00:00Hey friends, today I want to talk about something that is very close to our hearts, my heart especially.
00:08How do you forgive someone who's not sorry?
00:12You know, there is a kind of forgiveness that feels almost impossible.
00:18It's one thing to forgive someone who comes to you and says,
00:23I was wrong, I hurt you, I am sorry.
00:27But what do you do when the person who hurt you doesn't seem sorry at all?
00:33In fact, they kind of seem like they really don't give a...
00:37I mean, what do you do when they never apologize, never take responsibility, never admit what they did, and maybe
00:45even act as if you're the problem?
00:49Now, that's where forgiveness becomes much more than a feeling.
00:53It becomes a decision about what kind of person you are going to become.
00:59Jesus understood this kind of pain.
01:03You see, when Jesus was being crucified, he was surrounded by people who were not apologizing to him.
01:12They were mocking him.
01:14They were humiliating him.
01:16Some were gambling for his clothing.
01:20Some had falsely accused him.
01:22Some had abandoned him.
01:25And in the middle of that injustice, Jesus prayed,
01:31Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
01:36Now, I want you to think about that for a second.
01:42You see, Jesus did not wait for an apology before refusing to let hatred take control of his heart.
01:49That does not mean what happened to him was acceptable.
01:54The cross was still wrong.
01:57The betrayal was still betrayal.
02:00The lies were still lies.
02:03And forgiveness, well, forgiveness did not transform injustice into justice.
02:09It revealed that evil would not be allowed to reproduce itself inside Jesus.
02:17Now, that's an important lesson we can learn.
02:24It's an important lesson that we can learn about forgiveness.
02:29As I was just reading that and going through that, I'm like, how could he have forgiven for all of
02:36that injustice, all of that betrayal?
02:39That always blows me away when I think about the path to the cross.
02:43How could they?
02:44But it also teaches us some pretty incredible lessons like forgiveness does not mean saying, what you did was okay.
02:57It doesn't mean pretending you were not hurt.
03:00It doesn't mean forgetting what happened.
03:03It does not mean immediately trusting someone again.
03:07It does not mean removing every boundary.
03:11And it does not mean returning yourself to a situation where someone can continue hurting you.
03:20You see, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
03:25Reconciliation requires two people.
03:28Forgiveness can begin with one.
03:31If someone has lied to you, betrayed you, embarrassed you, abandoned you, cheated you, manipulated you, wounded you, and the
03:45list can go on, can't it?
03:48Reconciliation may require honesty, responsibility, repentance, change, and time.
03:55But you know what?
03:57Forgiveness?
03:58It's something you can do right now.
04:01You can begin even if they never participate.
04:05Why?
04:06Because otherwise the person who hurt you may continue controlling parts of your life long after the event is over.
04:16They may not be in the room, but you're still arguing with them in your mind, aren't you?
04:22They may be sleeping peacefully while you lay in bed at night, replaying conversations at two in the morning.
04:29They may have moved on completely while you're carrying anger into your relationships, your health, your work, your prayers, and
04:40your peace.
04:42And at some point, you have to ask a difficult question.
04:47How much more of my life am I willing to give to what this person did?
04:52That question changed the way I understand forgiveness.
04:57And it will change the way you understand it as well.
05:00Because forgiveness is not giving the offender a gift they deserve.
05:04Sometimes, they do not deserve anything from you.
05:10Forgiveness is refusing to keep paying for what they did.
05:14Jesus repeatedly taught people to forgive, but he never taught them to become foolish.
05:21Now, keep that in mind.
05:24Jesus forgave people, but he also confronted them.
05:28He showed mercy, but he also told the truth.
05:33Jesus loved people, and he did not entrust himself to everyone.
05:40Think about that.
05:41Jesus loved all people, but he did not entrust himself to everyone.
05:49And that matters.
05:52Because many people have been taught a distorted version of Christian forgiveness.
05:57They think being a good Christian means allowing people to repeatedly mistreat you while you smile and say,
06:05I forgive you.
06:06You know, if somebody slaps you on your right cheek, let them punch you in the left.
06:12That's not the lesson.
06:14It's a bunch of crap.
06:16You can forgive someone and still say,
06:19You cannot speak to me that way anymore.
06:23You can forgive someone and still decide they no longer have access to certain parts of your life.
