- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00It's time to come home.
00:01I'm not sure if I can.
00:03I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am.
00:07I've seen terrible things.
00:09I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons.
00:11Sorry.
00:13Detective Santiago!
00:15Don't walk away from me!
00:17Shell casings found here. Two shots. Bang, bang.
00:20Great work, Detective.
00:22You get a tie.
00:23That's mine. You took it from my desk.
00:25That's right, Charles. Good solve. Tie for you.
00:27Thanks.
00:27Now, everyone be sure to put those on, because it's impossible to solve crimes unless you're wearing a tie.
00:32Lay off the captain. That man is gonna be my rabbi.
00:35Okay, first of all, when you use the word rabbi, you know that turns me on.
00:38And that's unfair in the work environment.
00:41Fantastic. 3,000 identical blue doors.
00:44Looks like we all got door duty.
00:46Oh, yeah. Number four.
00:48Good one.
00:50You look great.
00:54Whoa! Detective Santiago!
00:56Big date tonight. How do I look?
00:59Well, I think you look.
01:02We can't ask him any more questions until we find his lawyer, and we can't find his lawyer anywhere.
01:06I'm sorry.
01:08Oh, come on. Why is there pie here?
01:11That's not good.
01:13I think the world of you, as a colleague and friend.
01:16Shut up, Peralta.
01:17Yep.
01:17You're real talkative now that you want our help.
01:20All right, it is possible that I should have brought you guys in sooner, but I just get so excited,
01:26wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff, you know?
01:28I get it. You want to be the best. We all do. You just don't have to be such a
01:33butthead about it.
01:36Then I toss a corkscrew out the window and it lands on a passing car.
01:40Security cams showed no one driving by at that time, and nothing on the street.
01:44Okay, I want in. But I only want to stab you.
01:47Fine.
01:48A year ago today, Peralta and I made a bet to prove who's a better detective. Whoever makes more felony
01:53arrests wins.
01:54What are the stakes? And don't say money because I know you're in debt.
01:58If you really knew anything about me, you would have said crushing debt, and I'll bet whatever because there's no
02:03way I'm losing.
02:03What about your car?
02:06That thing is a date magnet. I mean, how many girls have you made out with in that car? Six.
02:11Well, I'm gonna win, so sure. Let's bet the car.
02:14No, Jakey, no. That car is your superpower. Thor would never wager his hammer.
02:20Neil Patrick Harris would never wager his showmanship. Losing that car would be the worst thing in the world for
02:24you.
02:25Well, what's the worst thing in the world for you, Santiago?
02:27Being one of those girls in Jake's car.
02:29Okay, okay, okay. Then it is settled. If Peralta loses, Santiago gets his car. If Santiago loses, she goes for
02:37a date in said car.
02:38Game on.
02:39Game on.
02:41Jake wins. Amy loses.
02:50Look!
02:57Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will
03:04you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes.
03:07Yes.
03:08She said yes! She said yes!
03:12This is for you.
03:16Happy?
03:17Oh, yeah. You look like every girl at every bat mitzvah I ever had a crush on. Let's see the
03:23bow. Just like Jenny Gildenhorn.
03:26Why do I wish you had braces? Should we get you braces? No, that's too much. Here I come.
03:33Nice shorts.
03:34Thank you. Believe it or not, they were not very expensive.
03:36Do I really have to wear this all night?
03:38You know the rules. The date starts now and ends at midnight. I decide what you wear, what you eat,
03:42and where we go.
03:43Oh, and there is one more rule. No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.
03:52Won't be a problem.
03:53Hot date coming through! Hey, attention everyone!
03:57Now, I know that tonight is Boyle's big night.
04:02But let's forget about that completely for a moment, and admire, and comment on every terrible aspect of this.
04:12Permission to go to the bathroom.
04:14Granted. First of three, use them wisely.
04:17First up is the mall photo studio, where we'll take our official date portrait.
04:21The picture will be the two of us playing one saxophone.
04:25Then, some peel-and-eat shrimp for dinner at a dangerously cheap seafood restaurant.
04:30And then, I've contracted a youth choir to serenade us.
04:35Santiago! Santiago! Santiago! Santiago! You suck so bad!
04:42Yes!
04:43They'll sing to her at midnight in the middle of Times Square.
04:46She and 500 German tourists will savor that memory for all times.
04:50Santiago and I will be performing the steerage jig from the film Titanic, which we have prepared for in no
04:57way, shape, or form.
04:59Romantic.
04:59No, embarrassing.
05:01M'lady.
05:03Yeah!
05:08Do this mini!
05:09I hate your guts!
05:10Channel that passion into the dance!
05:12So happy to be out of that dress.
05:14It was weirdly hot.
05:16Oh, yeah, it's probably because it was a cotton and plastic blend.
05:19But, not to worry, we're gonna catch these guys and get back to the worst date of your life.
05:24Mmm, no.
05:25Nothing will ever be worse than the date I had with my aunt's dentist.
05:28You should try some of this.
05:30Okay.
05:31Oh.
05:32Okay.
05:33Hold on.
05:33Hmm?
05:34Yeah, dessert is out of the question.
05:38Man, I don't know how Batman does it.
05:39It is super scary up here.
05:41Hey, will you grab the binoculars?
05:42They're in my stakeout bag.
05:43Your stakeout bag is 98% nuts.
05:46I get snacky.
05:48Besides, nuts are super healthy.
05:49They're like 0% fat.
05:51Jake, that's not true at all.
05:53It's actually the opposite.
05:54What?
05:55That nut vendor lied to me.
05:59I think a pigeon just flew out of your car.
06:02Yeah, the windows don't exactly roll up.
06:04The car's a piece of crap.
06:06Why do you love it so much?
06:09You really wanna know?
06:11I was two days out of the academy, super nervous.
06:14Saw this guy run out of a bodega clutching a bunch of cash.
06:17So, I pursued him on foot 11 blocks.
06:20Finally catch him, cuff him, throw him up against that car.
06:25Turned out there was a for sale sign in the window,
06:28and it being the best day of my life, I bought it.
06:31Thus began the debt.
06:33Crushing debt.
06:35You do know me.
06:37Nut?
06:38Only if you throw it.
06:39Ready?
06:40Ready?
06:41Mm-hmm.
06:42Check it out.
06:43Nice!
06:44You got it framed?
06:45Of course.
06:45It commemorates our victory over the Vulture,
06:47the greatest day in human history.
06:49Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog
06:51at the end of Ghostbusters.
06:53I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago.
06:55Emphasis on Iago, backstabber.
06:57I'm surprised you read Othello.
06:59What the hell's Othello?
07:00I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.
07:02Why do you even care if I leave?
07:05Because the Vulture is the worst.
07:07That whole division is the worst.
07:08They steal cases.
07:09It's the lowest of the low.
07:10So if I transferred somewhere else,
07:12you wouldn't care at all?
07:13No.
07:13Of course not.
07:15Do whatever you want.
07:16You know?
07:17Your life.
07:18Jake?
07:19Nice job on the case.
07:20Great solve.
07:21Thanks.
07:22Aren't you supposed to be in the Berkshires?
07:23I've had a dental thing.
07:25But you're such a good brusher.
07:26I know!
07:27Turns out that was my undoing.
07:29Classic.
07:29Yeah.
07:30Hey, you remember Teddy?
07:32Oh, yeah.
07:33Hey, man.
07:33How are you?
07:33Great solve.
07:34Can I buy you a Pilsner?
07:35They have awesome Pilsners here.
07:36Teddy's really into Pilsners.
07:38Cool.
07:39Attention!
07:40Everyone, raise your glasses to the amazing Jake Peralta.
