- 7 months ago
Letterkenny Season 7 Episode 5 Ws Talk Baby
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TVTranscript
00:00I don't know what, I'm getting a little bit sick of this setup.
00:09When the friend asks for help, you help some good buddies.
00:12Yeah, but we've got people calling from a half dozen townships there, Squirrely B.
00:17Well, if we don't even know half of these nutsacks.
00:19You know, if I know you, Wayne, and I'm 100% sure I would like to get to know you better,
00:25you'd rather be at home doing some toe curling with your little Annie Perryo.
00:29That fucking bucket load of things I'd rather be doing good, buddy.
00:33Game time.
00:34Car!
00:36Cause that's when they play hockey ball.
00:40Fine, game on!
00:52Okay, let's crack an egg.
00:54Strike!
00:55Two!
00:56Yeah, well, welcome to crack an egg and bet you can, so.
01:00McMurray's on the line.
01:02For sake.
01:03Says it's an emergency.
01:05So much for that blacklist.
01:06Wait, am I still on that?
01:07Yeah, McMurray's a piece of shit.
01:09Can I let him through?
01:10You kinda have to now, good buddies.
01:12Okay.
01:13He says that he's here at the studio, but the doors are locked.
01:16Oh!
01:17I can just go let him in myself.
01:19Oh!
01:20I'm coming, blacklist buddy!
01:22Fuck.
01:23Foster.
01:24Hey, when a friend asks you for help.
01:25Get off his dick, Dan.
01:29Wayne!
01:30McMurray, how are you now?
01:32Couldn't you not smack?
01:33Couldn't you?
01:34And I knew who you were.
01:35Bitter patters.
01:36Oh!
01:38I have some life altering news for yous.
01:42Well, we got about a half dozen townships watching, so hope it's not too personal.
01:46Shh!
01:47I, McMurray, have a five-point-one-five-inch penis!
01:57What?
01:58We...
01:59We heard you.
02:00Why is this news that you are telling us?
02:02Because, because.
02:03I spent my entire life thinking that I had a four-point-one-five-inch penis.
02:05So you're essentially fucking with a Snickers bar.
02:06Well, girth is the question, Mark.
02:07What changed?
02:08Did I say that?
02:09I was listening to Howard Stern this morning, and...
02:10That's another thing I miss doing when we're here all the time.
02:11Fuck.
02:12Hit him with the hands!
02:13What?
02:14What?
02:15What?
02:16What?
02:17What?
02:18What?
02:19What?
02:20What?
02:21What?
02:22What?
02:23What?
02:24What?
02:25What?
02:26Oh, I'm sorry.
02:27Hit him with the hands!
02:28Hit him with the hands!
02:29Hit him with the hands.
02:30And I learnt that I have been measuring my penis incorrectly since the time I first measured
02:34it as an adolescent.
02:35How did you fuck that up?
02:36Oh, I'm glad you asked, Katie.
02:37Mm.
02:40I measure my penis every year, once a year, on Boxing Day.
02:45Well, how come it's on Boxing Day?
02:48Because that's when Mrs. McMurray's family leaves, after a week-long stay for the holidays,
02:54us a chance to exchange gifts. Holy fuck. Now I pray to the good Lord Jesus above
03:03every year at Christmas Eve at midnight mass. Please Lord let me wake up. Let this
03:09year be the year that I give Mrs. McMurray a little something extra. And yet every
03:17year on Boxing Day I pull the tape out and four, four, one, five, inches. So you're
03:24essentially fucking with a three-quarter roll up. Curth is still the question mark.
03:28Glenn you have no one to blame but yourself now. I've been measuring my
03:32penis wrong my entire life. How did you manage to fluff that up? As Mrs.
03:38McMurray goes and gets her Christmas lingerie on I lie myself in bed and I get
03:42myself good and hard. Not a little hard. Good and hard. So fully torqued that. Full
03:48bars. Full Snickers bars. Holy fuck. I prop Lil Mac down like so.
