- 50 minutes ago
- #cultclassics
- #bmovie
- #retrocomedy
Welcome back to our vintage cinema archive, your ultimate digital space for premium restorations of golden age Hollywood, rare B-movies, and essential cult classics. Today, we invite you to brave the wildest, most hilarious frontier in late-1980s cinema: the magnificent 1989 cult comedy parody masterpiece, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
Written and directed by J.F. Lawton (who famously went on to script the blockbuster Pretty Woman), this brilliantly witty satire stands out as a definitive high point of late-80s independent B-movie cinema. The hilarious narrative begins when the United States government faces a severe national crisis: a massive shortage of avocados. The nation's vital supply is entirely controlled by the Piranha Women, an ancient, fiercely independent tribe of fierce warriors who reside deep within an uncharted, hazardous jungle tracking across Southern California. To negotiate a trade agreement, the government recruits Dr. Margo Hunt (Shannon Tweed), a brilliant professor of feminist studies. Joined by her naive student Bunny (Adrienne Barbeau) and a hopelessly chauvinistic, incompetent jungle guide named Jim (Bill Maher), Dr. Hunt leads a wild expedition into the bush. Along the grueling journey, the trio must survive absurd wilderness traps, bizarre cultural clashes, and the constant threat of being eaten by the jungle's dangerous, avocado-loving inhabitants.
Featuring razor-sharp satirical dialogue, campy practical effects, and standout comedic performances from its iconic cast, this feature remains a beloved milestone of late-80s home video culture. Our channel is fiercely dedicated to preserving historic and alternative film treasures, offering a curated library of rare B-movies, retro comedies, classic westerns, gritty film noir thrillers, and maritime swashbucklers.
If you love exploring high-quality archives of full-length 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s cult features, please support our movie preservation mission by liking this video, leaving a comment below to share your thoughts, and subscribing for daily classic cinema releases!
#CultClassics #BMovie #RetroComedy
Written and directed by J.F. Lawton (who famously went on to script the blockbuster Pretty Woman), this brilliantly witty satire stands out as a definitive high point of late-80s independent B-movie cinema. The hilarious narrative begins when the United States government faces a severe national crisis: a massive shortage of avocados. The nation's vital supply is entirely controlled by the Piranha Women, an ancient, fiercely independent tribe of fierce warriors who reside deep within an uncharted, hazardous jungle tracking across Southern California. To negotiate a trade agreement, the government recruits Dr. Margo Hunt (Shannon Tweed), a brilliant professor of feminist studies. Joined by her naive student Bunny (Adrienne Barbeau) and a hopelessly chauvinistic, incompetent jungle guide named Jim (Bill Maher), Dr. Hunt leads a wild expedition into the bush. Along the grueling journey, the trio must survive absurd wilderness traps, bizarre cultural clashes, and the constant threat of being eaten by the jungle's dangerous, avocado-loving inhabitants.
Featuring razor-sharp satirical dialogue, campy practical effects, and standout comedic performances from its iconic cast, this feature remains a beloved milestone of late-80s home video culture. Our channel is fiercely dedicated to preserving historic and alternative film treasures, offering a curated library of rare B-movies, retro comedies, classic westerns, gritty film noir thrillers, and maritime swashbucklers.
If you love exploring high-quality archives of full-length 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s cult features, please support our movie preservation mission by liking this video, leaving a comment below to share your thoughts, and subscribing for daily classic cinema releases!
#CultClassics #BMovie #RetroComedy
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:43CastingWords
00:01:10CastingWords
00:01:44CastingWords
00:02:14CastingWords
00:02:24It's down.
00:02:25Yeah?
00:02:25I think we should take it after you.
00:02:26It's a minute or two.
00:02:27Tom, no.
00:02:29Wait a second.
00:02:30What's that I hear?
00:02:33Sounds like...
00:02:34What?
00:02:37Let's get out of here.
00:02:38No, no, come on, man.
00:02:39Don't be such a coward.
00:02:40Let's check this out.
00:03:02Look at them.
00:03:04They're beautiful.
00:03:06Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?
00:03:11Let's get out of here.
00:03:12What are you, nuts?
00:03:13Look at them.
00:03:16They're dangerous.
00:03:17They don't look dangerous.
00:03:19They look lonely.
00:03:22I'm going to get out of here.
00:03:24I'm going to go introduce myself.
00:03:26Yoo-hoo!
00:03:27Ladies!
00:03:29Ladies!
00:03:33Ladies!
00:03:34Ladies!
00:03:39Ladies!
00:03:41Ladies!
00:03:57Ladies!
00:03:57Ladies!
00:04:07Ladies!
00:04:07Ladies!
00:04:08Ladies!
00:04:08Ladies!
00:04:27Oh, my God.
00:04:38Come on, girls.
00:04:40Please, please.
00:04:42Uh, friends?
00:04:45Come on, guys.
00:04:48I just want an avocado.
00:04:54Throughout history, dominant sex would subjugate the weaker,
00:04:58just as the Chinese bound the feet of young girls
00:05:00to cripple them into helplessness.
00:05:02So did the Amazon women break the legs of boys
00:05:05to make them subservient.
00:05:07Is it possible for men and women to coexist as equals?
00:05:12That's the subject we'll tackle in our next class.
00:05:22Dr. Hahn, I really love your class.
00:05:25Oh, thank you, Bunny. You can call me Margo.
00:05:27I like it so much. I've been thinking about changing my major
00:05:30from home economics to feminist studies,
00:05:31but I wasn't sure if you had any feminist cooking classes.
00:05:35I don't think we do, no?
00:05:38Interesting thought, though.
00:05:43I mean, the idea of being socially conditioned to be a sex object.
00:05:47Wait until I tell the girls in the sorority.
00:05:49Bunny, I think you should take a few more classes in women's studies
00:05:52before you decide to switch majors.
00:05:54But, Dr. Hahn, I know I want to be a liberated girl.
00:05:56I can just feel it in my toes.
00:05:58It could be those pointy boots.
00:06:00Uh, Margo.
00:06:01Please, Stockwell.
00:06:02Dr. Hunt, these gentlemen from the United States government
00:06:04would like to talk to you.
00:06:06This is Mr. Ford Maddox, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
00:06:08and Colonel Mattel, National Security Commission, Avocado Affairs.
00:06:13Avocado Affairs?
00:06:14Uh, Miss Hunt, this is a matter of national importance.
00:06:16We need to speak through reading.
00:06:17Alone.
00:06:19Dr. Hunt, 98% of the avocados produced in the United States
00:06:23come from the state of California.
00:06:25Most of these come from a jungle area
00:06:28that spreads from Bakersfield to the Mexican border.
00:06:32The avocado belt.
00:06:33I'm aware of that.
00:06:35What does it have to do with me?
00:06:36Miss Hunt, maybe you don't get the point.
00:06:39Avocados are vital to this nation's security interests.
00:06:42For the communists already in control of Nicaragua and Guatemala
00:06:45and El Salvador strife with revolution,
00:06:48California is the last secure supply of avocados in the free world.
00:06:52We're on the verge of a major avocado gap with the Soviet Union.
00:06:56Back in the Kremlin, Gorbachev is just chuckling over his taquitos.
00:07:00I still don't see what that has to do with me.
00:07:02Doctor, have you ever taken a loyalty oath?
00:07:05Colonel, let me handle this.
00:07:08As I was saying, most of the avocados from the United States
00:07:11come from the avocado belt,
00:07:13but they are harvested only on the perimeter of the jungle.
00:07:16Because, as we all know, the interior is completely wild and uncharted.
00:07:22Anyone that strays too close to the heart of the avocado jungle never returns.
00:07:26Why?
00:07:28That's a very good question, Bonnie.
00:07:32Perhaps Dr. Hunt would like to answer it.
00:07:38It's only a legend, really.
00:07:40We're convinced that they're real.
00:07:42Who?
00:07:44The piranha women.
00:07:46Piranha women?
00:07:47Who are they?
00:07:49They're an ancient commune of feminists.
00:07:52So radical, so militant, so left of center, they...
00:07:58they eat their men.
00:07:59Oh, that.
00:08:00Well, if I like a guy, you should start a...
00:08:02They don't eat their men like that, Bonnie.
00:08:04More like a black widow spider.
00:08:06They have sex with their men and they kill them.
00:08:09Then they...
00:08:11tear them into strips like beef jerky and eat them with guacamole.
00:08:15So legend has it.
00:08:17They are more than a legend.
00:08:18They're a major agricultural problem.
00:08:21It used to be safe for avocado pickers
00:08:23to venture within 20 miles of the jungle's edge.
00:08:26But lately, the piranha women have broadened their hold.
00:08:29No one is safe anywhere in the avocado belt.
00:08:31Well, if they're that much trouble,
00:08:33why don't you just send in the troops and round them up?
00:08:35Colonel Mattel?
00:08:37Fact is, we tried.
00:08:38We sent in three divisions,
00:08:40armored with air support.
00:08:41The best men we have.
00:08:43And?
00:08:44They got whooped.
00:08:46They didn't play fair.
00:08:48Our men are trained for state-of-the-art, high-tech warfare.
00:08:52Piranha women were using knives and spears.
00:08:55Officers got confused and they...