07:45Today, he did the impossible.
07:47He closed case 52ABX-32QJ!
07:52Speech, speech, speech.
07:54Look, the real hero here is the murderer.
07:57Because without him, there wouldn't be a case.
07:58So here's to Nate Dexter, the murderer.
08:06What's going on with you?
08:08For the past two days, you've been telling me how amazing it was going to be to solve this case.
08:12This does not look amazing.
08:14I don't know, man.
08:15I thought I'd be more psyched too.
08:17Maybe I just need a cooler case.
08:19No.
08:19That is not going to work.
08:22You set the precinct record.
08:23You weren't happy.
08:24You solved an unsolvable case.
08:26You weren't happy.
08:27No case is going to make you happy.
08:30Something's bothering you.
08:32And whatever it is, you gotta deal with it.
08:35Yeah.
08:36Well, maybe I can't deal with it right now or, you know, whatever.
08:44Ooh.
08:46That's a tough one.
08:47Yeah.
08:49That guard by the door will not move.
08:52Uh-oh.
08:53Just made eye contact with me.
08:55Play cool.
08:56Dance, dance, dance, dance.
08:57You don't have to say dance every time you make a step.
09:00Good call.
09:01Hey, do you want me to actually show you how to do this?
09:04So you don't hurt yourself and possibly others?
09:07Yes.
09:07Okay.
09:08Ready?
09:09Mm-hmm.
09:14This is kind of fun.
09:15Yeah.
09:17Maybe Teddy and I should take a class.
09:20Yeah.
09:21Maybe.
09:23Amy.
09:24Hey.
09:25Thought I missed you.
09:25Hey, Jake.
09:27Amazing assignment.
09:28I have to admit, I'm a little jealous.
09:31Really?
09:31Mm-hmm.
09:32Well, if you want, I could help you get fired.
09:33I'm really good at it.
09:35Yeah.
09:37This is real.
09:37This is happening.
09:39Look, um, I don't want to be a jerk.
09:42I know you're dating Teddy and it's going really well.
09:46It's just...
09:47What's going on?
09:50I don't know what's going to happen on this assignment.
09:52And if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this.
09:58I kind of wish something could happen between us.
10:03Romantic styles.
10:04And I know it can't because you're with Teddy and I'm going undercover and...
10:09That's just how it is, but...
10:15Anyway, we're not supposed to have any contacts, so I should go.
10:19America needs me.
10:21Bye.
10:25Hey.
10:26So, didn't get a chance to say hi.
10:29Hi.
10:30Hi.
10:31Can we talk in private for a sec?
10:35Okay.
10:37So, now that we are alone, I have to ask...
10:43Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
10:47Oh, my God.
10:48Yes.
10:48I should have told you immediately.
10:50Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
10:52Oh, yeah.
10:52First ballot.
10:53I mean, it's right up there with Sylvester Stuhls and Janet Storkmuncher.
10:58Uh, but also, I just, I know we left things kind of weird.
11:03You know, me saying that I liked you and...
11:05I'm still with Teddy.
11:07Romantic styles.
11:09Oh.
11:10Good.
11:10Good.
11:11Because I was going to say, I know we left things weird because I said that I liked you, but
11:16that was a mistake.
11:16You know, I was nervous about going undercover and I think I just kind of freaked out and you were
11:21nearby, so...
11:23I didn't mean it.
11:24But, that's great.
11:26Good.
11:27Hey, so Joe Uterus, what did he do?
11:29Killed a bunch of stray dogs.
11:31Ah.
11:31Got you a drink.
11:32Thanks.
11:34What is this?
11:35Champagne mixed with 30 year old scotch and top shelf tequila.
11:39Captain said a two drink max, but he did not set a price limit.
11:42Smart.
11:43Hmm.
11:45Oh God, it's horrible.
11:47Yeah, I shouldn't have added the olive juice.
11:49Ew.
11:50Hey, so listen.
11:51The thing I said to you before I went undercover about how I wish something had happened between us romantically.
11:57That wasn't nothing.
11:58That was real.
12:00What are you saying?
12:01I know that you're with Teddy.
12:02I'm not trying to change that.
12:04And I get there's stuff I can't control.
12:06But this morning I told you that I didn't mean any of it and that was a lie.
12:10I just don't want to hold anything back.
12:13Well, thank you for saying that.
12:16Just as long as we're clear that I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen.
12:21I'm with someone, nothing's going to happen.
12:22Name me your sex tape.
12:24He's back.
12:25Pregnant.
12:26Nice.
12:27Means you had sex.
12:28Damn right I did.
12:30And I forgot my birth control.
12:32Yeah.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Let me be pregnant.
12:35Whoop.
12:36Adorable.
12:37Right?
12:37I can't believe I lost again.
12:39I was so psyched up for this.
12:41What happened?
12:41Well, maybe being so psyched up is what happened.
12:45Like, every time we're doing police work, you're always super smart and you stay calm and take your time.
12:50But every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot.
12:54My advice next time, don't act like a crazy idiot.
12:58Thanks.
12:59That's surprisingly insightful.
13:01Yeah, well, motherhood really opens a man's eyes.
13:05I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
13:08All right.
13:09Too much?
13:10Yeah.
13:10Peralta.
13:11What the hell?
13:12Where were you?
13:13I got eliminated.
13:15Excuse me, officer.
13:16Yeah, sweetheart.
13:18Sweetheart?
13:19Seriously, Hank, is that how you talk to women who come in here?
13:22Jimmy jabs.
13:23I didn't even make it past one person.
13:25You're out?
13:25I'm in the finals?
13:26And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy?
13:29That's nothing.
13:30Hey, don't you dare touch Amy Jr.
13:33That's right.
13:34It's your baby.
13:36Are you saying I knocked you up?
13:38You sure did.
13:40Jake.
13:41Can I talk to you for a second?
13:43Yeah, sure thing.
13:44Hold that?
13:44Sure.
13:45All right, Jake.
13:46You want to call off the bet?
13:47Seriously?
13:48You're going to back out now just because you're losing?
13:50What is this, a riverboat casino on the river of no rules?
13:53No.
13:54I'm giving you a chance to call off the bet because it's clear you don't actually want Katie's number
13:58because you're still into Amy.
14:00What?
14:00That's crazy.
14:01I just spent the whole day fighting for another girl's number.
14:04I spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
14:06Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
14:09Then prove it.
14:10Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
14:14Fine.
14:14Easy.
14:15When I beat you, which victory dance should I do?
14:17This one?
14:20Or this one?
14:23Oh, wow.
14:24Okay.
14:28Both are examples of victory dances.
14:31No comeback?
14:32After I burned you with those moves?
14:35You must be pretty nervous.
14:37Yep.
14:38The Serbian President's plane is wheels up.
14:40Report to your motorcade positions immediately.
14:42Let's go!
14:44Hey.
14:44You gave it a good try.
14:46Sorry you lost.
14:47No.
14:47It's for the best.
14:50I let Amy win.
14:51Close, close, close!
14:53Close!
14:55You're right.
14:56I'm not over her.
14:58Oh, hey.
14:59I hope this is cool with you, but since we're not technically on duty till tomorrow morning,
15:03I invited Sophia to join me upstate.
15:05The B&B we're staying at looks really nice.
15:07It's almost like it's haunted by fancy ghosts.
15:10I don't mind at all.
15:11It's actually really cute of you.
15:13Teddy's never done anything that spontaneous or romantic.
15:17That's not fair.
15:18He did brew me a rose-infused pilsner once.
15:21But it tasted like hand lotion and the bubbles didn't happen.
15:24Sounds bad.
15:25Try to be in the lobby in about a half an hour.
