- 1 day ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:00Have any of you seen my impressions have you seen any of my impressions before I don't do many I
00:04do I do a few
00:05I do one for you now. Are there any are there any lesbians in does anyone enjoy smashing pasties?
00:19Are there any lesbians there must be some lesbian surely what is there a pool tournament on?
00:27Well, where are the lesbians you up there somewhere oh, there's some lesbians up there there lesbians over here hello
00:33girls
00:33How are you you all right very nice to have you in the impression that I do though?
00:37It's more a piece of physical theater than an impression per se, but it's the hang on the cameraman's coming
00:42to get the lesbians
00:46It's it's it's more a piece of physical theater than an impression
00:49But it's actually it's it's the breakup of a same-sex relationship between two women
00:53I don't think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down when you still love that
00:57person
00:58But you're no longer in love with that person and you've got to go your separate ways. Would you like
01:02me to perform it for you now?
01:04Okay
01:08Excuse me, just give me a second
01:22What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty-bound now to what's your name madam?
01:29What?
01:31Chirale
01:32Chirale
01:33Chirale
01:33Okay, fine. Chirale
01:36Sure, we'll go with Chirale. Who are you with? Who's who's the other half?
01:40Rosie, hi, I feel duty-bound to ask you the question I've asked every lesbian I've ever met
01:47What would it take to get you back on solids?
01:54Oh
01:55I've got a baby. Yes
01:57I'm two Bacardi breezes away. Come on. Yeah, go on once
02:05She likes you watching her pee
02:09So sorry
02:12I see the question I get asked that every show
02:17It's weird that you would ask that so because she likes a lot of people to watch her pee and
02:21is that your thing?
02:22You like people to watch you pay
02:24Well clearly yes
02:28He didn't say that for no reason did it do you remember earlier when you said he was a pedo
02:31for making you dress up as a schoolgirl?
02:33I think it might be payback time
02:38But surely you could just dress her as a schoolgirl and have a do a wee on you that's fine
02:42That plays into your whole pedo fantasy
02:46Everyone's happy
02:47Apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste and decency
02:51They were frankly horrified by you too
02:54What's your name sir?
02:56Sam, hi Sam
02:57What sorry?
02:59Southwell
03:00Southwell
03:01Yeah, definitely I need a surname for this
03:04I'm not in charge of the register, don't worry about that
03:15So what is it about being watched pee that you enjoy?
03:18Well just tell us, we're all interested to know what you do so
03:21It's not like that
03:22What is it like?
03:24If we were a glass of water, we'll all find out
03:36If we were a glass of water, we'll all find out
03:44I'm all for that madam, yes
03:48Once you've been with someone, there's a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee in
03:55front of them or maybe shit on their chest
04:00But some people aren't like us baby
04:04Some people don't think in the way, they're closed minded
04:07They've got a sense of, I don't know, appropriate occasion
04:16It's alright, we're not taping this for, oh no we are
04:24Lovely golden showers
04:27Any other thoughts?
04:29What car do I drive?
04:30I don't actually drive a car, sir
04:31I roll in one
04:35Motherfucker, yeah, with the bitches in the back, yeah
04:41Alright, how are you doing?
04:43That's cool
04:47Any other questions, thoughts?
04:49What's your favourite type of cheese?
04:51What's my favourite type of cheese?
04:53Knob
04:59Where's the best place you've performed?
05:01The best place I've performed?
05:03I'd have to say in your girlfriend
05:08It's the law
05:09It's the law
05:10I have to, I'm sorry
05:14Dave and Susan, they've been going out for years and years and years
05:16Ten years, since college
05:18Susan went home for the weekend to see her parents
05:19They had Sunday lunch together, they got a little bit tipsy over lunch
05:22Nothing the matter without, you would think
05:23Lovely
05:25All the way up to Hull to see them
05:26Got drunk over Sunday lunch
05:27Somehow the topic of wife swapping came up
05:31And her parents, for a joke
05:32Said, oh we were terrible for that back in the 70s
05:34Oh, keys in a bowl at a party
05:36Oh, terrible
05:39Oh, always doing it
05:40We don't know who your real dad is
05:43They said that to their daughter
05:46Now she was fine at the time
05:47Because she was drunk at lunch
05:48But then on the train ride home
05:50She starts to feel a bit grimy and horrible
05:52And oh, oh, oh
05:56And eventually she works herself up into a real state
05:58She thinks, well maybe it was a joke on me
06:00Maybe they were joking
06:01But I was the butt of the joke
06:02Maybe they did do that in the 70s
06:03Maybe
06:04He's not my real dad
06:05Oh God
06:06Oh God
06:07She got into Dave
06:08And of course what Dave should have done
06:10Is taking her in his strong loving arms
06:12Hey, it's just a silly joke
06:14I'll pop the kettle on
06:15I'll make you a cup of tea
06:16I'll run you a bath
06:18Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh
06:21That is what he should have done
06:23But that's not what he did
06:24That's not what he said
06:25What he said without skipping a beat
06:28I've killed an African child
06:34But what he said without skipping a beat
06:35Straight away
06:36Er, who got your mum?
06:48Your hair
06:49What, I'm just saying
06:52I like the Spice Girls as much as the next man
06:54But
06:57It's a
06:57No, it's
07:00I can't help noticing
07:01You've got a tattoo on your
07:03Well, it's your boob, isn't it?
07:06Really
07:07It sort of draws the eye
07:08What is that exactly?
07:09It's a rose
07:10On your
07:12As if boobs aren't fun enough as they are
07:15She's thought, I'll tell you
07:15I'll brighten these things up
07:19No fella's going to like these
07:20What are guys like that?
07:20They like flowers, don't they?
07:21Yeah, I'll get a picture of a flower
07:26Any other?
07:27I've got a blob!
07:33Sorry sir, could you just repeat what you said there?
07:35I've got a blob!
