- 5/8/2025
Letterkenny Season 7 Episode 3 Nut
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh, I hear something.
00:09Looks like Professor Tresha was exposed to speak at a woman's conference in Santa Barbera's tomorrow.
00:15I'm pretty sure that's not how you pronounce Santa Barbara, Daniel.
00:19I think you're thinking of Hanna-Barbera.
00:21That's a studio that produced the animated series Yogi Bear, the Flintstones and the Jetsons.
00:27Josie and the Pussycats could get it.
00:30I always wanted to be a powderpuff girl.
00:33Anywho's, looks like Professor Tresha was exposed to speech at a woman's conference in Santa's Barbera's tomorrow's, but she didn't get on her flights.
00:43She hammered?
00:44No, it turns out that they routinely oversell flights to anticipate and cancellation, so if you don't check in 24 hours before your flights takes off, you're at risk of losing your seats.
00:54To who?
00:54Some other nutsack.
00:56She has some upsets, keeps tweetings about it.
01:00Ugh, okay, Professor Tresha.
01:02We get it.
01:03You're white.
01:04My call this time?
01:05Well, there's nothing more white to complain about than your airline experience.
01:10Is to...
01:11What?
01:13Uber.
01:14All right, everybody.
01:15That's Tom.
01:15Let's put on a great show.
01:17Three, two, three.
01:32Take it.
01:34Well, welcome to Kraken Ag, and bet you can't.
01:38Derry, you better tuck that bottom lip in before a bird comes by and poops on it.
01:44He looks like you're in a bad way.
01:46I'm in a bad way.
01:48Yeah, Derry, I was going to say, you look like you're in a bad way over there, but the whole
01:52point of this is to focus on other people's problems so that we got time for our own.
01:57So?
01:58So it's a bit counterproductive if we spend this time working on your problems.
02:03So?
02:03So suck it up, buttercup.
02:06Don't slow up production, Derry.
02:08Well, I'm in a real bad way.
02:10What's the frequencies, Kenneth?
02:13I...
02:13Never mind.
02:15Oh, get fucking real.
02:17You had it teed up so fucking nicely, bud.
02:20It's just...
02:22No.
02:23Okay, are you coming or are you going?
02:26I had a road rage incident.
02:29Did you beat the shits out of someone's?
02:32I didn't do anything.
02:33Airball.
02:35I was handcuffed.
02:37Letrales?
02:38Figuratively.
02:39Okay, that is much better than letrales.
02:42Depends on who you're talking to, big shooter.
02:45The fellow thought I cut him off, which I did not.
02:48So he pulls up beside me, rolls down his window, and he says to me...
02:51Ben, this is the part that handcuffed you?
02:53Well, yeah, this is the part that handcuffed me.
02:56He rolls down his window, and he says...
02:58Okay, here goes.
03:01Suck my Johnson.
03:02He said...
03:03Hmm.
03:05Suck my Johnson's.
03:08Yeah, that's what he said.
03:09He said, suck my Johnson.
03:12And that handcuffed just...
03:15Gagged and bound.
03:18Why?
03:19All right, well, when is the last time any of you have ever heard somebody tell you to suck
03:26my Johnson?
03:271998.
03:28Or even use the word Johnson in replace of, I don't know, horn.
03:32Or knob.
03:33Or dick.
03:34Ding dong.
03:35And the dandy waited for a comeback.
03:37Just stared at me with his mouth wide open.
03:41And I balked.
03:42Sounds to me more like you balk my cock.
03:44Because you're a chicken.
03:46Well, Derry, sounds like you were too busy hitting your head on the low-hanging fruit to
03:50pluck it then, eh?
03:52Huh?
03:53Well, your pecs are bigger Johnsons.
03:55Bingo.
03:56Well, it's bigger Johnsons.
03:58No.
03:59It's who's a bigger Johnson.
04:01Well, who's bigger Johnson?
04:03So he says, well, suck my Johnson.
04:07You say, suck my magic Johnson.
04:12That's a bigger Johnson.
04:13That's one-upsmanship.
04:14Bought and paid for.
04:16John's son of a bitch.
04:18Suck my Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
04:21Yeah, much bigger Johnson.
04:23Suck my Randy Johnson.
04:25Oh, bonus points for that one, too, because Randy Johnson's nickname was the big units.
04:29Ooh, suck my Jack Johnson.
04:31Which ones?
