- 2 days ago
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00:00I went to a pub quiz the other night, Native Cancer Research.
00:03I found myself halfway through thinking,
00:05how much closer to a cure for cancer are we getting by doing a pub quiz?
00:10And then I thought, well, don't be cynical, look at the best case scenario.
00:12What if they throw in the question, what's the cure for cancer?
00:14And someone flukes it.
00:20I've got a question for you. Child cruelty, what do you think? Good thing, bad thing?
00:25It's a bad thing, yeah, well done, sir.
00:28I think it's universally acknowledged that child cruelty is a very bad thing,
00:31and yet there are adverts on our TVs every day saying, don't smack children.
00:34Never an excuse to smack a child.
00:36That's just telling us the blatantly obvious, isn't it?
00:38I think they should have to take a little bit of the money they spend on those adverts
00:41telling us not to smack our children,
00:42and spend a bit on an advert aimed specifically at children.
00:45Simply saying, behave.
00:50Let's face it, there's no smoke without fire.
00:53No one's putting out cigarettes on children
00:55that are just quietly colouring in in the corner, are they?
01:01I'll tell you what, let's talk about religion.
01:03That couldn't possibly upset anyone.
01:06If Jesus is the way,
01:08and to be a Christian is to be in Christ,
01:10then aren't all Christians just in the way.
01:15Jesus says he loves me,
01:17but I worry about the age gap.
01:27Now you'll notice,
01:28out of deference and respect
01:30to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ,
01:33I've let him bum me.
01:41I've got a Muslim friend who's really religious.
01:52I've got a Muslim friend who's really religious.
01:54He knows the Koran backwards,
01:56which is handy, because that's how you read it.
02:00Surprisingly well-informed and inoffensive joke about the Islamic faith.
02:03And that's because I'm not a fucking idiot.
02:09What are the Christians going to do?
02:11Forgive me.
02:13Good luck with that.
02:16Speaking of Christians, any Catholics in?
02:19Got a few Catholics?
02:20Catholics are a weird bunch.
02:23Look at the rosary.
02:24Basically, anal beads.
02:32The other thing I've noticed with books is, like,
02:33anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly.
02:36Look at the Bible.
02:37That's still a bestseller,
02:38even though they give it away in hotels.
02:42I guess you could say I haven't found Jesus,
02:44but then I think Jesus should try and find me.
02:47He's omnipotent.
02:47I'm Montelli.
02:48How tough's that?
02:50Make a fucking effort, Christ.
02:53Or Christ.
02:54Make a fucking effort.
02:54That works either way.
02:56I'm cynical about religion,
02:57but I'm not a cynic.
02:58I do believe in other things.
02:59I'm willing to believe in aliens, for example.
03:01I mean, if aliens don't exist,
03:02then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13
03:04and transported me to a room full of weird flashing lights
03:06and subjected me to a terrifying rectal probing?
03:10Well, that's right.
03:11It was the guy that ran the youth centre disco.
03:16No.
03:19The thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic.
03:22Any other Catholics in?
03:24It's a weird thing, isn't it?
03:25Like a Catholic school.
03:26If you go to Catholic school,
03:27sex education is very odd.
03:29Sex education, they don't want kids to be told about sex.
03:31They want to show them.
03:41The Catholic church are weird.
03:43The only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is fucking young boys.
03:51I've got a friend that recently had an abortion.
03:54But on the positive side, slimmer of the month.
03:59She got a badge and a round of applause.
04:01She can't believe her luck.
04:04On the subject of abortions, a lot of people support a woman's right to choose.
04:07But I think, if I'm paying for it...
04:12I'm joking, I never pay.
04:15Doesn't cost anything to fall down the stairs, does it?
04:21Some of these girls, I swear, they think I'm made of coat hangers.
04:31Well, I've got a few of you.
04:34Just a few of you of the hardcore, not offended by anything so far.
04:37See if we can pick you off.
04:40I discovered the hard way, the worst way to start a benefit gig for abused children,
04:44is with an apology.
04:49I said I was sorry, I don't see what the fuss was about.
04:53If men fall asleep directly after sex,
04:56why is it so difficult to catch a rapist?
05:04No one offended.
05:05Right, let's bring out the big guns.
05:07Hitler and Pol Pot.
05:10Unquestionably, two of history's biggest cunts.
05:13But let's try and see the good in the bad.
05:15And both Hitler and Pol Pot
05:16managed to conduct an awful lot of medical research
05:19without hurting any animals.
05:26I put it to you, if you're not even a little bit offended,
05:28you haven't really understood that.
05:30As head of the Catholic Church,
05:32Pope Benedict is the boss of every Catholic priest in the world.
05:34He's effectively king of the pedos.
05:39I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself,
05:42so they defrocked him.
05:46They don't help themselves, do they?
05:48Well, they do, that's part of the problem.
05:52This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees.
05:58You've got to finish that one in your own head.
06:00Somewhat ironically.
06:06I personally, I don't think the Pope should worry about the sex scandal.
06:08It'll all get sorted out soon enough
06:09when Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour,
06:11comes back from the made up.
06:15Seriously, let's try and lighten the mood, shall we?
06:17Let's lighten the mood a little bit.
06:17Look, when I read about that Austrian fella...
06:23It was bound to come up, wasn't it?
06:25When I read about Joseph Fritzl building a cellar under his house
06:29to imprison his own daughter for 24 years
06:31so he could systematically torture and abuse
06:34two generations of his own family,
06:36here's my first thought.
06:37This is how middle-class I am.
06:38And my first thought was,
06:39I bet he didn't have planning permission for that.
06:43Oh, we'd all like to add some square footage,
06:45but there are some fucking rules, mate.
06:49A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually.
06:54Well, how is that a laughing matter?
06:56A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually.
06:57I'm not going to go into details.
06:58Suffice it to say, I arrived early.
07:01My girlfriend said,
07:02don't worry, that happens to a lot of guys.
07:04I said, right, there's two things that matter with that.
07:07Firstly, who are these a lot of guys?
07:09And secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us,
07:11don't you think it could be your fault?
07:17She says there's never an excuse to raise your hand to a woman.
07:20What if you've got a question?
07:24She says that because she's a woman,
07:25she's good at doing two things at the same time.
07:27If that's the case, why is a threesome out of the question?
07:31Any gay priests sin?
07:35No, I'm just, for those of you that don't know,
07:37the collective noun for gay priests,
07:39priests.
07:41It's an easy one to remember, isn't it?
07:43No, because gay priests were in the news,
07:45because if you're a gay priest,
07:46you can now marry another gay priest,
07:47and they weren't allowed to for ages,
07:48because it was going to be confusing during the ceremony,
07:51because would they say,
07:52do you take this man, or
07:56does he
07:58take you?
08:00Who's the mummy?
08:03Seems a bit awkward.
08:05I'd like to meet a gay priest, though,
08:06because normally priests do that sort of
08:08nomine patre, filio fish thing,
08:10whatever that is.
08:11I imagine a gay priest would be a little bit more...
08:16A little bit more razzmatazz.
08:18Jesus Christ, you look amazing.
08:27Yeah, I'm going to kneel down before you.
08:30I saw a headline in the paper,
08:32it said,
08:32man held after rape.
08:34I thought they cuddled.
08:39I called the Rape Helpline Centre,
08:41they suggested I bought a balaclava.
08:45PC has gone mad,
08:47you can't say Siamese anymore,
08:48so I guess my cat is a conjoined twin.
08:52Speaking of hilarious birth defects...
08:57Did you all read about that little girl
08:59born in India with eight limbs?
09:02Incredible.
09:02She was born into a Hindu family,
09:04so they thought she might be
09:05the reincarnation of a goddess.
09:06That or a spider.
09:09But the test for that is pretty simple,
09:11they just pop them in a bath
09:12and see if they can get out on their own.
09:16How annoyed would you be
09:17if you got home and your partner said to you,
09:18what, I've got HIV?
