MoistCr1TiKaL Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions

WIRED

Charles White Jr., better known to the internet masses as MoistCri1ikal, joins WIRED to answer his most searched questions from Google.

Transcript

00:00 I'm Moist Critical and this is the Wired Autocomplete interview.

00:03 [MUSIC]

00:05 PenguinZZero, Moist Critical, Charlie, Big Moist, Huge Charles.

00:09 [MUSIC]

00:13 What is Moist Critical?

00:15 A 5'6" hulking testosterone titan who makes a bunch of wacky,

00:20 silly garbage on the internet.

00:22 What does Moist Critical do for a living?

00:25 I just post really ridiculous things on the internet and got lucky enough that it enables me to survive.

00:32 What did Moist Critical do before YouTube?

00:35 Nothing. I was 10 before YouTube.

00:38 I didn't have a career or a job. I was still just snorting glue and drinking milk.

00:42 I was just a baby boy.

00:44 I used to mow lawns for money, which probably isn't allowed with the child labor laws in America.

00:50 What is Moist Critical email?

00:52 Just criticalcontact@gmail.

00:54 You're going to have a hard time reaching me there.

00:56 I did meet one of my best friends through email.

00:59 His name's Kaya.

01:00 He reached out a long time ago with a super sad message that really tickled my heartstrings.

01:05 I replied back. We became good friends through it.

01:07 But these days, most people just sign me up for cult newsletters and a lot of other like really awful WebMD, like hypochondriac bait.

01:16 But you're welcome to send me something. I probably won't see it though.

01:20 I'll just give it one of these.

01:24 Why is Moist Critical Penguin Z zero?

01:28 The lore is super simple. I was actually a child.

01:32 I made the account in 2007. I was 11.

01:34 I thought penguins were cool. The name penguin was taken. Not that deep.

01:39 Why does Moist Critical wear white shirts?

01:42 Convenience. Most of everything I have in my life comes from Walmart.

01:46 So I just get big packs of white shirts and that's good enough for me.

01:49 I'm not out here trying to make any kind of fashion statements. So it's super simple, super easy.

01:54 Why does Moist Critical talk like that?

01:57 That's a question for God, not me. I couldn't tell you. It's just I have very weird vocal chords.

02:03 I have a very monotone voice.

02:04 The best description I've heard of it is that it sounds like an unenthusiastic hand job.

02:08 I've been really gravitating towards the word goofy over the last year or so.

02:12 I like these words that kind of fell out of grace for a while.

02:15 Old expressions like calling someone an old battle axe or a harpy or a harlot.

02:20 Goofy, silly, wacky.

02:22 It's like fetal development where you're in like the zygotic stage all the way till birth.

02:26 Right now I'm in like the goofy development.

02:28 Why does Moist Critical look like Jesus?

02:32 I just don't think I do. I really don't. I just have long hair and I'm short.

02:36 I don't know if Jesus was short, but other than that, I think that's where the similarities stop.

02:40 He had like really brown hair. Mine's more black.

02:42 I don't think I look like him at all, but...

02:44 Most people seem to think I do.

02:47 Is Moist Critical in a band?

02:50 Yeah, it's a two-man band. It's me and my buddy Troy. He's from New Zealand.

02:53 We are the Gentle Men.

02:55 Troy does all of the music. I do all the lyrics and vocals.

02:58 That's why a lot of them are very silly.

02:59 Like 2019 Guy is all about being a cuck and being super happy about it.

03:04 And Sky Nut's all about robots that are powered by human semen from the future.

03:08 He does all the really good music stuff and I do all the super stupid stuff.

03:12 We make a great team.

03:13 Is Moist Critical from Florida?

03:16 I was born in Tampa, moved to Orlando, moved back to Tampa in sixth grade, and I've been here ever since.

03:22 I'm not leaving until Florida is fully underwater and even then I might still stick around.

03:26 I don't think I have very many Florida Man qualities other than maybe the way I dress or where I go, I guess.

03:32 We went to a club called The Castle last week, which is a goth nightclub with a station for paddling and all kinds of like bunk beds.

03:40 But I don't think I have many Florida Man qualities myself.

03:45 Not that I can think of at least.

03:46 Is Moist Critical jacked?

03:49 Not to toot my own horn, but I do lift very often.

