- 1 day ago
Psychologist, author and surrogacy advocate Kim Bergman joins WIRED to answer the internet’s burning questions about being a surrogate and the surrogacy process. Where do you begin with surrogacy? What happens if a surrogate decides they want to keep the baby? What are the risks involved with surrogacy? Answers to these questions and many more await on Surrogacy Support.
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00:00Hi, I'm Kim Bergman, psychologist, author, and surrogacy expert, senior partner at Growing
00:05Generations. I'm here to answer your questions from the internet. This is surrogacy support.
00:14From the rAdvice subreddit, is it wrong for me to want a surrogate even though I'm capable of
00:20having children? This is a very controversial topic. It depends on what your reasoning is,
00:25even though you think you don't have one. We might uncover that actually you have a lot of
00:29anxiety about being pregnant, or you have some PTSD about something that happened in your past,
00:34or someone you know, a relative who died in childbirth. There actually could be many reasons
00:39underlying your wish to use a surrogate that you're not even aware of, so we would explore that,
00:44of course. Then some of the more sort of gray areas. Your career is taking off, and your career is
00:52one
00:52where if you took the time off to have a baby, you would be left behind. Here's where I land,
00:57and it is a little controversial. Third-party assisted reproduction is an expression of
01:01reproductive freedom, not just for you, but also for this gestational carrier. The carrier should
01:06be fully informed. She should know everything about that family, why they're coming to surrogacy,
01:12what their needs are, what their feelings are, what their wishes are, and she can choose.
01:17And I'm not really weighing in on whether it's right or wrong, but I can tell you truthfully,
01:23anecdotally, many gestational carriers do not care. They believe in surrogacy as a way to create
01:30families, and they often do not have a judgment about why. I know a lot of people are curious about
01:36celebrities who use a surrogate. There is a lot that goes on that the public doesn't know about.
01:42So it may look like a celebrity is just choosing a surrogate out of ease or comfort or vanity.
01:49It isn't always the case. Often, those celebrities have a reason to use a surrogate,
01:54but they're keeping it private. I know what people are thinking, but it's a celebrity. It's a lot of
01:58money. It's exploitive. Yeah, those things come to play, and that's why you need really good experts
02:04who can tease out what's really going on and help to make this the most ethical process possible.
02:10Our next question is from PuzzleHeadedTel480. Surrogacy, exploitive or empowering? It could be
02:16either. When it is done right, absolutely empowering. Surrogate is fully screened, her home life, her
02:23financial status, her background, her pregnancy history. She is in it for the right reason. I want
02:28to give the gift of motherhood to somebody else. This is not my baby. I am not giving away my
02:34baby.
02:34I am actually partnering with these intended parents to make their dream come true. How powerful,
02:40how amazing am I? The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for the surrogate is the look
02:45on the
02:46parents' faces when they lay eyes on their baby for the first time. That is an incredibly empowering
02:51moment. Yes, of course it can be exploitive if it's not done right. You know, this is a delicate
02:56process, and everybody really needs to be doing this the most ethically that it can be done,
03:02that all of the experts are doing their job, that everybody is communicating, that there's
03:06transparency, authenticity, honesty, expectations are set correctly, that there are legal contracts
03:12in place, that there are all of the safeguards and guardrails that we have that are readily
03:18available. And when that happens, this is an incredibly beautiful and empowering experience.
