:03:05Look, I'm a musician, what do you want?

01:03:09It's her face between the two of us.

01:03:13That's great, Tom.

01:03:16I don't see anything.

01:03:18Except for a huge disembodied head.

01:03:20You and me.

01:03:22And a dog named E, E-O?

01:03:31So who's Vi?

01:03:34Oh.

01:03:36So a girl named Vi.

01:03:38He didn't want to tell me about her.

01:03:42Did you put out the light?

01:03:44Did you make a tinkle?

01:03:46What's the matter?

01:03:48You don't look too happy.

01:03:50You ought to be.

01:03:52You're getting married tomorrow.

01:03:54Ding dong, the bells are going to chime.

01:03:56Sometimes I wonder the way Tom's been acting lately.

01:03:59Anything Tom does is all right.

01:04:02He's perfect in your eyes, anyhow, isn't he?

01:04:05Don't worry, Sandy, I love him.

01:04:08But his touch repulses me.

01:04:10Every girl has a few last minute doubts.

01:04:13Because he's always around the lighthouse?

01:04:16Because he imagines things that aren't so.

01:04:18Oh, like Macbeth.

01:04:20Everything will be all right.

01:04:22It's late.

01:04:24I'm going to stay up and watch Arsenio.

01:04:27I'll get the window.

01:04:29Oh, hi, Tom.

01:04:32There's a light up there.

01:04:34I wonder who it could be.

01:04:36A boy and a girl, probably. You wouldn't understand.

01:04:38Try me.

01:04:40They used to go there to net.

01:04:42Not anymore.

01:04:44Everybody says it's too cold and damp and smelly.

01:04:47How did you know that about Tom?

01:04:49Does Tom go there with anybody?

01:04:51Or does anybody meet him there?

01:04:53Now who's imagining things?

01:04:55Now who's asking questions?

01:05:02That's probably only a reflection of the moonlight

01:05:04on a loose pane of glass.

01:05:06Why, the devil.

01:05:10Sessions presents...

01:05:14I write the songs that make the something, something...

01:05:23Why, listen, if you're going to haunt me,

01:05:25you'll haunt me on my terms.

01:05:31Ooh, it's getting better.

01:05:36Tom, play Free Bird.

01:05:40Where are you?

01:05:43I'm over here.

01:05:47Okay, put your hands behind you.

01:05:49Now slowly put your wallet on the piano.

01:05:55All right, where?

01:05:57Why, you've lost a lot of weight.

01:06:00Here, let me put a coaster under you.

01:06:08What do you want?

01:06:10My body.

01:06:12I want you, Tom.

01:06:14I want to save you from your own mistakes.

01:06:16My only mistake was in knowing you.

01:06:19And the only way you could correct it

01:06:21was for me to die, wasn't it?

01:06:23It's not my fault you're dead.

01:06:25You're in charge of your own destiny, sister.

01:06:27I could have saved you.

01:06:29Maybe you can make yourself believe that, but not me.

01:06:32I was there, remember?

01:06:34You had to shut me up so you could marry Meg.

01:06:37You got away with that, all right,

01:06:39but now what are you going to do?

01:06:41Ghostbusters!

01:06:43I'll never let you marry Meg.

01:06:45You belong to me, Tom.

01:06:47You belong to a ghost.

01:06:49Can I get you a beer or anything?

01:06:51You have to go from bad to worse to keep it quiet.

01:06:56They got a nice hairstylist in the afterlife.

01:06:58What do you do when Meg gets wild to you?

01:07:00Stop her the same way you stopped me?

01:07:02I didn't kill you, fine.

01:07:04I never killed anybody and I never will.

01:07:07And once I'm married,

01:07:09I'm going to live a very happy, very normal life

01:07:11with Meg and with our friends.

01:07:13And your head.

01:07:14There's really nothing you can do about it.

01:07:16Isn't there?

01:07:18You may have noticed I've found my voice now.

01:07:20I pick things up fast.

01:07:22I'm going to use it to tell the world about you.