07:38She's on the blob
07:42How nicely put, sir
07:43I think
07:45I think a lesser man might have said menstruation
07:49Or her time of the month
07:50Or maybe
07:51Period
07:52Even Arsenal are playing at home
07:54Or
07:54She has the red devil in her belly
07:58Up on bricks
08:01But you went with the much more genteel
08:03On the blob!
08:06She's on the blob, isn't she?
08:08I think in all seriousness
08:09If a woman says
08:10I can't have sex
08:11I've got my period
08:11I would say
08:12Well, your arse isn't bleeding
08:13Is it?
08:16Yet
08:17Yet
08:21Give me a moment to work my magic
08:24Domestic violence
08:25There's a topic for you
08:26It happens
08:26People don't like talking about it
08:27But it happens in all our communities
08:29Yeah?
08:30Something needs to be done
08:30There's a lot of charities
08:32Dealing with the aftermath
08:33Very few doing anything preventative
08:35I'd like to start
08:36A Jimmy Carr Halfway House
08:37A place where women can go
08:39And be safe
08:39And secure
08:41And be re-educated
08:42About cooking and cleaning
08:43And putting out
08:48Doesn't need to happen
08:50There's nothing sad
08:51Than a single woman
08:52With two black eyes
08:53She's been told twice
08:54She just doesn't understand
08:59You're looking slightly disapproving
09:00There, mother
09:01You alright?
09:04I like the fact
09:04That you two look
09:05Incredibly rock and roll
09:06In a sea of middle class
09:09What a wonderful thing
09:10What do you do?
09:11Are you in a band or something?
09:12Me?
09:13Yeah
09:13I'm in a shop called Cyber
09:15I'm in a shop called Cyber
09:16Called Cyber what?
09:17Cyber Dog
09:18Cyber Dog?
09:19Where do you think I've got this?
09:21Hey?
09:23It's rubber on the inside
09:26You might have a funky underpinning
09:27I might have a funky underpinning
09:32I don't know what a funky underpinning is
09:34That's how unfunky I am
09:37Were you expecting more thrash metal
09:39At this gig?
09:40Yes
09:41I'm sorry to disappoint
09:4399% of women
09:44Kiss with their eyes closed
09:46Which is why it's so difficult
09:47To identify a rapist
09:54When I was at school
09:55A girl called Alice
09:56Wanked off a dog
09:57For three cigarettes
09:59I know what you're thinking
10:00How did a dog get cigarettes?
10:04I once had sex with an Australian girl
10:06She said mid-coitus
10:09Whilst fucking
10:11She said
10:12Have you slimed yet?
10:17Have you slimed yet?
10:19I thought it was all fucking Ghostbusters
10:22Ghostbusters
10:28I fantasise about having sex with a gymnast
10:31Not just because they're really bendy and flexible
10:33And you could do loads of extraordinary positions
10:35But also
10:35Because I imagine they do a brilliant dismount
10:40They end up by the side of the bed like that
10:45And if they bend their knees
10:46Even just a little bit
10:47You can make them do it again
10:50Well I'll tell you why I've asked you all to come this evening
10:52Ladies and gentlemen
10:53I'd like to talk to you about men that like obese women
10:57I'm not talking about men that like women with a fuller figure
10:59That seems entirely normal, natural and right
11:00More cushion for the pushing
11:02As I believe people say
11:04I think that's the expression
11:05No I'm talking about men that like women who are
11:07Can't leave the house fat
11:11So I'm not talking about anyone in here this evening
11:13Unless in order to get out
11:14Someone had to cut the side of the house off
11:16And there was some sort of winch involved
11:19I'm not talking about people with water retention
11:21I'm talking about people with cake retention
11:24People that tell you they've got a thyroid problem
11:27You say oh really a thyroid problem
11:28What are you taking for that?
11:30Pies
11:36You know the kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast
11:39But wouldn't want to share it with you
11:42I saw a thing on TV the other day actually
11:44It was on one of these kind of makeover shows
11:45That were on during the day
11:47They did a makeover on a girl
11:48She was 34 stone
11:50It's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic
11:54I say a makeover
11:55They gave her a fringe
11:58Is that really going to turn the corner
11:59For a girl like that
12:00And that's what I'm asking
12:01I don't think it will
12:04I can't imagine the scenario
12:05Where a guy
12:06You know
12:06He's drinking
12:06In a bar
12:07He looks across
12:08He sees a girl
12:09She's 34 stone
12:09It'd be tough to miss her
12:10Let's face it
12:12He thinks to himself
12:13She's a little bit big for me
12:15Goes back to his drink
12:16Meanwhile the makeover team are in
12:18Snip snip snip
12:20He looks back
12:21He thinks actually I would
12:25It's the excuses that get me
12:27The excuses are amazing
12:28The camera adds 10 pounds
12:30Stop eating fucking cameras
12:35Now for better for worse
12:36This is a question I use to judge an audience
12:38To judge individuals
12:39If you could all answer
12:40That would be great
12:42Would you fuck your dad
12:43To save your mum
12:46Go on
12:47What was the question
12:48What would you rather do
12:50Suck off your dad
12:51Or let out your mum
12:56Wow
13:01Yes
13:01I think if I'm not mistaken
13:02That's one of
13:03Wittgenstein's theorems
13:07You'd suck off his mum
13:11He's done you
13:13He has done you
13:20I'm not from Perth
13:21So I may never have to
13:22Make that decision
13:27Fucking hell
13:28You sound like you come from
13:29A very broken home
13:32I'm not suggesting
13:33You fucked your mum
13:34But only because
13:35You wouldn't want to
13:35Two-time your sister
13:40What's your name
13:42What
13:42What sorry
13:44Toby
13:44Toby
13:44Toby