03:23You have to remember, they're fully screened, they're fully informed and consented. We only take
03:28the top one to two percent. The screening process is multi-layered and several months and a big
03:33commitment. So they really have to be full in. One of the tells for me is that a lot of
03:39women who are
03:40surrogates go on after the surrogacy to do something in their lives that they didn't feel
03:45empowered to do before. They really see the act of giving birth to someone else's baby and seeing the
03:52joy. That accomplishment empowers them to go on in life and do even more things that are an expression of
04:00self-actualization. Merciful Kindness asks, what's surrogacy in vitro fertilization? Surrogacy is
04:07essentially third-party assisted reproduction, where people outside of the intended parents help the
04:14intended parents become parents. And the surrogate is the person who carries that baby. In vitro fertilization
04:20is completely separate. That is how embryos are made outside of the woman's body. And that is where
04:26the egg is retrieved from the intended mom or an egg donor. The egg and the sperm are fertilized in
04:33the
04:33lab and then tested, and then that becomes the embryos. Surrogacy is used for a number of different
04:38reasons. Probably the number one reason is that the intended parents have some kind of a medical
04:43reason that they cannot carry their own child. Next, anyone who doesn't have a uterus needs the help of a
04:49gestational carrier, which is the kind of technical way that we refer to surrogates. So really any time
04:56the parents need help, this is when a gestational carrier can step in and help. A Quora user asks,
05:03how realistic is the scenario in friends where Phoebe is a surrogate for her brother? It's not unrealistic.
05:09If the sister qualifies medically, psychologically, if she wants to do it, the one issue that we really want to
05:16safeguard when surrogacy is happening within a family setting or friends is that no one is being exploited.
05:23And by that, I mean, it can be hard to say no to your brother or no to your infertile
05:28sister. It's not really
05:29exploitation as much as it is gentle, unconscious coercion, because it is hard to say no to somebody you love.
05:36But it does happen, and it can happen beautifully. When it happens, though, experts still really need to be involved,
05:43even more so.
05:45JimmyJohnny23, what happens if a surrogate mother decides she wants to keep the baby?
05:49That is the number one fear of people who are embarking on having a baby through surrogacy, but it isn't
05:55actually a real thing.
05:56In 30 years of me doing this, I have never had a surrogate want to keep a baby, try to
06:01keep a baby, need to be talked out of keeping a baby.
06:04From the surrogate's perspective, this would be like kidnapping your baby. She does not feel like the baby's parent.
06:09She is not connected to the baby in that way. She is crystal clear she's doing this for you so
06:14you can have a baby.
06:15Now, having said all of that, the legal contracts are really clear. She does not have a legal right to
06:21the baby,
06:22as long as the contract and the surrogacy is taking place in a state where surrogacy is safe and legal
06:28and the contracts are observed.
06:29And that is not all states in the U.S. It's really important that lawyers weigh in from day one
06:34to make sure that the agreement is legally binding.
06:37But as long as it is, she has no legal standing, even if she wanted to.
06:42But again, that's not really good enough. We don't want a surrogate to be unhappy and regretting this decision.
06:47So the screening is really where this comes in.
06:49I will say most agencies have a very rigorous screening process.
06:52And that screening process is what ends up having, in 30 years, never having had a surrogate even question whose
07:00baby it is and who takes the baby home.
07:03Broccoli Custard asks,
07:05What's the difference between traditional surrogacy and gestational surrogacy?
07:09Gestational surrogacy is what most people are doing.
07:12That is when the gestational carrier is not genetically related to the embryo.
07:17The embryo is made through IVF.
07:19That embryo is transferred into the surrogate's uterus.
07:23And that surrogate is on hormones to support the pregnancy.
07:27Traditional surrogacy is where the surrogate's egg is used.
07:31And it is fertilized by the father or a sperm donor's sperm for the intended parent.
07:36So in that case, the baby is genetically related to the surrogate.
07:40Mushroom popular 4280, if a surrogate aborts, her body, her choice.
07:45It is addressed in the contract in terms of what the parent's preferences would be if something was found to
07:51be wrong with the baby and the parents wanted to abort.
07:54But ultimately, it is the surrogate's choice.
07:56And this is why the screening process is so important.
07:59The surrogate is asked multiple times about this through multiple channels by multiple professionals.
08:05And no one wants to have an abortion.
08:08It's never anybody's choice.
08:10But if a surrogate says something like,
08:13this won't happen to me, or I would never abort my own baby,
08:17we're just gonna have questions about whether or not she should be a surrogate.
08:21Not because we believe in abortion or against abortion,
08:23but because we want her to be safe and happy at the end.
08:27And we don't want her to be in a position where she's uncomfortable.