15:27I got you a little surprise.
15:28No.
15:29Your surprises are always terrible.
15:31What's going on?
15:31You have to tell me.
15:32You're gonna love this.
15:34Remember how you said that Teddy would never be so romantic as to turn a work trip upstate
15:38into a lover's retreat to the country?
15:40Oh, no.
15:41Oh, yes.
15:42I called him before we left.
15:43He's on his way here now.
15:45Uh, you're welcome.
15:48Jake, I don't want to see Teddy right now.
15:50I'm about to break up with him.
15:52Oh, no.
15:59You're boring.
16:01No, that's too harsh.
16:02This is why I wanted to write it down.
16:05Can I maybe just have two hours alone with my laptop so I can type up a draft?
16:08Great idea.
16:09In the meantime, we can just chat.
16:11You know what?
16:12We should go.
16:13No, actually, I think you should stay.
16:14So we can all talk about the real reason there's a problem in my relationship with
16:18Amy, which is you, Jake.
16:19Uh, what now, huh?
16:21About how you told her that you liked her before you went undercover.
16:24You liked Amy?
16:26Um, I did, but that was many moons ago.
16:30Was it?
16:31Because I know for a fact you also told her when you got back.
16:33And every time you would, she would get confused, and then our relationship would get out of sync.
16:37And if you ask me, I think it's because Amy liked you back.
16:41Did you?
16:43Maybe.
16:45Yes.
16:47A little.
16:48I mean, I was confused, and I really need my laptop right now.
16:54No, you know what?
16:54This is, uh, officially too much for me, so I'm gonna go upstairs and rip the heads off some dolls.
17:00Good night.
17:00I'm gonna leave, too.
17:02If you'd please leave my toothbrush and my home brewing kit at the doorstep, I'll pick them up tomorrow.
17:07Well, I guess that's the last time I invite Teddy on a trip, right?
17:12Drama.
17:17I'm gonna go.
17:18Yeah, me too.
17:23Claire!
17:24If we catch this guy in the next 15 minutes, we can still make the wedding.
17:27So what's your opening line gonna be with Jenny Gildenhorn?
17:29I was thinking I'd go with Jamie Gildenhorn.
17:32You know, make it seem like I haven't been staring at her on the internet for the past 20 years.
17:35Or you could call her by her real name.
17:37Girls like that.
17:38I don't know.
17:39I think girls like being deceived.
17:41No.
17:45Claire.
17:46So, you're really okay with me and Jenny Gildenhorn, huh?
17:49Totally.
17:50Stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that.
17:52I know, but that was before you saw me in this dope-ass tux.
17:55I mean, you must be freaking out.
17:57Oh, I am.
17:58I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.
18:01I know you're making fun of me, but that sexy voice is kind of getting me going.
18:04So, we have good news and we have great news.
18:06The good news is we found the ring. The great news is we'll never lose it again.
18:09What are you trying to say?
18:10The ring is stuck on his finger. I told him not to be cute about it.
18:13I'm cute about everything.
18:14Okay. Okay. What do we do?
18:16I could pull the ring off, but it might hurt your little fingers.
18:19That's fine. I just won't look, so I don't know when you're gonna do it.
18:22Jenny.
18:24No!
18:25No!
18:31How is this song playing?
18:39Hey. Sorry you missed your chance with Jenny Gildenhorn.
18:41That's not a big deal. She's just a girl that I've been obsessed with since I learned what love was.
18:47Well, we got the bad guy today. Thank you for helping me.
18:51And I know it's not Jenny Gildenhorn, but if you wanted to slow dance tonight, I know somebody who'd be
18:56into that.
18:58Okay.
19:00Perfect. This is Gina's great aunt Susan.
19:02Cut.
19:02She's been asking about you all night. She thinks you're very handsome, says you have a dancer's frame.
19:07Well, you have a good eye, m'lady, shall we?
19:11Ah, you.
19:19She's very handsy.
19:20Milo, this is my friend Jake. We're working a case together.
19:23Yeah, and this is my friend Dave. We're friends. I'll have a...
19:26Oh, no. You don't order here. Milo makes you a drink, he knows you'll love, and then you love it.
19:31Really? Interesting.
19:32Barrel-proof bourbon neat, orange soda chaser.
19:36Ah, well, to the first of many hangs.
19:37Yeah, totally. Listen, the reason I brought you here is I want to ask you, what's the deal with Santiago?
19:44Amy?
19:45I don't know. Did you do something weird?
19:46No, no, she's great. I just want to know if there's something going on with you two, you know? Are
19:50you together?
19:51Oh, no.
19:53Cool. When this case is over, I'm going to ask her out.
19:56Oh. You're going to ask out Amy when the case ends. Perfect.
20:03Oh. Yeah, that's a sipping whiskey.
20:07Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Privately?
20:09Uh, sure. Oh, wait. This isn't going to be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from
20:13Holt and it's just that video of screaming sheep.
20:15I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank.
20:19So, what's up?
20:21Okay, um, I almost feel weird saying this, but I wanted to ask you, wow, those pictures are not helping.
20:29Oh, my God. They're really going to have to re-grout.
20:33Ugh, finding a contractor.
20:34You are so consistent.
20:36Anyways, the question I wanted to ask you is...
20:38So, I got the results on that feces. It's human, but it's not all human. You're not Dr. Gassner?
20:44We are not. Can you give us a sec?
20:46Sure. Real quick, what was the other...
20:47It's dog and bear.
20:49Wow. I'd really be into that feces puzzle.
20:52Normally, yes, but I want to talk to you about something else right now. More specifically...
20:57Guys, dispatch just called. Great, Dave's here now.
20:59The check cashing baby's just struck on Flatbush. We gotta go.
21:01Lead the way.
21:04What did you want to tell me?
21:04Oh, um...
21:06Captain Holt sent a very important text.
21:09Oh.
21:14Why'd I have to solve the case?
21:16Why couldn't I have just let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask
21:19out a girl?
21:20You're a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that.
21:22I'm not a good cop. I'm an amazing cop and I'll never forgive myself.
21:25The case is over. Amy and Majors are on their way to the keychain right now.
21:28It's too late.
21:29Has she done the double tuck yet?
21:31Hmm?
21:31When Amy really likes a guy, she gets nervous and tucks her hair behind both ears at the same time.
21:38Well, I can never unsee that. But no, she has not done that yet.
21:42Then there's still time.
21:43What happened?
21:44Well, I thought we were getting a drink to celebrate closing the case, but apparently he thought it was a
21:48date.
21:49Right. And you were not into that because he's so muscular and in command of his finances?
21:53He's great, but after everything that happened with Teddy and all the cops I know who go out and break
21:59up and then still have to work together, it's just too messy.
22:02I got a new rule. I don't date cops.
22:05Cool. Cool, yeah. Actually, that's funny. I have the same rule. No more cops. From this point on, it's strictly
22:11dating criminals.
22:12If you break up with them, you can always send them to jail forever.
22:15Exactly. Nice and clean. So...
22:18Hey, I got an email from the commissioner's office about our case.
22:22What'd they say?
22:23Ah!
22:25Ah! Ah!
22:26You got me with my thing. Great. Oh!
22:36Why is he getting out here? I thought your C.I. said the drop was happening in a park.
22:40Maybe he's having dinner with his side piece first.
22:42Augustine has the laptop with him. We should just arrest him right here.
22:45No. The buyer's the bigger collar. We gotta follow him in and wait for the handoff.
22:48Okay. If you're going in, I've heard this place has an amazing bone marrow custard.
22:53Nothing but ride a bad one. No. All right. Let's go.
22:56No. Wait. We look like cops. We're never gonna blend in dressed like this.
