00:00 I think the main challenge is for people to do something with the history, because the
00:07 history sets a certain stage, doesn't it? Where there's a coming home and an expectation
00:13 that I know how to do that because I know this house, I know this room, I know these
00:18 rules. So there is a real sense that this is all going to be very familiar. And the
00:24 parents can think the same too, that the difference is you're saving for something or the difference
00:31 is you can't help it, but there isn't any other difference considered. So everyone kind
00:37 of wins it and thinks, well, you've grown up a bit, you've lived away, surely you've
00:44 learnt that doing the dishes every day is a good thing, or surely you've learnt how
00:49 to live with others and be more respectful because you've had this life experience now.
00:54 But there's something about family dynamics and legacy and also the nostalgia and the
00:59 lovely thing about being back with family, where everybody slots a bit back into the
01:04 roles they had before. And I don't think it's because of any sort of maliciousness or selfishness
01:10 necessarily. It's just because keeping a boundary of one life stage and another is really hard
01:15 to do. Is it a good idea then for everybody to lay
01:19 down their ground rules and say, okay, you're going to pay this for rent, you're going to
01:23 pay this for power costs, contribute to things. And also part of your plan for living here
01:31 will be that you do the dishwasher or mow the lawn, that it's actually written down
01:34 as a contract. Look, it's definitely better to discuss it
01:38 ahead of time before the moving in has even happened, definitely. But I think it's very
01:43 important rather than parents laying down the rules, which immediately slots into the
01:48 same parenting dynamic, is actually to say, how do we do this? How are we different now?
01:55 What have we learnt? What do we want to bring to this situation that's different? And negotiating
02:00 it as a group of adults. I think the parents often need to update the kids about what's
02:05 happened for them. So it may be, well, we're now working in this different way, or we've
02:10 got early starts, or we're trying to sleep in more, or we're focused on the garden or
02:14 whatever it is. To give the kids an update that something has happened, and I think for
02:19 kids to talk about how actually they have learnt to live differently. And then remember
02:25 that you're dealing with preferences. It's not for the parents to lay down the rules,
02:29 it's for everybody to say, how do we live together?
02:32 Well, we're just watching the new version of Mother and Son, of course. And you know,
02:37 there's a lot of tension, but then there's a lot of comedy as well. What is the thing
02:42 that to keep in mind most when tensions do arise?
02:48 It's always good to speak it out early before resentment takes hold. Often what parents
02:53 will do, will talk to other parents, and they'll say, oh, these kids, isn't that terrible?
02:58 And they'll get support. And you know, these adult kids are just selfish, you know. But
03:02 they don't go back to their kids and say, look, I've got an issue with this. And the
03:06 same with the kids. It's like, oh, parents, you know. And people don't think, well, this
03:10 is a problem that can be solved. This is something we could discuss.
03:14 I think to come at it as an issue of preferences, that you're now dealing with grown-up children
03:20 who have their own style. Maybe they are going to be messy the rest of their lives. It's
03:24 not a moment for a parent to correct. But there is something to have as decent boundaries
03:31 about being good people and being fair and reasonable with each other that can be discussed.
03:36 Of course, it could be catastrophic. I mean, it could completely dismantle previously good
03:43 relationships between husband and wife, the mum and dad, who don't have their free space
03:49 anymore. That's totally right. It can unravel, particularly
03:53 if in fact everyone was a bit relieved when they left home, because things weren't going
03:58 well. But they thought, well, you're going to move out, so we won't discuss it. We won't
04:02 go into it. We'll just see you out the door. And so there might be old habits that were
04:07 not good habits where there was underlying conflict, and it's all back on. All the more
04:12 reason to have some conversations before moving in, including perhaps a formal mediation with
04:18 someone like myself or someone from Relationships Australia, because it's always good to do
04:24 preemptive work rather than after the fact. But it does seem that multigenerational living
04:30 or multigenerational families seem to live in a, I suppose, harmonious way amongst the
04:36 Asian communities, many of the ethnic communities as well. That's a common thing. Do you think
04:42 it's a cultural issue? It definitely does play into cultural issues.
04:46 I think for communities where multigenerational living is common, there is a way of doing
04:51 it and there are implicit rules. They may not be visible to anybody else, but often
04:56 there is a hierarchy and a dutifulness and a way of deferring to older generations that
05:03 in some Western cultures is not so familiar or comfortable. I think we have a much stronger
05:09 sense of individualism, a much greater sense of autonomy and rights, and therefore everybody
05:16 wants to have their moment in the sun. And in a household where you've got four or five
05:21 people trying to live together, it's very difficult. And parents will try it by pulling
05:26 rank and the older the children are, that's just not going to work. It's not the style
05:31 that's going to work. And even saying, well, it's my house, what it does is it can actually
05:35 just introduce shame and something far worse, you know, by trying to get your needs met
05:41 that way. I think it's much better to say, look, we're all grown-ups here. How do we
05:45 do this?
05:45 [BLANK_AUDIO]
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