- 9 months ago
Letterkenny Season 7 Episode 1 Crack N Ag
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TVTranscript
00:00Those are cat farts.
00:07Oh, there's one knocking.
00:19Guess what?
00:20Chicken butt.
00:26What is your guys fascination with farts?
00:30Fuck!
00:35Fuck!
00:39Sorry.
00:41Fuck!
01:00Fuck!
01:01Fuck!
01:02Fuck!
01:03Fuck!
01:05Fuck!
01:06Fuck!
01:07Fuck!
01:09Fuck!
01:10Glenn came by the produce stand wanting some plants today.
01:21Is that his way of asking for weed?
01:23There's no way Glenn smokes a sublime ragtime.
01:27That's kind of hard to imagine a man with a cloth smoking a devil's dart.
01:30I don't smoke weed anymore.
01:32Or any less.
01:33What do you want?
01:34Azaleas.
01:35I got a friend Kayla sells azaleas.
01:37Westphalia azaleas.
01:39Could she mail you an azalea?
01:40Well I told him that azaleas grow wild down by the river on the azalea banks.
01:45You'd always go down the side road and get them on the honor system at the end of the laneway of the Meninapher's house.
01:50Yeah, this is Dutch knapper Iggy. He's got them.
01:52Oh, that's right. Iggy azaleas.
01:55Yep, used to have a shop in St. Jenkins too. Named it after his son Brandon.
01:59That's right. Brandon Flowers.
02:02What did Glenn want azaleas for?
02:03It says he got a part-time gig managing the Letterkenny cable access TV studio.
02:08Well, he wants to do some decorating.
02:10Does anyone even use that?
02:12I seem to remember a dude named Jono. Had himself the visions.
02:17You're gonna want to nuke that, big brother.
02:20It's late for a fucking steak night.
02:22Nukes of steaks?
02:23He's burnt a beef, no less.
02:25Gordon Ramsay had fucking spit.
02:27He's a good guy.
02:28He's a real good guy.
02:29He's a great guy, but he's a hair guy.
02:32What's a hair guy?
02:34Oh, a guy with hair, likely.
02:36A guy who spends too much time on his hair.
02:39Oh, yeah.
02:40Ramsay's a hair guy.
02:41Look, Ramsay cooks a great steak, great quill, stews and what have you.
02:46It's like you want to like him and everything, but every time you look at him,
02:49all you can think about is him biebering into the mirror,
02:52fucking with his hair to make it stand up like that.
02:54And he'd be like, this is fucking rotten!
03:02Pull your finger out your ass.
03:04You say the food's great, people love it, I am shitting myself, you fucking twat!
03:14No, I am not here to tell you not to put raw onions in a fucking French onion soup!
03:21You fucking use this villain!
03:24Well, choosing your hairstyle's complicated.
03:30No, it isn't.
03:31It isn't.
03:32You get it wet, then you let it dry.
03:35So first he comes in late for suppers,
03:36and now we gotta listen to you slagging of true culinary artisans.
03:40Sorry I'm late for supper.
03:42Yeah, why were you late?
03:43Too much choring to do.
03:45No more than any other year last time I checked.
03:48Bird of beef, no less.
03:49It's because every farmer with an acreage or an operation inside two townships
03:53is calling me for advice on this or help with that, fuck it.
03:57Like who?
03:58McMurray calls me not once, not twice, but thrice a day.
04:03And McMurray's a piece of shit.
04:05You know, when a friend asks for help, you help him.
04:08Why don't you tell him you're busy?
04:09When a friend asks for help, you help him.
04:13Good buddy.
04:14Squirrely Dan.
04:15Glenn came by earlier looking for azaleas.
04:18I'll tell him to go Iggy azaleas.
04:19Or azalea banks.
04:20Is Brandon Flowers still open?
04:23He was looking for flowers to decorate the letter candy cable access TV studios.
04:27You're better to go Iggy azaleas for interiors.
04:29You should start yourself up an agricultural consultant show.
04:33You know, people can call you up.
04:34You devotes an hour a week to taking calls,
04:37helping people out with their problems.
04:38And then you got it licked and you have the rest of the week to do your own charms.
04:42Yeah, we could help you out good, buddy.
04:44Well, how would you get the word out?
04:46Oh, you'd put it on your fucking Facebook.
04:48Fuck Facebook.
04:49Wanna what?
04:52Yeah, all right.
04:55McMurray's a piece of shit.
04:59I am as God made me.
05:02Yeah, your shirt's too small is all I'm saying.
05:04Present lice.