08:30So most of the time, the surrogate's position on abortion is something like this.
08:34I hope we don't have to have one, but of course I would have one if the parents wanted me
08:37to.
08:38Now, I will also say,
08:39embryos are typically being tested for different fetal abnormalities.
08:44We've only had one case of a fetal abnormality that necessitated a termination.
08:48And in that case, the parents did choose to terminate, the surrogate did terminate.
08:51And we provide a lot of support for everybody when that happens.
08:54It is a rare occurrence, but it is ultimately the surrogate's choice,
08:58which is why we need to be really clear at the outset how she would feel about it.
09:03The other half of the question that you might be asking is,
09:05if she wants to have an abortion, yes, she can have an abortion.
09:10We've had very, very few cases ever in the whole 30 years of a surrogate needing to abort
09:15because of a fetal abnormality.
09:16We have always had surrogates be willing to do it if it happened,
09:19but we have never had a surrogate have an abortion just because.
09:23There may be some contractual repercussions, but in terms of her body, ultimately it's her body.
09:29It's her choice.
09:31Organic mother.
09:32Can a woman become a surrogate more than once?
09:35Yes, if the first surrogacy goes well,
09:37there is a limit to the number of overall pregnancies a gestational carrier can have.
09:42After six pregnancies, the risk of something going wrong is higher.
09:47And at the end of the day, surrogacy is optional for the surrogate.
09:50It has to absolutely, to the best of our ability, do no harm to her.
09:55So if she's had, let's say, four of her own kids, she could be a surrogate twice.
10:00About 25% of our surrogates do come back.
10:03Many of those will be a sibling journey for the same family.
10:06Many surrogates are very happy to have done one and done.
10:10This is a calling for them.
10:12It's a project.
10:13It's something they feel really good about having accomplished.
10:17A Quora user asked, what happens legally if a surrogate miscarries?
10:21Most of the time, if a surrogate miscarries, she miscarries early in the pregnancy,
10:26the very first trimester.
10:28So from a legal perspective, nothing happens.
10:30The miscarriage will be completed.
10:32Then, typically speaking, the doctor will wait one or two cycles
10:35and then step in and do another embryo transfer.
10:38If the miscarriage happens later, the doctor will want the parents to match with the new surrogate.
10:44Just because that surrogate having a late miscarriage is a high risk for future miscarriages.
10:49So in that case, the contract between the parents and the surrogate would be terminated amicably
10:53and then the parents would be rematched with the new surrogate.
10:56So you may be wondering about the compensation for the surrogate if something happens to the pregnancy.
11:01When the surrogate goes for that first embryo transfer,
11:04she is paid a small portion of her total compensation
11:07because it is inconvenient and there's time off work and all of that.
11:11Then, once she's pregnant, her compensation is paid monthly throughout the pregnancy
11:16all the way through to the end.
11:17So if she has a miscarriage, the compensation will stop at that point,
11:21but she already will have been compensated for the time that she was pregnant.
11:25Corey User asks,
11:27Do surrogate mothers have the same job protection as non-surrogate mothers,
11:30like not being able to lose a job if bedridden?
11:32Legally, they are still a pregnant person and they have all the same rights as any other pregnant person.
11:38Having said that, it does happen that employers do not treat them the same way
11:42and they need some extra help with advocating for themselves.
11:45Fantastic Fortune 716.
11:48Surrogacy, where to begin?
11:50If you are thinking about surrogacy,
11:52most likely you have been having some difficulty having a baby the old-fashioned way.
11:58Surrogacy is not Plan A.
12:00It is often not Plan B.
12:02It is often Plan C or D after all other things have been exhausted.
12:07And in that process, there's going to be a lot of normal, healthy grieving.
12:13Grieving whether you're able to carry your baby yourself,
12:16or if you need to use outside help, an egg donor, a sperm donor.
12:21All of these are not the way we grow up thinking we're going to become parents.
12:25So there is some natural grieving that has to happen,
12:28and then acceptance, and then forward-looking.
