- 5 days ago
Best Foods Comedy Gala NZ - Season Episode 2 - Part 2
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00:08I
00:28All right, welcome to the stage, your host, it's Di Henwell!
00:44Oh, welcome back to the 2026 Best Foods Comedy Gala.
00:48We have an amazing line-up, and myself, and me, and me, okay?
00:58And you know what life's about?
01:01Life's about making memories.
01:03Life's about making memories.
01:05And do you know how to make memories?
01:06Take kids who haven't seen the snow to the snow.
01:10That's what I wanted to do.
01:12My kids had never seen the snow.
01:14Where's the closest mountain?
01:16Owakune.
01:17You know?
01:18So I thought, bundle of kids up early.
01:20Drive down there.
01:21It's only three and a half hours.
01:23Six hours later.
01:27We get to Owakune.
01:30And the mountains shut.
01:33And let me tell you.
01:34When kids have their hearts set on seeing snow, tobogganing, and skiing,
01:40the Putaruru Timber Museum does not quite cut the mustard.
01:51Now, I am, um, I've resided for almost 50 years in the mighty Avondale.
01:58And my Avondale peeps, my West Auckland peeps.
02:00I love the suburb.
02:02I champion the suburb.
02:04So it's telling a story, right?
02:05Avondale, it wasn't always as it is.
02:07Used to be all, um, kiwifruit farms, right?
02:10And the kiwifruit we know and love came as the Chinese gooseberry,
02:13was propagated in Avondale to the kiwifruit.
02:16And it's all beautiful kiwifruit farms.
02:18And it was lovely and lush.
02:19And then it became a point in history where we pivoted to meth.
02:24And...
02:24LAUGHTER
02:26I told this on stage.
02:27And the next day, a woman came up to me who was in the gig
02:30at my local cafe, and she says,
02:33I'm quite a concerned member of the community.
02:37And, um, I heard you talking about Matthews in Avondale,
02:40and that's not constructive for the community.
02:44OK?
02:44It's just, um, that sort of thing doesn't necessarily go on
02:48in the community, OK?
02:50And I said, no, I understand, babes, but, uh, what about that guy?
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Turns around across the road,
02:59six-and-a-half-foot guy,
03:01dressed in a five-foot man's Michael Jackson costume,
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06whipping a bus stop with a bike chain.
03:13I was just...
03:14He had a few too many kiwifruits, babes.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19You know, you don't know.
03:22Hey, well, we're in for a cracking second half,
03:25ladies and gentlemen.
03:26He was a hit at the festival last year,
03:28all the way from Scotland.
03:30Give it up for Roscoe McClellan!
03:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:44Yes, mate!
03:45Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
03:46How you doing? Are you good, yeah?
03:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:49Lovely to be back here, you know?
03:52I was here last year, I loved it,
03:53so thanks for having me back.
03:54Good to see you, especially in Auckland,
03:56the road warms are still going well.
03:58That's, uh...
03:59Boy, you love working on a road around here, eh?
04:03Good, like an old friend, man.
04:05I nearly didn't make it here,
04:06I nearly didn't make it here.
04:07I don't know if you've heard, uh,
04:09flights being cancelled,
04:10the world's going about crazy, eh?
04:11Do you know? Eh?
04:13Dangerous times.
04:14Are you all looking forward to World War III?
04:16You into that?
04:18Yeah, right.
04:19I don't know if I'm going yet or not.
04:20I'm not...
04:22I'm not sure.
04:22I'm gonna wait and see who else is going before I commit.
04:25Do you know? That's a...
04:26That's a game.
04:27Cos you don't want it to be a letdown, do you?
04:29You know, you want it to be, like, good,
04:30like a Firefest thing, do you know?
04:32Cos World War III, that's...
04:34That's got a lot to live up to, eh?
04:36Cos... Cos World War I and II, they were good, eh?
04:39They were...
04:39You know, like, World War II,
04:40one of the rare times where a sequel is better than the original.
04:43That's hard, man.
04:46So, to wrap it up in a trilogy, you know,
04:48Germany wins in the end.
04:49How they doing that?
04:50I don't know.
04:50He's back!
04:51Christ, he's back, man.
04:53I don't know.
04:55I don't know.
04:56Like, I'm 37 now, right, do you know?
04:59Like, I don't know.
04:59I'll go see if they've got age categories for the fight,
05:02and then I'll go, do you know?
05:04Like, if I can fight in the over-30s, then I'll go.
05:06If I can fight some other sad man whose hip clicks when he gets out of bed,
05:10then I'll go.
05:12You know, and the last thing I want to do is bleed out in a trench in Gallipoli
05:16while some teenager fortnight dances over my body, man.
