- 1 day ago
The U.S. government, eager to protect the nation's avocado supplies, recruits feminist professor Margo Hunt to make contact with the Piranha Women, an all-female tribe who believe men are only good as a source of food.
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00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:43CastingWords
00:01:13CastingWords
00:01:45CastingWords
00:01:54CastingWords
00:02:08CastingWords
00:02:24I don't know.
00:02:29Wait a second.
00:02:30What's that right here?
00:02:32It sounds like, what am I?
00:02:36well, let's get out of here.
00:02:37No, no, no, come on, man.
00:02:39Don't be such a coward.
00:02:40Let's check this out.
00:03:02Look at them.
00:03:04They're beautiful.
00:03:06Aren't they?
00:03:07They're the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen.
00:03:11Let's get out of here.
00:03:12What are you, nuts?
00:03:13Look at them.
00:03:16They're dangerous.
00:03:18They don't look dangerous.
00:03:20They look lonely.
00:03:23I'm going to get out of here.
00:03:24I'm going to go introduce myself.
00:03:26Yoo-hoo!
00:03:27Ladies!
00:03:29Ladies!
00:03:42Here's the show.
00:03:43Let's go.
00:03:43Let's go.
00:03:43Let's go.
00:03:43Come on.
00:03:43Come on.
00:03:43Yo!
00:03:43Boom.
00:03:44Oh, boy.
00:03:45So sure.
00:03:48Let's go.
00:03:53Boom.
00:03:54Boom.
00:03:55Boom.
00:03:57Oh.
00:04:00Oh, my God.
00:04:28Oh, my God.
00:04:37Hello. Hi. Hi, girl. Hi.
00:04:40Please, please.
00:04:42Uh, uh, friends?
00:04:45Come on, guys.
00:04:47I just want a avocado.
00:04:50Friends.
00:04:54Throughout history, dominant sex would subjugate the weaker.
00:04:58Just as the Chinese bound the feet of young girls to cripple them into helplessness,
00:05:02so did the Amazon women break the legs of boys to make them subservient.
00:05:07Is it possible for men and women to coexist as equals?
00:05:12That's the subject we'll tackle in our next class.
00:05:22Dr. Hahn, I really love your class.
00:05:25Oh, thank you, Bunny. You can call me Margo.
00:05:27I like it so much.
00:05:28I've been thinking about changing my major from home economics to feminist studies,
00:05:31but I wasn't sure if you had any feminist cooking classes.
00:05:36I don't think we do, no?
00:05:38Interesting thought, though.
00:05:43I mean, the idea of being socially conditioned to be a sex object.
00:05:47Wait until I tell the girls in the sorority.
00:05:49Bunny, I think you should take a few more classes in women's studies before you decide to switch majors.
00:05:53But, Dr. Hahn, I know I want to be a liberated girl.
00:05:56I can just feel it in my toes.
00:05:58It could be those pointy boots.
00:06:00Uh, Margo.
00:06:01Dean Stockwell.
00:06:02Dr. Hunt, these gentlemen from the United States government would like to talk to you.
00:06:05This is Mr. Ford Maddox, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
00:06:08and Colonel Mattel, National Security Commission, Avocado Affairs.
00:06:13Avocado Affairs?
00:06:14Uh, Miss Hunt, this is a matter of national importance.
00:06:16We need to speak through media.
00:06:17Alone.
00:06:19Dr. Hunt, 98% of the avocados produced in the United States come from the state of California.
00:06:25Most of these come from a jungle area that spreads from Bakersfield to the Mexican border.
00:06:32The avocado belt.
00:06:33I'm aware of that.
00:06:35What does it have to do with me?
00:06:36Miss Hunt, maybe you don't get the point.
00:06:39Avocados are vital to this nation's security interests.
00:06:42For the communists already in control of Nicaragua and Guatemala and El Salvador strife with revolution,
00:06:48California is the last secure supply of avocados in the free world.
00:06:52We're on the verge of a major avocado gap with the Soviet Union.
00:06:56Back in the Kremlin, Gorbachev is just chuckling over his taquitos.
00:07:00I still don't see what that has to do with me.
00:07:02Doctor, have you ever taken a loyalty oath?
00:07:05Colonel, let me handle this.
00:07:08As I was saying, most of the avocados from the United States come from the avocado belt,
00:07:13but they are harvested only on the perimeter of the jungle.
00:07:16Because, as we all know, the interior is completely wild and uncharted.
00:07:22Anyone that strays too close to the heart of the avocado jungle never returns.
00:07:26Why?
00:07:28That's a very good question, Bunny.
00:07:32Perhaps Dr. Hunt would like to answer it.
00:07:38It's, uh, it's only a legend, really.
00:07:40We're convinced that they're real.
00:07:42Who?
00:07:44The piranha women.
00:07:46Piranha women? Who are they?
00:07:48They're an ancient commune of feminists.
00:07:52So radical, so militant, so left of center, they, they eat their men.
00:07:59Oh, that.
00:08:00Well, if I like a guy, you just started...
00:08:02They don't eat their men like that, Bunny.
00:08:04More like a black widow spider.
00:08:06They have sex with their men and they kill them.
00:08:09Then they tear them into strips like beef jerky and eat them with guacamole.
00:08:15So legend has it.
00:08:17They are more than a legend.
00:08:18They're a major agricultural problem.
00:08:20It used to be safe for avocado pickers to venture within 20 miles of the jungle's edge.
00:08:26But lately, the piranha women have broadened their hold.
00:08:29No one is safe anywhere in the avocado belt.
00:08:31Well, if they're that much trouble, why don't you just send in the troops and round them up?
00:08:35Colonel Mattel?
00:08:37The fact is, we tried.
00:08:38We sent in three divisions, armored with air support, the best men we have.
00:08:43And?
00:08:44They got whooped.
00:08:46They didn't play fair.
00:08:48Our men are trained for state-of-the-art high-tech warfare.
00:08:52Piranha women were using knives and spears.
00:08:55Officers got confused and they...
00:08:59We found these at the edge of the jungle.
00:09:03Dog tags?
00:09:04Look closely.
00:09:05They're covered with guacamole dip.
00:09:08Ew.
00:09:10Now do you get my point, doctor?
00:09:12Your sisters in the jungle are eating the few and the proud!
00:09:15Control yourself, Colonel.
00:09:18Look, naturally we would prefer a military solution.
00:09:21But frankly, the US military hasn't had a lot of luck in jungle warfare lately.
00:09:25So we're forced to negotiate with the piranha women.
00:09:29That's where you come in.
00:09:31We want you to go into the jungle and try to reason with these man-eaters.
00:09:37I can't do that, Mr. Maddox.
00:09:39We just want the piranha women to move out of the avocado jungle to a reservation in Malapu.
00:09:50Deluxe condominiums.
00:09:52Pool.
00:09:53Sauna.
00:09:54Ample parking.
00:09:56Total luxury living.
00:09:57We are even willing at the government's expense to convert the exercise room so that they may maintain their bizarre
00:10:04sacrificial rituals.
00:10:05Let me come to the point.
00:10:06We don't care that these girls want to eat their men.
00:10:09That's the piranha man's problem.
00:10:12We just want the avocados.
00:10:17We're willing to pay for them.
00:10:21I'm sorry, the answer's still no.
00:10:26Just like you girls to stick together.
00:10:29Why don't you tell us a real reason you're not going to go into that jungle?
00:10:33If you'd like to see the United States humiliated by a communist avocado yield, I think you'd like to eat
00:10:38me right now, wouldn't you, Dr. Hunt?
00:10:41Colonel, control yourself!
00:10:46Dr. Hunt is a respected middle-of-the-road feminist.
00:10:51And I'm sure she'll be happy to cooperate with us, especially when she considers how much this university depends upon
00:10:58grants from the Defense Department for its space weaponry program.
00:11:04And if Ms. Hunt, Dr. Hunt, is still unable to see the logic insisting of us, why, I'm sure Dean
00:11:12Stockwell will explain it to her.
00:11:14Won't you, Dean?
00:11:17Now, now, now, gentlemen.
00:11:20I will not tolerate tactics of this kind.
00:11:24This university is a bastion of intellectual freedom, and I am sworn to protect that freedom.
00:11:29I will not tolerate my professors being coerced into anything against their will, no matter how much political pressure is
00:11:37put on me personally.
00:11:42Margot, you will do exactly as they tell you, or I will cut your funding off and you can kiss
00:11:47your tenure goodbye. Comprehendo?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50The real question here is whether or not this project is worthy of Spritzer College's involvement.
00:11:56What do you say, Doc?
00:11:59Guess I'm going in the jungle.
00:12:01Terrific. Nice seeing you.
00:12:03Thanks again for your help, Dean.
00:12:04Oh, anytime.