12:31Because surrogacy is very successful if that is your path.
12:35One of my favorite things talking to new prospective intended parents
12:39who are considering surrogacy is seeing the light kind of go on for them,
12:43that they have had trouble, problems, challenges, setbacks,
12:47disappointment, frustration, tragedy, and now I'm hopefully offering some hope.
12:53So if you're the intended parents, where to begin is probably Googling,
12:58I want to have a baby through a surrogate,
13:00and then you're going to find lots of resources online.
13:02And then you will do your due diligence, meet with some agencies,
13:06meet with some doctors, get information, and then make your choices.
13:09Third-party sister reproduction is a village experience.
13:12It requires a lot of experts.
13:14You're picking your team, basically, and you want to pick the team that really has your back
13:18and you feel really good about.
13:19So that's where to start as an intended parent.
13:22For the woman who is considering surrogacy, this is typically someone who has given birth.
13:27They've had easy, safe, uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.
13:31They love being pregnant.
13:33And sidebar, I know a lot of people cannot believe that,
13:35but there are a lot of women who really love being pregnant.
13:39Their families are complete, and their joy in life is being a mom,
13:42and they realize that they could give that ultimate gift to someone else.
13:48If you're wanting to be a surrogate, where to start isn't all that different.
13:52You're going to probably Google, can I be a surrogate?
13:54You're going to find lots of resources.
13:56You're going to reach out first to an agency or two or three,
13:58figure out how they do things, see who is a good fit for you,
14:01meet the actual people involved in the agencies.
14:04There are a lot of resources that can be very helpful.
14:07One of my favorites is FamilyEquality.org, which has a lot of resources for you.
14:13Resolve.org, that's another one.
14:15Those are U.S. organizations.
14:17Both organizations focus on advocacy, education, and support,
14:20as well as really the nitty-gritty of how-to.
14:23There are referrals there.
14:25There are places you can find funding sources, loans.
14:29There are doctors that you can find through those two sites.
14:31So those would be my two go-tos.
14:33Blue Hour Echo writes,
14:36we just had our son be a surrogacy in Mexico,
14:39back home and getting judged, feeling lost.
14:42That's really unfortunate.
14:44There are so many different ways I can answer this question,
14:46and I'm going to try to answer all of them.
14:48So, number one, you're being judged because you're gay dads.
14:50Your son doesn't have a mom, and your son doesn't need a mom,
14:53and you are going to be your son's best advocate.
14:55Daddy and Papa knew we wanted you.
14:57We always wanted to be dads.
14:59And we had help from one woman who did this,
15:01and one woman who did that.
15:02I mean, this is why I wrote a children's book,
15:04You Began As A Wish.
15:05We prayed for you.
15:06We wanted you.
15:06We talked about you.
15:07We always knew you were meant to be ours.
15:10And here you are, and we couldn't love you more,
15:12and we're thrilled to be your daddy and your Papa.
15:14If you're getting hassled because you had the help of a surrogate,
15:17grown-ups, you know, can be really judgy.
15:20People don't always understand and aren't always kind,
15:23but you know why you had a baby through surrogacy,
15:26and your baby will feel the love.
15:28If the judgment is because you went to Mexico, that's just silly.
15:31Because you went the path that allowed you to make this happen for yourself.
15:36Now, I don't want to pry and assume,
15:40but it's possible that the judgment about going to Mexico
15:43is because there's an idea that surrogates in developing nations are being exploited.
15:49The rules and the laws are not as protective as they are in the U.S.,
15:53but you will have to share the integrity of the experience you had.
15:57If you feel good about it, if you know that your surrogate was treated right,
16:00and you had a great experience, that's what you have to share.
16:02We Will Mock You asks,
16:05What happens if the intended parents of a surrogate baby change their mind?
16:09The only way they can relinquish is to relinquish the baby
16:12the same way they would relinquish a naturally born baby.
16:15They cannot just nullify the contract.
16:17They cannot change their mind.
16:19That is their baby, no matter what.
