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McHale's Navy - S03E18 - The Truth Hurts
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12 hours ago
Binghamton uses truth serum on the 73 Crew, forcing them to reveal secrets. McHale and Parker then try to get them off the hook.
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00:00
Ah, bonsai, direct hit.
00:09
Why can't those nips have as good an aim as I do?
00:11
Oh, you're a regular kamikaze, sir.
00:14
I wish I was on the other side.
00:15
I'd take care of McHale.
00:17
Yeah, more than a direct hit.
00:19
Come in, come in.
00:23
Bonsai, say that, McHale.
00:26
Captain, the fleet psychiatric team is leaving.
00:28
Would you like to say goodbye to Dr. Halliford?
00:30
Oh, say goodbye to him yourself.
00:31
Can't you see I'm busy over here?
00:35
Bammo, bammo, another direct hit.
00:37
I won't disturb you, Captain, since you're so busy.
00:40
I just wanted to let you know that we examined a few combat fatigue cases.
00:44
They're very mild.
00:44
No one will have to be shipped out.
00:46
Oh, good, good.
00:46
We need all the men we can get.
00:48
Ah, watch this.
00:50
I have been.
00:51
Goodbye, Doctor.
00:54
Goodbye, McHale.
00:56
Oh, Doctor.
00:56
Doctor, did you say combat fatigue?
01:00
Now, we know McHale and his crew are suffering from something.
01:03
Why can't it be combat fatigue?
01:05
I'll get you a jeep, Doctor.
01:07
No, no, no, wait a minute.
01:08
I can tell you, Doctor, you've got to take my word for this.
01:11
These men are a bunch of kooks.
01:12
Ow!
01:13
Who did that?
01:14
You did, sir.
01:15
Well, then, why don't you watch me and tell me what I'm doing at all times?
01:18
You're a shatterhead.
01:19
Now, Doctor, let me explain this to you.
01:22
No, no, no, but you don't understand.
01:23
I have got a PT crew in there, Skipper, they're in bad shape.
01:26
Real bad shape.
01:27
Now, come on, Doctor.
01:27
We've got...
01:28
Oh, wait, just a minute.
01:30
Oh, they're in bad shape.
01:32
We've got to get rid of them right away.
01:36
Right up, fan-tales.
01:38
Sayonara, McHale.
01:40
Go along, Doctor.
01:41
Don't play with my boat.
01:42
Go along, Doctor.
02:09
Oh, my God.
02:11
uh-huh well thanks molly for the warning i'll never forget this honey bye
02:37
oh that dirty no good thinks he can pull a fast one on us huh what's the matter skip yeah something
02:43
wrong i'll say there is why that lead bottom thinks he's gonna railroad us out of here
02:48
railroad us but he can't do that skip we're in the middle of the ocean see there are no
02:51
we just ripped up a fresh batch of sake on the still our brewmeister hit just come up with a
02:57
new restaurant cool it cool it molly just tipped us off binghamton is sneaking up here with the
03:02
doctor he's gonna try to prove that we've got combat fatigue so he can ship us out of here
03:07
of all the crummy tricks and they say we fight dirty all right all right now look he wants to
03:13
pull a fast one so can we now here's what we do you get rid of those loaded dice you the mock cards
03:19
how come you have to sneak in here through the back way because these kooks are dangerous
03:31
they're in bad shape fruit cakes every one of them
03:35
all right you bunch of section eight balls i've
03:48
oh hi captain well you caught us right in the middle of our recreation period sir
03:57
are they a bunch of crackpots are they cracking up but stop that screeching when i'm talking
04:03
oh pardon me sir have you seen my tiger swallowtail tiger swallowtail oh you gotta drop a net on him
04:08
captain uh captain sir uh would you like to see my stamp collection sir oh he is a mozambique
04:16
1897 come here to see stamps we came here to see kooks now take it easy captain yeah you made me drop a
04:26
stitch captain do you think this needs a little magenta sir i think you need a magenta
04:32
straight jacket that's what i think well how about it are they daffy or aren't they do i start
04:37