13:45Do you mind me sharing
13:45With the group
13:47Thank you very much
13:48Indeed Toby
13:48That makes it much easier
13:49Because there's a heckle
13:50It's quite a good heckle
13:50Quite a funny heckle
13:51But we have to do
13:52A heckle put down now
13:53God
13:55I would love it
13:56If I could just let it go
13:57But I can't
13:58There are rules
14:01But you don't mind me
14:02Sharing with the group
14:02So it makes it much easier
14:03We can go old school
14:04Stop stalling
14:06What sorry
14:07Stop stalling
14:08Stop stalling
14:11Don't panic sir
14:13I've got this
14:14I'll have to put you on
14:15Arsehole waiting
14:26Toby's mum
14:30Is so fat
14:33She's a fucking disgrace
14:34Toby
14:35Your mum is such a
14:36Chunky monkey
14:37Wobble slob
14:38Fatty boom batty
14:39Blubbernaught
14:41She's so fucking fat
14:42When she fell down the stairs
14:43I thought EastEnders
14:44Had finished
14:55True story
15:02You sir
15:04What did you say
15:05What was it
15:05Stop stalling
15:07Yeah
15:07What's your name
15:08Gary
15:09Are you trying to say
15:10Gary
15:14Watch me
15:16Gary
15:18Yeah
15:19Yeah
15:21Yeah
15:23The fuck is that
15:26Well Gary
15:26If you want my comeback
15:27You'll have to scrape it off
15:28Your mum's teeth
15:37Women say
15:38They want their ideal man
15:39To be the outdoors type
15:40The kind of man
15:41That enjoys long walks
15:42In the countryside
15:43And women say
15:43They want their ideal man
15:45To be the kind of man
15:45That'll take control
15:46The kind of man
15:47That's not afraid
15:47To take a few risks
15:48Basically
15:49What you're saying ladies
15:50Is your ideal man
15:51Is a rapist
15:55And it's true
15:56If you're a rapist
15:57You've got pretty much
15:58A pick of women
16:02It's funny
16:02Because it's true
16:05My point
16:06There's an incredible
16:07Amount of pressure
16:07On women these days
16:08To be beautiful
16:09And thin
16:10And all I can say
16:10Is
16:11We've got some
16:11Very brave girls
16:12In here this evening
16:15Terrific stuff
16:18There are some
16:19Stunning looking women
16:20In here this evening
16:21And some white dogs
16:23You know who you are
16:26I'm joking
16:27No one in here
16:28Is stunning
16:31Sorry I'm not
16:31Sounding very charitable
16:32I do do my bit
16:33You know
16:34I've created a foundation
16:35For battered women
16:37It's really thick
16:37To hide the bruising
16:46It's weird
16:47Domestic abuse
16:48Is still a real
16:48Sort of taboo subject
16:49Isn't it
16:49People don't like
16:50Talking about domestic abuse
16:51And ironically
16:52That makes the problem
16:53Much worse
16:53Because the charities
16:54That deal with domestic abuse
16:55Their problem
16:56Is a problem of communication
16:58Because the women
16:58That they're trying to
16:59Reach out and communicate with
17:00The battered wives
17:01Are the very women
17:02That won't
17:03Shut up and listen
17:07Tragically
17:07This is the only language
17:08They understand
17:15I don't know what that is
17:17That's like the lion
17:18From The Wizard of Oz
17:22I wouldn't last a fucking day
17:23In this city would I
17:28When I did used to work
17:29For a living
17:29I was always very jealous
17:30Of the women that I worked with
17:31Because women have the best issues
17:32For a day off sick
17:33I love a day off sick
17:35Marvellous
17:36Duvet
17:36Very nice and comfy
17:38And women have the best excuse
17:39The best excuse as we all know
17:40Is women's problems
17:41And the reason women's problems
17:42Is the best excuse
17:43Is because women's problems
17:44Is the end of a conversation
17:48Why didn't you come in yesterday
17:50Women's problems
17:56I like to think if I was the boss
17:58Things would be slightly different
18:00Women's problems
18:01Tits or fanny
18:05Which is it
18:05Maybe I could have a look
18:11Did you know
18:12Women reach their sexual peak
18:13After 35 years
18:15Men reach theirs
18:16After about 4 minutes
18:18Which is why we get more done
18:25My girlfriend said to me
18:26Have you been having sex
18:27Behind my back
18:29I said who the fucking hell
18:30Do you think it was
18:34And another thing
18:35It wouldn't kill you
18:35To turn around once in a while
18:36Check how I'm doing
18:39I'm 10 years into a relationship now
18:41Anyone be there
18:42Anyone longer than 10 years
18:44What's the longest
18:44We go in the room
18:4613
18:4713
18:4926
18:4926
18:49Anyone more than 26
18:5128
18:53More than 28
18:54How long
18:57Sorry
18:58You've been together for 43 years
19:03I think
19:03Come on
19:0443 years
19:06Now
19:08I obviously
19:09I don't know what it's like
19:10After 43 years
19:11I think that's an extraordinary commitment
19:12Especially in this day and age
19:13That is quite something
19:14But I don't know if it's the same for you
19:15Because I've only been together
19:15With my girl for 10 years
19:17But things have got quite predictable
19:19In the bedroom
19:21Now
19:22When I lower my entire ball bag
19:23Into her mouth
19:27She is pretty much guaranteed
19:28To wake up
19:32Same
19:38You couldn't see that
19:39He just went
19:39Yeah
19:40Same
19:44You look worried on their behalf
19:45They've been married 43 years
19:46Don't panic
19:46They've tried everything
19:49What's your relationship with them?
19:50How do you know them?
19:52That's your mum and dad
19:55That's nice
19:59Well I hope the image of your dad
20:01Tea bagging your mum
20:03I hope
20:05I for one
20:12I don't know about looking your parents in the eyes again
20:14I don't think you'll be able to drink tea
20:20Hi
20:22Okay finally
20:23I need something you find in a kitchen
20:26A woman?
20:37She'll have my tea on
20:43Your mum?
20:44Who said your mum?