16:21In order to use a surrogate,
16:23you have to name two sets of alternate guardians who would take the baby
16:27in case you die while the surrogate is pregnant.
16:30So if you abandon the baby, one of those sets of guardians will be required to take that baby
16:35and be the legal guardian of that baby.
16:37And I will say, it just doesn't happen that intended parents abandon their baby.
16:41It's complicated.
16:42Lawyers get involved and lawyers make things happen in a legal way,
16:46but it is very, very, very, very rare.
16:49Nia Katza,
16:50How do surrogacy agencies recruit women?
16:53What's their socioeconomic status?
16:55Where do they live?
16:56How much money is offered to them?
16:57There are a lot of misconceptions about who surrogates are and why they do it.
17:02Most people think surrogates are, you know, young, opportunistic, in it for the money.
17:06This couldn't be further from the truth.
17:08Typically, surrogates are in their mid-20s to late-30s, stable lives, stable relationships.
17:15They have a village around them. They have good jobs.
17:17They are coming to this process as a really kind of like a project that they want to take on
17:24that's ancillary to their already pretty beautiful, well-established lives.
17:28People who want to be surrogates are often in helping professions.
17:31It's a similar mindset.
17:33So a lot of nurses and school teachers, preschool teachers, we specifically do not recruit women to be surrogates.
17:39We want women who want to be surrogates to find us and then we put them through the screening process.
17:46Socio-economically, they have to be at a certain financial level depending on where they live.
17:50So they cannot be on food stamps or state aid.
17:53And this is not a judgment.
17:55It's just simply the women who are going to be surrogates really need to be food stable, home stable, financially
18:00stable.
18:00They cannot depend on the surrogacy compensation to feed their kids.
18:04It does put exploitation on the table.
18:07So we want surrogates for whom the surrogacy compensation is gravy.
18:11The compensation varies depending on the agency.
18:14At Goring Generations, our compensation is on the higher end.
18:17It's part of how we end up with only one to two percent of women who want to be surrogates.
18:23We're very rigorous. We put them through a lot.
18:25So it starts at about $75,000.
18:27And then, of course, all their expenses are also paid.
18:30The money is for the pain and suffering, the inconvenience, the risk.
18:34You know, this is not a nine-month process from the time the surrogate applies to be a surrogate
18:39until she delivers a baby.
18:40Two years.
18:41Could be longer from Stone 500.
18:43My wife offered to be a surrogate for our friends without talking to me about it first.
18:47How upset am I allowed to be?
18:49You are allowed to be as upset as you are because those are your feelings and you can have them.
18:53Surrogacy is definitely a family affair and surrogates need the support of their husbands.
18:58It is not something to be taken lightly.
19:00And as an agency, we would not accept a surrogate whose husband is not fully on board.
19:04The good news is, in order for your wife to be a surrogate, she is going to need a doctor
19:08and a lawyer and all of the parts.
19:10And all of those experts will intervene and let her know that the husband also needs to be fully informed
19:16and fully consenting.
19:18Now, maybe once you understand what the process is, you get on board.
19:22And maybe you don't.
19:24The most important thing is that you and your wife are safe and healthy and feel good about this process.
19:30Again, surrogacy is optional for the surrogate.
19:34It's not optional for intended parents who are struggling to have a family.
19:38So at the core, fundamentally, it cannot do any harm.
19:41And that includes to your marriage.
19:42So if you guys are not on the same page, that is not a good foundation for a surrogacy.
19:49ThrowRAsurrogate2141 asks,
19:50My sister has been pushing me to be a surrogate.
19:53Now, entire family is begging me.
19:54I agreed at first, but now I'm having major second thoughts.
19:58How do I tell them no?
20:00It is hard and there is a lot of pressure.
20:02So to help you, all of us professionals kind of have fielded these situations.
20:06There are any number of reasons why you would be disqualified that are totally benign.
20:10Something in your blood work.
20:12Something in your labs.
20:14Something in your psych history.
20:16And a professional can help you get out of this.
20:18I have had many cases.
20:19It's not usually a surrogate.