01:07:25I told you, Tom, no one will ever have you but me.

01:07:28Stop it, Brian.

01:07:29Try it, Meg.

01:07:31Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:33Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:35Everybody, Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:37Not just the ladies!

01:07:38Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:39Come on, join in!

01:07:40Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:42Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:44Come on, we're going bowling.

01:07:46Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:48Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:50Tom Stewart killed me!

01:07:54It's just like Barton Fink now.

01:07:58Tom Stewart killed me!

01:08:06Hey, nice head.

01:08:07I'd say that's about a four or five pound head.

01:08:12Don't be in such a hurry, Dad.

01:08:13You're always in a hurry.

01:08:14You shouldn't be like that.

01:08:15Give me that.

01:08:16I just want to talk to you, Tom.

01:08:17A nice, friendly talk, that's all.

01:08:19Give me that.

01:08:20And shazam!

01:08:22There's another trick I can't do.

01:08:24Uh, I got these for you.

01:08:27You look sick, Dad.

01:08:29Something's wrong.

01:08:31Look, are you going to talk to me or not?

01:08:32Quit picking your nose.

01:08:33Let's get this thing over with.

01:08:35Okay, I need two quarts of...

01:08:37two percent...

01:08:38of milk in storage.

01:08:39Whatever you want.

01:08:40Like I said, Dad,

01:08:41all I wanted was coming to me.

01:08:43You know, the way it looks to me,

01:08:44we should be sort of partners.

01:08:45I help you, and you help me.

01:08:53Hey, Tom!

01:08:54Fro!

01:08:55Do you guys want to...

01:08:56Ah!

01:08:58It works!

01:08:59Hey, Gypsy!

01:09:00Told you, we're downright terrifying.

01:09:02Okay, how about this?

01:09:03Joel Robinson killed us.

01:09:06Joel Robinson killed us.

01:09:09Joel Robinson killed us.

01:09:11Hey, you guys.

01:09:12What in the world happened over there?

01:09:14I saw Gypsy running away

01:09:15like she'd seen a ghost or something.

01:09:17That, Joel, is because she did.

01:09:19That, Joel, is because she did.

01:09:21Ooh, Joel Robinson killed us.

01:09:24Joel Robinson killed us.

01:09:26Hey, I did not.

01:09:27You did too.

01:09:28I did not.

01:09:29Then why are we dead?

01:09:30Well, you're not dead,

01:09:31and you're certainly not ghosts,

01:09:32and even if you were ghosts,

01:09:33I wouldn't be afraid of you,

01:09:35because I've seen you this way

01:09:36about a million times before.

01:09:38But this time it's different, Joel.

01:09:40This time we really died,

01:09:42and now must spend eternity

01:09:43tormenting the very man

01:09:45who gave us life.

01:09:46Tormenting!

01:09:50To escape this heinous living hell,

01:09:52you have only one option.

01:09:53You must offer Gypsy to us

01:09:55in a pagan earth ceremony,

01:09:57which we hold every Tuesday at 8.

01:09:59It's the only thing

01:10:00that makes any sense anymore.

01:10:01Yeah, well, listen,

01:10:02you guys aren't funny anymore,

01:10:03and if you deserve each other,

01:10:05I'm gonna take your bodies

01:10:06and get going, okay?

01:10:07Hey, hey, Joel, we're sorry.

01:10:08We're just having a little fun.

01:10:09Joel!

01:10:10Hey, don't turn the lights off!

01:10:11Uh, uh, it's the only thing

01:10:13that makes sense anymore.

01:10:15It really made him mad, you know.

01:10:16Oh, like he was going along

01:10:17with the sacrifice idea

01:10:18until then.

01:10:19Face it, Crow,

01:10:20we used poor judgment,

01:10:21scared Gypsy, irked Joel,

01:10:23and now we're stuck here

01:10:24in the dark with no bodies.

01:10:26I'm not scared, though.

01:10:27No, me neither.

01:10:28Oh, I mean not one little bit.

01:10:30Oh, I-I know.

01:10:32Servo?

01:10:34Servo?

