After i stopped loving them- FULL EP

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00:00:02La troisième mois, ma famille m'a gardé en la psych ward.

00:00:05Electrodes sur mes temples.

00:00:07Resteins cutten à mes wrists.

00:00:09Je me suis rendu compte de combien de chocs le docteur m'a donné.

00:00:12Please, please, non, c'est dur.

00:00:14Je vais bien.

00:00:15Ah, je promets.

00:00:17Stop.

00:00:18Je me suis arrêté, mais le docteur ne m'a pas encore regardé.

00:00:21Le docteur m'a poussé la porte, expressionless.

00:00:23Je me suis regardé à la chaise de chocs.

00:00:26Her famille m'a dit, «up la dose ».

00:00:28Le courant hit.

00:00:30My body arched, then went limp.

00:00:32The last thing I saw was the white fluorescent light

00:00:34and the little red dot on the security camera blinking on and off.

00:00:38The line on the heart monitor went flat.

00:00:40I died.

00:00:41When I opened my eyes, I was standing in an old pawn shop.

00:00:44I looked down at my hands.

00:00:46Translucent.

00:00:47Welcome.

00:00:48A voice.

00:00:49Behind the counter.

00:00:50I looked up.

00:00:51A man, 30 maybe.

00:00:52His eyes were pale gray like glass with no heat in it.

00:00:55The soul shop.

00:00:57The place where you get what you want most.

00:01:00He looked up at me.

00:01:02And what do you want?

00:01:04What do I want?

00:01:06I mumbled and clenched my fists.

00:01:08My nails dug into my palms.

00:01:09But I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

00:01:12I want to live again.

00:01:15He set the cloth down.

00:01:16It won't be cheap.

00:01:18Pulled out a sheet of parchment from beneath the counter.

00:01:20Slid it across to me.

00:01:22To live again.

00:01:23You trade something of equal value.

00:01:25Do you know what's worth the most about you?

00:01:29No.

00:01:30Your ability to love.

00:01:32I froze.

00:01:34He looked at me with those pale gray eyes.

00:01:36Voice slow.

00:01:37You see?

00:01:38People like you are rare.

00:01:40You loved your parents.

00:01:41Loved your brother.

00:01:43Loved your fiance.

00:01:44You even loved the sister who took everything from you.

00:01:47Stepped on.

00:01:47Spit on.

00:01:48And you kept handing them your heart.

00:01:50Over and over.

00:01:52You're mocking me.

00:01:54I'm doing business.

00:01:55He tapped the parchment with one fingertip.

00:01:58Terms.

00:01:58You surrender your ability to love.

00:02:00I give you one more life.

00:02:02Starting the day you turned 12.

00:02:04The day they brought your sister home.

00:02:06Why that day?

00:02:07For the first time, something flickered in his face.

00:02:09Almost interest.

00:02:10Because that's where your story went wrong.

00:02:12I was quiet for a long time.

00:02:15Then I looked up.

00:02:17Deal.

00:02:17I lifted my hand.

00:02:19Pressed it to the parchment.

00:02:20A gold light bloomed where my fingerprint landed.

00:02:22He took the contract back.

00:02:24Gave me the smallest nod.

00:02:25I snapped.

00:02:26May this life find yourself.

00:02:29He snapped his fingers.

00:02:30The world began to fall apart.

00:02:32Shards of light drifted down like snow.

00:02:35White light swallowed everything.

00:02:38Anya, what are you spacing out for?

00:02:40Our new sister's almost here.

00:02:41Let's go down and meet her.

00:02:43Hearing that name again froze me for a second.

00:02:45My eyes snapped open.

00:02:47I hadn't been called Anya in six, seven years.

00:02:49I turned and looked at my twin brother, Cole, next to me.

00:02:53Sure enough, he'd reverted to his 12-year-old self.

00:02:56A half-grown boy in a perfectly tailored suit, eyes bright with anticipation.

00:03:00One of his hands was holding my hand.

00:03:02I looked down at his slim, clean fingers.

00:03:05In my head, I saw the handprint it had left on my face when we were older.

00:03:08I frowned, yanked my arm free.

00:03:11Cole looked at me, confused.

00:03:12Anya, what's wrong?

00:03:14The front door opened.

00:03:15My parents' voices floated up.

00:03:18Cole!

00:03:18Anya, come down!

00:03:20We brought your sister home!

00:03:22Cole's eyes lit up.

00:03:23He dropped me and ran down the stairs alone.

00:03:25I stood at the top and watched the four of them downstairs.

00:03:28One big happy family.

00:03:30I pressed a hand to my chest.

00:03:32Strange.

00:03:34My heart was still beating, calmly.

00:03:36But the knife-edge pain as before, it was totally gone.

00:03:39Cole and I are twins.

00:03:40For the first 12 years of our lives, my parents only had the two of us.

00:03:44Cole was older by two hours.

00:03:46He and our parents spoiled me into a real deal little princess.

00:03:49Someone joked to my father once.

00:03:51With a temper like your daughter's, thank God she's engaged to Felix already,

00:03:55or no one would dare marry her.

00:03:57My father's face went black.

00:03:59My daughter wasn't born to be married off.

00:04:01She can stay home for life.

00:04:03I can afford her.

00:04:05My mother and Cole didn't say a word.

00:04:07They just kept showering me with more nice things.

00:04:09A $3 million bracelet was an ordinary birthday gift back then.

00:04:13But it was also the last birthday gift I would ever get.

00:04:16The year I turned 12, an old friend of my father's died of illness.

00:04:20On his deathbed, he asked my father to take in his only daughter, Olivia.

00:04:24And after her coming, my family's love, trust, attention, all of it drifted away from me a little at a

00:04:29time.

00:04:29But I still treated her like my own sister before my 18th birthday.

00:04:33I loved her until the moment I saw her kissing my fiancé Felix in the garden.

00:04:41I snapped.

00:04:42Why are you doing this to me?

00:04:45Do you even see what you're like right now?

00:04:47You're a lunaturk.

00:04:49Cole's eyes were full of revulsion.

00:04:51My parents said nothing.

00:04:52They watched, like everyone else.

00:04:54The pain in my chest had me shaking head to toe.

00:04:56I went at Olivia with a knife, but Cole kicked me into a thicket of thorns.

00:05:00Every single person there crowded around Olivia, trying to calm her down, begging her not to cry.

00:05:05Nobody cared that what I'd had in my hand was just a plastic knife from the cake.

00:05:09My parents had me committed, said I was mentally ill.

00:05:12Cole's kick did real damage.

00:05:14I was coughing up blood day and night.

00:05:16I begged the doctor over and over to call my parents.

00:05:19Not a single call got answered.

00:05:21Then, after another round of electroshock, I stopped breathing.

00:05:24That was when I saw it.

00:05:26The soul shock.

00:05:27The one in the rumors.

00:05:28I traded everything I had to love with for one more chance.

00:05:31This time, no one gets to hurt me.

00:05:33Aina!

00:05:34Sweetheart, come on!

00:05:35You've been waiting for a little sister, haven't you?

00:05:37My mother holding Olivia's hand, smiling, waving me down.

00:05:40Olivia tipped up her clean little face and called me sister.

00:05:43I didn't react.

00:05:44I turned and walked back into my room.

00:05:47Left the four of them looking at each other in the living room.

00:05:50My father, confused.

00:05:51What's gotten into her now?

00:05:53Who upset her?

00:05:54My mother's voice went thin.

00:05:56Maybe she just needs a minute to get used to having a younger sister.

00:06:00It's fine.

00:06:01I'll go talk to her in a bit.

00:06:02Olivia's voice cracked.

00:06:04Mom, Dad, does my sister not like me?

00:06:08Maybe I should leave.

00:06:11Before my parents could say anything, Cole jumped in.

00:06:14Anya's just a little hot-tentured.

00:06:15Don't be sad.

00:06:16I'll go tell her off in a minute.

00:06:18Cole's so grown up.

00:06:20You take good care of your sister, okay?

00:06:22Their laughter floated up through the floor.

00:06:24I stood up and started going through my things.

00:06:26Too much time had passed.

00:06:28I couldn't remember everything 12-year-old me owned.

00:06:30A closer look.

00:06:31I was almost embarrassingly rich.

00:06:33No wonder Olivia loved taking my things.

00:06:35I scooped the jewelry off the vanity and dumped it into my backpack.

00:06:38I picked up the bracelet and remembered the time she'd smashed it.

00:06:42That was the first time I'd slapped Olivia.

00:06:44She'd hidden behind the door with her eyes red, voice tiny,

00:06:46like I was the one who'd broken her favorite thing.

00:06:49Sister, I'm sorry.

00:06:51I really didn't mean to.

00:06:53I just wanted to look at it.

00:06:55It slipped.

00:06:56Then she'd burst into tears.

00:06:57My parents came running.

00:06:59Cole came running.

00:07:00She had wrapped herself around my mother's leg,

00:07:02sobbing like she was going to pass out.

00:07:04But the moment no one was watching,

00:07:06she looked up at me and smirked.

00:07:07I pointed at her, trying to tell them truth.

00:07:10Anna!

00:07:10How can you be cruel to her?

00:07:12It's just a bracelet.

00:07:13You couldn't have let her have it?

00:07:15Just a bracelet?

00:07:17That bracelet was the gift Cole had bought me

00:07:19with the prize money from his first IT competition,

00:07:21and he'd forgotten.

00:07:24By the time I'd packed up everything,

00:07:26there was a soft knock on my door.

00:07:27My mother, voice soft, almost too patient.

00:07:30Anya?

00:07:31Sweetheart?

00:07:32Come out.

00:07:32Dinner's ready.

00:07:33I didn't answer.

00:07:34I just opened the door

00:07:35and let her walk me down to the dining room.

00:07:38My usual seat had Olivia in it.

00:07:40My father and Cole were both putting food on her plates.

00:07:42I turned to my mother.

00:07:43Should I eat on the floor?

00:07:45Every head snapped up.

00:07:47My mother's grip on my hand tightened.

00:07:50Of course not.

00:07:51My fault.

00:07:51I forgot to have them bring you a chair.

00:07:53Anna, please get Anya a chair.

00:07:55Olivia stood up,

00:07:55her wide, innocent eyes filling instantly.

00:07:58Sister, I'm sorry.

00:07:59I didn't know this was your seat.

00:08:00Here, take it.

00:08:02Cole jumped up and pushed her back into the chair,

00:08:04shooting me a hard look.

00:08:05Anna, it doesn't matter where you sit.

00:08:07Olivia just got here.

00:08:09Don't scare her.

00:08:10My parents said nothing.

00:08:11They were watching me.

00:08:12So this was tacit approval.

00:08:14I took the chair from the housekeeper

00:08:16and dragged it to the far end of the table,

00:08:18away from all of them.

00:08:19Cole's hands stalled midair over Olivia's plate.

00:08:22And he opened his mouth a few times,

00:08:23closed it.

00:08:24We finished dinner in that strange, frozen quiet.

00:08:27As I stood up to head back upstairs,

00:08:29my father called after me.

00:08:30He cleared his throat,

00:08:31tried to smile.

00:08:33Anya,

00:08:34Olivia just lost her parents.

00:08:36We're her family now.

00:08:37We should take care of her.

00:08:38My mother chimed in.

00:08:40Yeah, mom knows.

00:08:41You probably aren't used to having a sister yet.

00:08:44But look at her.

00:08:45She's so sweet.

00:08:47Try to spend time with her.

00:08:48You'll grow close.

00:08:49My voice came out flat.

00:08:51And?

00:08:52My mother froze.

00:08:53Maybe I'd never spoken to her in that tone before.

00:08:56My father took a sip of his coffee and forced a smile.

00:08:59Anya, sweetheart.

00:09:00Olivia just transferred to her new school.

00:09:02She's not doing well.

00:09:03So how about,

00:09:03how about you and Cole both drop back a grade

00:09:06so you can be in the same class as your sister?