20:20It's more often an egg donor.
20:21Where the egg donor promises her brother she's going to be the egg donor.
20:25And they're all happy family.
20:26And they can't wait.
20:27And they get her in a room.
20:28First thing she says is,
20:29I do not want to do this.
20:31I don't know how to get out of it.
20:32In those situations, we will help you get out of it while saving face.
20:36It is a really big commitment.
20:37And it's not something to be taken lightly.
20:39And you definitely don't want to do it if you don't want to do it.
20:42A Quora user asks,
20:43What are the risks involved in surrogacy and how can they be avoided?
20:46So in terms of medically for the gestational carrier,
20:49there are so many medical tests and things put in place to ensure her safety.
20:54For example, we only accept the top 1-2% of women who apply.
20:58Because sometimes there are small things in their obstetric history that could sort of foretell a risk.
21:04And the point of that is to protect her and keep her healthy as well as obviously the pregnancy and
21:09the baby.
21:09All surrogates undergo a psychological assessment.
21:12They have access to a psychologist throughout the entire journey so that they can talk about their feelings.
21:17They have a support system if they need it.
21:19Speaking of support systems, we thoroughly vet a surrogate support system.
21:23So she has to really have a village around her that's supporting her in this venture.
21:28Surrogacy is completely contract driven.
21:30The intended parents have a lawyer. The surrogate has a lawyer.
21:33They create a contract together. This contract spells everything out for everybody.
21:38It is a very safe process from a legal perspective.
21:41Financially, the compensation, all of the expenses, all of those funds are put into an escrow account.
21:47And those bills are paid in real time.
21:48All of this is to say there's a lot of front-end planning.
21:52We want to really reduce surprises. We want surprises like, you're pregnant, it's a boy, it's a girl.
21:59But we don't want surprises that we could have planned for in advance.
22:01So we do a really good job of front-ending the whole process to keep everybody as safe as possible.
22:07Laputa9 asks, why is surrogacy illegal or limited in so many European countries?
22:12So-called altruistic surrogacy is legal in many countries.
22:14What is illegal is compensated surrogacy.
22:18That is considered illegal in many countries because those countries believe that the surrogate is being exploited.
22:24Further, those countries believe that whoever delivers the baby is the mother.
22:30And they write their laws around that construct.
22:33So if a surrogate delivers a baby, even if she's not genetically related to the baby, she is a legal
22:38mom.
22:38So contrary to that, in the U.S., the laws around surrogacy state that the intended parents are the parents
22:47who intended for this baby to be born into their family.
22:50So even intended parents who have no genetic connection to the offspring, they use an egg donor and a sperm
22:56donor and a surrogate.
22:57They still have full legal parental rights to that baby.
23:00They intended for that baby to be born.
23:02And that is the law in the U.S. It's very clear.
23:05So all surrogacy is altruistic.
23:08Whether the surrogate is being compensated, whether she is not, whether her expenses are being paid, whether they're not,
23:13at the core of surrogacy, ethical surrogacy, is altruism.
23:18Surrogates are so generous.
23:22They are really crazy generous.
23:24They are a special kind of generous.
23:27And even though they're being compensated, it does not take away from that generosity.
23:31So yes, the argument that because they're being paid, they're being exploited is very interesting because it doesn't really make
23:37sense.
23:38If the same surrogate would do it not being paid, isn't that the more exploitative option?
23:44I say yes.
23:44It is very inconvenient.
23:46It's a two-year commitment.
23:48There's risk.
23:49There's time away from her family.
23:52This is what she's been compensated for.
23:53It's only exploitive if she wouldn't make the choice any other way, if she is going against her own best
24:03judgment because she can't feed her kids.
24:05And that's why surrogates have to meet a financial requirement.
24:07They have to be free of any financial stress.
24:10From Wreck the Rick, attachment issues from being removed from mother due to surrogacy.
24:15This supposes that the surrogate is the mother.
24:17Surrogate is not the mother.
24:19And there is a good body of research that babies born through surrogacy fare just as well.