00:12:05Mr. Maddox, there's something you're not telling me.
00:12:10Why? What do you mean?
00:12:12You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist you sent in to try and reason with the piranha
00:12:16women.
00:12:16What's really going on in that jungle?
00:12:18I suppose you have the right to know the truth.
00:12:21Two years ago, we sent into the avocado jungle a leading feminist scholar, Dr. Kurtz.
00:12:27Dr. Kurtz?
00:12:28Internationally famous author of Smart Women, Stupid, Insensitive Men?
00:12:33Yes.
00:12:34That explains her sudden disappearance from the talk show circuit.
00:12:38What happened to her?
00:12:40We really don't know.
00:12:41She may have been killed or perhaps they're holding a prisoner.
00:12:44It was shortly after her expedition that the piranha women went on the rampage.
00:12:50Well, I guess now that you know, you refuse to go.
00:12:56Quite the contrary.
00:12:58Now I know I must go.
00:13:02No, Bunny, you can't come.
00:13:04Doctor, why can't I go with you?
00:13:05Bunny, look, nobody's ever returned from the avocado jungle.
00:13:10There'll be countless dangers and perils along the way.
00:13:12You can't take a sophomore into the wilderness.
00:13:14You don't have the skills or training.
00:13:16And besides, you haven't even finished your general ed requirements.
00:13:19Now, I'm sorry, Bunny. It's just too dangerous.
00:13:24Bunny, baby!
00:13:25Hey, good looking. How you doing?
00:13:28Hi, Chucky.
00:13:29Hi, Bunny, babe.
00:13:31Super party boys at the Delta Epsilon are having another super party this Friday night.
00:13:36You're not doing anything, are you?
00:13:38Well, I wanted to do something, but I guess I'm not.
00:13:41Great. Great. Look, this is going to be a toga party and a beer bust.
00:13:45And for special girls like you, we are going to be having a wet t-shirt contest.
00:13:50But all my t-shirts are dry.
00:13:55Bunny, don't worry about that.
00:13:56At the fraternity brothers, we're going to take care of you, Bunny.
00:14:00You ever do any mud wrestling?
00:14:02I... You're coming with me.
00:14:04I get to go?
00:14:05You'd be safer in the jungle.
00:14:07Come on, Chucky.
00:14:09Patricia, have those filing cabinets I ordered come in yet?
00:14:12No. I've had them on back order for two weeks.
00:14:15Never mind.
00:14:16I'm going to do some field research and I need some supplies.
00:14:20Okay. Three legal size pads.
00:14:23Ten manila envelopes.
00:14:27Dictaphone recorder.
00:14:29And four one-hour tapes.
00:14:32I'll need a bowie knife, first aid kit.
00:14:35A hundred feet of nylon mountain climbing rope.
00:14:38Breach loading revolver and holster.
00:14:42A thousand rounds of ammunition.
00:14:44Full metal jacket, hollow point, or Teflon coated.
00:14:48Which do you think would be best for fighting the dangers that lurk inside a hostile jungle environment?
00:14:53I would alternate hollow and Teflon bullets in the chamber.
00:14:57That way you have maximum stopping power, but still armor-piercing capability.
00:15:08Dr. Holland!
00:15:10Yoo-hoo!
00:15:13Yoo-hoo!
00:15:14Yoo-hoo!
00:15:14I'm ready!
00:15:16Oh, Bunny.
00:15:17Don't you think you could have worn something a little more practical?
00:15:19We're going into uncharted jungle.
00:15:21Well, I'd take a pair of flax in my suitcase.
00:15:26Well, never mind.
00:15:27If you get in trouble, you can wear something of mine.
00:15:29Oh, good.
00:15:34Oh, my God.
00:15:34Aunt, I brought along some great lingerie we can do.
00:16:05Why do the piranha women eat their men?
00:16:08Well, primitive cultures often use overly simplistic methods of dealing with intertribal conflicts.
00:16:13The piranha women probably figured that the problems that arise between men and women naturally in any relationship were best
00:16:20solved by ritualized killing.
00:16:23Do a lot of feminists see men?
00:16:25No, Bunny.
00:16:27Well, not many.
00:16:29You have to understand that the piranha women are a primitive, ancient, radical offshoot of the women's movement.
00:16:35And most feminists, like myself and Dr. Kurtz, believe in equality between the sexes, not the domination of women over
00:16:41men.
00:16:42And there aren't any modern feminists that advocate cannibalism.
00:16:46At least not since the sixties.
00:17:07San Bernardino, a rough speck of civilization on the edge of the avocado belt.
00:17:13We'll head down to some local establishments and see if we can find a mercenary to guide us through the
00:17:17jungle.
00:17:18I've never been to San Bernardino before.
00:17:22Don't worry, Bunny.
00:17:24Are you all right?
00:17:27Are you all right?
00:17:59Hey, chickies. Can I buy you a drink?
00:18:02No, thanks.
00:18:05When I offer a chick a drink, I explain...
00:18:07I am not a chick.
00:18:09I'm an ethno-historian with a doctorate in cultural anthropology. Got that?
00:18:13Yes, doctor.
00:18:14Good. Now I understand that your compulsion to assault women verbally stems from a constant exposure to violent and sexist
00:18:20images from a male-dominated media.
00:18:22Therefore, I won't blow a hole in your head.
00:18:39I'm from the Department of Feminist Studies at Spritzer College.
00:18:44I'm going to hire a mercenary for a very dangerous job.
00:18:52I'm Anvil, a crazy ex-Vietnam vet who hires himself out to the highest bidder.
00:19:01I can break, pillage, and napalm an entire South East Asian village single-handedly.
00:19:18I am Bushido, the world's greatest ninja. I am a killing machine, master of all the deadly arts. And if
00:19:26you need a mercenary to kill and to maim, I am the best.
00:19:45I am the Block Mask Avenger, world champion wrestler, and weight lifter. I don't need no weapons or guns. I
00:19:57can crush man with my bare hands.
00:20:00I can smash them! Smash them! And blow them! Look at this!
00:20:12Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:20:14Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:20:16Oh!
00:20:19Ah!
00:20:23so what is your job you want to burn down a small town attack an impenetrable fortress
00:20:35i need a guy to take him to the avocado jungle
00:20:40i want to make contact with the piranha women the piranha women
00:20:48excuse me miss uh i gotta go to the pension center um for some counseling maybe next time
00:20:56i forgot i i'm busy there's a showing of some little samurai tonight at the newert and
00:21:01bye
00:21:04go on neutral system yeah lose a little weight jungle trip is out of the question right
00:21:12well let that be a lesson to you bunny a bunch of violent brutes wrapped up in a blanket of
00:21:16male machismo well they're happy to victimize the helpless but one thing sends them scurrying
00:21:21away one thing strips their phony courage the threat of a strong woman not so fast dr margot
00:21:29hunt ms ethno historian there are still some real men left in this world men who haven't
00:21:35been castrated by the years of feminist propaganda that corrupted the public school system and
00:21:40infected prime time television men who believe that nature designed women to cook nurture children
00:21:46and pose for penthouse magazine real men see our role in this world is to love protect and
00:21:53yes i'm not afraid to say it dominate women
00:22:03i'll go into the avocado jungle with you i'll lead you to the piranha women
00:22:08i'm man enough to face the dangers that lurk in the dark bosom of the jungle
00:22:27i'm not afraid of the piranha women any more than i'm afraid of a certain ethno historian who
00:22:34terrified of her own frailty and need to be loved abandoned her femininity in a bizarre charade of
00:22:40scholarship and androgyny jim what are you doing here you know him dr hunt sure she knows me bunny
00:22:48dr hunt and i are old friends aren't we margot well we were in love once desperately and passionately in
00:22:56love that was a long time ago wasn't it margot back when your mind wasn't filled with bizarre
00:23:03feminist notions about the meaninglessness of love back then you were the most giving passionate woman
00:23:08i'd ever met in my life turned my whole world upside down for you you shared her innermost thoughts
00:23:14and feelings you made plans big plans plans for life together and then you dumped me flat because
00:23:22i didn't turn out to be the sort of man who fit in neatly with the feminist tommy rod you
00:23:26were being
00:23:27force-fed by your professors it was a one-night stand i was half drunk and left right after we
00:23:32had
00:23:32sex we didn't say eight words to each other and all yours were composed of one syllable
00:23:36just like you to count the words dr hunt what you never understood is there are some feelings that
00:23:41can't be measured in words some moments that last an eternity you toyed with my affections and after
