00:00Hello. Hi. It's really nice to have you here. I'm really grateful to be here. It's
00:04just the kind of environment I always dreamed of. Exactly, exactly. This is not
00:08what I can do every day. No, it's not even what I can. I mean I can't do this
00:12every day. Yeah, I can barely do it right now.
00:30Here's what I like about the look you're going for is that like I feel like there's
00:34this glamour in like when you look at like a Tennessee Williams play
00:38where like the woman who has psychological illness is always like in a fur laid out on a chaise
00:42whereas in reality a woman with mental illness or
00:46a woman struggling with her psychological well-being is often like in sweats and like a t-shirt
00:50that used to belong to her dad that's like covered in food bits. Oh, thank you. And so I like
00:53the idea of
00:54like almost like fetishizing and making glamorous
00:59all that experience. Exactly. Because I just feel like the last
01:0320 years of my life would have been so much better if every time I was having a panic attack
01:07or like an episode of serious dissociative anxiety I had been in like a house a beautiful house coat
01:12and like curlers and not like a shirt that had a picture of my old pet rabbit and like
01:19someone else's underpants. Yes. Well underpants are a huge issue for me like managing that in my life
01:26and it's like I've come to accept it as just even part of a healthy life for me. Like it's
01:29not just a sign of the depression
01:31it's like it's like I never have them I don't do laundry okay I mean and I don't have someone
01:35else do it either
01:36Yeah. I buy new packs or order them from Amazon Prime. I get it.
01:41In under an hour. They come. I pay the extra even though it would come in three hours.
01:48I've always been anxious but I haven't been the kind of anxious that makes you like run 10 miles a
01:52day and like
01:52like make a lot of calls on your Blackberry. I'm the kind of anxious that makes you be like
01:55I'm not going to be able to come out tonight tomorrow night or maybe for the next 67 nights
01:59to shut down and like
02:01Yeah and rock. My image whenever something really bad happens
02:06or even not that bad just stressful is I imagine going home and face planting into a bath mat
02:12Doesn't that sound nice?
02:14That's one of the best places to hang out. That's how I start my day basically
02:21Face planting in the bath mat?
02:22Every day to get out of bed okay the bargain I make to get out of bed is not to
02:27start the day
02:28That's obviously way too big you know what I mean or it doesn't sound good. Nothing sounds good
02:33Welcome in the day you know that kind of thing?
02:35No. So instead I want to go from the darkness and the warmth and the okay of sleep and I
02:40go
02:40all right what I'm going to recreate that somewhere else. So I go to the bathroom shower and faucet
02:47okay hot as possible lights off then I get the coffee okay bring it in close the door then the
02:54cats come in they like knock at the door so I let him in with a little cold air and
02:58Okay yeah it's dark my eyes are closed okay and I'm getting coffee in the only difference is that
03:06I'm seated I guess right and you're hot there's steam going in the yes yes because there's a coldness
03:11to the morning even if it's not cold there's yeah of course the depression more chill there's something
03:16about being really close to discomfort and lightly shielded from it that's almost better than being
03:22way far away from even discomfort
03:26In order to fall asleep I have to do some coziness visualization like I have a big one which like
03:31I'm
03:31not proud of which is that like that I've gone to do this is like like I just need when
03:38this is
03:38edited it has to include that I understand the amount of like self-glorification delusion about
03:43how the world works etc that's involved in this but like I have this one where like I've gone to
03:50a kind of dangerous country to like educate people on like birth control or something yes okay and I'm
03:56kidnapped because they don't believe in what I'm teaching and I'm kidnapped with two of my friends
04:01or something and then once I'm kidnapped I have to be I'm kidnapped and I want to save us and
04:09so I
04:09trick the guy who's kidnapping us into like letting me um like I'm like I need to go to the
04:13bathroom and
04:14they like walk me out and to an outhouse and I run away and get someone who helps come save
04:19my
04:19friends and then um like they did for um Lisa Ling's sister Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton
04:26come on a plane to get us oh my god and then they're like you were so brave you should
04:30rest
04:31before you get back to the U.S. that backstory sets up the joy of the joy of the plane
04:36ride you need
04:37that you see this is where Bill and Hillary Clinton are both safely at the front just like reading the
04:41newspaper being like we're so glad the girls are safe oh my god you're just like quiet like even
04:44quietly talking yeah like just like they're keeping it down for you yeah like just like
04:49respectfully and like yeah they're like we can't imagine how tired you are oh my god they're like
04:54we wouldn't dream of this is the more adult do you want some soup yeah this is more adult version
04:58of my
04:58old fantasy that somebody would tell me to sleep for 24 hours and wake me up only to force me
05:02to
05:03bowl of pasta oh I think what we're talking about here is a feeling that we desperately want to be
05:09cozy
05:09and that coziness isn't of like there's not enough in real life to contain us yes I always want to
05:15be
05:15like metaphorically and you know in a restaurant like up against the wall yeah like against an edge
05:22sometimes I wonder if people who have like real crippling like clinical anxiety yeah
05:26are like like of course some of them have illogical worries but sometimes I wonder if they're like more
05:31tuned like I always felt like I was like more tuned in like I thought about dying all the time
05:35and
05:35everyone would be like don't think about that I'd be like but why shouldn't I think about that because
05:38we're all going to die so in a way what you're classifying as obsessive clinical disease is me
05:43recognizing what's actually going on absolutely and you like just like happily flitting around like
05:49you're Bambi yes a huge value I think in my family and I think you know like you were saying
05:54in yours
05:54is this thing that was hammered into me which was you know there's no danger in in your thoughts it's
06:02all that happens is is you know your actions and and if you get freaked out about your thoughts that's
06:07you know an anxiety cycle and I I've always felt that it's sort of us widening the border you know
06:15into these far reaches go to the darkest place possible and kind of set up the fence really far
06:20so that when you're depressed those kinds of thoughts you're thinking are are so close to home
06:25you haven't even ventured anywhere near the edges of your property yeah and that's a great comfort it's
06:31really cozy I remember once hearing Elizabeth Gilbert be like the reason that I like antidepressants is
06:37because like you can get really depressed but not really depressed my god yes and I was like that's
06:43great it's like the difference between like falling that falling down on the ground and falling out the
06:47bottom of the earth