24:25There are lots of ways in which the intended parents can bond with the baby while the surrogate is pregnant
24:29by participating in the OB care and things that are shared with the baby through earbuds, through the uterus, voice,
24:37and music.
24:38And I think bonding is a very individual process.
24:41The bonding and relationships are just as strong with the intended parents and the baby, regardless of how the baby
24:48was born.
24:49I see kids who are thoroughly loved and wanted by their parents, and I don't see any missing in the
24:56bonding.
24:57Woleed asks,
24:58How much does surrogacy cost?
25:00It's expensive.
25:01At the very lowest, about $150,000, and it can go up from there.
25:05$200,000, even $300,000.
25:08It is, you know, kind of like building a house.
25:11There's just a lot of parts, and they all need to be paid.
25:14You've got the agency fee.
25:16You've got the surrogate's compensation.
25:17You've got the doctor's fee, the lawyer's fee, the medical insurance, the medical expense for the OB care.
25:24There's also the IVF cost, and if you need an egg donor or a sperm donor.
25:28All of the surrogates travel, all of her lost wages, all of her expenses around the screening and the embryo
25:36transfer,
25:36and then the pregnancy, and then postpartum when she's not working.
25:40All of these expenses go into the process.
25:43And what you should get when you start the process is a line-by-line budget.
25:48So you know exactly how much it's predicted to cost from the beginning, because actually, it is very predictable.
25:56A Quora user asked, does surrogacy assure a healthy baby?
25:59So no pregnancy ever assures a healthy baby.
26:03Pregnancy's risky, but with third-party reproduction in general, there are a lot of safeguards and guardrails in place that
26:12help to increase the odds of a healthy baby.
26:15Eggs and egg donors are scrutinized. Sperm and sperm donors are scrutinized.
26:20The embryos are tested.
26:22The gestational carrier has lots of scrutiny of her previous pregnancies and OB records.
26:28So the odds are stacked in favor of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
26:35This is part science, part magic, part luck, part kind of how it just goes.
26:42So most of the time, surrogacy babies are perfectly healthy, but miscarriages happen.
26:48There's just no way to completely reduce or remove all the risks.
26:52Next up from Goblin Mom, advice on how to start the process of being a surrogate.
26:57Talk to a couple of different agencies and ask them if you can talk to some women who've been surrogates
27:01for their agency.
27:02You'll get a feel for it.
27:03At our agency, many of the frontline people who interview women who want to be surrogates were surrogates themselves.
27:09And they are happy to share their experience, be kind of your partner in this, tell you all about sort
27:14of the highs and lows and really be there as a resource for you.
27:18But it is a gut check experience because it's a very human process.
27:22So you want to feel really good about the people you're talking to.
27:25Pleasant Choice 6130.
27:27The screening process seems pretty rigorous for potential surrogates.
27:31Is it the same for intended parents?
27:33So surrogates are screened.
27:35They're going to have to meet a certain baseline requirements.
27:38They have to have given birth.
27:39They have to have had easy pregnancies and deliveries.
27:41They have to live in a state where surrogacy is safe and legal, be at a certain financial level so
27:45they're financially stable.
27:47They have to have the full support of their family and friends, their boss, their kids if they're old enough.
27:52They have to be absent of any other medical issues.
27:55No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no history of criminal behavior, no arrests.
28:01So there's a lot they have to go through just to get to the point where they are medically screened.
28:06And then, of course, they have full labs, blood work, uterine ultrasound, kind of a head-to-toe physical, full
28:11psychological screening.
28:12The intended parents also have to have a psychoeducational consult.
28:16They also have to have blood work and infectious disease and all those other things because their body fluids are
28:23going to be impacting the surrogate.
28:25So all of that needs to be done.
28:26And then they will have a criminal background check.
28:30Okay, from organic mother, what impact does surrogacy have on the surrogate's mental health?
28:35It should have a positive impact on her mental health.
28:38They will have a very comprehensive psychological assessment by a mental health professional.
28:44Then, in our program, there's ongoing, unlimited psychological support throughout the process.
