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00:00I'm pregnant!
00:01Is there someone who can go along with you?
00:02My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings. My sister's on remand.
00:05I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiancé murdered.
00:08Tried and failed.
00:09Oh my God!
00:11It's my coat, isn't it?
00:13Why can't you behave like a fully grown adult?
00:15Which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?
00:17Look at that!
00:18You know, I reckon I could get my head through that.
00:20You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?
00:22Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA.
00:25You're not good enough for her!
00:27What the fuck is that?
00:30Dad, it's happening!
00:34There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
00:37Do what you've done.
00:38Hiya, Mum.
00:47I thought you'd never ask me out on a date.
00:50I'll give you that impression.
00:52The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:55I was...
00:57just worried.
00:59Things might change after you had the baby.
01:03What baby?
01:11What the fuck?
01:13No.
01:14Oh God.
01:15Then I'll order some more drinks.
01:18Yeah.
01:18Excuse me, mate.
01:20Yeah.
01:21How are you doing?
01:22How are you doing?
01:27Sadie!
01:28What are you doing down there?
01:31It's okay.
01:33It's okay.
01:35Dad?
01:39What?
01:41What?
01:44What?
01:56What?
02:00The baby's crying, love.
02:02Oh, is she?
02:03Thanks.
02:04She's very, very loud.
02:06Have you just got in?
02:08I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the sausage man.
02:12So things are getting serious with the sausage man then?
02:14Sausage men are never serious, Gemma.
02:16They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
02:20Yeah, that's famously what sausage men do.
02:22In all the romantic sausage poems.
02:25Are you hungry?
02:25Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
02:28He's here.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Hiya, Gemma.
02:31Mum, we had a conversation about this.
02:34He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma.
02:36I'm not going to say no.
02:37No.
02:38Get him to leave.
02:39Now.
02:39You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
02:42Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
02:48Come here, you.
02:50Oh, now that is a big bit of me.
02:54Thin walls work both ways.
03:03Malcolm.
03:06Malcolm.
03:09Malcolm.
03:11What is it?
03:11What is it, Gemma?
03:12What is it, Sandy?
03:13What's the matter?
03:13How the fuck should I know?
03:15Malcolm, I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
03:19Yeah, I'm sorry.
03:20I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
03:21There was a big, complicated fight over some crab paste.
03:24I didn't want to get involved yet.
03:26Malcolm.
03:26Sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
03:30Ow!
03:30And you know I'm trying to run a top-class, professional establishment here.
03:36Derek, the door's broken again.
03:39Oh, for fuck's sake, Lawrence.
03:43Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands without having to worry about fixing every single fucking
03:50broken fucking door in this place?
03:52The front door.
03:53The front door.
03:54Oh, the front door.
03:55I'm sorry.
03:55Why didn't you say?
03:56Jesus Christ!
03:59What?!
04:00I, me and the others, we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free and we all pay rent.
04:13Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
04:21He's right, mate.
04:22Oh, come on.
04:23You're gonna have to start chipping in, otherwise they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it
04:28down the bin chute.
04:29I've seen it before.
04:30I mean, it's been three months.
04:31I thought Davina would have left by now.
04:35Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
04:38Hey, stop strange men getting in.
04:40Malcolm.
04:43We are the strange men.
04:51Oh my god, I am so tired.
04:55Why?
04:56Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
04:59Oh yeah.
05:00I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
05:01Why don't mum help you with a baby?
05:03A baby has a name.
05:05Yeah.
05:07Brenda.
05:08For fuck's sake.
05:10Right, so.
05:12Don't take this the wrong way.
05:14But Gemma?
05:16You look like shit.
05:17Me?
05:18Yeah.
05:19Yeah, you've got grills.
05:20Yeah.
05:21How did you even get grills?
05:23I made it.
05:25Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
05:27I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
05:30It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
05:32It's good to have career goals.
05:38Hey!
05:38How?
05:39Fuck's sake, Gemma.
05:40You fuck up, Brenda.
05:44Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
05:48Oh, there we go.
05:49How's your downstairs doing?
05:51Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
05:53I had a C-section.
05:55Well, how's your upstairs doing?
05:58Oh, still tender.
06:00Oh, wait till you get to my age.
06:03Everything's tender.
06:05Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
06:07Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma.
06:10Cos one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
06:12well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight old
06:14when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden
06:17and laughed so hard, the scar just tore open
06:20and her innards fell out, splat, right onto her thighs.