00:23:46you crushed my heart i crawled into a whiskey bottle and i haven't come out since
00:23:50you left for hawaii the next day with a bimbo in the cafeteria
00:23:57well yeah but uh i had made that date a week before and uh besides the second i got back
00:24:03from
00:24:03hawaii i i rolled into a whiskey bottle and i haven't come out since oh let's go bunny wait
00:24:09said you needed a guide i'm the best well i've changed my mind we'll do without one fat chance
00:24:17you last ten minutes in that jungle without me i can take care of myself not in the avocado jungle
00:24:24you can't you know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake you know where
00:24:29the only land root is around the white waters of death you know the way through the secret maze
00:24:32caves that lie underneath hangman's cliff huh do you well no i don't do you well no but uh i
00:24:42have this
00:24:45paperback i'll buy my own book it's out of print
00:24:50you as a guide how much oh isn't that fine just like you to treat me like a gigolo and
00:24:56offer me
00:24:57money after all we meant to each other how much twenty five thousand dollars okay fifty bucks okay
00:25:04that's uh fifty plus expensive now tim i don't care what happened to us before that's all in the past
00:25:13i've hired you as a guide with the understanding that our relationship will be strictly professional
00:25:17from here on in whatever you say honey buns
00:25:23get out okay okay you're right i just slept strictly professional it's the way you want it it's the way
00:25:30it'll be i'll be good really promise
00:25:40i guess sharing a sleeping bag is out then
00:26:02this is it the avocado jungle it doesn't look like a jungle the outer regions aren't very overgrown but
00:26:10the foliage gets thicker the deeper you go we're gonna have to leave the jeep here and continue
00:26:15on foot yeah well you girls better hang back these could be dangerous i don't want to make any
00:26:20misstep
00:26:22are you okay
00:26:24yeah yeah just uh checking the tires
00:26:28yeah they're good i'll uh i'll lick the oil later
00:26:31you wrecked my nails
00:26:38here it is the avocado jungle look around you bunny in front of us the lush untouched rainforest of the
00:26:47last surviving matriarchy
00:26:48behind us the polluted patriarchy of western civilization
00:26:53we're leaving a world dominated by men and entering one ruled by women
00:26:58whoop-de-doo just keep bashing men in a couple days you'll be dying for a burger king out here
00:27:04i doubt it
00:27:05you know hey women you're always bitching and moaning about men and the way we run things but
00:27:10let's face it who could have ever invented but a man the 64 gto
00:27:14or for that matter the corbett stingery any year any model all you women have ever done is what
00:27:19some french chick invented kryptonite or something the important things like beer and meat that was
00:27:25all men yeah it's hard to imagine a woman inventing nuclear weapons
00:27:28exactly and where would we be without them and the nazi blitzkrieg seemed like a male idea not to
00:27:32mention south african apartheid how about world war one the crusades spanish inquisition the rape of
00:27:37shanghai so men have done a lot of things
00:27:39uh elvis presley janice joplin pat jonah bark
00:27:46how about tammy baker jim baker jerry fallwell jimmy swagger jessica hunt faunhall donna right
00:27:54joseph mccarthy richard nixon joan rivers
00:27:58joan rivers i like joan rivers i think she's funny well i think nixon's funny
00:28:02right
00:28:05uh
00:28:25right
00:28:26the trail is there you're just packing to branches on the side
00:28:32Yeah, but I just bought the machete.
00:28:34It seemed like a shame not to use it.
00:28:36Anyway, it's good practice when the jungle really gets thick, you know.
00:28:39Sometimes I swing two or three, then it's really light.
00:28:42I think you look really handsome in the machete now.
00:28:45Well, thank you, Bunny.
00:28:46Come on, you two. We've got a lot of ground to cover before night.
00:28:50Just keep our boys.
00:28:51No, no, boy, girl, boy, girl.
00:28:52No, that's the way you do it in the jungle.
00:28:55Hey.
00:28:57Want some?
00:29:00What is that?
00:29:02Pina colada.
00:29:04Where's Bunny?
00:29:06All right.
00:29:07He's right...
00:29:08Bunny!
00:29:10Bunny!
00:29:12Bunny!
00:29:14Kitty.
00:29:16Oh, so cute.
00:29:18Kitty.
00:29:19Here.
00:29:20Oh.
00:29:21Here, kitty.
00:29:23Nice kitty.
00:29:24Are you lost?
00:29:25Huh?
00:29:28Where's your home?
00:29:29What do you like to eat?
00:29:32Mmm, look at your eyes.
00:29:34Bunny!
00:29:35Oh, no.
00:29:37Bunny!
00:29:38Bye.
00:29:43Bye.
00:29:45This is Bunny.
00:29:49Bunny!
00:29:52Bunny!
00:29:54Oh, the curling iron.
00:29:55Yeah, and her Indiana Jones warmth box.
00:29:58Bunny!
00:29:59Whoa, look at all this stuff.
00:30:01Milk duds, good and plenty, nutty buddies.
00:30:03I had a feeling she was holding out on us.
00:30:06Bunny!
00:30:07I just found a big kitty.
00:30:09Where have you been?
00:30:10Don't you know it's dangerous in the jungle?
00:30:12Don't you know it's dangerous to hold out on your friends?
00:30:14Ow!
00:30:16I have a band-aid.
00:30:25Do you have any idea where we are?
00:30:28Of course I know where we are.
00:30:29I know exactly where we are.
00:30:31Okay.
00:30:32We're, uh...
00:30:34Let me see that.
00:30:36Honey, honey, honey, please.
00:30:39I know you think you know everything about everything, but...
00:30:41I'm so reading maps, I happen to be an expert.
00:30:45All right.
00:30:46Now, our best chance of finding the piranha woman is to take the Rio Santa Rosa River.
00:30:51It runs the length of the avocado jungle, and it is, I believe, their primary source of fresh water.
00:30:57Well, maybe we can build a raft and float downstream.
00:31:00Yeah.
00:31:01Good, whatever.
00:31:02All right.
00:31:03Now, according to my calculations, with the North Star overhead, and the moon rising easterly, and allowing for a wind
00:31:11factor of five, the river should be approximately 23.6 miles away.
00:31:17Should take us about two days to get there.
00:31:18Twenty-three miles?
00:31:20But the jungle is so lush and green around here.
00:31:22Are you sure it's not closer?
00:31:23I mean...
00:31:24Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, please.
00:31:27One thing I know, it's how to read a map.
00:31:30If you will excuse me, I'm gonna go to a little boys' room, and, uh, make yourselves busy.
00:31:34God, women, you know?
00:31:42I think you found the river.
00:31:53Maybe that isn't the North Star.
00:31:58They're all dry now, but I want to get the wrinkles off.
00:32:01Maybe you could put a neat military crease across the front panels of the pants and shirt.
00:32:06Oh, sure.
00:32:08You sure are a good little homemaker, Bunny?
00:32:10Thanks.
00:32:11I've been taking home economics for two years now, but I'm switching my major to feminist studies.
00:32:16What would you want to do that for?
00:32:18I want to expand my mind.
00:32:21Why?
00:32:23Gee, I don't know.
00:32:24Maybe I could become the first woman president or something.
00:32:32I followed the river for about half a mile.
00:32:34It has the wreckage of a small boat something near the shore.
00:32:37Now it's salvageable.
00:32:39We could use it to travel downstream.
00:32:41I wonder what it was doing this deep into the jungle.
00:32:43The partner.
00:32:46You know it?
00:32:48Yes.
00:32:49Yes, I know it.
00:32:53It was a long, long time ago.
00:32:56I was young.
00:32:57Very young.
00:32:59Stupid.
00:33:00Very stupid.
00:33:02I made a mistake.
00:33:03Arab pilgrims.
00:33:04Nasty business.
00:33:06I panicked.
00:33:07I drummed out of the Merchant Marine.
00:33:09I spent the next three years of my life crisscrossing the globe trying to live it down.
00:33:14I'm sorry.
00:33:15I don't want to talk about it.
00:33:17Whatever.
00:33:18After that, I crawled into a whiskey bottle.
00:33:20Oh, Tim, please.
00:33:21Not the whiskey bottle.
00:33:28Poor Tim.
00:33:28He doesn't have a tent.
00:33:31Funny.
00:33:31You'll be all right.
00:33:33It's a warm mount.
00:33:34Listen.
00:33:36Isn't that beautiful?
00:33:42Feels awfully good.
00:33:44Feels awfully good.
00:34:01You're kind of tough on him.
00:34:03Yeah.
00:34:05He said he loved you.
00:34:08I doubt that.
00:34:10It never would have worked out.
00:34:12He's an egotistical, southernistic klutz.
00:34:16I think he's kind of cute.
00:34:22Well, maybe I am a little hard on him.
00:34:26Funny.
00:34:27It's just that he, he represents my failures.
00:34:30Failures?
00:34:31You?
00:34:31Sure we all have him.
00:34:34Can I tell you a secret I've never told anyone before?
00:34:37Sure.