01:10:35Servo!

01:10:36I'm right here.

01:10:37Aah!

01:10:39Let me out!

01:10:46I bring your plague

01:10:47all over the island,

01:10:48and I think...

01:10:49Thanks for our heads back, Joel.

01:10:50Yeah, I'm sorry.

01:10:51It's okay.

01:10:54The word you're reaching for

01:10:55is blackmail.

01:10:56That's not it at all, Dad.

01:10:57We should be sort of pals.

01:10:59I've done you a favor,

01:11:00now you can do me one.

01:11:01In other words,

01:11:02if I don't pay you blackmail,

01:11:03you go to my fiancé

01:11:04and expose my life of sin.

01:11:06Is that it?

01:11:07Geo's just gonna have you

01:11:08buy me lunch.

01:11:09I approve, Dad,

01:11:10but you're getting the idea.

01:11:11But it won't do you any good.

01:11:12I'm not gonna pay you

01:11:13one lousy cent

01:11:14In the first place,

01:11:15I don't know a girl named Vi.

01:11:16And even if I did,

01:11:17it wouldn't do you any good.

01:11:18Because unfortunately,

01:11:19I'm not sharing my cottage

01:11:20with anyone.

01:11:21If it'll make you feel better,

01:11:22you can look for yourself.

01:11:23That's not necessary, Dad.

01:11:24Not at all.

01:11:25You see, I already have.

01:11:26Well, then you know

01:11:27she's not here.

01:11:28Well, yes and no.

01:11:30You see, when you were

01:11:31so eager to come up

01:11:32with that five spot,

01:11:33I figured you were, well,

01:11:34anxious to keep everything

01:11:35so quiet-like.

01:11:36Now when I find out

01:11:37you're getting

01:11:38five spots,

01:11:39well, the story's

01:11:40even getting better to read.

01:11:41Now, here comes the part

01:11:42I like the best.

01:11:43Okay.

01:11:44I do a little snooping

01:11:45when you're not around.

01:11:46What do you think?

01:11:47I just thought of

01:11:48a new jazz tune.

01:11:49You still with me, Dad?

01:11:50Go on.

01:11:51You see,

01:11:52that's the punchline.

01:11:53There's your punch.

01:11:54That's the gimmick.

01:11:55This doll Vi isn't

01:11:56hiding in your cottage,

01:11:57and she isn't anyplace

01:11:58else on the island,

01:11:59and she never left the island.

01:12:00Hmm.

01:12:01Now,

01:12:02what are you supposed

01:12:03to do about it?

01:12:04You tell me.

01:12:05I asked you first.

01:12:06I'm a comedian.

01:12:07Uh-uh.

01:12:08You're the one

01:12:09that has the rest

01:12:10of the answers.

01:12:11Hmm.

01:12:12You know something?

01:12:13Everything you've just said

01:12:14is all bluff.

01:12:15You don't know

01:12:16a damn thing.

01:12:17Hmm.

01:12:18I'm not friendly at all.

01:12:19In fact,

01:12:20I thought you'd pick

01:12:21a wrong alphabet on me,

01:12:22so I sort of

01:12:23borrowed something.

01:12:24Well,

01:12:25that's the key

01:12:26to my heart.

01:12:27I'm a friend of yours.

01:12:31Oh, champsies,

01:12:32tramps and peas.

01:12:36Let's get out of here.

01:12:38I can see you're

01:12:40I can see that you

01:12:41finally picked me.

01:12:42Well, wait a minute.

01:12:43Isn't that Tom Stewart?

01:12:44Hey, Tom Stewart!

01:12:46I forgot why

01:12:47I was coming this way.

01:12:48Oh.

01:12:49What's my boyfriend's name?

01:12:52Yeah,

01:12:53Gordon's a glooster.

01:12:54We make fish sticks

01:12:55the old-fashioned way.

01:12:56Okay.

01:12:57We freeze them.

01:13:00What did we come up here for?

01:13:01So I can kill you,

01:13:02Mr. Bond.

