- 2 days ago
First broadcast 25th December 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jimmy Carr
Carrie Fisher
Paul Parker
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jimmy Carr
Carrie Fisher
Paul Parker
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:07As you may have noticed if you've been paying attention, the rest of the series has been devoted to the
00:12letter L, but tonight's an exception, because it's no L.
00:19Let's look at my lovely decorations. A big bauble, Bill Bailey!
00:28A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr!
00:34A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher!
00:43And either my chocolate log is melted or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davis!
00:48APPLAUSE
00:54Make sure they're jingle bells.
00:56Bill goes...
00:57Jimmy goes...
01:10Oh, that slays me.
01:12I'm lucky! And Carrie goes...
01:21Phil Spector's still in prison.
01:23And Alan goes...
01:25Silence!
01:43This series, we have an L-themed chance for extra points
01:47in the shape of your spend-a-penny bonus.
01:58L is for lavatory.
02:00If you think a question I've asked has some lavatory theme, all you have to do is wave
02:05your spend-a-penny, and if you're right, you get extra points.
02:08Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree, isn't it lovely?
02:12But first, can you tell me what's special, indeed unique, about this tree?
02:15Can you see it?
02:16There you are.
02:17Small.
02:18It's small.
02:20Imperfectly formed.
02:21Imperfectly formed.
02:22Was that a normal-sized tree, and they started trimming it, and then they didn't get it even
02:26on that side.
02:26They went a bit lower on that side, and then eventually they ended up with a twig.
02:32Angels?
02:32Is it a vintage one?
02:34It is.
02:34It's been valued by Christie's.
02:36Oh.
02:36Uh-oh.
02:37Oh, hello.
02:37Is it a Christie-mas-tree?
02:40Hey!
02:42Oh!
02:42Oh!
02:42Oh!
02:42Oh!
02:44Oh!
02:45Oh!
02:45Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:49It wasn't quite workers' laboratorial, but you're on fire, I can tell.
02:52Oh, thank you.
02:53When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very impressive, but maybe they went,
02:56that's worth a pound.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Four-figure sum.
02:59Four-figure sum.
03:0010.99.
03:02Has it belonged to someone famous?
03:04No.
03:04Has it been, is it one of these things that speak to the moon?
03:07No, it hasn't.
03:08It's all good answers.
03:09Yeah.
03:10Really?
03:10Yeah.
03:11I mean, no.
03:14You don't know the kind of answers they usually get.
03:18Oh!
03:19Jesus' personal tree.
03:20Jesus' personal tree?
03:22No.
03:23Yeah.
03:24Was that what the gold frankincense are most?
03:26Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age.
03:30It's the oldest Christmas tree.
03:32Oldest what Christmas tree?
03:33Oldest one in the room.
03:35Fake.
03:35Fake.
03:36An artificial tree.
03:38It's the first.
03:38The original artificial tree.
03:40It's the first ever.
03:41It's in the Guinness Book of Records.
03:42Oh, wow.
03:42Christie's have validated it.
03:44It was bought for sixpence, that's six D, which is two and a half pence, in 1886.
03:51What?
03:51Yeah.
03:52This particular one?
03:53This actual one.
03:54And someone made note of that so that we can now.
03:56It's been in the same family, that's how we know.
03:59Oh.
03:59It was bought.
04:00It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet.
04:04Janet, there's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece Janet.
04:07She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker, who's a mathematician from Bath, is here in the audience, Paul!
04:15Oh!
04:16Oh, my God!
04:17Oh, my God!
04:18That is awesome.
04:20Oh, my God!
04:21Very good.
04:22She obviously...
04:25So, Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree, did you?
04:28That's right, yeah.
04:28And you knew that it was old, you knew...
04:31No one knew it was the oldest until I was grown up.
04:34Everyone was kind of, well, that's a nice little trinket.
04:37Yeah.
04:38And then it turned out to be the oldest one, and everyone else got really interested.
04:41That's amazing.
04:42But all these baubles, presumably, are not original, are they?