05:21Blows big clouds of blueberry blast vape juice into my face
05:23and screams six, seven at me when, like, TikTok livestreams me.
05:27I'm gurgling to death.
05:30It's not for me, man.
05:32But this is so cool, man.
05:34This is so cool to come and do this.
05:36Like, this is my job now, do you know?
05:38And I'm aware it's not a real job.
05:39Like, you've all got real jobs.
05:41Like, this is me.
05:41And I used to have a real job, bro.
05:42I used to be a plumber.
05:45Yeah.
05:46And then one day I woke up and thought,
05:48do you know what?
05:48I'm sick of making money.
05:51Let's...
05:54Let's get a career in the arse.
05:57And here I am.
05:58Yeah.
06:00I could be in Scotland with eight toilets,
06:02living the dream, but here I am.
06:04I couldn't go back, though.
06:05I couldn't go back to doing a regular job.
06:07Do you know what I mean?
06:08Like, I love doing this, but always...
06:09I was always bad at job interviews.
06:11You know, like, I was terrible.
06:13I'd always go in and I'd ruin it
06:14because I'd always have a wee funny thing to say.
06:16Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:19Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
06:21And he'd hate me.
06:22And I always hated the questions that they ask you.
06:24I always ask you...
06:25They ask you that one, they go,
06:26Oh, erm...
06:27What would you say is your biggest weakness?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Because I just think,
06:32Well, why would I tell you that?
06:34Do you know...
06:35Do you not know I'm here to lie?
06:36To get the job?
06:37Is that not what's happening?
06:38Then you have to play the game, don't you, brother?
06:40And you go,
06:40Oh, well, maybe I'm just sometimes too much of a perfectionist.
06:44Oh...
06:46Oh, that's great.
06:47Oh, right, that.
06:48You want to hear my real weaknesses, do you?
06:50You want to hear my actual weaknesses?
06:51Alright, here's one.
06:52I'm not 100% sure I've ever fully managed to dry myself with a towel.
06:57There you go.
07:00I rub myself down.
07:01Ten minutes later, I pull my jeans up.
07:03The back of my leg is soaking wet.
07:05Why?
07:07When should I expect to hear from you, time zone, you know?
07:1237 as well.
07:14Terrible age to be late 30s.
07:15My body's falling apart.
07:17My knee hurts.
07:18My hip hurts.
07:19Sometimes I wake up and my ears really soared, you know?
07:22And I'm like,
07:22Oh, I guess I gently rested my head in that soft pillow too hard last night, huh?
07:28Silly me, man.
07:30And my ears have changed.
07:31I'm getting hairs coming out of them that are like guitar strings, you know?
07:34I can do dueling banjos on my ears.
07:36It's horrible, man.
07:37And here's another thing.
07:38Just to finish it.
07:39Here's another...
07:40How come when you're cleaning your ear out with like a cotton bud, there's a wee bit in there when
07:43you touch it, it's like,
07:44Oh, I'm gonna cum.
07:45Why's that in there?
07:49Who put that...
07:50That...
07:51That's a mistake, isn't it?
07:52No!
07:54People are out here looking for the g-sport.
07:56I found the e-sport brothers right in there.
08:00Guys, yous have been so lovely.
08:01Thank you very much.
08:02I've been Roscoe McClellan.
08:03Cheers.
08:05Please give it up and welcome to the stage, the wonderful Lou Wall.
08:13Hello, what's up?
08:15My name is Lou, and tonight I will be doing a PowerPoint presentation about the best thing to ever happen
08:20to me on the internet.
08:23All you need to know for context is that I broke my toe, and then to deal with that extreme
08:28pain, I had about two bottles of red wine.
08:32And then I took a picture of that broken toe, and I thought it would be a good idea to
08:36post that picture as my profile picture on the dating apps.
08:41And I live in a very small country town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in Australia.
08:46So the key piece of information that you also need to know is that I set my radius to 800
08:51kilometers.
08:53DJ hit the track.
08:56So as you can see, I went pretty viral.
08:59I got over a hundred mattress in about three minutes.
09:03And I was like, oh my God, I have hot toes.
09:07And naturally, I'm a businesswoman, right?
09:10So I'm like, we gotta monetize this.
09:11So I Google Lou Wall WikiFeet, and I find that my feet have their own fan page.
09:16And I was like, who's making this?
09:18Like, I want to make my own money.
09:19So I tweet, just wondering who made my WikiFeet page.
09:22Please get in touch.
09:23And a man got in touch, and this is our love story.
09:28Okay, what do you want to know?
09:31I admit our WikiFeeted the pictures of your feet and toes.
09:35Oh my fucking God.
09:36But you know it's legal, not copyright to repost.
09:39Also, I was wondering if you took requests.
09:43Yes, I'm afraid not.
09:44Don't be afraid.