00:08:58Well...
00:08:59We found these at the edge of the jungle.
00:09:03Dog tags?
00:09:04Look closely.
00:09:05They're covered with guacamole dip.
00:09:08Ew.
00:09:10Now do you get my point, doctor?
00:09:12Your sisters in the jungle are eating the few and the proud!
00:09:15Control yourself, Colonel.
00:09:18Look, naturally we would prefer a military solution.
00:09:20But frankly, the US military hasn't had a lot of luck
00:09:23in jungle warfare lately.
00:09:25So we're forced to negotiate with the Piranha women.
00:09:29That's where you come in.
00:09:31We want you to go into the jungle and try to reason
00:09:36with these man-eaters.
00:09:37I can't do that, Mr. Maddox.
00:09:39We just want the Piranha women to move out of the avocado jungle
00:09:43to a reservation in Malapu.
00:09:50Deluxe condominiums.
00:09:52Pool, sauna, ample parking.
00:09:55Total luxury living.
00:09:57We are even willing at the government's expense
00:09:59to convert the exercise room
00:10:01so that they may maintain their bizarre sacrificial rituals.
00:10:05Let me come to the point.
00:10:06We don't care that these girls want to eat their men.
00:10:10That's the Piranha man's problem.
00:10:13We just want the avocados.
00:10:18We're willing to pay for them.
00:10:21I'm sorry, the answer's still no.
00:10:26Why?
00:10:27Just like you girls to stick together.
00:10:29Why don't you tell us a real reason you're not going to go into that jungle?
00:10:33If you'd like to see the United States humiliated by a communist avocado yield,
00:10:37I think you'd like to eat me right now, wouldn't you, Dr. Hunt?
00:10:40Dr. Hunt, would you?
00:10:41Colonel, control yourself.
00:10:46Dr. Hunt is a respected middle-of-the-road feminist.
00:10:51And I'm sure she'll be happy to cooperate with us,
00:10:54especially when she considers how much this university depends upon grants
00:10:58from the Defense Department for its space weaponry program.
00:11:04And if Ms. Hunt, Dr. Hunt, is still unable to see the logic in assisting us,
00:11:11why, I'm sure Dean Stockwell will explain it to her.
00:11:14Won't you, Dean?
00:11:17Now, now, now, Jack.
00:11:20I will not tolerate tactics of this kind.
00:11:24This university is a bastion of intellectual freedom,
00:11:26and I am sworn to protect that freedom.
00:11:29I will not tolerate my professors being coerced into anything against their will,
00:11:35no matter how much political pressure is put on me personally.
00:11:42Margo, you will do exactly as they tell you,
00:11:45or I will cut your funding off and you can kiss your tenure goodbye. Comprehendo?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50The real question here is whether or not this project is worthy of Spritzer College's involvement.
00:11:56What do you say, Doc?
00:11:59Guess I'm going in the jungle.
00:12:01Terrific. Nice seeing you.
00:12:03Thanks again for your help, Dean.
00:12:04Oh, any time.
00:12:05Mr. Maddox, there's something you're not telling me.
00:12:10Why? What do you mean?
00:12:12You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist you sent in to try and reason with the piranha
00:12:16women.
00:12:16What's really going on in that jungle?
00:12:18I suppose you have the right to know the truth.
00:12:21Two years ago, we sent into the avocado jungle a leading feminist scholar, Dr. Kurtz.
00:12:27Dr. Kurtz?
00:12:29Internationally famous author of Smart Women, Stupid, Insensitive Men?
00:12:33Yes.
00:12:34That explains her sudden disappearance from the talk show circuit.
00:12:38What happened to her?
00:12:40We really don't know.
00:12:41She may have been killed or perhaps the holding a prisoner.
00:12:44It was shortly after her expedition that the piranha women went on the rampage.
00:12:50Well, I guess now that you know, you refuse to go.
00:12:56Quite the contrary.
00:12:58Now I know I must go.
00:13:02No, Bunny, you can't come.
00:13:04Dr. Hart, why can't I go with you?
00:13:05Bunny, look, nobody's ever returned from the avocado jungle.
00:13:10There'll be countless dangers and perils along the way.
00:13:12You can't take a sophomore into the wilderness.
00:13:14You don't have the skills or training.
00:13:16And besides, you haven't even finished your general ed requirements.
00:13:19Now, I'm sorry, Bunny, it's just too dangerous.
00:13:24Bunny, baby!
00:13:25Hey, good looking, how you doing?
00:13:28Hi, Chuckie.
00:13:29Hi, Bunny Babe.
00:13:31Super party boys at the Delta Epsilon are having another super party this Friday night.
00:13:36You're not doing anything, are you?
00:13:38Well, I wanted to do something, but I guess I'm not.
00:13:41Great, great.
00:13:42Look, this is going to be a toga party and a beer bust.
00:13:45And for special girls like you, we are going to be having a wet t-shirt contest.
00:13:50But all my t-shirts are dry.
00:13:55Bunny, don't worry about that.
00:13:57The fraternity brothers, we're going to take care of you, Bunny.
00:14:00You ever do any mud wrestling?
00:14:02I...
00:14:03You're coming with me.
00:14:04I get to go?
00:14:05You'd be safer in the jungle.
00:14:07Come on, Chuckie.
00:14:09Patricia, have those filing cabinets I ordered come in yet?
00:14:12No, I've had them on back order for two weeks.
00:14:15Never mind.
00:14:16I'm going to do some field research and I need some supplies.
00:14:20Okay, three legal size pads.
00:14:23Ten manila envelopes.
00:14:27Dictaphone recorder.
00:14:29And four one hour tapes.
00:14:31I'll need a bowie knife, first aid kit.
00:14:35A hundred feet of nylon mountain climbing rope.
00:14:38Breach loading revolver and holster.
00:14:42A thousand rounds of ammunition.
00:14:44Full metal jacket, hollow point or Teflon coated.
00:14:48Which do you think would be best for fighting the dangers that lurk inside a hostile jungle environment?
00:14:53I would alternate hollow and Teflon bullets in the chamber.
00:14:57That way you have maximum stopping power, but still armor-piercing capability.
00:15:08Dr. Hunt!
00:15:10Yoo-hoo!
00:15:13Yoo-hoo!
00:15:14I'm ready!
00:15:16Oh, Bunny.
00:15:17Don't you think you could have worn something a little more practical?
00:15:19We're going into uncharted jungle.
00:15:21Well, I'd take a pair of flax in my suitcase.
00:15:26Well, never mind.
00:15:27If you get in trouble, you can wear something in line.
00:15:29Oh, good.
00:15:29I'm ready.
00:15:34Aunt, I brought along some great lingerie we can do.
00:16:05Why do the piranha women eat their men?
00:16:08Well, primitive cultures often use overly simplistic methods of dealing with inter-tribal conflicts.
00:16:13The piranha women probably figured that the problems that arise between men and women naturally in any relationship are best
00:16:20solved by ritualized killing.
00:16:23Do a lot of feminists see men?
00:16:25No, Bunny.
00:16:27Well, not many.
00:16:29You have to understand that the piranha women are a primitive, ancient, radical offshoot of the women's movement.
00:16:35And most feminists, like myself and Dr. Kurtz, believe in equality between the sexes, not the domination of women over
00:16:41men.
00:16:42And there aren't any modern feminists that advocate cannibalism.
00:16:46At least not since the sixties.
00:17:07San Bernardino.
00:17:09A rough speck of civilization on the edge of the avocado belt.
00:17:13We'll head down to some local establishments and see if we can find a mercenary to guide us through the
00:17:17jungle.
00:17:18I've never been to San Bernardino before.
00:17:22Don't worry, Bunny.
00:17:25Are you all right?
00:17:59Hey, chickies. Can I buy you a drink?
00:18:02No, thanks.
00:18:05When I offer a chick a drink, I explain...
00:18:07I am not a chick.
00:18:09I'm an ethno-historian with a doctorate in cultural anthropology. Got that?
00:18:13Yes, doctor.
00:18:14Good. Now, I understand that your compulsion to assault women verbally stems from a constant exposure to violent and sexist
00:18:20images from a male-dominated media.
00:18:22Therefore, I won't blow a hole in your head.
00:18:39I'm from the Department of Feminist Studies at Spritzer College.
00:18:42I want to hire a mercenary for a very dangerous job.
00:18:52I'm Anvil.
00:18:54A crazy ex-Vietnam vet who hires himself out to the highest bidder.
00:19:01I can break, pillage, and napalm an entire South East Asian village, single-handedly.
00:19:18I am Bushido, the world's greatest ninja. I am a killing machine, master of all the deadly arts. And if
00:19:26you need a mercenary to kill and to maim, I am the best.
00:19:45I am the Block Mask Avenger, world champion wrestler, and weight lifter. I don't need no weapons or guns. I
00:19:57can crush man with my bare hands.
00:20:00I can squish him, smash him, and plumb him. Look at this!