04:45No, they've just been accumulated over the years.
04:47Who took it to Christie's?
04:47Was that your mother?
04:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
04:49And what value did they put on it?
04:51Well, they put a value of about a thousand on it, but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's
04:54unique.
04:55Well, if you're watching, if you could give your address, and there may be a burglar watching, that would be
05:01a response.
05:02Yeah.
05:02Bound to be some burglars watching.
05:04Yeah.
05:05Odds aren't.
05:06Don't care.
05:07Yeah.
05:08Well, it's interesting.
05:10That'd be right.
05:16I mean, you have Christmas trees in America, obviously.
05:19I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually.
05:22Well, you have a house that is just...
05:23It's year-round also.
05:25It is bizarre.
05:26It is the most bizarre.
05:27Extraordinary house.
05:28My house is a hundred years old.
05:31And in America, that's, like, prehistoric.
05:34Wow.
05:34So...
05:35But Betty Davis lived there, and...
05:37Yeah.
05:38Robert Armstrong, who was in King Kong.
05:40And your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds.
05:42We're neighbours now.
05:43Yeah.
05:43She lives in your garage, let's be honest.
05:45It's my lights, yes.
05:46And his American pronunciation is...
05:49So, do you know who it was who brought the Christmas tree to prison?
05:52No, there's no reason why you should know.
05:53But it was Queen Victoria's husband, Albert, who was German.
05:56He didn't introduce it to Britain, but he certainly made it very popular.
05:59He had this German habit of having the Christmas tree decorated.
06:01And it just caught on.
06:03By 1889, of course, when this one was made, it had become a habit throughout Britain.
06:08And, indeed, now, artificial sales have overtaken real sales.
06:12Really?
06:12Really?
06:13Yeah.
06:14Because in America, you see...
06:15E-trees take over.
06:17E-trees?
06:18Virtual.
06:19Just throw a tree on your telly.
06:20Well, you lose so many lovely traditions, though, that lovely sort of January tradition
06:23of sort of taking it down and throwing it over the neighbour's fence.
06:28What you can do is gather them in a little bag, all the pine needles,
06:31and put them in a bath, and they're sent to your bath.
06:36And some Prince Albert, as well.
06:40We have other traditions from Prince Albert.
06:42Oh!
06:44I don't know why I grabbed my groin when I said that.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Because you couldn't reach mine, did you?
06:55Christmas!
06:58Debbie Reynolds was in Singing In the Rain.
07:01She was.
07:02She were...
07:04Did she never tell you that?
07:06She didn't come up, no.
07:08No?
07:09How old was she?
07:10How old was she thinking about it?
07:11She was 19 years old.
07:12She was 19 years old.
07:13You better stop thinking about it.
07:14She was 19 in that film?
07:16Yeah.
07:16Yeah.
07:16What were you doing when you were 19?
07:17Oh!