09:45There is nothing to be scared of.
09:48I actually have lots of WikiFeet logins in it.
09:50Given your feet many, many, many stars.
09:53You should seriously consider part-time modelling.
09:56Especially with your legs.
10:00Legs and toes, legs and toes.
10:03I said legs and toes.
10:04What about ankles?
10:06Also those, but mainly legs and toes.
10:09I said, look, I appreciate you enjoying my feet.
10:11But could you stop reposting the pictures?
10:12That would be great.
10:13I know I can't legally stop you.
10:14So I just thought I would ask nicely.
10:16He goes, you can't stop me.
10:18That's just one.
10:19You won't stop me.
10:20You won't stop me, no.
10:23But I might stop posting pics of my feet.
10:25He goes, no.
10:26No.
10:27Please.
10:27I'm not rich rich.
10:29But I will pay for suckable fuckable finger toes.
10:33This makes me a rich bitch.
10:35I don't oppose.
10:36I got them suckable fuckable motherfuckers finger toes.
10:41I'm two feet out of my depth.
10:43But I'm ready to pose.
10:45I got them suckable fuckable.
10:47I got them suckable fuckable.
10:48I got them suckable fuckable.
10:49OK, this is how it's gonna work.
10:51I will send you pics.
10:52You pay me first.
10:53Here's my PayPal.
10:55Include your deets.
10:55Send a request.
10:56Include receipts.
10:58You're a goddess.
10:59Those archers.
11:00Here's $50 for your feet.
11:01In gross.
11:02Like lawn?
11:03Yes.
11:03OK.
11:03Oh my fucking god.
11:05You actually paid.
11:07I said, thanks for your transaction.
11:09Have we transferred you the links?
11:10He goes, thank you.
11:11Thank you, goddess Louisa.
11:12Beautiful toes.
11:13Do they stink?
11:14Sometimes.
11:15OK, I'm happy with that.
11:16Here's $100 for you to crush a waffle.
11:19I said, like, with my feet.
11:20Yes, Louisa.
11:21Waffle that you eat.
11:23Fuck, I'm hot.
11:25No peanut butter.
11:26Like on my toes.
11:28Yes, video.
11:30Really get into it, yeah.
11:32Don't be afraid to make mess.
11:34So I highball on like $500.
11:37I go in debt.
11:38I'm getting rich.
11:40I'm getting rich.
11:40Missing out.
11:41Don't a fuck.
11:42I get them suckable, fuckable motherfuckin'.
11:45That bigotons.
11:47I'm really sorry for this video.
11:50I'm not them suckable, fuckable.
11:55Hey.
11:56How you going?
11:56Been thinking about rubbing my hard dick on your foot.
12:00How about a natural nail?
12:01I'm like, thumbs up.
12:02Sounds good.
12:03I don't want to see polish or nylons of movement.
12:05Stay still.
12:06Maybe tease me with your sock.
12:07Can do.
12:08Waiting on transfer scent.
12:09Please make good.
12:10I send a lot.
12:11And so, I send him a sock strip tease.
12:26And that motherfucker sends me $2,500.
12:39Bigotons.
12:40I'm two feet out of my depth.
12:42But I'm ready to pose.
12:44Sing it!
12:48Soakabu, kakabu, finger tight
13:01In your ears in the morning and before your eyes at night
13:06It's Hayley Sprayle!
13:15Gouda, gouda, gouda! Child-free people make some noise!
13:20Hell yeah, hell yeah, me too, by choice.
13:23And in fact I was born that way, so it's been pretty sick, I gotta tell ya.
13:27Now despite that, I will say my boobs have pecked a real sad man, I tell ya.
13:30They used to be really proud, look you right in the eye.
13:34Now I don't know what they're looking for, like, ciggy butts on the ground like a homeless man, it's grim.
13:39The other day a crossfitter came up to me, started using me like a set of battle ropes, I was
13:43like,
13:43Get off man, what are you doing?
13:45It's pretty rough, but despite not wanting to be a mum, I have to admit I am not using any
13:51or all forms of contraception.
13:54Uh, which my doctor calls actively trying, whatever.
13:57It's just, for me, as a vulva owner, um, which by the way is a gender neutral term I absolutely
14:02love.
14:03It's quite posh.
14:04Vulva owner.
14:04Yeah.
14:05I feel like I'm in a car yard.
14:07Hi, I'm a vulva owner.
14:09I want something with a push button start.
14:12It's not that, it's more this.
14:13Anyway, as a vulva owner, uh, I'm just not really impressed with the types of contraception they made available for
14:19us, right?
14:19The pill made me miserable, I don't wanna get hooked with an IUD.
