- 1 day ago
Smoggie Q.u.e.e.ns - Season 2 Episode 6 - A Smoggie Show
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06Life is too short. You've got to follow your dreams now, or it might be too late.
00:15What are you doing?
00:18Lucinda, would you do me the greatest honor?
00:22Of being my wife.
00:31Well, what did you say?
00:33I was like, no fucking way, Neil. I've known you for less than a year, you freak.
00:37Can you be quite pleased, Lucinda? I need you to focus.
00:41My drag show is in four hours, and you're not going to know what to do in the show if
00:44you keep chatting.
00:46Mum, are you all good with the sound cues?
00:48About that, I'm not going to be able to make the show, Dickie.
00:51What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show?
00:53It's that flipping speed camera. They're making me do a speed awareness course and it clashes.
00:57What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
00:59Here, let me text Mel. She's good with lesbian stuff like that.
01:04And what about the end of the show? You're meant to be lifting me up for my big show-stopping
01:07finale number.
01:08Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together? I went to the gym last Tuesday.
01:14Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart. Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me up with your head.
01:18You need to calm down, hon. You're not performing at the Palladium, for God's sake.
01:21Well, I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda.
01:24Fear not, Dickie Chicky. The course only lasts an hour, so I shall be able to shoot back and make
01:28the end of the show.
01:30Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dixter? It's just a show.
01:33It's not just a show, Sal, you silly knobhead!
01:37Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along, so it needs to go well.
01:43Ooh, that's exciting. Have any replied?
01:45Well, you could say that. What does that mean?
01:50Well, I've had a few out-of-office replies.
01:54Right, let's go again from the top, please. Come on. First positions, everyone!
02:02When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
02:15What's it looking like out there, Sal?
02:17It's filling up, babe. Think you'll have a good crowd.
02:19Hey, can you see any agents?
02:21It's... it's hard to tell.
02:23Is Mel here yet?
02:23Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front.
02:25She'd better not fuck this up for me, Sal.
02:27I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time.
02:30Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today.
02:33Hope you don't mind.
02:34You could have told me first, Dickie. I'm still not talking to him.
02:37I'm sure you'll call it, babe.
02:38Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre.
02:41I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am.
02:43Yes, Jake. Yeah. Chekhov, Pinter, Zoopla. I've done a lot.
02:48Monologues coming out my arse.
02:49I'd love to hear one of your monologues. Can you remember any?
02:53It's been such a long time.
02:55Oh, no worries. That makes sense.
02:56June 15th, 1856.
03:03Wilbur went to gather eggs in the barn.
03:06And when he walked back in, he was crying.
03:12I said, what on God's green earth does that matter, Wilbur?
03:16He pointed at the window.
03:20I looked out.
03:23It was raining.
03:26Raining for the first time in 15 years.
03:31Wilbur was crying with joy at the fact that crops could finally have a chance for life.
03:41Oh, wow.
03:42Beautiful performance now.
03:43Wow, ma'am. Permitting.
03:44Second, absolutely exceptional.
03:45Oh, friggin' hell.
03:47Better get going.
03:47What about this friggin' speed awareness course?
03:49Promise me you'll be back in time for the finale.
03:51You've got to lift me up, remember?
03:52Course, chick.
03:53Ta-ra.
03:53Ta-ra by then.
03:54See you later.
03:57Hey, you dickie.
03:58Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute.
04:00Oh, absolutely no props, babes.
04:02Luckily, I had a small window in my schedule.
04:06Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us.
04:09Anyway, I think they're all in now, so whenever you're ready.
04:12I'm ready.
04:14I'm ready.
04:15You said that was some determination.
04:18I'm ready.
04:20Ladies and gentlemen, and all those in between, please put your hands together for Dickie.
04:40Yes, it's me. Dickie.
04:44And I'm finally getting married.
04:47And not just to anyone.
04:48I'm getting married to a duke.
04:52I'm getting married.
04:55I'm getting married to a duke.
04:58To who?
05:00To a duke.
05:02Oh.
05:03Oh, and look, my bridesmaids are here.
05:06And they're telling me how beautiful I look.
05:09You look beautiful.
05:10Very nice, yeah.
05:11They won't upstage me though.
05:13Because they're disgusting.
05:15I'm getting married.
05:18I'm getting married to a duke.
05:22To who?
05:23To a duke.
05:25Oh.
05:26He'll bring me flowers in the morning.
05:30He'll kiss my cheek without pre-warning.
05:34And then we'll fuck.
05:36Oh.
05:37Oh.
05:38We will dance in the rain.
05:41He'll make me feel insane.
05:45Oh.
05:47Oh.
05:49Oh.
05:50Oh.
05:53Oh.
06:11Oh.
06:15Oh.
06:16Right.
06:17Oh, hey then.
06:17Settle down.
06:20Welcome to the Speed Awareness Course.