03:53And I lay the tape a long time like so. So it's pointing outwards. So uh 90
04:00degrees out like that. Exactly dear. And then I take the tape and I press it
04:05firmly against my pubic bone. And then I lay her down on top of Lil Mac. And? And four
04:13point one five inches. I got some balls advertising that there bud. Balls. Exactly. What the actual fuck are
04:22you talking about McMurray? I learned on Stern today that you are not exposed to
04:27measure from your pubic bone to the tip of your penis on the top side. You are in
04:32fact exposed to measure from your balls to the tip of your penis on the underside.
04:37Are you sure? Well you don't argue with Stern. This, the correct mode of measurement,
04:44gives me one additional inch. And by clinical definition, a 100% average sized penis at 5.15 inches.
05:00I don't think I've ever seen anyone be so excited to be average. I don't think that method of
05:06measurement is accurate. Oh Stern said it. No he didn't say Stern says it. He says he
05:11heard it on Stern's. Hit him with the head. I can Google it. Let's open the phone lines for this.
05:19Open the lines. J.D. Williams from Wallace Township, you're on. McMurray's a piece of shit.
05:26Huh? What kind of kite measuring is that? How do you keep a straight up dime piece like Mrs. McMurray
05:34with that pedestrian effort? You're essentially fucking her with a Twinkie. Good one.
05:41Girth would still be the question. Oh Glenn! Fuck you.
05:45Uh, John Heimiller from Elma Township, you're on.
05:49Ha! Why am I not surprised you can't even figure out how to measure your own dick? You piece of shit.
05:57I am utterly baffled you got a ring on Mrs. McMurray. You should be tried for crimes against humanity.
06:05It's a fucking ambush!
06:06Brent Zurbrake from Howick Township, you're on.
06:11Holy fuck, Murray. Look at you shooting high-stakes snooker with number two pencil there, buddy.
06:17Won't you go ahead and tell your wife I rock eight inches in reality and nine if I measure in your punk-ass way?
06:23Holy fuck, it's my fucking heart. It just breaks for that fucking masterpiece.
06:29My wife is a very satisfied woman.
06:33Gary Hoskins from Lucan Bedolph, you're on.
06:38Your wife has blown my brains out hot, McMurray. I would literally cut off my own arm to fuck her.
06:46I would 127 hours both my arms to fuck your wife.
06:52How about I cut them both off and stick them up your ass, you fucking-
06:56Sal Smith from Huron Kinloss, you're on.
06:59Hey, I was sitting here kind of sad for your wife because maybe she doesn't know any better,
07:04but I'm roofing with my friend Richard who fucked her in high school and he's a fucking Dutchman, so...
07:11I asked her if she remembers Richard Vandenberg, McMurray.
07:14I took her to semi-formal in all three and then took her down in my dad's Oldsmobile.
07:20Patricia Marie Shuley from Georgian Bluffs, you're on.
07:24I fucked McMurray at a buck and doe in Drayton and four inches is a criminal embellishment.
07:31Patty?
07:32McMurray, if you were ten off the tee, I still wouldn't golf with you.
07:37Fucking end it.
07:39I think I might have a wee bit more time for crackin' egg.
07:43Ronnie Schroeder from Woolwich, you're on.
07:48McMurray, get the fuck out of the way with that peasant cock, you fucking novice.
07:54I would hand over one of my kids to suck on those tits.
07:58I've all logged in style at their iPhone and long, yeah!
08:05It's never such penis.
08:07How much?
08:24Enough.
08:25Your grandma died?
08:25My douda died.
08:26Your douda passed and left you with enough money to buy the Eagles?
08:29Should I write her on a fucking dry erase board, or...?
08:32Why do you want to buy the team?
08:34I have cousins coming up in minor hockey and they're starting to get in trouble now.
08:38They always used to watch your team, but now they just don't really give a shit.
08:41And?
08:42And I want to use the money to create a more exciting environment at the games and keep them interested in hockey.
08:48Why?
08:49Because kids in sports stay off the fucking streets? You fucking bug me, dude.
