Netflix Sets Heather McMahan Stand-Up Special 'Son I Never Had' (Exclusive)

The Hollywood Reporter

The comedian and host of the 'Absolutely Not' podcast self-produced her debut hour, shot at the Lexington Opera House, before selling it to the streamer.

Transcript

00:00 Heather McMaster!

00:01 You can't even, as a woman these days,

00:07 be honest about how you feel about yourself, right?

00:10 We have all gotten to that point

00:12 where we have hit our emergency weight.

00:14 For those of y'all who don't know what emergency weight is,

00:17 you're naturally thin and everyone fucking hates you.

00:20 (audience laughing)

00:22 I wanna paint a picture

00:23 of what baby Heather looked like, okay?

00:25 I'd always wear my dad hand-me-down golf shirt,

00:28 just like tucked into the front.

00:30 I'd wear a sensible Velcro sandal

00:31 in case I had to like take off after my mom at Costco.

00:34 I really solidified the look

00:37 when I went to Great Clips one summer

00:39 and I saw my stylish Trish and I just go,

00:41 "Trish, I want you to get out the buzzers

00:43 "and hit the nape of my neck."

00:45 (audience laughing)

00:49 I wanna feel that sweet Georgia heat

00:51 just running down my spine.

00:53 I love a wide vagina joke, you know what I mean?

00:56 'Cause at the end of the day,

00:58 you can't really have a wide vagina,

01:01 but you can have a tiny dick.

01:04 (audience cheering)

01:08 Not you, sir.

01:09 You got a big dick, you got a big dick,

01:11 you got a big dick.

01:12 Only big dicks in my audience.

01:14 (audience cheering)

01:17 (audience cheering)

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