06:23She had to take herself off to her knee, carrying her bits in her test girl bag.
06:29Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in her shopping bag phase now.
06:34Were you very tired?
06:36Yeah.
06:37I've not had more than two hours continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
06:41I thought your mum had moved in.
06:43Yeah, she has.
06:43She was great at first, although that might have been the painkillers.
06:46Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
06:49And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
06:52He's too scared to come over while Mum's there, so I've not seen much of him.
06:56Rita, what's this?
06:57Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
07:01This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
07:04These make no sense anatomically.
07:06Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
07:09I'm trying to become one of those places hen parties go to.
07:12You know, nails, brows, cocks.
07:14Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
07:20I do know about cocks, though.
07:22That was the implication.
07:24I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
07:26Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
07:29Winnie, you mucky bitch.
07:32Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:35Probably.
07:40Oh, shit.
07:41Dad?
07:42Are you hiding?
07:44Is your mother with you?
07:45No.
07:46Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
07:49Oh, God.
07:51Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
07:53Look at her, she's massive.
07:55And there's a little beefcake on you.
07:57Oh, she misses you.
07:58Oh, I miss her as well.
08:01Jesus, you're all right, love. You look knackered.
08:04You getting enough sleep?
08:05Yeah, just a rough night.
08:07All right.
08:09How's the sad man bed sit?
08:11Hey, yeah, great.
08:12Yeah, I love it there.
08:12Mm-hmm.
08:13Back in your old room?
08:14Yeah, well, almost, you know.
08:16Definitely within spitting distance, anyway.
08:19How are things with your mum?
08:22Great she's there, huh?
08:23Yeah.
08:26Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
08:29I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
08:30Oh, God.
08:33Oh, no, no.
08:35No.
08:37Grab me one of those, actually.
08:44Christ, Jemmy, mum's still being a nightmare.
08:46Tell you what, I'm coming over.
08:48You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
08:52Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
08:54I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
08:55Mm-hmm.
08:56Spare sheets?
08:57Mum's room.
08:58But I'm not allowed in there.
08:59She said very firmly I was not to go in there.
09:02We are definitely going in there.
09:04Okay.
09:10What do you think she's hiding?
09:11God knows.
09:12But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
09:16What the fuck?
09:20Oh, my God.
09:22What a bougie bitch.
09:24She's punishing me, isn't she?
09:26For being a dick when I was a newborn.
09:28Well, she's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
09:32No!
09:33I'll get it.
09:33And whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
09:35You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
09:37I am.
09:41Dan?
09:42Hey.
09:43Gemma?
09:44Er, yeah.
09:45No!
09:46Oh, no!
09:49I didn't want to keep messaging so I finally just came over.
09:52I've got presents.
09:53For you and for Sadie.
09:57Sand, mate.
09:59Sadie's having a nap.
10:01I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
10:05Oh.
10:06Oh.
10:07You want me to leave?
10:09Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
10:11I mean, look at the state of her.
10:13Fuck off.
10:15Thank you.
10:16Another time?
10:18Another time?
10:20Sure.
10:21Soz.
10:30So.
10:32How are we gonna get rid of your ex?
10:35Well, we have to.
10:37I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
10:39Aww.
10:40I don't give a fuck.
10:41I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
10:47We could...
10:49No, you'd never go for it.
10:50What?
10:52We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkaleta.
10:57No.
11:01No.
11:01Nah, nah, I didn't think you'd go for it.
11:03Ugh.
11:04I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
11:06You know, if we did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my
11:09idea, you know?
11:11Spoken like a true soy boy.
11:16Nice job.
11:17Wait, how do we get in now?
11:20It's like a calf flap.
11:22A bop.
11:22For fellas.
11:24That is...
11:26...absolutely...
11:27...fucking genius!
11:31Shall I go?
11:32After you.
11:33The maiden voyage?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Meow!
11:39You know what doesn't need sterilising?
11:42Tits.
11:43Tits.
11:43Yeah.
11:44Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
11:46I just use formula sometimes cos it helps me out.
11:49Oh.
11:49It's all about her, isn't it?
11:52Selfish mummy.
11:53Baby wants nip-nip.
11:55I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
11:58It's only right and fair you do the same.
12:00God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
12:03See the world.
12:05More of it.
12:06New bits of it.
12:08I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
12:09You need me.
12:11Oh.