00:09:08To sell it, he added quickly.

00:09:10Cole already said yes.

00:09:11We're just waiting on you.

00:09:13I looked at Cole and he was staring at the floor.

00:09:16Couldn't meet my eyes.

00:09:18Here we go.

00:09:19Last time around, it was the same.

00:09:21They made me and Cole,

00:09:22who were already in seventh grade,

00:09:24drop back to sixth with Olivia.

00:09:26A year later,

00:09:27my childhood sweetheart Felix,

00:09:28by then thick as thieves with Olivia,

00:09:30transferred into our class

00:09:31on the excuse that he wanted to look after me.

00:09:33After that,

00:09:34the three of them put on their little theater every day.

00:09:37Made up stories about how I was bullying Olivia,

00:09:39got the whole class to freeze me out.

00:09:41Brilliant.

00:09:42But I wasn't going to play with elementary schoolers this time.

00:09:44Waste of a life.

00:09:46I tilted my head.

00:09:48She needs two servants just to get through school.

00:09:51My father's friend has forked down.

00:09:53Anya,

00:09:54what did you just say?

00:09:55I said,

00:09:56since Cole's already volunteered to be her servant,

00:09:59you don't need to drag me into it.

00:10:00My mother grabbed her arm,

00:10:01eyes wide.

00:10:02Anya,

00:10:03what are you saying?

00:10:04What servant?

00:10:05Your dad just wants you all to spend time together.

00:10:08Get close.

00:10:09I have no obligation to get close to her.

00:10:12Whoever wants to wait on her,

00:10:13can wait on her.

00:10:14I stared at Cole.

00:10:16He'd been frozen like a deer in headlights this whole time.

00:10:19It's settled.

00:10:20The two of you go to elementary school.

00:10:22I'll stay in seventh grade.

00:10:23We leave each other alone.

00:10:25I turned and went upstairs.

00:10:26Left the four of them downstairs,

00:10:28consoling Olivia,

00:10:29who couldn't stop crying.

00:10:30Around nine that night,

00:10:31Cole knocked on my door.

00:10:33Anya,

00:10:33are you asleep?

00:10:35What?

00:10:36Could you open the door?

00:10:38No.

00:10:39The hall went quiet.

00:10:40Just as I thought he'd left,

00:10:41his voice came through again.

00:10:43Anya,

00:10:43you're upset,

00:10:44aren't you?

00:10:45No.

00:10:46You are.

00:10:47Anya,

00:10:47is it because I only paid attention to our new sister today

00:10:50and ignored you?

00:10:51I exhaled.

00:10:52Really?

00:10:52No.

00:10:53Cole,

00:10:53you can get close to whoever you want.

00:10:55I don't care.

00:10:56The hall went quiet again.

00:10:57After a long pause,

00:10:58his voice came back.

00:10:59There was something tired in it.

00:11:00Anya,

00:11:01Olivia,

00:11:01she's really pitiful.

00:11:02She's got such a soft heart,

00:11:04I'm scared she'll get pushed around.

00:11:05Anya,

00:11:06let me stay with her for a year.

00:11:07Once she settles in,

00:11:08I'll transfer back to your school,

00:11:09okay?

00:11:10Right,

00:11:11right,

00:11:11right.

00:11:12The school is funded by your family.

00:11:14You can do whatever you want.

00:11:16Slid my noise-canceling earplugs in,

00:11:18got into bed.

00:11:18The next morning,

00:11:19I walked into the living room

00:11:21with my suitcase and my backpack.

00:11:23Everyone froze.

00:11:26I looked up and saw Felix

00:11:27sitting next to Olivia,

00:11:29my future fiancé,

00:11:30the man who would one day

00:11:31betray me for Olivia.

00:11:32At 12,

00:11:33he was already a head taller than Cole.

00:11:35The moment he saw me,

00:11:36he jumped up,

00:11:36his soft hazel eyes crinkling,

00:11:38voice all bright.

00:11:39Anya,

00:11:40I'm here to walk you to school.

00:11:41I looked down,

00:11:43saw Olivia's hand

00:11:44still wrapped around his arm.

00:11:45You don't need to walk me anywhere.

00:11:47Ever.

00:11:48If you want to walk someone else,

00:11:49go ahead.

00:11:50Why?

00:11:50I gestured at the suitcase behind me.

00:11:52Felix wasn't the only one looking lost.

00:11:54So were my parents.

00:11:55So was Cole.

00:11:56Anna?

00:11:57What's that?

00:11:58Cole's eyes were red-rimmed.

00:11:59clothes

00:12:00and some things I need.

00:12:02And my jewelry.

00:12:03I won't give them up this time.

00:12:04Forgot to mention,

00:12:06starting today,

00:12:07I'm leaving here.

00:12:08What?

00:12:09What?

00:12:10What?

00:12:11All of them at once.

00:12:13My father came over,

00:12:15cold-faced,

00:12:15and crouched down to look at me.

00:12:17Anya,

00:12:17why?

00:12:18Is home not good enough?

00:12:20Where do you even want to go?

00:12:22Boarding school.

00:12:23I set it flat.

00:12:24His hands on my hair

00:12:24was shaking a little,

00:12:25and he glanced back at Olivia,

00:12:26hesitant.

00:12:27Is it because,

00:12:28because of Olivia?

00:12:29Before I could react,

00:12:30Olivia bit her lip

00:12:31and let out a soft,

00:12:32choked sob.

00:12:32What are you saying?

00:12:33Of course not.

00:12:35Anya,

00:12:35you tell us yourself.

00:12:36Why are you boarding at school?

00:12:37It can't be because of your sister.

00:12:39You love her,

00:12:40don't you?

00:12:40Every face in the room was waiting,

00:12:42hopeful.

00:12:42They wanted me to say yes.

00:12:44I love her.

00:12:44I want to board because I'm being a brat,

00:12:46but I make it my job to disappoint people.

00:12:48No,

00:12:49I don't love her.

00:12:50I hate her.

00:12:51And it's not just her.

00:12:52I hate every single one of you.

00:12:54Their faces went bone white.

00:12:55Only Felix didn't really react.

00:12:57He looked like he thought I was throwing a jealous fit.

00:12:58His face was full of patience and rye indulgence.

00:13:01When I dragged my suitcase past him,

00:13:02he even reached out to help me carry it.

00:13:04I dodged.

00:13:04He didn't get angry,

00:13:05just kept trailing me.

00:13:07My parents tried to come after me,

00:13:08but Olivia's sobbing cut them off.

00:13:10Mom,

00:13:12Dad,

00:13:13send me to an orphan.

00:13:15I don't deserve to be here.

00:13:17Of course,

00:13:17more cooing,

00:13:18more comfort.

00:13:19The only odd thing was that Cole,

00:13:20for the first time,

00:13:21didn't say a word.

00:13:22Felix was still on my heels

00:13:23and climbed straight into my car.

00:13:25Get in your own car.

00:13:26No,

00:13:26I'm not going.

00:13:27I'm coming with you.

00:13:28My fingertips twitched.

00:13:30Last life around,

00:13:31the same.

00:13:31When everyone else turned on me,

00:13:32the only one who didn't take Olivia's side

00:13:34was Felix.

00:13:35He'd stand behind me

00:13:36when she set me up.

00:13:37He'd snap back at Cole

00:13:38when Cole yelled at me.

00:13:39When my parents got more and more disappointed in me,

00:13:41he'd hold me and say softly,

00:13:42Anya,

00:13:44don't be scared.

00:13:45You've got me.

00:13:46I'll always just love you.

00:13:48I'd clung to him

00:13:48like a drowning person

00:13:49clings to a piece of wood

00:13:50until our 14th birthday.

00:13:52Olivia collapsed out of nowhere.

00:13:53Felix,

00:13:54faster than anyone,

00:13:55shoved me out of the way

00:13:56and caught her.

00:13:56A fake medium

00:13:57he'd personally brought

00:13:58immediately took the chance

00:13:59and announced my name was bad luck

00:14:00and it was crushing Olivia's fortune.

00:14:02What a flimsy excuse.

00:14:04I still remember the shock

00:14:05and embarrassment

00:14:05on every guest's face that night.

00:14:07Every adult in the room

00:14:08could see it for what it was.

00:14:09A staged public humiliation.

00:14:11But my parents took me

00:14:12to get my name legally changed

00:14:14without a single argument.

00:14:15From that day forward,

00:14:16the name I'd had for 14 years,

00:14:17Anya,

00:14:18became a banned word in our house

00:14:19since they called me Mia.

00:14:20A name picked to protect Olivia.

00:14:22I hated it.

00:14:23I hated it until the day I died.

00:14:26I didn't answer Felix

00:14:27if he'd be transferring

00:14:28to Olivia's class

00:14:29in a few weeks anyway.

00:14:30I took my paperwork

00:14:30and my boarding fee

00:14:31straight to the dorm supervisor.

00:14:33When Felix saw me

00:14:34actually hand the money over,

00:14:35the casual look

00:14:36fell off his face.

00:14:37He finally got it.

00:14:38I wasn't joking around.

00:14:39Anya?

00:14:40Confusion was thick in his eyes.

00:14:42Why do you hate me too?

00:14:43What did I do wrong?

00:14:44His fingers caught at my sleeve carefully

00:14:46and I slapped his hands off hard,

00:14:48disgust all over my face,

00:14:49wiped at my sleeve

00:14:50with a tissue

00:14:50and his voice caught in his throat.

00:14:52Anya.

00:14:52I walked off down the hallway

00:14:53to the head's office.

00:14:55Before first period started,

00:14:56I requested a transfer

00:14:57to a new class.

00:14:58When I came around the corner

00:14:59with an armful of books,

00:15:00I saw Felix again,

00:15:01eyes red.

00:15:03He looked at the books

00:15:04and my arms and his face crumpled.

00:15:06Anya,

00:15:07don't transfer,

00:15:08please.

00:15:09In that exact moment,

00:15:10a basketball came flying

00:15:11out of room 7B

00:15:12and clocked him square in the head.

00:15:14I dodged with the books

00:15:15and slipped into the classroom.

00:15:16Felix went down the hallway,

00:15:18paused a stir.

00:15:18A boy in the classroom

00:15:20was still in his shooting follow-through.

00:15:21His uniform hung loose on him.

00:15:23His mouth was stretched

00:15:24into an exaggerated...

00:15:25Whoa!

00:15:25Sorry,

00:15:26didn't mean to hit anyone.

00:15:27You good, man?

00:15:27I glanced at him,

00:15:29walked past with my books.

00:15:30I might have been imagining it,

00:15:31but his arm went stiff for a second.

00:15:32Then he leaned on a desk

00:15:33with one hand

00:15:34and pointed casually

00:15:35at the seat next to him,

00:15:36voice all swagger.

00:15:37Past that

00:15:38is the trash can.

00:15:40Maybe sit next to me?

00:15:43I looked at him.

00:15:44He looked away fast.

00:15:47The teacher said

00:15:48a new student was coming,

00:15:49told the class principal,

00:15:51me,

00:15:51to look out for her.

00:15:52He rubbed his face,

00:15:53rubbed it so hard

00:15:54his ears went red.

00:15:55Class president

00:15:56of 7B,

00:15:57Jace,

00:15:57the certified troublemaker.

00:15:59The kids around me

00:15:59were either laughing

00:16:00at Felix on the floor

00:16:01or sneaking looks at us.

00:16:02I sighed.

00:16:047B's bad reputation

00:16:05was earned.

00:16:05I pressed my lips together.

00:16:08Thanks.

00:16:09I prefer to sit alone.

00:16:10I put my books down

00:16:11at the desk

00:16:11at the very back

00:16:12against the wall.

00:16:14Jace looked annoyed

00:16:14at himself.

00:16:15His voice got urgent.

00:16:16Hey, you!

00:16:17Don't sit there.

00:16:17Trade with me.

00:16:18I'm taller.

00:16:19I'll block your view

00:16:20of the board.