00:34:38In a way, Jim is right.
00:34:41I am afraid of men.
00:34:43My relationships have been, well, I've had a lot of on the right stands.
00:34:49A little to drink, you know, give myself an excuse.
00:34:52And I subconsciously fall for jerks I know I'll never be emotionally involved with.
00:34:57Yes.
00:34:58It's all so empty.
00:35:00Passionless, really.
00:35:02And I guess deep down I'm afraid that there can never be any real respect or equality between
00:35:09the sexes.
00:35:10Not really.
00:35:11I've avoided commitment because I'm afraid I'll be emotionally dominated by my lover.
00:35:16Or equally as sad that I dominate him.
00:35:21I guess that seems kind of strange.
00:35:24Can I tell you something too, Dr. Hunt?
00:35:25Something I've never told anybody before.
00:35:28Of course, Bunny.
00:35:29I'm glad we got to share this.
00:35:30Well, sometimes when I'm with a guy, I wish they'd tie me up with red licorice ropes.
00:35:36And then spank me.
00:35:38And then he'd eat the ropes.
00:35:40And then he'd free me.
00:35:43And then we'd make love with a philharmonic played bolero.
00:35:48Thank you, Bunny.
00:35:50You've really put my thoughts in perspective.
00:35:53I feel better too.
00:35:54I feel...
00:35:56Hey.
00:35:57Anybody licorice?
00:36:00No thanks.
00:36:01Hey, you bun.
00:36:03Come on.
00:36:03It's a foot long.
00:36:04Come on, man.
00:36:04I'll meet you in the middle.
00:36:07No thanks.
00:36:09Here you go.
00:36:18Let's see if this boat flows, huh?
00:36:19What do you say?
00:36:20And over here on the left, we have the tribal headhunter and traitor.
00:36:24He's got a special for us today.
00:36:25It's a two for one.
00:36:26Two of his heads for one of yours.
00:36:28Do we have any takers?
00:36:30Todd, this is incredible.
00:36:32He's memorized the entire speech from the jungle boat ride at Disneyland.
00:36:35That'll be useful.
00:36:37I can do the tiki room, too.
00:36:39You know everything.
00:36:39Can you steer the boat?
00:36:43Hey, I know Adventureland like the back of my hand.
00:36:47What?
00:36:47Of course, this jungle can't be much different.
00:36:50What was that?
00:36:52Something under the boat.
00:36:53Something big.
00:36:53Nah, it's probably just a rock.
00:36:56Hardly.
00:36:59A hippo.
00:37:00Look!
00:37:01A hippo?
00:37:02California?
00:37:03It's a Palm Springs hippo.
00:37:04It's a lighter version than its African cousins because of a low cholesterol diet.
00:37:08But it's just as deadly.
00:37:10I got it.
00:37:10It's charging at the boat.
00:37:11We're gonna die.
00:37:13Don't let it go, science Jim.
00:37:15Oh, the port!
00:37:16Oh, the port!
00:37:16Port?
00:37:17Is that left or right?
00:37:18Left!
00:37:19Left!
00:37:22Start?
00:37:23I think so.
00:37:25What?
00:37:26Did its ears wiggle when it started to get close to us?
00:37:29Yeah, their ears wiggle when they're angry.
00:37:31Yeah.
00:37:32This is not the Disneyland jungle boat ride.
00:37:35Get real, folks.
00:37:36We were almost killed.
00:37:57We're almost killed, but they're dead.
00:37:57They're dead.
00:37:58It was dead.
00:38:01We were killed.
00:38:02You're dead.
00:38:16There's someone in the bush.
00:38:18Take care, sir.
00:38:23Oh, Lordy!
00:38:24Shut down!
00:38:25They're attacking!
00:38:27Oh!
00:38:29I'm coming!
00:38:30I'm coming!
00:38:32I'm coming!
00:38:32I'm coming!
00:38:32Sir.
00:38:35I can't tell.
00:38:36I think I'm in shock.
00:38:38I'm bleeding.
00:38:40No.
00:38:41What was it that did me in?
00:38:43Was it a rock?
00:38:44A spear?
00:38:46An arrow?
00:38:47It looks like a knitted potholder to me.
00:38:50It looks like a diamond.
00:38:53You're a crocheted potholder.
00:38:56Those piranha women are stupider than I thought.
00:38:59They were attacking us with doilies and potholders and placemats.
00:39:04My women today are just not the way I thought they'd be.
00:39:07Well, I don't think it's the piranha women.
00:39:10Whoever it is, they're gone now.
00:39:13Let's go investigate.
00:39:14Wait.
00:39:16They could have flatware.
00:39:17Might be dangerous.
00:39:19Why did somebody attack on what was attacking us?
00:39:21Well, maybe it wasn't meant as an attack.
00:39:23Maybe it was meant as an offering.
00:39:26An offering?
00:39:27God, you don't mean it.
00:39:29Yes.
00:39:30Let's go back to the boat.
00:39:32No, we can't go back.
00:39:33We want to be the first outsiders never to make contact.
00:39:36They're disgusting.
00:39:38Who?
00:39:38They're not disgusting.
00:39:40You think that anyone who chooses to live their life differently from you is disgusting.
00:39:44Well, different lifestyles have different traditions, Jim.
00:39:48They're sniveling worms that don't have their stomach to look at them.
00:39:50Who?
00:39:51It's just a legend, really.
00:39:53But in the avocado jungle, there's a tribe of men who live apart from the piranha women.
00:39:57And who cower in fear of them.
00:39:59They have different cultures, Jim.
00:40:01They're really very caring and nurturing.
00:40:03They're a bunch of weenies.
00:40:05They make potholders?
00:40:06Well, they make baked goods, sew their own clothes, and they leave out handicrafts for the piranha women.
00:40:11And in return, they don't eat them.
00:40:14It's kind of a semiotic relationship.
00:40:17What kind of an idiotic relationship is more like it.
00:40:21What are they called?
00:40:22The Donahues.
00:40:24Come on, Alf. Don't be afraid.
00:40:26We won't eat you.
00:40:27I promise.
00:40:28Don't be afraid.
00:40:29Look.
00:40:30I'm an ethnographer.
00:40:38God, what wimps.
00:40:41It's a different culture, Jim.
00:40:43I think they're sweet.
00:40:50It's beautiful.
00:40:50Donahue.
00:40:51Donahue.
00:40:52Alan Alda.
00:40:54Mark Harmon.
00:40:56Walter Mondale.
00:40:58Get off of me, you puss.
00:41:00Get away.
00:41:02You're not getting on my knees.
00:41:04Great suffering.
00:41:05Christ, man.
00:41:06They're just a couple of chicks.
00:41:17Oh, thank you.
00:41:19No, I'm stuffed, really.
00:41:20It's all delicious, though.
00:41:22Alan Alda.
00:41:24No.
00:41:24Oh, yes, thank you.
00:41:26This tuna fish casserole is a dream.
00:41:28And the stuffed bell peppers, they're so good.
00:41:31Aren't they really good cooks?
00:41:33Really good wimps is what they are.
00:41:35Why does it bother you so much to see men cooking and performing tasks generally relegated to women?
00:41:40They seem happy enough.
00:41:42You act as if your own masculinity were threatened because another man performs a supposedly feminine task.
00:41:47Why don't you just be yourself and let them be who they are?
00:41:51Because...
00:41:51Sorry, pal.
00:41:53Because no man can be truly happy acting as a housemaid to a bunch of man-eaters.
00:41:58Cooking and sewing just aren't into male hormones.
00:42:00But these poor, desperate wretches don't know any better because they don't have any role models like John Wayne or
00:42:06Stallone.
00:42:06But if they did...
00:42:07They'd be violent, emotionally repressed, and narrow-minded.
00:42:13Just like my heroes. Strong and masculine and virile.
00:42:18Hey, buddy, is there any more of that kiwi tart left?
00:42:20And can I get a chair?
00:42:25Oh, my. Beautiful.
00:42:29Oh, you made it yourself?
00:42:31It's wonderful, but really, I...
00:42:33My apartment is so small, I...
00:42:36Really, I couldn't.
00:42:38Nice, though. Very nice.
00:42:40I have a lot of fantasies about being tied up and spanked.
00:42:43I suppose it isn't very liberated, is it?
00:42:45What kind of fantasies do feminists have?
00:42:47Bunny, please go to sleep.
00:42:49We have to get up early and look for the piranha women.
00:42:51What kind of fantasies do piranha women have?
00:42:54Eating men, I suppose.
00:42:56Turbroyled or baked.
00:43:05Damn you, Ellen Holden.
00:43:07Oh, great. I could use a drink.
00:43:11What is hot chocolate?
00:43:15Oh, Jesus, age Christ.