04:33I'm sorry.
04:34There's more than one?
04:35Yeah, there's the guitar players or the hockey players.
04:38Both at once.
04:40I mean, I don't know.
04:41What are we talking about?
04:42Well, you know what?
04:42Let's just forget about that one anyways, because it's, uh, Derry.
04:47Okay, suck my Aaron Taylor Johnson.
04:51From the movies Godzilla's.
04:52Now that's a big Johnson's.
04:54Suck my Howard Johnson.
04:56Giant hotel chain.
04:57Massive Johnson's.
04:59Suck my Johnson and Johnson.
05:01Billion-dollar conglomerate.
05:03Ample Johnson's.
05:04Suck my Johnsonville Brats.
05:07Best beer brats outside the ballpark, bud.
05:09That's a damn good Johnson's.
05:11Have they been to Newfoundland lately?
05:13Woo!
05:14Suck my St. Johnson.
05:16That one works for New Brunswick's, too.
05:18Yeah, you could be sucking on a couple of St. Johnson's.
05:20Oh, oh.
05:21All right, listen to this one.
05:22Suck my Sean Lennon.
05:26Why Sean Lennon's?
05:28Because he's John's son.
05:31Boo!
05:33Suck my Lyndon Baines Johnson.
05:36Oh, LBJ's was obsessed with his horn, and it's rumored to have had a huge one.
05:40LBJ?
05:41Yeah, that's very inside baseball, Daniel.
05:44I believe Randy Johnson's had the inside baseball.
05:48Dale!
05:49In any event, follow up with one of those, and he'll be froze dick hard.
05:55Okay, we've got a caller.
05:57And he goes by the name of...
05:59Suck my Johnson.
06:03What's him?
06:05How dare you run to your fruity TV show telling tales out of school?
06:10That's fucking gutless.
06:12Well, you got your tools packed for this job site.
06:15Let him have it.
06:16Suck my Jack Johnson.
06:28Oh, which one?
06:30Airball.
06:46Oh, come on, white boy.
06:48Goddamn.
06:49You burn that nut before I nut.
06:52Oh, Goddamn.
06:53Hold on that nut, boy.
06:55Oh, yeah.
06:56Stretch me out, big boy.
06:58I'm a nut.
06:59Shit.
07:00Oh, shit.
07:02Oh, shit.
07:04Oh, that's it, white boy.
07:05You give me the goodest nut.
07:08And now you gonna give me that butt nut.
07:11Oh, come on, white boy.
07:12Goddamn.
07:13Oh, give me that blue nut, white nut.
07:16You give me that big boy nut.
07:19Oh, shit.
07:20I'm a nut again.
07:24You know what, boys?
07:27I think this may be it.
07:28What?
07:30Chicken nut.
07:31Chicken nut.
07:32It's pitch fucking black before Hockey Night in Canada even starts.
07:36Winter coming.
07:38Walmart coming.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Well, I think she's time to put away the wife beaters and get out the block heaters.
07:45Time to put away your swimsuits and get out your snow boots.
07:49Time to put away the hoses and prepare for the runny noses.
07:53Less parks, more parkas.
07:56Less legs, more flakes.
07:58You are white, boy.
08:01Hmm?
08:02You look like you've seen a ghost.
08:04I've seen things.
08:08Penny free of thoughts?
08:10They don't make pennies anymore, did you know that?
08:13If you stick a penny up your ass and it comes out green, it means you're sick.
08:17Did you know that?
08:18I know that if you're sticking a penny up your ass, you're already sick, Derry.
08:23Everybody knows that.
08:28What did you see, Dan?
08:32I'm not sure I'm comfortable discussing that in this sentence.
08:39Oh, come on, Dan.
08:40Nut up.
08:42Such a penny.
08:44Where did you see it?
08:48A website.
08:50It's porn.
08:50How did you know that it was porn, is all I said?
08:54What are we talking here?
08:55Cream pie?
08:56Hentai?
08:56Guy on guy.
08:57I'm uncomfortable.
08:59Come on, Dan.
09:00We're all friends here.
09:01That's a stretch.
09:04Don't.
09:05Say.
09:06Stretch.
09:07Now, shall we agree to check the box, henceforth agreeing to the terms and conditions of this discussion?
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:15Then, begin.
09:20Well?
09:30Fucking Christ.
09:31Tick tock.
09:36There was a man's.
09:40And a woman's.