20:47How old are you?
20:49Your mum
20:52Your mum's in the kitchen
20:53She'll make your tea and toast if you're nice
20:57Mum
21:01Your mum
21:03That's what we're going for there
21:05Okay
21:05Right
21:06So we've got Henry VIII
21:07Australian accent
21:09Mind reading
21:10He's a creationist
21:11Your mum
21:20Shall we leave it there?
21:25Genuinely
21:27That is all the improv I do
21:29That's my favourite bit
21:30The bit where people shout out suggestions
21:31The actual play bit at the end
21:33I always think
21:33It's a bit shit
21:35I'm always suspicious
21:36They might just be making that up
21:40You actually look disappointed as an audience now
21:42You look like
21:43Oh I thought it was going to be really good
21:46The Aussie Henry VIII and his mum
21:50Oh yeah
21:50Do you want to get married?
21:52I can read your fucking mind
21:59How shit's that?
22:03What sorry?
22:05I forgot your mum
22:07All right
22:07There's Henry VIII fucking your mum
22:10Are you happy now?
22:12Is she a mum?
22:15Are you happy?
22:16Can we miss out on your mum?
22:18Is she getting fucked by the king?
22:22Oh yeah
22:23All right Sheila?
22:25Yeah take it you bitch
22:27Yeah
22:29I know you like it
22:30I can read your fucking mind
22:31Are you happy now?
22:37Are there any lesbians in?
22:40No my gay dar is pretty much honed in on this
22:43This pair down there
22:44Hello how are you two?
22:45You alright?
22:45Are you I presume you're a couple?
22:47Married
22:47You're married?
22:49Congratulations
22:49Fabulous
22:50How long will you be married?
22:51Since October
22:52Since October?
22:53My god it's new and fresh
22:54Have you even finished consummating the relationship?
22:58No
22:58You don't know when you're finished do you?
22:59That's one of the problems
23:02With your lifestyle choice
23:04We'll just put that on hold
23:05We'll be back in a minute
23:07Well so you're married
23:08You're committed to each other
23:09Well it's maybe a crazy question to ask you
23:11Because you're in this long term relationship
23:13And you love each other
23:14But what would it take to get you back on solids?
23:23She's a definite no and you're a maybe
23:24Okay good
23:29Oh I love my job
23:30I tell you what I'm going to do a test
23:31And see whether we've got any other sisters in the room
23:33See if there's any other lesbians
23:34Sisters
23:34Like I'm a lesbian
23:35I've got the haircut
23:36Come on
23:38I look a bit like Katie Lang
23:39I could get away with it
23:44You're sniggering
23:45What's your name
23:46Long lady
23:51Move along
23:52Move along
24:00What are you saying Vicky
24:02Dance for me monkey boy
24:07Is he your fella
24:14What do you mean
24:15He's either your fella or he isn't
24:16Is he your fella
24:21Sorry she's saying yes
24:24And you're saying no
24:25And you've gone really red
24:27And you look really embarrassed
24:30They're fuck buddies
24:41I see what
24:42How very modern
24:45How very 2005
24:46So you're not going out with each other
24:47But you are fuck buddies
24:49That is fantastic
24:51Can we just all take a moment
24:53To congratulate that man there
25:01A lot of work has gone into that
25:03A lot of work has gone into that
25:04He's had to buy a cosmopolitan
25:06For a couple of years
25:08Sorry
25:08And they'll know
25:10That you're a dead little hussy
25:22The great thing about that
25:23Is that he's convinced you
25:24That yeah we don't need a relationship
25:26It's so
25:28It's so old fashioned
25:30I should be able to sleep with
25:31Whoever I want to sleep with
25:32And so should you
25:33As long as it's just me
25:36When I say
25:43Yeah there'll be a lot of jokes
25:46It's not every day
25:47I get to talk to a slag
25:48Come on
25:53Now
25:58I don't know where the mark is
25:59Until I overstep it
26:00That's my
26:02You just did
26:06That is juvenile
26:08That
26:08Sorry
26:09For those of you that didn't see that
26:11It'll be on the DVD
26:14Available at all good car boots
26:17Vicky's response to that
26:19Yeah she's been called a slag at a show
26:21That's not good in anyone's book
26:22And I apologise for that unreservedly
26:24But did you really need to do that
26:30God bless you
26:32Any other ultimate sexual fantasies
26:34An amputee
26:38It's not Paul McCartney
26:39Is it I can't see
26:47Any other ultimate sexual fantasies
26:49My girlfriend
26:51Well maybe we could double team her
26:56My girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy
26:59Yes people see my girlfriend
27:00And they see me
27:01And they say
27:02She's only going out with you
27:03Because you're famous
27:04And I say
27:05But I am famous
27:09What's your point
27:12Is that your girlfriend
27:13That's your girlfriend
27:16I'm not going to swap if that's okay
27:29Can I just clarify
27:30You are a beautiful lady
27:31No disrespect to you
27:33But he heckled
27:34I had to put him down
27:36And the only way to get to him
27:37Was through you
27:40I like the way as well
27:41I suggested your girlfriend
27:42Wasn't good looking enough
27:43And you applauded
27:46Yeah you'll be using those hands
27:48Later on won't you
27:55Are there any single men in this evening
27:57Anyone single
27:58You're single
27:59Well don't panic
27:59I've got some advice for you
28:00If you really like a girl
28:02And you ask her out
28:02And she says to you
28:03I love you like a brother
28:05Suggest a weekend in Norfolk
28:10Unless you're from Norfolk
28:12In which case
28:12It probably is your sister
28:15So are you from Norfolk
28:16You don't look like you're from Norfolk
28:17I'm from Thetford in Norfolk
28:19You're from Thetford in Norfolk
28:28And is that your sister
28:30Girlfriend
28:30Both
28:35And you're here with your sister
28:38Not really though
28:41Saturday night out
28:42I'll take my sister
28:42She's a looker
28:45Have you ever with the
28:48I'm only asking
28:50Do you think
28:50Do you think your sister's attractive
28:51Can I ask
28:54Do you think she's attractive or not
28:57She's okay
28:58Did you give her one
29:07That was very low
29:07Sorry
29:09What about you love
29:13I can't believe that
29:14He's from Norfolk
29:16And he's brought his sister
29:19It could scarcely be better
29:25I'm amazed you didn't bring your mum
29:26Did you split up
29:30I often get asked this
29:31What celebrity
29:32Would you most like to sleep with
29:35Angelina Jolie
29:36I'd love to have a go on that
29:39She's an attractive woman isn't she
29:40I had a dream about her
29:41A couple of weeks ago
29:42I'm not saying it was sexy