00:20:12Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:20:23so what is your job you want to burn down a small town attack an impenetrable fortress
00:20:35I need a guy to take him to the avocado jungle I want to make contact with the piranha
00:20:48excuse me I got a bunch of center counseling maybe next time I forgot I I'm busy there's a showing
00:20:58of
00:20:58something somebody I did the newer and bye go on Nutrisystem yeah lose a little weight jungle trip
00:21:09is out of the question right well let that be a lesson to you bunny a bunch of violent brutes
00:21:15wrapped up in a blanket of mail machismo well they're happy to victimize the helpless but one
00:21:20thing sends them scurrying away one thing strips their phony courage the threat of a strong woman
00:21:26not so fast dr. Margot hunt ms ethno historian there are still some real men left in this world
00:21:34men who haven't been castrated by the years of feminist propaganda that corrupted the public
00:21:39school system infected primetime television men who believe that nature designed women to cook
00:21:45nurture children and pose for penthouse magazine real men see our role in this world is to love
00:21:52protect and yes I'm not afraid to say it dominate women
00:22:03I'll go into the avocado jungle with you I'll lead you to the piranha women
00:22:08I'm man enough to face the dangers that lurk in the dark bosom of the jungle
00:22:27I'm not afraid of the piranha women any more than I'm afraid of a certain ethno historian who
00:22:34terrified of her own frailty and need to be loved abandoned her femininity in a bizarre charade of
00:22:40scholarship and androgyny Jim what are you doing here you know him dr. hunt sure she knows me bunny
00:22:48dr. hunt and I are old friends aren't we margot well we were in love once desperately and passionately
00:22:56in love that was a long time ago wasn't it margot back when your mind wasn't filled with bizarre
00:23:03feminist notions about the meaninglessness of love back then you were the most giving passionate woman
00:23:08I'd ever met in my life turned my whole world upside down for you you shared her innermost thoughts
00:23:14and feelings you made plans big plans plans for life together and then you dumped me flat because
00:23:22I didn't turn out to be the sort of man who fit in neatly with the feminist tommy rod you
00:23:26were being
00:23:27force-fed by your professors it was a one-night stand I was half drunk and left right after we
00:23:32had
00:23:32sex we didn't say eight words to each other and all yours were composed of one syllable
00:23:36just like you to count the words dr. hunt what you never understood is there are some feelings that
00:23:41can't be measured in words some moments that last an eternity you toyed with my affections and after
00:23:46you crushed my heart I crawled into a whiskey bottle and I haven't come out since you left for
00:23:51Hawaii the next day with a bimbo in the cafeteria
00:23:57well yeah but uh I had made that date a week before and uh besides the second I got back
00:24:02from
00:24:03Hawaii I rolled into a whiskey bottle and I haven't come out since
00:24:06oh let's go bunny wait said you needed a guide
00:24:11I'm the best
00:24:13well I've changed my mind
00:24:15we'll do without one
00:24:16fat chance you don't last ten minutes in that jungle without me
00:24:21I can take care of myself
00:24:22not in the avocado jungle you can't
00:24:25you know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake
00:24:28you know where the only land root is around the white waters of death
00:24:31you know the way through the secret maze caves that lie underneath hangman's cliff
00:24:35huh do you
00:24:37well no I don't
00:24:39do you
00:24:40well no but uh
00:24:41I have this paperback
00:24:45I'll buy my own book
00:24:46it's out of print
00:24:50you as a guide how much
00:24:53oh isn't that fine just like you to treat me like a gigolo and offer me money after all we
00:24:58meant to each other
00:24:58how much
00:24:59twenty five thousand dollars
00:25:00forget it
00:25:01fifty bucks
00:25:01okay
00:25:04that's uh fifty plus expensive
00:25:09now Tim I don't care what happened to us before that's all in the past
00:25:13I've hired you as a guide with the understanding that our relationship will be strictly professional from here on in
00:25:18whatever you say honey buns
00:25:23get out
00:25:25okay okay
00:25:25you're right
00:25:26I just slept
00:25:28strictly professional it's the way you want it
00:25:29I guess it's the way it'll be
00:25:30I'll be good really
00:25:31promise
00:25:40I guess sharing a sleeping bag is out then
00:26:01this is it
00:26:02the avocado jungle
00:26:05doesn't look like a jungle
00:26:08the outer regions aren't very overgrown but foliage gets thicker the deeper you go
00:26:13we're gonna have to leave the jeep here and continue on foot
00:26:16yeah well you girls better hang back this could be dangerous
00:26:19I don't want to make any misstep
00:26:20are you okay
00:26:24yeah
00:26:24yeah just uh
00:26:25checking the tires
00:26:28yeah they're good
00:26:29I'll uh
00:26:30I'll look at the oil later
00:26:31you wrecked my nails
00:26:38here it is
00:26:39the avocado jungle
00:26:41look around you bunny
00:26:43in front of us
00:26:44the lush untouched rainforest of the last surviving matriarchy
00:26:48behind us the polluted patriarchy of western civilization
00:26:52we're leaving a world dominated by men
00:26:55and entering one ruled by women
00:26:58whoop-de-doo
00:26:59just keep bashing men
00:27:01in a couple days you'll be dying for a burger king out here
00:27:04I doubt it
00:27:05you know
00:27:06you're always bitching and moaning about men and the way we run things
00:27:10but let's face it
00:27:11who could have ever invented but a man the 64 DTO
00:27:14or for that matter the corvette stingery
00:27:16any ear any model
00:27:17all you women have ever done is what
00:27:19some french chick invented kryptonite or something
00:27:22the important things like beer and meat
00:27:25that was all men
00:27:25yeah it's hard to imagine a woman inventing nuclear weapons
00:27:28exactly
00:27:28and where would we be without them
00:27:29and the nazi blitzkrieg seemed like a male idea
00:27:31not to mention south african apartheid
00:27:33how about world war one
00:27:34the crusades
00:27:34the spanish inquisition
00:27:36the rape of shanghai
00:27:37so men have done a lot of things
00:27:40uh
00:27:41elvis presley
00:27:42janis joplin
00:27:44pat
00:27:44donovar
00:27:46how about tammy baker
00:27:48jim baker
00:27:48jerry fallwell
00:27:49jimmy swagger
00:27:50jessica hunt
00:27:51faunhall
00:27:51done or right
00:27:54joseph mccarthy
00:27:55richard nixon
00:27:56joan rivers
00:27:59joan rivers
00:27:59i like joan rivers
00:28:00i think she's funny
00:28:01well i think nixon's funny
00:28:27you're just packing at branches on the side
00:28:31jim what are you doing
00:28:32yeah but i just bought the machete
00:28:34it seemed like a shame not to use it
00:28:36anyway it's good practice when the jungle really gets thick you know
00:28:39sometimes i swing two or three then it's really light
00:28:41i think you look really happy with a machete
00:28:45jim what are you doing
00:28:45well thank you bunny
00:28:46come on you two we've got a lot of ground to cover before night
00:28:49let's keep our plates
00:28:51no no boy girl boy girl
00:28:52no that's the way you do it in the jungle
00:28:55hey
00:28:57want some
00:28:58yeah
00:29:00what is that
00:29:02pina colada
00:29:04where's bunny
00:29:06bunny
00:29:06she's right
00:29:08bunny
00:29:10bunny
00:29:11bunny
00:29:14bunny
00:29:15kitty
00:29:18kitty
00:29:18kitty
00:29:19here
00:29:19oh
00:29:21kitty
00:29:22nice kitty
00:29:24are you lost?
00:29:27huh?
00:29:27where's your home?
00:29:30what do you like to eat?
00:29:32look at your eyes
00:29:33bunny
00:29:34oh no
00:29:36bunny
00:29:38bye
00:29:43bye
00:29:44bye
00:29:45this is bunny
00:29:50bunny
00:29:50bunny
00:29:52bunny
00:29:53oh
00:29:54curling iron
00:29:55and our indiana jones warmth box
00:29:58bunny
00:29:58oh look at all this stuff
00:30:00milk duds good and plenty nutty buddies
00:30:03i had a feeling she was holding out on us
00:30:06bunny
00:30:07i just found a big kitty
00:30:09where have you been?
00:30:10don't you know it's dangerous in the jungle?
00:30:12don't you know it's dangerous to hold out on your friends?
00:30:14ow
00:30:15i have a band-aid
00:30:18i have a band-aid
00:30:25do you have any idea where we are?
00:30:27of course i know where we are
00:30:29i know exactly where we are
00:30:30oh
00:30:31we're uh
00:30:34let me see that
00:30:36honey honey honey please
00:30:39i know you think you know everything about everything but
00:30:41i'm so reading maps i happen to be an expert
00:30:45all right now our best chance of finding the piranha woman is to take the rio santa rosa river
00:30:51it runs the length of the avocado jungle
00:30:53and it is i believe their primary source of fresh water
00:30:56well maybe we can build a raft and float downstream
00:31:00yeah good whatever
00:31:01all right now according to my calculations with the north star overhead
00:31:07and the moon rising easterly
00:31:09and allowing for a wind factor of five
00:31:13the river should be approximately 23.6 miles away
00:31:17should take us about two days to get there
00:31:18twenty three miles?
00:31:20but the jungle is so lush and green around here
00:31:22are you sure it's not closer?