01:13:03So that you and I

01:13:04can have a little talk

01:13:05in peace and quiet.

01:13:06I suggest you

01:13:07order the cod.

01:13:08Just what do you want?

01:13:12Five thousand.

01:13:13Zen dollars.

01:13:16Five thousand?

01:13:17Zen dollars.

01:13:18Don't tell me you know that.

01:13:19Your future father-in-law

01:13:20is loaded.

01:13:22Tom.

01:13:23Tom.

01:13:25Offer him 3,500.

01:13:27Who are you talking to?

01:13:28Sam.

01:13:30You didn't hear anything?

01:13:32I didn't hear anything.

01:13:33I'm waiting to hear

01:13:34something from you.

01:13:35Okay, I'll sing

01:13:36Knights in White Satin.

01:13:37You're closing in on me, Tom.

01:13:38Say.

01:13:39You better take care

01:13:40of him right now.

01:13:43No.

01:13:45That's your final answer?

01:13:47How much did you wager?

01:13:48All of it.

01:13:49Oh, I'm sorry.

01:13:50Give me a minute.

01:13:52He's so easy, Tom.

01:13:54Just as easy as I was.

01:13:56I do believe in spooks.

01:13:57I do believe in spooks.

01:13:58I do, I do, I do.

01:13:59I do believe in spooks.

01:14:00What could blow is all it takes.

01:14:02So do I.

01:14:03You got rid of me,

01:14:04but you'll never get rid of him

01:14:05unless you do this.

01:14:07He'll bleed you

01:14:08of every penny, Tom.

01:14:10And all the time you'll have left.

01:14:11She's pretty long-winded

01:14:12for a ghost.

01:14:13But then he'll find out.

01:14:15What if Meg finds out?

01:14:17You can't let him do it, Tom.

01:14:18You'll lose everything.

01:14:19The condo, the car,

01:14:20and the vacation

01:14:21to Puerto Vallarta.

01:14:23Look, you've had enough time.

01:14:24Put your pencils down, please.

01:14:26Do I get the money,

01:14:27or don't I?

01:14:29Tom, does he get paid?

01:14:32To take Visa?

01:14:34All right.

01:14:36You know what's best.

01:14:39See what your chick

01:14:40has to say about this.

01:14:41No more yogurt.

01:14:46Wait.

01:14:48Change your mind?

01:14:52No.

01:14:53Yes.

01:14:54No.

01:14:55Yes.

01:14:56No.

01:14:57No.

01:14:58Yes.

01:15:00The original dead milkman.

01:15:01The original dead milkman.

01:15:09He's dead, Jim.

01:15:11Either this man is dead

01:15:12or my watch has stopped.

01:15:20Well, at least he's tidy.

01:15:22Tonight's episode.

01:15:23I've seen the best minds

01:15:24of my generation murdered.

01:15:31Mm-hmm.

01:15:40I saw Tommy killing beat mix.

01:15:45See that the Rockford problem

01:15:46is taken care of permanently.

01:15:48Jim Henson's Witness Babies.

01:15:52Racket Squad.

01:15:56Oh, that's where she left her shoes.

01:15:58Huh.

01:15:59She's really kind of flat.

01:16:00Oh.

01:16:01Oh, it's...

01:16:04Tom taught me the meaning

01:16:05of loss last night.

01:16:06Mm-hmm.

01:16:08Sandy, come here.

01:16:11Sandy?

01:16:12Did you hear your mother call you?

01:16:14What is it?

01:16:15Stop whatever you're doing

01:16:16and come here at once.

01:16:18I'm harboring a horrible secret

01:16:19which I'm sublimating

01:16:20into my unconscious.

01:16:22Tom?

01:16:24Have you found

01:16:25my Kill Waldo books?

01:16:27Oh, Sandy,

01:16:28we have to be at the church

01:16:29in 20 minutes

01:16:30and you're not even dressed yet.

01:16:32Never mind that now.

01:16:33Meg snagged her hand.

01:16:34Come and hold it

01:16:35while I pack it up.