cutting their shipping orders their behavior seems perfectly normal to me there i finished a pillow
04:43
skipper there's no place like tara tooper very good lester very good isn't that good gentlemen
04:49
oh it's normal do you well i tell you they are always making booze placing bets stealing things
04:58
this whole thing is just a cover-up sir you're standing on my swallowtail god weirdo weirdo don't
05:04
you see now something is wrong they've flipped they're a bunch of yo-yos to be perfectly honest
05:09
i'd have to say i have never seen a more well-balanced group well thank you sir i'm going to write that to
05:17
mother well balanced well i tell you they're a bunch of nervous wrecks they're a bunch of screaming
05:23
hysterical nervous wrecks how long have you been out here binghamton three years but stop asking me
05:28
questions they're the one i'm telling you there's something from combat captain you're in no position
05:32
to tell me anything in fact if you'd ever been in combat i'd be worried about you maybe he has desk
05:39
fatigue no no no no pull yourself together let's go i don't want to go now back to the base not one
05:47
more word i'll have to report this to the admiral carry on men yes sir doctor bye-bye captain and do
05:53
try to take it easy sir remember all work and no play
05:58
uh-uh so mikhail and this bandit's won the first round tell on tell on i'll smash him it
06:07
what happened oh the sneak attack the 73 boat attacked me
06:14
i see well here are the stomach pills you wanted
06:17
oh not a minute too soon either i tell you i've heard some scurvy tricks in my time but can you
06:24
imagine that mikhail trying to make that doctor think that i'm a sexual captain
06:28
here hold this sir i'll get the blotter you'll blotter you'll blotter you'll blotter you'll
06:35
clutch your stupid insulin clutch sir i'm sorry but i just wanted to report to you that i just saw
06:39
dr halliford off at the airstrip well good i'm glad he's gone the man is a quack i want to plug up
06:44
his stethoscope really sir well then you're in luck sir look he left his medical bag in the jeep
06:49
are you sure that's dr halliford's bag oh i'm certain look here here's a stethoscope
06:53
reflex hammer a syringe some bottles of sodium pentothal bottles of what don't tell me drinks
07:00
on the job too oh no sodium pentothal otherwise known as truth serum it's used in the questioning
07:07
of patients who have psychological problems truth serum you mean if i gave this to him he'd blab
07:12
everything he knows oh no sir not to me sir you wouldn't give it to me sir you know i would never
07:15
tell anybody about your scheming and conniving sir i would die first sir i would stand in front of a
07:19
i would say you're a ninny the man is a ninny tell me what you are i'm a ninny well thank you
07:25
commander that's all you're excused uh you have no idea how you brighten my day well glad to oblige
07:30
i think yeah goodbye commander nice to see you nice to see you i'll put you in for something
07:34
you're a grand girl grand girl now boy this is our most glorious moment mikhail and his men may not
07:41
have combat fatigue but we know they're thieves oh yes but we've never been able to get any
07:46
evidence against them sir got another turn at bat sir you mean the truth serum you mean that you
07:52
and the mail
07:53
they'll spill enough beans to keep the kitchens at alcatraz going for years
07:59
the kitchens oh sir it's very fun call mikhail and his men tell him i want them to report to the
08:03
base hospital on the double sir may i say this to you that this is brilliant absolutely brilliant
08:07
this is your finest hour sir fine i wish the upper 97 of my graduating class could see me now
08:14
all right man all right as you were as you were well i suppose you're all wondering why i had you
08:23
over here today excuse me captain but what's up what's up yes sleeve that's what's up now hold up
08:30
but sir we had our tetanus shots last week oh did you well that's just peachy it just so happens this