00:31:23sweetie sweetie sweetie please
00:31:26one thing i know is how to read a map
00:31:30if you will excuse me i'm gonna go to a little boys room
00:31:33and uh make yourselves busy
00:31:34god women you know
00:31:35i think you found the river
00:31:52maybe that isn't the north star
00:31:58they're all dry now but i want to get the wrinkles off
00:32:01maybe you could put a neat military crease across the front panels of the pants and shirt
00:32:06oh sure
00:32:08you sure i got a little homemaker bunny
00:32:10thanks i've been taking home economics for two years now
00:32:13but i'm switching my major to feminist studies
00:32:16what would you want to do that for?
00:32:18i want to expand my mind
00:32:21why?
00:32:23gee i don't know
00:32:24maybe i could become the first woman president or something
00:32:32i followed the river for about half a mile
00:32:34there's the wreckage of a small boat something near the shore
00:32:37now it's salvageable
00:32:38we could use it to travel downstream
00:32:41i wonder what it was doing this deep into the jungle
00:32:43the partner
00:32:45you know it?
00:32:48yes
00:32:49yes i know it
00:32:53it was a long long time ago
00:32:56i was young
00:32:57very young
00:32:58stupid
00:33:00very stupid
00:33:01i made a mistake
00:33:03arab pilgrims
00:33:04nasty business
00:33:05i panicked
00:33:06it drummed out of the merchant marine
00:33:08spent the next three years of my life criss-crossing the globe
00:33:11trying to live it down
00:33:14i'm sorry
00:33:14i don't want to talk about it
00:33:17whatever
00:33:18after that i crawled into a whiskey bottle
00:33:20oh tim please
00:33:21not the whiskey bottle
00:33:27poor jimmy doesn't have a tent
00:33:31bunny
00:33:31you'll be all right
00:33:32it's a warm night
00:33:34listen
00:33:36isn't it beautiful
00:33:42he is awfully good
00:34:01you're kinda tough on him
00:34:03yeah
00:34:05he said he loved you
00:34:08i doubt that
00:34:10it never would have worked out
00:34:12he's an egotistical
00:34:14chauvinistic
00:34:15klutz
00:34:16i think he's kinda cute
00:34:22well
00:34:22maybe i am a little hard on him
00:34:26funny
00:34:26it's just that he
00:34:28he represents my failures
00:34:30failures? you?
00:34:32sure we all have him
00:34:34can i tell you a secret
00:34:35i've never told anyone before
00:34:37sure
00:34:38in a way jim is right
00:34:41i am afraid of men
00:34:43my relationships have been
00:34:45well
00:34:46i've had a lot of women at stands
00:34:49a little to drink
00:34:50you don't give myself an excuse
00:34:52and i subconsciously fall for jerks
00:34:55i know i'll never be emotionally involved with
00:34:58it's all so empty
00:35:00passionless really
00:35:02i guess deep down i'm afraid
00:35:05that there can never be any real respect or equality between the sexes
00:35:10not really
00:35:11i've avoided commitment because i'm afraid i'll be emotionally dominated by my lover
00:35:16or equally as sad that i dominate him
00:35:21i guess that seems kinda strange
00:35:24can i tell you something too dr hunt
00:35:25something i've never told anybody before
00:35:27of course bunny i'm glad we got to share this
00:35:30well sometimes when i'm with a guy
00:35:32i wish they'd tie me up with red licorice ropes
00:35:36and then spank me
00:35:38and then he'd eat the ropes
00:35:40and then he'd free me
00:35:43and then we'd make love with a philharmonic play bolero
00:35:48thank you bunny
00:35:50you've really put my thoughts in perspective
00:35:53i feel better too
00:35:54i feel
00:35:56hey
00:35:57can you buy the licorice?
00:36:00no thanks
00:36:01hey you bun
00:36:03come out your foot long
00:36:04come on in the end i'll meet you in the middle
00:36:07no thanks
00:36:09here you go
00:36:18let's go
00:36:18let's see if this boat floats huh? what do you say?
00:36:20and over here on the left we have the tribal head hunter and traiter
00:36:23we have the tribal headhunter and trader
00:36:24he's got a special for us today
00:36:25it's a two-for-one
00:36:26two of his heads for one of yours
00:36:28we have any taker
00:36:30and this is incredible we can notice he has the entire speech on the jungle boat ride at disneyland
00:36:35That'll be useful.
00:36:37I can do the tiki room, too.
00:36:39You know everything.
00:36:39Can you steer the boat?
00:36:43Hey, I know adventure land like the back of my hand.
00:36:47Of course, this boat can't be much different.
00:36:50What was that?
00:36:52Something under the boat. Something big.
00:36:53Nah, it's probably just a rock.
00:36:56Hardly.
00:36:59A hippo, look!
00:37:01A hippo? California?
00:37:03The Palm Springs hippo.
00:37:04It's a lighter version than its African cousins
00:37:06because of a low-cholesterol diet.
00:37:08But it's just as deadly.
00:37:10Oh, my God, it's charging at the boat.
00:37:11We're gonna die!
00:37:13Don't let it go, science, Jim!
00:37:15Hard aboard! Hard aboard!
00:37:16Board, is that left or right?
00:37:18Left! Left!
00:37:21Did it start?
00:37:23I think so.
00:37:25What?
00:37:26Did its ears wiggle when it started to get close to us?
00:37:29Yeah, their ears wiggle and they're angry.
00:37:31Yeah.
00:37:31This is not the Disneyland jungle boat ride.
00:37:35Get real, folks.
00:37:36We were almost killed.
00:38:13Oh, gee.
00:38:17Someone in the bushes.
00:38:18Here you go, sir.
00:38:23Oh, Lordy.
00:38:24Shut down.
00:38:25They're attacking!
00:38:27Oh!
00:38:29I'm coming!
00:38:33Sir!
00:38:35I can't tell.
00:38:36I think I'm in shock.
00:38:38Am I bleeding?
00:38:40No.
00:38:41What was it that did me in?
00:38:43Was it a rock?
00:38:44A spear?
00:38:46An arrow?
00:38:47It's like a knitted potholder to me.
00:38:49It thinks I could die.
00:38:53It's like a crocheted potholder.
00:38:57Those piranha women are stupider than I thought.
00:39:00The only thing they would get attacking us with doilies and potholders and placemats.
00:39:04My women today are just not the way I thought they'd be.
00:39:07Well, I don't think it's the piranha women.
00:39:10Whoever it is, they're gone now.
00:39:13Let's go investigate.
00:39:14Wait.
00:39:16It could have flatware.
00:39:17It might be dangerous.
00:39:19Why did it say the attack of what was talking about?
00:39:21Well, maybe it wasn't meant as an attack.
00:39:24Maybe it was meant as an offering.
00:39:26An offering?
00:39:27Oh, God, you don't mean it.
00:39:28Yes.
00:39:29Who?
00:39:30Oh, let's go back to the boat.
00:39:32No, we can't go back.
00:39:33We want to be the first outsiders ever to make contact.
00:39:36They're disgusting.
00:39:38Who?
00:39:38They're not disgusting.
00:39:39You think that anyone who chooses to live their life differently from you would be disgusting.
00:39:44Well, different lifestyles have different traditions, Jim.
00:39:47They're sniveling worms and I don't have their stomach to look at them.
00:39:50Who?
00:39:51It's just a legend, really.
00:39:53But in the other part of the jungle, there's a tribe of men who live apart from the piranha women.
00:39:57Who cower in fear of them.
00:39:59They have different cultures, Jim.
00:40:01They're really very caring and nurturing.
00:40:03They're a bunch of weenies.
00:40:05They make potholders?
00:40:06Well, they make baked goods, sew their own clothes, and they leave out handicrafts for the piranha women.
00:40:11And in return, they don't eat them.
00:40:14It's kind of a symbiotic relationship.
00:40:17Kind of an idiotic relationship is more like it.
00:40:21What are they called?
00:40:22The Donahues.
00:40:24Come on out.
00:40:25Don't be afraid.
00:40:26We won't eat you.
00:40:27I promise.
00:40:28Don't be afraid.
00:40:29Look.
00:40:30Donahues.
00:40:31I'm an ethnographer.
00:40:33Oh.
00:40:35Oh.
00:40:37Oh.
00:40:39Oh.
00:40:39God, what whips.
00:40:41It's a different culture, Jim.
00:40:43I think they're sweet.
00:40:45Oh.
00:40:47Oh.
00:40:48Oh.
00:40:48Oh.
00:40:49Oh.
00:40:50Oh.
00:40:50Oh.
00:40:51Oh.
00:40:54Oh.
00:40:54Good morning.
00:40:56Walter Mondale.
00:40:58Get off of me, you pussy.
00:41:01Get away.
00:41:02Ugh.
00:41:03You're not getting on my knees.
00:41:04Great suffering.
00:41:05Christ, man.
00:41:06They're just a couple of chicks.
00:41:17How are you?
00:41:18Oh, thank you.
00:41:19No, I'm stuffed.
00:41:20Really.
00:41:20It's all delicious now.
00:41:22I don't know them.
00:41:24No.
00:41:24Oh, yes.
00:41:26This tuna fish casserole is a dream.
00:41:28And they're stuffed bell peppers.
00:41:30They're so good.
00:41:31Aren't they really good cooks?
00:41:33Really good wimps is what they are.