05:05So, I heard yous are starting your own agricultural consultant show
05:10because apparently I call yous too much.
05:14She say that?
05:15Add some smirk emojis.
05:18Well, I'll have yous know that I McMurray
05:22am the most resilient farmer inside of two townships
05:25and I'm going to prove it by starting my own call-in show.
05:29Well, time's a bit tight here, so maybe you just do it after hours.
05:33It's already gonna.
05:35Whew.
05:36Not exactly the Deanie Petty show in here, is it?
05:39Yeah, Glenn, your studio's a bit of a holler.
05:42Okay, it's one thing when I say it, but I don't love it when you say it.
05:45It beats the Franks D'Angelo shows.
05:47Nothing beats John-o-vision.
05:49They're borrowing him.
05:51Wayne, you are looking cuter than a little beaver pup today.
05:56Beaver pup's called Kits.
05:57McMurray, why don't you go back to the green room
06:00so I can let Wayne here get processed through hair and makeup.
06:03Pass.
06:04I'll just take some little bits of rouge
06:06to add some contours to my cheekbones.
06:08And wardrobe.
06:09I'm already in it.
06:10But your friend Derry showed up in his barn clothes.
06:16Heavens God made me.
06:17Yes.
06:18I, McMurray, shall wait in the green room like a professional.
06:23McMurray, also, I think you might need a little bit of wardrobe processing, too,
06:27but I don't care what happened, but your shirt shrunk.
06:30You know what?
06:30It's distracting me.
06:31Pop it right off.
06:37Oh!
06:38Why don't you just hang around after your show to watch my show
06:42to see how a real pro does a call-in show?
06:44Why don't you say show again?
06:46Hope you packed some showmanship.
06:48Wayne.
06:48Atta boy.
06:49Now, Wayne, admittedly, I do not know a whole heck of a lot about a call-in show,
06:54but it strikes me that it is complicated.
06:57No, it isn't.
06:58It isn't?
06:59People call in with their questions, and then you answer them.
07:03Ooh.
07:04Stripped down.
07:05Bare bones.
07:07I like it.
07:08Speaking of stripping and bones, why don't you pop that shirt right off?
07:10Katie, can you help us screen callers for nut sacks?
07:13It's a Texas size 10-4.
07:16Ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:20Screening your callers, huh, Wayne?
07:23Why don't you just hang around after your show
07:25to see how a real professional respects his audience?
07:29All right, McMurray, less talk and more poppin' that shirt off.
07:31Go away.
07:32Can't work under these conditions.
07:41Boop, boop!
07:42Can't really screen for nut sacks that they're already in the studio.
07:48Heckelodeon!
07:49Huh?
07:49But the title!
07:50We saw on Facebook that you're making an agricultural call-in show,
07:53and we thought...
07:54Heckelodeon.
07:58Fuck out of here.
08:02Hello?
08:04Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.
08:08They need music.
08:10Like a theme song.
08:10Why do yous care?
08:13We are in the platinum age of television.
08:15I must subscribe.
08:18Hello?
08:20Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.
08:21Films are already fuego.
08:22Fire-filled!
08:24We need something bold.
08:25Something that sonically insists we are serious.
08:29A new astral plane of euphoric bliss.
08:31And then scribble down some cat-tap with some unlicensed samples.
08:35White labels!
08:36Why don't we just dig out our Lilith Fair CDs and calm the crowd with a vintage set of ecto-folk.
08:43Giant step through fat pants and rip into some Midwestern fidget juice.
08:48Frick!
08:49Why don't we just beat-juggle some laptop as new Jack Swing?
08:56Wang!
08:57The camera hates plat.
08:58She also has 10 pounds.
09:00Aren't you sassy, Miss Camera?
09:02She's a bit of a cow.
09:03Can we smoke in here?
09:04No.
09:05Okay, I've got a shirtless Mr. McMurray in the green room who has agreed, very generously,
09:11to let you wear his Mr. Clean Style white t-shirt.
09:15Now, may I also recommend that you try on this Mr. Clean Style gold hoop earring.
09:21Five minutes!
09:22Oh, God.
09:23Oh, no, no.
09:23This is going to work.
09:24We don't have time for any of it.
09:26Okay, I need to go take some stills of Mr. McMurray.
09:29I say still, but it may move.
09:34I'll add you to the queue.
09:42Here comes a rumble of Tampa Bay booty trends.
09:45New school anthem acid breaks.
09:48If you beat-juggle two-step, you get four-step, which blends perfectly in a sped-up mank baggy B-size.