09:19I'd be fucking livid.
09:22It's H.
09:28I like to try and see the silver lining,
09:30I see the world through rose-tinted glasses,
09:32I think it's because of this job.
09:33Even something as awful as the AIDS epidemic,
09:35I like to think of AIDS,
09:35in my little head,
09:36as a massive game of gay it.
09:40Gotcha.
09:42Chase me.
09:44Sorry, I don't want to sound homophobic,
09:46all homosexuals are fucking arseholes.
09:52Are you all aware of what snowballing is,
09:54the sexual practice snowballing?
09:55Yeah.
09:56One blade down.
09:57Who, is that down there?
09:59Quite proud of that.
10:00Well done.
10:01Everyone else, none the white.
10:02Okay, well I'll explain.
10:03It says something about you.
10:05Snowballing is a sexual practice
10:07where having administered oral sex,
10:08your partner doesn't spit or swallow,
10:10so much as return to sender via a kiss.
10:14Oh, you're looking shocked and appalled
10:15as I explain that to you.
10:17Let me assure you,
10:18I found out the hard way.
10:20I saw a documentary recently on Channel 4,
10:22it was all about faith,
10:23and in it someone went,
10:24well of course Scientology is a made-up religion.
10:28I thought, as opposed to...
10:32So one of my favourite things
10:33is to get Christians talking about Scientology.
10:35Because the Christian will go,
10:37Scientologists, they're nutters,
10:38they believe in aliens.
10:39And then you can say to the Christian,
10:40what do you believe in again?
10:42It's a benevolent zombie
10:43that's coming back to save you, isn't it?
10:45Good luck with that,
10:46that will probably happen.
10:50Has anyone been to Belfast?
10:53Belfast, an amazing town,
10:54very friendly place.
10:55The amazing thing about Belfast,
10:56they can tell what religion you are
10:58just from your name.
10:59I went there with my friend, Rabbi Lionel.
11:02They just knew.
11:07Men think about sex every seven seconds,
11:09which I think makes talking to your dad
11:11creepy.
11:16People say the book's always better than the film.
11:18Yeah, the book's always better than the film.
11:20I don't agree with that.
11:21I can think of loads of films
11:22that are much better than the book.
11:23Cum-guzzling sluts.
11:26I must have seen that film a hundred times.
11:29It's much better than the book.
11:30The book's all stuck together
11:31and it smells funny.
11:38Applauding that, you should be ashamed of yourself.
11:41Size isn't important,
11:42it's what you do with it.
11:43Would you agree with that, ladies?
11:44No!
11:46When I was a kid,
11:47I had an imaginary friend
11:48and I used to think
11:48that he went everywhere with me
11:49and that I could talk to him
11:50and he could hear me
11:51and that he could grant me wishes and stuff.
11:53And then I grew up
11:55and I stopped going to church.
12:00Oh, that seems to have divided the room somewhat.
12:02There's two distinct groups there.
12:04There's people who thought that was funny
12:05and then there's a larger group
12:05who will be going to heaven.
12:10While we're on the subject of religion,
12:11I imagine there's quite a few people in here
12:13that go to mass
12:14or wherever Protestants go.
12:16Hell, I bet you.
12:18Have you all seen the new Mel Gibson film?
12:21The Passion of the Christ.
12:22It's upset an awful lot of Christians.
12:23They're up in arms about it.
12:24He's made a film about the life of Christ
12:26but he's tacked on this silly Hollywood ending
12:27where the hero comes back at the end.
12:41Does she love the little baby Jesus?
12:45Does she love the little baby Jesus or not?
12:48Well, what I'd like to do now, ladies and gentlemen,
12:50is tell you what this show is actually about.
12:51I've had an extraordinary 12 months.
12:53I've had a life-changing experience.
12:55I was a very cynical man
12:57and I didn't really have any religion in my life
12:59and I've let spirituality in
13:01in the last 12 months
13:02and it's been extraordinary.
13:03So this evening, what I'd really like to do
13:04is to testify...
13:05I'm joking, there's no God.
13:08Grow up.
13:09Unless, of course, you're Muslim
13:10in which case there definitely is a God.
13:14I'm not a fucking idiot.
13:23Seriously, I don't mind upsetting the Church of England.
13:25What are they going to do?
13:26Hold a fate?
13:33I'm sure there are Christians out there in the audience now
13:36thinking if I get hold of that Jimmy Carr,
13:37I'm going to bloody well forgive him.
13:44Creationists, the right-wing Christians,
13:45creationists believe every word Genesis says.
13:48I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.
13:53This is quite sad.
13:54I was sexually abused as a child
13:55and I'm worried that my personality and history
13:57will lead me to abuse others.
14:00Have you thought about a career in the Catholic Church?
14:06Any Catholics in?
14:09Stop touching kids?
14:14I was raised Catholic.
14:15The thing that used to annoy me about church
14:16when I was little
14:17was all the standing up
14:18and sitting down and kneeling.
14:19I wish the priest could just pick a position
14:21and fuck me.
14:27I just think if it's your ultimate sexual fantasy,
14:29you're only limited by your imagination.
14:31Two women at the same time is a bit lame.
14:32You can have anything you want.
14:33You could have a woman with 15 tits
14:35riding a unicorn across a rainbow.
14:38Never mind.
14:39Two women at the same time.
14:40I mean, at least, at the very least,
14:41go for three.
14:43Because think about it.
14:44How much better would it be
14:45having sex with two beautiful, attractive women
14:48if you were safe in the knowledge
14:49all the while you were fucking them,
14:50there was another one outside washing the car?
14:54That would make it just a little bit better,
14:56wouldn't it?
14:57I told my girlfriend
14:58my ultimate sexual fantasy
14:59was to have two women at the same time
15:00and she agreed.
15:02But then she was livid when I told her
15:03she wasn't either of them.
15:07She was going to be the one outside
15:08washing the car.
15:11What, he hung out with 12 sailors?
15:14Fishermen, whatever.
15:16I'm going away.
15:17We're having a dinner.
15:18No girls.
15:23The church wanted to move forward
15:24on female bishops
15:25but bishops can only move diagonally.
15:29Gay priests can move wherever they want
15:31because they are queens.
15:36All together or not at all
15:37on the applause.
15:39Otherwise we've got to throw you
15:40a fucking fish.
15:43Thanks very much.
15:45I don't believe in God.
15:46I'm actually an atheist.
15:47Well, not even an atheist.
15:48Sorry.
15:49I don't believe in God.
15:50I'm not even an atheist.
15:51I'm what you might call an anti-theist.
15:53I think religion is a bad idea.
15:54I think it's a tool
15:55used by the powers that be
15:56to control the weak-minded
15:58in our society.
15:59But you can't pull that on a form
16:00so I just write Church of England.
16:04I'm actually a lapsed Catholic.
16:05Any Catholics in?
16:07Oh, quite a few over there, yeah.
16:08I'm a lapsed Catholic.
16:09I knew my days were over
16:10in the Catholic Church
16:11when I found myself
16:12at communion thinking
16:13I like the wine.
16:15I'm loving the wafer.
16:17Any chance of a bit of cheese?
16:21Don't get me wrong though.
16:22I still respect the Pope.
16:23I like to think of the Pope
16:24as King of the Pedos.
16:28He's the best one.
16:29He's the ringleader.
16:32He's Gary Glitter's boss.
16:39Churches are depressing.
16:41I mean, why build all of them
16:42in graveyards?
16:45My local church is raising money
16:47for a giant thermometer.
16:53Having sex with someone
16:54at work is alright.
16:55As long as you don't work
16:56in a primary school.
17:03I've got a friend
17:03who's a part-time teacher.
17:05Well, they're all part-time.
17:08My girlfriend said to me
17:10during sex.
17:11She said,
17:11did you remember
17:12to lock the front door?
17:13I said, yeah,
17:14there's no way
17:14you're going to escape.
