00:00 (audience laughing)
00:02 Oh my gosh, this is so exciting.
00:05 Also, my wife Stephanie is directing tonight.
00:11 (audience cheering)
00:14 Tonight's my night though, okay?
00:20 Actually, she is by far, out of the two of us,
00:25 the most popular in our family and possibly elsewhere.
00:30 But yes, she's wonderful.
00:33 But we work together oftentimes
00:36 and we'll leave and come home at the same time.
00:41 And one day, I came home by myself
00:46 and when I walked in, the alarm said, "Side door open."
00:52 And our son started yelling, "Mommy's home, Mommy's home."
00:57 That's what they call Stephanie.
01:00 And then I came around the corner
01:04 and our son, Finn, looked back at me
01:07 and then looked at his brother and said, "It's just her."
01:13 (audience laughing)
01:20 As if to say, "Don't even bother even slightly
01:24 "turning your head.
01:27 "The letdown is so monumental.
01:32 "Learn from my mistake."
01:35 (audience laughing)
01:38 Before Max and Finn came along,
01:43 people told us all of the typical things
01:45 of make sure you travel,
01:47 you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
01:49 Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
01:54 that happens on a near daily basis.
01:57 Like it's just her.
02:00 Another example, at bedtime,
02:03 I was walking upstairs with our son, Max,
02:07 and he asked if I would read him a story.
02:09 And I thought, "Well, this'll be great.
02:11 "We can just have a little special moment together.
02:14 "I'll snuggle in real close to him and read him a book."
02:18 He picks out a story and I'm reading the book.
02:23 He's just staring at me.
02:26 I get to page like four or five
02:33 and then he says, "Can you leave?"
02:36 (audience laughing)
02:39 Absolutely.
02:42 My apologies.
02:48 But you could tell he was just like,
02:49 "Yeah, I get it.
02:50 "The little animal misses its mommy or whatever,
02:54 "but I'm exhausted, so beat it."
02:59 Stephanie and I were completely dead asleep
03:08 in the middle of the night.
03:09 One time when Finn came in
03:11 and just wedged his little body right between us,
03:15 just got right in there.
03:18 And then in the darkness, this little voice,
03:21 "I have two mommies?"
03:25 (audience laughing)
03:28 I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
03:38 And he said, "I don't want two mommies."
03:41 (audience laughing)
03:43 And I'm sitting there thinking,
03:44 "Oh my gosh, this train has left the station."
03:48 And also because it was dark,
03:51 I couldn't make eye contact with Stephanie to be like,
03:55 "Are we gonna deal with this?"
03:57 But then a beat later, he said, "I want three mommies."
04:03 (audience laughing)
04:06 That was close.
04:12 But also I never imagined it would be our young son
04:17 that would open up our marriage.
04:20 (audience laughing)
04:23 (upbeat music)
04:25 (upbeat music)
04:28 (upbeat music)
04:31 (upbeat music)
04:33 (upbeat music)
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