- 4 days ago
pit
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TVTranscript
00:00Hey, Randy.
00:02Hey, Dad.
00:02Great day today.
00:04Good tool time?
00:05Through the roof.
00:11How's Mom?
00:12Not too bad.
00:14She finally stopped saying,
00:15Boys, whatever you do, don't turn out to be like your father.
00:20Okay.
00:21Well, this will put her right over the top.
00:24Do flowers always work?
00:25Yep.
00:26Every time you get in trouble, I just call Lou the florist.
00:28Well, if she gets mad at you so often,
00:30you must be on some kind of frequent flower program.
00:36I'm not only a member, I'm the club president.
00:40Hold it right there.
00:41Up against the wall, spread them.
00:45Mom, just hand over the rubber band shooters now.
00:48I know you have them.
00:50Man.
00:51You too, baby face.
00:52Hey, I'm not packing a piece, Mom.
00:55I'm not.
00:56I told you guys to stop making these.
00:59Well, we need them for protection against Vinnie McGurn.
01:02Look, if you have trouble, just tell the bus driver.
01:05He's more afraid of them than we are.
01:10Hey, guys.
01:11Is your mom home?
01:12Yeah, she's upstairs studying.
01:14You think she saw tool time today?
01:19No, I don't think so.
01:20Great.
01:22But we did.
01:28Hey, don't worry, Dad.
01:30Mom's always wanted a compact car.
01:35You guys didn't tell her, did you?
01:37No.
01:38We thought it'd be more fun to watch you tell her.
01:41Well, you might have to wait a little bit,
01:42because I'm not going to tell her for a while.
01:44I don't know.
01:45Mom's pretty smart.
01:46As the weeks go by,
01:47she's going to notice she doesn't have a car.
01:52And then when she does,
01:53you'll have to tell her you totaled it.
01:55No, no, no.
01:56It's a classic.
01:58You don't really total a classic.
01:59I can rebuild it from the existing parts, you know?
02:02Until I figure out how long it's going to take me,
02:04I don't think we should tell Mom.
02:08Okay.
02:09Mom, we also don't have to tell her
02:10that we got kicked off the bus today.
02:12Wait a minute.
02:13Wait a minute.
02:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:14What do you mean you got kicked off the bus?
02:16Well, let's just say there was an unfortunate incident
02:19involving some glue in Vinnie McGurn's butt crack.
02:26As of 3 o'clock, he's closed for business.
02:37Guys, as much as I appreciate a practical joke,
02:41this was a good one.
02:45You know, this has been bothering your mom and I.
02:47I can't let you get away with this.
02:47I've got to tell her about this.
02:49Okay.
02:49Then I guess we have to tell her what we saw in tool time.
02:51I'm not making a deal here.
02:54Well, here comes Mom.
02:57You...
03:00Deal.
03:13What are you doing?
03:15What does it look like I'm doing?
03:16Losing your mind.
03:18What does that thing look like right there?
03:20It's a pimple.
03:21The whole seventh grade is covered with them.
03:25I don't know.
03:29Although, from this angle,
03:31it does kind of look like a boil.
03:38Here are the candles.
03:39That looks good.
03:39Hey, Mom.
03:40Hey.
03:42What's that smell?
03:45It's your father's birthday dinner.
03:47Thank you very much.
03:48It usually doesn't smell that bad
03:50until an hour after he eats.
03:56It's cauliflower.
03:58Would you guys set the table?
04:00Your dad wants to eat healthier,
04:02so I'm making steamed vegetables,
04:04rice, chicken,
04:05and birthday watermelon for dessert.
04:07Just because Dad thinks he's dying,
04:09why do we have to suffer?
04:12Dad isn't really gonna die, is he?
04:15No, honey.
04:16He's probably gonna live forever.
04:18He's already survived fire,
04:20electrocution,
04:21and crashing through a port-a-potty.
04:24Then why is he so worried?
04:26Honey, your father will get through this.