08:38
is for something else this is for being exposed to a dreaded new disease it comes from the um
08:43
uh the uh choo-choo fly the uh choo-choo fly that's right that's right he's the first cousin to the
08:51
the um the choo-choo fly you know the dangerous little devils oh oh that's right and choo-choo
08:56
fever can be very serious serious choo-choo fever captain i've never heard of that you well of
09:00
course you haven't heard of it this is a brand new top secret disease you know they just start
09:06
sticking girl stick stick go on line up go on line up go on worry boys this won't hurt a bit
09:12
ow hurry up elroy hurry up our canaries are just dying to sing their little beaks are twitchy
09:23
because ready and rolling sir do you think the serum to the fact we'll soon know elroy we'll soon know
09:29
tell me machinists make bell have you ever violated navy regulations by distilling liquor illegally
09:44
if you mean make booze oh sure we do it all the time
09:48
torpedo man lester gruber how much money would you say that you make by distilling this uh booze
10:01
last week we took in 306 dollars and 47 cents
10:06
that's including the deposits on the bottles you should see our still
10:12
yes uh uh radio man willie moss the still i'd love to see the still boy where is it where is it
10:21
well that's real easy to find oh where where
10:24
where where where i'm the seal i'll ask a question here
10:29
just trying to help me i'm a dunce
10:31
oh no sir you're much worse than that you're a real
10:35
strike that from the record strike that from the record
10:38
water master christopher where is the still oh let let me tell another frequency
10:45
yes yes edwards edwards where where it's in the banana tree clearing so that's where it is
10:54
you should see where we have our roulette wheel and crap table
10:57
where are they moss where are they it's uh
11:05
behind the hollow wall
11:08
so would you please
11:09
you're getting all twisted
11:12
never mind the cord i don't go on
11:13
go on the casino where is the money you've made in the casino
11:17
oh we use that to set up our phony pearl racket
11:22
if i wasn't so happy would you hear us scream
11:30
come on boys talk boy come on mr turn
11:34
go on
11:34
more boy more more
11:36
uh the nips
11:38
have you been dealing with the nips the nips
11:40
just fuji that's all
11:42
fuji
11:43
fuji
11:45
edwards who is fuji boy who is he
11:48
he's our little pal from yokohama
11:50
did you hear that carpenter
11:54
they've got a contact in yokohama
11:56
hey tinker
11:57
tell him about the fake war souvenirs
11:59
he'll love it
12:00
yes tinker
12:01
tell me
12:02
hello
12:02
that's all right
12:03
tell me
12:03
oh i tell you admiral rogers
12:14
you've got to fly down here right away sir
12:16
i've got enough evidence on mikhail and his band of thieves to put them away
12:20
right through the next war
12:22
you're not starting that business with mikhail again are you
12:25
uh no sir
12:27
no sir this time i'm finishing it and i've got the proof right here on my desk admiral
12:31
including a tape recorded confession that makes jack the ripper have an absolute inferiority complex
12:37
dinghamton this had better not be another one of your wild goose chasers i'll be down there the first thing in the morning
12:43
yes sir
12:44
well roy mikhail and his rat pack are finished they're kaput
12:48
tomorrow at this time i'll be a free man
12:51
oh good oh sir shall i start putting the evidence in the safe
12:53
oh no no no no no not the safe
12:55
no this time we're going to bury it
12:57
bury it
12:58
we are going to bury it so deep
12:59
that even their fellow worms won't know where it is
13:02
that's absolutely brilliant sir
13:03
may i say that that's the kind of stuff that admirals are made of sir
13:06
i'll drink to that
13:07
oh sir i just love being with a winner
13:12
here here here what are you doing
13:16
breaking on duty what's the matter with you