23:01Um... Okay. There. How's that?
23:04Uh... I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.
23:07You look fine. Here. Wear this. Jake, you need a jacket or something.
23:11Table for two, please.
23:12I'm so sorry. There's nothing available. We're totally booked up.
23:16Oh, no. That's horrible. Tonight's a really important night for us.
23:21Johnny and I just got engaged and this is where our first date was.
23:26Oh, yeah. It would mean so much to Dora and me.
23:29I would have made a reservation, but I didn't know if she was gonna say yes.
23:33Oh, I love how nervous you were, you little goose.
23:37You were just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.
23:42Yeah. We are lovers. Together. In beds.
23:47Okay. So, how did you know she was the one?
23:50I'd love to answer that. Um, you know, just whenever I look at her face and the attached physique.
24:01And you?
24:05Uh... He makes me laugh.
24:08And, you know, there's really no one else's opinion who I care about more than her, so...
24:16Okay, so enough chitchat. Let's see the ring.
24:19I don't have it on me.
24:21She has gigantic fingers.
24:27Good luck on your wedding, guys. Oh, have fun on your honeymoon.
24:31We will. We're going to Waco, Texas.
24:35Okay, bye.
24:36Bye.
24:38Look, there's the buyer.
24:41Or maybe he's just actually saying hi to the chef.
24:44Why isn't he making the handoff?
24:45Oh, crap. He saw us.
24:47Uh...
24:51Excuse me.
24:52Oh, hey.
24:54We were just looking for a place to, uh...
24:57Boink.
24:58Yep. Boink.
25:00That's my preferred term for it as well.
25:02Mm-hmm.
25:02I get it.
25:03Really engaged kids.
25:05Enjoy.
25:06Thanks.
25:10Good. Good, good, good, good. Kept our cover intact. Nice work.
25:13Quick professional thinking out there. Very quick. Very professional.
25:15Detective?
25:16Detective.
25:17Okay. Back on the case.
25:20Gosh, you know, I'm actually a little bit hungry.
25:22I never ended up eating at that dumb fancy restaurant.
25:24Know what I'm getting on my way home?
25:26Yeah, you're gonna go to the Polish place and get pierogies, potato pancakes, and a cup of hot chocolate.
25:30That's exactly what I'm gonna get.
25:32Yeah.
25:33I will be having pizza.
25:34Two slices of meat supreme from Tony's.
25:36Served display temperature.
25:38Meat supreme is a million red flags, and eating it cold is just insane.
25:41No, no, no. It's not cold. It's display temperature.
25:44There's a difference, Amy.
25:45No. Jake, he's looking at us.
25:47What the f*** is happening?
25:49Huh?
25:57NYPD, freeze! We are police colleagues!
25:59You're under arrest! This is a work event!
26:01Hey.
26:02Hey.
26:03Thought I might find you in here.
26:04I just needed to process the captain's news.
26:07I feel so bad for him.
26:08So how you holding up?
26:11I don't know. I'm still in shock. You?
26:15I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving.
26:17Just repressing the hell out of it.
26:23So a lot of change around here, huh?
26:37Hey, Jake! The new captain's here!
26:40I know you said you don't want to date cops, but I really like you.
26:45I like you too.
26:46Good.
26:47But what if we start dating and it makes things weird at work?
26:50So let's just keep it light and breezy, see where it goes.
26:54So, here we are. Officially on a date. Romantical date.
27:01Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues. Dating.
27:07You got a haircut. It looks nice.
27:09Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut. At some point in your life, I'm sure.
27:14That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy.
27:16Right.
27:16But, uh, yeah, you look very nice.
27:19Domo arigato.
27:21Do you speak Japanese?
27:22No.
27:23Oh.
27:25Uh, sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward.
27:29Yeah, me too.
27:30How do we make it not weird?
27:33I know. Let's just get super drunk.
27:36Yes, great idea. Pardon me, ma'am.
27:38Could you please bring us four kamikaze shots?
27:40And four for me as well.
27:41Ah, I like your style. See? We can do this.
27:44We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy.
27:49So, we broke a rule.
27:52Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.
27:55Hope it wasn't a mistake. Title of your sex tape.
27:58Title of our sex tape.
28:01So, how was the date with the floozy?
28:03We are not leaving these seats until you give me some deets.
28:07All right, fine. It started off a bit rocky, but it ended up being really fun.
28:13Did you kiss? Did you French?
28:15Boyle, I'm not going to answer that. And no one over the age of 12 says French.
28:19Oh, that's a yes. Oh my God, you had sex.
28:22I could tell because you're glowing.
28:25Jake, no one wants to hear about your sex life.
28:27You just asked me repeatedly.
28:29Because I was rooting for you and Amy.
28:31But now I can see her super serious about this anonymous gym seductress.
28:36I'm so sorry, Amy.
28:37It doesn't matter to me. I would never date Jake. I work with Jake.
28:41I'd love to see you date someone from work. Your head would explode.
28:44Your head would explode. Because of how well I would handle it.
28:49Hmm. Sick burn.
28:50Yeah, I'm trying to find some evidence. I'm just going to look in here.
28:54Another perfect cover. Two for two. Nailed it.
28:56All right, I talked to Dozerman and convinced him to outlaw all personal talk at work.
28:59We're in the clear.
29:00And everyone hates you for that. But this is totally working and no one knows.
29:05I know. It's the best. And you know what? I'm glad we broke the rule and had sex on the
29:08first date.
29:08Me too. Because we're, like, really good at it.
29:11So good, right? Stupid good.
29:13It makes no sense. We're light and breezy. If we want to break rules, break rules.
29:17Like, what's another rule we could break?
29:19No making out at work.
29:20Okay. That's very flattering, Amy. But there are some rules that I shall never rule.
29:25Let's go.
29:26Okay.
29:27You two have been in this evidence locker for...
29:30Hey!
29:30What? Nothing?
29:32Oh!
29:32Nothing. You were just making out with Peralta.
29:35There's that candy bar wrapper I was looking for.
29:37Oh, Santiago, what are you doing here?
29:39So I guess it is hoes before chose with you, friend.
29:43So, everybody knows about us now, which means all the rules have been broken and nothing bad happened.
29:48Nothing bad happened?
29:49Terry yelled at us and we killed our captain.
29:52Jake, is this a bad idea?
29:54Seems like the universe is sending us a lot of signs that we should hit the brakes.
29:58Hasn't exactly been late and breezy.
30:00Yeah, it's been a little more stressful and deathy.
30:03You have to admit, it hasn't started out great.
30:06What do you want to do then? Go back to being colleagues?
30:10Yeah, maybe that's what it needs to be right now.
30:16Okay.
30:17No, no, no, no!
30:18This is not how you and Amy are supposed to end.
30:21You're supposed to grow old and die holding each other as your cruise ship slowly takes on water.
30:25What do you want me to say?
30:26We tried really hard.
30:27We made rules.
30:28We kept it light and breezy.
30:29Light and breezy?
30:31Ow!
30:32Light and breezy is how you describe a linen pantsuit, not a relationship you care about.
30:36We were just being cautious.
30:38Cautious!
30:39Ow!
30:40You guys started this with one foot out the door.
30:42That's what doomed you, not the universe.
30:44That actually makes a lot of sense.
30:46Ow!
30:47I was agreeing with you!
30:48I'm sorry, I'm just so excited about all this!
30:50Alright, so what do I do?
30:52Tell me.
30:53Easy.
30:53You march over there, you tell her how you feel, and you bring a fancy bottle of lavender shampoo,
30:57because shampooing a woman's head is the most erotic thing you could ever possibly-
31:00No, no, no shampoo.