06:22My name's Vanessa Yarris.
06:23And over the next couple of hours, I will be attempting to help you all pass the course.
06:27Failure to pass means you'll have your driving licence taken off you.
06:31Yeah.
06:31And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today, I will be clamping the fucking thing.
06:35So.
06:36You better pass.
06:38Uh.
06:38Sorry, Jake.
06:39Did you just say the next couple of hours?
06:41I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes.
06:44Well, it would be 60 minutes if you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour.
06:49But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch.
06:53Right.
06:53First things first.
06:55Do any of you own a Toyota Yarris?
06:59Uh, yeah.
07:00I used to have one, but I sold it last year.
07:03Why on earth would you do that?
07:07I'm sorry I'm late.
07:08I was so scared to get caught speeding again that I ended up driving 10 mile an hour the
07:11whole way here.
07:13Whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:14Where do you think you're off to?
07:17Uh, something's come up.
07:18Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave.
07:22And that means no more driving for you for the next year.
07:31It's all so.
07:35Let me take you back to chapter one.
07:38My childhood.
07:44Give it in, give it in.
07:46Oh, God.
07:47One, go.
07:47No.
07:50When I was young, I was a skinny porpa boy living on the streets of Middlesbrough.
07:55And my best friend was a small, weird rat.
08:07Oh, Ratty, I love hanging around with you.
08:10Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am,
08:13I know that I could never be as repulsive as you.
08:16You're right, Dickie.
08:18I'm a grotesque, ugly rat who shits himself on an hourly basis.
08:23Hey, I've got an idea.
08:26Let's be blood brothers.
08:30Ow, ah, ah.
08:33And then we drank each other's blood, and I got a horrendous rat disease.
08:41Just don't get why it's always at least half an hour later.
08:44Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
08:47Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him.
08:50Plus, he mentioned he's got an act to play me in the show,
08:52and I want to see who he's got.
08:55There it is. The truth comes out.
08:57It's actually all about you.
08:59Oh, come on. Let's just go in.
09:00I couldn't think of anything worse than watching that absolute loser show
09:04in an old folks' home, babe.
09:05Yeah, go on.
09:06I'll wait in the car.
09:07Well, suit yourself.
09:13Oh, my God. I'm absolutely buzzing. They can't get enough of me out there.
09:17Did you see that guy in the front row? He was proper dancing along.
09:19He was actually having a seizure, Dickie. He had to wheel him out.
09:23Oh, did anyone see any agents?
09:25I was trying to have a look, but it's hard when you're in the zone,
09:28do you know what I mean?
09:28Maybe. I was also in the zone, so I didn't really notice.
09:32I suppose there was people there that could have been agents
09:34when they were younger.
09:35Yeah.
09:35You know, it's true what they say, isn't it?
09:38There really is no business like show business.
09:41Oi!
09:43How long are you lot going to be in here?
09:46I can't hear myself. Think.
09:49Hiya, Dickie.
09:50Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary.
09:51Did you get the script I sent you?
09:52I did, yeah.
09:53I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together,
09:56possibly go through a few changes.
09:58Afraid not, babes.
09:59I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway.
10:01It's the story of my life.
10:02It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with.
10:05Oh, you've got to hold yourself, Gary. It's called acting.
10:09Sorry, Dickie.
10:10I was under the impression it was just going to be, like,
10:12a 20-minute drag show, not an autobiographical musical.
10:17And the residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers.
10:20So if you could just speed things up a bit, kid,
10:22I'd really appreciate that.
10:26Did you hear that?
10:27They're gagging for me to get back on stage.
10:29Come on, then, you lot.
10:31The show must go on.
10:33Want to watch the show, Beryl?
10:35No, not for me.
10:36I can't stand drag queens, fruity twats.
10:42Fair enough, babe.
10:46Brum, brum!
10:49This is the steering wheel of truth.
10:52And when you're holding it,
10:53I want the honest truth from all of you
10:56about why you chose to speed.
11:03OK, erm, well, my name is Paula.
11:07I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
11:10Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
11:13No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20.
11:15You see, I've just moved back to the area,
11:17and when I lived here before, it was 30.
11:19I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton.
11:22Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please.
11:27My name is Mum.
11:28And what is your truth, Mum?
11:32I don't think you can handle my truth.
11:36Oh, I think I'll be OK.
11:38All right.
11:39The truth is I have struggled every day for the past 15 years
11:42because the mother of my child
11:44decided to take my son away from me!
11:47Right.
11:49And what speed were you doing?
11:50Well, my truth is
11:51that the husband I loved
11:53had been lying to me about who he was
11:55for our entire marriage.
11:57May I remind the group
11:59how extremely difficult it was to come out back then?
12:02All I wanted was acceptance,
12:03and all I got was rejection!