29:43I had to get the sheets off
29:44With a toffee hammer
29:49That's a weird joke isn't it
29:50Because at once your mind
29:51Has to go
29:52And oh toffee hammer
29:56I realise I haven't got much
29:57Of a chance with Angelina Jolie
29:59She's with Brad Pitt
30:00I've got a face like a potato
30:02I thought what we might do
30:03This evening Birmingham
30:04Obviously you've all come out
30:05To see the show this evening
30:06I'm very grateful for that
30:07I love my job
30:07I love the fact you come out
30:08To see me live
30:09But we're all sort of friends here
30:11And you've bought tickets
30:12To come and see me
30:12At the show
30:13So I tend not to get heckled
30:14In the way that I used to get heckled
30:15When I used to play the clubs
30:17When I used to play the clubs
30:18You were unannounced
30:19But you know
30:19The venue was bigger than the name
30:21So people would come along
30:22They wouldn't be invested
30:23If they didn't like it
30:23They would shout rude things out
30:24I used to love that
30:25Proper aggressive heckling
30:27I thought why don't we
30:29Because people tend not to do it
30:30At these kind of gigs
30:30Because people don't want to
30:31Fuck up the evening
30:32For themselves
30:32Or for anyone else
30:35Hold your horses
30:36Just one second
30:38People tend
30:39One notable exception
30:40People tend
30:41Not to want to fuck the gig up
30:43But I thought it's quite nice
30:44It's quite a fun thing heckles
30:45So why don't we have a heckle amnesty
30:47A little two three minutes
30:47Where you can just fill your boots
30:49If you've got something abusive to shout
30:51Have at it
30:56Have you actually got Tourette's
30:58That was so quick
31:00Cunt fuck bum
31:02And fuck bum
31:04That's such a weird thing to shout
31:05Fuck bum
31:06By the rudest words you know
31:09Fuck cunt bum
31:11Any other heckles
31:15What sorry
31:18Peter K was sold out
31:19So you had to come here
31:29I'm lucky
31:30I bet he wouldn't have called you a cunt
31:35Unfortunately
31:35I'm not Peter K
31:38Cunt
31:42It's a very different kind of show
31:43Peter's show is good too
31:44I love swearing
31:45I've always quite
31:45Oh you alright sorry
31:46What was that
31:47I missed a bit of chat
31:50Hi
31:51Sorry it's not the telly
31:52If you talk I can hear
32:00Now you're looking pissed off
32:02You're thinking
32:02I didn't press the red button
32:03It's gone all interactive
32:08What were you saying
32:10Go on
32:11Say
32:14You thought
32:14You just said
32:17I thought you were talking about
32:18Snakebite the drink
32:23Yeah
32:24What happened was
32:28Okay
32:28In a joke
32:29A joke is like two stories
32:30Yeah
32:31And the first story
32:33Makes you make an assumption
32:34About something
32:34So the assumption people made
32:36About snakebite
32:37In that joke
32:38Was that
32:38It was a snake biting you
32:44That's the set up of the joke
32:45So you made the assumption
32:46He's talking about a snakebite
32:47A snakebiting someone
32:48In the second part of the joke
32:49Often known as the punchline
32:53What you'll
32:54What you'll find
32:56Is that rug
32:57Will be
32:57Will be whipped from under you
32:58And you'll realise
32:59That the assumption you made
33:00Was erroneous
33:02Suddenly revealing a fact
33:04That was previously concealed
33:05Is the nature of all
33:06One liners
33:07So in essence
33:08I was talking about
33:09Both snakebites
33:10The thing that happens
33:11When a snake bites you
33:13And also the drink
33:16No problem at all
33:17It's lovely to help
33:27It's actually
33:28It's nice to have you here
33:29This evening
33:29Because I think
33:29One of the charity gigs
33:30I did
33:31Help pay for the minibus
33:32That brought you here
33:35So
33:38Nice
33:39To see that money
33:39Wasn't wasted
33:46Oh bless her little heart
33:49What are you making
33:50Of the rest of the show
33:51Are you just enjoying
33:51The spangly things
33:58They say don't masturbate
33:59You'll go blind
34:00Yeah
34:01Only if you get it
34:01Your eyes
34:04Aim away
34:05Who do you think
34:06About when you masturbate
34:09Her
34:10So do I
34:10She's lovely
34:13That was a good answer
34:14You think about your partner
34:14When you masturbate
34:15I think I put my hand
34:16On my heart
34:16Speak on behalf of every man
34:17In here and say
34:18When we masturbate
34:18We think about you ladies
34:19We think about our partners
34:20Our wives and our girlfriends
34:22We think
34:23We do
34:24I do
34:24I always think of my girlfriend
34:25I think
34:25Options walk in
34:30She doesn't even know
34:31I've got these magazines
34:34I'd like to end by
34:35Talking about threesomes
34:36Because it tends to
34:36Divide the sexes
34:37Most men would be
34:37Quite up for a threesome
34:38With two girls
34:39Most women
34:40Don't really fancy that action
34:42If you're asked
34:43To bring a friend
34:43You tend to get
34:44A little bit offended
34:44And I think it's because
34:45Men are such bad communicators
34:47You know
34:47When we ask for that
34:48Women sort of hear
34:49Oh what
34:49I'm not enough woman for you
34:50You need two women
34:52To satisfy you
34:52Because you're such a big man
34:53That's not what we're saying ladies
34:54What we're saying is
34:55Wouldn't it be brilliant
34:56If after sex
34:56There was someone there
34:57For you to talk to
35:02Men
35:02Men tend to fall asleep
35:03Directly
35:03After sex
35:05All I'm saying is
35:06Maybe for women
35:06Pull a bit more into it
35:11Sorry that's not meant
35:12To be misogynistic
35:13In any way
35:14I was reading
35:14In tits and ass magazine
35:17Very interesting
35:18And informative article
35:19About the difficulties
35:20Of asking your partner
35:20For anal sex
35:21It was entitled
35:22What if she takes it
35:22The wrong way
35:26Sorry I can see
35:26You're shifting uncomfortably
35:27There I didn't mean
35:28To offend you
35:29I'm sure whatever
35:30You decide about anal sex
35:31I'm sure he'll be
35:31Right behind you
35:34It's easier to get
35:35Forgiveness than permission
35:40I just thought
35:40I'd slip that in
35:42I got interviewed
35:43Last week
35:43By a very nice young lady
35:44She said
35:45What's your house like
35:46I said
35:46I've got a semi
35:49Which would have been fine
35:50But then I showed it to her
35:52And of course by then
35:54It wasn't a semi
35:58If you ask
35:58Ten randomly chosen women
36:00How often they wash their knickers
36:02A surprising number answer
36:03How did you get in here?