01:16:37You'll make a lovely wife, Meg.

01:16:39All frees.

01:16:40Thanks.

01:16:42Meg?

01:16:44Do you really love him

01:16:45a whole lot?

01:16:47I do.

01:16:49I love him.

01:16:51Do you really love him

01:16:52a whole lot?

01:16:54Whatever makes you

01:16:55ask a thing like that?

01:16:57He's a killer!

01:16:58He's a killer!

01:16:59You said you weren't sure.

01:17:01Oh, I'm sure now.

01:17:03Oh, you'll remember

01:17:04to take the bouquet

01:17:05when I hand it to you,

01:17:06won't you?

01:17:07I'll remember.

01:17:08If we're not all dead...

01:17:10Suppose he's done

01:17:11something awful bad.

01:17:15The way I feel now,

01:17:16I'd marry him no matter what.

01:17:18Can you say denial?

01:17:19Don't forget,

01:17:20you stand close behind me,

01:17:21but not too close.

01:17:23There.

01:17:24That's done.

01:17:25And you, young lady,

01:17:26get into your gown this instant.

01:17:27I'm going to wear my black dress.

01:17:29People don't hear the reaper

01:17:32near the ring of the...

01:17:35Salvat loaned us her ring

01:17:36in place of the one you lost?

01:17:37Well, that's okay.

01:17:38I've got the minister's fee

01:17:39here in my pocket

01:17:40and everything's under control.

01:17:41So snap out of it.

01:17:42Okay, okay,

01:17:43I'll be all right.

01:17:44And get that funereal look

01:17:45off your face.

01:17:46This is a wedding match.

01:17:47Come on, let's swing.

01:17:49Cheer him up, honey.

01:17:51Kind of like having

01:17:52Sylvia Plath cheer you up.

01:17:54You can buy my silence, Tom.

01:17:56Well, that's...

01:17:59That's a real pretty dress, Sandy.

01:18:01You're really going to marry

01:18:02my sister, aren't you?

01:18:05Yep.

01:18:06I don't feel like that.

01:18:08I can't help it.

01:18:11Suppose you love somebody.

01:18:14Somebody who did something

01:18:16bad.

01:18:18And only you knew.

01:18:21Would you keep it secret?

01:18:23Why, yes, I would.

01:18:24I would tuck it deep

01:18:25into my subconscious.

01:18:26Good friends generally

01:18:27try to stand by one another.

01:18:30But what if it were

01:18:31something real, real bad?

01:18:34Then keep it real,

01:18:35real secret.

01:18:37Murder?

01:18:47Inna Godda Davida, baby.

01:18:51Comin' through.

01:18:52Tugboat comin' through.

01:18:54And once again,

01:18:55there is no smoking

01:18:56in your Metrodome.

01:19:00Dearly beloved.

01:19:01And the rest of you.

01:19:02We are gathered together here.

01:19:03And tucked there.

01:19:04In the sight of God.

01:19:06And in the peace of this company.

01:19:08To join together this man.

01:19:10And this victim.

01:19:11And this woman.

01:19:12They're getting married

01:19:13in a nursing home chapel.

01:19:15Which is an honorable estate.

01:19:17Instituted of God.

01:19:19Signifying unto us

01:19:20the mystical union.

01:19:22That has betwixt Christ

01:19:23and his church.

01:19:26Which holy estate Christ

01:19:27adorned and beautified

01:19:28with his presence.

01:19:29Quit padding your part, Padre.

01:19:30The first miracle

01:19:31that he wrought

01:19:32in Cana of Galilee.

01:19:33Now, suffering...

01:19:34And has commended to St. Paul

01:19:36to be honorable

01:19:37among all men.

01:19:39And therefore

01:19:40is not by any

01:19:41to be entered into

01:19:42unadvisedly

01:19:43or lightly.

01:19:44I did it!

01:19:45Oh, I do.

01:19:46I do.

01:19:47Reverently.

01:19:48Discreetly.

01:19:49Advisedly.

01:19:50Sovereignly.