00:16:20Before I could say no,

00:16:21Felix burst in,

00:16:22face streaked with dust,

00:16:23slammed his hands

00:16:24on my books.

00:16:25Anya,

00:16:26come back with me.

00:16:29Let go.

00:16:31No.

00:16:32Bro,

00:16:33are you done

00:16:34with the drama?

00:16:34Jace looked at him

00:16:35like he was something

00:16:35stuck to his shoe.

00:16:37She wants to be

00:16:37in our class.

00:16:38Who asked you?

00:16:39Someone from the doorway

00:16:40tossed Jace another ball.

00:16:41He balanced it

00:16:42on one finger,

00:16:43spinning,

00:16:43and gave Felix

00:16:44a look that was pure dare.

00:16:45Felix ground his teeth,

00:16:46looked down at me,

00:16:47and I was already

00:16:47organizing my desk.

00:16:48Get out.

00:16:49The bell rang.

00:16:50Felix's hand clenched.

00:16:52Anya.

00:16:53I didn't answer.

00:16:54He gave up,

00:16:55shot Jace a venomous look,

00:16:56walked out,

00:16:57and I exhaled.

00:17:01Thanks.

00:17:02Wait.

00:17:03You talking to me?

00:17:04I nodded.

00:17:05He suddenly stood up

00:17:05straight as a board

00:17:06and chucked the basketball

00:17:07at the trash can behind me.

00:17:08I stared,

00:17:09didn't know what just happened.

00:17:10His face went redder.

00:17:11Reflex.

00:17:12Don't,

00:17:12don't mention it.

00:17:13I caught myself smiling.

00:17:14He went even stiffer.

00:17:17Jace ended up trading seats

00:17:18with me anyway.

00:17:19I told him over and over.

00:17:20It was winter.

00:17:21The trash got emptied off in.

00:17:22There was no smell.

00:17:23But he was firm.

00:17:24He moved me up to the front.

00:17:25You're obviously a neat freak

00:17:26and a good student.

00:17:28No way I'm letting you

00:17:29sit back there.

00:17:30Like he decided to be

00:17:31the world's most committed

00:17:32class president.

00:17:33He handled every detail

00:17:34of my class transfer.

00:17:35So when the teacher

00:17:35pulled us aside

00:17:36and asked if I could

00:17:37help bring his grades up,

00:17:38I hesitated,

00:17:39then nodded.

00:17:39School life was dry

00:17:40but full.

00:17:41To stay away from home,

00:17:42I signed up for every

00:17:43tutoring program

00:17:44I could find on weekends.

00:17:45Summer and winter breaks,

00:17:46I packed myself off

00:17:47to camps abroad.

00:17:48School work aside,

00:17:49I was starting to look outward.

00:17:50See the world.

00:17:51At first my parents

00:17:52came to school every few days.

00:17:53Then since I always

00:17:54looked at them blankly,

00:17:55they stopped coming.

00:17:56Every so often

00:17:56there was a phone call.

00:17:57They'd sigh into the phone.

00:18:00Anya, we just want you girls

00:18:02to get along.

00:18:03Olivia really misses you.

00:18:05You're not coming home

00:18:06this weekend?

00:18:07No.

00:18:07I didn't say much.

00:18:09Conversations got awkward fat.

00:18:10I'd just hang up.

00:18:10They said I'm weird

00:18:11and unlikable now.

00:18:12They were right.

00:18:13I didn't have the ability

00:18:14to be adorable

00:18:15but my brother Cole

00:18:16came every day.

00:18:17Without fail,

00:18:18he carried meals from home,

00:18:19running between the elementary school

00:18:20and the middle school.

00:18:21Sometimes Olivia trailed

00:18:22after him out of breath.

00:18:23She looked at me

00:18:24like I was the villain.

00:18:25Sister,

00:18:26our brother is killing himself

00:18:27doing this.

00:18:28Just be nice

00:18:29and come to our class.

00:18:30I took the meal box

00:18:31from Cole

00:18:31and sat down to eat.

00:18:32Olivia bit her lip,

00:18:33eyes wet,

00:18:34looked at Cole.

00:18:35He wiped sweat off his forehead

00:18:36and gave her a generous

00:18:37big brother smile.

00:18:38It's nothing.

00:18:39Anya,

00:18:39the school food's terrible.

00:18:41I'll bring you home

00:18:42cooking every day.

00:18:42I ignored him.

00:18:43He didn't get angry.

00:18:44When I finished eating,

00:18:45he'd take the empty container

00:18:46and run back to elementary school.

00:18:48Felix came less and less.

00:18:49He stopped pushing me

00:18:50to engage with him.

00:18:51He just spent every break

00:18:52standing by the window

00:18:53glancing over at me

00:18:54like he wasn't.

00:18:54I pretended I couldn't see.

00:18:57The days went by

00:18:58the day before

00:18:59my 14th birthday.

00:19:00My parents showed up

00:19:01at the school

00:19:01and usually Cole

00:19:02was with them.

00:19:03When they saw me,

00:19:04both of them did

00:19:05a little double take.

00:19:06My mother's hands shook a bit

00:19:07as she grabbed my arm.

00:19:08You've gotten taller again.

00:19:10Sweetheart,

00:19:10it's been so long

00:19:11since you came home.

00:19:12Her eyes went pink

00:19:13and set off my father's too.

00:19:15There was a catch

00:19:15in his voice.

00:19:17Yeah, Anya,

00:19:18your birthday is tomorrow.

00:19:19We've got everything set up.

00:19:20Come home, okay?

00:19:21Like he was scared,

00:19:22I'd refuse.

00:19:23Cole added quickly,

00:19:23You can invite your friends.

00:19:25Classmates,

00:19:26you didn't come home last year.

00:19:27We waited up the whole night.

00:19:29Right.

00:19:30On my birthday last year,

00:19:31Jace had found out somehow.

00:19:32He dragged the whole

00:19:33goofy crew from class

00:19:34and announced

00:19:35we were going horseback riding.

00:19:37Anya,

00:19:38can you like

00:19:38open up a little?

00:19:40I looked at him,

00:19:41lost.

00:19:42He pulled at the corners

00:19:43of his own mouth

00:19:43with two fingers.

00:19:44It's your birthday.

00:19:46Quit being all uptight.

00:19:47Smile.

00:19:48He was sitting up

00:19:48on a tall chestnut horse.

00:19:50Happy birthday.

00:19:51The sun behind him,

00:19:52head tilted to look at me.

00:19:53Thanks.

00:19:56I sat up on the horse,

00:19:58wind in my ears,

00:19:59felt something inside me

00:20:00that had been locked tight.

00:20:01Easy.

00:20:02It wasn't until the next day

00:20:03that I saw all the missed calls

00:20:04from my family

00:20:05and the pile of birthday gifts

00:20:09Cole had brought

00:20:10to the front of my classroom.

00:20:11I was surprised.

00:20:12Last time,

00:20:13my 12th birthday

00:20:13was the last time

00:20:14I got a gift.

00:20:16Anya,

00:20:17come home tomorrow.

00:20:18Cole kept going,

00:20:18but when I turned,

00:20:19I saw Olivia holding

00:20:20onto Felix's arm.

00:20:21That memorable

00:20:22naming ceremony night,

00:20:23the nausea was still in me.

00:20:25I frowned without meaning to.

00:20:26Felix yanked his arm

00:20:28out of her hand fast.

00:20:29I've been looking for you.

00:20:30Olivia said you were here.

00:20:32She brought me.

00:20:33I just-

00:20:33You don't have to explain.

00:20:34I cut him off.

00:20:35I'm busy tomorrow.

00:20:37I'm not coming home.

00:20:38Anya.

00:20:39I turned and went back

00:20:41into the classroom.

00:20:42Behind me,

00:20:43my mother had started crying.

00:20:44As I turned the corner,

00:20:45I heard a heavy sigh.

00:20:47Honey,

00:20:48did we-

00:20:49we do this wrong?

00:20:53But I don't care

00:20:53about them anymore.

00:20:54Right now,

00:20:55I had a butter knife

00:20:55in my hand

00:20:56and I was carefully

00:20:57cutting into a cake

00:20:57that said,

00:20:58Happy Birthday, Anya.

00:20:59The class turned off

00:21:00the lights

00:21:00and the warm wash

00:21:01of candlelight

00:21:02everyone sang.

00:21:03Anya,

00:21:04make a wish.

00:21:05I closed my eyes

00:21:06for a second,

00:21:07wished,

00:21:08with my whole soul.

00:21:09Please,

00:21:09whoever's listening.

00:21:10Keep me far away

00:21:11from those people

00:21:11this lifetime.

00:21:12When I opened my eyes,

00:21:13Jace was standing

00:21:14in front of me

00:21:14with a small wrapped box.

00:21:16Anya,

00:21:16happy birthday.

00:21:17Open it.

00:21:17I smiled and opened it.

00:21:20Froze.

00:21:20A hair clip

00:21:21studded with crystals.

00:21:22What?

00:21:22You don't like it?

00:21:23Should have asked you first.

00:21:24He scratched at his head,

00:21:25frustrated.

00:21:25The other day,

00:21:25I saw you staring

00:21:26at a hair clip

00:21:27on the sidewalk.

00:21:27That one was cheap,

00:21:28so I found a better one.

00:21:30I love it.

00:21:30Thank you.

00:21:32He froze.

00:21:33I picked up the clip

00:21:34and put it in my hair.

00:21:36Thank you.

00:21:37His eyes had that

00:21:38soft littering thing

00:21:39happening.

00:21:39No problem.

00:21:40As long as you like it.

00:21:41It's really pretty.

00:21:42It was.

00:21:43Very pretty.

00:21:44A piece by the

00:21:44international designer,

00:21:45Victor,

00:21:46from his Starlight Collection.

00:21:47When I was 17,

00:21:48I'd seen it at an auction

00:21:49and fallen in love with it.

00:21:51I thought my mother

00:21:51would love it too.

00:21:52I'd brought five years

00:21:53of saved up money.

00:21:55Started bidding.

00:21:55But that day,

00:21:56no matter what I bid,

00:21:57Olivia bid a dollar higher.

00:21:59In the end,

00:22:00my mother stepped in

00:22:01and bought the piece

00:22:02for $30 million and one dollars.

00:22:04Absurd price.

00:22:05And she put it in

00:22:06Olivia's hair.

00:22:07They said,

00:22:07You have everything.

00:22:08Why fight a little girl

00:22:10over this?

00:22:10Olivia wore it in front of me

00:22:12every single day,

00:22:12showing off.

00:22:13Mia,

00:22:13it's the gift from mom,

00:22:15but I can give it to you

00:22:16if you beg me.

00:22:17That hair clip

00:22:18became one of my obsessions.

00:22:19And here it was

00:22:20in my palm,

00:22:21three years earlier

00:22:22than it should have been.

00:22:23My eyes filled

00:22:24before I knew it.

00:22:25Thank you.

00:22:26All of you.

00:22:27Really.

00:22:27It was strange.

00:22:29The heart I'd thought was dead

00:22:30started slowly to beat again.

00:22:34After that day,

00:22:35my family started bothering me less.

00:22:38Even Cole and Felix,

00:22:39the daily fixtures,

00:22:40disappeared for a long stretch.

00:22:41It took the class gossip queen

00:22:43to fill me in.

00:22:45Olivia got crazy.

00:22:46She couldn't bear my parents

00:22:47or Cole,

00:22:48leaving her side for a second.

00:22:50I heard your mom mention

00:22:51sending her to a school abroad

00:22:52and she snapped.

00:22:53Like, totally.

00:22:54Word is,

00:22:55she's even tried to hurt herself.

00:22:56She wanted to recover at home,

00:22:57but she won't let Cole

00:22:58come to school either.

00:22:59Whole family has to camp

00:23:00at home with her.

00:23:00Felix, too.

00:23:01She won't let go of him.

00:23:02His family's having a huge fight

00:23:03with yours about it.

00:23:04I gripped my pen tighter.