07:17that's right she says that Jean Kelly rehearsed until the feet blood yes and
07:24she also said that Jean Kelly French kissed her and she vomited that's in the
07:41blooper reel at the end not Donald O'Connor and my mother were not wild
07:47about Jean Kelly I love this more of this it's great well but apparently he's not a
07:52good kisser and he didn't have a good sense of humor what's what's Chewbacca
08:30like
08:31that wasn't even my line and we all started to say it that's right for the
08:37jump into hyperspace and he goes with Harrison Ford where he said he had a
08:44problem with the dialogue generally said you can write this stuff but you can't
08:47say it type it you can type it yeah no you cannot say I've placed a couple I can't
08:55say mine please no no I can't remember I'm on what is that what is that speech
09:01that I did what we've done before 300 nerds look back I know I placed
09:09information vital to survive a little rebellion to the memory system this R2
09:13unit my father will know how to retrieve it why is it that c-3po can speak two
09:33billion languages but not English without a proper internet it's so wrong all the
09:40way he talks anyway we have to thank of course Paul for his fantastic trusting
09:47nature in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree the oldest
09:52artificial tree in the world authentication
10:01you'll notice like any tree it has presents around it Carrie I have a
10:06present for you and I want to know which Imperial Princess was responsible for
10:10it so you can open it literally on camera it's from an Imperial Princess well
10:15yeah I take my glasses oh does do you want you can put your glasses on for this
10:19moment of it really thank you can you see the picture on it there we've got a
10:37video slide so M&M's what
10:42the original to the oldest M&M's so do you want to show the ladies and
10:48gentlemen the audience what you've got there with our best wishes for Christmas
10:521914 may God protect you and bring you home safe so what could that be Christmas
10:591914 a hundred years ago I think it could be stolen Stephen where did you get this
11:04well let me just say there are over two million of them made are these care
11:08packages sent to the troops they are indeed on the left she's less well known
11:12than the guy on the right was George the you want to know it's not your business you
11:17think of George the tyrant it's poor George Lucas
11:22I stand by what I said George the tyrant darling that's George the fifth as it
11:29happens who looks exactly like his cousin Nicholas of Russia who was killed by
11:33Lenin well not personally and his daughter Mary wanted to send the troops at
11:38the front a present she wanted to pay for it herself out her own allowance to send
11:42all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card signed by her
11:47mother and her father George R.I. Rex Imperator King Emperor and there was
11:52tobacco for those who smoke pipes and cigarettes for those who smoke cigarettes
11:55and there were sweets and spices for those who were in the Indian army sweets and
12:00rather unpleasantly a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet for boys who are not
12:05old enough to smoke and for those who are non-combatants I wonder did Vader send
12:10something similar to all the stormtroopers no no I think he sent strippers
12:17virtual strippers to the troopers say that three times fast
12:22did they have this like in a museum somewhere of the well it's rarity is not
12:27enormous because originally she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed
12:31services afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas and that was
12:35355,000 boxes successfully delivered by the deadline but then the eligibility was
12:41extended to include everybody who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas
12:44day 1914 which is a huge increase which was two million six hundred and twenty
12:49thousand and nineteen service uniforms a lot of uniforms but more than that a lot of
12:54brass so there was a brass buttons not a buttons well well yeah the buttons of
12:58course but the actual box the carrie's got is made of brass so they had to make
13:02over two million of them and there was a brass shortage there was a war rod and
13:08there was a war rod so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things
13:11and so there was a huge extra order of brass made for America and Canada and one of
13:15the largest consignments was the Lusitanium which was sunk so that held up
13:20production of these boxes now here's a rather more individual present what did St Bernard
13:26get from the Virgin Mary that wasn't just for Christmas it's not just for Christmas it's
13:33for life therefore it must be a bottle of brandy no a St Bernard dog I'm gonna say
13:43come on it's actually rather weirder and with all the deepest respect to the Romish
13:52church it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship all she was a
13:59virgin if we accept that she was a virgin and gave birth it seems a bit