01:19:52And in the fear of God.

01:19:53Hi, murderer.

01:19:55Into this holy estate

01:19:57these two persons present

01:19:58come now to be joined.

01:20:00If any man can show

01:20:01just cause...

01:20:02Yeah, twister dress.

01:20:03Right hand, right hand.

01:20:04Why, if he does not

01:20:05also be joined together

01:20:06let him now speak.

01:20:07Or else

01:20:08hereafter

01:20:09forever.

01:20:10Live thou where I sing

01:20:11like a canary.

01:20:18Elaine!

01:20:21Are you on the bride's side

01:20:22or the groom's side?

01:20:25Well, I'll be damned.

01:20:26Here comes your ghost again.

01:20:32B.O.

01:20:34B.O.

01:20:40Phew!

01:20:41I'd hate to have to sit

01:20:42next to that ghost.

01:20:53Phew!

01:20:54You paid fifty for that?

01:21:00The mass has ended

01:21:01let us go in peace.

01:21:02Let's get out of here!

01:21:08Reception to follow

01:21:09R.S.V.R.I.P.

01:21:13Oh, he's got to get

01:21:14the matchbooks

01:21:15and the napkins now.

01:21:23There we go.

01:21:26I'm getting married

01:21:27in the morning.

01:21:33Thank you, Vi.

01:21:34Just because you couldn't

01:21:35find anything to wear

01:21:36to the wedding didn't mean

01:21:37you had to ruin it

01:21:39for me.

01:21:41Open the door

01:21:42for your mystery date.

01:21:46I don't...

01:21:47Vi!

01:21:49I've come to tell you

01:21:50you've won.

01:21:51And here's what you've won!

01:21:52Tell him, Johnny!

01:21:53You should be glad

01:21:54to hear that.

01:21:56I'm going away, Vi

01:21:57and I'm not coming back.

01:21:58I got a wife and kids

01:21:59in Baltimore, Jack.

01:22:02Vi?

01:22:03Mom and Dad are going to

01:22:04send you to military school.

01:22:06I'm running out on Meg.

01:22:08I'm not coming back.

01:22:19Sandy's back

01:22:20and she's pissed.

01:22:23Sandy?

01:22:25What are you doing here?

01:22:26It's payback time!

01:22:29Why did you have to kill him?

01:22:32Thomas Dewey.

01:22:33Thomas Dewey.

01:22:38I knew something would happen.

01:22:39I was against the marriage

01:22:40from the beginning.

01:22:41I'm leaving for another

01:22:42ten years.

01:22:43Let me help you

01:22:44with your gown, dear.

01:22:46Don't bother.

01:22:47Mother Sandy will help you.

01:22:48Sandy?

01:22:49Help your sister!

01:22:50She's out interrogating Tom.

01:22:52Where is Sandy?

01:22:53I don't know.

01:22:54I thought she came

01:22:55home ahead of us.

01:22:57Well, if she did,

01:22:58she's not here now.

01:22:59She hadn't seen it, Sandy.

01:23:03Now I'm afraid

01:23:04she'll tell everybody

01:23:05and I don't know what to do.

01:23:07I'm wearing a wire, Tom.

01:23:09How can I be sure of that?

01:23:11Good friends protect each other.

01:23:14Yes.

01:23:17Sometimes

01:23:18they can't help themselves.

01:23:19Things leak out.

01:23:22Police hear about it.

01:23:23Do you know what would happen

01:23:24if the police heard about this?

01:23:25You're going to fry Stuart.

01:23:26I'm not going to be there

01:23:27when they flip the switch.

01:23:28Get out of here.

01:23:30Sandy?

01:23:32You're going to have to

01:23:33take the fall, Sandy.

01:23:35Sandy, why did you

01:23:36have to see it?

01:23:37Oh, blame me.

01:23:39No.

01:23:41Nobody could help

01:23:42any of it except me.

01:23:45I could have saved Vi.

01:23:46I could have put my

01:23:47hand out to her.

01:23:48But the sun was in my eyes.

01:23:49Then it killed her.