31:01That's the worst.
31:01But I am gonna go over there.
31:03I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
31:04Yeah, you go get her.
31:05No!
31:06Wait till it starts raining.
31:07No, that's crazy.
31:08Go now.
31:09Okay.
31:12Ah!
31:13Sorry!
31:13Sorry.
31:14That's okay.
31:16I was home, and I really wanted to talk to someone about us, and Dozerman, and about
31:21Holt being gone, and then I realized that the only person I want to talk about that stuff
31:25with is you.
31:28So, screw just being colleagues, and screw light and breezy, right?
31:35Definitely.
31:36Listen, guys.
31:36Jake and I were talking last night.
31:38Hill talk alert!
31:39Set the scene.
31:39Spooning or face-to-face?
31:41Charles.
31:41Spooning.
31:42Anyway, we came up with a plan.
31:44Jake is going to befriend the vulture so he lays off of us.
31:48It's true.
31:49I'm gonna bro down with him.
31:50If everything goes according to plan, we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of
31:53the week.
31:54Look, Jake, I know that you and Santiago are trying to take me down.
31:57You guys go home, you lay in bed together, you plot against me.
32:01Well, no longer.
32:02I want you to dump Santiago, and that's an order.
32:04What?
32:05You can't do that.
32:06It's completely against the rules.
32:07Okay, Sonia Sotomayor, I would never break the rules, but what I could do, for totally
32:12unrelated reasons, is have you busted back down to a beat cop.
32:17No.
32:18Don't do that, alright?
32:19I can learn to love nip slips.
32:21No, you either love them or you don't.
32:22It's too late.
32:23You dump Santiago or you kiss that detective badge goodbye.
32:27What?
32:28He's ordering us to break up?
32:30Look, we can deal with this.
32:31We just need a new plan.
32:32I got it.
32:33We lie, tell him we broke up, and then date in the secret.
32:35Great.
32:36And you'd be okay lying to your captain?
32:39Okay, new plan.
32:40Uh-huh.
32:41Captain Holt is here today.
32:42Yes!
32:42Genius!
32:43He loves us, and he's got tons of sway in the department.
32:45He'll tell the vulture to back down.
32:47Yeah, he'll be all, vulture, I must insist that you de-sist.
32:52I really think this is gonna work.
32:54Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that.
32:59Oh.
33:00Okay.
33:00Duly noted.
33:01Super disturbing, but I'm definitely gonna do it.
33:03I know how much you love hot gas, so you probably heard that.
33:06Amy and I have been dating.
33:07And we would love your approval.
33:09No.
33:09But that's not what this is about.
33:11It sure is not, sir.
33:12The vulture is out of control.
33:13All right?
33:14He told me if I don't dump Amy, he's gonna demote me.
33:16You gotta help us.
33:16Let me stop you right there, Peralta.
33:17I'm not the chief of detectives.
33:19I'm not the vulture's boss.
33:20I'm just some guy in PR.
33:22But we thought...
33:23I can't save your ass.
33:24I don't work here anymore.
33:25And the sooner you accept that, the better.
33:29I've got a new plan.
33:30Pretend like we're talking.
33:31We are talking.
33:32Exactly.
33:32It's working already.
33:33Now I'm going to coolly run my hands through my hair.
33:36Look where my elbow's pointing.
33:37It's Davis Garmin.
33:39Chief of detectives.
33:40Holt said he could overrule the vulture.
33:41Exactly.
33:42The only question now is, will he believe us?
33:44Yes.
33:45Because we're gonna take a page from the vulture's book.
33:47The big book of small butts?
33:49What?
33:49It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.
33:50No.
33:51We're gonna secretly record the vulture telling you to dump me.
33:54Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin.
33:56Then...
33:56We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.
33:59You get to keep your job.
34:00Yes, that.
34:02So listen.
34:03Remember when you said to me that I have to dump Santiago
34:06or else you're gonna bust me down to beat cop?
34:08What I remember, Jake, is you pretending to be my bro.
34:11And me being like, I'm on to you, dillweed.
34:17Oh, uh, sorry.
34:18Could you say that one more time?
34:19I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes.
34:24One second.
34:24Excuse me.
34:25Could you stop playing that?
34:26Just trying to have a conversation.
34:28I'm warming up, man.
34:29Sorry.
34:29Yeah, I know.
34:30We just need two minutes.
34:31No can do.
34:32It's a funeral.
34:33It's about to start.
34:34Everyone wants to hear me honk, so...
34:35Do you really need to warm up, though?
34:37I mean, you're just gonna make a terrible wall of sound.
34:39First of all, that's offensive to me as half Scottish.
34:41Second of all, you think you can do better?
34:45Blow my bag.
34:46Look, we just need a couple of minutes to chat.
34:48That's it.
34:48I'm not gonna stop playing until you blow it.
34:50All right, just give it to me.
34:51Yeah.
34:51All right?
34:53Prepare to hear me play the bagpipes perfectly.
34:55Okay.
34:58Oh, my God.
34:59Point proven.
35:00Yeah, I think I've heard just about enough of this cat fight.
35:02I'm out.
35:03Wait.
35:04Captain?
35:05Sir?
35:06Your boyfriend?
35:07Sorry, your ex-boyfriend is pathetic.
35:10You should be glad that I ordered him to dump you.
35:13Swish.
35:14Kobe.
35:18Got it.
35:19Yes!
35:20You're amazing!
35:24Chief Garmin, wait.
35:25I just...
35:26I need to play you one quick recording of my boss.
35:30You recorded me?
35:32That's not cool, Jake.
35:33Well, we were just taking a page out of your book.
35:35Yeah.
35:35What are you gonna do next, huh?
35:36You gonna start wearing leather bracelets?
35:37Good luck pulling off that chunky B with those skinny little girl wrists of yours.
35:41Congratulations.
35:42You're no longer a detective.
35:44You're a beat cop again.
35:46I just crushed your dreams.
35:51I fixed your problem with the Vulture.
35:52Really?
35:53I may just be a guy in PR, but what does the Vulture love more than anything?
35:58Garbage Pail Kids?
35:58No.
36:00Publicity.
36:01Captain Pembroke, how would you like your face on the NYPD website?
36:04Really?
36:05Yes!
36:06Yes!
36:07In exchange for media attention, the Vulture will not bust you down or stand in the way of
36:10you two dating.
36:11Sir, I don't know how to thank you.
36:13Anything.
36:14For the 9-9.
36:15Thank you, sir.
36:17He totally approves of us.
36:19Ames, you're two minutes late.
36:21I called all the emergency rooms.
36:22I know.
36:23I went home from your place to shower and I'm so tired that I fell asleep while shaving
36:26my legs.
36:27But we went to bed so early.
36:28Property Brothers was over at 10.
36:29I mean, sex.
36:31We do it.
36:33She's tired from all the doing it.
36:34Who are you talking to?
36:35Precinct.
36:36Come on, man.
36:37Yeah.
36:37No, I was up all night because your dumb lumpy mattress is so uncomfortable.
36:40What?
36:41But I gave you the good lump.
36:42Ugh, please stop talking until I finish eating my coffee.
36:45All right.
36:45Ooh, a lover's quarrel.
36:48No, I'm just tired.
36:50I didn't ask for part two.
36:51Never fear, Amy, for I have the solution to all of your problems.
36:54Highly potent liquid speed.
36:56Oh, you're gonna love that stuff.
36:57Devon, we're cops.
36:58Read the room.
36:59But I know you'll be excited because I busted Devon here with four vials of this.
37:02It's called Taxi because it's yellow and it takes you where you need to be.
37:06Drug dealers have gotten so creative.