09:53Get an ankle to a set of expat real funk.
09:56Can-con 40% rule.
09:58Let's go panoramic Labrador tough core.
10:01Oh, Miss Katie, I am loving this look for you.
10:05You're all like, hello, operator.
10:07I'd like to make a person-to-person phone call, please.
10:10Transatlantic to my sister in Chicago.
10:12We're so worried about a husband we haven't heard from since the Battle of the Bulge.
10:16Thank you, Glenn.
10:17You're welcome.
10:18I'll add you to the queue.
10:23Paradise garage air, 12-inch extended mixes of spoken word historical speeches.
10:28Jump up liquid Rotterdam and then rip into some hot horn for a sweaty sax break.
10:33Oh, restoratica!
10:35Atmospheric?
10:36Rotter and lounge.
10:37Fuck gastro house.
10:39I'll add you to the queue.
10:40I get a rash from harsh metals on my skin, so can I just hold this on the outside?
10:44No!
10:45Hello?
10:48Now, you'd never be that soft on air, eh?
10:52Andre, hit plus gastro.
10:54Hello?
10:55Step in a straight-edge progressive tribal cold wave.
10:58Do you just take the reins off the hops and we'll jump in when you need this?
11:01Good buddies.
11:01You got a good buddy.
11:02Adding you to the queue.
11:04Hello?
11:05C-86 new energy go-a-garage.
11:07Ramadan symphonic so-a-spremo.
11:08Katie!
11:10One minute.
11:10Cut my shirt back, please!
11:13And my fucking pants, too!
11:17Preacher!
11:19Hello?
11:20Gospel-inspired power pop sci-fi?
11:23Trombone, B-sci-co, hardstyle bangers?
11:25Adding you to the queue.
11:26African-atelo, Cape Pops, J-Tac Minimal Gloom Core!
11:29Katie!
11:30Glenn, you're very good at this job.
11:32Oh, well, thank you.
11:33I actually have a degree in management.
11:35What kind?
11:36Micro!
11:37Time!
11:37Uh, ten seconds.
11:39Spot on set!
11:41Raise the bell!
11:44No sous-sake acapella?
11:46No birth-cousin-dell funk!
11:47Shh!
11:49All right.
11:50In three, two...
11:52You all right?
12:11Uh, likely means we can go.
12:17All right.
12:18Right on.
12:20Um, all the shows called, uh, Kraken Ag, and, um...
12:26Ag?
12:26Spelt A-G?
12:28Yeah, like agriculture.
12:30And that's what we decided to call the show.
12:33That's what we decided to call the call-in show.
12:36So...
12:37Please can call us in with your questions, and we will help you if we can.
12:43But, uh, before we get started, uh, I just want to, uh, thank my sister Katie here.
12:50You know, she's in a booth in the back there, and, uh, you know, she's going to take your calls.
12:57She's going to help us take your calls so we can help yous.
13:00So...
13:00Yeah, I'd just like to thank a few people as well.
13:04No, no.
13:04Before we start...
13:05No, we're going to do the rest of the thank yous at the end of the show.
13:08Yeah, we'll probably thank a bunch of people at the end of the show, but we'll just be thanking people all the show.
13:13Now we'll get to the end of the roll.
13:16Um...
13:16Is that it for me?
13:28Let's take a call.
13:29What's that?
13:30Uh, uh, we're going to take a call now.
13:35Stop.
13:36All right.
13:38Turn off your fudging phones!
13:41That's embarrassing.
13:43We have Brett Nickel on the line.
13:47Is he really?
13:48Yeah.
13:51Well, can he hear us?
13:52I can hear you.
13:54I know.
13:57Brett's key.
13:58You don't need to yell.
13:59He can hear you.
14:00Just fine.
14:01How you doing?
14:03How you doing?
14:05You still there?
14:07Yep.
14:08Right on.
14:11Brett's key.
14:12How are you now?
14:13Oh, good and you?
14:14Not too bad.
14:15How you doing?
14:18Say, did I hear you're coaching this year, or...?
14:21That's the plan.
14:22That's all right.
14:23Where's Blake or playing?
14:25Looking like Ripley.
14:27Oh.
14:27Hey, Ripley's after a minute.
14:30I hear they loaded up.
14:32Yeah.
14:33So is, uh, Teddy heading back up north, or...?
14:36No, no, we all be in Guelph.
14:37Brianna's there, so...
14:39Yeah, Brianna's been there for a couple of years now.
14:41That's right.
14:42That's cool.
14:42What's Mack doing?