01:23:54Sandy, how would you

01:23:55like to bungee jump

01:23:56without the bungee?

01:23:57Without the bungee.

01:24:01Sandy, you

01:24:03know I love you very much,

01:24:04don't you?

01:24:05Look, Tom, I got a friend

01:24:06at the DA's office.

01:24:07If I don't show up,

01:24:08they open my lunchbox.

01:24:12Thank you, Reverend.

01:24:14She isn't there.

01:24:15I can't imagine

01:24:16where she could have gone.

01:24:17I checked every bar in town.

01:24:18Wait, Tom.

01:24:20The least he could do

01:24:21is be here when Meg needs him.

01:24:23Can't you leave him alone?

01:24:24Just because he ruined our lives.

01:24:28There's a light

01:24:29in the lighthouse.

01:24:30Sandy could be there.

01:24:31She talks about the place

01:24:32all the time.

01:24:34Hey, how many donations

01:24:35does that dress?

01:24:36101.

01:24:38We'd better make sure.

01:24:41After I knock back

01:24:42a Rob Roy or three.

01:24:47Why are we going up there?

01:24:49Let's go up

01:24:50and look at the sea.

01:24:52You're not afraid of me,

01:24:53are you?

01:24:54I never used to be.

01:24:57Good morning.

01:24:59Alfred Hitchcock's

01:25:00Vertigo Babies.

01:25:01This is one dark

01:25:02mama-jama of a movie, guys.

01:25:06He'd better hurry up.

01:25:07He's got to return the tux.

01:25:10When the moon shines,

01:25:11you can see the whole

01:25:12island from up here.

01:25:14Look, if I disappear,

01:25:15there's a crayon drawing

01:25:16that'll go to my lawyer.

01:25:22Diarrhea is like a storm

01:25:23raging inside you.

01:25:24You didn't tell anyone

01:25:25we were coming up here,

01:25:26did you?

01:25:27Yes, I did.

01:25:28I papered the city

01:25:29with flyers.

01:25:30Good.

01:25:32Good.

01:25:33Let's go back.

01:25:35You afraid?

01:25:36Yeah.

01:25:38Sandy.

01:25:40Sandy, why did you

01:25:41have to see it?

01:25:42Because the critics

01:25:43gave it a good review.

01:25:46Why, this isn't

01:25:47a good time.

01:25:55Sandy has grown up

01:25:56a lot this week.

01:25:57Yeah.

01:25:59Thanks for coming

01:26:00into our lives, Tom.

01:26:02So does this make

01:26:03Meg a widow?

01:26:04Yep.

01:26:05Widowmaker.

01:26:06It's technical.

01:26:09Suddenly, people live here.

01:26:11Sessions presents

01:26:12Faces of Death.

01:26:13Oh, stop it.

01:26:18It's a keeper.

01:26:19Whoa.

01:26:21It's a keeper.

01:26:22It's a keeper.

01:26:23Whoa.

01:26:26Tom, it's a woman.

01:26:27How do you tell?

01:26:28Oh.

01:26:31Where did he find her?

01:26:32In the rocks.

01:26:33She's been down there

01:26:34a week, I'd say.

01:26:35Rob, make him stop.

01:26:38Sammy Conn is the doctor.

01:26:41Oh, he's cheating

01:26:42on me, even in death.

01:26:44If you could see

01:26:45what I hear.

01:26:47I have been acquainted

01:26:48with the night.

01:26:54I now pronounce you

01:26:55man and death.

01:27:00Charles Moffat's

01:27:01Man and Death.

01:27:03Oh.

01:27:05Oh.

01:27:06Oh.

01:27:07Oh.

01:27:08Oh.

01:27:09Charles Moffat's.

01:27:12Or is it?

01:27:13Whoa.

01:27:30It's only a movie.

01:27:32It's only a movie.

01:27:34It's only a movie.

01:27:36It's only a movie.

01:27:38Oh.

01:27:39Oh.

01:27:40Oh.

01:27:41Oh.

01:27:42Oh.