36:10Come on in
36:10Sit down
36:11What's your name
36:11What's your name madam?
36:12Alexa
36:13Alexa
36:13And what is it?
36:14Some sort of cystitis?
36:15What's the matter?
36:19What do you do for a living Alexa?
36:20Um
36:21Lots of things
36:22You do lots of things
36:24Yes
36:31Yes
36:31I think I've seen a card
36:32Advertising your services
36:34Are you new in town?
36:36Go on
36:37Don't let me guess
36:38No
36:39I'm an aspiring presenter
36:40You're an aspiring presenter
36:42Yeah
36:42Ooh
36:43Well I'll say to you
36:44What I say to all aspiring presenters
36:46That I meet
36:47I'll have an Americano please
36:56Oh I fucking love my job
36:58Um
36:58There's a thin line between
37:00Neighbourhood watch
37:01And becoming a vigilante
37:02And it's a line you cross
37:03When you buy a cape
37:08Do you know there's now a warning
37:09On superhero costumes
37:10If you buy a superhero costume
37:11It says on it
37:13This costume does not give you
37:14Special powers
37:16Or indeed
37:16The right to see your children
37:27Kids say the funniest things
37:29Please don't hurt mummy
37:35She's already dead
37:38Are there any mums in
37:39By shouting out
37:40Who's a mum
37:41Yes
37:42Proper ones
37:42Not just ones that have done it
37:43To get a flat
37:49I'm kidding
37:50We all love mums
37:51You know
37:51Mums are great
37:52They're the great unsung heroes
37:53Of our society
37:54They do so much
37:55For so little
37:55What do mums ever get?
37:57All they ever get is
37:58You know
37:58Not even a thank you
37:59Just Mother's Day
37:59Mother's Day's rubbish
38:00Isn't it?
38:01It's like a Toblerone
38:02From the garage
38:04Or some flowers
38:05From a lamppost
38:10What?
38:12I think it's alright
38:13To give your mum flowers
38:14You've taken from a lamppost
38:15Where there's been an accident
38:16Because if you think about it
38:17You wouldn't do that
38:18If she'd brought you up
38:19A little bit better
38:22It's her fault
38:25Of course one of the major supermarkets
38:27Is trying to redress the balance
38:28Yeah
38:28There's just Mother's Day
38:29For mums
38:29But they've decided
38:30To have a mum of the year competition
38:31Mum of the year
38:32To sort of you know
38:33Just reward ordinary everyday mums
38:36Acknowledge
38:36You know
38:37All the good work mums do
38:39The only thing I would question
38:40About their charitable endeavour
38:41Is the massive banners
38:42They put outside
38:43Every one of their superstores
38:44Saying enter your mum today
38:48I mean fair enough
38:49If she's up for that
38:50She deserves something
38:52Might I suggest
38:53A call from social services
38:56Sugary tea was my mum's cure
38:58For everything
38:58Her like elixir of life
39:00If you had any kind of problem
39:01Emotional
39:02Physical
39:02Financial
39:03It wouldn't matter
39:03She would say
39:04Come in
39:04I'll make you a nice
39:05Sweet cup of tea
39:07Which was fine
39:08Until we found out
39:08My brother was diabetic
39:12My crisps tasted rubbish
39:21Oh
39:22Oh no you didn't
39:23Oh no you didn't
39:27I became Latino there
39:28For a second
39:29No you didn't
39:31Yeah I did
39:32I had crisps
39:32Did you see
39:33I had crisps
39:33Jimmy Con Carney crisps
39:35The good people
39:36Are walkers
39:37For comic relief
39:37They brought out
39:38A flavour of my crisps
39:39And it was me
39:39And Al Murray
39:40And Frank Skinner
39:40And Stephen Fry
39:41And then they made these crisps
39:42And every packet they sold
39:43They gave five pence
39:45To the starving people
39:46In Africa
39:46And I said to them
39:47Why don't you just send them
39:49The fucking crisps
39:55It's got to make more sense
39:57Doesn't it
39:57Because they can't be as fussy
39:58About the flavours
40:00If you're starving
40:01You're fine aren't you
40:02Well these are a bit
40:03Nah fair enough
40:06I read an article recently
40:07About British men's
40:08Ultimate sexual fantasy
40:10And it surprised me
40:11The results of it
40:11Surprised me
40:12It was a proper survey
40:12They asked 3,000 men
40:13Their opinion
40:14I'd like to do
40:15A little straw poll
40:15In here this evening
40:16Because the results of this
40:17I was shocked
40:19Ultimate sexual fantasies
40:20Has anyone got one
40:20They wouldn't mind admitting to
40:21Jessica Alba
40:23Jessica Alba
40:23It's a specific person
40:24That you would like to bone
40:27Well I happen to know
40:27Jessica Alba
40:28Does an awful lot of work
40:29For charity
40:29Maybe
40:37Who the fuck has a side party
40:40You're going to kick yourself
40:41When I tell you
40:43Me
40:48Well I thought I'd kick off with some jokes
40:50Glassgo
40:50Not fuck about too much
40:52I'll pause for breath
40:53And say hello
40:54How are you this evening
40:54Glassgo
40:55Are you well
40:58Like an angry mob
41:01Bloody
41:01Well I thought we'd kick off properly
41:02We're in a beautiful room
41:03The armadillo in Glasgow
41:04Bloody marvellous
41:05I thought we'd start things properly
41:06Yeah
41:07Because everyone's dressed up
41:08It's a Saturday night
41:08Let's start things properly
41:09Let's have a round of applause
41:11For the ladies
41:12Let's have a round of applause
41:13Yeah
41:13Let's have a round of applause
41:14For the ladies
41:14Yeah
41:14Yeah
41:15Quite right
41:15Yeah
41:18Actually that's
41:18That's probably enough
41:19Looking round
41:20Some of them have made no effort
41:24You've not made an effort have you?