37:08It used to just be crack and then they'd be like, hey, we've got this.
37:10We've got a new one.
37:11What are we gonna call this?
37:12And they'd go, I don't know, crank?
37:13This is certainly worth following me up on.
37:16Santiago, take Boyle and work the case.
37:17Oh, but Jake, I mean, Detective Peralta brought in the perp, so...
37:21Good point.
37:23Peralta and Boyle can work the case.
37:24Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
37:28Oh, are you two no longer...
37:29Smooshing booties.
37:31Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
37:33Figured.
37:33We are still dating.
37:35It's all above board.
37:36HR gets daily updates and RBCC'd on all our emails to each other.
37:39That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me.
37:41As a rule, I don't put couples in the field together.
37:45But you are two of my best detectives, so I will allow it.
37:49Just don't let any personal issues distract you from your work.
37:51You have nothing to worry about.
37:52There's no personal issues here.
37:53We've never even had a fight.
37:54It's true.
37:55Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shorts was.
37:58Really?
38:01Never heard of the Puzzle Master.
38:04Is this who you want to be with?
38:07I shouldn't get involved.
38:08Good luck with the case.
38:11So, I marked all the corners where Taxi has been spotted on this map.
38:14You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob.
38:17This looks great.
38:18It confirms Devin's story.
38:19He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob.
38:22He said he'll point him out to us, so you approach on foot from the south,
38:25and me and Devin will be in an unmarked car here.
38:27Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
38:29Me and Devin?
38:31Didn't you mean Devin and I?
38:33Oh, God.
38:34I corrected your grammar!
38:35Are you so proud of me?
38:36Are you horrified?
38:37Are you super horny?
38:38I'm just really tired.
38:39Leave me alone.
38:40Don't you mean leave I alone?
38:42No, that one felt wrong.
38:43I guess we're equally bad at grammar.
38:44I'm not bad at grammar.
38:46I'm exhausted because you refused to get a new mattress.
38:48All right, why don't you just get a new back?
38:51I didn't mean that.
38:52We're not fighting.
38:54We can totally work together.
38:55We're fine.
38:55Yeah, that wasn't a fight.
38:57That was just sexy workplace banter.
39:00Exactly.
39:00I mean, mattresses are also sexy because that's where you do it.
39:03Yeah, and grammar is a system of language involving syntax and semantics.
39:07Also sexy.
39:10Okay, okay.
39:11Mattresses are expensive, but they're an investment.
39:13It's gonna be in your life for a long time.
39:15True, but it's also still just a mattress, you know?
39:18It's a lot of money to spend on a rectangle that's filled with springs and goose hair.
39:22You know it's feathers.
39:23I didn't.
39:23And it would be money well spent because it would allow me to actually sleep in your bed.
39:27But I already have a mattress.
39:29It just doesn't seem worth it.
39:30Okay.
39:31Well, to me, it sounds like you're saying I'm not worth it.
39:34So, I'm gonna go sleep in my grown-up mattress that I bought this century and you're not invited.
39:41Morning.
39:43You look well rested.
39:44Yes.
39:45Because I slept in my own bed.
39:47I was tossing and turning.
39:49Jake told me about your fight and I'm so worried about you two.
39:51Thank you, Charles.
39:52What do I have to do?
39:53Buy the mattress myself?
39:55Done.
39:56No.
39:56Problem solved.
39:56It would make him so happy.
39:58Proud to have a seat.
39:59I believe this might help.
40:01When Kevin and I first started dating, he taught at a small college upstate.
40:05It was two hours away by train or bus, but only 30 minutes by car.
40:09Is this another one of your riddles?
40:10You rode to work on his shoulders one set of footprints.
40:13No?
40:14No.
40:15Okay.
40:16Neither of us owned a car and I didn't want to buy one because that would mean admitting that I
40:19cared for Kevin.
40:20He had the same fear and so visits were rare and I was miserable.
40:24Then one spring day, Kevin showed up at my door having purchased Gertie.
40:29He took the leap and I'm so grateful that he did.
40:32I only regret that I didn't do it first.
40:35Do you understand?
40:37Absolutely.
40:39One hundred percent.
40:40The train is your old mattress.
40:41Yeah.
40:42The car is your new mattress.
40:43I got it.
40:43Kevin is you.
40:44I'm Santiago.
40:44Loud and clear.
40:45One hundred percent.
40:47Amy Santiago, I want to change mattresses for you.
40:52That's the best thing I've ever heard.
40:54I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.
40:55I think I was just scared that you were going to realize you're way better than me.
41:01Like, you're Orangina and I'm orange soda.
41:03Are you kidding?
41:05You're Orangina?
41:06Ugh.
41:07Don't say that.
41:08Look.
41:09I was scared too.
41:11I'm going to call my mom tonight.
41:15Okay.
41:17Cruise itinerary is hot off the laminator.
41:19Who's ready for some nonstop totally scheduled fun?
41:22Oh.
41:23I actually thought we could just sit by the pool, eat unlimited shrimp and see what it does
41:27to our bodies.
41:28That's cute.
41:29I don't know if there's going to be time though.
41:31The cruise offers 77 activities and I signed us up for 76 of them.
41:35Speed dating for widows seemed like a bummer.
41:37Okay.
41:37So, slightly different perspectives going into this cruise.
41:40Call it the slug life talking but I think it's going to work itself out.
41:43Goodbye co-workers or as they like to say at sea.
41:48I brought you here because I'm in peril.
41:50Peril?
41:50Don't put my peril.
41:52Somebody's trying to kill me and I need protection.
41:54So I sent for my best friend.
41:55I am not your best friend.
41:57I'm your worst enemy.
41:58Get that through your head.
41:59It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.
42:01Whatever Judy.
42:02You're under arrest.
42:03You can't arrest me boo.
42:05We're in international waters.
42:06Which is also why I can smoke as much weed as I want.
42:09Welcome to the high seas.
42:11No.
42:12No way that that's true.
42:13Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
42:14Judy's right.
42:15We have no jurisdiction.
42:16Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
42:18Uh oh.
42:19Your girl knows about the Uzbeks.
42:22Oh.
42:23But the captain can have him arrested.
42:25He has total authority on this boat.
42:26Perfect.
42:27I just need him locked up till we get back to New York.
42:29Can't you just throw him in boat jail?
42:31It's called the brig.
42:32He is my best lounge singer and I need to keep people distracted.
42:36Just between us we're nearly out of ranch dressing.
42:38On day one?
42:39These people are animals.
42:41I got five down.
42:43I figured out the theme.
42:44It's boats.
42:45Okay.
42:45I get it.
42:47She's smart and lovable.
42:48You're scrappy and lovable.
42:50Together you're just lovable and lovable.
42:52Okay.
42:52Thank God you were there for all time.
42:54I know you wouldn't let your best friend die.
42:55I'm still going to arrest you.
42:56I just can't do that if you're dead.
42:58Whatever you gotta tell yourself.
42:59Baby steps.
43:00It's hard getting him out of his shell.
43:02Tell me about it.
43:04Every time we get emotional he's like nice.
43:06Smart.
43:06Okay.
43:07Can we focus up here?
43:08If you like pina coladas.
43:11And getting caught in the rain.
43:15You two are looking good.
43:17Really?
43:17I kind of feel like I'm Jimmy Buffett's tennis coach.
43:20No.
43:21It's working.
43:21You know I had a major crush on Magnum P.I.
43:24Major.
43:24Oh.
43:25Should I grow a mustache?
43:26Yeah.
43:27You should.
43:29Thank you for doing this.
43:31I love you.
43:34Nice.
43:35Smart.
43:36You're...
43:40I love you too.
43:47Also I think this is definitely a dance class for widows.