09:43Rhys?
09:43I think this is one of those things you're supposed to take slow and steady.
09:50I can't.
09:51No.
09:56Do we just watch it?
09:59Yeah.
10:00Hey, boys.
10:09Hey.
10:11Mia.
10:12Mia.
10:13Sophia.
10:14Sophia.
10:15Mia Sophia.
10:16Mia so...
10:18Horny?
10:19Good one.
10:20Haven't heard it before.
10:22Aw.
10:22Mia's so sorry.
10:24Watch for this PC, buddy.
10:26How's the team looking at this year, boys?
10:28Well, the Irish folded last season, so...
10:31We're not on a team.
10:32So you're not hockey players?
10:35Well, technically...
10:37Not at the moment.
10:39Why?
10:40Girls love hockey players, boys.
10:44Babe.
10:45Oh, Snipe.
10:48Oh, Bonnie McMurray.
10:52What's up?
10:53You good?
10:54Meh.
10:55You serious?
10:56Meh.
10:57You serious?
10:58Meh.
10:59She's serious, dog.
11:01She's serious.
11:03Why just meh?
11:05My little brother's playing junior out west this year.
11:07Are you Cersei Lannister?
11:09He left this morning.
11:10Well, maybe he'll have a sick bill of brother to take him under his wing or something.
11:14Maybe he'll have a sweet-pilled sister to take him down.
11:18Yeah.
11:19I'm not worried.
11:20No.
11:21He'll be fine.
11:22Yeah?
11:22Girls love hockey players, boys.
11:25Point of proof.
11:30Do you miss it, buddy?
11:33The game?
11:34I miss it, bro.
11:35Do you miss it, buddy?
11:37I miss it, bro.
11:38You miss it, buddy?
11:40I miss it, bro.
11:41Oh, my God, white boy, God damn.
11:55Will you give me the epicest nut?
11:57Will you be eating that pineapple, white boy?
12:00God damn.
12:02I'm gonna taste the tutiest, fruitiest nut.
12:04I've seen that one.
12:12Same, Stur.
12:13Me too.
12:15Yeah, I've seen her in a bunch of things.
12:16I've seen a bunch of things in her.
12:19Wait.
12:20I'm not obligated to disclose that information.
12:23Did you nut?
12:24Who?
12:24White boy.
12:26Kale.
12:27He nutted.
12:29Righteous.
12:30Stur.
12:30I feels exposed.
12:33What's kind of a curious word?
12:35Nut.
12:36Fur.
12:38Chiz.
12:38Penis colada.
12:39White gold.
12:40Go on skeet, nard, nectar.
12:43Groin gravy.
12:44Porn syrup.
12:45You know, I get a kick out of how she attaches food to the nut.
12:48Yeah, like that's what the dude giving her the nut just ate.
12:53And that's what his nut tastes like.
12:56It's like, come on, white boy.
12:59Give me some of that brown butter pumpkin yucky nut.
13:04Yeah, come on.
13:05Give me some of that garlic soy baby bok choy nut.
13:09Oh, yeah, give me some of that chocolate peanut butter corn pie nut.
13:15Oh, yeah, give me some of that cinnamon dunk-a-roo's nut.
13:19Oh, yeah, give me some of that spicy yunagi nigiri nut with the epic deliciousness.
13:28Goddamn, boy.
13:29I ain't never had a nut, so help it.
13:33Give me some of that intense dill pickled Dorito nut.
13:37Give me some of that gluten-free artisanal brie nut.
13:41Give me some of that pappadov pork vindaloo nut.
13:47Give me some of that scallion spinach spanakopita nut.
13:52Give me some of that nut with the freshest ingredients.
13:56Yeah, safe to say everyone gets a kick out of it, Dan.
14:00I just feel compromised.
14:03Well, you shouldn't.
14:04Yeah, Dan, everyone watches porn.
14:06Yeah, Dan, everyone watches porn, right, Wayne?
14:10Not gonna bite.
14:11That's kind of like a birthright there, good buddy.
14:17What's you guys watch?
14:18What do you miss about it most, buddy?
14:27The game?
14:28The game.
14:29Babes.
14:30What do you miss most about it?
14:31Snipes.
14:33Tyson.
14:34Rockets.
14:35Joint Boy.
14:36Brogs.
14:38Okay.
14:40What do you miss second most about it?
14:42Going cheese.
14:43Going cheddar cheese.