01:27:43It's only a crappy movie

01:27:45by Burt I. Gordon

01:27:46that he made to massage

01:27:47the marketplace.

01:27:49Simply nurturing

01:27:50one's basest instinct

01:27:51and trying way too hard

01:27:53to be Villenoir.

01:27:55Jeez, Joel,

01:27:56I'm writing such

01:27:57a major bummer,

01:27:58I feel like I just

01:27:59spent a couple of hours

01:28:00in Liquor Lyle

01:28:01talking to Neil Young.

01:28:05Hey, wait.

01:28:06I know what let's do.

01:28:07Wait a minute, guys.

01:28:08We could think

01:28:09happy thoughts

01:28:10and about good things.

01:28:11And those happy thoughts

01:28:12and good things

01:28:13will shoo away

01:28:14all those dark,

01:28:15smelly images

01:28:16that are conurping

01:28:17from moisture.

01:28:18Oh, like the way

01:28:19sunshine chases away clouds.

01:28:21Yeah.

01:28:22Like the way Lysol spray

01:28:23erases bathroom odors

01:28:24without heavy perfume.

01:28:25Yeah.

01:28:26And kills household germs

01:28:27in empty garbage cans.

01:28:28Yeah.

01:28:29Empty hampers,

01:28:30toilet areas,

01:28:31under sinks,

01:28:32pet areas,

01:28:33diaper pails,

01:28:34sick rooms.

01:28:35Yeah.

01:28:36Yeah.

01:28:37Yeah.

01:28:38Exactly.

01:28:39Come on, you guys.

01:28:40Oh, there's a

01:28:41marshmallow rainbow

01:28:42waiting for you

01:28:44with kitties

01:28:45and doggies too.

01:28:47And a Super Soaker 202.

01:28:50And I just got

01:28:51$10 from Grandma.

01:28:53And I don't have

01:28:54to share it with no one.

01:28:56And we all get to go

01:28:58to the Valley High Drive

01:28:59in our pajamas

01:29:00and watch the

01:29:01Star Wars triple feature

01:29:03Dusk to Dawn.

01:29:06And my dad just became

01:29:08really good friends

01:29:09with Mike Connors

01:29:10of Manic's Fit.

01:29:11And he's got me

01:29:12a triple-decker treehouse

01:29:14and I'll swing down

01:29:15on my ride

01:29:16to my own zoo.

01:29:18I'm having

01:29:19Lenny Land dinners

01:29:20for breakfast

01:29:21and King Vitaman

01:29:22for dinner.

01:29:24And the Good Humor truck

01:29:25rolled over in front

01:29:26of my house too.

01:29:29And I left him

01:29:30in the world

01:29:31of Super Mario Brothers

01:29:32and we captured Rommel

01:29:33and gave him

01:29:34to the president

01:29:35and he gave me

01:29:36my own half-hour sitcom

01:29:38following.

01:29:39Cheers!

01:29:40And there's no

01:29:41such thing as girls.

01:29:45Oh wait, I think you

01:29:46want to think about that.

01:29:48What do you think, sir?

01:29:49And Mr. Dr. Clayton Forrester

01:29:53will switch trains

01:29:54at the train yard

01:29:56and there will be

01:29:57a horrible accident

01:29:59for which Dr. Forrester

01:30:01will be blamed.

01:30:03Posthumously, of course.

01:30:06And then the robots

01:30:07and I will become

01:30:08really good friends

01:30:10and we'll be roommates

01:30:11with triple bunk beds

01:30:13and we will stay up

01:30:14all night talking about

01:30:16really cool stuff

01:30:17and they'll think

01:30:18I'm really neat

01:30:20and then I'll invite them

01:30:21over to my house

01:30:23and we'll camp out

01:30:25and poopy.

01:30:30horn honks

01:31:01horn honks

01:31:04horn honks

01:31:08honking

01:31:33Tom Stewart killed me!

01:31:36You would've killed me!

01:31:40This has been a presentation from Comedy Central.

MST3K 414 - Tormented

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