14:22Otherwise, you gotta ask the guy to put on a condom and it makes his willy look like he's wearing
14:26one of those wet-weather ponchos and it started raining at the rugby.
14:28It's grim.
14:30And the worst bit is, right, the worst bit about condoms, guys, it's watching you put them on yourselves.
14:35Are you, are we aware of what we look like, guys, when we put on our own condom?
14:42I'll tell you, you look like a skinny dog taking a shit in a park.
14:47Like, you do.
14:49You get this real, like, rounded spine like that.
14:53Hey, listen to the women in the room.
14:55You get this, ooh, spine.
14:59And you're, like, maintaining weird eye contact with your owner, like.
15:05Sort it out, eh?
15:08Straighten your back.
15:12Oh, God, I love the next time you put on a condom, you're gonna think of me.
15:15Here's, the worst part is, right, you'll be doing that and you're still trying to keep it sexy.
15:21You're, like, you're about to get it and we're just watching on the bed, eh?
15:26Like, pfff, I don't know anymore, man.
15:27I think I'd rather get chlamydia.
15:31I like to, at the end, put it on my hand and pick up his shit as well.
15:34And he'd say, good boy.
15:37Here's a better option for you, right?
15:39This is what I like to do.
15:40It's my technique.
15:41Feel free to use it.
15:42Um, I'll go, oh, let me, let me help you.
15:45And I'll take the condom and I'll rip off the wrapper and I'll completely unravel it.
15:49And I just hold it out to the side and I go, ha, ha, ha!
15:53Just get them to run into it, full erection.
15:55Like that.
15:57Use that one.
15:58I'm Hayley Sprout, thank you so much.
15:59Goodnight!
16:02It's my great mate from Seven Days and the stickiest man in Aotearoa.
16:07Give it up for the wonderful Paul Ego!
16:13Hey!
16:14Hi, hi, hi.
16:16Oh.
16:17Oh, yes.
16:18Looks like it's Best Foods Mayonnaise Week.
16:21Good to see you.
16:23Hi, I'm Paul Ego.
16:23I'm well, thanks.
16:24Thanks for asking.
16:25Uh, is anybody doing Dry July this year?
16:28No, me neither.
16:29Me neither.
16:30No, I'm not doing it.
16:31I'm not doing Dry July.
16:33I've decided to do Moise May, um, and Alcoholic August.
16:40Yeah, then I might rock into, um, Shit Face September with that woman.
16:44So, I like a drink and there's a medical reason that I have to drink and that's because
16:50I have, uh, children.
16:53Um, a few other people in the crowd with children or have seen a child at some point.
16:58Yeah, you know what children are.
16:59Boy, parenting.
17:00I tell you what, you can't get through parenting without that 3-315 glass of Pinot Gris.
17:05I tell you what, just when they get in the door, you're like, I can finish the bottle
17:08before the other guy's home.
17:10It's, uh, parenting is challenging, man.
17:12My wife and I were very lucky.
17:14We've got two kids.
17:15We've got two wonderful boys.
17:16Two fantastic boys.
17:17And, uh, but parenting is, you know, it's rewarding.
17:20Yeah, but it's hard work.
17:21It's really hard work.
17:23So, why would you make it even harder by having something advanced as a girl child?
17:30That's why I like having boys, because they are dumb as fuck.
17:35Oh, they are so dumb.
17:38But it does make it easier to parent them, because you don't have to deal with that stuff
17:42you do with a daughter, where they store up information to use at a later date.
17:48You don't get that with boys.
17:50They don't have the mental capacity or the bandwidth to store up information.
17:55Most of the time, they're not thinking about anything.
17:59And when they are, they just bring it up at the worst times.
18:02I was with my son once, and he said in this very loud whisper,
18:05Dad, my willy feels funny.
18:10I'm like, well, thanks for sharing that information, mate.
18:13I think everybody caught that.
18:14Thanks for that.
18:15We're going to have to leave the funeral now.
18:20Just to be honest, mine's feeling a bit weird as well.
18:25Who knew Aunty Jan was so hot?
18:35It's great though, I love them.
18:36I do love them to death.
18:37Look, I love them.
18:38I love them so much.
18:39I think they have probably, from the stress of parenting though, made me bald.
18:43I think I've gone bald because of kids.
18:45I know you're all looking out at me going, hey, that's a cool haircut that Paul has chosen out of
18:49his own choice.
18:52No, I went bald.
18:53I don't mind the fact that I went bald.
18:55What I mind is how quickly it happened.
18:57Like, it seemed to happen like it snuck up on me really fast.
19:00Like, to the best of my knowledge, I still had quite a bit of hair.
19:04And then I just seemed to wake up one day, and it was sort of like all the hairs on
19:08the front and the top of my head
19:10had had a conversation with each other overnight.