12:11Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
12:13OK, well, can you change her cos I've got to finish this?
12:16Sorry, love, I can't.
12:17I'm off for a bikini wax.
12:19Full Hollywood.
12:20Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days.
12:23I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
12:27Oh, my God.
12:28Used to be different, of course.
12:29When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
12:33You know, to clean her on the way out like those big brushes at the car wash.
12:38Is that what they told you?
12:39Do you know, never once got brought up.
12:42And I won't be home for dinner.
12:44But it's your turn to cook.
12:46I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
12:50My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
12:53Because she was in a coma.
12:55I know.
12:56Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
12:59I was quite jealous.
13:00Love ya.
13:01Love ya.
13:04Oh, baby.
13:08Should we kill Nana?
13:11Yeah.
13:12Yeah.
13:15Should we kill Nana?
13:20Or should we kill Mummy instead?
13:23Mummy's...
13:24What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
13:26Dad!
13:27Gemma!
13:28I can't take living with Mum anymore.
13:30Padwa get in.
13:30Use the flap!
13:32Use the flap!
13:33Don't be ridiculous.
13:35All right.
13:35Come round the back.
13:36But don't tell anyone there's a door there!
13:41It's my door.
13:45Go round the back.
13:47Round the back.
13:51Whoa!
13:53Is this where you've been staying?
13:55No, I've got an airbed on the landing.
13:57My personal private space is very important to me.
14:00Especially at night.
14:02Mm-hmm.
14:03Why's that?
14:04He plays Minecraft.
14:05Shut the fuck up.
14:07Yeah.
14:07So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
14:12Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
14:15Okay.
14:15Good.
14:16So, we make her something.
14:19With tomatoes.
14:20Erm, a soup, perhaps.
14:22Then she ends up unconscious.
14:24So we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's
14:28and it was a dream all along.
14:29Er, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
14:31It just makes her tongue itch.
14:32Oh, for fuck's sake.
14:33She's also allergic to horses.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36Excellent.
14:36Okay.
14:36I can work with that.
14:37Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
14:40Hanging out with.
14:41Great.
14:42So here's what we do.
14:43We, erm, fill the flat.
14:47With horses.
14:48Erm, three horses.
14:50Four horses?
14:52No.
14:52Okay.
14:53Different tack.
14:54Er, what is she afraid of?
14:57Love.
14:58Emotional intimacy.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Brian.
15:02Yes, Deggsy, mate.
15:03Yeah, yeah, I know.
15:05I think I've got an idea.
15:08Oh, come on, then.
15:09What are you thinking?
15:11Okay.
15:12So.
15:14The only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of
15:18is getting back together with Dad.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Which is why he's gonna propose to her.
15:24Propose what?
15:25Propose marriage.
15:27No way.
15:28Oh, God.
15:29How much sleep did you get last night?
15:31All in one go.
15:3137 minutes.
15:32And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
15:34This is a good idea.
15:35Okay?
15:36This is a good idea.
15:37I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
15:38Oh, no, no.
15:39It's a great idea, love.
15:40It's a great idea.
15:41It's a shit idea.
15:42But it's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
15:45Thank you, Derek.
15:46God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
15:47All right, don't overdo it.
15:48Has she seen her GP recently?
15:50Can't do it.
15:52I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
15:54And I need her out.
15:55Come on.
15:56Come on.
15:57Come on.
15:58Come on.
16:03I don't want to do this.
16:06What about those horses?
16:07Are they still available?
16:08Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
16:10But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again,
16:12so it's up to you, I guess.
16:14Dad, she needs to go.
16:15Remember?
16:18I'll, er...
16:18I'll give it a go.
16:21Okay.
16:21Okay.
16:23We'll be listening.
16:27This is going to be a disaster, isn't it?
16:30Never missing it, Gemma, is it?
16:31Don't you fucking dare.
16:48Malcolm.
16:50You mean...
16:51You look, erm...
16:53Danny.
16:55Come on, Dad.
16:57Why are you here?
17:00Why, er...
17:01Was it like a glass of water?
17:02No.
17:03Yes, me too.
17:09Er...
17:09Right.
17:11Haven't you back in our lives
17:13the last three months?
17:14Gemma's life.
17:15Barely seen you.
17:17Been hiding at Castelluzza.
17:19It's, er...
17:21Well, it's made me...
17:22realise...
17:23God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
17:27The hole...
17:29You left.
17:30Hole.
17:32Mm-hmm.