17:17This one's rather predictable
17:18but it's kind of fun as well.
17:19It's the Christian alliance
17:20against bad language.
17:22Can fuck off.
17:27I've got another religious one now
17:28but for a reason.
17:29This is the best-selling
17:29t-shirt ever in the world
17:30to Jesus Loves You.
17:31It's the most popular
17:32t-shirt ever.
17:33Jesus Loves You.
17:34He's not in love with you.
17:37I was going to go for
17:38he's not fussy about looks.
17:41I thought no.
17:42Incidentally,
17:42if we're all God's children,
17:43what's so special
17:44about Jesus?
17:51This is Love Hurts.
17:53It's a nice sentiment,
17:54isn't it?
17:54Love Hurts.
17:55Sort of shows
17:56a sensitive side.
17:57Love Hurts.
17:59Try a lubricated finger.
18:03Men.
18:03Men tend to fall asleep
18:04directly after sex.
18:06All I'm saying is
18:07maybe for women
18:08put a bit more into it.
18:12Sorry,
18:13that's not meant
18:13to be misogynistic
18:14in any way.
18:15I was reading
18:16in Tits and Arse magazine.
18:18Very interesting
18:19and informative article.
18:20It was about the difficulties
18:21of asking your partner
18:22for anal sex.
18:23It was entitled
18:23What if she takes it
18:24the wrong way?
18:27Sorry,
18:28I can see you're shifting
18:28uncomfortably there.
18:30I didn't mean to offend you.
18:31I'm sure whatever you decide
18:31about anal sex,
18:32I'm sure he'll be right behind you.
18:35It's easier to get forgiveness
18:36than permission.
18:41Just thought I'd slip that in.
18:44I'm 10 years into a relationship now.
18:46Anyone be there
18:46anyone longer than 10 years?
18:48What's the longest
18:49we've got in the room?
18:5113.
18:5213?
18:5326.
18:5326.
18:54Anyone more than 26?
18:5628?
18:58More than 28?
18:59How long?
19:01Sorry?
19:03You've been together
19:04for 43 years?
19:07I think.
19:08Come on,
19:0843 years.
19:11Now,
19:13I obviously,
19:13I don't know
19:14what it's like
19:15after 43 years.
19:16I think that's
19:16an extraordinary commitment,
19:17especially in this day and age.
19:18That is quite something.
19:18But I don't know
19:19if it's the same for you
19:19because I've only been together
19:20with my girl for 10 years.
19:22But things have got
19:23quite predictable
19:24in the bedroom.
19:26Now,
19:26when I lower
19:27my entire ball bag
19:28into her mouth,
19:31she is pretty much
19:32guaranteed to wake up.
19:37Same?
19:38Same?
19:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:43You couldn't see that.
19:44He just went,
19:44yeah, same.
19:48You look worried
19:49on their behalf.
19:50They've been married
19:5043 years.
19:51Don't panic.
19:51They've tried everything.
19:54What's your relationship
19:55with them?
19:55How do you know them?
19:57That's your mum and dad.
20:00That's nice.
20:04Well, I hope
20:05the image of your dad
20:05teabagging your mum
20:07hasn't...
20:07I hope
20:09I for one...
20:14Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:17I don't know about
20:18looking your parents
20:18in the eyes again.
20:19I don't think you'll be able
20:20to drink tea.
20:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:25Hi.
20:27Anne Whiddicombe.
20:29George Clooney.
20:30If you had to.
20:34You'd go for Anne Whiddicombe?
20:36Are you mental?
20:39She's got a face like a bulldog
20:41licking the piss off a nettle.
20:44And she's a hell of a size.
20:45You're a slip of a lad.
20:46She'd fuck you in half.
20:48And that is only where
20:49your problems begin
20:49because I imagine
20:50her peachy pouch,
20:52her la-la,
20:53her foo-foo,
20:54her Wendy,
20:55her special lady garden.
20:56Call it what you will,
20:57I bet it looks like
20:57a badger that's been hit
20:58with a shotgun.
21:06I bet there are police divers
21:08that would be squeamish
21:09about going down on that.
21:11I bet it looks like
21:12a bulldog eating mayonnaise.
21:21I bet George Clooney's got
21:22the prettiest cock
21:23you've ever seen.
21:26Why don't you just spit-roaster?
21:27You're suggesting
21:28I double-teamed
21:30Anne Widdicombe
21:31with George Clooney.
21:33Now that is a celebrity
21:35sex tape
21:35that would sell.
21:44I went to a pub quiz
21:45the other night
21:46in aid of cancer research.
21:48I found myself
21:49halfway through thinking,
21:50well, how much closer
21:51to a cure for cancer
21:51are we getting
21:53by doing a pub quiz?
21:54And then I thought,
21:55well, don't be cynical,
21:56look at the best case scenario.
21:57What if they throw in
21:58the question,
21:58what's the cure for cancer?
21:59And someone flukes it.
22:05I've got a question for you.
22:06Child cruelty,
22:06what do you think?
22:07Good thing, bad thing?
22:10It's a bad thing.
22:10Yeah, well done, sir.
22:13I think it's universally acknowledged
22:14that child cruelty
22:15is a very bad thing
22:15and yet there are adverts
22:16on our TVs every day
22:17saying don't smack children.
22:19Never an excuse
22:19to smack a child.
22:20That's just telling us
22:21the blatantly obvious,
22:22isn't it?
22:23I think they should have
22:24to take a little bit
22:24of the money they spend
22:25on those adverts
22:25telling us not to smack
22:26our children
22:27and spend a bit on an advert
22:28aimed specifically at children.
22:30Simply saying,
22:31behave.
22:35Let's face it,
22:36there's no smoke
22:36without fire.
22:38No one's putting out
22:39cigarettes on children
22:40that are just quietly
22:41colouring in in the corner,
22:42are they?
22:45Well, the teachers,
22:46give us a shout,
22:46the teachers.
22:48And what was it
22:49that first attracted you
22:50to children?
22:54Not all teachers,
22:54obviously,
22:55that would be mental,
22:55but PE teachers,
22:56they're wrong-uns.
22:58You know what PE is short for?
23:01Pedo.
23:02It's a fact.
23:05You can look that up.
23:10You know why so many
23:11American kids
23:11die in high school massacres?
23:14It's because they're not
23:14allowed to run
23:15in the corridors.
23:20Take your time with that,
23:20that's wrong
23:21on a number of levels.
23:25It's very difficult.
23:25I don't know if you've
23:26noticed this, Birmingham.
23:27It's very difficult
23:27to get the first kiss right.
23:29You want to be firm,
23:31but gentle.
23:32You want to be manly,
23:33but you don't want
23:34to wake her up.
23:38This is the harshest heckle
23:39I've ever had to deal with.
23:40I was doing a gig
23:41in Edinburgh
23:42at late in life.
23:43It doesn't start
23:43until one o'clock
23:44in the morning,
23:44so they're all out
23:45of their minds
23:46on heroin and shortbread.
23:54OK, so it's a late night gig.
23:55Everyone's drunk
23:56and high
23:56and out of their minds
23:57and it's all going
23:58quite well.
23:58I'm about 10 minutes
23:59into the gig
24:00and, you know,
24:00doing my usual thing.
24:01It's about eight years ago.
24:02I was pretty new
24:02to this game
24:03and this guy
24:04from the side
24:04shouts very clearly,
24:06loudly, confidently,
24:07just as I'm halfway
24:08through a joke,
24:09my mum died of cancer.
24:13I thought,
24:14I thought,
24:14shit, the bed,
24:15what the fuck?
24:16I thought,
24:17well,
24:17I'll do with this
24:17logically and in order.
24:18I said,
24:19well,
24:19firstly,
24:19I wasn't talking
24:20about mums
24:20and secondly,
24:21I wasn't talking
24:22about cancer
24:23and he came back
24:24with the epically harsh,
24:26no,
24:27but it was funnier
24:27than this.