14:03unbelievable now doesn't it I believe in miracles you sexy thing remember was a
14:09line from hot chocolate you can't make hot chocolate without chocolate and milk milk and
14:16a kettle milk milk milk she's a virgin she's given birth oh she gave him milk
14:21breast she lactated right into his mouth there was a painter present wow
14:28she's a hell of a name look at that what a shot and the milk is supposed to represent wisdom
14:37wait a second I just want to get this as a Christmas card
14:56I mean you know next Christmas
15:01to the priest well he's not a priest he's got the halo that strange little spinning disc above him
15:06which means that he's already been sanctified he's a saint why is he dressed as a jedi knight then
15:12they were basically a prophecy of what was to come the saints there will come after us a movie
15:19a movie a franchise a franchise lots of merchandising any old way that's St Bernard he was pretty odd
15:29but there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts because the painters were pretty
15:35limited they wanted to pay religious paintings you couldn't get that sexy with Christianity this
15:39was one example we could say that's well that exactly and then there was of course myth whoa and
15:45this is a peculiar myth and because it gets weird like the milk is really doing really good well
15:50no you're right Rubens Vermeer and Caravaggio three of the greatest names in all art all painted the
16:00legend of Roman Charity as it was called Carita Romana which is a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th
16:06and 18th century and it tells the story of Cimon or Cimon C-I-M-O-N who was sentenced
16:11to death by starvation and he's visited in prison and secretly breastfed by
16:17Pero his daughter oh yeah that's a bit creepy it is a bit although could be worse you could have
16:26got off with your brother
16:36I hope you're not feeling bullied Carrie just you know how much into every single cell of our body your
16:44work is stitch this is actually a scene cut from Star Wars
16:55so St. Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple
17:01what's the least imaginative present that you could think of
17:08it's got to be the gift voucher hasn't it
17:10yes the gift vouchers that I mean it's it's heroically bad it's walking into a shop and going
17:14yeah can I I've got some money here could I exchange this for this works everywhere could it just work
17:20in this one shop
17:22or could it just be for a limited time period with some terms and conditions but worth the same amount
17:27could I make this universally acceptable thing useless
17:33well without wishing to insult your country it is the number one present that women want in America is a
17:43gift card
17:44are you ashamed of your people I've humiliated for America
17:48yeah
17:50because it is a terrible idea if you try and sell it to someone as an idea going well look
17:54take the money
17:55isn't it clever it's 30 billion dollars a year in America 30 billion dollar industry how much of that is
18:01actually spent because I've got a lot of I've got some
18:02woolly's vouchers at home I'll tell you
18:04I'll tell you
18:05in America only 75 percent about a quarter is never redeemed because the recipient forgets or the time period
18:13elapses before they get to the shop to redeem it
18:16the time period you know like money doesn't have
18:18yeah exactly
18:19brilliant I know
18:20no it's astonishing
18:22I've got one at home I can't find it
18:24oh that's annoying
18:25it's for a day driving around Brown's Hatch or something
18:28oh well no that is fun
18:29it's not really fun
18:29oh yeah yeah
18:30I think it's probably expired
18:33I got one that was an hour an hour in a helicopter that was it just an hour
18:37there was no there was no mention of a pilot or whether it would take you anywhere
18:43there or whether it would even take you off the ground
18:47you should sit in a helicopter
18:52somewhere outside
18:59oh ouch come on let's get off
19:02I never redeemed it it was a shame
19:05what were the first gift certificates?
19:06book tokens
19:07book tokens right on sir and they were in 1932 by a man called Raymond who was a publisher
19:11who was rather disappointed to see one Christmas when he saw all these presents amongst his friends and family
19:16only three were books and he realised the reason was people were not confident about giving books
19:21because they couldn't be sure that the recipient would like that book
19:25so he thought why not just give them something that is good for any book they like
19:28which is what a gift book token is
19:31so there we are that's them moving on
19:34what's the best way to find out if one of your guests is drunk without
19:52what's the best way to find out if someone's drunk without using a breathalyzer
19:56no breathalyzer allowed
19:57well i would make a pass at them and if they go with it they're drunk
20:02that works
20:03yeah that's my test that's lean in for the kiss
20:05but let's suppose you're a policeman
20:07would that still be your method?