08:54No.
08:56No what?
08:57You cannot buy the Eagles.
08:58I'll go over your head.
09:00Oh, will ya?
09:01Money talks, baby.
09:02We're in first place.
09:03Are you?
09:04So you can't go over my head?
09:05Why?
09:06Because W's talk, baby.
09:08If I put together a team, will you play us?
09:18If you put together a team, will we play you?
09:22Should I write that on the dry erase board, too? You fucking basic?
09:27We're mid-season.
09:29You want me to ice a first place team in a meaningless exhibition game and risk my guys getting hurt for the games that matter?
09:35Do you want me to use the blue marker, the black marker, the red?
09:41Why would I do that?
09:44Because if I win, you let me take over here.
09:47And if I win?
09:49I'll suck your dick.
09:53Balls.
09:56Deal.
09:59Auntie talks, baby.
10:02We'll see about that, Auntie.
10:05What's up, Auntie?
10:13We're going to let her pen in.
10:22What's up?
10:23Solo spin class.
10:24Healthy body, healthy mind.
10:26I love it.
10:28Maximize every single...
10:32second.
10:33I need a coach.
10:36You got one!
10:40Fucking A.
10:41For what?
10:45Resurrecting the letter Kenny Irish.
10:55What?
10:57That team is dog shit.
10:59We're resurrecting the letter Kenny Irish.
11:06I need my star players.
11:09Are you good?
11:11Yeah!
11:12All right!
11:15What if any Irish are back?
11:17Not yet.
11:18We're going to need some finesse.
11:20We'll find you holes.
11:20We'll get you deep.
11:21You know what I think or two about?
11:23Bulging.
11:25Twine.
11:25Daxi.
11:26Romzi.
11:27Danzy.
11:28Never again.
11:29Gotcha.
11:30All right, boys.
11:31You're in.
11:32Now we just need some sandpaper.
11:38Nice!
11:39Joint boy!
11:40You got a sec?
11:41No!
11:42No!
11:42These guys do?
11:46These guys I will do.
11:49Okay.
11:51So the letter Kenny Irish are back?
11:53Not yet.
11:54We got most of the pieces in place, but...
11:57We only got one shot at this.
11:59One chance.
12:00One win.
12:01You know?
12:02Bombing on your mom's spaghetti or whatever that talking singer says.
12:06None of these guys have won a championship.
12:08We got to find some people that know how to win.
12:12Where do we find them?
12:14At the gym.
12:16Well, we were just there!
12:19They weren't there when we were there!
12:23We were here the whole time.
12:25Really?
12:26And we're in ski.
12:27So do Popinski.
12:28Can't wait to get back out there, Betty Ann.
12:30In far too long, Mary Ann.
12:32You won't be playing.
12:33Huh?
12:34Huh?
12:34Huh?
12:35You'll be coaching.
12:36Huh?
12:37Huh?
12:37Hold up.
12:38How come they can't play?
12:40No.
12:43Just fucking around.
12:44Same.
12:45Absolutely in for telling men how to do shit.
12:48Absolutely in for telling men how to win shit.
12:51Phew.
12:52I thought we were going to have one of those conversations, you know, where women can do anything men can do.
12:59So stupid.
13:03That isn't a conversation.
13:05Women can do anything men can do.
13:07Women can do it better.
13:09Uh, no.
13:11No?
13:11No.
13:12No?
13:13No.
13:14No?
13:14No.
13:15No.
13:16No.
13:17No.
13:17No.
13:18No?
13:19No.
13:20So you're saying men are superior to women?
13:22Yeah.
13:23Yeah?
13:23Yeah.
13:24Yeah?
13:25Yeah.
13:25Yeah?
13:26Yeah.
13:26Yeah?
13:27Yeah?
13:27Yeah.
13:28Yeah?
13:28Yeah?
13:29Yeah?
13:29Yeah?
13:30Yeah!
13:31Explain.
13:35No.
13:36You come on.
13:38Come on.
13:39You come on.
13:40Come on.
13:40You come on.