24:30Do you know what,
24:31sorry?
24:31A ward sister.
24:32A ward sister.
24:33Well done.
24:34That's a great job.
24:35I always wanted to work
24:36in the medical profession.
24:37I wanted to be a doctor.
24:38So did I.
24:41Well,
24:41maybe if you'd worked harder.
24:47No,
24:47a ward sister's a perfect,
24:48yeah,
24:48it's a great job.
24:49It's a brilliant thing.
24:49But I always wanted to work
24:50in the medical profession
24:50because,
24:51you know,
24:51I'd like the lab coat
24:52and I thought the stethoscope
24:53was cool
24:54and I thought chicks
24:54would like me.
24:57Chicks would like me.
24:57I'm not quite sure
24:58what I was thinking.
24:59But I could never
25:00become a doctor
25:01because I didn't have
25:01the chemistry
25:01or the maths
25:02or the physics
25:02you needed to get in
25:03and also I'm quite
25:04an uncaring person.
25:07If someone's sick,
25:07I sort of think,
25:08fuck them.
25:11But I think
25:12I found a hospital
25:12in South London
25:13where I'd be able
25:13to get a job.
25:14It's the Wandsworth
25:15Hospice for Incurable Diseases.
25:18How tough could that be?
25:21You'd stroll in
25:21about 11.30,
25:22chat up with a couple
25:23of nurses,
25:24you know,
25:24check what's for lunch.
25:26A patient would come up.
25:27Can you do anything,
25:28doctor?
25:29Did you not read the sign?
25:35It would be remiss
25:36of me,
25:36ladies and gentlemen,
25:37not to talk to you
25:38all about the environment.
25:39Because that is
25:39the big issue
25:40which has upset
25:41the homeless no end.
25:43A carbon footprint
25:44is a metaphor
25:45for the mark
25:46you leave on the earth
25:46as you walk
25:47through your lives.
25:48Of course,
25:49I don't have one
25:49because I drive everywhere.
25:51And it is twice as bad
25:53if you're Christian
25:53because you've got Jesus
25:54traipsing alongside you.
25:58Gentlemen,
25:59if you have never
25:59tried to folate yourself,
26:01suck yourself off.
26:04I was saying what it meant,
26:05I wasn't saying
26:05suck yourself off.
26:07That wasn't an order.
26:09Gentlemen,
26:10if you've never
26:10tried to folate yourself,
26:12raise your hand now.
26:20That's my favourite bit
26:21of the show.
26:23It's the couples
26:24that have clearly
26:24been together for a while,
26:25they'll I best.
26:26It's the woman
26:26initially going...
26:29No, he said
26:30put your hand up,
26:30he never listens.
26:32And then the slow
26:33look of realisation.
26:36You're optimistic,
26:36you can't even
26:37touch your fucking toes.
26:43Quite a few of you
26:44down there
26:44have got your hands up,
26:45you guys.
26:45Did you all have a go
26:46on each other's,
26:46did you?
26:52I like the way,
26:52sorry,
26:53you guys,
26:54I presume you're
26:54someone's dad
26:55and then all the
26:55kids there.
26:56Is that the,
26:57yeah, okay,
26:57so you've got dad
26:57and then kid,
26:58kid, kid, kid, kid,
27:00kid, kid.
27:01And it went basically
27:02dad put his hand up
27:03and then son went,
27:04yeah,
27:05and then the next one
27:05went, yeah,
27:07and then the next one
27:08went, yeah,
27:08I've definitely
27:09never done that.
27:11Down the line.
27:12It was like
27:13a domino effect,
27:15but with horrible lies
27:16that make the baby
27:17Jesus cry.
27:20Even the little baby
27:21Jesus tried to
27:22suck his own car,
27:22come on.
27:25Can you say that?
27:26Yeah, sure you can,
27:26why not?
27:27The only thing better
27:28than being a doctor,
27:29I think,
27:29would be to be a vet.
27:30I'd love to be a vet
27:30because vets are like
27:31doctors,
27:32they're admired in the
27:32community.
27:33Is there any vets in
27:34by any chance?
27:36You're a vet.
27:37You're a student vet.
27:39You have picked a winner.
27:40The great thing about
27:41being a vet,
27:42and you're just a student
27:43vet,
27:43but the great thing
27:44about being a vet
27:44is you've got the
27:45joker card you can play.
27:46If you absolutely
27:47have to be somewhere
27:48at 6.30,
27:49you can play
27:50the joker card,
27:52the big injection.
27:54If you can't work out
27:55what the problem is,
27:56or it's too much bother,
27:57whoop,
27:57gone.
28:00That problem
28:00has gone away.
28:04The veterinary surgery,
28:05the local vets,
28:06has got an incinerator
28:06out the back
28:07for a reason.
28:08Because they're
28:09busy people.
28:11I've never once
28:12heard a doctor say,
28:13yeah,
28:13your 10-year-old boy
28:14he's had a good innings.
28:16He's quite severely
28:17asthmatic.
28:19You know,
28:19we could keep him alive
28:20with pills and injections
28:21and whatnot,
28:21but it's quite expensive
28:22and a little bit messy.
28:25It'd be much easier
28:25if I just put him
28:26off to sleep with this.
28:29If you're Scottish
28:30and you don't want to know
28:31how you're going to die,
28:32look away now.
28:34Heart disease.
28:38When my doctor told me
28:39I had heart problems,
28:40I took it with a pinch of salt.
28:43To cut a long story short,
28:46Frodo does it.
28:51Let's talk about faith
28:52and spirituality,
28:53an important part
28:53of our psyches,
28:54I'm sure you will agree.
28:55Christians say,
28:55and there may be Christians
28:56in this evening,
28:57Christians say,
28:58Jesus died for your sins.
29:00Be good.
29:01I say,
29:02he's already dead.
29:03Fuck it.
29:08What's he going to do?
29:09Get dead or fill
29:09your fucking boots, mate.
29:13Also,
29:13if he died for your sins
29:14and you don't do any sins,
29:15you've made him look
29:16a right cun.
29:20If you get arrested
29:21for making obscene phone calls
29:22and you get taken down
29:23to the station
29:23and you got one phone call,
29:27it's got to be
29:27a temptation, isn't it?
29:30Excuse me, officer,
29:31I'm just going to finish myself off.
29:35Well, I'll tell you
29:36why I've asked you all
29:36to come this evening,
29:37ladies and gentlemen.
29:38I'd like to talk to you
29:38about men that like obese women.
29:41I'm not talking about men
29:42that like women
29:43with a fuller figure.
29:43That seems entirely normal,
29:45natural and right.
29:45More cushion for the pushing,
29:47as I believe people say.
29:49I think that's the expression.
29:50No, I'm talking about men
29:51that like women who are
29:52can't leave the house fat.
29:55So, I'm not talking about
29:56anyone in here this evening.
29:58Unless, in order to get out,
29:59someone had to cut
29:59the side of the house off
30:01and there was some sort
30:02of winch involved.
30:04I'm not talking about
30:04people with water retention,
30:06I'm talking about people
30:06with cake retention.
30:09People that tell you
30:10they've got a thyroid problem.
30:12You say,
30:12oh, really, a thyroid problem?
30:13What are you taking for that?
30:14Pies?
30:20You know, the kind of girl
30:21that looks as if
30:22she makes a cracking breakfast.
30:24But wouldn't want
30:25to share it with you.
30:27I saw a thing on TV
30:28the other day, actually.
30:29It was on one of these
30:29kind of makeover shows
30:30that were on during the day.
30:32They did a makeover
30:33on a girl.
30:33She was 34 stone.
30:35It's like rearranging
30:36the deck chairs on the Titanic.
30:39I say a makeover,
30:39they gave her a fringe.
30:42Is that really going to
30:43turn the corner
30:44for a girl like that?
30:45That's what I'm asking.
30:46I don't think it will.