00:43:18Men don't bring other men hot chocolate.
00:43:24Guys, this is no way to live.
00:43:27What's killing me is I know that deep inside,
00:43:30every last one of you beats the heart of a virile, macho, manly man.
00:43:35And I'll be goddamned if I sit idly by
00:43:38and watch you all waste away your lives as a bunch of sniveling, cowardly wimps.
00:43:45Tonight I'm gonna teach you all how to be men.
00:43:48Men are just how to do it.
00:43:54Beard!
00:43:57There!
00:43:58See what it is to be a man!
00:44:07Ah!
00:44:09Ah!
00:44:09Take it!
00:44:11Do it!
00:44:12Come on!
00:44:13I know you want it!
00:44:14Be a man!
00:44:15Do it!
00:44:17Be here!
00:44:18Come on, you're the chief!
00:44:20Show them what you got!
00:44:54Come on!
00:44:55Take it easy!
00:45:00Come on!
00:45:01You're the chief!
00:45:06Come on!
00:45:08Come on.
00:45:09Come on.
00:45:09That's a mouth!
00:45:11Beer!
00:45:14Beer!
00:45:17Beer!
00:45:21Beer!
00:45:23Beer!
00:45:25Beer!
00:45:26Beer!
00:45:29Beer!
00:45:30Beer!
00:45:33Beer!
00:45:33All right, boys.
00:45:34Keep drinking.
00:45:35There's plenty more where that came from.
00:45:37All right, now.
00:45:38We have a little pop quiz here on what we learned.
00:45:42Pay attention.
00:45:43Eyes front.
00:45:45Now.
00:45:46What's that?
00:45:48Beer!
00:45:49Yeah, all right.
00:45:50Good.
00:45:51Here we go.
00:45:53What's that?
00:45:54Beer house!
00:45:56Yeah, okay.
00:45:58What's that?
00:46:00Beer!
00:46:02Right on!
00:46:03Good man.
00:46:05All right, now.
00:46:07Let's take a little scenario here.
00:46:11Let's say you're riding down the street in your Corvette.
00:46:16You got one hand on the wheel palming it.
00:46:18You got one eye out looking for the cops.
00:46:21Spot out of the corner of your eye.
00:46:23Walking down the street in some sexy hot pants.
00:46:26Get some bucks from team talent.
00:46:29You know, a dame.
00:46:31A girl brought a wench.
00:46:34A woman.
00:46:36Now, what do you do?
00:46:38Now, now, get back.
00:46:40You don't run and hide.
00:46:41Get back there.
00:46:42Jesus Christ.
00:46:44What do you do?
00:46:47No, no, you don't offer them knitted products.
00:46:50Men don't knit.
00:46:53You yell out to her.
00:46:55You yell out, hey, sexy mama.
00:46:57Hey, love machine.
00:47:00You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:02Let's try it, all right?
00:47:04Hey, hey, sexy mama.
00:47:09Hey, sexy mama.
00:47:12Hey, love machine.
00:47:15Hey, love machine.
00:47:18That's it.
00:47:19You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:21You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:25Yeah, that was pretty good, all right.
00:47:27Go ahead, boys, you're in another swing.
00:47:41Hey, girls, take five.
00:47:48Excuse me.
00:47:50Hi.
00:47:51I heard all the noise, and I couldn't sleep,
00:47:53so I thought maybe one of you could make me some hot chocolate.
00:47:56Chick.
00:47:57Right.
00:47:58Sexy mama.
00:48:00What?
00:48:01Hey, baby.
00:48:03You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:48:07I don't know.
00:48:08Where's it parked?
00:48:11Hey, love machine.
00:48:13Let's do it dirty.
00:48:15Love machine, um, well, we happened to two new casseroles at Needle Point.
00:48:19I mean, all I came out here was to ask for some hot chocolate.
00:48:22Dr. Horland, no!
00:48:25Dr. Horland, no!
00:48:27Dr. Horland, no!
00:48:31Let go of Bunny.
00:48:32No!
00:48:33No!
00:48:37What are you doing out here?
00:48:47Look, I'm sorry, all right?
00:48:48I'm sorry, I mean it.
00:48:49I'm sorry.
00:48:50Just that we had a party and the boys got a little out of control.
00:48:54Out of control?
00:48:56They tried to gang rape Bunny.
00:48:59I didn't get any hot chocolate.
00:49:01Gang rape Bunny?
00:49:03Boy, I didn't know they had it in them.
00:49:06Sir?
00:49:07Sorry.
00:49:07I didn't mean it that way, am I?
00:49:09Funny you know what I meant, right?
00:49:12I guess so.
00:49:12It's just that considering how faggy they were acting, it was kind of delightful to see them
00:49:18finally taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex.
00:49:21God.
00:49:22A healthy interest to you means a violent one.
00:49:25Oh, yeah.
00:49:26Like your little piranha women don't resort to violence.
00:49:29They only kill slice up and eat men.
00:49:31Quite right.
00:49:32And I'm beginning to think they've got the right idea.
00:49:59Oh, fuck that duck, the propeller's stuck again.
00:50:04There's too much grass in this area.
00:50:05Look, we're just going to have to drag it downstream where it's deeper water.
00:50:09Drag it?
00:50:11Yeah, drag it.
00:50:12You got us into this mess.
00:50:14Oh, you mean we have to get in the water?
00:50:17I didn't even bring any trunks.
00:50:24Yeah.
00:50:34Ew, ew, ew.
00:50:36What, what, leeches?
00:50:37No, catfish.
00:50:39Catfish?
00:50:40Catfish don't bite.
00:50:41I know, but they swish all around my ankles and it feels icky.
00:50:44I always, I always hit catfish even as a kid.
00:50:47Just look at your feeling and catfish swish it around.
00:50:50I mean, what if one crawling up my pants like it's-
00:50:52Oh, shut up with the catfish.
00:50:53If you want to get back in the boat, get back in the boat.
00:50:56Margot, when thinks thou doth protest too much.
00:51:01Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
00:51:03You're as mad at me, you're as yelling at me.
00:51:05I'm sure a big doctor like you knows that underneath that means you're just hiding your true feelings.
00:51:11Which is?
00:51:13That you really love me.
00:51:14I don't love you.
00:51:16I don't even like you.
00:51:17Huh.
00:51:18Then why is your voice quivering as you say that?
00:51:20My voice is not quivering.
00:51:22Yes, it is.
00:51:23It is.
00:51:25You always tell when a woman's in love because her voice quivers when she speaks.
00:51:30My voice is not quivering.
00:51:33Why are you getting so emotional?
00:51:34I'm not emotional.
00:51:35It's quivering again.
00:51:36I'm not emotional or quivering.
00:51:39Margot, are you getting your period?
00:51:43No, I'm not getting my period.
00:51:44It's not due for two weeks.
00:51:46Why am I telling you this?
00:51:48Because I care, dammit.
00:51:50Jim, there's a leech on your neck.
00:51:54Hey, are you guys having a water fight?
00:51:57No, we're not having a water fight.
00:52:06That's when I started to start my own business.
00:52:08Everybody said I was crazy, but taking orders from others, that's just not the way the gym man is made.
00:52:13Hey, Margot, I have some of this.
00:52:14It's great.
00:52:15It's a great dip.
00:52:16It's guacamole.
00:52:17Of course, it's guacamole.
00:52:18I'm sick of guacamole.
00:52:21I'm sick of avocados.
00:52:23I want meat.
00:52:25Well, I told you you'd want a Burger King out here.
00:52:28Or maybe a nice juicy steak or a little meatloaf.
00:52:33You've been looking at me like that.
00:52:39Hey, you want to eat me, don't you?
00:52:42I didn't say that.
00:52:44You were thinking it.
00:52:45You can see how look in your eye.
00:52:46You want to eat me.
00:52:48Only for a minute.
00:52:51Moderate feminist.
00:52:53You women's livers are all alike.
00:52:55A couple of days out here in the jungle and you turn into savages.
00:52:58You throw away all that rhetoric about equality and you get down to what you really want.
00:53:01the domination and consumption of men.
00:53:03I'm sorry.
00:53:05I'm hot and I'm tired and I lost my head for a moment.
00:53:12Or maybe found your true self.
00:53:15Take a look at her, Bunny.
00:53:17Take a good, hard look.
00:53:19She wants to eat me.
00:53:21See for yourself what the women's movement is really all about.
00:53:26That's it.
00:53:29You're dead meat.
00:53:30No, no, no, no, no.
00:53:32Honey.
00:53:32No.
00:53:33Hey, honey, chill, chill, really.
00:53:35Come on.
00:53:36I'm sure they'd be hard to eat by you.
00:53:39No, but it's the pig.
00:53:41Oh, my, real please.