00:41:34Why does it bother you so much to see men cooking and performing tasks generally relegated to women?
00:41:40They seem happy enough.
00:41:42You act as if your own masculinity were threatened because another man performs a supposedly feminine task.
00:41:47Why don't you just be yourself and let them be who they are?
00:41:51Because...
00:41:51Sorry, pal.
00:41:52Because no man can be truly happy acting as a housemaid to a bunch of man-eaters.
00:41:58Cooking and sewing just aren't into male hormones.
00:42:01These poor, desperate wretches don't know anybody because they don't have any role models like John Wayne or Stallone.
00:42:06But if they did...
00:42:07They'd be violent, emotionally repressed, and narrow-minded.
00:42:13Just like my heroes.
00:42:15Strong and masculine and virile.
00:42:17Hey, buddy.
00:42:18Is there any more of that kiwi tart left?
00:42:20And can I get a chair?
00:42:25Oh, my.
00:42:27Beautiful.
00:42:28Oh, you made it yourself?
00:42:31It's wonderful.
00:42:32But really, I...
00:42:33My apartment is so small, I...
00:42:36Really, I...
00:42:37I couldn't.
00:42:38Nice, though.
00:42:39Very nice.
00:42:40I have a lot of fantasies about being tied up and spanked.
00:42:43I suppose it isn't very liberated, is it?
00:42:45What kind of fantasies do feminists have?
00:42:47Bunny, please go to sleep.
00:42:49We have to get up early and look for the piranha women.
00:42:51What kind of fantasies do piranha women have?
00:42:54Eating men, I suppose.
00:42:56Turbroyled or baked.
00:43:05Damn you, Alan Alden.
00:43:07Well, great.
00:43:08I could use a drink.
00:43:11What is hot chocolate?
00:43:15Oh, Jesus, age Christ.
00:43:18Men don't bring other men hot chocolate.
00:43:23Guys, this is no way to live.
00:43:27What's killing me is I know that deep inside,
00:43:30every last one of you beats the heart of a virile, macho, manly man.
00:43:35And I'll be goddamned if I sit idly by and watch you all waste away your lives
00:43:39as a bunch of sniveling, cowardly wimps.
00:43:45Tonight I'm gonna teach you all how to be men.
00:43:48Men are just how to do it.
00:43:54Beer!
00:43:57Beer!
00:43:58See what it is to be a man!
00:44:07Ah!
00:44:09Ah!
00:44:10Take it!
00:44:11Do it!
00:44:12Come on, I know you want it!
00:44:14Be a man!
00:44:15Do it!
00:44:17Beer!
00:44:18Come on, you're the chief!
00:44:20Show them what you got!
00:44:44You're the chief!
00:44:45Oh, my god!
00:44:46Oh, my god!
00:44:49We need to know you!
00:44:49Oh, my god!
00:44:49Oh, my god.
00:44:51Who's your king?
00:44:51No!
00:44:51You're dead!
00:44:51Oh, my god!
00:44:51He's all dead!
00:44:51Oh, my god!
00:44:51Oh, my god!
00:45:07Ohhhh...
00:45:08Get off my face!
00:45:10Fear!
00:45:14Fear!
00:45:15Fear!
00:45:16Fear!
00:45:17Fear!
00:45:18Fear!
00:45:19Fear!
00:45:21Fear!
00:45:21Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!
00:45:31Beer! Beer! Beer!
00:45:32Alright, boys. Keep drinking. There's plenty more where that came from.
00:45:37Alright, now. We're gonna have a little pop quiz here on what we learned.
00:45:42Pay attention. Eyes front. Now.
00:45:46What's that?
00:45:48Beer!
00:45:49Beer!
00:45:49Alright, good. Here we go.
00:45:53What's that?
00:45:55Headhouse!
00:45:56Yeah, okay. What's that?
00:46:00Teenage City!
00:46:02Right on! Good man.
00:46:05Alright, now.
00:46:07Let's take a little scenario here.
00:46:11Let's say, you're riding down the street in your Corvette.
00:46:16You got one hand on the wheel palming it.
00:46:18You got one eye out looking for the cops.
00:46:21The spot out of the corner of your eye.
00:46:23Working down the street in some sexy hot pants.
00:46:26Some buxom teen talent.
00:46:29You know, a dame.
00:46:31A girl brought a wench.
00:46:34A woman!
00:46:36Now what do you do?
00:46:38Now! Now! Get back!
00:46:40You don't run and hide! Get back there!
00:46:42Jesus Christ!
00:46:44What do you do?
00:46:47No! No! You don't offer them knitted products!
00:46:50Men don't knit!
00:46:52You yell out to her!
00:46:55You yell out, hey, sexy mama!
00:46:57Hey, love machine!
00:47:00You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:02Let's try it, alright?
00:47:03Hey! Hey, sexy mama!
00:47:08Hey, sexy mama!
00:47:12Hey, love machine!
00:47:15Hey, love machine!
00:47:18That's it!
00:47:19You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:21You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:47:24Yeah!
00:47:25Yeah! That was pretty good!
00:47:27Alright!
00:47:27Go ahead, boys!
00:47:28You're in another swing!
00:47:34Ah!
00:47:35Yeah!
00:47:41Hey, fellas.
00:47:43Take five.
00:47:49Excuse me.
00:47:50Hi.
00:47:51I heard all the noise and I couldn't sleep,
00:47:53so I thought maybe one of you could make me some hot chocolate.
00:47:56Chick.
00:47:57Right.
00:47:58Sexy mama.
00:48:00What?
00:48:02Hey, hey, baby.
00:48:04You want to go for a ride in my vet?
00:48:07I don't know.
00:48:08Where's it parked?
00:48:11Hey, love machine.
00:48:13Let's do it dirty.
00:48:15Love machine, um...
00:48:17Well, we happened to two new casseroles in Needlepoint.
00:48:19I mean, all I came out here was to ask for some hot chocolate.
00:48:22Dr. Horan, no!
00:48:25Dr. Horan, no!
00:48:27Dr. Horan, no!
00:48:27Dr. Horan, no!
00:48:30Let go of Bunny.
00:48:32No!
00:48:33No!
00:48:37What are you doing out here?
00:48:47Look, I'm sorry, all right?
00:48:48I'm sorry.
00:48:49I mean it.
00:48:49I'm sorry.
00:48:50I'm sorry.
00:48:50I'm sorry.
00:48:51I mean it.
00:48:51Just that we had a party and the boys got a little out of control.
00:48:54Out of control?
00:48:56They tried to gang rape Bunny.
00:48:59I didn't get any hot chocolate.
00:49:01Gang rape Bunny?
00:49:03Why?
00:49:03I didn't know they had it in them.
00:49:06Sir?
00:49:07Sorry.
00:49:07I didn't mean it that way.
00:49:08I meant it.
00:49:09Funny you know what I meant, right?
00:49:12Yes, sir.
00:49:13It's just that, considering how faggy they were acting, it was kind of delightful to see
00:49:18them finally taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex.
00:49:21God.
00:49:22A healthy interest to you means a violent one.
00:49:25Oh, yeah.
00:49:26Like your little piranha don't resort to violence.
00:49:29They only kill slaves up and eat men.
00:49:31Quite right, and I'm beginning to think they've got the right idea.
00:50:00Oh, fudge a duck.
00:50:01The propeller's stuck again.
00:50:04There's too much grass in this area.
00:50:05Look, we're just gonna have to drag it downstream where it's deeper water.
00:50:09Drag it?
00:50:11Yeah, drag it.
00:50:12You got us into this mess.
00:50:14Oh, you mean we have to get in the water?
00:50:17I didn't even bring any trunks.
00:50:34Ew!
00:50:35Ew!
00:50:36Ew!
00:50:36What?
00:50:36What?
00:50:37Leaches?
00:50:37No, catfish.
00:50:39Catfish?
00:50:40Catfish don't bite.
00:50:41I know, but they swish all around my ankles and it feels icky.
00:50:44I always hit catfish even as a kid.
00:50:47It's not getting your feeling in your life.
00:50:48Some catfish swish it around.
00:50:50I mean, what if one crawling up my pants like it's-
00:50:52Oh, shut up with the catfish.
00:50:53If you want to get back in the boat, get back in the boat.
00:50:56Margot, who thinks thou doth protest too much?
00:51:01Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
00:51:03You're as mad at me or as yelling at me.
00:51:06I'm sure a big doctor like you knows that underneath that means you're just hiding your true feelings.
00:51:11Which is?
00:51:13That you really love me.
00:51:14I don't love you.
00:51:16I don't even like you.
00:51:17Then why is your voice quivering as you say that?
00:51:20My voice is not quivering.
00:51:22Yes, it is. It is.
00:51:25You always tell when a woman's in love because her voice quivers when she speaks.
00:51:30My voice is not quivering.
00:51:33Why are you getting so emotional?
00:51:34I'm not emotional.
00:51:35It's quivering again.
00:51:36I'm not emotional or quivering.
00:51:39Margot, are you getting your period?
00:51:42No, I'm not getting my period. It's not due for two weeks.
00:51:46Why am I telling you this?
00:51:48Because I care, dammit.
00:51:50Jim, there's a leech on your neck.
00:51:53Leech!