00:23:05This was exactly what I'd done

00:23:06in my last life.

00:23:07The more they ignored you,

00:23:08the harder you reached for attention.

00:23:10Tantrums,

00:23:11screaming,

00:23:11all of it.

00:23:12Like a lunatic,

00:23:12except she was luckier

00:23:14than I'd been.

00:23:15Her family was patient with her

00:23:16and I was relieved.

00:23:17Not that any of it

00:23:18was my problem.

00:23:19With no one bothering me,

00:23:20I dragged the whole class

00:23:21into intense study mode.

00:23:22If someone slacked,

00:23:23Jace intimidated them.

00:23:25Six months later,

00:23:26we all got into the best high school

00:23:27in the city.

00:23:28I didn't go home once

00:23:29that summer.

00:23:30I went up Mount Kazbek

00:23:31with Jace's family.

00:23:32Turns out his parents

00:23:32were professional climbers.

00:23:34They'd originally planned

00:23:35to summit Mont Blanc,

00:23:36but you had to be 16

00:23:37to climb Mont Blanc.

00:23:38Jace and I were both too young.

00:23:40Anya, hot tea.

00:23:42Jace's mother had a soft spot

00:23:43for me from day one.

00:23:44The gorgeous woman

00:23:45with sharp eyes

00:23:46would pull me into a hug

00:23:47and refuse to let go.

00:23:48Anya, you're so cute,

00:23:49so pretty.

00:23:51I'm in love.

00:23:51Be my daughter.

00:23:52Did it finally.

00:23:53Honestly, why is my kid a son?

00:23:54Doesn't make sense.

00:23:55Mom, please, be reasonable.

00:23:56Why is your kid a son?

00:23:57Because you don't have a daughter.

00:23:59His father's laugh thundered.

00:24:00The whole summit echoed with it.

00:24:02I caught my breath

00:24:03and looked out

00:24:03at the white world below.

00:24:05Jace shook out a blanket

00:24:06and wrapped it around my shoulders.

00:24:08I turned and saw his parents

00:24:09huddled together,

00:24:10grinning at us like idiots.

00:24:11But the moment we looked back,

00:24:13they snapped their heads away.

00:24:14Beautiful mountain.

00:24:16Beautiful snow.

00:24:18Beautiful young time.

00:24:20Jace's face was red,

00:24:21and I couldn't help it.

00:24:22the corner of my mouth turned up.

00:24:27I didn't enroll in the private high school

00:24:28my family owned shares in.

00:24:30Cole lost it,

00:24:31and he left Olivia,

00:24:31who was getting sicker by the day,

00:24:33and skipped a grade

00:24:34so he could be a high school freshman with me.

00:24:37Felix fought his own family.

00:24:39His mother locked him in his room,

00:24:40and that ridiculous engagement

00:24:41I'd already brushed off as a joke

00:24:43before summer break.

00:24:45Mrs. Adler, please,

00:24:46keep an eye on your son.

00:24:48Don't let him keep chasing me.

00:24:49I told his mother without mercy.

00:24:50I told the school in advance

00:24:52to turn away outside visitors.

00:24:53So in three years,

00:24:55I saw them maybe four or five times total.

00:24:57The day after the SAT,

00:24:59my parents,

00:25:00who I hadn't seen in forever,

00:25:01ambushed me at the school gate.

00:25:03I didn't get out fast enough.

00:25:04I don't know how,

00:25:05but the two of them

00:25:05looked like they'd aged ten years.

00:25:08My mother walked toward me

00:25:09with this pleading smile.

00:25:10I stepped back without thinking.

00:25:12She froze,

00:25:13then covered her mouth

00:25:14and crumpled into my father's chest,

00:25:15sobbing.

00:25:16He started crying too.

00:25:18Anya,

00:25:20mom missed you so much.

00:25:21Let me hug you, please.

00:25:23I frowned without meaning to.

00:25:25Who do you miss?

00:25:26Who do you want to hug?

00:25:27Me?

00:25:27You already have a son and a daughter.

00:25:29Smart son who adores his sister.

00:25:31Sweet, well-behaved daughter

00:25:32who respects her parents.

00:25:34Why would you miss me?

00:25:35My mother's sobs stopped cold.

00:25:37She looked up at me,

00:25:38panic on her face.

00:25:39She started shaking.

00:25:43No, that's not,

00:25:44that's not real.

00:25:45That was a dream.

00:25:45That wasn't real.

00:25:46She kept shaking her head,

00:25:47mumbling to herself.

00:25:48My father grabbed her,

00:25:49alarmed.

00:25:52Anya,

00:25:53what did you do to your mother?

00:25:55I'm a full meter away from her.

00:25:56I haven't laid a finger on her,

00:25:57Mr. Linster.

00:25:58What did you just call me?

00:25:59Mr. Linster?

00:26:01Anya,

00:26:01are you losing your mind?

00:26:02Your mother and I

00:26:03came all the way here for you

00:26:04and this is how you-

00:26:05I thought my attitude was fine,

00:26:06way better than how they'd treated me

00:26:08in my last life.

00:26:09I shrugged,

00:26:10stepped back.

00:26:10See you.

00:26:12Stop right there!

00:26:13He reached for my arm.

00:26:15I dodged.

00:26:17What,

00:26:18you want to hit me,

00:26:18Mr. Linchweski?

00:26:19I think we've spoiled you rotten.

00:26:21You need a lesson.

00:26:23His hand came up.

00:26:24My mother let out a scream

00:26:26that tore out of her chest.

00:26:27No!

00:26:28Don't hit her!

00:26:29She grabbed his arm,

00:26:31sobbing so hard her legs gave out

00:26:32and ended up on the ground.

00:26:34That's why she hates me so much.

00:26:36She covered her face with her hands

00:26:38and laughed and cried into the pavement.

00:26:39I turned to leave

00:26:40and behind me,

00:26:41Jace's mother yelled joyfully,

00:26:42Sweetheart,

00:26:43over here!

00:26:44She and Jace's father

00:26:45were each holding a bouquet,

00:26:47waving at me hard.

00:26:48Jace also stood beside them.

00:26:50I went up on my toes

00:26:51and yelled back,

00:26:52Auntie!

00:26:53I ran to her.

00:26:54She tossed her flowers at Jace

00:26:56and grabbed me

00:26:56and spun me in a full circle.

00:26:58Feels better now that it's over, right?

00:27:00Take a few days.

00:27:01Then we mont blanc.

00:27:02Here we come.

00:27:02Um, yes.

00:27:03Jace took my bag.

00:27:04His dad pressed an ice cream into my hand.

00:27:06The four of us walked off together laughing

00:27:08and behind us,

00:27:09two figures stood frozen,

00:27:10getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

00:27:14The day we flew to France,

00:27:15Jace's dad was driving,

00:27:17his mom was in the passenger seat humming

00:27:18and both of them lit up.

00:27:20Jace and I, on the other hand,

00:27:22hit the back seats

00:27:23and were out cold.

00:27:25I figured we'd sleep all the way to the airport

00:27:27and then his dad slammed on the brakes

00:27:28and our heads cracked into the seat back.

00:27:30When I opened my eyes,

00:27:32a dark figure had launched in front of the car.

00:27:34If his dad's brakes hadn't been fast,

00:27:36the guy would have gone flying.

00:27:39Insurance scam?

00:27:40We piled out,

00:27:41but the man on his knees in front of the car was Cole.

00:27:44I hadn't seen him in a year.

00:27:45The sight of him was a shock.

00:27:46He was so thin, painfully thin.

00:27:49Middle of summer

00:27:50and he was bundled head to toe in heavy clothing

00:27:52and his exposed face was covered in marks.

00:27:54Like claw marks, fingernails,

00:27:56old ones layered with new.

00:27:58A handsome face, basically ruined.

00:28:01I jumped.

00:28:02Jace and his dad immediately stepped in front of me and his mom.

00:28:04You sick, man!

00:28:05You want to play in traffic?

00:28:07Jace went full volume.

00:28:08I gave him a quiet thumbs up.

00:28:09He winked.

00:28:10Cole snapped like a stray dog gone feral.

00:28:13He slammed past Jace and threw himself at me.

00:28:15His whole body was shaking,

00:28:16his red raw eyes pouring tears.

00:28:18Please forgive us.

00:28:18Come home and see mom.

00:28:20She's dying.

00:28:20I'm begging you.

00:28:21He was strong out of his mind.

00:28:23Both Jace's parents together couldn't pull him off me.

00:28:26Jace lost it.

00:28:27He grabbed a tire iron out of the trunk

00:28:29and went to swing it at Cole's head.

00:28:30Jake, don't!

00:28:32I yanked Cole down with me toward the curb.

00:28:35Jace, drop it.

00:28:36Honey.

00:28:36His mother and I shouted at the same time

00:28:38and it finally pulled him back.

00:28:40The tire iron fell, cracked the pavement.

00:28:43Was he insane?

00:28:44You go to prison for killing someone?

00:28:46I looked at Jace, heart still hammering.

00:28:48He was more shaken than I was,

00:28:50jaw locked, veins standing out in his neck.

00:28:53Something flickered.

00:28:54I felt like I'd seen this exact moment before

00:28:56and I shook my head.

00:28:57Sweat ran down off my hairline

00:28:59and I gave in, looked at Cole.

00:29:03I'll go with you.

00:29:04Let go.

00:29:05You're hurting me.

00:29:06Jace and his parents worried about me

00:29:07so they drove me and Cole home.

00:29:09Cole was not okay.

00:29:11He huddled against the car window,

00:29:12shaking, mumbling garbled stuff.

00:29:14He turned to Jace.

00:29:17I've seen you before.

00:29:19It was you.

00:29:20It was you.

00:29:21I looked at Jace.

00:29:22His face was cold, blank.

00:29:24He also didn't look like himself.

00:29:26My heart skipped.

00:29:27I grabbed his arm.

00:29:28Jace?

00:29:29A grin appeared on his mouth.

00:29:30Your humble servant,

00:29:31at your command, my lady.

00:29:33Okay.

00:29:34Not body snatched.

00:29:35That weird.

00:29:36Definitely him.

00:29:37But Cole was looking at us

00:29:38with more horror now.

00:29:39He shrank further into the window.

00:29:41Already thin next to Jace's broader build,

00:29:43he looked like a ghost.

00:29:44I felt uneasy.

00:29:45So I took Jace's hand,

00:29:46and before I could say anything,

00:29:48his face flushed all the way to his ears.

00:29:50Idiot.

00:29:52Back at the Lindquist house,

00:29:53I didn't know where to look first.

00:29:55The front door,

00:29:56painted over with vicious letters in red,

00:29:58die slow.

00:29:59Whole family burn.

00:30:00Hypocrites.

00:30:01Jace stepped around the paint,

00:30:02pushed the half-open door.

00:30:03The living room came into view.

00:30:05Tables smashed.

00:30:06Chairs broken.

00:30:07Couch.

00:30:08Scorched.

00:30:08The spiral staircase had bloody clothes

00:30:10scattered all the way up.

00:30:11I covered my mouth,

00:30:12came close to throwing up.

00:30:13Jace's mom was furious and scared at the same time.

00:30:16She wanted to take me right back out,

00:30:17but Jace, for once, stopped her.

00:30:19Mom.

00:30:21This needs an ending.

00:30:23This is Anya's call.

00:30:25Let her decide.

00:30:26I made a fist,

00:30:26looked at Cole,

00:30:27who'd been silent since we walked in.

00:30:29You dragged me here,

00:30:30and now you've gone mute?

00:30:30Where are your parents?

00:30:32Where's your sister?

00:30:33His body swayed.

00:30:34His chapped lips trembled.

00:30:36Dad's in the ER.

00:30:37Mom's in her room.

00:30:39Olivia's is in a psych ward.

00:30:40My chest tightened.

00:30:41You lied to me.

00:30:42You said everyone was home.

00:30:44You said mom was just sick.