04:29You know, all guys go a little off the deep end
04:32when they hit 40.
04:33They get insecure,
04:34they obsess about every gray hair.
04:52And pimples and places
04:53I don't even want to know about.
05:04I don't think we should be steaming open the letter.
05:08My teacher said to give it to Mom and Dad.
05:10We're doing this for you, dork.
05:12Yeah, if you don't know what the teacher said,
05:14then you don't know what lie to tell the Mom and Dad.
05:17I don't have to lie.
05:18I didn't do anything.
05:20Right, Mark.
05:21Teachers always send home notes like that.
05:23Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor,
05:24Mark didn't do anything.
05:25Just wanted to try out the new pen.
05:30Hey, guys,
05:31how many times have we told you
05:32about steaming open letters?
05:35All right, if you're gonna do it,
05:35use a teapot here.
05:36Much more steam comes out of this thing right here.
05:40That's good, Tim.
05:42Why don't you teach him next time
05:43how to pick a lock?
05:45You think they're ready?
05:47Let me guess.
05:48A note from school.
05:50Which one of you is it this time?
05:51Not me.
05:53Not me.
05:55It's me.
05:56You?
05:59Your first letter from a teacher.
06:00All right.
06:02You're a man.
06:05You're in big trouble,
06:06but you're a man.
06:10Hey, Mom,
06:11what are we gonna eat?
06:12I'm starving.
06:13Your dad and Uncle Marty
06:14are bringing home a pizza.
06:15They should be back any minute.
06:17You know,
06:18ever since you went back to school,
06:19you've hardly cooked anything.
06:21Yeah, I'm sorry.
06:21It's been really hectic.
06:23Hey, I wasn't complaining.
06:31So, what are you studying?
06:33Randy,
06:34I came outside because
06:36I wanted you guys to stop bothering me.
06:37I gotta get this paper
06:38for my psych class written.
06:40What's it on?
06:41Mood disorders.
06:44You should do very well.
07:00Do you guys see something different
07:01to your hair?
07:04See,
07:04I told you you weren't ugly enough
07:06to scare anybody.
07:07You're totally ugly.
07:09I'm just used to you.
07:12Hey, Mom,
07:13you think I have a chance
07:14at winning the costume contest?
07:15I don't think I have enough brains
07:17using out of my head.
07:18I didn't know you had
07:19any brains in your head.
07:22How would you like it
07:23if I made you look
07:23like you're really dead?
07:25Boys, boys,
07:26just relax.
07:27I think Mark's gonna win
07:28the contest anyway.
07:29Mark?
07:30No way.
07:41Well,
07:42if he's Al,
07:43I guess that makes you
07:44Al's mom.
07:49I don't think so, Brad.
07:57Man,
07:58this ice cream
07:58really is frozen.
08:01How long is it gonna take
08:02before we get to eat it?
08:04Well,
08:04I'm guessing
08:05about 12 more spoons.
08:10Tim!
08:11I found a video camera!
08:13What do you want that for?
08:14I want you to take that speech.
08:16Hey,
08:17don't worry, Mom.
08:17You're gonna do great.
08:18Oh, thank you.
08:19I'm so nervous
08:20about this library opening.
08:21I have never spoken
08:22in front of so many people before.
08:24Oh,
08:24you have nothing
08:25to worry about.
08:26And,
08:26by the way,
08:28did we mention
08:29that you look awesome?
08:32Why do you have
08:33your hands
08:33behind your backs?
08:35Just a little change
08:36of pace
08:36from keeping them
08:37in front,
08:37you know.
08:40Yeah,
08:41you ought to try it.
08:41It's a lot of fun.
08:43Let's see them.
08:45Both of them.
08:46You're so pathetic.
08:47Oh, guys.
08:49How many times
08:50have I told you
08:51not to break
08:51the spoons
08:52in the ice cream?
08:53What happened
08:54to that ice cream
08:54scooper
08:54that I bought you?
08:55It didn't work right.