13:41Guys, come on!
13:43You come on!
13:44They're 120 pounds, soaking wet, full stomachs, pockets full of loonies and toonies.
13:50So?
13:51So senior hockey players, men, are up to 220 pounds more.
13:57So?
13:57That's 100 pounds more.
14:00So?
14:01So they could get killed out there.
14:03You will get killed out there.
14:06You will die.
14:07I think that's something to think about.
14:08I think, huh?
14:10Do you have good relationships with your mom?
14:12Yeah.
14:12No.
14:13Well, you better pick up the phone and call her, because you're dead.
14:16Because you want to play a game with men who are bigger and faster than you.
14:22And faster.
14:24Yeah.
14:24Yeah.
14:25Yeah.
14:25Yeah.
14:26Yeah.
14:27Yeah!
14:29Look, I watched the Olympic Games.
14:33All the events.
14:34All of them.
14:35Every.
14:36Thing.
14:37All one.
14:39All right?
14:39When the Olympic Games are on, all the events, every one, every single one, the men's speed's
14:49results in times, eclipse the women's speed's results in times, every time.
14:56Play us.
14:57In what?
14:58Hockey.
14:59Your team folded.
15:01Girls are still around.
15:02Girls would love this.
15:04If you win, we'll coach with you.
15:06You're playing them.
15:08Got the boys jelling.
15:09I want to test drive an idea I have for the res game.
15:11Okay.
15:13No contact.
15:16I know.
15:17I want our guys getting hurt out there.
15:20Yeah.
15:20The guys.
15:22All right.
15:23Let's do this.
15:24You're going down.
15:26Oh my God.
15:27I'm so scared.
15:29Good.
15:32Your spots are going to snap.
15:37You're going to have a feeding tube.
15:41You're going to have a feeding tube.
16:11That's what you are.
16:13But I have to go back to-
16:14Vancouver, right?
16:15Yeah.
16:16For-
16:17Pitbull rescue still?
16:18Yeah.
16:19You're a good fucking gal, Rosie.
16:22I need a favor.
16:25Oh!
16:29Come here.
16:31Oh, who's a good boy?
16:35Who is this?
16:39That's Zeke.
16:40Leah Pitt.
16:41Pits are banned in the province.
16:43I know.
16:43What should be banned is idiots breeding them and then selling them to other idiots.
16:49You're a good fucking guy, Wayne.
16:51How'd you get him in?
16:52There isn't a vet in the province who backs breed-specific legislation.
16:57They'll put anything on his papers you ask him to.
16:59So if anyone asks, he's a-
17:01Teacup Yorkie.
17:02Oh, is that what he is?
17:04Kidding.
17:05American Bulldog.
17:06That's what he is.
17:07That's what he is.
17:08I need you to hold on to him for a couple days.
17:13Okay.
17:14His sister has been lethargic since he left, so I'm going back for her.
17:18And then what?
17:20Then I'm back.
17:24I'll call you in a couple days.
17:26Okay.
17:27All right, hold up.
17:42Especially yous, too.
17:43Just stay like that for me.
17:45Mm-mm.
17:46Okay.
17:47You guys are going to need to get miked before your sweaters go on.
17:50Miked?
17:50Why?
18:02Just, you don't talk, okay?
18:04It's just better for me.
18:06Huh?
18:06Same for you.
18:09Panas?
18:09Huh?
18:10Um, may we speak?
18:14Sure.
18:15Why do we need mics?
18:16All right, so you know those videos on YouTube of all the NHL players when they're all miked
18:21out?
18:21You mean miked up.
18:23Yeah, whatever.
18:24So my cousins fucking love those videos, and they watch them over and over and over again,
18:29so I want to provide for them a pro-level in-game experience.
18:36So for this afternoon's dress rehearsal, yous are all going to be miked out.
18:42Miked up.
18:44Fuck you.
18:44All right, kids.
18:46Natives?
18:47Phasers set to stun up there, or what?
18:50Uh, Stuart hasn't picked a song yet, but he-
18:53Phasers set to stun, Tansy.