19:12And they went, hey, do you know it would be really funny?
19:17If we all fucked off.
19:20And did not tell the back and the sides.
19:24And so they didn't.
19:26They left and didn't let the other guys know.
19:30And I just woke up one morning with like an iPad of skin on the front of my head.
19:35Like this big rectangle.
19:37My fringe went up to there.
19:38But all the other guys are still there.
19:40It was awful.
19:41I looked like some sort of Timu monk.
19:45So I took control and I shaved the whole lot off.
19:47It's good.
19:48It's good.
19:48I enjoy it.
19:49I enjoy being bald.
19:50I'm not sure my wife is as much of a fan of it as I am.
19:53Because we've been married a long time.
19:55We've been together since we were 18 and 19.
19:57And I did not look like this when I was 19.
20:00I tell you that much.
20:01Otherwise, I wouldn't have got a bloody look in.
20:03But I look like that now.
20:04And I quite like it.
20:05But my wife, bless her, my lovely wife Janine, she never mentions the fact that I'm bald.
20:09She never says, oh, I don't really like it that you're bald.
20:11Or she never says, you know, oh, I preferred it when you had hair.
20:15But every now and then she'll say something without really realizing that she's saying something.
20:19Like the other day, the two of us were sitting down.
20:20We were making a meal plan for the family for the week.
20:23We're sitting at the table looking at the shopping list.
20:25And my wife looked down at the shopping list and then she looked up at me.
20:28And then she looked down at the shopping list and she went, I think we need eggs.
20:36And I'm like, why do we need eggs?
20:38Are we making an omelette this week or something?
20:40And she's like, what?
20:41I'm like, you said we need eggs.
20:43She's like, did I?
20:44I don't know why I said that.
20:45I don't know why I said that.
20:47I don't know why I said that.
20:48But while we're on the subject, we also need a large light bulb and a bowling ball with glasses.
20:56And I tell you what, that HelloFresh recipe was dreadful.
21:01You guys have been wonderful.
21:02I've been Paul Ego.
21:03See you soon.
21:03Have a great festival.
21:09She is the biggest Australian export since Kylie.
21:12Give it up for Eloise Ecos.
21:21What's up?
21:23I know you guys are going, what the hell is she doing here?
21:25I know I'm way too hot to do comedy.
21:27Thank you so much.
21:32I literally could do anything else with my life, but I'm doing this.
21:34How weird is that?
21:35Um, so apart from being Australia's first attractive comedian.
21:40I know.
21:41Um, I'm also an actress.
21:44Okay.
21:44Um, I don't know if you guys know this, but actress is actually the Latin word for insecure waitress.
21:50Someone told me that the other day and I was like, oh, you know, being a waitress isn't too bad.
21:53It's kind of like stand up.
21:54You know, you get to talk to people that you'd never talk to in real life.
22:00Like I would never talk to you, do you know what I mean?
22:03Just kidding.
22:03I love meeting different people.
22:05How are you?
22:06What was your name?
22:07Gary.
22:08And what do you do for work, Gary?
22:10Science.
22:11Oh my God.
22:12You do just do science.
22:14Amazing.
22:14Was science something you always wanted to do?
22:16Was it something you saw someone do when you were younger and you...
22:32And that's why you got into science, Gary, or...
22:36Sorry, Gary, are you listening to me?
22:37Your eyes just like glazed over.
22:40Sorry guys, this is kind of like a big deal for me.
22:42This is like the big gala.
22:44Um, they're filming it.
22:45So you could just pay attention.
22:46That was rude.
22:49Um...
22:49I was actually told by a female comedian friend of mine not to dress too sexy on stage
22:53because she said, the women in the crowd were thinking they're trying to fuck their husbands.
22:55That's what she said.
22:56It's like, okay, I'm like kind of famous.
22:59You know what I mean?
22:59It's like, I'm not out here hunting for prey.
23:02I'm not a male comedian.
23:08I didn't do this to get laid.
23:09I can get laid whenever I want.
23:12Uh...
23:12Silly.
23:13Uh...
23:13People are so scared of sexy things though, aren't they?
23:17New Zealand.
23:18People are scared of sexy things.
23:19Not just me.
23:20Also sexy cartoons.
23:22Have you noticed this?
23:23Did you see what they did to the green M&M?
23:26They had to make her less sexy because people were so petrified.
23:30They literally got rid of her lash tech, lip filler, go-go boots off.
23:33They're like, that's it.
23:34She can't stand like this anymore.
23:38They put her in a sensible sneaker and she has to stand like this now.
23:40Wah wah.
23:44What is so funny about that is they did that and then us as women had to go, thanks for
23:48that.
23:49That's changed everything.
23:50That's feminism.
23:51That's changed everything.