43:51No.
43:52I don't think so.
43:53No?
43:53Now turn to your partner and tell them how your spouse died.
43:57Yeah we should get out of here.
43:58Are you sure?
43:58Yes.
43:59Okay.
43:59What's this case?
44:00Oh this isn't work.
44:02It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting.
44:04It's very thorough.
44:06Just relax.
44:06She's gonna love you.
44:07You're both strong accomplished women that have seen me naked.
44:10I used to be so good at meeting grown ups.
44:13I'd just sing itsy bitsy spider flawlessly and ride that wave till bath time.
44:17But now it's anybody's guess.
44:20Alright what I am about to say will make you very horny.
44:22But you have to try and remember that we're still at work.
44:25Do you want me to quiz you?
44:26Oh god yes.
44:28Wow.
44:29Okay great.
44:29Thanks for bringing Roger back.
44:31You're very welcome.
44:32Hey by the way.
44:33Amy was really nervous to meet you.
44:35So don't judge her too harshly for all the weird singing.
44:37Oh no.
44:38I'm dating my son of a bitch ex-husband.
44:40Who am I to judge?
44:43I think she's really great.
44:46I think you're really great too.
44:48She's very good at lip reading.
44:50I wouldn't say I'm very good.
44:52I mean deaf people.
44:53They're the real talents.
44:55I just can't stop.
44:57I'll let you guys talk.
44:58I'll just close my eyes.
45:00The Holt hasn't seen Kevin in like months.
45:03And I was just thinking if that was me and you it would make me really sad.
45:08Oh.
45:09That's actually super sweet.
45:11Plus there's this big fat binder full of instructions and rules.
45:15There's a binder?
45:16Why didn't you lead with that you idiot?
45:20How about I just leave you two alone?
45:21Okay.
45:22We'll start south of Nevins.
45:24You two start a bond and we'll rendezvous in the middle.
45:26Assuming of course Boyle and I haven't already caught all the fugitives by the time you two show up.
45:30Amy there are nine hardened criminals running free in the streets.
45:33This is hardly the time for childish trash talk.
45:35It's time for a bet.
45:36A crazy ass bet.
45:38What are you thinking?
45:38Whoever catches the most fugitives gets to keep their apartment.
45:41Loser moves in with the winner.
45:42All right.
45:42I'm in.
45:43I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a thousand pillows.
45:46Well I hope you like sharing my one gray towel.
45:50Was it gray when you bought it?
45:51I didn't buy it.
45:52It was in the apartment when I moved in.
45:53Are you sure you don't want to just move in with me?
45:55We already shook on it.
45:56The bet stands.
45:56Prepare to die and by die.
45:57I mean move in with me.
45:58Here we go.
46:01NYPD freeze!
46:02NYPD keep your hands where we can see them.
46:05You have the right.
46:06Remains silent.
46:06Anything you say to me is against you in a court of law.
46:09You have the right to an attorney.
46:10If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed before you.
46:12Why did you stop?
46:13I'm done.
46:14You win.
46:15What?
46:16I love you.
46:16I want to move into your apartment.
46:18Really?
46:19I love you too.
46:21Oh my god.
46:21What a beautiful moment.
46:22And you guys, Amy's ovulating as we speak.
46:25What?
46:25Charles!
46:26All right head to the back.
46:27You're going to jail.
46:31Hey.
46:32I don't get it.
46:33Why did you decide to let me win?
46:35I don't know.
46:36When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rites, I just looked over at you and
46:39thought, you're awesome.
46:41And you're good at doing things.
46:43I mean sure, I'll miss towel.
46:45But your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
46:51Are you sure about this?
46:53Oh yeah.
46:53Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable.
46:56You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer?
46:58Smells like home.
46:59Oh.
46:59He's lying, Amy.
47:00His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
47:02Come on, Terry.
47:03We were in a sewer.
47:04He's gunsta think about the turtles.
47:05Yeah, I'm gunsta, Terry.
47:07Quit being such a Malfoy.
47:08Yeah, Terry.
47:09Why is Amy's hair like that?
47:10Oh.
47:10She obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous.
47:12And she's super nervous because she's taking the sergeant's exam today.
47:15But Amy loves tests.
47:16Not this one.
47:17It's always been her plan to be the youngest captain in the history of the NYPD.
47:20But if she doesn't pass this exam, she's going to have to wait another three years
47:22to take it again.
47:23And that'll disrupt her entire life calendar.
47:25Is that a real thing?
47:26It hangs over our bed.
47:27So she's stress-breeding.
47:28Big deal.
47:28That's like a one on the Santiago panic scale.
47:30Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two.
47:32Creepily singing songs from the Great American Songbook.
47:35You're a grand old flag.
47:38You're a high-flying flag.
47:41So, yeah, it's a little tough right now.
47:42But I think the worst is behind us.
47:44Why are you taking so long to cook my frickin' oatmeal?!
47:59There you are.
48:00Thank God.
48:01Hey.
48:02How'd you find me?
48:03January 14th, 2014.
48:05Detectives Peralta and Santiago conducted surveillance from a rooftop at 397 Barton Street.
48:10This is where we came the night I won our bet and you fell in love with me.
48:15Jake.
48:15The night that you flirted with me for 20 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever.
48:19Ready?
48:24I'm sorry I freaked out and ran away.
48:27Things are so good right now.
48:28I don't want to screw that up by getting transferred or becoming your boss.
48:33Ames, I've always known you were gonna be my boss.
48:36I mean, this is your dream from before we were dating.
48:38And yeah, things might change a little, but for the better, right?
48:41You can finally get premium cable, check out all those shows on Epix.
48:46Look, you can't be afraid to be successful, you're too good for that.
48:50I love you.
48:51Love you too.
48:53What else?
48:54Oh, you're never gonna believe this, I've been reading.
48:57Reading?
48:57Like books?
48:58By real authors?
48:59I don't know, is Philip Roth a real author?
49:02Oh, my goodness.
49:04I wish you had gone to prison years ago.
49:06I'm kidding.
49:07Obviously, I'm not more attracted to you now than before.
49:11So what else have you been reading?
49:13Oh, hang on one sec.
49:15Hey, boss, what's up?
49:16I saw you get Wilson fired.
49:17Nice work.
49:19Welcome aboard.
49:20I promise you, you won't regret it.
49:23Nope.
49:25Just one more thing.
49:26I know you used to be a cop.
49:29If you screw me over, I will cut your testicles off and watch you bleed to death in the dirt.
49:34You got that?
49:36Can I trust you?
49:38Yeah.
49:39I got nothing to hide.
49:41I'm your beef baby.
49:50Hey, sorry about that.
49:52Where were we?
49:53Jake, that sounded really bad.
49:54Is everything okay?
49:55Yeah, everything's fine.
49:58I'm talking to you.
50:00That was your first stint in solitary.
50:02It was nothing.
50:03I held it together.
50:04Oh.
50:06Amy, when did you get here?
50:08You've come for my conjugal capabilities.
50:12You're looking real good, girl.
50:15Whoop.
50:16Lost a boobie.
50:17No matter.
50:18I'll just build another one.
50:20More mashed potatoes!
50:23Some of you have asked me what got me through prison.
50:26Was it my family?
50:27Don't be stupid.
50:28Was it knowing that my friends would eventually get me out?
50:31Of course not.
50:31I never believed in any of you.
50:33No, the only thing that kept me sane was planning for the Halloween heist those many years
50:37doing hard time.
50:38It was eight weeks.
50:39I also went to prison, dog.
50:40We're getting off track here.
50:41One of the handmaids, I'm assuming Fake Charles, took my safe and then, of Amy, deposited a lookalike.