13:17
out out out
13:18
hey there's the skip
13:22
hey skip you and mr parker better get in there and get your shots pronto
13:27
yeah the old tsutsu fly i'll catch you if you don't watch out
13:29
tsutsu fly what are you eight balls talking about
13:34
yeah i never heard of a tsutsu fly
13:36
when i was a kid i had a tsutsu train but i never took shots for it
13:39
maybe you should have
13:40
no kidding skip is top level
13:41
old lead bottom saw to it himself that we got the serum
13:44
oh lead bottom
13:46
yeah
13:47
already i'm beginning to smell a rat
13:49
skip you got a pretty good nose
13:51
you snipped him out at over 50 yards
13:53
here he comes
13:53
all right you man holler right there
13:56
all right guys put these enlistment under arrest
13:59
under arrest
14:01
now now wait a minute
14:02
what did we do
14:03
now hold it captain there must be some mistake
14:06
the boys are over in the hospital getting no shots like you ordered
14:09
there is no mistake mikhail and you two so-called
14:13
officers are restricted to your base until after the court-martial
14:17
court-martial for what
14:19
for what
14:20
for having a still in a banana grove
14:22
for selling booze
14:24
for peddling phony pearls
14:26
for booking bets
14:27
for running a gambling casino
14:28
for being in cahoots with a japanese spy by the name of fuji
14:32
now do you want me to go on
14:33
who squeals
14:34
well taker was probably talking in his sleep again
14:36
me what about gruber he's the one with the big mouth
14:38
oh yeah
14:39
oh you guys are good
14:40
all right knock it off you eight balls
14:44
oh let him talk mikhail let him talk
14:46
i've got it all recorded on tape anyway
14:48
that's right and we've got all the evidence buried where you'll never find it
14:51
now captain captain
14:55
now come on let's talk this over
14:57
like like man to man huh
14:58
look if the boys have done anything wrong
15:01
why uh
15:02
look i i i can hit him with extra duty
15:04
take away their beer rations
15:06
send him to bed without supper
15:07
right
15:07
knock it off
15:09
he'll knock it off
15:10
it's all over
15:11
for the married madcaps of 73
15:13
guards
15:14
take him away
15:16
hey listen
15:17
i'll uh
15:19
eat the card marshal
15:20
bye bye sir
15:25
i suppose he found out everything
15:29
that beats me
15:31
all this and all that nonsense about a tsutsu fly
15:34
there's something fishy going on here
15:36
hi fellas
15:36
you look like you lost your best friend
15:38
we did
15:39
all five of them
15:40
old lead bottom's got the crew locked up in a pokey
15:42
yeah he's got the goods on him
15:43
somebody squealed
15:44
are you sure
15:46
well sure
15:47
the boys came down here for their tsutsu shots
15:49
and then
15:50
somehow or other binghamton got the truth out of them
15:52
tsutsu shots
15:53
yeah for the dreaded tsutsu fly
15:55
i never heard of a tsutsu fly
15:57
well binghamton sure did he personally supervised his shots
16:00
oh no
16:01
could it be possible
16:02
yes it could
16:03
quentin
16:04
i'm afraid your boys have squealed on themselves
16:06
what do you mean
16:07
binghamton got hold of subsodium pentothal
16:10
that's truth serum
16:10
out of dr halliford's bag
16:12
and he might just be rad enough to
16:14
of course
16:15
truth serum
16:17
that's what binghamton must have done
16:19
quince you gotta do something
16:20
oh sure but what
16:22
he's got all the tape and all the evidence buried somewhere
16:24
we'll never find it unless it
16:26
unless what skip
16:28
unless we get binghamton to talk the same way he made the boys talk
16:33
zing
16:34
zing
16:35
now you sure you remember how molly told you to handle that thing
16:40
right skip all full ahead jabbing lamp is lit
16:43
all right all right all right
16:45
now just put him right behind you
16:47
and remember
16:48
i'll set him up for you and you
16:50
oh pack up all my cares and whoa watch him go i'll miss him so
16:56
bye bye
16:58
quentin
16:59