08:56Dad's been trying
08:57to fix it.
08:59Dad did fix it.
09:00Oh, great.
09:04I took the old
09:0535-watt element
09:06out of this
09:07and replaced it
09:07with one
09:08that had an electric
09:08curling iron.
09:09Dad,
09:10we don't have time
09:10for this,
09:11but we have to go.
09:12Now you not only
09:12melt the ice cream,
09:13you can style
09:13at the same time.
09:16Just flip her on.
09:20Watch this baby
09:21go right through
09:22this stuff.
09:22Look at that.
09:23Look at that.
09:24Look at that.
09:25Look at that.
09:27Look at that.
09:27Look at that.
09:32Hey, milkshake,
09:33anybody?
09:35Yeah, how'd you
09:36do that?
09:37Guess what I have?
09:39Rabies.
09:41No, this videotape.
09:45I heard Mom and Dad
09:46arguing about it
09:47last night,
09:47so then I came down
09:49and got the tape.
09:50Hey, that was
09:51pretty sneaky.
09:52You know, Mark,
09:53if you keep this up,
09:54you might actually
09:55turn into a person.
09:57Thanks.
09:57I really want
09:58to be a person.
10:00No one is as
10:01boring as mine.
10:02Wait, wait, wait.
10:03Guys, guys,
10:03believe me,
10:04I got it,
10:04I got it.
10:05When Jill's talking
10:05about psychology,
10:06she's the big
10:06bopper of boredom.
10:08And you know why?
10:09Well, Mom saw this
10:10and Dad's still alive.
10:13Yeah, well,
10:13the night is still young.
10:17Hey, shut that off.
10:18You guys shouldn't
10:19be watching that.
10:20Why not?
10:21Why?
10:22Because it's
10:22private adult stuff.
10:24You wouldn't
10:24understand.
10:25You're making fun
10:26of Mom.
10:26It's so hard
10:27to understand.
10:30I'm not making
10:30fun of Mom.
10:32I'm making fun
10:32of my wife.
10:34Dad, I don't know
10:35if you realize this,
10:36but they're the same
10:37person.
10:39It's a joke.
10:40It's a little joke.
10:40She knows it.
10:41End of story, okay?
10:42Why isn't she
10:43talking to you?
10:44You know, you're
10:45starting to act a lot
10:45like Brad and Randy
10:46here.
10:47Thanks.
10:49Let me explain
10:49something to you guys.
10:50There's a lot of
10:51things that can be
10:51said in the privacy
10:52of a hardware store
10:53that cannot be said
10:54in public places
10:55like your home.
11:04Alright, so what
11:05you're saying is
11:05you can make fun
11:06of Mom, but not
11:07when she's around.
11:08No, that's not
11:09what I'm saying.
11:10Then what are you
11:11saying?
11:11I'm saying it's
11:12disrespectful to say
11:13anything about other
11:14people when they're
11:14not around, especially
11:17if the camera is
11:17rolling.
11:21Okay, first thing
11:22is Heidi introduces
11:23us, then we tell
11:24them it's craft week,
11:25and then we begin
11:26the project.
11:27But the best part
11:28is I get to use
11:29a scroll saw all
11:30by myself.
11:31No, no, no, no,
11:31no.
11:32The best part is I
11:33get to work side
11:33by side with my
11:34oldest boy.
11:35Tool dad, tool son.
11:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
11:40Hey, hey, hey,
11:42could you please
11:42turn that junk down?
11:45It's not junk,
11:46it's heavy metal.
11:47It sounds like
11:48they're banging
11:48their heads in
11:48their guitars
11:49when they're
11:49getting their
11:50teeth drilled.
11:51Hey, cool,
11:52you saw the video.
11:56Randy, stop
11:57bothering us,
11:58we're trying to
11:58prepare for
11:59tomorrow's tool time.
12:00What do you mean
12:01we?
12:02Al's not gonna be
12:03there.
12:03So I'm gonna be
12:03dad's new assistant.