30:49I can't imagine the scenario
30:50where a guy, you know,
30:51he's drinking in a bar,
30:52he looks across,
30:53he sees a girl,
30:53she's 34 stone.
30:54It'd be tough to miss her,
30:55let's face it.
30:57He thinks to himself,
30:57she's a little bit big for me.
31:00Goes back to his drink.
31:01Meanwhile, the makeover team
31:02are in.
31:03Snip, snip, snip.
31:05He looks back,
31:06he thinks, actually,
31:06I would.
31:10It's the excuses
31:11that get me.
31:12The excuses are amazing.
31:13The camera adds 10 pounds.
31:15Stop eating fucking cameras.
31:19There used to be a problem
31:20with racism in this country.
31:21When my family moved here
31:22from Limerick,
31:23when my family moved here
31:24from Limerick in the 1970s,
31:25it was still commonplace,
31:26yeah,
31:27to have signs in hotels
31:28and B&Bs in the window
31:29saying no blacks,
31:30no dogs,
31:31no Irish.
31:31I thought this country
31:32had changed
31:33and changed for the better.
31:34I'm not so sure.
31:35I was in a shop the other day,
31:36they had a sign up
31:37saying cheque's not accepted.
31:41It's a disgrace.
31:43I saw a thing on Sky News,
31:44the bloke went,
31:45should Eastern European
31:45immigration be stopped.
31:46Let's see what the Poles
31:47have to say.
31:51It's a very poor choice
31:52of words.
31:53Everyone's dressed up
31:54it's a Saturday night.
31:55Let's start things properly.
31:55Let's have a round of applause
31:57for the ladies.
31:59Let's have a round of applause.
32:00Yeah.
32:00Yeah, quite right.
32:02Yeah.
32:03Actually,
32:04that's probably enough
32:05looking around.
32:06Some of them have made
32:07no effort.
32:10You do me the effort,
32:11have you?
32:12You've not made
32:13the effort,
32:13have you?
32:18Oh, bless him.
32:19Mongo, no lie.
32:22Look at you.
32:27I'm sorry,
32:28your comment there is
32:28I haven't made
32:29much of an effort.
32:30Well,
32:31there's some cameras
32:31and some fucking lights.
32:32I don't know
32:32what you had in mind.
32:35It's not like
32:35I come to your work
32:36and knock the sailors
32:37cocks out of your mouth,
32:38is it?
32:48Seems like a very weird
32:49thing from a quite
32:50a tough looking man
32:50from Glasgow to say.
32:52Oh, you've not made
32:53much of an effort.
32:55I thought you'd be
32:56dressed up prettier.
33:01It's a little bit
33:01prison rape coming
33:02from you, sir.
33:03That's what it feels like.
33:06My point,
33:07there's an incredible
33:08amount of pressure
33:08on women these days
33:09to be beautiful
33:10and thin
33:11and all I can say is
33:12we've got some very
33:13brave girls in here
33:13this evening,
33:14really.
33:16Terrific stuff.
33:19So there are some
33:20stunning looking women
33:21in here this evening
33:22and some white dogs.
33:24You know who you are.
33:27I'm joking.
33:28No one in here
33:29is stunning.
33:33I fucked a girl
33:34with one leg.
33:38Should have used
33:39my cock.
33:46You know I realise
33:47this joke does not
33:48require a mime.
33:50It's a Saturday
33:51night in Birmingham,
33:51come on.
33:54I said to my
33:55girlfriend,
33:55I said,
33:56do you want to
33:56experiment with a
33:57roleplay rape fantasy?
34:01She said,
34:02no.
34:03I said,
34:03that's the spirit.
34:14Rape is such a
34:15horrible word though.
34:15It's such a harsh,
34:16brutal, awful word.
34:17Rape.
34:18That's why I prefer
34:19to call it a
34:20struggle snuggle.
34:26You couldn't stay
34:27mad at a struggle
34:28snugglist, could you?
34:30Now for better
34:31for worse,
34:31this is a question
34:32I use to judge
34:32an audience,
34:33to judge individuals.
34:34If you could all
34:35answer,
34:35that would be
34:36great.
34:37Would you fuck
34:38your dad to
34:39save your mum?
34:45I don't know
34:46why you're looking
34:46so upset.
34:47It's easier for
34:47girls.
34:50He's ugly.
34:52He's ugly.
34:55Imagine that
34:56being a factor.
34:58Imagine thinking,
34:59yeah, I would fuck
34:59my dad,
34:59but he's not a
35:00looker.
35:02He's let himself
35:02go maybe five
35:03years ago.
35:06What would you
35:07say?
35:07He's there.
35:09He's there?
35:11Oh, hi.
35:18So do you mind me
35:19asking, is your mum
35:19here as well?
35:20Yes.
35:21She's there.
35:21Oh, brilliant.
35:22Well, we can actually
35:22do a proper test.
35:26Now, I've got snipers
35:27all the way around
35:28this building
35:29and they're pointing
35:30a gun at your
35:31mother, yeah?
35:32We're going to kill her.
35:33Your mum's been taken
35:33hostage.
35:34She's going to be killed.
35:35We would like you to
35:36bum your dad.
35:40It's difficult.
35:41Yeah, of course it's
35:42difficult.
35:42I'm not saying you
35:43wouldn't be thumbing in a
35:44softie.
35:44That's fine.
35:47I say let her die.
35:49You say let her die?
35:56Sorry, hang on.
35:57We're not in Norfolk.
35:58What are you booing?
36:00You're booing a man
36:01saying I wouldn't bum my
36:02dad.
36:03Just take a moment to
36:05think about that.
36:07All right, so you've
36:08made your decision.
36:12It's all right.
36:13It's all right, Mum.
36:15It's all right, Mum.
36:17Is that your daughter
36:18there?
36:19Yeah.
36:20Same question to you.
36:23Oh, I love my job.
36:28At what point did you
36:29think as a family
36:30this would be a good
36:30show to go and see?
36:32Never mind that
36:33Lion King bullshit.
36:35Let's bring the kids
36:36out to see a proper
36:37show where we openly
36:38discuss incest.
36:42A friend of mine
36:43quite recently, a
36:43couple of months ago,
36:44got proper old
36:45school flashed.
36:47Guy in a Mac at
36:49dusk in a park.
36:50One of those.
36:53Sorry, I've added
36:54that.
36:54I don't know if he
36:56did that.
36:57You would, though,
36:58wouldn't you?
36:58You'd give it a better
36:59cock slap.
37:01You'd probably treat
37:02her to the windmill,
37:03wouldn't you?
37:03Who are you hearing?
37:06Anyway, she got proper
37:07old school flashed
37:07and she shouted
37:08rape.
37:09I thought, don't give
37:10him ideas.
37:12Don't workshop it,
37:13you fucking lunatic.
37:16I saw a story in the
37:17local paper.
37:17It said an 83-year-old
37:18woman was marrying
37:19an 87-year-old man.
37:20I thought, oh,
37:21that's not going to
37:22last.
37:26I used to be quite
37:27religious and I'm
37:28fascinated by lots of
37:29religious groups.
37:29There's some brilliant
37:30ones.
37:30There's the people
37:31that wear the
37:32armbands, WWJD.
37:34It stands for
37:34What Would Jesus Do?
37:36And Christians wear
37:37them to remind them
37:38to be more like
37:38Christ in everyday
37:39life.
37:39They sort of see that
37:40and they're, oh,
37:41what would Jesus do
37:41in this situation?
37:42For the most part,
37:43they're very effective.
37:44They make people so
37:45annoying, you want to
37:45nail them to a cross.
37:50My absolute favourite
37:51Christian organisation
37:52of all time, it's
37:53called Christians
37:53Against Teenage
37:54Pregnancies.
37:56That's the Everest
37:57of hypocrisy, isn't
37:58it?