50:48What did you give Fake Charles so he'd help you?
50:50Nothing.
50:51In fact, he gave me something.
50:52The power of financial freedom.
50:54I invested in a pyramid scheme.
50:55It's no time to go into it right now.
50:56Okay.
50:58So, while we all tried to figure out who had the real key, Fake Charles broke into the safe,
51:02removed the tracker, and let Terry and the whole squad on a wild goose chase.
51:05My only question is, which box is the belt in?
51:08Well, good luck figuring it out because the clock is tick-tick-tocking.
51:13It's that one.
51:13No!
51:14The dust pattern on top doesn't match its neighbors.
51:16You see, Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you.
51:19You've lost the ability to surprise me.
51:21You're just plain boring.
51:23Again, weird take on our very loving relationship.
51:26And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human slash genius.
51:30Yeah.
51:33Although, you might want to read the inscription on that there belt.
51:36Why?
51:37Oh, no.
51:38What does it say?
51:39Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
51:44Surprise.
51:46I'm so confused.
51:47I don't know what's happening right now.
51:49I'm so confused, I don't know what's happening right now.
51:50Title your sex tape.
51:51Oh, my God, I'm shaking.
51:53I'm definitely gonna cry.
51:55Title of your sex tape.
51:56Wait, is this really happening?
51:58Is this part of the heist?
51:59If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.
52:01No, please, Ames.
52:02Look, it's really happening, okay?
52:04It's not part of the heist, I promise.
52:05This is real.
52:06It is?
52:07Yeah.
52:09Okay, here goes.
52:12Ames, I love you.
52:14I love how smart you are.
52:16I love how beautiful you are.
52:18I love your face, and I love your butt.
52:20I should have written this down first.
52:21No, no, it's okay.
52:22Go on.
52:23I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.
52:26I like the second one.
52:27You don't have to.
52:28Okay.
52:28Yeah.
52:29You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know.
52:33And the best detective.
52:38Also, for reals, I love your butt.
52:40I love yours, too.
52:41Gross.
52:43Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
52:47Jake Peralta, I will marry you.
52:59I love you so much.
53:00Hey, jerkos.
53:02This little tramp escapes, so that ought to teach.
53:05Did you just?
53:06Mm-hmm.
53:07And did you say?
53:08Mm-hmm.
53:13To Jake and Amy.
53:14To Jake and Amy!
53:16Great stuff, great stuff.
53:17So, since Peralta altered the cummerbund, no one really won the heist this year.
53:21Is that what everyone's thinking?
53:22Captain.
53:23Right, right.
53:23Sorry, not the time.
53:24I'm so happy for you both.
53:26Technically, there was no winner.
53:27Continue.
53:27Hey, Gina just texted me.
53:28She said, weird.
53:29I didn't even realize they were dating.
53:31JK, so happy for you bitches.
53:33Hmm.
53:34So, Jake, tell us everything.
53:36Did you call Amy Statt first?
53:37I actually did.
53:38Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me.
53:42But, since it's 2017, I am not asking for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she
53:47be mine if she chooses to say yes.
53:49She's a strong, independent woman, and she don't need no man.
53:51That being said, I truly hope she says yes.
53:53But it's her decision, so just back off!
53:55Aw, that was perfect.
53:57What did he say?
53:57I have no idea.
53:58I left a voicemail.
53:59I'm terrified of him.
54:00Not to talk out of turn, but I think I get credit for giving Jake the idea to propose.
54:05How's that?
54:05Remember?
54:06A day in the kitchen.
54:07So, what I'm saying is, vanilla yogurt is good, but pair it with a blueberry yogurt, and both of them
54:13taste even better.
54:15Get it?
54:17Yes.
54:17I did not get it.
54:18But speaking of yogurt, you've eaten six GPS devices this week.
54:21You should definitely see a doctor.
54:23What?
54:23Look, Sarge, I think everyone knows that I planted the idea in Jake's head eight years ago.
54:29Oh, hi.
54:30I'm starting today.
54:31Detective Santiago.
54:32Oh.
54:33Detective Peralta.
54:34Welcome aboard.
54:35I'm hearing wedding bells.
54:38Hi, Detective Boyle.
54:40That actually really slowed things down.
54:41It took like four years for me to forget that memory.
54:43Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy.
54:44Look, no one gave me the idea.
54:46I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
54:51There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.
54:56I don't get it.
54:57Seems pretty normal.
54:58I don't know what to tell you.
54:59That's just what I knew.
55:01Romantic epiphanies are dope.
55:02Thank you, Rosa.
55:03They are dope.
55:03Yes.
55:04Dope.
55:05Congratulations.
55:05I'm so happy you two are getting married.
55:07We're getting married.
55:08We're getting married.
55:09And no one won the heist.
55:11Aw!
55:12Get over it, you jack!
55:14Yeah, you jack!
55:15Yeah, you jack!
55:35Please be seated.
55:39Friends, colleagues, gawking New Yorkers,
55:44we are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta
55:47and Amy Santiago.
55:49I've known you both for the last five years,
55:50and it has been a true pleasure
55:53to watch your distracting, childish rivalry
55:55evolve into a distracting, childish courtship,
55:58and now into what I'm sure will be
56:00a distracting, childish marriage.
56:02I'm proud of you.
56:04And I love you both.
56:06Permission to say it back?
56:07Permission granted.
56:08Love you too, sir.
56:09Love you, Captain.
56:10Now, I believe you've prepared your own battles.
56:13Yes.
56:14I was going to do an Addams Family-themed rap,
56:18but my beatboxer isn't here.
56:19That's the only reason it's not happening.
56:21So, Ames, today has been a crazy day,
56:27but I shouldn't be surprised,
56:29because we've had a lot of crazy days.
56:33There was our first date,
56:35our first kiss,
56:37the first time you told me you loved me,
56:39and the day you told me you would marry me.
56:43Also, yesterday,
56:44and the day before that,
56:46and the day before that,
56:48because every single day
56:50that I get to be with someone as amazing as you
56:51is crazy to me.
56:53I love you,
56:55and I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends.
56:59That's the end.
57:02Okay, well,
57:04I've been planning this wedding for the last six months,
57:06and if you told me yesterday
57:07everything that was going to go wrong,
57:10I would have had a panic attack
57:11that sent me into the ER.
57:13But I'm here,
57:15and I've never been happier.
57:18Life is unpredictable.
57:21Not everything's in our control,
57:22but as long as you're with the right people,
57:24you can handle anything.
57:26And you, Jake Peralta,
57:28are the right person for me.
57:31But I do have some bad news.
57:33There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
57:35What?
57:36Your butt.
57:37Your butt is the bomb.
57:38There will be no survivors.
57:43I love you so much.
57:45You're my dream girl.
57:46I love you, too.
57:48I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
57:52Ring bearer, please bring the rings.
57:54But I thought Cheddar was sick.
57:56Oh, my God.
57:57You got the robot.
57:59There's a robot at my wedding.
58:00Yeah, I felt bad about how everything went down today,
58:02so I offered to help.
58:04Oh, that's nice.
58:04Also, are you guys doing the thing
58:05where someone gets to object to this union,
58:07or is that later?
58:08We're not doing that.
58:09You've outsmarted me.
58:10Congratulations.
58:11Okay, moving on.
58:13Do you, Amy Santiago,
58:15take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
58:17I do.
58:19And do you, Jake Peralta,
58:22take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
58:24I absolutely do.
58:28By the power vested in me by the state of New York,
58:31I'd like to announce
58:32that your honeymoon vacation request status
58:34has officially been moved from pending to approved.
58:39You're married.
58:40You may kiss the bride.
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