28:49Pregnancy can be stressful, and there are times where it can be harmful to her, and we do our best
28:57to mitigate that.
28:58Like, for example, if the surrogate and the intended parents start out with one type of relationship, and through the
29:03journey, the relationship changes.
29:05The surrogate may be disappointed, she may not feel cared for, but hopefully she's been so thoroughly screened that she
29:14can weather those things.
29:15Because she knows, in the process of screening and in the talking to everybody, that that can happen.
29:22One of the questions we ask the surrogate is, if it didn't go well with the parents, and at the
29:26end you never speak to them again, would that be devastating for you?
29:30And if the surrogate says yes, then, to be honest, she shouldn't be a surrogate, because you never know.
29:35Most people do stay in contact with their surrogate and with their intended parents, whether it be as little as
29:41being on each other's holiday card list, being Facebook friends, or being really actual friends, but not everybody.
29:48And the purpose for the surrogate of being a surrogate shouldn't be to have a whole new friendship and a
29:54whole new family.
29:55If that happens, it's gravy, it's wonderful.
29:56But the purpose for her should be helping someone become a parent.
30:00And our job in the screening process is to make sure that we're only letting women go forward who have
30:06that mindset and understand that, so that they're not hurt later.
30:09Not because it's a judgment, not because she's wrong to feel that way, but because we want to make sure
30:14we're not going to set her up for harm later on.
30:16We want to make sure expectations are realistic.
30:19It is something we talk about in great detail at the match meeting.
30:22What is everybody's expectation for this journey together?
30:26So obviously if the parents say we really want to be super involved and we want to be friends for
30:30life, and the surrogate wants that too, that's a good match.
30:33But the surrogate still needs to understand, as do the parents, it may not happen that way.
30:37So there are a lot of things we do and put in place to safeguard the surrogate's mental health.
30:43It's very important. Her health in all ways, physical and mental, are paramount in this process.
30:50This is from the Futurology subreddit.
30:53Are we too close to making Gattaca a reality?
30:58I... you've stumped me.
31:00Look, science has taken us really far. Even in my 30-year career, the science around IVF, the science around
31:06family planning, the science around what we can and can't do has changed.
31:10There are really clear ethics, and there are very good ethics societies that write about this and talk about this.
31:22The American Society for Reproductive Medicine has papers about every aspect of this process.
31:27There is a very robust ethical committee, and that committee explores and discusses all of these issues.
31:34But I would say for the most part, the advances in science have been for the better.
31:39Heaven's Dump Truck writes,
31:41Would you tell your child if they were conceived through surrogacy?
31:44Yes. Yes. Giant, yes.
31:46Kids want to know where they came from.
31:48And they don't come out with any preconceived ideas about where they came from or what it's supposed to be
31:53like.
31:54They don't land on the earth knowing it's supposed to be a mom, a dad that they're genetically related to
32:00that gave birth to them.
32:01They know love, commitment, they know consistency, they know a human being grown up who's there to take care of
32:08them.
32:08So yes, yes, yes. And you tell the story, some version of this.
32:12Mommy and Daddy, or Mommy and Mama, Poppy and Papa wanted a baby so much, and we needed help.
32:19It takes several different ingredients to make a baby, and we had this one and that one, but we didn't
32:24have this one.
32:25And so a really nice lady helped us with this one, and her name is Susie.
32:28And she helped us because we really wanted you.
32:31We always knew we wanted you, we wished for you, we thought about you, and we prayed for you, and
32:36we knew you were meant to be our baby, but we needed help having you.
32:39And so she helped us, and we were there when you were born, and you came out, and you looked
32:43right in my eyes, and you wrapped your fingers around my finger, and you're our baby.
32:47That's your story. Babies, children want to know, and they will think it is the most normal thing in the
32:52world if you do.
32:53This is everything for today. I hope you learned something.
32:57And I am always here, if you have questions, find me on the web. I'm easy to find, and I'm
33:02happy to be a resource.
33:04Thanks for watching, surrogacy support.
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