00:30:45It's not just my mom.

00:30:46She's our mom, Anya.

00:30:48She's not.

00:30:48I was breathing wrong.

00:30:49You brought me here for what?

00:30:51I tensed,

00:30:51shifted my weight,

00:30:52blocked Auntie behind me.

00:30:54No, no.

00:30:54I'm not here to hurt you.

00:30:56I swear.

00:30:57Mom is really dying.

00:30:59She...

00:30:59He didn't finish

00:31:00before my mother came stumbling

00:31:02out of her bedroom

00:31:03in a giant nightgown,

00:31:04hair everywhere,

00:31:05face hollowed out.

00:31:06The second she saw me,

00:31:07she nearly tumbled down the stairs.

00:31:09Anya.

00:31:10My Anya.

00:31:11Sweetheart.

00:31:12Are you hurt?

00:31:13Are you hurt?

00:31:14Anya.

00:31:15My baby girl.

00:31:17I'm so sorry.

00:31:18It's all my fault,

00:31:20my sweet girl.

00:31:21I shouldn't have let those people

00:31:23take you away.

00:31:24Were you scared?

00:31:26My Anya?

00:31:27Two tears fell from her eyes

00:31:28onto the back of her hand,

00:31:30both of us froze.

00:31:31She knew she had the memory

00:31:32of last life.

00:31:33She was crying for the version

00:31:34of herself who watched her daughter

00:31:35get dragged into a psych ward

00:31:37sobbing until she vomited blood.

00:31:38Crying for the version of herself

00:31:39who let her daughter

00:31:40cling to a car door,

00:31:42begging to be hugged

00:31:43one more time

00:31:43and turned away.

00:31:45Mia, stop with this insanity.

00:31:46Without you,

00:31:47I still have my son and daughter.

00:31:48My son is sweet and smart

00:31:50and adores his sister.

00:31:51My daughter is gentle

00:31:52and respectful.

00:31:53I can't imagine how I ended up

00:31:54with a neurotic mess like you.

00:31:56You're an embarrassment

00:31:57to this family.

00:31:58An embarrassment

00:31:58to this family.

00:31:59That was the last thing

00:32:00my mother had said to me

00:32:01in my last life.

00:32:02I'd realized a while back

00:32:02she was starting to get

00:32:03her memories back too.

00:32:04The headmaster had asked me once,

00:32:06confused,

00:32:06if I had a nickname,

00:32:08Mia.

00:32:08Um,

00:32:09your mom texts me a lot,

00:32:10asked me to look after you.

00:32:11It was always normal.

00:32:12But the past two weeks,

00:32:13she keeps getting your name wrong.

00:32:15She'd thought it was a dream

00:32:16or she'd lied to herself

00:32:17that it was a dream.

00:32:18But then she heard me.

00:32:19She realized it had all really happened

00:32:21and she broke.

00:32:22Cole,

00:32:23send your mother to a psych ward.

00:32:25She's a better fit

00:32:25for the place

00:32:26than Olivia ever was.

00:32:27Cole,

00:32:27who had only been weeping,

00:32:28raised his head,

00:32:29looked at our increasingly unhinged mother

00:32:31and dropped to his knees.

00:32:33While we waited for the doctor,

00:32:35I finally pieced together

00:32:36from Cole's broken account

00:32:37what had happened.

00:32:38Three years ago,

00:32:38Olivia had overheard our mother

00:32:39say she regretted adopting her.

00:32:41That broke something in her.

00:32:42The soft sweetness vanished.

00:32:44She turned obsessive,

00:32:45vicious,

00:32:45vicious to everyone,

00:32:46worse to herself.

00:32:47She started cutting herself.

00:32:49Middle of the night,

00:32:49she'd take a knife

00:32:50into our parents' bedroom,

00:32:51slice open her arm,

00:32:52bleed.

00:32:53Cutting and crying,

00:32:54telling them how her father

00:32:55had begged ours to take her in,

00:32:56saying she loved them,

00:32:57saying she couldn't be abandoned.

00:32:58The whole family was terrified.

00:33:00No one dared say the words,

00:33:01send her away again.

00:33:02They watched her even more carefully,

00:33:04used to be out of love.

00:33:05Now it was fear,

00:33:06but she still felt unsafe.

00:33:08She started demanding

00:33:09everyone be with her,

00:33:10day and night.

00:33:11If anyone left,

00:33:11she screamed and clawed

00:33:13at whatever was in reach.

00:33:14Cole and Felix dropped out of school

00:33:15because she'd clawed up their faces.

00:33:17And that's why Felix's family

00:33:18had gone to war with mine

00:33:19a month before.

00:33:20My mother was already

00:33:21not right in the head.

00:33:22She would sit alone in a room

00:33:23and call out softly,

00:33:24My girl, my girl.

00:33:25Olivia, thinking her adoptive mother

00:33:27had finally come around,

00:33:28ran in to throw her arms around her.

00:33:30My mother shoved her heart

00:33:31onto the floor.

00:33:32The softness was gone.

00:33:33The way she looked at Olivia

00:33:34was pure revulsion.

00:33:35Olivia finally understood.

00:33:36She wasn't the girl being called.

00:33:38Her adoptive mother

00:33:38was calling someone else.

00:33:40Someone invisible.

00:33:41Her real daughter.

00:33:41Olivia couldn't take the humiliation.

00:33:43She started torturing

00:33:44all of them harder.

00:33:45When she overheard my parents

00:33:46talking about cutting her loose

00:33:47the day she turned 18,

00:33:48she got out the paint

00:33:49and ruined the whole front

00:33:50of the house.

00:33:51I'll expose you.

00:33:52You abused a dead man's daughter.

00:33:54May you all rot.

00:33:55The night before college

00:33:56application deadlines,

00:33:57she demanded that Cole

00:33:58stay up and take her to a bar.

00:33:59When Cole flatly said

00:34:00he didn't want to,

00:34:01she sliced her wrist.

00:34:02Cole panicked,

00:34:03bandaged her,

00:34:04and went.

00:34:04She drugged his drink.

00:34:05By the time Cole came to,

00:34:07it was late the next afternoon.

00:34:08Cole,

00:34:09I matter more than the college,

00:34:11right?

00:34:12I'm the most important,

00:34:13right?

00:34:13Cole shut himself in his room

00:34:15and refused to come out.

00:34:16What was harder to believe

00:34:17was that she'd used my name

00:34:18to lure Felix out too.

00:34:20Cole said Felix's drink

00:34:21wasn't drugged.

00:34:22At least,

00:34:22before he passed out,

00:34:23Felix had been completely alert.

00:34:25Somehow,

00:34:25Felix didn't make it

00:34:26to the application either.

00:34:27Felix's father showed up

00:34:28at our house with men.

00:34:29The men he brought

00:34:30stabbed my father

00:34:31and dragged Olivia to a psych ward.

00:34:34My mother was still wildly unstable,

00:34:36especially after the doctors arrived.

00:34:37She wrapped both arms around me

00:34:39and wouldn't let go,

00:34:39screaming,

00:34:40Don't take my daughter!

00:34:41Don't take me away!

00:34:43I pried her hands off me.

00:34:44First,

00:34:45I'm not your daughter.

00:34:46Second,

00:34:46my name isn't Mia.

00:34:47And I hate that name

00:34:48about as much as I hate you.

00:34:50You and your husband

00:34:50weren't raising kids.

00:34:51You were running a fight ring.

00:34:53Last one alive

00:34:53gets to call you mom?

00:34:54And honestly,

00:34:55I'm baffled.

00:34:56Every kid you adopt,

00:34:57every kid you raise

00:34:58ends up a wreck.

00:34:58If you can't love your kids equally,

00:35:00why have them at all?

00:35:01She finally went silent,

00:35:02eyes huge,

00:35:03tears non-stop.

00:35:04In the end,

00:35:04like the last bit of air

00:35:05had been pushed out of her,

00:35:06she collapsed to her knees

00:35:07and let the doctors and nurses

00:35:08load her into the car.

00:35:10Past the bushes by the door,

00:35:11I could feel something

00:35:12burning into me.

00:35:13A stare.

00:35:13I turned,

00:35:14just caught a limping figure

00:35:15walking away.

00:35:16The second I recognized that walk,

00:35:18Anya?

00:35:18Jace was calling me.

00:35:19I turned back.

00:35:20He was tilting or doubling.

00:35:21His outline split into two,

00:35:23three,

00:35:23no,

00:35:24not him,

00:35:24and it was me.

00:35:25Anya.

00:35:26My head was so heavy

00:35:27and I'd walked into fog

00:35:28like a stray ghost

00:35:29drifting,

00:35:30searching with nowhere to go.

00:35:31Anna.

00:35:32Anna.

00:35:33Anna.

00:35:34Someone calling me?

00:35:35But my name was Mia now.

00:35:37I'd had it changed.

00:35:38Anya.

00:35:39Don't scare me.

00:35:40Anya.

00:35:40Who was calling?

00:35:41Sounded like a boy.

00:35:42Voice cracked with panic.

00:35:43Made me want to cry.

00:35:44I wanted to tell him.

00:35:45Don't cry.

00:35:46I'm not worth it.

00:35:47You are.

00:35:48You deserve to be loved.

00:35:49Anya.

00:35:50Is your real name Anya?

00:35:52It's beautiful.

00:35:54So much better than Mia.

00:35:55Anya.

00:35:56From now on,

00:35:57I'll only call you Anya.

00:35:58Don't be scared.

00:35:58If that psycho comes back,

00:36:00I'll throw him out.

00:36:00He tries to choke you again,

00:36:02touch you.

00:36:02I'll kill him myself.

00:36:03Hey, Anya.

00:36:04Don't cry.

00:36:05They just shocked me a couple times.

00:36:06I'm tough.

00:36:06I can take it.

00:36:07Doesn't hurt.

00:36:07Anya.

00:36:08What's wrong?

00:36:09Why are you coughing blood?

00:36:10You're scaring me.

00:36:11What?

00:36:11Where did these bruises come from?

00:36:13Your brother.

00:36:14Your brother kicked you.

00:36:15Is he even human?

00:36:17Anna.

00:36:18No.

00:36:19Don't close your eyes, please.

00:36:21The blurry voices in the fog

00:36:22and one clear sobbing voice overlapped.

00:36:24Oh, I know now.

00:36:26I see you.

00:36:28My chase.

00:36:29The boy who'd shared that psych ward with me once

00:36:32and last night.

00:36:33The boy who at 18 watched both his parents die

00:36:35saving someone.

00:36:36The boy whose mind broke.

00:36:38The boy who,

00:36:39when Felix had a hand around my throat

00:36:41and his mouth on mine,

00:36:42broke out of his restraints

00:36:43and put a fist through Felix's temple.

00:36:45The boy who, again and again,

00:36:47sat through electroshock for me

00:36:49after I stopped breathing.

00:36:50He broke out of that godforsaken psych ward,

00:36:52set the Lindquist house on fire,

00:36:54watched them scream and run

00:36:55and shove each other in the flames

00:36:57all one by one,

00:36:58then took a piece of broken glass

00:36:59and dragged it across his own throat.

00:37:01We met again in the fog.

00:37:02He took my hand

00:37:03and led me forward step by step.

00:37:04Anya.

00:37:06Why didn't I find you sooner?

00:37:07I love you.

00:37:08I love you.

00:37:09I love you so much.

00:37:10You deserve everything.

00:37:12Anya.

00:37:13If we get to do it over,

00:37:14stay far from what hurts you.

00:37:16Love yourself

00:37:17more than anyone.

00:37:18Promise me.

00:37:19Yes.

00:37:19I want to make the trade.

00:37:21Trade my whole soul

00:37:23for the love and feeling

00:37:24that girl pawned to you.

00:37:25She doesn't get to lose

00:37:26her ability to love.

00:37:27She has to love herself.

00:37:29She has to grow a heart

00:37:30that loves herself.

00:37:31Please,

00:37:32give it back.