03:52 I was a human science major with a concentration in exercise physiologies, but I'm not really jacked.

03:58 I keep myself lean because I'm five foot six.

04:00 So if I get jacked, I look like a meatball and it looks really gross.

04:03 Is Moist Critical scared of cockroaches?

04:07 Nope. Common misconception.

04:09 I scream because I'm trying to scare them away.

04:11 So I'm not afraid of anything except flying.

04:14 Is Moist Critical scared of flying?

04:17 What do you know?

04:18 Yeah, I am scared of flying. It's my main phobia. Really the only phobia.

04:22 Does Critical have a world record?

04:27 Not anymore. Every time I get a world record, I post about it and some goblin out there goes and takes it from me.

04:33 Most of my previous records were speedrun related, so gaming.

04:36 Mr. Krabs overdoses on ketamine and dies. It got taken.

04:39 I held a record in House of Caravan. Got taken.

04:42 I did have a record for a little while, kind of, not an official one,

04:46 for sex toy collecting, but then Belle Delphine beat me.

04:49 So right now, no world records and probably never will hold one for long.

04:53 But I have had previous records.

04:55 When did Critical reveal his face?

04:58 2015, I think.

05:01 I started posting on Snapchat, doing like recorder covers of popular music,

05:07 and then I eventually posted that Snapchat in a comment on a video called "Paint the Town Red."

05:12 But I don't think I started putting it in videos until 2016 or 2017.

05:17 Does Critical have Discord?

05:19 I don't go on it super often, only to talk to like friends or do voice calls with friends, but I do have it.

05:25 That was outrageous, sorry about that.

05:29 What is PenguinZZero's favorite anime?

05:33 Code Geass. It is, I think, a masterpiece.

05:36 It has one of my favorite endings in all of fiction, and I think the whole thing is just beautifully written.

05:41 What does PenguinZZero drive?

05:43 An SUV. I got an SUV a little over a year ago.

05:47 I just like the SUV more because I'm very risk-averse, so it's a safer vehicle.

05:52 What is PenguinZZero's favorite game?

05:55 City of Heroes. It's an old MMO that I think is truly underrated.

06:00 Shut down in 2012, God rest its soul, but I think it's still an incredible game.

06:04 There's private servers. I still play from time to time.

06:07 I guess second to City of Heroes would be Halo 2.

06:11 Does Charles Christopher White Jr. have a brother?

06:14 Not that I know of. I'm pretty sure I'm the only child, but I've never really sat my parents down to get to the bottom of it.

06:20 I'm pretty sure it's just me.

06:21 Does Charles Christopher White Jr. act in Hunger Games?

06:26 Don't ask silly questions. You know the answer. Yes.

06:28 I'm the only thing that held that entire franchise together, and it's an absolute shame that they didn't call me back for the most recent one.

06:34 I'm very disappointed with their decision, but I will never forget the time I spent on that set.

06:40 Is Charles Christopher White Jr. still alive?

06:44 Yeah.

06:44 Can Moist Critical play guitar?

06:51 I tried. I played in middle school. I dropped it in high school.

06:55 I haven't really touched it since.

06:57 I can do a "Tears Don't Fall" intro still, I think. But other than that, nothing else.

07:03 How did Moist Critical get famous?

07:07 I didn't. You've been misled. I just post shit on the internet.

07:10 And some people watch it, and that's really about it.

07:12 But I guess maybe the Hunger Games would be another answer to that.

07:17 When does Moist Critical stream?

07:19 Pretty much every night. Times vary. All very spontaneous.

07:23 Sometimes I don't stream every day. You never really know.

07:25 You gotta stay on your toes.

07:26 Does Moist Critical use a script?

07:29 Nope.

07:30 Fire on the camera, talk about absolute nonsense, and that's about the extent of the effort that goes into that.

07:36 Unless we're doing something like wrestling.

07:38 With wrestling, we plan out a lot of what goes on beforehand.

07:41 But when it's just a normal video, it's super simple.

07:45 I just start talking about some really goofy shit, and that's about it.

07:48 Thanks for having me on.

07:52 A big fuck you to the Hunger Games for not bringing me back.

07:55 District 8 Hospital Helper is the only glue that held that disheveled franchise together.

08:00 Aside from that, it was just a lot of fun. Thank you for putting it together.

08:04 [BLANK_AUDIO]

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