00:53:43Don't eat up, Dr. Hunt.
00:53:48Oh, my God.
00:53:50I'm losing my mind.
00:53:52It's this jungle.
00:53:54I'm just losing my mind.
00:53:56Well, it's having your period and everything.
00:54:01We've got to go back.
00:54:03We're going back.
00:54:04We've just gone too deep into the heart of the jungle.
00:54:08I'm back.
00:54:10A little too late for that, Margo.
00:54:12I think they've found us.
00:54:14Get off it.
00:54:16Maybe.
00:54:17They don't look too friendly to me.
00:54:19Don't worry.
00:54:21What do you got?
00:54:21Renade?
00:54:22Gun?
00:54:23No.
00:54:23Something all feminist cultures will understand,
00:54:25no matter how radical or how primitive.
00:54:28My now membership card.
00:54:32What did you say?
00:54:36I'm not sure.
00:54:38It's a strange, difficult language.
00:54:41Listen.
00:54:42I am looking for Dr. Kurtz.
00:54:44Do you understand me?
00:54:45Dr. Kurtz.
00:54:47Kurtz?
00:54:48Yes, Dr. Kurtz.
00:54:49Can you take me to her?
00:54:52Get your stuff.
00:55:03Secret temple of the Piranha women.
00:55:06Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.
00:55:09Looks like a big Lego to me.
00:55:25This must be the altar room where they...
00:55:27E, guys?
00:55:29Yeah.
00:55:37Hey.
00:55:37Look.
00:55:39Vegetable juice spa.
00:55:40This is supposed to be great for the complexion.
00:55:42Jim, don't.
00:55:43What?
00:55:44Honey, hand me one of those frios.
00:55:54What is it?
00:55:55Piranha.
00:55:56The real thing.
00:55:57This must be where the Piranha women disposed of the fat and bones of their male sacrifices.
00:56:01Very good, Dr. Hunt.
00:56:03That is quite correct.
00:56:05Francine Kurtz.
00:56:06Then you are alive.
00:56:07She's got one of those cute outfits on.
00:56:09I have more than just the outfit, Bunny.
00:56:12The Piranha women have christened me Empress of the Avocado Jungle.
00:56:16I am their supreme ruler.
00:56:18Empress.
00:56:19I knew the Avocado Board would send someone after me.
00:56:22But I never suspected it would be another feminist.
00:56:26After I did away with the army.
00:56:27You mean to say you led those Piranha women against the soldiers?
00:56:30Of course.
00:56:31They violated our jungle sanctuary.
00:56:33They had to die.
00:56:36They were pretty delicious, too.
00:56:38Dr. Kurtz.
00:56:39I am unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe.
00:56:42But I would think any major university would consider warring on the United States
00:56:45and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics.
00:56:48Always the cautious scholar, huh, Dr. Hunt?
00:56:51I am not here to study the Piranha women.
00:56:53I am here to lead them.
00:56:55The future of feminism lies in this temple.
00:56:58You are saying the future of women is in cannibalism?
00:57:01Face up to the truth.
00:57:02This is a war.
00:57:03A war between men and women.
00:57:06Anything short of cannibalism is just beating around the bush.
00:57:08Well, it's obvious the avocado board sent the wrong scholar to deal with the Piranha women.
00:57:13And you are so obviously the right one.
00:57:16An academic so naive.
00:57:18So trusting.
00:57:19She actually believes there's an avocado shortage.
00:57:23Yes.
00:57:24That's what they told me, too.
00:57:26But I was suspicious enough to do a little research into the matter.
00:57:30The fact of the matter is the United States has a massive avocado glut.
00:57:34They're dumping avocados by the ton into Santa Monica Harbor just to get rid of them.
00:57:38But if that's the case, then why send me?
00:57:40You're an ethno-historian.
00:57:42Use your head.
00:57:43It's not the avocados the government is worried about.
00:57:47It's the Piranha women.
00:57:48The reactionary male factions are terrified of them.
00:57:52Terrified of the example a nation of strong women might set for the rest of the country.
00:57:57After they succeeded in stopping the ERA,
00:58:00in the wake of a mainstream feminist backlash,
00:58:03they figured it was the perfect time to wipe out the Piranha women for good.
00:58:08But the reservations in Malibu.
00:58:10They're there, all right.
00:58:12I did some research into those, too.
00:58:14Deluxe condominiums.
00:58:16Pool.
00:58:17Sauna.
00:58:18Total luxury living.
00:58:21Only what they didn't tell you about
00:58:23were the thousands of subscriptions to Cosmopolitan
00:58:26that were time for delivery when the Piranha women took up residence.
00:58:29Not to mention the team of Mary Kay cosmetic saleswomen
00:58:32who were ready to pounce upon them.
00:58:34They had a secret plan for doing away with the Piranha women.
00:58:38Something far more sinister than an armored division of infantry.
00:58:43Cultural assimilation.
00:58:45Yes.
00:58:46Within five years, the Piranha women would have been just a bunch of bikini bunnies
00:58:50bouncing around Malibu searching for a good sushi bar.
00:58:53I know a great sushi bar in Malibu.
00:58:55You go down Sunset, turn right to PCH and...
00:58:57You see?
00:58:58They would have all ended up...
00:59:01like her.
00:59:05Now that you're here, you have only one choice.
00:59:08To join with us.
00:59:09Become a Piranha woman.
00:59:12I can't do that.
00:59:14Although I'm discouraged.
00:59:15I can't give up hope that there will be equality between the sexes.
00:59:19I cannot allow you to leave the jungle and reveal the secrets of the Piranha women.
00:59:23You either join us, or you all die together.
00:59:27Then kill us.
00:59:28Because I'd rather die than compromise my ethical standards.
00:59:32Hey, speak for yourself.
00:59:34I'm sure we could round table this whole thing and come up...
00:59:38You, idiot male, will die anyway.
00:59:41You look a little tough, but I suppose if you were marinated before cooking...
00:59:45Take him.
00:59:46Marinated?
00:59:47Sweetie, that's personogenic.
00:59:48You don't wanna...
00:59:49Finally...
00:59:49Jim!
00:59:51Move me!
00:59:52Take Dr. Hunt also.
01:00:04You're outnumbered, Margo.
01:00:06There are a thousand Piranha women in this temple.
01:00:08You haven't got a chance.
01:00:10You let my friends go, or I'll shoot you first.
01:00:13Go ahead.
01:00:14Fire on a fellow feminist.
01:00:16Fire on a fellow anthropologist.
01:00:19You may not personally agree with my tactics, but you know my only goal is to help the Piranha women
01:00:24maintain their cultural heritage.
01:00:28Go ahead and shoot.
01:00:30Shooter!
01:00:31Tell the woman what she wants!
01:00:37It will take some time to make the preparations for your initiation into the tribe of Piranha women.
01:00:42I will give you until tomorrow morning to make your decision.
01:00:46If you agree to join us, you will sacrifice your first man.
01:00:51If you do not agree, you will be thrown into the Piranha pit and you will die.
01:00:55Painfully.
01:00:58Take her.
01:01:01Take the airhead, too.
01:01:03Jim!
01:01:04Ronnie, don't worry!
01:01:05You'll save me!
01:01:11Hi.
01:01:12Hey, I hope you know that crack about shooting you is just a joke, because that's me, a horse with
01:01:16it non-stop, the whole trip.
01:01:19Have they told you how great you look in that dress? Because it's feminine and feminist, which is my cause.
01:01:26Really, feminism. I thought Joel Dean Ferraro, for example, Cream Bush, in that debate...
01:01:31You're gonna cook up real good.
01:01:34Put him with the rest of the men. Tomorrow we eat him.
01:01:38Well, you know, I've got a subscription to mid.
01:01:43You know what I mean? We'll be a lunchroom, you know.
01:01:45These guys must be bigger wimps than that Donnie used.
01:01:49All right, I'm going. I'm going. Whoa!
01:01:52Can I interject one thing?
01:01:53Now, I'm not saying this just to save my hide, but talking strictly nutritional requirements, if you girls are eating
01:02:00only men, you cannot possibly be getting everything you need from the four basic food girls!
01:02:10Hey, you guys are pretty big for wimps. Of course, uh, the joke's on you when those broads come back
01:02:17and start picking out ingredients for Chicken McMacho.
01:02:23Anybody got a smoke?
01:02:30I brought you some food.
01:02:32Who are you?
01:02:34I'm Jean-Pierre, your sacrifice for tomorrow.
01:02:39It is traditional in the tribe of the Piranha women for the sacrificee to serve his mistress the night before
01:02:45the ceremony.
01:02:47But you speak English.
01:02:49Some. I learned it from listening to Dr. Kurtz.
01:02:53Wow, you must be very smart. I picked it up so quickly without any formal training.
