00:00Julie, hi.
00:01Hi.
00:02It's really nice to have you here.
00:03It's nice to be here.
00:04I have experiences with depression.
00:08Do you?
00:09Yes.
00:10Yes.
00:11Very much so.
00:11I've never asked you about it, ever.
00:13I don't think.
00:14I mean, we've barely talked.
00:16No, we've had interactions, but never anything that went down to the, like, so, you know,
00:20where's the lowest you've been?
00:21Yes.
00:22It's interesting, because I feel like usually that's where I like to start.
00:41Is sleeping big for you?
00:43I'm a great sleeper.
00:44I'm a great eater.
00:45Me too.
00:46Those are two things that, if they're disrupted, like, that's not, yeah, things are bad.
00:52I was never one of those doesn't eat when depressed.
00:55I can't even with those people.
00:56I know.
00:57It's like, that really annoys me.
00:58That's what I would do to have both on the same coin.
01:00You know what I mean?
01:02It would be like, it would balance out.
01:03Yes.
01:04It'd be like, well, depression in my life, but I look better than ever.
01:07But a damn whisk.
01:07Yeah.
01:07Oh, please.
01:08No, fuck you.
01:08I hate that.
01:09Oh, my God.
01:09I hate people that lose weight when they're depressed.
01:11They're like my number one.
01:12I know you're not supposed to hate anybody because of their bodies these days, but, like, I still
01:16do.
01:17And it's never, and it's only if they're, like, it's only if they're thin.
01:20So.
01:21Yeah.
01:21That's just my burden.
01:22And that's a burden, and that's their burden, I think.
01:29You take meds?
01:30Mm-hmm.
01:31When do you go off, and how do you decide?
01:33Oh, when I'm really happy, and it's usually, like, when I'm at the beginning of a relationship.
01:38And you're like, I don't need this?
01:39Yeah.
01:39And I don't want the side effects?
01:41Yeah.
01:41Or just, I just don't need it.
01:42I don't need it.
01:43Yeah.
01:43And why beyond?
01:44Things you don't need.
01:45Yeah.
01:46And then you dip, and you realize?
01:50Um, yeah.
01:52And then most of my, like, mental health stuff in the past two and a half years has been around,
01:58like, a breakup that I had.
02:00So that really changed my life.
02:01I was with a guy for about five years, and then we broke up, and it really felt like a
02:05divorce of some kind.
02:06So I really, my life changed a lot, and I needed, you know, a lot of support.
02:11Yeah.
02:12I sometimes wrestle with all the discussion around meds, and, like, get really sort of
02:18annoyed when someone's talking about the drug companies, or whatever.
02:22Yeah.
02:22And Scientologists, or, I assume, like me, you have a lot of Scientologist friends.
02:26Yeah.
02:27I mean, I'm kind of, like, just in that world.
02:29When you get to a certain threshold.
02:30You have to be.
02:30In the business.
02:31You just have to.
02:32You're going to accept it.
02:33Yeah.
02:36Do you notice, okay, I'm thinking these kinds of thoughts when I'm depressed.
02:39These are some of the, like, I find, like, the language, certain sentences literally just,
02:44like, appear when I'm depressed.
02:46Like, um, I'm broken is a big one.
02:49I mean, worthless is big, I think.
02:51Do you have, like, that kind of clear internal language, or is it just more?
02:54For me, depression is more of a mental, uh, treadmill of, like, of being solutionless,
03:01of being, like.
03:02Yeah.
03:02Um, you know, I, I very much have, like, a problem-solving oriented brain.
03:09So, when I really get depressed, the, the, the, it's less about I'm worthless, or I'm
03:15broken, than it is about, I don't know.
03:17I don't know.
03:18I don't have the solution, and maybe there isn't one.
03:20Yes.
03:21Like, my friend who, when she was in a hideous depression, like, will tell me, you know,
03:25that she doesn't deserve human life, or whatever.
03:27And it's like, what are some of the reasons, like, what are some things you're thinking?
03:30And it's like, she once said, like, that her DVD collection, like, was not good.
03:35You know?
03:36And it was just like, that was really, like, it really felt real.
03:39You know?
03:40Like, it really felt like, which.
03:41A failure.
03:42Yeah, yeah.
03:43Which I, I, you know.
03:44Yeah, I can look at my own DVDs.
03:45I can look at my own DVDs.
03:45When I can't find, like, a remote controller, I'm like, my setup is shitty.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Like, why don't I have a better setup?
03:51It's a sign.
03:55I feel like, like, suicidal ideation, like, should be a part of life.
04:00Like, it's weird that it's not.
04:01What do you mean ideation?
04:02Like, entertaining the possibility?
04:04Yeah, I mean, I, I feel like that's like the clinical, like, what they say when they're
04:07like, is there suicidal ideation happening?
04:09Have you been thinking about harming yourself?
04:10Yeah, and it's.
04:11Have you been thinking about stuff, like, you don't want to live anymore?
04:14Yeah, I would feel like I don't want to be conscious, but I'm not going to kill myself.
04:17I just, I, I really, like, and that's always made me feel ashamed, like, as a, like, someone
04:22claiming, like, serious depression.
04:23Really?
04:24You're ashamed of not being suicidal?
04:25Like, yeah.
04:26Like, actively, like, like, you know that you're not going to go through with it.
04:29Yeah.
04:30So you're ashamed of, like, exhibiting the symptoms of that.
04:36Yes.
04:36Maybe to someone who actually is.
04:38Yes.
04:39That you're not, like, authentic.
04:40Yes.
04:41Like, yes.
04:42The fear of, of.
04:43That's a new kind of shame.
04:44That's impressive.
04:45Yeah.
04:45Yeah.
04:46Like, I was even worried that you.
04:48Yeah.
04:49Would be, like, like, as I was, like, embarrassed to say, like, the fact that I, like, probably
04:53wasn't ever going to kill myself.
04:54I was, like, literally, like, Julie's going to leave.
04:58And I pushed through the shame.
05:00Good for you.
05:01Except to, like, open up.
05:02With.
05:03All right.
05:06Do people want that catat.
05:07There it is not.
05:08The fear, like, but you're going to make.
05:11Do you mostly see you?
05:11Ah, yeah, yes, yes.
05:11Do you, you, you?
05:12Are your thoughts in the challenge.