41:26You've not made an effort have you?
41:30I'm sorry
41:30Your comment there is
41:31I haven't made much of an effort
41:33Well
41:33There's some cameras
41:34And some fucking lights
41:35I don't know what you had in mind
41:37It's not like I come to your work
41:39And knock the sailors' cocks
41:40Out of your mouth
41:40Is it?
41:50It seems like a very weird thing
41:52From a quite a tough looking man
41:53From Glasgow
41:54To say
41:54I have not made much of an effort
41:57I thought you'd be dressed up prettier
42:04It's a little bit prison rape
42:05Coming from you sir
42:06That's what it feels like
42:09When's the comedy on?
42:10When's the comedy on?
42:15When's the comedy?
42:17Really?
42:20What's your name sir?
42:22I can't remember
42:25What's your name?
42:26David
42:27David
42:28What's your favourite colour David?
42:30Blue
42:31Blue
42:31Okay
42:38Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David
42:40There are so many things I could say
42:44Number between one and eight David
42:47Six
42:48Six
42:49Okay
42:49And you said to me
42:51When's the comedy on?
42:57It says
42:57If you want my comeback
42:58You'll have to scrape it off
42:59Your mum's teeth
43:12These things don't lie David
43:13These things don't lie
43:17Nah I'm kidding
43:18She swallowed the lot
43:24Any other ultimate sexual fancies?
43:25A viking helmet
43:27A viking helmet
43:29What have you got?
43:30Two vaginas
43:34Good
43:34Lovely
43:35Any other ultimate sexual fantasies?
43:37School girl
43:38School girl
43:40And then you've pointed at your man
43:42Yeah
43:43I think we've got
43:44We've got a special term
43:45For a school girl fantasy now
43:46We call it
43:47Pedo
43:50Sorry sir
43:51Do you like
43:51What do you like?
43:52School girl teacher
43:54School girl teacher
43:55School girl though really
43:58Yeah no
43:58Because the specialist term
43:59For the school girl
44:00Yeah
44:00You are a pedo
44:04No it's good
44:04Look at the positive
44:05You get to be on a list
44:06That's nice
44:08That's nice
44:08Everyone in the neighbourhood
44:09Knows where you live
44:11That's convenient isn't it
44:13Do you make her dress up
44:14As a school girl?
44:17She's done it
44:17She's done it
44:21Have her washed
44:21And brought to my room
44:25I'm joking
44:26Don't wash her
44:29Yes
44:40Dad
44:48Well ladies and gentlemen
44:49This is what I do for a living
44:50I think of little jokes in my head
44:51And then I tell them to you
44:52So that you'll like me
44:55Sounds a bit tragic
44:56When I say
44:57What was that?
44:58It's not working
45:00Well you can fuck off
45:03Where are you?
45:04It's not working man
45:04Give us a wave
45:06What do you do sir?
45:08Telecoms
45:08You do telecoms
45:12What do you do?
45:13Do you
45:13I do you
45:16I do you telephone
45:21What sorry?
45:22Build telephone networks
45:24You build them networks
45:26Ironically working communications
45:28And can hardly
45:30Can hardly string a fucking sentence together
45:34What sorry?
45:36I've got a big nose
45:38I literally don't have a big nose
45:41That's a weird
45:42That's like an insult
45:43You've heard someone else use
45:44And you've gone
45:44I've got a big fucking laugh
45:45That's going to work best
45:47With a comic with a big nose
45:49What's your name sir?
45:51Thomas
45:52What do you do Thomas?
45:54You're a student
45:55What are you studying?
46:00Mathematics
46:02Are you at school Thomas?
46:04I don't know if we should continue this any further
46:06Because it's starting to feel like grooming
46:10Are you at school?
46:11Yeah I'm at school
46:13You've got a big nose
46:17I haven't
46:20Any other heckles?
46:24Oh what was that?
46:25That sounded good
46:25Go on what was that?
46:27What was it?
46:29I'm a paedophile
46:30I was just fucking chatting to him
46:32I've done nothing
46:40Who's come the furthest?
46:41Has anyone come from like
46:42A long way away?
46:43Overseas?
46:44Can the island?
46:50Right now
46:51Now I know Canvey Island
46:52So I happen to know
46:52That you've not come a long way
46:54From your home
46:55You've just brought it with you
46:58Did you come with him?