come on
17:01
you can call me admiral now
17:04
he's on his way
17:05
oh happy day
17:06
quinton
17:07
bye bye
17:09
excuse me sir
17:12
oh mikhail
17:14
oh now wait a minute mikhail
17:15
if you've come to plead for your men
17:16
you can save your tears
17:17
because
17:18
i'm on my way to the officers club
17:20
for a little victory celebration
17:21
oh
17:22
hey
17:23
gonna have a
17:23
a little victory celebration sir
17:26
oh uh captain
17:28
hey your hat's on the deck sir
17:30
oh so
17:31
thank you very much
17:32
thank you very much
17:34
wait a minute
17:34
what am i doing
17:35
i'm the commanding officer here
17:37
you'll pick that up
17:38
that's an order
17:38
yes sir
17:39
here you are
17:40
yes
17:43
well we
17:44
we sure hope you have a
17:45
good time over that night sir
17:47
but my goodness
17:48
you must have the dropsy's tonight sir
17:51
your your tie is on the floor
17:52
too
17:53
oh
17:55
what's going on here
17:58
what's going on
17:59
i know what this is mikhail
18:00
you're here to snoop for evidence
18:02
you're snooping snooping
18:02
you're snooping
18:03
oh no sir
18:04
no sir
18:05
you've got us all wrong
18:06
hasn't you
18:07
no i've got you all right
18:09
i got you dead to rights
18:10
now you get out of here mikhail
18:11
no no no no buts about it
18:13
what are you doing
18:14
i'm just a slow walker i guess
18:17
slow walker
18:17
get out of here
18:18
out out
18:19
yes sir
18:20
you drop something sir
18:23
ouch
18:24
well we'll have one last chance at him
18:32
at the officers club
18:33
hey
18:34
maybe we can get molly to help
18:36
yeah
18:36
maybe i'll get a chance to practice
18:37
you know
18:38
on guard
18:38
all right all right
18:40
all right
18:40
put it away
18:41
come on
18:41
come on let's go
18:42
yahoo
18:44
skul
18:45
skul
18:45
skul
18:46
skul
18:47
oh mikhail
18:48
old pal
18:49
welcome to your own farewell party
18:52
all right captain
18:53
it's nice to see you in such a good mood
18:55
yeah when you drink you're usually mean and ugly
18:57
oh man
18:59
not tonight
19:00
not tonight
19:00
i'm drinking to your funeral
19:02
everybody drink up
19:04
i'm buying
19:04
cheers
19:05
good idea captain
19:06
but how about a dance first
19:07
a dance
19:08
now you're talking molly
19:09
nothing like a little rum
19:10
but a work up a thirst
19:11
huh
19:12
big girl
19:13
don't steal the bar while i'm gone
19:15
oh yeah
19:16
oh yeah
19:17
right quick chuck
19:20
you hide
19:21
and molly will give you the target
19:23
well now you know why they call me twinkle toes
19:46
the rest of you is doing pretty good too
19:48
wait a minute
19:51
wait a minute
19:52
what are you doing
19:53
i'm supposed to be leaving
19:54
heaven's sake sir
19:56
listen i think i blew out a bearing
19:59
now why don't we sit this one out
20:01
oh all right
20:03
uh but admiral
20:11
captain binghamton didn't think you were arriving until morning
20:13
i know i thought i'd better get down here a little ahead of time
20:16
now where is he
20:17
oh well sir he's over at the officers club
20:19
i'll go and get him for you sir
20:20
never mind lieutenant we'll go together
20:22
i want to get this mikhail matter settled once and for all
20:26
drink right up captain drink up
20:30
well there's no sense denying it sir
20:32
you really outsmarted us
20:34
yes sir but you can't say we didn't put up a good fight
20:37
well i'm glad you admitted mikhail
20:41
let's drink your future
20:42
in eleven words
20:44
bartender give this man a drink
20:48
give him something appropriate
20:49
something on the rocks
20:51
that's in hot
20:52
right this way admiral
20:53
ladies gentlemen ladies
20:55
oh
20:57
admiral rogers
20:58
i didn't expect you so soon
21:00
that is obvious
21:01
now what is the meaning of all this revelry
21:03
oh the revelry
21:05
well it's a
21:05
it's a surprise party admiral
21:07
it's uh
21:08
it's lieutenant carpenter's birthday
21:10
it's not my birthday sir
21:11
yes it is congratulations
21:12