01:02:59Alas, intelligence in males is not valued by the Piranha women. Only muscle tissue.
01:03:05Well, I certainly have plenty of that.
01:03:09They force us to work out with weights. It makes the meat more flavorful. Please, eat.
01:03:13Oh, thank you. I am hungry.
01:03:21Mmm. Very good.
01:03:23I'm glad. He was a friend of mine. Jacques.
01:03:28Castor stuff is really good. Cheery but tasty. Kind of like lean pork. What is it?
01:03:33Jacques.
01:03:34Is that one of those beef substitutes? Huh?
01:03:38Whatever it is, they show us good.
01:03:40You work that on a nautilus?
01:03:43Got any more tip?
01:04:15I want to have a little chuchu.
01:04:20Now.
01:04:30I'd like to speak to Jean-Pierre.
01:04:34Where is Jean-Pierre?
01:04:39Oh, he's a friend of yours, Tom.
01:04:41Well, don't worry. I won't kill him.
01:04:43God knows I won't eat him.
01:05:05There is your sacrifice. If you wish to become a piranha woman, you must first take his body, and then
01:05:11his life. What is your decision?
01:05:14I refuse to kill another human being in cold blood. However, in deference to your cultural traditions, I would be
01:05:22willing to have sex with him.
01:05:23Forget it. If you want your cake, you'll have to eat it. If you do not use this dagger to
01:05:28draw his blood, I will have you thrown into the piranha pit.
01:05:30I won't join your tribe. And I appeal to you as a member of the National Academy of Sciences to
01:05:36release me and my friends and allow us to go on our way.
01:05:39No! I want to be a piranha woman.
01:05:42Bunny, what are you saying?
01:05:43I want to be a piranha woman.
01:05:45Bunny, dammit, I knew I shouldn't have brought you. You haven't had enough women's studies poor classes. You're being seduced
01:05:50by the simplicity of the piranha woman's philosophy.
01:05:52No, I haven't. I just want one of those cute outfits.
01:05:56Bunny, listen to me!
01:05:58Silence her!
01:06:01Are you sure you want to become a piranha woman?
01:06:04Yes.
01:06:05Are you willing to partake in the blood sacrifice initiation?
01:06:09Well, if you mean to have sex with a guy and then kill him, sure. I'll try it. I'll do
01:06:12weirder things at frat parties.
01:06:14Then I will allow you to become a piranha woman. On one condition.
01:06:23He shall be your sacrifice.
01:06:26Well, now you've gone too far, Dr. Kurtz.
01:06:30I happen to be a pretty good judge of human nature.
01:06:33And as far as our bunny goes, well, the poor kid happens to be nuts about me. She would never...
01:06:38Sure, I'll kill him.
01:06:40Prepare them both for sacrifice.
01:06:42Tiddles.
01:06:47What?
01:06:48Just do it!
01:06:51The sacrifice has escaped! Kill him!
01:06:56Quick!
01:06:57Stop them! Kill them!
01:07:03Jump!
01:07:05I can fight them off from here.
01:07:07Oh, no, you're coming.
01:07:08No, it's more important that you escape.
01:07:10Shut up here. Will you stop being a sacrifice? Now come with me.
01:07:19Oh!
01:07:24Jump here!
01:07:26Jump here!
01:07:27Jump here!
01:07:29Damn it, the first decent guy...
01:07:32No!
01:07:44Go!
01:07:48No!
01:07:50No!
01:08:05Oh, my God.
01:08:23So this is why Prana women have red hair, huh? Huh?
01:08:28See, I hope this dies and you make my hair frizz. Do you have any conditioning for that?
01:08:32You know, actually, I was thinking maybe we can go a little shorter this time on the cut, if that's
01:08:36okay with you.
01:08:36Or maybe if we keep it red, I should just keep it long because that'll look like Tiffany.
01:08:40And actually, I was thinking about taking up singing, so...
01:08:54Hey, I told you girls that's roughy gillage. Great loins.
01:08:59Hey, what are you doing? Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, can I say one thing?
01:09:02One thing. I'd rather have you kill me than make me a gelding.
01:09:06We had a dog once and we fixed him and he was just never happy.
01:09:11Hey, can't we be reasonable about this?
01:09:13I mean, we're all people here, Pranas, non-Paranas.
01:09:17Hey, what's this? A little hot tub, actually, huh?
01:09:22Maybe I misjudged you girls.
01:09:25I think I might actually like this place.
01:09:28Oh, yeah.
01:09:30That's nice.
01:09:32Hey, you know, you're not such bad young ladies, after all.
01:09:36Somebody just had rough childhoods, right?
01:09:38Spoked a lot of pot in high school, parents were divorced, that kind of thing.
01:09:41Yeah.
01:09:42Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good.
01:09:44A little lower. A little lower.
01:09:46Yeah, it's a spot.
01:09:48I'll make circles.
01:09:51Just kidding.
01:09:53Boys, I see at least a couple of you girls on a treat a man around this crazy temple.
01:09:58You know, a lot of you Piranha gals, you probably just never met the right guy.
01:10:02And I bet you your terrific cook something around here smells fabulous.
01:10:08It's this bath water.
01:10:10This would make a hearty soup face, wouldn't it?
01:10:13Mmm.
01:10:15Hey, what's up, Doc?
01:10:19What goes...
01:10:21Hey, what...
01:10:22Oh, my God, you're marinating me!
01:10:25Hey!
01:10:25Let me out!
01:10:35We are the Barracuda women.
01:10:37We are the sworn enemies of the Piranha women.
01:10:40If you were escaping from them, you must be our friend.
01:10:50Thousands of years ago, the Piranha women and Barracuda women were as one.
01:10:54But we split over ideological differences.
01:10:58What were they?
01:10:59The Piranha women believe that men should be slaughtered and eaten with guacamole dip.
01:11:05And do you think that's wrong?
01:11:07Yes!
01:11:08We believe they should be eaten with clam dip.
01:11:12That's it?
01:11:14Clam dip?
01:11:15It's a fundamental principle.
01:11:16You people have been divided for thousands of years because of a kind of dip?
01:11:21Oh, that really makes me mad.
01:11:23Why is it women always argue over such petty differences?
01:11:26It's no wonder we couldn't get the ERA passed.
01:11:28Men can always seem to agree on football and beer.
01:11:32Well, that's it.
01:11:35We are going back to the Piranha women's temple.
01:11:37The women of this jungle must unite.
01:11:40And I'm going to settle a score with a certain renegade ethnographer.
01:11:57I think I'm going to like being a Piranha woman.
01:12:03What you do is you set up a joint committee consisting of equal numbers of Piranha women and Barracuda women.
01:12:09You meet bi-weekly, air any differences that might arise.
01:12:13And it's really that simple.
01:12:15So what we'll do is we'll organize it.
01:12:30I'll teach you.
01:12:31I'll teach you.
01:13:01Onward, women!
01:13:06Onward, women!
01:13:11Come on, move it!
01:13:13Come on!
01:13:22It's his field notes.
01:13:38It's an outline for a book.
01:13:47Okay, let's see.
01:13:49So, she's gonna make love to me. That's good.
01:13:53She's gonna kill me and eat me.
01:13:56That's bad.
01:13:58Why can't I ever have a completely good day?
01:14:02Here, Bunny.
01:14:03Drink of the elixir of the piranha women.
01:14:14Let the sacrifice begin.
01:14:25Bunny, please, put away that night.
01:14:27You don't know what you're doing.
01:14:29This whole crazy jungle's got you all mixed up.
01:14:32I know I don't do it.
01:14:34I want to become a piranha woman.
01:14:37Oh, my God. Your eyes.
01:14:40The strange elixir of the piranha woman has changed the color of your eyes.
01:14:44Pleasant, you're pretty hot-tech, stupid.
01:14:46Now, shut up or I've sacrificed you.
01:14:48You're welcome.
01:14:53Sorry I have to kill you.
01:14:55I really do think you were kinda cute.
01:14:57I really do think you were kinda cute.
01:14:59Bunny, please don't.
01:15:01Come on.
01:15:04I have to.
01:15:08What did Margo say?
01:15:09You're the only one.
01:15:11I killed her.
01:15:13I'll stand.
01:15:16Na-na-na.
01:15:17Na-na-na.
01:15:18No.
01:15:19No.
01:15:23No.
01:15:26No.
01:15:28No.
01:15:30No.
01:15:32Kill him.
01:15:34I can't.
01:15:35Do it.
01:15:40I can't.
01:15:42I love him.
01:15:55Put them both in the piranha pit.
01:15:59You know, that water is really going to stain this outfit.
01:16:02Wait!
01:16:04What now?
01:16:06According to the traditions of the piranha women,
01:16:09I challenge the empress of the avocado jungle
01:16:11to a battle for the right to the throne.