23:52What I actually think they should have done is just encourage men to catcall the way cartoons catcall.
23:57That would have more impact on society.
23:59Okay.
24:00You guys look so confused.
24:01That's probably my accent.
24:02Let me explain.
24:03Um...
24:04So Gary, just pretend you're there and I'm walking down the street like Jessica Rabbit or Betty Boop.
24:08I'm going, boop boop bee doo.
24:10Wow.
24:10Trained actor.
24:11I told you.
24:12And you would see me like that.
24:14You would see me and you would go, awooga!
24:16And your eyes would come out and go back in and your tongue would roll out and become stairs.
24:23And a little mouse would come and run up the stairs and you'd go...
24:27And like swallow and spit it out.
24:28That'd be actually kind of cool to see.
24:31You know?
24:31Like maybe your heart's bulging out of your chest and you're hitting your head with a frypan.
24:35It would be a bit scary at first, wouldn't it girls?
24:37But after a while I'd be like, that's sick.
24:40It's like, I don't want to hear some guy just going like, nice tits.
24:43Like, I don't know, do this one.
24:45I...
24:47I'm so good at that.
24:49I...
24:51Silly.
24:52I love New Zealand so, so much guys.
24:55Thank you so, so much for having me.
24:56Mwah!
25:01You've seen him on the telly.
25:03And now he's here.
25:04IRL.
25:06It's Guy Williams!
25:07IRL.
25:08IRL.
25:09IRL.
25:13IRL.
25:14IRL.
25:25IRL.
25:26IRL.
25:27IRL.
25:30IRL.
25:32IRL.
25:33IRL.
25:35IRL.
25:38IRL.
25:41IRL.
25:54IRL.
25:59IRL.
26:00IRL.
26:11IRL.
26:13IRL.
26:15IRL.
26:22IRL.
26:24IRL.
26:26IRL.
26:28IRL.
26:36IRL.
26:52IRL.
26:54IRL.
26:58IRL.
27:03IRL.
27:05IRL.
27:06IRL.
27:10IRL.
27:11IRL.
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27:32IRL.
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27:49IRL.
27:51IRL.
28:09guys auntie's house in Whangarei I hear she's got some real interesting opinions
28:14on vaccines and Jacinta can't wait to hear reviews on Greta Thunberg fascinating
28:22stuff ah like it's just it's just non-stop my her husband Uncle John he's
28:30worried about bike lanes yeah he's like who even uses them who even uses bike
28:34who even use they suck who even uses them I'll tell you who uses bike lanes
28:38uncle auntie Sharon she rides a bike to the Jordan Peterson concerts which is
28:46ironic because he's a climate denier not a climate change tonight he denies that
28:50climate exists all I'm saying is guys it's an election year New Zealand we need
28:56to wake up all right democracy is dying in New Zealand and America people are
29:00losing their minds so we need to get politically active get back to what we
29:03love as New Zealanders go the All Blacks honour the treaty we love our
29:08trans brothers and sisters shout out I said that I said that last night and
29:15someone's like you forgot to mention non-binary people and I was like honestly
29:18I don't give a fuck about them now shout out to the non-binaries after non-binaries I've been Guy
29:40O'Leary thank you so much for coming out oh don't don't worry you're in safe hands I I do
29:53this most nights and most nights I look out into different crowds you know and I and I don't mind
29:59if you guys don't like my stuff tonight but what I have noticed is that the people who don't laugh
30:06they do tend to be uglier than the rest of the crowd
30:12okay now we got a beautiful crowd in tonight towards the back somehow goes but we
30:18I was talking to a friend and she said oh I have to go to the gym today and I
30:29was like oh why do you
30:30have to go to the gym have to go to the gym today you know like I haven't been going
30:34to the gym any day they don't mind
30:42you know they're not doing a roll call
30:46but she was like oh no I have to go to the gym because when I go it inspires others
30:52to go
30:53and I was like oh I've never heard something so narcissistic
30:58you know it's like oh maybe next time you're at the gym you could try exercising some self-awareness
31:05yeah it must be easy losing weight carrying that big head around you know but people you know they
31:11ask me you know they say oh who's your biggest inspiration and I have to say oh well there's
31:17this woman who goes to the gym sorry sorry she's just such an inspiration you know I mean I mean
31:25what
31:26she does it really puts the likes of Gandhi and Rosa Parks to shame you know I mean Rosa
31:33wouldn't even walk you know
31:35oh that joke's a bit divisive
31:44much like the bus that Rosa was trying to get anyway but
31:50no but I met a woman recently oh that is patronizing
31:59I met a woman recently and she told me that her and her dog were on the same antidepressant
32:10and I was like that's tough you know because normally you get a dog to cheer yourself up
32:18you know but imagine welcoming a dog into your life and the dog is like no you're right this sucks
32:33your emotional support dog is like do it
32:44he won the traitors and now he's here to win your hearts give it up for Sam
32:58hey everyone who wants to hear some songs that's really good I was gonna do them anyway but good
33:05all right I hope you enjoy hello hello from the other side
33:40why do birds suddenly appear every time I have chips
33:51and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I want to have a threesome with
33:58your sister
34:24rising up
34:26that's all that one is
34:36I can't remember I can't I can't I can't sorry I forget that one
35:01I don't know I can't see you at all
35:17But I'm too good at tennis
35:27And ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?