14:44Matt's repping now.
14:45Is he really?
14:46Yep.
14:48How you doing?
14:50Uh, well...
14:50Uh, Brett's key, the show's called Crack and Egg, and...
14:57Well, I bet you can't, so...
14:58Thanks.
15:00You bet.
15:03How can we help you?
15:04Well, chainsaws aren't going through shit.
15:07How big?
15:08Guide bar?
15:09No, your horn.
15:13Yeah, guide bar's 18 inch.
15:15A little slow guy, then.
15:17Yeah.
15:18Well, how long you had it?
15:20Two seasons.
15:22Where are you takesin' it to get sharpened?
15:25I sharpened it myself.
15:27What, do you never take it in for that?
15:29Nope.
15:30Oh, I mean...
15:32I don't know, I might take it in for a new chain altogether.
15:35If he takes it in, you should bring your axe, too,
15:38because they'll sharpen that up for ten bucks.
15:40Yeah, nine, ten bucks.
15:41Yeah, you know, like, you know, nine plus tax, about ten bucks.
15:44That's how they get you on the sign that says, nine bucks.
15:47Oh, yeah.
15:48Then, that's how they get you coming.
15:49Nine bucks bearing ten bucks.
15:51Coming and going, you know?
15:53You know?
15:53I don't like change, so just ten bucks.
15:58Thought I was maybe sharpening it wrong.
16:02I dare beg to tell you this.
16:04No.
16:05Crear Sawyer wouldn't even have that mastered.
16:08No.
16:08No.
16:09Oh, no.
16:09No, no.
16:10Oh, yeah, he'd be the first one to tell you that, too.
16:14You ever hear about Sawyer's fatigue?
16:16No.
16:17Well, that's a real thing, so, you know, stay alert.
16:25Well, I don't know.
16:27Sounds like you should take it in, Bratsky.
16:30That's what I'll do.
16:32Right on.
16:34Tell, uh, tell Pete and Marianne we said hi.
16:37Will do.
16:38Okay.
16:40But all right.
16:41Talk to you.
16:41We have Matt Merkley on the phone.
16:50Is he really?
16:51Yeah.
16:54Merkley!
16:54Tip of the dong, the teeth, the tits, tip of the dong, the teeth, the tits, tip of the dong, the howl, the howl, the howl, the howl, the howl, the howl.
17:08Patch them in, preacher!
17:11Okay.
17:14Welcome, caller.
17:15You've joined an agri-cult
17:19Hey, first time long time over here
17:22Well, that's just not possible, but okay
17:25Hey, McMurray, you still farming chickens, eh?
17:29Oh, chicken breed by day, chicken dance by night
17:33So let me ask you, you ever fuck Mrs. McMurray and the chicken coop?
17:37Huh?
17:38Because I'll tell you, that's the first place I'd be fucking your wife
17:41Oh my lord
17:43I will slap the yellow off of your teeth into your belly, you son-bitch
17:48Hang up, preacher
17:49Next call
17:51I love the show, McMurray
17:53It's really pulled me out of some dark places along the way
17:56What?
17:57Well, you've joined an agri-cult
18:01Yeah, I get a question about husbandry
18:04You've come to the right place
18:06We raise animals for meat, milk, eggs
18:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no
18:12I meant you as a husband
18:13Why the fuck would Mrs. McMurray marry a piece of shit like you?
18:18She's an 11 out of 10
18:20But that decision downgrades her to an even dime
18:23Fuck you
18:24I will find out where you are, you son-bitch
18:28Hang up, preacher
18:29Next caller
18:32I'd like to remind the callers at home that this is an agricultural show
18:38Please keep the questions ag-related
18:42Thank you
18:43Welcome, caller
18:45You've joined an agri-cult
18:49Hey, McMurray, what's the best way to connect a three-point hitch?
18:53When connecting your trailer to your tractor with a classic three-point hitch
18:57No, no, I was actually wondering how you think the best way to get your wife and balls hot and sister into a hot sweaty three-way would be
19:04I'm talking about some real hot fuck action
19:06Fuck
19:08Oh, no
19:09That's right, I'm fucking blonde dick style
19:12Fuck
19:12Fuck
19:13Fuck
19:14Hang up, preacher
19:16Okay
19:16Fuck you, fuck yous
19:20Next
19:21Fucking caller
19:22Hey, McMurray, just jerking off to your wife right now
19:26If you could help me cross the finish line
19:28How does your wife orgasm?
19:30Is it like a high-pitched squeal?
19:31Or is it more like a low groan?