18:56Tansy?
18:57If this becomes a thing, I swear to Christ, I will-
18:59Buck up music.
19:00A critical factor in creating a team's identity.
19:03The Vancouver Canucks have Where the Streets Have No Name.
19:05You too.
19:06Anaheim Ducks have Bro Him.
19:07Pennywise!
19:08Buffalo Sabres have Let Me Clear My Throat.
19:10DJ Cool!
19:11And the letter can the Irish have?
19:13No!
19:13Mmm, a floor burner, Hutch and Tucker?
19:17Might I suggest, a boogie.
19:25He's ready?
19:26Well, we're missing a few guys, boys.
19:28Who?
19:29The Barts?
19:30The Barts?
19:31Yorkie?
19:32Schultzy?
19:33Visky?
19:34Boontown?
19:35We're not missing anyone, all right?
19:36Fuck those guys.
19:37I don't want to talk about them right now.
19:39No.
19:40I don't want to talk about them.
19:41I don't want to talk about them.
19:42I don't want to talk about them.
19:43Not.
19:44Oh, yes.
19:45No!
19:47Will you two just man up and make out?
19:50I started an office pool for it, and the day I picked is tomorrow.
19:54Get tugging, titchfuckers.
19:56Fuck you, Shorzy.
19:57Fuck you, Jonesy.
19:59Your mom pulled the goalie on me, and now she's preggle.
20:02Surprise, son, go rake the fucking yard.
20:04Fuck you, Shorzy.
20:06Fuck you, Riley.
20:07I slipped one past your mom, too.
20:09Her preggle farts smell like hot dog water.
20:13Fuck you, Shorzy.
20:15Fuck you, Jonesy.
20:16Your mom's in her first trimester and already bitching about baby brain.
20:20Had to tell her she's been dumber than Riley's mom since the genesis.
20:24Fuck you, Shorzy.
20:26Fuck you, Riley.
20:27I talked to your mom and do a three-way with our midwife,
20:30and she gassed us both out of the room.
20:32I'm fucking humiliated.
20:34Fuck you, Shorzy.
20:36Fuck you, Jonesy.
20:37Your mom wants to name the baby after the place it was conceived.
20:40Can't wait to meet Martha's Vineyard, Shor.
20:43Fuck you, Shorzy.
20:45Fuck you, Riley.
20:46Your mom wants the same thing.
20:48How do I shorten down Handicap Bathroom at Cheesecake Factory in Boca Raton?
20:54Fuck!
20:54Fuck!
20:58All right, starting up front.
21:00Riley, you ready?
21:01I'm ready.
21:01Good, because you're going.
21:02Jonesy, you ready?
21:03I'm ready.
21:04Good, because you're going.
21:05Shorzy, you ready?
21:07Good, because you're going.
21:09All right.
21:10Lurk and the Irish are back.
21:12Not yet.
21:13This still could get fucking embarrassing.
21:18Skids, you ready?
21:19Ready!
21:20We are not ready.
21:21Uh...
21:22They're coming out.
21:23Press play.
21:24I don't have a song yet.
21:25What's in the CD player?
21:27Susan Naglucor?
21:29Oh, shit.
21:30Figure skaters must have had the ice before.
21:32That is sexist.
21:34I can't work like this.
21:37Press play.
21:38If I'm you, I'm listening to the lady.
21:41I can't work like this.
22:11Mario Arena for this afternoon's matinee game between the Ladderkenny Irish and the Ladderkenny
22:19Shamrock Head.
22:21Don't forget to buy your Fiddy Fiddy tickets.
22:25I'd say this afternoon's grand total could reach $100.
22:29$100.
22:29$100.
22:30$200.
22:30$200.
22:30$200.
22:31$200.
22:31$200.
22:32$200.
22:33$200.
22:33$200.
22:34$300.
22:34$300.
22:35$300.
22:35$300.
22:35$300.
22:36$300.
22:37$300.
22:37$400.
22:38$400.