17:34And I'd like us to, erm...
17:38Rekindle...
17:40our relationship.
17:41You are?
17:43Oh.
17:44I thought you were gonna ask me for the money back from the house sale.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Oh, but can I have that money back?
17:49No.
17:50Oh.
17:54Well, er...
17:55Erm...
17:55I, er...
17:56Whatever I said...
17:59Whatever I did, you know...
18:04I didn't mean it.
18:06It's Barlow.
18:07He's gone Barlow.
18:08I...
18:09Just...
18:10Wanting you back for good.
18:11I...
18:12Gemma!
18:14Shit!
18:18What's going on?
18:20Dad wants you back!
18:21Does he?
18:22Shh!
18:23Yeah!
18:23Yeah!
18:24Definitely back for good, yeah.
18:26Do ya?
18:28Right, well I don't want him back.
18:30Mum, it's so cute!
18:31He says he's madly in love with you
18:32and that he will not leave this house
18:34until you agree to remarry him.
18:37Did ya?
18:38Oh, matey, don't I?
18:40Such a fucking silly boy.
18:41I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
18:45Oh, go on, you lot.
18:46Clear out.
18:47Got a sausage man coming round in a bit.
18:49Hope we did our best, didn't we?
18:50If you say sausage man.
18:53Okay.
18:53Mum, how about this?
18:57Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
19:01Oh, fucking hell.
19:02Yeah.
19:03I mean, I love you,
19:05but if you don't go,
19:05I'm gonna chuck myself out that window.
19:07Aren't we on the ground floor?
19:08Shut up.
19:09It's the sausage men,
19:10the late nights,
19:11the slim fast,
19:12the eating my biscuits.
19:14Oh, I know you do,
19:14cos I've seen you take them.
19:16Okay?
19:17You're driving me insane.
19:18Either you go,
19:19or me and Sadie will,
19:20and it's my name on the lease,
19:21that'll be really fucking annoying.
19:32This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
19:35I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
19:38What the fuck?
19:39I literally just said that.
19:41I can't stay here forever,
19:43much as you'd like me to.
19:44The world is calling me back to it.
19:49You understand, don't you, love?
19:52Yeah.
19:55I don't understand anything about it.
20:00The first few weeks of having Sadie,
20:02I couldn't have coped without you.
20:05Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
20:11I do have one tiny bit of advice.
20:14This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
20:18Work out what it is what you want,
20:21and start reaching for her before you go back to work.
20:24Cos once the grind starts,
20:27work, baby, life,
20:30you'll be trapped.
20:33Right.
20:34Your tax is here.
20:35And before you know it,
20:37you'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
20:39It's the mistake I made.
20:41And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
20:44Okay.
20:45Thanks.
20:49Good luck, love.
21:07Yeah.
21:08There you go.
21:11Fresh sheets, eh?
21:13I've just put a clothes wash on.
21:17And I was thinking,
21:19you know, the next couple of nights,
21:21I can do her feeds for you,
21:22and you can get some sleep.
21:24Thank you.
21:27I'm so glad to be back, love.
21:28I've missed you so much.
21:30Miss both of you.
21:31We have missed you.
21:32We have missed you.
21:34And I want you to know,
21:36that I will never ever leave you again.
21:41Not until that one goes to university anyway.
21:47You rest now, eh?
21:56Oh, hey, there's a Pope Pioneer.
22:02I'm on maternity leave.
22:04I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
22:06He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
22:09And takes his top off.
22:12There's a dog in here,
22:13there's a massive dog in here.
22:14Oh, elbow punch!
22:15My boobs are about to explode.
22:17Are they fake?
22:18No, you bellend.
22:19They're full of milk.
22:20Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
22:21I bet it's the caravan park.
22:23It won't be the caravan park.
22:25The holiday's a disaster.
22:26Shut up, shut up, shut up!
22:28I thought maybe you'd do it on space.
22:30What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
22:33We're totally fucking lost,
22:35and Malcolm is missing a boot!
22:36Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that ball, didn't I?
22:39I want to provide a better life for my baby.
22:42It's spunking its eggs down my throat!
22:44Woo!
22:44I have been dabbling with better paid other employment.
22:47Why do you even want this job?
22:48Because I love marketing.
22:50Nobody loves marketing.
22:51Congratulations, Gemma, you've just joined the rat race.
23:21All right, thanks guys!
23:21Thank you!
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