37:58If Jesus taught us
37:59nothing else, he
38:00taught us that the
38:00unwanted babies of
38:01teenage mums can turn
38:02out all right.
38:07You look as if you
38:08didn't quite understand
38:08that.
38:10Do you know who the
38:10protagonist is?
38:11It's Jesus.
38:13Born at Christmas or
38:13Easter.
38:14You must have heard
38:15of him.
38:16King of the Jews.
38:17Best Jew ever.
38:19He could walk on
38:21water.
38:22Well, he probably
38:22couldn't walk on
38:23water.
38:24His mum probably
38:24just exaggerated.
38:25He was probably
38:25very good on
38:26ice skates.
38:29He died for your
38:30sins.
38:31Come.
38:35You got arrested
38:36for flashing.
38:39Well, don't take
38:40it out on me.
38:45What do you mean
38:46you got arrested
38:46for flashing?
38:48Well, I was
38:49going for a piss.
38:50You were going
38:50for a piss?
38:51This sounds like
38:52bullshit to me.
38:54You were going
38:54for a piss.
38:55Where were you
38:55going for a piss?
38:56Set the scene
38:56for us.
38:57I've never met
38:57anyone that's
38:57flashed.
38:58Go on.
38:59Let's go for a
38:59piss in a primary
39:00school.
39:00He's in a car park.
39:03Go in a car park.
39:05Okay.
39:06In a car park
39:06outside.
39:07You're going for a
39:07piss.
39:08Court short.
39:09Late at night.
39:09Fine.
39:10Okay.
39:10I need a piss.
39:12So I went up
39:12against a tree.
39:13You went up
39:13against a tree.
39:14Turned out
39:15it wasn't a tree
39:15it was a fat
39:15girl.
39:21Go on.
39:21So you walked
39:22up to a tree
39:22to take a pee
39:23in a car park.
39:23This doesn't sound
39:24terrible.
39:24So far I'm on
39:25this guy's side.
39:26Go on.
39:27So there was a
39:28woman in the
39:28trees.
39:29There was a
39:29woman in the
39:30trees.
39:33Sounds like
39:34you've broken
39:34dogging etiquette
39:35by pissing
39:36on someone.
39:38So you went
39:39up to take
39:39a piss
39:39on a tree
39:40and there
39:41was a woman
39:41in the tree.
39:44She was walking.
39:45There's a pathway.
39:46She was walking.
39:46Okay.
39:47And it was outside
39:47a police station.
39:48And it was
39:48outside a police
39:49station.
39:51What kind
39:52of a fucking
39:52idiot are you?
39:55You went
39:56for a piss
39:56in the police
39:57station car park.
40:00Why don't
40:00you just turn
40:01yourself in?
40:02That's a cry
40:03for help
40:04if ever I
40:04heard one.
40:05Lock me up
40:06before I
40:06heard someone.
40:08And what?
40:09Did she scream?
40:09Did she complain?
40:10What happened?
40:10She went
40:11into the police
40:11station and
40:12they came out
40:13and arrested
40:13me for indecent
40:14exposure.
40:15They came out
40:15and arrested
40:16you for indecent
40:16exposure?
40:16Is it because
40:17you're a bit
40:17ginger?
40:20Do you think
40:21they would have
40:21let you off
40:21if you hadn't
40:22been quite as...
40:24I'm sorry
40:24about these
40:25lights as well.
40:25We could well
40:26be giving you
40:26skin cancer.
40:30PC has
40:31gone mad.
40:31You can't
40:32say Siamese
40:32anymore.
40:33So I guess
40:34my cat is a
40:34conjoined twin.
40:37Speaking of
40:37hilarious birth
40:39defects...
40:42Did you all read
40:43about that
40:43little girl
40:44born in India
40:45with eight
40:45limbs?
40:46Incredible.
40:47She was born
40:48into a Hindu
40:48family so they
40:49thought she might
40:49be the reincarnation
40:50of a goddess.
40:51That or a
40:52spider.
40:54But the test
40:55for that is
40:55pretty simple.
40:55They just pop
40:56them in a bath
40:56and see if they
40:57can get out
40:57on their own.
41:00How annoyed
41:01would you be
41:02if you got
41:02home and
41:02your partner
41:02said to you
41:03I've got HIV?
41:04I'd be
41:05fucking livid.
41:07It's H.
41:13I'll tell you
41:13what, let's talk
41:14about religion.
41:14That couldn't
41:15possibly upset
41:15anyone.
41:17If Jesus is
41:18the way
41:19and to be a
41:20Christian is to
41:20be in Christ
41:21then aren't all
41:22Christians just
41:23in the way.
41:27Jesus says
41:27he loves me
41:28but I worry
41:29about the age
41:29gap.
41:39Now you'll
41:39notice out of
41:40deference and
41:40respect to our
41:42Lord and Saviour
41:43Jesus Christ
41:44I've let him
41:45bum me.
41:52I've got a
41:53Muslim friend
41:53who's really
41:54religious.
41:58Feel the
41:59tension in the
42:00room.
42:03I've got a
42:04Muslim friend
42:05who's really
42:05religious.
42:05He knows the
42:06Quran backwards
42:07which is handy
42:09because that's
42:09how you read
42:10it.
42:11Surprisingly
42:12well informed
42:12and inoffensive
42:13joke about the
42:13Islamic faith
42:14and that's
42:15because I'm
42:15not a fucking
42:16idiot.
42:20What are
42:21the Christians
42:21going to do?
42:22Forgive me.
42:25Good luck
42:25with that.
42:28Speaking of
42:28Christians
42:28any Catholics
42:29in?
42:30A few Catholics?
42:31Catholics are
42:32a weird bunch.
42:34Look at the
42:34rosary.
42:35Basically
42:36anal beads.
42:43I've got a
42:44friend that
42:44recently had
42:45an abortion
42:46but on the
42:47positive side
42:49slimmer of
42:49the month.
42:52She got a
42:53badge and
42:53a round of
42:54applause.
42:54She can't
42:54believe her
42:54luck.
42:56On the
42:57subject of
42:57abortions a
42:58lot of people
42:58support a
42:59woman's right
42:59to choose
43:00but I think
43:01if I'm
43:02paying for
43:02it...
43:05I'm joking
43:06I never
43:06pay.
43:08Doesn't cost
43:08anything to
43:09fall down the
43:09stairs does it?
43:13some of
43:14these girls
43:14I swear
43:15they think
43:15I'm made
43:16of coat
43:16hangers.
43:24Well I've got a few
43:25of you.
43:27Just a few of you
43:28are the hardcore
43:28not offended by anything
43:29so far?
43:30See if we can pick you
43:31off.
43:33I discovered the hard
43:34way, the worst way to
43:35start a benefit gig for
43:36abused children is with
43:38an apology.
43:42I said I was sorry, I don't
43:43see what the fuss was
43:44about.
43:46If men fall asleep
43:47directly after sex, why is
43:50it so difficult to catch a
43:51rapist?
43:57No one offended.
43:58Right, let's bring out the
43:58big guns.
44:00Hitler and Pol Pot.
44:03Unquestionably two of
44:04history's biggest cunts.
44:06But let's try and see the
44:07good in the bad.
44:08And both Hitler and
44:09Pol Pot managed to
44:10conduct an awful lot of
44:11medical research without
44:12hurting any animals.
44:19I put it to you, if you're
44:20not even a little bit
44:21offended, you haven't
44:21really understood that.
44:24A couple of weeks ago I
44:25failed to perform sexually.
44:29How is that a laughing
44:30matter?
44:31A couple of weeks ago I
44:32failed to perform sexually,
44:33I'm not going to go into
44:33details, suffice it to say I
44:34arrived early.
44:36My girlfriend said don't
44:37worry that happens to a lot
44:38of guys.
44:39I said right, there's two
44:40things that matter with
44:41that.
44:42Firstly, who are these a lot
44:43of guys?
44:45And secondly, if it's
44:45happening to more than one
44:46of us, don't you think it
44:47could be your fault?