22:39$400.
22:39$400.
22:39$400.
22:40$400.
22:41$400.
22:41$400.
22:42$400.
22:42Camera dude set up.
22:43Affirmative.
22:44Affirmative.
22:45What is this?
22:46A Starship fucking Enterprise?
22:47Time.
22:48Wish.
22:48Me too, I wish.
22:50Good.
22:51Mic's on?
22:52Affirm.
22:53Tori?
22:54Fine.
22:54Engage.
22:55Flip on the monitor.
22:56Engaging monitor.
22:57Nice fucking birdcage.
23:01At the end of the day, what are you really protecting?
23:05Fuck you, shortcake.
23:06Perfect.
23:07Got it working.
23:08What do we got, bro?
23:09Let's get this fucking over with, bro.
23:11Preacher.
23:12What do we got, bro?
23:13Let's get this fucking over with, bro.
23:16Preacher.
23:17What do we got, bro?
23:18Let's get this fucking over with, bro?
23:19Let's get this fucking over with, bro.
23:22Thank you for competitive men's hockey, eh?
23:26Which women's hockey likes?
23:27Same thing as less competitive, bro?
23:29What?
23:30First tuck of the campaign, boys, fucking get involved.
24:00Hey, you look like that broad from the Hunger Games.
24:23I'm going to call you Cuteness Everdeen.
24:26You like edamame?
24:27Cuteness Everdeen.
24:34You're straight like a fucking girl, bird kid.
24:53I am one.
24:54No, you're not.
24:57Are you really?
24:59Holy fuck.
25:01It came like a wave.
25:05It came crashing over me.
25:08It came like a wave.
25:09It came like a wave.
25:11It came like a wave.
25:13It came like a wave.
25:14It came crashing over me.
25:18It came like a wave.
25:19It came like a wave.
25:21It came crashing over me.
25:25It came like a wave.
25:26It came like a wave.
25:32It came crashing over me.
25:33It came like a wave.
25:34It came crashing over me.
25:35It came like a wave.
25:36It came like a wave.
25:37It came crashing over me.
25:38It came like a wave.
25:39It came like a wave.
25:40It came like a wave.
25:41It came like a wave.
25:42If I can swim away, it can't like a wave, no one can lead me but me, if I can stand I can run away, run away.
26:03Good shit cuteness.
26:07We should change our Facebook status, it's complicated.
26:12Look what the cat racked in.
26:22Well it's better than what the cat coughed up.
26:25Who's that Bronco Buster?
26:28Well that's Zeke.
26:30Zeke's having a row in the hay.
26:32Well that's barley.
26:34Can we keep them?
26:36A gal I used to date brought him over asking for some help with him, temporarily.
26:43Is she pushing up?
26:45No.
26:46Would I like her?
26:47Yeah.
26:48When a friend asks for help, you help him.
26:50Is he sleeping with us?
26:53Puppies should be crate trained.
26:55They go in the crate every time you leave the house or go to sleep.
26:58No exceptions.
26:59Well, he may be the only one getting some sleep tonight.
27:03Pitter powder.
27:09Who's a good boy?
27:11You guys get fully changed in between periods?
27:21Well, why do women have to be so different?
27:24We concede.
27:25Oh, don't be bear biscuits.
27:29We're not.
27:30I've seen bear biscuits and what I'm seeing is a lot of bitter biscuitry.
27:36Sometimes you get speed begged.
27:38Happens in hockey.
27:39Okay, look.
27:42Women can do anything men can do.
27:45Shut the fuck up.
27:46We're in.
27:47In what?
27:48To coach, idiot.
27:50Ice time's expensive, let's use it for practice.
27:52Set up the PK, get the pee pee going.
27:54Get jerseys sorted through the line.
27:56Come on.
28:03What are you smiling about?
28:05Letter Kenny Irish, you're back.
28:24Feel the linemen.
28:26Strike the party.
28:28And that is life tomorrow.
28:33I'll be the next guy.
28:34I will be my own grave.
28:35I don't need any help.
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