01:16:14That is your right.
01:16:16But I warn you, Margo,
01:16:17you haven't got a chance.
01:16:19We'll see.
01:16:31You handle yourself fairly well.
01:16:33I studied ancient weaponry at Berkeley.
01:16:36Professor Harris?
01:16:37No, Professor Johnson.
01:16:39Really?
01:16:40Professor Johnson at Stanford.
01:16:42Enough preliminaries.
01:16:44Yes.
01:16:47Why don't you tell the piranha women
01:16:49the real reason you became their leader?
01:16:51What are you talking about?
01:16:53I found your study.
01:16:55I read your notes.
01:16:57The outline for your book?
01:16:59You don't care about the piranha women.
01:17:01You just want to write a book about your experiences.
01:17:04That's not true.
01:17:07My Life as a Piranha Woman by Francine Kurtz?
01:17:10Catchy.
01:17:11She'll make the bestseller list.
01:17:13The media hype for the last book was fading.
01:17:16You needed something new to get back on the talk show, sir.
01:17:19Wasn't that right?
01:17:20Well, what better than an exposé
01:17:22on the piranha women's lives?
01:17:26Margo will win?
01:17:27Yeah.
01:17:29Do you remember those red liquor shops?
01:17:31Sure, in my backpack.
01:17:34I'll ask you some later.
01:17:36You were going to exploit their culture and traditions
01:17:39for a cheap paperback potboiler.
01:17:41A kiss, sacrifice, and tell book.
01:17:44All right.
01:17:45Anybody want to get action on Margo?
01:17:46The point spread is three against Dr. Kurtz.
01:17:48Huh?
01:17:49Anybody in on this?
01:17:51Chicks.
01:17:53It's true.
01:17:54I was planning a book.
01:17:56But it was going to be a scholarly work.
01:17:59Hardly, Kurtz.
01:18:00You spent too much time in the jungle.
01:18:02You've become a primitive yourself.
01:18:05I read your notes.
01:18:06Your field methodology is sloppy.
01:18:09Your conclusions shaking.
01:18:10Even share a heist and get away with the generalizations.
01:18:13You make it here, I'll find.
01:18:19You're no better than the chauvinists who sent us here.
01:18:22You'd exploit the piranha women for your own aggrandizement.
01:18:25You don't understand.
01:18:26I had...
01:18:34Francie.
01:18:35The pool.
01:18:36Watch it.
01:18:36Stay back.
01:18:39I don't understand.
01:18:42I had to do it.
01:18:46I'd been on the talk show circuit for six months.
01:18:48The token feminist.
01:18:50The butt of every bra-burning joke.
01:18:54You don't know what it's like trying to face David Letterman with a book on male insensitivity.
01:19:00I needed something more.
01:19:03I thought piranha women.
01:19:07Cannibalism.
01:19:10Who could laugh at me then?
01:19:12Oh, Francie.
01:19:13Stay back!
01:19:16Right.
01:19:18I was exploiting the piranha women.
01:19:22You don't know what it was like.
01:19:23David Letterman.
01:19:27God.
01:19:29The horror.
01:19:31Horror of that show.
01:19:35The horror.
01:19:37Francie!
01:20:00You're very wise, Dr. Hunt.
01:20:02Now all the women of the jungle shall be united.
01:20:04Now that you are united, you may want to reconsider your relationships with the men in your tribe.
01:20:10There are other ways of relating to them besides as foodstuffs.
01:20:15We shall consider what you have said and discuss it at our bi-weekly committee meetings.
01:20:22Farewell.
01:20:23May you make it safely home.
01:20:27Bye-bye.
01:20:28Yeah.
01:20:29Keep in touch.
01:20:32Okay.
01:20:33There you go.
01:20:36Where's my gun?
01:20:38Oh, the gun.
01:20:40Um...
01:20:41Hey.
01:20:42Let me carry the gun.
01:20:43Just to the edge of the jungle.
01:20:45Come on.
01:20:46I mean, you drove and everything.
01:20:47Let me carry the gun.
01:20:49You know, all the piranha chicks are watching.
01:20:52I should carry the gun.
01:20:57Thanks.
01:20:59Hey, it's not loaded, is it?
01:21:15After the medical checkup with the value prescriptions, there'll be tea with Nancy Reagan.
01:21:20Day two, we will start out with a seminar by fawn hall on office relations.
01:21:25I don't know.
01:21:26Then, then comes the political orientation.
01:21:30Yeah, and we got Billy Schlafly on standby.
01:21:34Hopefully it won't be long before Miss Hunt rounds these girls up.
01:21:39Ford, I gotta hand it to you.
01:21:41Using a feminist to dupe a bunch of feminists.
01:21:43Well, women aren't that smart.
01:21:47Women.
01:21:48Hey, how's your wife?
01:21:51It's over.
01:21:53Oh.
01:21:57Dr. Hunt.
01:21:59How long have you been standing there?
01:22:02You didn't hear...
01:22:03Anything I didn't already know.
01:22:09Well, Francine told me all about your dirty little plan.
01:22:13Kurtz?
01:22:14And you found her?
01:22:15David Letterman keeps calling, but we don't know what to tell him.
01:22:19I'm afraid Dr. Kurtz won't be doing any more talk shows.
01:22:21She's dead.
01:22:23Dead?
01:22:24How?
01:22:27She died trying to protect the cultural heritage of a primitive society.
01:22:35Not so fast, Professor.
01:22:37We're not finished with you yet.
01:22:40Your, uh, your university...
01:22:43Nothing's going to happen to my university.
01:22:45Except that the Defense Department will provide a generous grant to Feminist Studies
01:22:49for research on expanding women's opportunities in the military.
01:22:54You are mad.
01:22:56Otherwise, I go on the David Letterman show myself
01:22:58and tell him about the Marines
01:23:00and the millions of dollars of equipment lost in the avocado jungle.
01:23:03Not to mention the diversion of funds to pay for Malibu condos
01:23:06and subscriptions to Cosmopolitan.
01:23:09I can just imagine the sarcastic look on David's face when he...
01:23:13You went.
01:23:15Don't tempt me.
01:23:23Women.
01:23:39Dr. Hahn, I've got to talk to you.
01:23:41Bunny, what's going on?
01:23:42I'm getting married to Jim in ten minutes, but I don't know.
01:23:45Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
01:23:47Well...
01:23:47I mean, what would be better?
01:23:49Getting married, being a housewife,
01:23:50handing a bunch of kids,
01:23:51watching Jim get old and fat,
01:23:53or...
01:23:56Or finish school and become the first woman president?
01:23:59Well, Bunny, that's a strictly personal decision.
01:24:02Well, I'd rather just be a housewife,
01:24:04but I just don't want to disappoint you
01:24:06after all you've taught me about...
01:24:08Bunny, Bunny, you don't have to live your life to please me.
01:24:11The important thing is that you're happy.
01:24:13And as for what I've taught you, well...
01:24:15Listen, I've always believed that every woman
01:24:17should get as much education
01:24:19and intellectual stimulation as possible,
01:24:21and that she should develop her mental abilities
01:24:24to their utmost potential.
01:24:26But in your case...
01:24:28Well, there's just no point.
01:24:31Really?
01:24:32Then I should marry him.
01:24:35If that's what you want, yes.
01:24:39And I take it we have your blessing?
01:24:41Don't push it.
01:24:46Then I will marry Jim.
01:24:48But I just feel so sorry for you.
01:24:50I mean, I'm going to be leaving you here all alone,
01:24:52and you're going to be losing one of your best students.
01:24:54Oh, who?
01:24:55Me!
01:24:57Oh!
01:24:58Well, don't worry, Bunny.
01:24:59There'll be other students.
01:25:01Well, this is it, Miss Hunt.
01:25:04Bye.
01:25:05I'll call you.
01:25:07Collect.
01:25:09Jim!
01:25:11Bye!
01:25:11Thanks for everything.
01:25:13Bye.
01:25:14Bye-bye.
01:25:15Bye-bye.
01:25:39Oh, Jean-Pierre, good to see you.
01:25:41Did you get all the classes you wanted?
01:25:43Yes.
01:25:43I got all the courses you told me to take.
01:25:46Introduction to Feminism,
01:25:47Understanding Human Relationships,
01:25:49The Sensitive Male.
01:25:50I want to thank you so much for helping me, Doctor.
01:25:53Oh, my pleasure.
01:25:55Call me Margot.
01:25:56server��습니다.
01:26:14Oh, my God.
01:26:15So, my little continuar.
01:26:15I want to thank you so much for helping me.
01:26:16Bye-bye.
01:26:17Bye-bye.
01:26:22Bye-bye.
01:26:25Ralphie.
01:26:26Bye-bye.