00:37:33The sweet man looked up

00:37:34at the stubborn boy

00:37:35in front of him.

00:37:36His eyes held something

00:37:37almost like pity.

00:37:39All right.

00:37:40In fact,

00:37:42I'll make you a wager.

00:37:45How about it?

00:37:46I bet.

00:37:46This girl,

00:37:47even this lifetime,

00:37:48doesn't learn to love herself.

00:37:50I'll take every memory

00:37:51of you out of her.

00:37:52And you,

00:37:53I'll send back

00:37:54with these memories.

00:37:55You'll watch her,

00:37:56day after day,

00:37:56walk the same path,

00:37:58unable to speak,

00:37:59unable to change anything.

00:38:00He held out a hand,

00:38:01a contract.

00:38:02You're wrong.

00:38:04She will learn

00:38:05to love herself.

00:38:06I'm sure of it.

00:38:07The boy didn't hesitate,

00:38:08gave him his heart.

00:38:09A flash of white light.

00:38:12I opened my eyes.

00:38:13A hospital ceiling

00:38:14and by the bed,

00:38:15Jace slumped forward,

00:38:17gripping my hand

00:38:17like I might disappear.

00:38:19You're awake.

00:38:20My movement had woken him

00:38:21and I looked at him

00:38:22at the dark circles

00:38:23under his eyes,

00:38:24at the worry

00:38:24he was trying to hide.

00:38:26The tears came

00:38:26before I could stop them.

00:38:27I know.

00:38:29I know it was you.

00:38:30Before he could react,

00:38:31I threw myself

00:38:32into his arms.

00:38:34Two months later,

00:38:35I was discharged.

00:38:36The doctor said

00:38:37it was a short blackout

00:38:38caused by emotional overload.

00:38:39Jace and I got

00:38:40into the same university

00:38:41just like we'd planned.

00:38:42In our free time,

00:38:43Jace put a lot of work

00:38:43into educating amateur climbers

00:38:45about the dangers

00:38:46of snow mountains

00:38:47and basic survival skills.

00:38:48The mountain rescue team

00:38:49we self-funded

00:38:50was now up and running.

00:38:51And his parents,

00:38:52still the same firecrackers

00:38:53they'd always been.

00:38:54I'd thought about

00:38:54asking them to stop climbing.

00:38:56Jace and I both worried

00:38:56they'd lose their lives

00:38:57saving someone again.

00:38:58Every time I tried,

00:38:59the light in their eyes

00:39:00shut me up.

00:39:01People need to love things

00:39:02for forcing them

00:39:04to give it up

00:39:04is its own kind of cruelty.

00:39:05Luckily.

00:39:06The fall,

00:39:07we turned 18.

00:39:07They saved the climber

00:39:09clinging to a cliff edge.

00:39:10This time,

00:39:11with a professional rescue team

00:39:12backing them up,

00:39:13nobody got hurt.

00:39:14I saw the headline

00:39:15pop on my phone

00:39:16and grabbed Jace

00:39:17and made him do three laps

00:39:18around the field with me.

00:39:19He finally dropped

00:39:20the casual front,

00:39:21knelt on the rubber track

00:39:22and cried and laughed

00:39:23for half an hour.

00:39:24I looked down,

00:39:25scrolled,

00:39:25a few headlines

00:39:26also popped out.

00:39:27Adler family

00:39:28declares bankruptcy.

00:39:29Patriarch sentence

00:39:30for hiring a hit.

00:39:31Murder for hire case

00:39:32takes a turn.

00:39:33Olivia Lindquist

00:39:33confesses she drugged

00:39:34Felix Adler

00:39:35and handed him to men

00:39:36known to prey on young men.

00:39:37Love and revenge

00:39:38entangled.

00:39:39Felix Adler strangles

00:39:41Olivia Lindquist

00:39:42in a psychiatric facility.

00:39:44Death penalty likely.

00:39:45Former child prodigy

00:39:46Cole Lindquist

00:39:47found dead at home.

00:39:48Suicide suspected.

00:39:49Hey,

00:39:50why aren't you comforting me?

00:39:51What are you reading?

00:39:52I gave up,

00:39:53took his hand.

00:39:54Comforting you?

00:39:55Not enough.

00:39:56What do you want?

00:39:57He leaned in.

00:39:59You?

00:40:01Shameless.

00:40:02The year we graduated college,

00:40:04Jace and I finally

00:40:05stood on top of Mont Blanc.

00:40:06Snow that never melts.

00:40:08White everywhere,

00:40:09below us.

00:40:09But this time,

00:40:10none of the heaviness

00:40:11from my first climb.

00:40:12I was still just a little worried.

00:40:14I put my hand

00:40:14on his chest again.

00:40:16You really feel fine?

00:40:17Not even a little off?

00:40:18We laughed.

00:40:20Not even a little.

00:40:21Not at all.

00:40:22My Anya is amazing.

00:40:25Loves herself,

00:40:26works hard,

00:40:27won me my bet so completely.

00:40:29I let out a long breath.

00:40:31Although,

00:40:32don't you think

00:40:32my heart's beating really fast?

00:40:35You.

00:40:36Pervert.

00:40:37Give me back my sweet,

00:40:38innocent boy.

00:40:38He grinned at me,

00:40:39those two little canine teeth showing.

00:40:41Then his grin faded.

00:40:42He looked at me for a long moment.

00:40:44Anya.

00:40:45Hmm?

00:40:45He let go of my hand,

00:40:47took a step back,

00:40:48and dropped to one knee in the snow.

00:40:49I froze,

00:40:50and he fumbled inside his climbing jacket,

00:40:52pulled out a small velvet box.

00:40:53His hands were shaking,

00:40:54not from the cold.

00:40:55I had a whole speech planned.

00:40:57Forgot all of it.

00:40:58You can't imagine

00:40:59how happy I'm the day

00:41:00watched you walked into room 7B

00:41:01with a stack of books.

00:41:02In every life.

00:41:03The one you remember.

00:41:04The one you don't.

00:41:05They told me you'd never learn

00:41:06to love yourself.

00:41:07They said I'd lose.

00:41:08They said I'd watch you walk

00:41:09the same road

00:41:09and never be able to stop you.

00:41:11But you did it.

00:41:12You loved yourself first.

00:41:13He finally looked up.

00:41:14His eyes were wet.

00:41:15Will you let me love you

00:41:16for the rest of this one?

00:41:18I knelt in front of him in the snow,

00:41:19took his face in both my hands.

00:41:21You stupid idiot.

00:41:23That's not a yes.

00:41:24It's a yes.

00:41:25I kissed him.

00:41:28When we pulled apart,

00:41:29he slid the ring onto my finger

00:41:30with hands still shaking.

00:41:33I looked down at it,

00:41:34at the small stone,

00:41:35catching the sun.

00:41:37Tell him he lost.

00:41:38Jace went still.

00:41:40Then he started laughing,

00:41:41really laughing,

00:41:42loud and bright,

00:41:43echoing off the snow.

00:41:45Three months after Mont Blanc.

00:41:47The ring sat on my finger,

00:41:48simple, perfect, real.

00:41:50Jace's mother was in our living room

00:41:52with three binders,

00:41:53two laptops,

00:41:54and a phone she kept losing.

00:41:55Anya, sweetheart,

00:41:58outdoor or indoor,

00:41:59pick one, I beg you.

00:42:01Outdoor.

00:42:02She kissed my forehead.

00:42:03Thank you.

00:42:05He'd argue with me

00:42:06for an hour about chairs.

00:42:08I would not.

00:42:09You would.

00:42:10You did.

00:42:10Last week.

00:42:12About napkins.

00:42:13Old classmates.

00:42:15Your tutor.

00:42:16The lady from the bakery you like.

00:42:18Your roommate from college.

00:42:20They will come for you.

00:42:21That night, in bed,

00:42:22Jace pulled me against his chest.

00:42:24You okay?

00:42:25Yes.

00:42:26Liar.

00:42:27Tomorrow's the fitting.

00:42:29I know.

00:42:31I'll be fine.

00:42:33I know.

00:42:34He kissed the top of my head.

00:42:35You don't have to be fine, Anya.

00:42:37The next morning,

00:42:38Jace's mother drove me

00:42:39to the bridal shop herself.

00:42:40The shop was bright and fancy.

00:42:42The seamstress brought out three dresses.

00:42:44I picked the one with the least fabric,

00:42:46less to think about.

00:42:46The dress fit.

00:42:48I looked in the mirror.

00:42:49A beautiful bride looked back at me.

00:42:50But suddenly something hit me.

00:42:52I sat down on the little velvet stool

00:42:53in the corner of the dressing room

00:42:55and put my hands over my face

00:42:56and started to cry.

00:42:58Jace's mother stepped inside.

00:42:59She knelt down in front of the stool

00:43:00and put both arms around me

00:43:02and held on.

00:43:02and I cried into her shoulder

00:43:04until I ran out of tears

00:43:05and then I cried a little more anyway.

00:43:07She wiped under my eyes with her thumb.

00:43:09Better?

00:43:10After a long time,

00:43:11my breathing evened out.

00:43:12A little.

00:43:13Good.

00:43:15She stood up.

00:43:16The dress is gorgeous on you.

00:43:18We'll get it taken in half an inch

00:43:20at the waist.

00:43:21Anya,

00:43:22you're allowed to have a small wedding.

00:43:24You're allowed to have a big one.

00:43:26And you're allowed to cry in a dressing room.

00:43:29But you're not allowed to apologize for it.

00:43:31Hear me?

00:43:32I nodded.

00:43:33She kissed my forehead and walked out.

00:43:34I sat there in the dress for another minute

00:43:36and then I stood up,

00:43:37faced the mirror

00:43:37and looked at the woman in white.

00:43:39This time I smiled back at her.

00:43:41Look at us.

00:43:42How lucky we are.

00:43:45Two weeks before the wedding

00:43:46and I was sorting old emails on a Sunday morning.

00:43:48Most of it was junk.

00:43:49A coupon from a hiking store,

00:43:51a reminder about my dentist,

00:43:52a receipt I'd lost.

00:43:53Then one with no subject line.

00:43:55The sender was a recovery facility.

00:43:57My finger hovered over delete.

00:43:59I opened it instead.

00:44:00Miss Lindrist,

00:44:02my name is Dr. Halber.

00:44:03I am writing to you

00:44:04on behalf of a patient

00:44:05in our long-term care program.

00:44:06His name is Cole Lindrist.

00:44:08He has been with us for three years.

00:44:09He asked me only to pass on a message.

00:44:11He wanted you to know

00:44:11that even though he can't face you,

00:44:13he's sorry for everything that happened.

00:44:15And he heard you're getting married.

00:44:16He wanted to wish you both every happiness.

00:44:17Sincerely, Dr. M. Halber.

00:44:19What's wrong?

00:44:20I turned the laptop toward him

00:44:21and he read.

00:44:22His jaw did the thing it did

00:44:23when he was angry.

00:44:24He kept reading.

00:44:25He read it again.

00:44:28So,

00:44:29what do you think about it, sweetheart?

00:44:31I thought he was dead.

00:44:33In the other life?

00:44:35Yes.

00:44:36This one's different.

00:44:37I know.

00:44:38I looked at the screen.

00:44:40He didn't ask to see me.

00:44:42No.

00:44:43He just wanted to apologize?

00:44:46Yeah.

00:44:46Chase?

00:44:48Yeah?

00:44:49I want to go.

00:44:51Okay.

00:44:53You don't think it's a bad idea?

00:44:55I think it's your idea.

00:44:56That's all I need to know.

00:44:58And I'll drive you and wait in the parking lot.

00:45:01Chase.

00:45:01Non-negotiable.

00:45:02I won't come in.

00:45:03I won't text.

00:45:05But I have to be there when you walk out.

00:45:07He reached up and took my hand.

00:45:09He kissed my knuckles right over the ring.

00:45:11I picked the laptop back up.

00:45:12I wrote three lines to Dr. Halpern.