44:52She says there's never an
44:53excuse to raise your hand
44:54to a woman.
44:55What if you've got a
44:56question?
44:59She says that because she's
45:00a woman, she's good at doing
45:01two things at the same time.
45:02If that's the case, why is the
45:03threesome out of the question?
45:04I just think if it's your
45:05ultimate sexual fantasy, you're
45:07only limited by your
45:08imagination.
45:09Two women at the same time is
45:09a bit lame.
45:10You can have anything you
45:11want.
45:11You could have a woman with
45:1215 tits riding a unicorn
45:14across a rainbow.
45:16Never mind, two women at the
45:17same time.
45:18I mean, at least, at the very
45:19least, go for three.
45:21Because think about it, how
45:22much better would it be having
45:24sex with two beautiful,
45:25attractive women if you were
45:26safe in the knowledge all the
45:27while you were fucking them,
45:28there was another one outside
45:29washing the car.
45:32That would make it just a
45:33little bit better, wouldn't
45:34it?
45:35I told my girlfriend my
45:36ultimate sexual fantasy was
45:37to have two women at the same
45:38time, and she agreed.
45:39But then she was livid when I
45:41told her she wasn't either of
45:41them.
45:45She was going to be the one
45:46outside washing the car.
45:48The other thing I've noticed
45:49with books is, like, anything
45:50with a spiritual element always
45:52does brilliantly.
45:53Look at the Bible, that's still
45:54a bestseller, even though they
45:55give it away in hotels.
45:58I guess you could say I
45:59haven't found Jesus, but then
46:01I think Jesus should try and
46:02find me.
46:03He's omnipotent, I'm on
46:04telly, how tough's that?
46:06Make a fucking effort, Christ.
46:09Or Christ, make a fucking
46:10effort, that works either way.
46:12I'm cynical about religion,
46:13but I'm not a cynic, I do
46:15believe in other things.
46:15I'm willing to believe in
46:16aliens, for example.
46:17I mean, if aliens don't exist,
46:19then who was it that abducted
46:20me at the age of 13 and
46:21transported me to a room full
46:22of weird flashing lights and
46:23subjected me to a terrifying
46:25rectal probing?
46:27Well, that's right, it was the
46:28guy that ran the youth
46:28centre disco.
46:35The thing that put me off
46:36religion was I was raised
46:37Catholic.
46:38Any other Catholics in?
46:40It's a weird thing, isn't it?
46:41Catholic school, if you go to
46:43Catholic school, sex education
46:44is very odd.
46:45Sex education, they don't want
46:46kids to be told about sex.
46:48They want to show them.
46:58The Catholic Church are weird.
46:59The only kind of contraception
47:00they seem to approve of is
47:01fucking young boys.
47:06I went to a pub quiz the other night,
47:08native cancer research.
47:10I found myself halfway through
47:11thinking, well, how much closer
47:12to a cure for cancer are we
47:13getting by doing a pub quiz?
47:16And then I thought, well, don't
47:17be cynical, look at the best case
47:18scenario.
47:19What if they throw in the
47:19question, what's the cure for
47:20cancer?
47:21And someone flukes it.
47:26I've got a question for you.
47:27Child cruelty, what do you think?
47:28Good thing, bad thing?
47:31It's a bad thing, yeah.
47:32Well done, sir.
47:34I think it's universally
47:35acknowledged that child cruelty
47:36is a very bad thing, and yet
47:37there are adverts on our TVs
47:39every day saying, don't smack
47:40children, never an excuse to
47:41smack a child.
47:42That's just telling us the
47:43blatantly obvious, isn't it?
47:45I think they should have to
47:46take a little bit of the money
47:46they spend on those adverts
47:47telling us not to smack our
47:48children, and spend a bit on
47:50an advert aimed specifically at
47:51children, simply saying, behave.
47:57Let's face it, there's no smoke
47:58without fire.
48:00No one's putting out
48:01cigarettes on children that
48:02are just quietly colouring in
48:03in the corner, are they?
48:08When I was a kid, I had an
48:09imaginary friend, and I used
48:10to think that he went
48:11everywhere with me, and that
48:12I could talk to him, and he
48:12could hear me, and that he
48:13could grant me wishes and
48:14stuff.
48:15And then I grew up, and I
48:17stopped going to church.
48:22Oh, that seems to have
48:23divided the room somewhat.
48:25There's two distinct groups
48:25there, there's people who
48:26thought that was funny, and
48:27then there's a larger group
48:27who will be going to
48:28heaven.
48:32While we're on the subject
48:33of religion, I imagine
48:34there's quite a few people
48:35in here that go to mass,
48:36or wherever Protestants go.
48:38Hell, I bet you.
48:38I don't know.
48:40Have you all seen the new
48:41Mel Gibson film?
48:43The Passion of the Christ.
48:44It's upset an awful lot of
48:45Christians.
48:45They're up in arms about it.
48:46He's made a film about the
48:47life of Christ, but he's
48:48tacked on this silly Hollywood
48:49ending where the hero comes
48:50back at the end.
49:03Does she love the little baby
49:04Jesus, or?
49:07Does she love the little baby
49:08Jesus or not?
49:10This is quite sad.
49:11I was sexually abused as a
49:12child, and I'm worried that my
49:13personality and history will lead
49:14me to abuse others.
49:17Have you thought about a career
49:18in the Catholic Church?
49:23Any Catholics in?
49:26Stop touching kids?
49:31I was raised Catholic.
49:32The thing that used to annoy me
49:33about church when I was little
49:34was all the standing up and
49:35sitting down and kneeling.
49:36I wish the priest could just
49:37pick a position and fuck me.
49:42Are you all aware of what
49:43snowballing is?
49:44The sexual practice
49:44is snowballing.
49:46One blade down there.
49:47Who was that down there?
49:48Quite proud of that.
49:49Well done.
49:50Everyone else, none the one.
49:52Okay, well I'll explain.
49:53It says something about you.
49:55Snowballing is a sexual practice
49:56where having administered
49:57oral sex, your partner
49:58doesn't spit or swallow,
49:59so much as return to sender
50:01via a kiss.
50:03Oh, you're looking shocked
50:04and appalled as I explain
50:05that to you.
50:06I saw a documentary recently
50:08on Channel 4.
50:08It was all about faith.
50:09And in it, someone went,
50:10well of course Scientology
50:11is a made-up religion.
50:15I thought, as opposed to...
50:19It's one of my favourite things
50:20is to get Christians
50:20talking about Scientology.
50:22Because the Christian will go,
50:23Scientologists, they're nutters.
50:24They believe in aliens.
50:25And then you can say to the Christian,
50:26what do you believe in again?
50:28It's a benevolent zombie
50:29that's coming back to save you,
50:30isn't it?
50:32Good luck with that.
50:33That will probably happen.
50:36Has anyone been to Belfast?
50:39Belfast is an amazing town,
50:40very friendly place.
50:41The amazing thing about Belfast,
50:43they can tell what religion you are
50:44just from your name.
50:45I went there with my friend,
50:46Rabbi Lionel.
50:48They just knew.
50:52Any gay priests sin?
50:57For those of you that don't know
50:58the collective noun for gay priests,
51:01priests.
51:03It's an easy one to remember,
51:04isn't it?
51:05No, because gay priests were in the news.
51:06Because if you're a gay priest,
51:07you can now marry another gay priest.
51:09And they weren't allowed to for ages
51:10because it was going to be confusing
51:11during the ceremony.
51:12Because would they say,
51:13do you take this man
51:14or
51:17does he
51:19take you?
51:22Who's the mummy?
51:25Seems a bit awkward.
51:27I'd like to meet a gay priest, though,
51:28because normally priests do that sort of
51:29nomine patre,
51:31filio fish thing,
51:32whatever that is.
51:33I imagine a gay priest
51:34would be a little bit more
51:37a little bit more
51:39razzmatazz.