06:34You can forgive someone and still report wrongdoing.
06:39You can forgive someone and still require accountability.
06:44You can forgive someone and still say,
06:47I love you, but I do not trust you yet.
06:52You see, trust is earned.
06:54Forgiveness is released.
06:56And sometimes, forgiveness is not a single dramatic moment.
07:03Sometimes it's something you choose again tomorrow.
07:07You may pray,
07:08God, I forgive them.
07:10And then wake up two days later angry at them again.
07:14That does not mean you failed.
07:16It means your heart is healing.
07:18And when the memory returns,
07:21you may have to release the dead again.
07:24Not because the offender suddenly deserves forgiveness,
07:28but because you refuse to let resentment build a permanent home inside you.
07:35Jesus told Peter to forgive 70 times 7.
07:40Now, I do not believe the point was mathematics.
07:44The point was that forgiveness may need to become a way of life.
07:49Sometimes we forgive the same people many times in our own mind
07:55because the wound keeps presenting us with the bill.
08:01And every time it does,
08:03we decide whether we're going to collect.
08:06There is another part of forgiveness that is difficult.
08:10But necessary.
08:12Grieving what should have happened.
08:16Sometimes you're not only angry about what happened,
08:19you're grieving the apology that you never received.
08:24You wanted them to understand.
08:26You wanted them to admit it.
08:28You wanted them to say,
08:31you didn't deserve that.
08:32I'm sorry.
08:34And when they refuse to do this,
08:37it can feel as if the story remains unfinished.
08:40But your healing cannot always depend on someone else
08:45becoming emotionally mature enough to give you closure.
08:50Sometimes, closure is something you build with God.
08:55You can say,
08:57Jesus, you saw what happened.
09:00You know what was said.
09:02You know what it cost me.
09:04I may never receive the apology I deserved,
09:07but I refuse to build my future around waiting for it.
09:12And that, my friends, is real power.
09:17Jesus teaches us that our identity does not have to be decided
09:21by the people who wound us.
09:24They don't get to write the ending, all right?
09:27You may never hear I'm sorry.
09:30You may never hear I was wrong.
09:32And you may never receive the explanation you'll want.
09:36But you can still heal.
09:39You can still become peaceful.
09:41And you can still become loving without becoming naive.
09:47You can still move forward without pretending the past never happened.
09:53And one practical way to begin
09:55is to stop trying to force yourself to feel forgiving.
09:59Start by telling God the truth.
10:03Say, God, I'm angry.
10:06God, that hurt me.
10:09God, I wanted an apology.
10:13God, part of me wants them to feel what I felt, right?
10:18But God's not frightened by honesty like that.
10:22Then ask a different question.
10:25Say, God, who do I want to become because of what happened?
10:29Do you want the wound to make you bitter, suspicious, and hardened?
10:35Or do you want it to make you wiser, stronger, more compassionate, and more discerning?
10:43You see, the offender may have influenced your past,
10:46but they do not have to determine your character or your future.
10:53That's where Jesus becomes more than an example.
10:57He becomes our strength.
10:59On the cross, Jesus showed us that pain does not have to become hatred.
11:05Betrayal does not have to become revenge.
11:09And injustice does not have to become bitterness.
11:13We can carry scars, my friends, without carrying poison.
11:19And maybe that's the deepest form of forgiveness.
11:24You remember what happened, but it no longer controls you.
11:29You see the person, but your body no longer fills with rage.
11:36You think about the past, but you no longer rehearse imaginary arguments.
11:42You stop waiting for them to become sorry before you allow yourself to become free.
11:49Forgiveness does not say they were right.
11:53Forgiveness says their wrong will not own you.
11:58Jesus showed us that love can remain love, even when it has been wounded.
12:04And that may be the lesson somebody needs today.
12:08You know, you don't have to wait for the apology.
12:13You don't have to wait for them to understand.
12:15You don't have to wait for them to change.
12:20You can begin releasing the weight now.
12:24You are not required to carry their guilt.
12:27Not because they deserve peace.
12:31But because you do.
12:36My name is Douglas Vandergraaf.
12:39And I believe in Jesus Christ.
12:42God bless every one of you.
12:45Every single one.
12:48And everyone you love.
12:52Bye-bye.
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