00:45:14I would like to come.

00:45:15Friday, if possible.

00:45:17The facility was a low brick building outside the city.

00:45:20Pine trees.

00:45:21A pond.

00:45:22Chase turned off the engine.

00:45:23I'll be here.

00:45:24Yes.

00:45:25Take as long as you need.

00:45:26I won't.

00:45:28I got out.

00:45:29Walked through the lobby.

00:45:30Signed in.

00:45:31A woman in a soft cardigan led me down a hallway that smelled faintly of bleach.

00:45:36She stopped at a door marked Visitation Room 3.

00:45:38He's already inside.

00:45:40There's glass between you.

00:45:41It's standard for long-term patients in his level of care.

00:45:44You can stand or sit.

00:45:45There's an intercom.

00:45:46Press the button to speak.

00:45:47Thank you.

00:45:48She opened the door for me and stepped back.

00:45:50I walked in.

00:45:51Cole was on the other side of the glass.

00:45:53I almost didn't recognize him.

00:45:54He had lost so much weight that his cheekbones were sharp.

00:45:56His hair was shorter than I'd ever seen it.

00:45:58He wore a gray sweatshirt and soft pants and shoes without laces.

00:46:01His eyes were the same color as mine.

00:46:03He stood up when I came in.

00:46:04He looked a little panic.

00:46:05I sat down and pressed the intercom.

00:46:10Hello, Cole.

00:46:13Hi.

00:46:14He pressed his own.

00:46:15His voice was quieter than I remembered.

00:46:17Slower.

00:46:18He didn't waste time.

00:46:19Thank you for coming.

00:46:21I didn't come for you.

00:46:22Can I say what I want you to know?

00:46:24Yes.

00:46:27I made a list.

00:46:29Of the things I got wrong.

00:46:31I thought I would say them to you if I ever got the chance, so...

00:46:34Okay.

00:46:36I shouldn't have let go of your hand on the stairs that day.

00:46:40I shouldn't have kicked you into the thorns.

00:46:42I shouldn't have called you cruel for being upset about a bracelet I forgot I'd given you.

00:46:48I shouldn't have gone along with the name change.

00:46:51I shouldn't have let them put you in that place.

00:46:55He didn't ask me to say anything back.

00:46:57He just listed them.

00:46:58Each thing.

00:46:58Some of the things he said were things I had forgotten.

00:47:01Some of them I hadn't.

00:47:02When he got to the end of the list, he stopped.

00:47:04He looked up at me through the glass for the first time since I'd sat down.

00:47:07That's all.

00:47:08I'm not asking you to forgive me.

00:47:10I wanted you to know that I know.

00:47:12Thank you for telling me.

00:47:15But we're not going to see each other again.

00:47:21He nodded once.

00:47:22Okay.

00:47:23I stood up.

00:47:24I picked up my bag.

00:47:25I had my hands on the handle when his voice came through the speaker, soft.

00:47:30Oh, no.

00:47:31I stopped.

00:47:32I didn't turn around.

00:47:33Have a beautiful wedding.

00:47:35Then I opened it and walked out.

00:47:36In the parking lot, Jace was leaning against the car.

00:47:38He saw me coming and pushed off the door but didn't move toward me.

00:47:41I walked the last 20 feet and stopped in front of him.

00:47:44Hi.

00:47:48Hi.

00:47:51Are you okay?

00:47:53Yes.

00:47:54Really?

00:47:56Really.

00:47:58He opened the car door for me.

00:47:59I got in with a smile.

00:48:02The call came on a Tuesday afternoon.

00:48:04I was at the Foundation's office reviewing the quarterly report

00:48:07when Jace walked in with his phone in his hand

00:48:09and a look on his face I hadn't seen before.

00:48:11What?

00:48:12Mercier Sport is pulling.

00:48:13I sat down the report.

00:48:15All of it?

00:48:17All of it.

00:48:18They issued a statement an hour ago.

00:48:20On what grounds?

00:48:21Mismanagement.

00:48:22Specific my call last week on the Pyrenees rescue.

00:48:24The call where you brought everyone home alive?

00:48:26That one.

00:48:27Yes.

00:48:28He sat down across from me and I picked up my own phone.

00:48:31The statement was already trending in the climbing community.

00:48:35I looked up.

00:48:36They're going after your dad.

00:48:39Yes.

00:48:40Why?

00:48:42He turned the phone toward me.

00:48:43A second article posted within the hour.

00:48:45An anonymous source claims that the 2007 rescue had been embellished.

00:48:49Claims that one of the climbers had nearly died because of a delayed call.

00:48:52Claims that Jace's father had lied to the press for two decades.

00:48:55I scrolled.

00:48:56The comments were already nasty.

00:48:58I told my dad to ignore it.

00:48:59He won't.

00:49:01He didn't move from the chair.

00:49:02I noticed his hands resting on his knees, loose, calm, too calm.

00:49:06I'll handle the board.

00:49:07We'll find another sponsor.

00:49:08It'll take a year, maybe two.

00:49:10The rescue work doesn't stop.

00:49:12Jace.

00:49:12It's fine.

00:49:14It's a business problem.

00:49:16Jace.

00:49:17He looked at me and I didn't push.

00:49:19He stood up after a while and went to make calls.

00:49:21I watched him through the glass wall of the conference room.

00:49:24He talked to four people in an hour.

00:49:26Then he hung up.

00:49:27He drank water.

00:49:28He made another.

00:49:29I went to bed at midnight.

00:49:30I woke up at three.

00:49:32The balcony light was still on.

00:49:33I walked to the doorway in my socks and stopped.

00:49:35He was standing at the railing, his back to me.

00:49:37A beer untouched on the little table next to him.

00:49:40The city was quiet at three in the morning.

00:49:42You could see the streetlights all the way down.

00:49:43He didn't know I was there.

00:49:45He stood there for another ten minutes without moving.

00:49:47Then he put his hand over his face and bent forward just a little.

00:49:50and his shoulders moved once and then again.

00:49:52I had known this man since I was 13 years old.

00:49:55I had never seen him do that.

00:49:56He'd been the strong one for me for so long that I'd let myself believe he was just made

00:49:59that way.

00:50:00He needed that ten minutes by himself.

00:50:01But when he finally turned around and saw me in the doorway, I walked across the balcony

00:50:05and wrapped both arms around his middle.

00:50:13The press conference was at 2pm the next afternoon.

00:50:18I called it.

00:50:19I did not tell Jace until I'd already booked the room.

00:50:21He found out at nine that morning and walked into the kitchen with his coffee and stared at me.

00:50:26Anya.

00:50:28Yes.

00:50:30You called a press conference.

00:50:32Yes.

00:50:34In my father's name.

00:50:36In the foundation's name.

00:50:38I slid my laptop across the table.

00:50:39He read for a long time.

00:50:40Then he looked up.

00:50:42Where did you get the audio?

00:50:43From the team.

00:50:44All of it is logged.

00:50:46Mercier signed off on the protocol when they came on.

00:50:47I just pulled the files.

00:50:49And the climber for 2007, he flew in this morning.

00:50:51He said they'll speak after me.

00:50:54Anya.

00:50:55You did all of this last night?

00:50:57I started immediately when I knew it.

00:50:59He sat there with the laptop.

00:51:00I watched him.

00:51:01He closed it.

00:51:02He pushed it back to me.

00:51:03He didn't say thank you.

00:51:04He just nodded once and kissed me.

00:51:07The conference room was full at 1.50.

00:51:09Cameras on stands, reporters in chairs.

00:51:11A long table at the front with a microphone and a pitcher of water.

00:51:15I walked in at two on the dot.

00:51:16I sat down.

00:51:17I poured myself a glass of water.

00:51:19I drank half of it.

00:51:20And then I started.

00:51:21I went through the Pyrenees rescue.

00:51:23In order, wind conditions, decision points, time stamps.

00:51:26The exact moment Jace had made each call.

00:51:29I played the recordings.

00:51:30I had every document.

00:51:31The original incident report.

00:51:32The medical records with the surviving climbers signed permission.

00:51:35The radio logs.

00:51:3640 minutes in, I brought up the climber from 2007.

00:51:39He was a quiet man in his 60s.

00:51:41He sat down next to me.

00:51:42He thanked Jace's father by name.

00:51:44He explained what had actually happened in that storm.

00:51:46He cried a little at the end of it.

00:51:48I closed the conference at four.

00:51:50I walked out the side door, got in the car where Jace was waiting, and sat down.

00:51:53He had been watching the live stream on his phone.

00:51:55I could see it still open on his lap.

00:51:57Anya, all my life, all my life, I have been the one who stepped in front.

00:52:02I know.

00:52:03And just now you stepped in front of me.

00:52:06Anya, in this life, it's been you protecting me.

00:52:12By the next morning, their CEO had requested a meeting.

00:52:15By that afternoon, he was standing in the Foundation's lobby, holding a bouquet of flowers

00:52:19and a written apology.

00:52:20Jace took the meeting alone.

00:52:21I don't know what he said in that room.

00:52:23When he came out, the CEO was paler than when he'd gone in.

00:52:26He kept the apology.

00:52:27He told me later, in bed that night, that he'd accepted the apology because they would

00:52:31print it.

00:52:32He told me he had not accepted the funding.

00:52:36We don't need them.

00:52:37He kissed the top of my head and finnily went to a good sleep.

00:52:41The hospital called on a Thursday morning, six days before the wedding.

00:52:44A nurse, professional, careful with her words.

00:52:48Miss Linderstreen, I'm calling about your mother.

00:52:50Yes?

00:52:51She has taken a turn.

00:52:52The doctor doesn't think she has long.

00:52:54Days?

00:52:56Possibly.

00:52:56We thought you should know.

00:52:58Thank you.

00:53:00I hung up.

00:53:01I sat at the kitchen counter with my hands still on the phone.

00:53:05Jace was at the Foundation that morning.

00:53:06The apartment was quiet.

00:53:08I made a fresh pot of coffee.

00:53:09I poured a cup.

00:53:10I carried it to the window seat in the living room and sat down with my feet tucked up and

00:53:14watched the city wake up.

00:53:16I didn't call Jace.

00:53:17I just sat there and I wasn't deciding whether to go.

00:53:20Not whether to forgive her.

00:53:21Forgiveness wasn't on the table.

00:53:23It hadn't been on the table since I was 12.

00:53:24The question was simpler than that.

00:53:26How did I want this to end?

00:53:30By next morning, I knew.

00:53:31I drove myself.

00:53:32I didn't tell Jace until I was already in the car.

00:53:34He didn't stop me.

00:53:35He just said,

00:53:36Call me when you're out.

00:53:37The hospital was the kind with long, quiet corridors and the smell of clean sheets and

00:53:42lemon disinfectant.

00:53:44A nurse showed me to the room.

00:53:46My mother was small.

00:53:47That was the first thing I noticed.

00:53:48She had always been a tall woman.

00:53:50Now she was small in the bed.

00:53:51Her hair was thin and white at the roots.

00:53:53Her hands on the blanket looked like a stranger's hands.

00:53:56There were no other visitors.

00:53:57I didn't know if that was because they weren't allowed in or because there was no one to come.

00:54:01I didn't ask.

00:54:01I walked to the bed.

00:54:02I pulled up the chair and sat down.

00:54:04I didn't take her hand right away.

00:54:05I just sat there and looked at her.

00:54:07Her eyes were closed.

00:54:08Her breathing was shallow.

00:54:10The monitor beside her clicked at intervals.

00:54:12After a while, she stirred.

00:54:14Her eyes opened halfway.

00:54:16They were cloudy.

00:54:16They moved slowly across the ceiling, then the wall, then me.

00:54:19For a long second, they were empty.

00:54:22Then somewhere very far behind them, something flickered just for a second.

00:54:26Her mouth moved.

00:54:32Anya.

00:54:33Not Mia.

00:54:34Anya.

00:54:34The name she had taken away from me when I was 14.

00:54:37I took her hand.