19:33Thanks, buddy
19:34I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig in a palsy traction
19:39El Camino
19:40I'm just stuck
19:42Hands off, Biggie, this alien
19:44Fuck
19:53That
19:55Shit
19:56Fuck, and I'm kind of looking forward to the next one
19:58That was a good time today
19:59Why, it's a real good time
20:00It was a great time
20:02I should say good buddies
20:03Now, are you sure you won't reconsider the theme song?
20:06I've got rare, a big beat Christmas crunk record store day only 7-inch from Disco's
20:11Do you mean Disco G's?
20:14I think we're sorted
20:15How about new age abstract gangsta big band
20:19And new school old wave downbeat rockaboo?
20:22Shut the fuck off
20:23So you enjoying your engagement party there, good buddy?
20:27Looks more like a stomp burn to me, good buddy
20:29Well, we're all here because you's got some gage
20:32Well, I'm here because we got a big fuck off stump to burn
20:35More to that, buddy
20:38He's not your buddy
20:39Well, seeing as marriage is complicated
20:43No, it isn't
20:43It isn't
20:44You decide you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone
20:47And then you do it
20:49Well, what I think he's trying to say is
20:51You can only smash one woman for the rest of your life
20:55Hence the decision to make her his wife
20:57For life
20:58It's a super important concern, bro
21:00Thanks, bro
21:01But my question was more along the lines of
21:05Could we not try and smash babes that you've already smashed?
21:13Because, I mean, we know the code, bro
21:14He's not your bro
21:16Oh, yeah, if you don't want to talk code, we know it, boys
21:18Yeah, name one person who knows the code better than us
21:22Yeah, go ahead, I'll wait
21:24Why don't you say code again, bud?
21:26More like Pearl Jam's no code
21:28Oh, boy
21:29What's bro code?
21:31The bro code is you never smash a bro's girlfriend
21:35Or ex-girlfriend
21:37That's only bro code-ish
21:40And I think that's it
21:42Yeah, that's it
21:43Don't make any sense
21:45But seeing as you've now hung them up permanently
21:48I would falander with Tannis so fast
21:50Couldn't wheel Tannis, you pylon
21:52Buddy, you couldn't wheel a fucking tire down a hill
21:55You haven't seen his dick, sir
21:57Neither have you
21:58You'll just have to take that up with Tannis
22:01So, what about the...
22:04Angie who?
22:06Sick, buddy
22:07I'd love to smash her
22:08Sick, boys
22:09See if she wants to smash right after this
22:12Yeah
22:12So I guess that leaves...
22:15Rosie
22:16Rosie O'Donnell was on Howard Stern the other day
22:20And she's a damn good interview
22:21Well, everybody's good on Stern
22:23Couldn't help but catch a bit of the combo
22:26Just because you're married
22:28Doesn't mean you can't smash a whole bunch of people
22:32I can confirm
22:34How about an engagement party?
22:37Merci
22:37It's more like a stumper to me
22:39Big brother, we're all here for your engagement
22:42Well, I'm here because we got a...
22:44Big fuck-up stumper in Oliza
22:47Oh, yeah?
22:50You like puppers?
22:51Yeah, I like puppers
22:52You like Gusenbrew?
22:53Well, I like Gusenbrew
22:54Well, let's raise a glass
22:57To Marie, Fred, and Wayne
23:02Settling down, as they say
23:05Drop an anchor
23:07Without a doubting it
23:08It's a lifeboa suction, buddy
23:10Sending over backwards, boys
23:12Ignoring statistics
23:13Coming to what?
23:15You must consummate the marriage
23:18Hear, hear
23:19Oh, oh no
23:22Am I late for the engagement party?
23:25It's a stumper
23:26You must
23:28Constable make the marriage
23:30Yeah, we covered that
23:31Well, thanks for coming, everybody
23:33Let's get fucking average
23:35I brought a little bit of aviation fuel for the occasion
23:46We throw some aviation fuel on the cocksucker
23:49Fuck, I'm surprised to not putting aviation fuel on the cocksucker right now
23:53Let's get fucking reckless, boys
23:57Let's put gasoline on the fire
24:00You know that girl was mine
24:02Well, don't do
24:05Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:07Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:10Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:11We both can bring
24:16Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:17Once a bunny tried
24:21Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:23We were hot and free
24:25Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:27And then the black man flow
24:38I left you waiting on the road
24:42I know that you were too young
24:46You know why I'm in your way
24:51You've got yourself a girl
24:58You've been lonely in this world
25:06You know, you know
25:16You know, you know
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