20:08sure takedown of particulars
20:11sobriety test is normally walking in a straight line isn't it
20:14that's right especially in america where states i've been stopped and you know they make you do that
20:19but people always act
20:21people that are acting really normal hyper normal i think they're loaded
20:24yes because drunk people announce slightly too perfectly
20:29and talk a little too loud
20:31to show that they're not slurring
20:32yes when people are acting normal they are drunk out of their minds
20:37the british police used to have an american in some states had phrases they asked you to repeat
20:43tongue twisters the leaf police dismisseth us is quite a well-known one can you say that
20:48the leaf police dismisseth us
20:52no the leaf police dismisseth us
20:54the leaf police dismisseth us
20:57i can't i have another drink yeah i'll be in trouble
21:00wait you'll be in trouble
21:01dismisseth us
21:02yeah
21:04that's cheating you can't do it yoda
21:06on the lazy laser razor lies a laser ray eraser
21:11that's not too difficult
21:12on the lazy laser razor lies a lazy ray
21:14the reason why would you say that in any there's no context where you
21:19there isn't really is there a wicked cricket critic that's what
21:22a wicked critic a wicked cricket critic
21:26a wicked cricket critic a wicked cricket critic
21:29imagine an imaginary manager manager managing an imaginary menagerie
21:41researchers at mit i don't know why they say this is
21:43most difficult but maybe for drunk people it is pad kid poured curd pulled cod
21:47it doesn't seem that difficult
21:48pad kid
21:49poured
21:50curd pulled
21:51pulled
21:51cod
21:51that doesn't seem that
21:52the one i've always thought the most difficult is you imagine a mother watching
21:55her son who's remetaling the bottom of a pan
21:58she says are you copper bottoming on my man no i'm aluminiuming on mum
22:03are you mining in my man are you copper bottoming my man
22:06no i'm aluminium
22:09very good
22:10are you copper bottoming on my man no i'm aluminium
22:14okay i'll do the beat
22:18i can't do it
22:21you wake up this stuff
22:23you're a few teachers but you would say aluminium mum
22:27aluminum i wouldn't say any
22:28no
22:30you're right
22:30you would maybe just go officer i am drunk
22:34by the time you go to this one you just go you know what i'll pay the fine
22:37yeah
22:38well anyway
22:39now let's have a look under the tannenbaum for another present and it's bill's turn
22:44oh my goodness bill you'll be so excited
22:46here you go can you pass that to bill a lot of men like getting tools for christmas
22:51don't they bill where are you going with this come on
22:53your present is the most popular tool ever made
22:56oh piers morgan
23:01okay yeah all right i'm really looking forward to this tool and it's been beautifully wrapped as
23:06well with a snowflake design and uh we have to save that for a present for next year
23:16oh brilliant we've lost bill for 45 minutes
23:22put your tongue in oh sorry sorry sorry sorry
23:24up it's whoa do you know what that is only a flipping stone axe yeah isn't it or it is
23:32a
23:32genuinely ancient flint not even made by a human being made before we were a species
23:37wow by some sort of early hominid exactly homo erectus erectus is exactly right homo erectus
23:44so this is a a uh stone cutting tool some sort of axe yes it's called an axe but you're
23:49right
23:50it's a cutting tool it's certainly not for stabbing it's for cutting and it has a beautiful
23:54it is absolutely gorgeous isn't it it's amazing they're called aculean or aculean
23:59yeah they they is it working it's really good for anything
24:02i don't know it's done work it's good for chopping garlic oh yeah garlic yes actually yeah go on
24:14i don't know what i love this thank you oh i'm i love it i thought you might it is
24:26i treasure it
24:27always that's a mode two a more sophisticated one the mode one was called older one from the old
24:32duvai gorge in tanzania which is where all of the hominids have started all those similar hand
24:37axes have been found in clackton in essex which originates from about 20 years ago exactly
24:48we're talking about the people who bleach their anuses and they're very sophisticated
24:52have you not watched towing no oh yes yeah no i have watched that yes they do bleach all parts
24:57they face their anuses they do and they uh they anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst them yeah
25:03so you don't have a rusty sheriff's bat
25:11merry christmas everybody
25:23when i said homo erectus
25:27we all know what aaron's an anagram of anyway so
25:32nala nala yeah nala old peruvian inca word for anus
25:39all right moving on everyone likes a little luxury at christmas but what little luxury did the
25:45sybarites bring along to dinner parties
25:47perero roche
26:01there we are you've heard the one sybaritic i'm sure meaning luxury loving hedonistic yeah lotus eating
26:09sybaritic lifestyle luxury loving luxury loving yes very l word so they're very known for that you can see