00:51:54Hey, are you guys having a water fight?
00:51:57No, we're not having a water fight.
00:52:06That's when I started to start my own business.
00:52:08Everybody said I was crazy, but taking orders from others, that's just not the way the Jim man is made.
00:52:13Hey, Margot, I have some of this. It's great. It's a great dip. It's guacamole.
00:52:17Of course it's guacamole.
00:52:19I'm sick of guacamole. I'm sick of avocados.
00:52:23I want meat.
00:52:25Well, I told you you'd want a Burger King out here.
00:52:28Or maybe a nice juicy steak, or a meatloaf, or...
00:52:33Quit looking at me like that.
00:52:38Hey.
00:52:40You want to eat me, don't you?
00:52:42I didn't say that.
00:52:44You were thinking it. You can see how look in your eye. You want to eat me.
00:52:48Only for a minute.
00:52:51Moderate feminist.
00:52:52You women's lippers are all alike.
00:52:54Couple of days out here in the jungle, and you turn into savages.
00:52:58You throw away all that rhetoric about equality, and you get down to what you really want.
00:53:01The domination and consumption of men.
00:53:03I'm sorry. I'm hot, and I'm tired, and I lost my head for a moment.
00:53:12You maybe found your true self.
00:53:15Take a look at her, Bunny.
00:53:17Take a good, hard look.
00:53:19She wants to eat me.
00:53:21See for yourself what the woman's movement is really all about.
00:53:26That's it!
00:53:29You're dead meat!
00:53:30No, no.
00:53:31No, no.
00:53:31Honey!
00:53:32Help!
00:53:33Hey, Honey, chill.
00:53:34Chill, really.
00:53:35Come on.
00:53:36I'm sure they'd be easy by you.
00:53:39No, but it's the pain.
00:53:41See?
00:53:41Oh, I'm real clean.
00:53:43Don't eat up, Dr. Hunt!
00:53:48Oh, my God.
00:53:50I'm losing my mind.
00:53:52In this jungle, I'm just losing my mind.
00:53:56What with having your period and everything?
00:54:01We've got to go back.
00:54:03We're going back.
00:54:04We've just gone too deep into the heart of the jungle.
00:54:08I'm back.
00:54:10A little too late for that, Margo.
00:54:12I think they've found us.
00:54:14Eat off it.
00:54:16Maybe.
00:54:17They don't look too friendly to me.
00:54:19Don't worry.
00:54:21What do you got?
00:54:21Grenade? Gun?
00:54:23No, something all feminist cultures will understand,
00:54:25no matter how radical or how primitive.
00:54:28I have my now membership card.
00:54:32Why do you have the chapeau in your mouth?
00:54:35What did she say?
00:54:36I'm not sure.
00:54:38It's a strange, difficult language.
00:54:41Listen.
00:54:42I'm looking for Dr. Kurtz.
00:54:44Do you understand me?
00:54:45Dr. Kurtz.
00:54:47Kurtz?
00:54:48Yes!
00:54:49Dr. Kurtz!
00:54:49Can you take me to her?
00:54:52Get your stuff!
00:55:03The secret temple of the Piranha women.
00:55:06Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.
00:55:09Looks like a big Lego to me.
00:55:25This must be the altar room where they...
00:55:27You guys?
00:55:28Yeah.
00:55:36Hey.
00:55:37Look.
00:55:38A vegetable juice spa.
00:55:40This is supposed to be great for the complexion.
00:55:42Jim, don't.
00:55:43What?
00:55:44Honey, hand me one of those frios.
00:55:54What is it?
00:55:55Piranha.
00:55:56The real thing.
00:55:57This must be where the piranha women dispose of.
00:55:59This must be where the piranha women dispose of.
00:55:59Those are the fat and bones of their male sacrifices.
00:56:01Very good, Dr. Hunt.
00:56:03That is quite correct.
00:56:05Francine Kurtz.
00:56:06Then you are alive.
00:56:07She's got one of those cute outfits on.
00:56:09I have more than just the outfit, honey.
00:56:12The piranha women have christened me empress of the avocado jungle.
00:56:16I am their supreme ruler.
00:56:19I knew the avocado board would send someone after me.
00:56:22But I never suspected it would be another feminist.
00:56:26After I did away with the army.
00:56:27You mean to say you led those piranha women against the soldiers?
00:56:30Of course.
00:56:31They violated our jungle sanctuary.
00:56:33They had to die.
00:56:36They were pretty delicious, too.
00:56:38Dr. Kurtz.
00:56:39I am unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe.
00:56:42But I would think any major university would consider warring on the United States
00:56:45and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics.
00:56:48Always the cautious scholar, huh, Dr. Hunt?
00:56:51I am not here to study the piranha women.
00:56:53I am here to lead them.
00:56:54The future of feminism lies in this temple.
00:56:58You're saying the future of women is in cannibalism?
00:57:01Face up to the truth.
00:57:02This is a war.
00:57:03A war between men and women.
00:57:06Anything short of cannibalism is just beating around the bush.
00:57:08Well, it's obvious the avocado board sent the wrong scholar to deal with the piranha women.
00:57:13And you are so obviously the right one.
00:57:16An academic so naive.
00:57:18So trusting.
00:57:19She actually believes there's an avocado shortage.
00:57:23Yes.
00:57:24That's what they told me, too.
00:57:26But I was suspicious enough to do a little research into the matter.
00:57:30The fact of the matter is, the United States has a massive avocado glut.
00:57:34They're dumping avocados by the ton into Santa Monica Harbor just to get rid of them.
00:57:38But if that's the case, then why send me?
00:57:40You're an ethno-historian. Use your head.
00:57:43It's not the avocados the government is worried about.
00:57:47It's the piranha women.
00:57:48The reactionary male factions are terrified of them.
00:57:52Terrified of the example a nation of strong women might set for the rest of the country.
00:57:57After they succeeded in stopping the ERA, in the wake of a mainstream feminist backlash,
00:58:03they figured it was the perfect time to wipe out the piranha women for good.
00:58:08But the reservations in Malibu...
00:58:10They're there, all right.
00:58:12I did some research into those, too.
00:58:14Deluxe condominiums.
00:58:16Pool.
00:58:17Sauna.
00:58:19Total luxury living.
00:58:21Only what they didn't tell you about
00:58:23were the thousands of subscriptions to Cosmopolitan
00:58:26that were time for delivery when the piranha women took up residence.
00:58:29Not to mention the team of Mary Kay Cosmetics saleswomen
00:58:32who were ready to pounce upon them.
00:58:34They had a secret plan for doing away with the piranha women.
00:58:38Something far more sinister than an armored division of infantry.
00:58:43Cultural assimilation.
00:58:45Yes.
00:58:46Within five years, the piranha women would have been just a bunch of bikini bunnies
00:58:50bouncing around Malibu searching for a good sushi bar.
00:58:53I know a great sushi bar in Malibu.
00:58:55You go down Sunset, turn right to PCH and...
00:58:57You see?
00:58:58They would have all ended up...
00:59:01like her.
00:59:05Now that you're here, you have only one choice.
00:59:07To join with us.
00:59:09Become a piranha woman.
00:59:12I can't do that.
00:59:14Although I'm discouraged,
00:59:15I can't give up hope that there will be equality between the sexes.
00:59:18I cannot allow you to leave the jungle and reveal the secrets of the piranha women.
00:59:23You either join us, or you all die together.
00:59:27Then kill us.
00:59:28Because I'd rather die than compromise my ethical standards.
00:59:32Hey, hey, hey. Speak for yourself.
00:59:34I'm sure we could round table this whole thing and come up...
00:59:38You idiot male will die anyway.
00:59:41You look a little tough, but I suppose if you were marinated before cooking...
00:59:44Take him.
00:59:46Marinated? Sweetie, that's personogenic. You don't wanna...
00:59:49Bonnie!
00:59:49Dad!
00:59:51Move me!
00:59:52Take Dr. Hunt also.
01:00:04You're outnumbered, Margo.
01:00:06There are a thousand piranha women in this temple.
01:00:08You haven't got a chance.
01:00:10You let my friends go, or I'll shoot you first.
01:00:13Go ahead.
01:00:14Fire on a fellow feminist.
01:00:16Fire on a fellow anthropologist.
01:00:19You may not personally agree with my tactics, but you know my only goal is to help the piranha women
01:00:24maintain their cultural heritage.
01:00:28Go ahead and shoot.
01:00:29Shoot her! Do it!
01:00:31Give the woman what she wants!
01:00:37It will take some time to make the preparations for your initiation into the tribe of piranha women.
01:00:42I will give you until tomorrow morning to make your decision.
01:00:45If you agree to join us, you will sacrifice your first man.
01:00:50If you do not agree, you will be thrown into the piranha pit and you will die.
01:00:55Painfully.
01:00:58Take her!
01:01:01Take the airhead, too.
01:01:03Dad!
01:01:04Bonnie, don't worry! You'll save me!
01:01:11Hi!
01:01:12Hey, I hope you know that crack about shooting you is just a joke.
01:01:15That's me, a horse with it, non-stop, the whole trip.
01:01:19Have they told you how great you look in that dress?
01:01:21Because, see, it's feminine and feminist, which is my cause.
