"Telling your kids Santa is real is harmful lying - we refuse to do it" - video Dailymotion

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A couple says they refuse to lie to their daughter by telling her Santa and the Tooth Fairy are real but say it doesn’t take away the “magic”.  Ashley, 26, and her husband Keith Nkosana, 31, decided to always tell the truth to their daughter, four.  The parents refuse to lie about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter bunny because they don’t want to be “deceptive”.  Ashley says Christmas is still “special” for her daughter despite not believing in Santa.  The part-time administrator from Repton, Derbyshire, said: “We don’t lie to our daughter.  “My daughter will ask ‘mum is Santa real?’ and I’ll say ‘he’s not real but we can pretend’.  “People think it’s not going to be magical if she knows.  “But you can be creative.  “We can pretend he’s real.  “That’s still magical – she still enjoys Christmas.”  Ashley and Keith, a project manager, had always struggled with the concept of lying or deceiving their daughter – even when she was just a baby.  Ashley said: “I really struggled to leave her when she was younger.  “People said ‘just run away’ but I didn’t feel ok with that.  “She’d cry and we’d say we’re going and say goodbye instead of sneaking away.”  When their daughter turned two, the couple decided to home educate and picked their family values – truth, love and fun.   Ashely said: “We decided to be truthful.  “Why do we have to lie?  “Our parenting style is on us than the child.  “We would model the behaviour we want her to have.”  Their daughter knows Santa is not real but can chose to pretend he is if she wants to.  Ashley said: “We tell her Santa is not real.  “People think it takes away the innocence of childhood.  “We don’t want to be deceptive.  “You can easily white lie as an adult.”  Ashley’s daughter recently lost her tooth and the parents decided to not tell the tale of the tooth fairy.  She said: “People said - ‘Are you going to do the tooth fairy?’  “We will still put money under her pillow and she woke up to confetti.  “We made it like a milestone without having to lie.  “There are so many ways you can make something special.”  Ashley said telling their daughter the truth about Santa does “ruffle feathers” and their daughter will tell our children Santa isn’t real.  She said: “Parents say – make sure you’re child doesn’t ruin it.  “But I don’t want to raise a child to be fearful.  “Other parents think it’s not a big deal to lie. They are in delulu land.  “Our family think I’m extra.”  The couple also hold family meetings on a Sunday and will discuss the week – letting their daughter express anything she’d like and planning meals for the following week.  The family won’t shy away from difficult conversations and have even discussed the ongoing war in Israel with her.  Ashley said: “If we’re going away we’ll always tell the truth.  “We tell her ‘mums really struggling’ if I am.  “I won’t hide from an uncomfortable conversation with her.  “We discussed the war – people are naive if they don’t think kids won’t hear it on the radio or in your conversations.”  Ashley and Keith hope being “honest parents” will help shape their daughter’s values.  She said: “I hope by being honest and having integrity we’ll raise her as a good citizen.”

Transcript

00:00 If you believe in it, then by all means tell your children that it's real. My sentiments were mostly

00:05 to people that don't believe in it but then choose to tell their children that it's real. That's lying.

00:11 I've actually been studying quite a lot about how adults relate to children and I think what you're

00:16 saying here is that children don't have the capacity to understand such big issues, which

00:21 is true in the sense that they probably don't understand the gravity of what's happening or

00:25 the nuance to situations. However, just because you haven't told a child doesn't mean they're

00:30 not feeling and absorbing and understanding what's happening. Let's say there is domestic abuse or

00:36 parents are having a divorce. The way that you are with your children, they feel that. So I, again,

00:41 would find a way to be able to articulate that to my child in a way that they can understand.

00:47 I think society as a whole anyway treats children as like accessories opposed to be integrated within

00:55 like the family unit or wider communities, hence why we have these thoughts and ideologies about

01:02 how children perceive things when they're literally a part of their lives. If they're going, if the

01:06 family's going through something, they are too. So yeah, again, I would just try and find a way to

01:11 explain that to them. A great example of this is the video that I did about explaining what's

01:17 happening between Israel and Palestine to my daughter in a way that she understands.

01:21 Involving them in conversation is so key. Gosh, I'm basically having a bad makeup day today,

01:27 but in my previous video, I spoke about like not wanting to lie to our daughter.

01:31 But with Santa Claus, I find it even weirder. Like, why are we telling our children that a

01:36 stranger can come into our house while we're sleeping? Like, I think sometimes we don't

01:42 actually think as parents about the things that we're saying. And I'm not saying that people

01:47 should follow like what we do, but I am encouraging parents to kind of like rethink why they do things.

01:53 Do you do things because that's what everybody does? Or do you do things because, I don't know,

01:59 like that's what you value? Like, why do you actually do things and continue traditions

02:05 and not question them? But yeah, with Santa, I find that very, very weird, even like sitting

02:11 on Santa's lap because it's always like a man, like with little kids. I don't know. I don't know.

02:18 I just find it really, really weird. So yeah, I guess the short answer for this is the fact that

02:22 we choose not to lie to our daughter. I feel like you can still make something beautiful and

02:28 celebrate a milestone without the need to lie. And it's really important. Like one of our family

02:33 values, as we've shared, is truth. And it's not truthful to say that Santa Claus is coming down

02:38 the chimney or that the truth fairy is going to put money under your pillow. Like those things

02:45 are not truthful. So one of the things that we really wanted was to make sure that we're honest

02:49 as parents. So yeah, we just don't lie to her, simple as. And I think there's so much pressure

02:55 to be like, oh my God, you're not making it magical. You're not making it special. There

02:59 are so many other ways you can make something special without the need to lie. And I think

03:02 that kind of feeds into like being an intentional parent, that you are literally modelling behaviour.

03:08 And I know some people are going to be like, it's not that deep. If it's not that deep,

03:11 then it's not that deep for you.

"Telling your kids Santa is real is harmful lying - we refuse to do it"

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