26:16elephants as a camel that all the signs of luxury gold drinking all the signs of luxury we live very
26:22different lives elephants camels if you came from southern italy which is where they came from
26:28these were very exotic very expensive very yeah amazing would it be spying would it be salt
26:33no the strange thing is it's now i have to draw a line and say it's too late oh
26:39like it's like any oh it was chamber pots oh no yes they gave the world chamber pots because they
26:46so
26:46loved dining they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee so they they invented something
26:52you could poo and pee into while eating and then presumably someone would someone else would take
26:57it away and bring it up and bring back a clean so they invented the person that would take it
27:01away
27:01yeah they also invented them they had slavery i'm afraid they were greek peoples who lived in southern
27:05italy known for their luxury loving lifestyle also one of the greatest and most luxuriant leaders
27:13sim darides was said to be so so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could
27:20tell and
27:20was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over oh what a big girl you're
27:28not going
27:28to take that are you i i'm not going to take that no you see yeah i'm going to bleach
27:32your angel
27:37help us so yeah so despite their reputation for luxury the sybarite's most lasting invention was the
27:47chamber pot i can't resist another peek under the tree jimmy there's a
27:50present for you of course there is what's a daze i nearly broke the most valuable christmas tree
27:57holy moly paul the thing is though paul's got his hand to his mouth go to a break
28:05yes for christmas it's not my fault it was leaning on the present
28:18paul at least you can say princess leah has handled it
28:22did you pass that to jimmy jimmy open your present it's very exciting okay it's actually
28:28rather a traditional present for a young person to get oh or at least it was in my generation
28:33probably isn't anymore a young person seems like a stretch now i'm i'm 41 yeah yeah the only way i'm
28:37young now is if i die or compared to me yeah that uh now what you i'm going to ask
28:45you to do is stand
28:46up and if you can on a box or at least as high as you can well i know you
28:50see that you anything and i
28:51think my gift's better no no you know the principle of siphoning liquid where you put a tube into a
28:58petrol
28:58tank and you slightly suck and then it's going to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into
29:03sure you can siphon a chain so i stand as high as you can and you see there's an end
29:07as far as i can
29:08the beaker out of the cart like if you feel comfortable there on the desk it's great and if
29:13you can just jerk out the the leading stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it what do
29:19you need me to do
29:20no i'm disappointed just tell me what you need me to do just jerk it out yeah jerk it out
29:24just jerk it out jerk it out and with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect it seems to
29:28defy gravity in the words of wicked jerk that out yeah out up and down and as high as you
29:33can oh wow
29:35wow wow look at that that's amazing wow dude it's going up it's going up oh my goodness oh it's
29:44magic
29:52and that's actual magic that is wow magic of science that's incredible what's lovely about
30:01though and we love this particularly on qi is that it's a phenomenon that's only recently been
30:04discovered in 2013. did someone discover that what was it a bath plug well it was first demonstrated
30:10on youtube in 2013 by a man called steve mold who is a scientific presenter it's had one and a
30:17half
30:17million hits so far i hope it'll have more came to the notice of john biggins and mark warner who
30:22are
30:22two cambridge scientists and they presented a paper on the way it works to the royal society and they
30:26basically argue this the longer the drop to the floor the faster the string of beads jumps out of
30:31the pot the higher the chain fountain as they call it because the beads are close together they act as
30:35if they were a sequence of little rods rising out of the pod it tries to rotate around its center
30:41of
30:41gravity but it can't because the bottom of the pot is in the way and so it has nowhere to
30:44go but upwards
30:45at least that's the scientific explanation oh and it's it's a wonderful that's in real time that's not
30:49speeded up it's quite astonishing i thought mine was special there's another one i thought mine was
30:54enchanted the beautiful thing is everyone now can give it to their children that's the thing you see
31:00now to that evergreen highlight of christmas telly it's not a wonderful life it's general ignorance
31:06and there's no great escape fingers on buzzers please if you will how can the detective tell if
31:11someone's used a gun oh they are holding a gun i think i was i was going to go with
31:25bullet wound