00:54:38I didn't say anything.

00:54:39I held her hand for three minutes by the clock on the wall.

00:54:41I felt her pulse.

00:54:42I felt the bones in her fingers.

00:54:44I didn't tell her she was forgiven.

00:54:45I didn't tell her she wasn't.

00:54:46I didn't tell her I had a wedding next week.

00:54:48I didn't tell her about Jace.

00:54:49I didn't tell her anything.

00:54:51After three minutes, I set her hand down on the blanket gently.

00:54:53I stood up.

00:54:54She had closed her eyes again.

00:54:56I walked to the door.

00:54:57I didn't look back.

00:54:59In the corridor, the nurse asked me if I wanted to leave a number.

00:55:02Would you like to leave a number?

00:55:04No.

00:55:04Thank you.

00:55:06I walked out into the parking lot, and I called Jace from the car.

00:55:10Hi.

00:55:11Hi.

00:55:12Hi.

00:55:13I'm out.

00:55:15How are you?

00:55:15I sat with the question.

00:55:17I sat with it long enough that he knew not to ask again.

00:55:21I didn't forgive her.

00:55:23Okay.

00:55:24But I took it out of my chest, the whole thing.

00:55:26I just carried it out of the room and left it there.

00:55:28He was quiet on the other end of the line.

00:55:31Then he said very gently,

00:55:32Come home, Anya.

00:55:35She died three days later.

00:55:36I did not go to the funeral.

00:55:38I didn't tell anyone except Jace.

00:55:39He didn't ask why.

00:55:40He knew.

00:55:43The night before the wedding, the rehearsal was over, the dinner was over.

00:55:46The last of the Foundation crew had hugged me and stumbled out laughing toward their hotel.

00:55:50Jace was going to stay with his friends for the last single night.

00:55:53He'd kissed me at the door of the cottage and stood there with his forehead against mine for one long

00:55:58beat.

00:55:59Tomorrow.

00:56:00Yeah.

00:56:02Tomorrow.

00:56:02He'd left.

00:56:03I was in the cottage by myself, just me in the dress hanging on the closet door, white and patient.

00:56:08There was a knock.

00:56:09I opened it.

00:56:10Jace's mother stood on the porch holding a wooden box.

00:56:13The box was old.

00:56:14The wood was dark and worn smooth at the corners.

00:56:17There was no handle.

00:56:18She held it with both hands.

00:56:20Hi, honey.

00:56:21Can I come in?

00:56:22Of course.

00:56:23She stepped inside.

00:56:25She set the box on the little table by the window.

00:56:27She didn't sit down.

00:56:28I wasn't going to give this to you tonight.

00:56:30I was going to give it to you tomorrow before the ceremony.

00:56:32But I think tonight is better.

00:56:34Okay?

00:56:35I want you to open it after I leave.

00:56:38Okay.

00:56:38She looked at me.

00:56:39Her eyes were bright, but she wasn't crying.

00:56:42Anya.

00:56:42She didn't say whatever it was she'd been about to say.

00:56:44She came across the room and hugged me hard once and kissed me on the side of my head and

00:56:48walked back to the door.

00:56:51Sleep early, baby.

00:56:54I will.

00:56:56The door clicked shut.

00:56:57I stood in the middle of the room.

00:56:58I went to the table.

00:56:59I opened the box.

00:57:00Inside, the things were not arranged.

00:57:02They were just placed.

00:57:03A pencil sketch.

00:57:04In the corner of the sketch and pencil was a date.

00:57:06Two months before my birthday that year.

00:57:08She had sketched it.

00:57:09Under the sketch was a paper train ticket.

00:57:11The date and the destination still legible.

00:57:13Our first climb together.

00:57:14That summer.

00:57:15Under the ticket was a photograph.

00:57:17Me.

00:57:18In a graduation gown from college.

00:57:20I had never seen this photo before.

00:57:22I had not known anyone took it.

00:57:23She had been in the audience that day.

00:57:25So had Jace's father.

00:57:26So had Jace.

00:57:27They had all been there.

00:57:28But I had not been looking.

00:57:29And no one had told me they had taken pictures.

00:57:31There were three of them.

00:57:32From three different angles.

00:57:34Under the photographs was an envelope.

00:57:36My name on the front.

00:57:37In her handwriting.

00:57:37Just my name.

00:57:39Anya.

00:57:39I sat down on the floor by the table and I opened the envelope.

00:57:42A single sentence.

00:57:43Thank you for letting us be your family.

00:57:45That was all.

00:57:45I sat on the floor for a long time with the letter in my hands.

00:57:49I read the sentence three times.

00:57:51And then I folded the paper.

00:57:52I put it back in the envelope.

00:57:53I put the envelope back in the box.

00:57:54I closed the lid.

00:57:55I stood up.

00:57:56I walked to the mirror over the dresser.

00:57:57The woman in the mirror was barefoot in pajamas with her hair down.

00:58:01But she looked young.

00:58:02She looked like a person about to do something big.

00:58:05I looked at her.

00:58:07You're getting married tomorrow.

00:58:09The woman in the mirror smiled.

00:58:10It wasn't a small smile.

00:58:12It was an enormous smile.

00:58:13The kind that goes all the way up into the eyes.

00:58:18The morning was clear and cold.

00:58:20We held it at the foot of a mountain.

00:58:21The one with the long ridge and the meadow that flooded with wildflowers in early summer.

00:58:25The setup was simple.

00:58:26White folding chairs in two short rows.

00:58:29An arch made of pine and trailing greens.

00:58:31A path of pressed grass between the chairs.

00:58:33The guests were small in number.

00:58:35A few old classmates.

00:58:36Some of the foundation crew.

00:58:37My old high school homeroom teacher.

00:58:39Two of Jace's parents' oldest climbing partners.

00:58:41That was the way I'd wanted it.

00:58:43That was the way Jace had wanted it.

00:58:44I walked the path alone.

00:58:46Jace's mother had offered.

00:58:47So had his father.

00:58:48I had thanked them both and asked to walk by myself.

00:58:50They had understood.

00:58:51I held a small bouquet.

00:58:53Wildflowers.

00:58:54White and pale yellow.

00:58:55The afternoon light was gold on the meadow.

00:58:57Jace was at the arch.

00:58:58He was wearing a navy suit.

00:58:59No tie.

00:59:00His hair was a little too long.

00:59:01He looked exactly like the 17-year-old who'd handed me a wrapped box at my 14th birthday

00:59:06and scratched his head and said, I hope you like it.

00:59:08He looked at me the whole way down the path.

00:59:10He didn't try to look composed.

00:59:12His mouth was open a little.

00:59:13His eyes were wet.

00:59:14I walked toward him slowly.

00:59:15I didn't want to hurry in.

00:59:16I wanted to remember every second.

00:59:18When I got to the arch, he reached for my hand.

00:59:20He couldn't help it.

00:59:20He just reached.

00:59:21The officiant smiled and let him.

00:59:23When it came time for the vows, Jace went first.

00:59:25He cleared his throat.

00:59:27He looked at me.

00:59:27He didn't read off a paper.

00:59:29He'd memorized it.

00:59:29I could tell because of the way his hand kept moving, like it wanted to hold something.

00:59:34Ana.

00:59:34Yes.

00:59:35I have been waiting for Tay since I was 12 years old.

00:59:37Since a basketball that bounced off the head and you walked past me in the doorway with

00:59:39your arms full of books.

00:59:40A small laugh from the crowd.

00:59:42He didn't break eye contact.

00:59:43I have been waiting for today across more lifetimes than you know about.

00:59:47He took a breath.

00:59:47And through every one of them, the answer has been the same.

00:59:50It's you.

00:59:51It's only you.

00:59:52It will always be you.

00:59:53Thank you, Jace.

00:59:54Thank you for loving me when I didn't yet know how to love myself.

00:59:57He pressed his lips together hard.

00:59:58After the officiant said the words, he slid the ring onto my finger.

01:00:02In that exact moment, the light shifted.

01:00:04The sun was tipping behind the ridge.

01:00:06The peak of the mountain caught it.

01:00:07A long flash of cold spilled down the rock face.

01:00:10Soft and warm.

01:00:11The color of an old lamp burning in a quiet shop.

01:00:13I felt it on the side of my face and I froze for half a second.

01:00:16I had seen that color before.

01:00:18A pawn shop, a counter, a man with pale gray eyes holding a contract.

01:00:20I knew the moment I felt the warmth on my cheek, what it was.

01:00:24It was the sun.

01:00:25It was only the sun.

01:00:26But I let myself believe just for that second that someone, somewhere, was watching.

01:00:30That a wager that had been placed on me a long time ago had finally been won.

01:00:33That a man behind a counter had stopped polishing an empty jar and looked up.

01:00:37I looked at Jace.

01:00:38I smiled.

01:00:38I looked down at the ring on my finger.

01:00:40I let it be a goodbye.

01:00:41When I looked up again, the light had moved on.

01:00:43It was just a sunset.

01:00:44Just a meadow.

01:00:45Just my husband.

01:00:46He was watching my face.

01:00:47You okay?

01:00:49Yes, me.

01:00:50He kissed me.

01:00:51Behind us, the guests stood up and clapped and somebody whooped.

01:00:55And Jace's mother was crying to Jace's father's shoulder.

01:00:57And the whole meadow was full of clapping and laughing.

01:01:00And somebody yelled,

01:01:01Kiss her again!

01:01:02He kissed me again.

01:01:03I held his face with both hands and I kissed him back.

01:01:05The mountain stood behind us, old and steady.

01:01:08And the sun finished going down.

01:01:11Ten years passed, it went the way good years go.

01:01:14Which is fast.

01:01:14The foundation grew into something we hadn't dared imagine when we started it.

01:01:17International respected.

01:01:18Quietly the standard in our field for how rescues were taught and run.

01:01:22We trained kids who would have died in mountains once.

01:01:24And who now came back down and trained the next ones.

01:01:26Jace's parents climbed for another seven years before they retired.

01:01:30They didn't retire so much as they slowed down.

01:01:33They wrote a book about it.

01:01:34The book was good.

01:01:35People read it.

01:01:36They are now the kind of figures whose names you say in a certain tone.

01:01:39We had a daughter.

01:01:40We took three months naming her.

01:01:41We made lists.

01:01:42We argued.

01:01:43We wrote names on the fridge and crossed them out.

01:01:45The night before her birth, I still didn't know.

01:01:47She came out small and loud and furious.

01:01:49Jace held her in the hospital and looked at me over her head.

01:01:51Hope.

01:01:52Yeah?

01:01:53Yes.

01:01:54That was how she got her name.

01:01:55She is nine now.

01:01:56She has Jace's mouth and my eyes and a temper neither of us can account for.

01:02:00It's a Sunday, late afternoon.

01:02:02The light coming in through the big living room window is the color it always is at this time of

01:02:06year.

01:02:06I'm in the window seat with a book, not reading it, just holding it.

01:02:09Hope is on the rug.

01:02:10She's drawing something with markers.

01:02:11She's been drawing the same thing for an hour.

01:02:14The kettle clicks off in the kitchen.

01:02:15Jace comes around the corner with two mugs.

01:02:17He sets one down on the little table beside me and he sees something on my face.

01:02:21What are you thinking about?

01:02:22I look at him.

01:02:23I think about everything.

01:02:24About a stairwell when I was 12.

01:02:25About a hallway when I was 13.

01:02:27About a hospital room when I was 22.

01:02:29About a counter in a warm amber light.

01:02:31About a boy who traded everything he had for me to learn one small, impossible thing.

01:02:34Nothing, just that.

01:02:36It's a good thing to be alive.

01:02:38He bends down.

01:02:38He kisses me on the forehead.

01:02:40He goes and sits on the rug next to our daughter.

01:02:42What it's drawing.

01:02:43It's a mountain.

01:02:44I lift the mug.

01:02:45I take a sip.

01:02:46The light through the window is gold and warm and the afternoon goes on.

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