35:31Ooh, have you read the price tag on it?
35:36I can see clearly now my blindfolds off
35:42I'm like a bird, I poo on people's cars
35:48My baby don't mess around
35:50Because she's just a baby and she can't even walk
35:58Look, if you had one shot
36:01Would your Covid vaccine still work?
36:07And unless you're playing chess
36:10It don't matter if you're black or white
36:16I, I just am late in your arms tonight
36:19You're holding me too tight with your arms
36:26When I wake up
36:27Yes, I know I'm gonna be
36:29I'm gonna be the man who's naked at the zoo
36:33Cause you make me feel
36:36Yeah, you make me feel
36:40You're my central nervous system
36:43That one's clever
36:45One more
36:47Then I saw her face
36:50When I stole her burka
36:54Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sam Smith
36:56You guys are awesome
36:56I'm gonna take this with me
36:58Goodbye!
37:04Hello!
37:05Please welcome all away from Rewa
37:07It's Courtney Dawson!
37:17Kia ora e te iwi, ko Courtney Dawson toko ingoa
37:20I just wanted to start my set off with a bit a reoe at the top
37:23To brag to you fellas that I've officially graduated my level 3 and 4 te reo courses
37:28Thank you, thank you
37:31And as I keep talking and you realise how ratchet I am
37:35Just remember this moment when you were proud of me
37:38Okay? Thank you
37:39I'm honestly, I'm just stoked to come back to comedy
37:42And know that I've still got a job that AI hasn't taken
37:45No crack up robots yet
37:46I mean, you know
37:48I reckon we've probably got, what, 5, 6 years of men still being distracted trying to root them
37:54So...
37:56It'll be all good
37:58I wanted to do te reo for some obvious reasons
38:01My father is Māori, I wanted to honour him
38:04And then I thought I'd even things up
38:06And to honour my Pākehā mother, I've dyed my hair a sort of westy shade of red
38:12Cut it into a lob, like a baby Karen, I'd say
38:17So I'm just prospecting to talk to the manager at the moment
38:21So...
38:21Tēnā koe
38:25I have to be real careful when I tell jokes about my mum
38:28Because she'll come up to me after the show and she'll be like
38:30Darling, don't tell that one, don't tell that one
38:32They're gonna think that I'm racist
38:33They're gonna think that I'm racist
38:35And she's not racist, my mum, I swear
38:37She is the least racist white lady that I know
38:41Honestly, if anything, she's sort of over-corrected
38:44Like, at her job, she works for a Māori organisation
38:47And she is one of two Pākehā employees
38:50She has allied too close to the sun
38:54And now she has become the diversity hire somehow
38:58I don't...
39:01It's good, you know, she's a great lady
39:04She's, um, you know, she's very proud of her Māori children
39:07And not always in a problematic way, you know
39:11Because it does sometimes be problematic, you know
39:14You know these ladies, they roll their R's a little bit too hard out, you know
39:18When they're introducing their daughter, Rangi Māori
39:23Nah, my mum's not like that, she's on
39:25You know, she really embraces the culture without fetishising it
39:29Um, not like some of her woo-woo mates
39:31Do you know these ones?
39:32Bro, these bitches, they're praying to Jah, Ganesh
39:36Any ethnic god can get it, you know
39:38But not my mum
39:39My mum's into the maramataka, okay
39:43She'll tell you all about it as well
39:45Like, I, um, I called her up, say, you know, how she's doing
39:48I said, how are you, mum?
39:49She said, ugh, how do you think? Go outside, look at the moon
39:54I was like, yeah, okay, I'm sure it's the moon
39:56Not the, uh, mental illness that your ancestors have bequeathed us with
40:00But, uh...
40:04She was like, yeah, my god
40:05Do you know what your father said to me today?