14:44Going top cheddar cheese.
14:45Going Chuck E. Cheese.
14:46Yeah, you miss going Cheesecake Factory?
14:48Love me some Monterey Jack.
14:50Love going Smoked Buddha.
14:51Love me some fresh truffle base Swiss.
14:54Love going Seven Herb Probiotic Probalone.
14:57Who doesn't love ripping Baby Bell?
14:58You should be ripping some nice, stinky limber.
15:01You should be ripping kosher, artisan, parmesan.
15:03You should be ripping peak, ripe goat brie.
15:06You should be ripping acid-cut feta.
15:08You should be ripping melted-down Kraft singles.
15:11We should be ripping some pasty, close-curred, creamy, amaranth.
15:15We should be ripping runny, French raw milk queso.
15:19We should be ripping extra-strong oxidized Alpine Asiago.
15:22We should be ripping barnyard-y gorgonzola.
15:26You guys talking about what I think you're talking about?
15:29Agreed.
15:30We should be ripping briny, bloomy, surface-ripened, silky-rind, butterfat-blended,
15:37bulking, sheenie, animal welfare approved.
15:41Mmm.
15:43Mmm.
15:45Mmm.
15:46Mmm.
15:47Yo, daddy.
15:49Daddy, oh!
15:52Daddy, oh!
15:53Daddy, oh!
15:55It's fucking weird, Darry.
15:56You're fucking weird, Darry.
15:58How is that any more weird than,
16:00Ooh, yeah, give me some of that Denny's Grand Slam
16:05with extra sausage links, nut!
16:10She keeps calling him daddy?
16:12No, she isn't.
16:14She's calling him daddy.
16:16No, she isn't.
16:17She's calling him daddy.
16:19And it's fucking weird, Darry,
16:20because you're fucking weird, Darry.
16:22It's dad porn.
16:23This porn is so dad,
16:24it came home on lunch break to play Goldeneye.
16:27This porn is so dad,
16:28it's in the driveway checking my tire pressure.
16:31This porn is so dad,
16:33it farted and then asked who sat on the deck.
16:36This porn is so dad,
16:38Jill Walsh gets a pass
16:39because he wrote Funk 49.
16:42This porn is so dad,
16:43it's got a subscription to Golfers Digest.
16:46But I ask again,
16:47how is it any more weird than,
16:49Ooh, yeah,
16:51give me some of that Chuck Hughes
16:53extra spicy jerk crab nut?
16:59This porn is so dad,
17:00it took him a matinees
17:01while mom was out shopping,
17:03but it's fucking weird, Darry,
17:04and you're fucking weird, Darry.
17:06Dan, it's not actually her dad,
17:09you little pervert.
17:11It isn't?
17:13No.
17:14It's just,
17:15I don't know,
17:15it's something girls say in porno sometimes.
17:18Similar to how dudes call girls mommy.
17:20Oh, yeah, puppy?
17:22Are you my daddy?
17:24You're gonna call me Big Dill.
17:26Oi, puppy.
17:28Come on, mommy.
17:30Ooh.
17:30Gee.
17:31Hi, my daddy.
17:32It's fucking me.
17:33Yeah.
17:34Wait!
17:36I got one.
17:38Wanna see it?
17:39What else do you miss, boys?
17:46Love racking Genos.
17:47Love racking Tux.
17:49But racking apples past the Stats.
17:51Gotta pad the Statskies.
17:52The legend of Johnny Appleseed.
17:54Racking Fiona Apples.
17:55Racking Christina Applegates.
17:57Racking Apple Fritters.
17:58Racking up a Macintosh.
18:00Rack up a Golden Delicious.
18:01Rack up a Cortland.
18:03Racking up a Granny Smith.
18:04Mmm, sauce me a Gala.
18:06Sauce you a Fuji.
18:07I'll sauce you an Empire.
18:09I'll sauce you a Joan of Gold.
18:10Love the sauce, boys.
18:12I'll sauce you a Hollandaise.
18:14Sauce me a salad dressing.
18:15I'll sauce you a Mushroom Gravy.
18:16I'll sauce you me a Palt and Ragu.
18:18I'll sauce you a Bernays Bolognese.
18:21I'll sauce you a Chimichurri Sriracha Salsa.
18:23Ooh, nice Tokatsu sauce.
18:26Pecan, boys.
18:27Give me it right now.