31:27well those are indicators that a gun has been used how can you tell print fingerprints
31:35oh only five percent of guns that are used have residue of fingerprints or latents as they're called
31:42as we know from police shows but police shows quite wrongly suggest that fingerprints are a big big issue
31:47in guns whose fingerprints are on there it's only five percent of that looks like that's kind of
31:51break glass for emergency it does doesn't it yeah only five percent only five percent reveal part
31:56because guns are oily anyway partly because they put their way in their pocket they'll get smeared off
32:01and partly because they're careful so how do you tell if someone's well uh powder residue is far
32:06more likely on their clothes if they haven't burnt or thrown away their clothes it's a much bigger
32:10index so be careful if you're planning any incident that's i hate those presents where it's all
32:14strapped in like that it's so difficult to get the toy out of that actually you need an old uh
32:21i'm going to be using this at every opportunity so there you are what happens to my christmas
32:27souffle if i open the oven door while it's cooking it'll think oh dear
32:36well everyone knows that so we've been brought up to believe it just isn't true
32:39if it goes cold it will sink but even then it will re-rise if you heat it up again
32:44and just opening
32:45the oven door won't make it sink it really won't sorry what's this christmas souffle i know
32:50i'm trying to make it topical i agree i've never had souffle oh that classic christmas dish
32:58this is one of the things i do know how to cook a souffle are you good at the souffle
33:01i'm really
33:01good at it i'm that's how i entered the cooking field as it were what was the souffle what did
33:06you
33:06go with souffle i've got um the best one that i make is cheese ham and cheese and chocolate chocolate
33:1428th of february is national chocolate souffle day in france all right then come over to my house
33:20everybody's invited everybody's invited
33:28it's very actually much easier to make souffles than you know no that's my big secret but everybody's
33:35incredibly impressed by them because they think this whole thing with the timing of it and the fact
33:39they'll sink but they won't is that girl contemplating suicide you were one sick
33:46she just looks very sad she's staring at a gas oven if you were a child in an english home
33:52in the 70s
33:53you would get sent into the gas oven with matches it's true and that was normal there was no health
34:00and safety get it in the oven with the matches and light the gas
34:03the high level grill
34:09anything of it that was death trap that's why you look the way you do isn't it yes it is
34:15exactly
34:18he probably knows bill best from the warning films
34:21hey don't kids don't look back to me
34:27anyway yeah it is okay to open the oven door to check your souffle
34:31well now hey ho all the things must come to an end so when should you take down your christmas
34:36decorations
34:45i think it's after the first fight on christmas morning you go it's all ruined it's over yeah
34:5412th day well the 12th day of christmas the 12th day of christmas
34:58what is the 12th day what is the 12th day of christmas the 12th day of christmas january the 6th
35:03sort of thing is january the 5th no well you see um the tradition is that it's candlemas eve
35:10and candlemas i
35:11that candlemas eve when you burn your bleaching vouchers
35:18when you lose your racing car trip
35:21in a pile of wrapping paper it's the first of february the candlemas day is the second of february
35:26the whole idea is christmas is gigantic february yeah christmas huge winter feast
35:30and you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through nowadays we've got
35:34central heating things like that we don't really think about that how amazing it was to have pickles
35:38and jams and preserves and dried fruits and all the things that kept you through winter and it was
35:43a great celebration and book tokens so and book tokens yeah christmas was actually all the way from
35:48martinmas which was 11th of november to candlemas eve well that was a long labor for mary then wasn't it
35:56even 40 days before christmas we're fasting the season getting ready for it and then i find the
36:01opposite you can't fast before christmas you have to get yourself match fit for the big day
36:06you can't just go from a normal diet to 10 000 calories you've got to work your way up
36:11christmas and then you're ready on the big day for that you know yeah the big country nut cornflakes
36:15and baileys to start the rice krispies and the lambrisco also
36:26that is a lifesaver i tell you you realize someone is watching this on day before in the morning
36:31going we've got those we've got
36:32i i've run out of jägermeister and you have to have a tia maria bomb
36:39oh no no that's crunchy and cornflakes and baileys my god that is a calorie delivery system and a
36:45half oh oh they're tasty tasty very very