12:04Right.
12:05You?
12:06Yeah, and not
12:07only that, I get
12:08to hang out with
12:08Heidi.
12:09I'll probably get
12:10her phone number.
12:12Back the hormones
12:13up.
12:15I don't want
12:16to have to bring
12:16the fire department
12:17in to hose you
12:18down.
12:19No big deal
12:19for them,
12:20they're usually
12:20there anyway.
12:33Hey, quit
12:34playing with my
12:35basket, though.
12:36Why, you're not.
12:37Well, I am now.
12:40So, did your
12:41bridescone be
12:41on tool time?
12:43Yeah, they're
12:43doing a salute
12:44to doofuses.
12:48Who'd want to be
12:48on that stupid
12:49show anyway?
12:51Well, I would.
12:52Forget about it.
12:54The only one
12:55who'd love me
12:55to be on that
12:56show is Brad.
12:57Dad picks him
12:58to do everything.
13:00Well, Dad does
13:00a lot of things
13:01with me, too.
13:02Oh, shut up.
13:06I don't know.
13:07I think Dad will
13:08let me be on
13:08tool time someday.
13:10Yeah, well,
13:10don't hold your
13:11breath.
13:13On second
13:14thought, hold
13:15your breath.
13:16Knee is sex
13:16time.
13:28See you next
13:28time.
13:29Bye, folks.
13:33Brad, you were
13:34wonderful.
13:35I am so sorry
13:36I had that test
13:37and I couldn't be
13:37there.
13:38Yeah, you were
13:38really good.
13:39Hey, you had the
13:40audience eaten
13:40out of the palm
13:41of your hand.
13:41One of these days
13:42you have your own
13:43star on the
13:43tool time walk
13:44of fame.
13:45Right in your
13:45mind and way
13:46ahead of Al's.
13:50I'll get it.
13:51Hey, hey, don't
13:52bother.
13:53I'm sure it's for
13:53me.
13:54It's probably Heidi.
13:56Yeah, she just
13:56wants to know what
13:57time she should come
13:58over to babysit you.
13:59I'm just jealous.
14:02Hello.
14:04Oh, hi, Ashley.
14:07Oh, you love the
14:08show.
14:08Not as much as
14:09Brad loves Heidi.
14:10I'm going to pound you,
14:11you little punk.
14:11No, not you, Ashley.
14:16Could I call you
14:17right back?
14:18Hey, hey, let it
14:19go.
14:20Come on.
14:20Come on.
14:21Just go call
14:21Ashley upstairs
14:22from our room.
14:24What are you doing?
14:25Me?
14:26He's the one doing
14:27all the shoving.
14:28Because you're
14:28acting like a jerk.
14:29Tim, Tim.
14:31Randy, what's going
14:32on?
14:33Nothing.
14:33This is a big deal
14:34for Brad.
14:35Instead of ragging
14:35on him, you should
14:35be happy for him.
14:37You know, you're
14:38right, Dad.
14:39Why don't I just
14:40throw him a parade?
14:41His head's so big,
14:42he could be afloat.
14:44You know, of all
14:45the boys, I figure
14:45you and I are
14:46the most alike.
14:47Oh, come on, Dad.
14:48I mean, you and
14:49Brad are the most
14:49alike.
14:50No, no.
14:51We share similar
14:52interests, but you
14:53and I have similar
14:54personalities.
14:55If a guy's walking
14:56down the street
14:56with this fly down,
14:58if I can't come
14:58up with a joke,
14:59I know you'll
14:59back me up.
15:04Well, I mean,
15:04you've got to
15:05make the fly joke.
15:06That's right.
15:07You've got to
15:07make the fly joke.
15:08Hey, pal, you
15:08know your fly's down?
15:10It's cheaper
15:10than air conditioning.
15:13Hey, buddy,
15:14you know your
15:14fly's down?
15:15No, but I know
15:16fly me to the moon.
15:17Hey, hey, hey, hey.