18:28Riley, you don't want to single anyone out here, but the flow is suffering.
18:32I'll just toss that sal in the crisper, bro.
18:34Gotta get that romaine flowin'.
18:35I gotta get that kale goin'.
18:37Shake out the arugula.
18:38Let's see that green leaf lettuce of old.
18:41You know I like those leaves, buddy.
18:43Must be fuckin' nice.
18:45Boys, you know what I might miss the most, though?
18:48Taking the piss out of schmelts.
18:50Love giving rookies the gears.
18:52Like, that schmelt?
18:54What are we watching?
19:06Some of that good fucking...
19:08Ow!
19:09Ow!
19:11That was the fakest porn scream I've ever heard.
19:16What was fake about it?
19:17You could put that scream next to Tarzan in the jungle and you wouldn't know the difference.
19:22Yeah, I would.
19:23It sounded like she was being tortured.
19:26Never had one like that?
19:28I'm not obligated to disclose that information.
19:31Thank you, Giller.
19:32No one has.
19:33Never had a horn that big, then?
19:36Don't answer that.
19:37I mean, Stuart's that big.
19:38No!
19:39Stuart.
19:40Okay, let's get real here.
19:42It's not that big.
19:45Is it?
19:46It is.
19:47Whoa.
19:48Well, Stuart, there was that one time where he got an erection.
19:51It was so big and so long that he actually passed out for several hours.
19:56What's up, Skid?
19:57I'm gonna go cold rocks of hot piss.
19:59And I heard gay climax like that several times.
20:05My gay sex is none of anyone's business.
20:09Your gay sex?
20:10Fine.
20:12Gay sex filled me up inside, okay?
20:15Does it?
20:16Yes.
20:17After gay sex, there is no other sex.
20:20Are you happy?
20:21The gay sex was different than all the other sex you'd had, then?
20:25Gay sex is the best of all sex.
20:28And I miss it.
20:29Would you go as far as to say gay sex was kind of your own personal awakening?
20:34Gay sex made me feel something deep.
20:39Deep inside of me.
20:41There, I said it.
20:44It's as though my whole life was meaningless before I discovered gay sex.
20:47Are you satisfied?
20:48Stuart.
20:48Gay sex made me feel pride.
20:51Gay sex made me feel like He-Man.
20:55Must you torture me with these reflections?
20:58Ever since she left, all I think about is gay sex.
21:04I dream about it.
21:05Life altering, then, eh?
21:07Earth shattering.
21:09Earth shattering gay sex?
21:11You know, Stuart, just because this gay got away doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of other gays out there.
21:19Almost certainly.
21:20Find yourself a gay?
21:21And you'll know what I mean.
21:24Okay.
21:26Stuart.
21:27Won't.
21:29Are you done talking about sex with your ex-girlfriend?
21:33Who happens to be named gay?
21:36I don't even know anymore.
21:37Because we've watched a lot of porn today.
21:41But we haven't watched any gay porn.
21:45So I was thinking maybe...
21:47All for you living your best life, bud.
21:50All for you taste in the rainbow, bud, but...
21:53All for you living your life largely, but...
21:56Want to watch a movie?
21:58Okay.
21:58You want to play a game of crib?
22:01Okay.
22:05Stuart?
22:07All of this gay sex talk.
22:10I'm defeated.
22:12Rips?
22:15Absolutely.
22:16I'll see you in your big fucking dick later.
22:20What's up, schmelt?
22:22What's up, fizzy?
22:23Boys.
22:23Wait, you're on a team this year?
22:25Yeah.
22:26Got picked up by a senior triple-A team in the city after the Irish folded.
22:30You?
22:31How the fuck are you on a team and we're not?
22:34I don't know.
22:35You may want to get on that, though, because...
22:38Girls love hockey players, boys.
22:45Point and proof.
22:47Shins up.
22:48I'll buy you a beer.
22:50Oh, Bonnie McMurray.
23:01Feelin' a little better about what turns you on after hours, big fella.
23:08I am, Gaylor.
23:09I realize that what we watch in our me's time is no one's business but our own's and not to be degreed upon by everybody's.
23:16No place for the state and the bedrooms of the nation.
23:20Trudeau?
23:21True that.
23:23To each his or her own, cowboy.
23:25Want to get that nut?
23:33What, boy?
23:35Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:40Oh, yeah.
23:46Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow.
23:52Oh, yeah.
23:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:57Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:25Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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