never mind delay that
21:14
what is this nonsense about mikhail and his crew
21:17
that's what i'd like to know sir
21:19
you see
21:19
don't you listen to him admiral
21:21
don't you
21:21
i'm glad you're here
21:22
yes i'm glad you're here
21:23
the sooner the better
21:24
i have got the evidence ready and waiting
21:25
you and your weasels are through
21:27
will you control yourself binghamton
21:29
he said i'm a needle
21:32
how did that get you
21:34
that's a disgrace
21:35
put that needle on report
21:37
as you are everybody
21:38
sit down
21:39
we're going to get to the bottom of this
21:41
now what is all this so-called evidence against mikhail and his crew
21:44
oh evidence
21:47
yes evidence
21:48
i uh
21:49
my goodness
21:51
my head feels light
21:52
too many martinis if you ask me
21:55
now speak up binghamton
21:56
i want the truth about everything
21:57
yeah the truth
21:58
yes
21:58
well now the truth is
22:00
i was not drinking martinis
22:02
i was drinking bourbon
22:04
binghamton let's get down to the facts
22:07
oh well before you start uh
22:09
captain
22:09
why don't you tell the admiral
22:11
how much you admire him as an officer sir
22:13
yeah every time he's yelling at us
22:14
he's always telling us about you
22:16
i'd be glad to mikhail
22:18
admiral
22:18
i think you're the dumbest admiral in the u.s navy
22:22
that includes world war one
22:26
now don't you believe him sir
22:28
why you're really his idol
22:29
isn't that right captain
22:31
idol idol
22:32
he's the a number one jerk in the whole command
22:35
binghamton do you know what you're saying
22:38
you don't have the ability to command a boat in the tunnel of love
22:42
well i don't feel too bad admiral you know those things are pretty hard to handle in the dark
22:46
have you lost your mind
22:50
excuse me admiral
22:50
oh dr hall
22:52
something tells me you're just the man i want to see
22:55
forgive me for intruding sir
22:56
but i came back here looking for my medical bag
22:58
and i think
23:00
oh well sir i think the captain can help you out
23:02
yes sir
23:03
help him out that quack
23:04
i wouldn't say
23:05
the only thing i'd help him out of is an eight story window
23:07
binghamton
23:09
belay that you nitwit
23:11
and that's an order
23:12
nitwit
23:13
i'm not a nitwit
23:14
you're the nitwit
23:15
you are not fit to wear those stars on your shoulders
23:18
i should have these on mine
23:21
fine
23:21
you give me
23:22
you're fat
23:23
you're very fat
23:25
oh grab this man he's lost his morals
23:28
i knew there was something wrong with him the last time i saw him
23:31
sir
23:31
come on captain
23:32
now wait a minute you just let go
23:34
you come along binghamton the doctor and i'm gonna have a long talk with you
23:38
now wait a minute you let me go
23:39
how dare you touch the only good honest decent person in this room
23:43
why even a numbskull like you
23:45
i don't know that mikhail is your man
23:46
you're fat
23:47
why captain
23:52
if you're real good you can borrow my butterfly collection
23:54
now there goes a really sick man
23:57
eh quentin
23:58
oh you're so right molly
24:00
would you know
24:01
that's the worst case of tsutsu fever i've ever seen
24:05
oh boy if my bookmaker could see me now
24:13
you know something i'm actually beginning to enjoy this jazz
24:16
as if we had any choice
24:17
yeah there's nothing to do now that we burned all that lovely evidence
24:20
skipper's on foundation red
24:24
marley coming
24:25
have funny look on face
24:27
oh brother
24:27
ah well i'll bet she's coming up here to collect her things
24:30
skipper you better get out of here
24:31
i bet her lips are puckered already
24:33
there she is she is she is she is a moon
24:34
this time it's your turn to run for the hills
24:36
oh you're not kidding me paisan here
24:38
have fun but remember not too much magenta
24:40
sayonara boy sayonara
24:42
there you go
24:43
there you go
24:43
you go
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