40:07He said that ever since I've started menopause
40:09That I've been moody
40:10And that I've just been, you know, crazy all over the place
40:14And he knows I can't handle that kind of feedback
40:17Not during Tamanui Tehaha
40:21I was like, you know what, mum, fair enough, yeah
40:24I reckon if dad talks about your menopause
40:26You can just sort of beat his ass all around the moon phase
40:30Just... go for it
40:32But it's good, you know, I need my white ladies
40:34I need my white ladies on this journey with me
40:36Because the other thing that I've been doing
40:37Um, after learning rio
40:39Is I've been trying to get up home, back up north a bit more
40:41Go camping up on the whenua
40:43Um, but I'm not gonna lie to you fellas
40:45Sometimes I do it on easy mode and I go with my marketing girlies
40:49Um, because they got the meanest gears, G
40:52Okay?
40:54I don't know any other group of people that would spend thousands of dollars pretending to be homeless for two
40:59weeks
41:00They're running around being like, wow, we're living off the land
41:04So, okay, I thought we were catching fish off your dad's $20,000 boat
41:08But okay, mana motuhake, I guess
41:11Hey, you guys are being incredible, enjoy the rest of your night
41:17It's time for the hot daddies of New Zealand comedy
41:21The Fuckboys!
41:30Wow! Wow! My goodness! Shivers!
41:35Ryan Richards, the devil himself!
41:38Hamish Parkinson, as I live and breathe!
41:41And who do we have here?
41:43Wow, what a bunch of cutie-ma-pooties
41:46Ooh, I could squeeze your cheeks
41:49But I won't!
41:50No, he won't, he promised, come, come!
41:53Yes, they made me promise back, star!
41:56No, now, Hamish, should we do the first set-up and punchline?
42:00Oh, right, and always food before Joe
42:02Oh, where's my head at?
42:03Where's my head at?
42:06Always, oh, Hamish, hold your britches, is that a carrot?
42:10Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, it is a carrot
42:13For you see, I am a vegan
42:14Oh, you're a vegan!
42:17Whoa, hey, that is something, that is really something
42:23Hey, look, I'm just a little boy doing his bit
42:26There's no need for some applause!
42:30No, there's no need, no, no, there's no need for applause
42:32But you're just doing your bit, right?
42:34Of course, of course
42:35Well, so we proceed to make these lovely people laugh
42:38Yeah, I think so, allow me
42:40No, the floor's yours, the floor's yours, the floor's yours, the floor's yours
42:43Okay, so, I was giving money to charity today
42:47So, Ryan, did you just say you're giving money to charity today?
42:50Yeah, I was giving money to charity today, now that you mentioned it?
42:52Oh goodness gracious, how good of you?
42:54Anyway, continue your little story
42:55Oh, look, I forget now, but do I give a charity?
42:58Yeah, do I do it often?
42:59Yeah, sure
43:00You know, I'm just doing my bit, and there's no need for applause
43:04Yes, absolutely, there's no need for applause, he is just doing his bit
43:08Okay, alright, well, enough of the admin, let's bring the chuckles
43:12Oh, oopsie!
43:13Oh, no, why, and I spilled all my soft west tics on the ground
43:18Blood!
43:19What?
43:19I give blood, once a month, no big deal
43:21Look at my head, Ryan!
43:22I don't give my head to the cancer patients
43:24No, you're bald, Hamish
43:25What are you bringing the hell?
43:26You four eyes!
43:26I adopt orphans!
43:28I don't know what I do with them, but I've got them
43:29With my license, Ryan, what does it say?
43:32Ugh, donut
43:32Yeah, ding dong, ding dong, Madonna, ding dong
43:34Oh, you died a car crash, you donate your organs, big whoop
43:37Yeah, hope so, hope so, yeah, hope so
43:38I know, I'm gonna donate an organ right now
43:41I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it
43:43You want a kidney?
43:44You want a kidney?
43:45You want a kidney?
43:45I insist!
43:46I insist!
43:47I insist!
43:48I insist!
43:49I insist!
43:53It's coming, it's coming
43:54Look, there's no need for applause.
43:57There's no need for applause.
43:59There's no need for applause.
44:01There's no need for applause.
44:02Ah! Ah! Finally!
44:06And Dweck out.
44:08Hey, good job.
44:13Give it up.
44:19Have you enjoyed tonight?
44:23We'll get out and see more comedy.
44:25I'd really like to thank everyone at the Comedy Trust.
44:29Massive thanks to Best Foods Mayo who have been behind New Zealand comedy.
44:34And it really matters because this is exposing New Zealand comics,
44:38international comics to all of the people around Aotearoa.
44:42And of course, a big thanks to the amazing crew at New Zealand On Air.
44:46I've loved sharing these laughs with you.
44:48So is everyone out there.
44:49So a round of applause for all the acts you've seen.
44:53And for yourselves.
44:55Get out.
44:57Share the love.
44:58Spread the love.
44:59And find the smiles.
45:01My name's Ben Dahinwood.
45:02You're beautiful. Good night.
45:07You Thank you.
45:09Oh, God.
45:15Thank you, Nak.