47:01No good
47:03Canvey Island's the furthest anyone came
47:04Well fuck yeah
47:06You were all in the area anyway
47:08Were you?
47:09What's that?
47:14Was that Dover?
47:16Where you were castrated
47:17Before you got a chance to
47:22Right
47:24Were you worried about sounding silly
47:26So you thought
47:26Well I'll put on a ludicrous
47:27High-pitched voice
47:30That should sort things out
47:31Shouldn't it?
47:32So you're a sailor
47:33Are you?
47:38Imagine my surprise at your high-pitched voice
47:41What sorry?
47:44Posh prick
47:47Posh prick seems a bit harsh
47:50What's uh
47:50What's your name sir?
47:52Miles
47:57Miles
47:59And you think I might be a bit posh
48:01Alright Miles
48:02What's your favourite colour?
48:04Blue
48:04Seems like the fairest way to deal with this
48:08B-L-U-E
48:11Number between one and eight Miles
48:13Four
48:14Four
48:14Alright
48:16Ooh
48:16It says if you've come as a cunt
48:18You've won
48:20Bit of good news
48:31Are you alright in the back?
48:33Hooray
48:34Excellent
48:34It's nice to hear that
48:35Because often when I go to comedy shows
48:36And I go to them all the time
48:37I love coming out to see live comedy
48:39The thing is though
48:39If I'm sat right in the back
48:40I'm a little bit disappointed
48:41Always get my ticket and go
48:42Oh for fuck's sake
48:43I'm fucking miles away
48:44But there are of course advantages
48:45To being right at the back
48:46You get more of a sense of theatre
48:47Of people coming together
48:48And sharing a sense of humour
48:49What a wonderful thing that is
48:50The great British musical spirit
48:52And also if you're right at the back
48:53This sort of thing won't happen
48:55I fucked your mum
49:03That's not going to happen to any of you
49:06I've got nothing but respect for your mums
49:09They're hard-working decent women
49:11Your mum still owes me a tenner
49:15I'm joking
49:16I owe her a tenner
49:20Bluff
49:21I'm your real dad
49:25Kidding, no one knows who your real dad is
49:28That isn't your mum there, is it?
49:32Sorry
49:43This is a bit awkward
49:45Hello sir
49:49She's brilliant in bed
49:50Isn't she?
49:55Sorry, I don't remember her
49:57What if that's the thing that annoys you?
50:01Not the fact I fucked your mum
50:02The fact
50:04You don't even remember fucking my mum
50:07I'm not being snobbish
50:09But I think you know your comment
50:10If you're at the same school as your mum
50:16This is a bit snobbish
50:17Do you get annoyed by kids
50:18That can't use cutlery properly?
50:19That irritates me
50:19If they can't use cutlery properly
50:21Oh
50:21And that would add insult to injury, wouldn't it?
50:23If you got stabbed by some asbo-yob
50:27And they were holding the knife like a pen
50:31At what point
50:31And really I'm asking the men
50:32At what point do you get paranoid
50:33About receiving enlarge your penis emails?
50:38It's not just me getting them, is it?
50:41It's just I'm currently getting about ten a day
50:44Eight of them are from my girlfriend
50:47The two from my mum that really hurt
50:51My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her
50:52I said, all right, fatty
50:57Things don't always work out the way you think
50:59I always thought it was going to be my mum
51:01That would catch me masturbating
51:06Being you're shocked, imagine my surprise
51:09I've got no problem buying tampons
51:11I'm a fairly modern man
51:13But apparently they're not a proper present
51:23Happy birthday, Mum
51:26Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad
51:28That's embarrassing
51:28I didn't even know they'd use the camcorder
51:32You know those anti-AIDS red ribbons?
51:36You don't see so many of them around these days, do you?
51:39Hmm
51:42That is, I think, because these so-called anti-AIDS ribbons
51:44Actually offer no protection
51:49You think you're upset?
51:50I found out from a bloke in The Gents
51:54Do you realise that last joke makes me sound a little bit gay?
51:56I'm not
51:57I realise I'm wearing the kind of shirt that's often lifted
52:02But I'm not
52:02My own mum thought I was gay
52:03When I was 19, my mum was convinced I was gay
52:05It's very difficult to convince your mum you're not gay
52:07Until we got a camcorder, I was fucked
52:12My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex
52:16Not the best advice I've ever been given
52:19I burst him through the bedroom door saying, can I have a new bike?
52:22He was very upset
52:24His secretary was surprisingly nice about it
52:27I got the bike
52:29My absolute favourite Christian organisation of all time
52:32It's called Christians Against Teenage Pregnancies
52:35That's the Everest of hypocrisy, isn't it?
52:37If Jesus taught us nothing else, he taught us that the unwanted babies of teenage mums can turn out all
52:41right
52:46You look as if you didn't quite understand that
52:49Do you know who the protagonist is?
52:50It's Jesus
52:52Born at Christmas or Easter
52:53You must have heard of him
52:55King of the Jews
52:56Best Jew ever
52:59He could walk on water
53:01Well, he probably couldn't walk on water
53:03His mum probably just exaggerated
53:04He was probably very good on ice skates
53:08Well, this is the last one I'm going to leave you with this, ladies and gentlemen
53:10It's been a pleasure talking to you this evening
53:12Obviously, this is a lovely t-shirt
53:14World's best dad
53:16I don't know, are there any dads in?
53:19This may be a nice thing for you to wear around the house
53:21World's best dad
53:22Nice, you wear that with pride
53:23World's best dad
53:25I fucked your mum
53:29Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr
53:31Thank you for watching my YouTube channel
53:33Now, there's a scientific theory that states
53:35You laugh 30 times more when you're in a room with other people
53:38Than when you're watching something on a screen
53:40So, why not come and see me live?
53:42It's jimmycarr.com for tickets
53:44And I'm pretty much everywhere
53:46See you then
Comments