01:01:26Really, feminism.
01:01:27I thought Geraldine Ferraro, for example, Cream Bush, in that debate...
01:01:31You're gonna cook up real good.
01:01:34Put him with the rest of the men.
01:01:36Tomorrow we eat him.
01:01:38Well, you know, I've got a subscription to mid.
01:01:43You know what I mean?
01:01:44It would be a luncheon, you know.
01:01:45Those guys must be bigger wimps than that Donnie is.
01:01:49All right, I'm going. I'm going. Whoa!
01:01:52I'm gonna interject one thing.
01:01:53Now, I'm not saying this just to save my heart,
01:01:56but talking strictly nutritional requirements,
01:01:59if you girls are eating only men,
01:02:01you cannot possibly be getting everything you need
01:02:02from the four basic food groups!
01:02:09Hey, you guys are pretty big for wimps.
01:02:13Of course, the joke's on you when those broads come back
01:02:17and start picking out ingredients for Chicken McMacho.
01:02:23Anybody got a smoke?
01:02:30I brought you some food.
01:02:32Who are you?
01:02:34I'm Jean-Pierre, your sacrifice for tomorrow.
01:02:39It is traditional in the tribe of the Piranha women
01:02:41for the sacrificee to serve his mistress
01:02:44the night before the ceremony.
01:02:47But you speak English.
01:02:49Some. I learned it from listening to Dr. Kurtz.
01:02:53Wow, you must be very smart.
01:02:55I picked it up so quickly without any formal training.
01:02:58Alas, intelligence in males is not valued by the Piranha women.
01:03:03Only muscle tissue.
01:03:05Well, certainly have plenty of that.
01:03:09They force us to work out with weights.
01:03:10It makes the meat more flavorful.
01:03:12Please, eat.
01:03:13Oh, thank you. I am hungry.
01:03:22Very good.
01:03:23I'm glad. He was a friend of mine.
01:03:26Jacques.
01:03:27The pasta stuff is really good.
01:03:29Chewy, but tasty.
01:03:31Kind of like lean pork.
01:03:32What is it?
01:03:33Jacques.
01:03:34Is that one of those beef substitutes?
01:03:37Huh?
01:03:38Whatever it is they show is good.
01:03:40You were got on a Nautilus?
01:03:42Got any more tip.
01:04:09Got any more tip?
01:04:31I'd like to speak to Jean-Pierre.
01:04:34Where is Jean-Pierre?
01:04:39Oh, he's a friend of yours, Tom.
01:04:41Well, don't worry, I won't kill him.
01:04:43God knows I won't eat him.
01:05:05There is your sacrifice.
01:05:07If you wish to become a piranha woman,
01:05:09you must first take his body and then his life.
01:05:12What is your decision?
01:05:14I refuse to kill another human being in cold blood.
01:05:18However, in deference to your cultural traditions,
01:05:21I would be willing to have sex with him.
01:05:23Forget it.
01:05:24If you want your cake, you'll have to eat it.
01:05:26If you do not use this dagger to draw his blood,
01:05:28I will have you thrown into the piranha pit.
01:05:30I won't join your tribe.
01:05:32And I appeal to you as a member of the National Academy of Sciences
01:05:35to release me and my friends and allow us to go on our way.
01:05:39No!
01:05:40I want to be a piranha woman.
01:05:42Bunny, what are you saying?
01:05:43I want to be a piranha woman.
01:05:45Bunny, dammit, I knew I shouldn't have brought you.
01:05:47You haven't had enough women's studies poor classes.
01:05:49You're being seduced by the simplicity of the piranha woman's philosophy.
01:05:52No, I haven't.
01:05:54I just want one of those cute outfits.
01:05:56Bunny, listen to me.
01:05:58Silence her.
01:06:01Are you sure you want to become a piranha woman?
01:06:04Yes.
01:06:05Are you willing to partake in the blood sacrifice initiation?
01:06:09Well, if you mean to have sex with a guy and then kill him, sure.
01:06:11I'll try it.
01:06:12I'll do weirder things at frat parties.
01:06:14Then I will allow you to become a piranha woman.
01:06:18On one condition.
01:06:22He shall be your sacrifice.
01:06:26Well, now you've gone too far, Dr. Kurtz.
01:06:30I happen to be a pretty good judge of human nature.
01:06:33And as far as our bunny goes, well, the poor kid happens to be nuts about me.
01:06:37She would never...
01:06:38Sure, I'll kill him.
01:06:39Prepare them both for sacrifice.
01:06:42Tittles.
01:06:47What?
01:06:48Just do it!
01:06:51The sacrifice has escaped!
01:06:53Kill him!
01:06:56Quick!
01:06:57Stop them!
01:06:58Kill them!
01:07:03Jump!
01:07:05I can fight them off from here.
01:07:07Oh, no, you're coming.
01:07:08No, it's more important that you escape.
01:07:10Shut up here.
01:07:11Will you stop being a sacrifice?
01:07:13Now come with me.
01:07:14Come with me.
01:07:16Come with me.
01:07:24Jump here.
01:07:25Jump here.
01:07:27Jump here.
01:07:28Jump here.
01:07:29Dammit.
01:07:30The first decent time.
01:07:32No.
01:07:33Oh, no.
01:07:35Oh, no, no, no.
01:07:40Oh!
01:07:41Oh, no, no.
01:07:41Oh, no, no.
01:07:42Oh, no, no, no, no.
01:07:49Oh, my God.
01:08:23So this is why prana women have red hair, huh?
01:08:26Huh?
01:08:28See, I hope this dies and they make my hair frizz.
01:08:30Do you have any conditions for that?
01:08:32You know, actually, I was thinking that we can go a little shorter this time on the cut,
01:08:35if that's okay with you.
01:08:36Or maybe if we keep it red, I should just keep it long,
01:08:39because that'll look like Tiffany.
01:08:40And actually, I was thinking about taking up singing, so...
01:08:54Hey, I told you girls that's where we get up.
01:08:57Great lines.
01:08:59Hey, how are you doing?
01:09:00Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, can I say one thing?
01:09:02One thing.
01:09:03I'd rather have you kill me than make me a gelding.
01:09:06We had a dog once, and we fixed him, and he was just never happy.
01:09:11Hey, can't we be reasonable about this?
01:09:13I mean, for all people here, piranhas, non-piranhas.
01:09:18Hey, what's this?
01:09:19A little hot tub action, huh?
01:09:22Maybe I misjudged you girls.
01:09:25I think I might actually like this place.
01:09:28Oh, yeah.
01:09:30That's nice.
01:09:32Hey, you know, you're not such bad young ladies, after all.
01:09:36Probably just had rough childhoods, right?
01:09:38Woke a lot of pot in high school, parents were divorced, that kind of thing.
01:09:42Oh, yeah, oh, that's good.
01:09:44A little lower, a little lower.
01:09:47Yeah, that's a spot.
01:09:48I'll make circles.
01:09:51Just kidding.
01:09:53Well, it's nice to see at least a couple of you girls
01:09:55how to treat a man around this crazy temple.
01:09:58You know, a lot of you piranha gals,
01:09:59you probably just never met the right guy.
01:10:02And I bet you your terrific cook something around here smells fabulous.
01:10:08It's this bath water.
01:10:09Yeah, this would make a hearty soup face, wouldn't it?
01:10:15Hey.
01:10:17What's up, Doc?
01:10:19What goes...
01:10:21Hey, what?
01:10:22Oh, my God, you're malinating me!
01:10:25Hey!
01:10:26Let me out!
01:10:35We are the barracuda women.
01:10:37We are the sworn enemies of the piranha women.
01:10:40If you were escaping from them, you must be our friend.
01:10:50Thousands of years ago, the piranha women and barracuda women were as one.
01:10:54But we split over ideological differences.
01:10:58What were they?
01:10:59The piranha women believe that men should be slaughtered and eaten with guacamole dip.
01:11:05And you think that's wrong?
01:11:07Yes!
01:11:08We believe they should be eaten with clam dip.
01:11:12That's it?
01:11:14Clam dip?
01:11:15It's a fundamental principle.
01:11:16You people have been divided for thousands of years because of a kind of dip.
01:11:21Oh, that really makes me mad.
01:11:23Why is it women always argue over such petty differences?
01:11:26It's no wonder we couldn't get the ERA passed.
01:11:28Men can always seem to agree on football and beer.
01:11:32Well, that's it.
01:11:35We are going back to the piranha women's temple.
01:11:37The women of this jungle must unite.
01:11:40And I'm going to settle a score with a certain renegade ethnographer.
01:11:56I think I'm going to like being a piranha woman.
01:12:03What you do is you set up a joint committee consisting of equal numbers of piranha women
01:12:08and barracuda women.
01:12:09You meet bi-weekly, air any differences that might arise.
01:12:13And it's really that simple.
01:12:15So what we'll do is we'll organize...
01:12:17I'm going to be able to do this.
01:13:01Onward, women!
01:13:07Come on, move it!
01:13:22It's a field notes.
01:13:38It's an outline for a book.
01:13:47Okay, let's see.
01:13:49So, she's gonna make love to me.
01:13:51That's good.
01:13:53She's gonna kill me and eat me.
01:13:56That's bad.