51:40Jesus Christ,
51:41you look amazing.
51:49Yeah, I'm going to kneel down
51:50before you.
51:55Churches are depressing.
51:57I mean,
51:58why build all of them
51:59in graveyards?
52:01My local church
52:03is raising money
52:03for a giant thermometer.
52:09What,
52:10are you hung out
52:10with 12 sailors?
52:13Fishermen,
52:14whatever.
52:15I'm going away,
52:16we're having a dinner,
52:17no girls.
52:22The church
52:22wanted to move forward
52:23on female bishops,
52:24but bishops can only move
52:25diagonally.
52:28Gay priests
52:29can move wherever they want
52:30because they are queens.
52:35Altogether or not at all
52:36on the applause.
52:38Otherwise,
52:38we've got to throw you
52:39a fucking fish.
52:42Thanks very much.
52:44I don't believe in God.
52:45I'm actually an atheist.
52:46Well, not even an atheist.
52:47I don't believe in God.
52:49I'm not even an atheist.
52:49I'm what you might call
52:50an anti-theist.
52:52I think religion
52:52is a bad idea.
52:53I think it's a tool
52:54used by the powers that be
52:55to control the weak-minded
52:57in our society.
52:58But you can't pull that
52:58on a form,
52:59so I just write
52:59Church of England.
53:02I'm actually a lapsed Catholic.
53:04Any Catholics in?
53:06Oh, quite a few over there, yeah.
53:07I'm a lapsed Catholic.
53:08I knew my days
53:09were over in the Catholic church
53:10when I found myself
53:11at communion
53:12thinking,
53:12I like the wine,
53:14I'm loving the wafer.
53:16Any chance
53:17of a bit of cheese?
53:20Don't get me wrong, though,
53:21I still respect the Pope.
53:22I like to think of the Pope
53:23as king of the pedos.
53:27He's the best one.
53:28He's the ringleader.
53:31He's Gary Glitter's boss.
53:35Men,
53:35men tend to fall asleep
53:36directly after sex.
53:38All I'm saying is,
53:39maybe for women,
53:40put a bit more into it.
53:44Sorry,
53:45that's not meant
53:45to be misogynistic
53:46in any way.
53:47I was reading
53:48in Tits and Arse magazine
53:49a very interesting
53:51and informative article.
53:52It was about the difficulties
53:53of asking your partner
53:53for anal sex.
53:55It was entitled,
53:55what if she takes it
53:56the wrong way?
53:59Sorry,
54:00I can see you're shifting
54:00uncomfortably there.
54:01I didn't mean to offend you.
54:03I'm sure whatever you decide
54:03about anal sex,
54:04I'm sure he'll be right behind you.
54:07It's easier to get
54:08forgiveness than permission.
54:13Just thought I'd slip that in.
54:16As head of the Catholic Church,
54:17Pope Benedict is the boss
54:19of every Catholic priest
54:19in the world.
54:20He's effectively
54:20king of the pedos.
54:25I read about a Catholic priest
54:26that exposed himself
54:27so they defrocked him.
54:31They don't help themselves,
54:32do they?
54:34Well, they do,
54:34that's part of the problem.
54:37This scandal could bring
54:38the Catholic Church
54:39to its knees.
54:43You've got to finish
54:44that one in your own head.
54:46Somewhat ironically.
54:51I personally,
54:52I don't think the Pope
54:52should worry about
54:53this ex-scandal.
54:53It all gets sorted out
54:54soon enough
54:55when Jesus Christ,
54:55our Lord and Saviour,
54:56comes back from the made up.
55:01This one's rather predictable,
55:02but it's kind of fun as well.
55:03It's the Christian alliance
55:04against bad language.
55:05Can fuck off.
55:11Got another religious one now,
55:12but for a reason.
55:12This is the best-selling
55:13t-shirt ever in the world.
55:14Jesus loves you.
55:15It's the most popular t-shirt ever.
55:16Jesus loves you.
55:18He's not in love with you.
55:20I was going to go for,
55:22he's not fussy about looks.
55:24I thought, no.
55:25Incidentally,
55:26if we're all God's children,
55:27what's so special about Jesus?
55:35This is love hurts.
55:37It's a nice sentiment,
55:38isn't it?
55:38Love hurts.
55:39Sort of shows a sensitive side.
55:41Love hurts.
55:42Try a lubricated finger.
55:47Let's try and lighten the mood,
55:48shall we?
55:48Let's lighten the mood a little bit.
55:49When I read about that Austrian fella,
55:55it was bound to come up,
55:56wasn't it?
55:57When I read about Joseph Fritzl
55:59building a cellar under his house
56:01to imprison his own daughter
56:02for 24 years
56:03so he could systematically torture
56:05and abuse
56:05two generations of his own family,
56:08here's my first thought.
56:09This is how middle-class I am.
56:10My first thought was,
56:11I bet he didn't have
56:11planning permission for that.
56:15Oh, we'd all like to add
56:16some square footage,
56:17but there are some fucking rules, mate.
56:20I'm 10 years into a relationship now.
56:22Anyone be there?
56:22Anyone longer than 10 years?
56:24What's the longest we've gone in the room?
56:2613.
56:2713?
56:2826.
56:2926.
56:30Anyone more than 26?
56:3228?
56:33More than 28?
56:35How long?
56:37Sorry?
56:39You've been together for 43 years?
56:43I think.
56:44Come on.
56:4443 years.
56:48Now, I obviously,
56:49I don't know what it's like
56:50after 43 years.
56:51I think that's an extraordinary commitment,
56:53especially in this day and age.
56:54That is quite something.
56:54But I don't know if it's the same for you,
56:55because I've only been together
56:56with my girl for 10 years,
56:57but things have got quite predictable
56:59in the bedroom.
57:02Now, when I lower my entire ball bag into her mouth,
57:07she is pretty much guaranteed to wake up.
57:13Same?
57:18Oh, you couldn't see that.
57:19He just went,
57:20yeah, same.
57:24You look worried on their behalf.
57:25They've been married 43 years.
57:27Don't panic.
57:27They've tried everything.
57:29What's your relationship with them?
57:31How do you know them?
57:33That's your mum and dad.
57:36That's nice.
57:40Well, I hope the image of your dad
57:41teabagging your mum
57:43hasn't...
57:44I hope...
57:45I, for one...
57:53I don't know about looking your parents
57:54in the eyes again.
57:55I don't think you'll be able to drink tea.
58:01Hi.
58:06Men think about sex every seven seconds,
58:08which I think makes talking to your dad creepy.
58:15People say the book's always better than the film.
58:17Yeah, the book's always better than the film.
58:18I don't agree with that.
58:19I can think of loads of films
58:20that are much better than the book.
58:22Come guzzling sluts.
58:25I must have seen that film a hundred times.
58:27It's much better than the book.
58:29The book's all stuck together
58:29and it smells funny.
58:37Applauding that,
58:37you should be ashamed of yourself.
58:40Size isn't important,
58:41it's what you do with it.
58:41Would you agree with that, ladies?
58:42No!
58:45Having sex with someone at work is all right,
58:47as long as you don't work in a primary school.
58:55I've got a friend who's a part-time teacher.
58:57Well, they're all part-time.
59:00My girlfriend said to me,
59:02during sex,
59:03she said,
59:03did you remember to lock the front door?
59:05I said,
59:06yeah,
59:06there's no way you're going to escape.
59:09Hello,
59:10my name's Jimmy Carr
59:11and I've got a brand new tour
59:12called Laugh's Funny.
59:13Now,
59:14here's the interesting thing.
59:15There's two shows every night.
59:17One at 7,
59:18one at 9.30.
59:20Not to put too fine a point on it,
59:21I had a bit of a run-in
59:22with a tax man.
59:23So it's one for me,
59:24one for them.
59:26Come to the second show,
59:27there'll be more heckling.
59:28Come to the second show up,
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