00:00Hello. Hi. It's really nice to have you here. I'm really grateful to be here. It's
00:04just the kind of environment I always dreamed of. Exactly, exactly. This is not
00:08what I can do every day. No, it's not even what I can. I mean I can't do this
00:12every day. Yeah, I can barely do it right now.
00:30What I like about the look you're going for is that like I feel like there's
00:34this glamour in like when you look at like a Tennessee Williams play where
00:38like the woman who has psychological illness is always like in a fur laid out
00:41on a chaise. Whereas in reality a woman with mental illness or a woman struggling
00:46with her psychological well-being is often like in sweats and like a t-shirt
00:50that used to belong to her dad that's like covered in food bins. And so I like
00:53the idea of like almost like fetishizing and making glamorous all
00:59that experience because I just feel like the last 20 years of my life would
01:05have been so much better if every time I was having a panic attack or like an
01:08episode of serious dissociative anxiety I had been in like a house a beautiful
01:11house coat and like curlers and not like a shirt that had a picture of my old pet
01:17rabbit and like someone else's underpants. Yes, well underpants are a huge issue for me
01:24like managing that in my life and it's like I've come to accept it as just even
01:28part of a healthy life for me like it's not just a sign of the depression it's
01:31like it's like I never have them I don't do laundry okay I mean and I don't have
01:35someone else do it either. Yeah. I buy new packs or order them from Amazon Prime.
01:40I get it. In under an hour. They come. I pay the extra even though it would come in three
01:44hours.
01:48I've always been anxious but I haven't been the kind of anxious that makes you like run
01:5110 miles a day and like like make a lot of calls on your Blackberry. I'm the kind of
01:54anxious that makes you be like I'm not going to be able to come out tonight tomorrow night
01:57or maybe for the next 67 nights. To shut down and like rock. Yeah and rock. My image
02:04whenever something really bad happens or even not that bad just stressful is I
02:09imagine going home and face planting into a bath mat. Doesn't that sound nice?
02:13Of course. That's one of the best places to hang out. Yeah. That's how I start my day basically.
02:21Feast planting in the bath mat. Every day to get out of bed okay the bargain I make to get
02:26out of
02:27bed is not to start the day. That's obviously way too big you know what I mean or it doesn't
02:31sound good. Nothing sounds good. Welcome in the day you know that kind of thing. No. No. So instead I
02:36want to go from the dark the darkness and the warmth and the okay of sleep and I go
02:40all right what I'm going to recreate that somewhere else. So I go to the bathroom
02:45shower and faucet okay hot as possible lights off then I get the coffee okay bring
02:53it in close the door then the cats come in they like knock at the door. That's so nice. Okay
02:57I let
02:57them in with a little cold air and okay. Yeah. It's dark my eyes are closed okay and I'm
03:01getting coffee in. The only difference is that I'm seated I guess right. And you're hot
03:08there's steam going in the bathroom. Yes yes because there's a coldness to the
03:11morning even if it's not cold there's like. Yeah of course. The depression will
03:15sort of chill. There's something about being really close to discomfort and
03:19lightly shielded from it that's almost better than being way far away from even
03:23discomfort. In order to fall asleep I have to do some coziness visualization. Yes. I have a big one
03:31which like I'm not proud of which is that like that I've gone to do this is like like I
03:36just need
03:37when this is edited it has to include that I understand the amount of like self-glorification
03:42delusion about how the world works etc that's involved in this. Absolutely. But like I have this
03:48one where like I've gone to a kind of dangerous country to like educate people on like birth control
03:54or something. Yes okay. And I'm kidnapped because they don't believe in what I'm teaching and I'm
03:59kidnapped with two of my friends or something and then once I'm kidnapped I have to be I'm kidnapped
04:06and I want to save us and so I trick the guy who's kidnapping us into like letting me um
04:12like I'm like
04:13I need to go to the bathroom and they like walk me out and to an outhouse and I run
04:16away and get
04:18someone who helps come save my friends and then um like they did for um Lisa Ling's sister Bill
04:25Clinton and Hillary Clinton come on a plane to get us. Oh my god. And then they're like you were
04:29so brave
04:30you should rest before you get back to the U.S. That backstory sets up the joy of the plane.
04:35The joy of the
04:36plane ride. You need that you see this is where Bill and Hillary Clinton are both safely at the front
04:41just
04:41like reading the newspaper being like we're so glad the girls are safe. Oh my god you're just like quiet
04:44like
04:44you've been quietly talking. Yeah. Like just like they're keeping it down for you. Yeah like just
04:49like respectfully and like. Yeah they're like we can't imagine how tired you are. Oh my god they're
04:54like we wouldn't dream of bothering you. This is the more adult. Do you want some soup? Yeah this is
04:57more
04:58adult version of my old fantasy that somebody would tell me to sleep for 24 hours and wake me up
05:02only to force me to bowl of pasta. Oh I think what we're talking about here is a feeling that
05:08we desperately want to be cozy and that coziness isn't of like there's not enough in real life
05:13to contain us. Yes I always want to be like metaphorically and you know in a restaurant
05:17like up against the wall. Yeah like against an edge. Sometimes I wonder if people who have like
05:24real crippling like clinical anxiety. Yeah. Are like like of course some of them have illogical
05:29worries but sometimes I wonder if they're like more tuned like I always felt like I was like more
05:32tuned in like I thought about dying all the time and everyone would be like don't think about that
05:36I'd be like but why shouldn't I think about that because we're all gonna die so in a way what
05:40you're classifying as obsessive clinical disease is me recognizing what's actually going on.
05:45Absolutely. And you like just like happily flitting around like you're Bambi. Yes a huge value I think
05:51in my family and I think you know like you were saying in yours is this thing that was hammered
05:56into
05:57me which was you know there's no danger in your thoughts. It's all that happens is is you know your
06:04actions and and if you get freaked out about your thoughts that's you know an anxiety cycle and I've
06:11always felt that it's sort of us widening the border you know into these far reaches go to the
06:16darkest place possible and kind of set up the fence really far so that when you're depressed those kinds
06:22of thoughts you're thinking are are so close to home you haven't even ventured anywhere near the edges
06:28of your property. Yeah. And that's a great comfort. It's really cozy. I remember once hearing Elizabeth
06:34Gilbert be like the reason that I like antidepressants is because like you can get
06:38really depressed but not really depressed. Oh my god yes. And I was like that's great it's like the
06:44difference between like falling that falling down on the ground and falling out the bottom of the earth.