01:13:58I can't ever have a completely good day.
01:14:02Here, Bunny.
01:14:03Drink of the elixir of the piranha women.
01:14:14Let the sacrifice begin.
01:14:24Honey, please put away that knife.
01:14:27You don't know what you're doing.
01:14:28This whole crazy jungle's got you all mixed up.
01:14:32I know what I'm doing.
01:14:34I want to become a piranha woman.
01:14:37Oh, my God.
01:14:38Your eyes.
01:14:39The strange elixir of the piranha woman has changed the color of your eyes.
01:14:43Pleasant, bring context, stupid.
01:14:46Now, shut up or I've sacrificed you.
01:14:53Sorry, I have to kill you.
01:14:55I really do think you were kinda cute.
01:14:59Honey, please don't.
01:15:01Come on.
01:15:04I have to.
01:15:08What did Margo say?
01:15:11Don't kill me at the song.
01:15:14I will stand.
01:15:16Na na na.
01:15:17Na na na.
01:15:18I will stand.
01:15:20I am not...
01:15:21I will stand.
01:15:26I will stand.
01:15:27I will stand.
01:15:28No.
01:15:29I will stand.
01:15:32I will stand.
01:15:32kill him I can't do it
01:15:40I can't
01:15:54I'm both in the piranha pit
01:15:59you know that water is really going to stain this outfit
01:16:01wait
01:16:04what now
01:16:06according to the traditions of the piranha women
01:16:09I challenge the empress of the avocado jungle
01:16:11to a battle for the right to the throne
01:16:14that is your right
01:16:15but I warn you Margo
01:16:17you haven't got a chance
01:16:19we'll see
01:16:30you handle yourself very well
01:16:33I studied ancient weaponry at Berkeley
01:16:35Professor Harris?
01:16:37no, Professor Johnson
01:16:39really?
01:16:40Professor Johnson at Stanford
01:16:43enough preliminaries
01:16:47why don't you tell the piranha women the real reason you became their leader?
01:16:51who are you talking about?
01:16:53I found your study
01:16:55I read your notes
01:16:57the outline for your book
01:16:59you don't care about the piranha women
01:17:01you just want to write a book about your experiences
01:17:03that's not true
01:17:07my life as piranha woman by Francine Kurtz
01:17:10catchy
01:17:11she'd make the bestseller list
01:17:13the media hype from the last book was fading
01:17:15you needed something new to get back on the talk show service
01:17:18wasn't that right?
01:17:20well what better than an expose on the piranha woman's lives
01:17:26Margo will win?
01:17:27yeah
01:17:28do you remember those red liquor shops?
01:17:31sure in my backpack
01:17:33no, this doesn't either
01:17:36you were going to exploit their culture and traditions
01:17:38for a cheap paperback pot boiler
01:17:40a kiss sacrifice and tell book
01:17:44all right
01:17:45anybody want to get any action on Margo?
01:17:46the point spread is three against Dr. Kurtz
01:17:48huh?
01:17:49anybody in on this?
01:17:51chicks
01:17:53it's true
01:17:54I was planning a book
01:17:55but it was going to be a scholarly work
01:17:58hardly Kurtz
01:17:59you spent too much time in the jungle
01:18:02you've become a primitive yourself
01:18:05I read your notes
01:18:06your field methodology is sloppy
01:18:09your conclusions shaky
01:18:10even share heights and get away with the generalizations
01:18:13you make in your outline
01:18:18you're no better than the chauvinists who sent us here
01:18:22you'd exploit the piranha woman for your own aggrandizement
01:18:25you don't understand
01:18:26I had
01:18:34Francis
01:18:35the pool
01:18:35stay back
01:18:42I had to do it
01:18:46I'd been on the talk show circuit for six months
01:18:48the token feminist
01:18:50the butt of every bra burning joke
01:18:54you don't know what it's like
01:18:55trying to face David Letterman
01:18:56with a book on male insensitivity
01:19:00I needed something more
01:19:03I thought
01:19:05piranha women
01:19:07cannibalism
01:19:10who could laugh at me then
01:19:11oh friends
01:19:13stay back
01:19:16right
01:19:18I was exploiting the piranha women
01:19:22you don't know what it was like
01:19:25David Letterman
01:19:27God
01:19:29the horror
01:19:31horror
01:19:32horror of that show
01:19:35the horror
01:19:36Renzi
01:20:00you're very wise Dr. Hunt
01:20:02now all the women of the jungle
01:20:03shall be united
01:20:05now that you are united
01:20:06you may want to reconsider your relationships
01:20:08with the men in your tribe
01:20:10there are other ways of relating to them
01:20:12besides as foodstuffs
01:20:15we shall consider what you have said
01:20:17and discuss it at our bi-weekly committee meetings
01:20:22farewell
01:20:23may you make it safely home
01:20:27bye-bye
01:20:28yeah
01:20:29keep in touch
01:20:32okay
01:20:32there you go
01:20:36where's my gun
01:20:38oh the gun
01:20:39um
01:20:40hey
01:20:42let me carry the gun
01:20:43just to the edge of the jungle
01:20:45come on
01:20:46I mean you drove and everything
01:20:47let me carry the gun
01:20:49you know
01:20:50all the piranha chicks are watching
01:20:52I should carry the gun
01:20:57thanks
01:20:59hey it's not loaded is it
01:21:15after the medical checkup
01:21:16with the value prescriptions
01:21:17there'll be tea
01:21:19with Nancy Reagan
01:21:20day two
01:21:21we will start out
01:21:22with a seminar
01:21:22by fawn hall
01:21:24on office relations
01:21:26then
01:21:27then comes the political orientation
01:21:29yeah
01:21:30and we got
01:21:31billy schlafly on standby
01:21:34hopefully it won't be long
01:21:35before miss
01:21:36hunt
01:21:37rounds these girls up
01:21:38port i gotta hand it to you
01:21:40using a feminist
01:21:42to dupe a bunch of feminists
01:21:43well
01:21:44women aren't that smart
01:21:46women
01:21:48hey how's your wife
01:21:51it's over
01:21:52oh
01:21:57dr hunt
01:21:59how long have you been standing there
01:22:01you didn't hear
01:22:03anything i didn't already know
01:22:09well francine told me all about
01:22:11your dirty little plan
01:22:13kurtz
01:22:13then you found her
01:22:15david letterman keeps calling
01:22:16we don't know what to tell them
01:22:18i'm afraid dr kurtz
01:22:20won't be doing any more talk shows
01:22:22she's dead
01:22:23dead
01:22:24how
01:22:27she died
01:22:28trying to protect
01:22:30the cultural heritage
01:22:31of a primitive society
01:22:35uh not so fast professor
01:22:37we're not finished with you yet
01:22:40your uh
01:22:41your university
01:22:42nothing's going to happen to my university
01:22:45except that the defense department will provide a generous grant to feminist studies
01:22:49for research on expanding women's opportunities in the military
01:22:54you are mad
01:22:55otherwise i go on the david letterman show myself
01:22:58and tell him about the marines and the millions of dollars of equipment lost in the avocado jungle
01:23:03not to mention the diversion of funds to pay for malibu condos and subscriptions to cosmopolitan
01:23:09i can just imagine the sarcastic look on david's face when he
01:23:13you wouldn't
01:23:16don't tempt me
01:23:23women
01:23:38dr hahn i've got to talk to you
01:23:41bunny what's going on
01:23:42i'm getting married to jim in ten minutes but i don't know do you think i'm doing the right thing
01:23:46well
01:23:47i mean what would be better getting married being a housewife handing a bunch of kids watching jim get old
01:23:52and fat
01:23:55or
01:23:55or finish school and become the first woman president
01:23:59well bunny that's a strictly personal decision
01:24:02well i'd rather just be a housewife but
01:24:04i just don't want to disappoint you after all you've taught me about
01:24:08bunny bunny you don't have to live your life to please me
01:24:11the important thing is that you're happy
01:24:12and as for what i've taught you well
01:24:15listen i've always believed that every woman should get as much education
01:24:19and intellectual stimulation as possible
01:24:21and that she should develop her mental abilities to their utmost potential
01:24:26but in your case
01:24:28well
01:24:28there's just no point
01:24:31really?
01:24:32then i should marry him
01:24:35if that's what you want
01:24:36yes
01:24:38and i take it we have your blessing
01:24:41don't push it
01:24:42thank you
01:24:46then i will marry jim
01:24:48but i just feel so sorry for you
01:24:50i mean i'm going to be leaving you here all alone
01:24:52and you're going to be losing one of your best students
01:24:54oh who?
01:24:55me
01:24:56oh
01:24:58well don't worry bunny
01:24:59there'll be other students
01:25:01well this is it miss hunt
01:25:04bye
01:25:05i'll call you
01:25:07collect
01:25:09jim
01:25:11bye
01:25:11thanks for everything
01:25:12bye
01:25:14bye
01:25:15bye
01:25:41oh
01:25:42Yes, I got all the courses you told me to take.
01:25:46Introduction to Feminism, Understanding Human Relationships,
01:25:49The Sensitive Male.
01:25:50I want to thank you so much for helping me, Doctor.
01:25:53Oh, my pleasure.
01:25:55Call me Margot.
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