36:49very tasty
36:54the baby is the spirit of christmas i am the spirit of christmas yes i'm sorry i feel
37:01a sophisticate like you carry this must be upsetting you are a glittering sophisticate but what i
37:06explain to the ladies and gentlemen because you know we know that there is a separation of church
37:11and state in america and what that means of course is that christmas day is not a
37:16particularly special day in as much as that's a big day for people to go to the cinema isn't it
37:20well i don't think it's a special day anymore that's what i mean stores are still open that's
37:24what i mean that's the point is because in american law you can't have a religious festival
37:28being a commercial holiday so all your holidays are secular memorial day labor day veterans day
37:35thanksgiving day none of those are religious whereas we being a still so-called religious
37:39country we have these days like christmas which are yet with no one would think of going to the
37:43cinema on christmas day in britain i've read an interesting thing about america recently oh actually
37:47it was in it was in the unbelievers the uh there's a brilliant film about atheism which said that we've
37:51secularized in in great britain we've become a secular culture whereas in america they've secularized
37:56their religion so churches in america are more like self-help groups they're about this life not the
38:01next life so they've just changed religion so they're thinking about it in a different way that's
38:05in the in-betweeners yeah yeah it is yeah yeah a little bit off your ears
38:17it's a really interesting thing though that that secular it is quite a secular culture america
38:20although americans over 60 believe that angels walk amongst us that's in america that's in america
38:26but but why don't they walk
38:35hold on hold on are they company these angels
38:40good glory right it's the right result isn't it
38:47you're an archangel you are yeah i've infused with the holy spirit
38:52okay i'll show you all right is it coming down and walking among them yeah
38:55yeah i'm walking among them yeah have you seen the angel
38:58that's a test though who even thinks up that question i know where is coven hagen
39:02for example was asked to a group of americans and most of them thought it was in canada
39:10it isn't no
39:18it's a shock you know also do you know where the rebel base is
39:24will you tell us where the rebel base is in your pants
39:35that would be a great pair of underpants just a rebel base across
39:40yeah not on the waistband but i've patented that isn't that right there
39:46these are the pants you want yeah copyright allen davis yeah well done okay so you can leave your
39:54christmas decorations up until the first of february for like yeah yeah so having reinstated the full
40:0038 days of christmas we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores and my goodness me how
40:04fabulous they are in first place with astonishing scoring five points that's a plus five what's jimmy carl
40:12oh yes come on five five five points but imagine on your debut to have a plus score plus three
40:20carrie fischer
40:26bill in third place with a respectable minus six minus
40:36there are only 40 days in advent but alan manages minus 46
40:53oh wait a second wait a second there's one little boy here who still hadn't had a present
41:09so what have you got for alan have a feel in santa's sack alan
41:14what can you have a feel what can you what's in there
41:17ping pong balls ping pong balls now i know a very exciting thing you can do with ping pong balls
41:22but it's quite loud and quite dangerous so can you all put your ear defenders on all right look at
41:28carrie's ear defenders
41:33oh you don't know but you got me through some very difficult years
41:39i only said that when you had the ear defenders on
41:42you go in the safe place jimmy carrie
41:46and bill and ear defenders on in the audience if you would good luck oh well done bye
41:51all right alan you and i are going to the extremely dangerous place
41:55i mean kind of suicidal to put the goggles on before the yeah right
42:00and i've got gloves that you don't need to have right okay so here we have the ping pong balls
42:05we are going to pour in liquid nitrogen which is 196 degrees minus that is really really cold
42:12we're pouring it into this bottle and it's fine in the bottle but if you put it in really hot
42:17water
42:19obviously this is gas which is in liquid form and when it heats it'll go back to gas but there's
42:23so
42:24much of it it'll expand and expand and expand and the bottle will explode really rather violently so
42:29if you put it in there's hot water in there we're going to add these ping pong balls and the
42:34moment the
42:34bottle goes in alan pop in your all of them that's it and i'll pop in all of mine and
42:40then we've got
42:41about five seconds now let's go oh gosh
42:47oh
43:06ting dong merrily on high and a very happy christmas to you all
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