12:05I'd like to remind the group
12:07that rejection comes in many forms,
12:09and being suddenly told
12:11that your husband of 10 years
12:12has never actually found you sexually attractive
12:15can feel pretty damn rejecting.
12:23Oh, fucking hell!
12:24What the fuck was that?
12:26It's called Hazard Perception, mate.
12:28Today, it was just a ball.
12:30Tomorrow, could be a child.
12:37Chapter 5
12:39Coming Out
12:41You know, guys,
12:42not a lot of people know this about me
12:44because I'm such a confident, horny guy,
12:46but coming out to my family was hard.
12:49There was one family member in particular
12:51who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality.
12:54Uncle Gary.
12:59I loved Uncle Gary,
13:01but he hated the gays.
13:03One day I thought,
13:04you know what, fuck it.
13:05I'm going to come out to him.
13:10Hey, Uncle Gary.
13:12Hello, Dickie.
13:17I hate all homosexuals.
13:21I'd add another note.
13:22I was just in the area
13:24and thought I'd pop in
13:25and see if you fancied
13:26coming to watch a game
13:27at the pub this weekend.
13:28What do you mean by game?
13:30Croquet?
13:31Nah, mate.
13:32The footy.
13:34Oh, that.
13:36I guess I'll think about it.
13:38Anyway,
13:39I've got to tell you something.
13:41I'm gay.
13:43Right.
13:44Well, in that case,
13:46I don't want anything to do with you,
13:48you massive willy-woofer.
13:56So there I was,
13:58cast out by my uncle,
14:00hoist by my own petard.
14:03What was a young, virile, homosexual to do?
14:06But then suddenly I had a brainwave.
14:09I had to go straight.
14:10God, if I was straight,
14:12maybe, maybe Uncle Gary
14:14would finally accept me.
14:25So,
14:26you been keeping well?
14:28I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.
14:30Right.
14:31No problem.
14:34I don't even know what you want from me.
14:36I thought you didn't want to talk.
14:37I don't.
14:41Don't get why you're here.
14:43I got caught doing a 30 in a 20 zone.
14:47Not here.
14:49Here.
14:50Look,
14:52I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry.
14:54And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
14:58Forcing all my friends to disown me?
15:00Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
15:04Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved to Bury St. fucking Edmunds?
15:07I didn't know how to cope with it.
15:09I mean,
15:10I'd never met a gay person before.
15:12You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto.
15:14It wasn't easy for me either.
15:16I loved you
15:17and you'd been lying to me.
15:18It wasn't as simple as that.
15:19Really?
15:29It...
15:37It was a weird time.
15:41I didn't know who I was.
15:42I didn't even know what I was.
15:45And so, yes, I...
15:48I lied about certain things and for that, I'm sorry.
15:55But one thing I didn't lie about was the love I had for you.
16:01I freaking loved you, Paula.
16:04And I loved...
16:06I still love our son.
16:09I never wanted Ed to be without his dad.
16:11I was just trying to protect him.
16:13Protect him from what?
16:14The scary big wig, the evil eyeliner, the terrifying tits.
16:18The one from the bullies at his school
16:20who tormented him when they found out about you.
16:25He was bullied.
16:26You didn't know that, did you?
16:31I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
16:34For Ed and for me.
16:36But I wasn't.
16:37It was wrong.
16:39And I'm really, really sorry.
16:46Ow!
16:46How's it perception, mate?
16:50How do I do it, you guys?
16:53I can't be straight.
16:54I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
16:59I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
17:03Mel!
17:04That's your cue.
17:09How do I become the man
17:11Uncle Gary wants me to be?
17:16How do I do it?
17:19What do I do to do it?
17:23Come on, Dickie.
17:24You've been in the closet before.
17:27It's time to climb back in.
17:29If I want to become straight,
17:31I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys.
17:35But what sort of things do they wear?
17:39Wait.
17:40I got it.
17:42Boot-cut jeans.
17:45I remember boot-cut jeans.
17:50Oh, you guys.
17:52Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right.
17:56What sort of things do these straight guys say?
18:00Come on, Dickie.
18:02Think!
18:04Wait.
18:05I've got it.
18:07She's fit.
18:09That lass over there is fit.
18:14I like her bum and her boobs and her mascara.
18:22Guys, I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'm straight.
18:28Black up your daughters.
18:30I'm coming for your daughters.
18:35Give me your daughters.
18:37Give me your daughters.
18:48Right, it's the interval now, so...
18:50Quick, get this jacket on me, Sal.
18:52I've had to get Stuart to do his shit-tap routine
18:55and he's probably sucking the energy out of the room.
19:03Where the hell's Neil?
19:05Oh, thank Christ.
19:06What time did you call this, Neil?
19:07Sorry, Dickie.
19:08Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here.
19:11One of them took my shoe.
19:14I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil.
19:17Here, this is a script.
19:18You're playing the role of Harrison.
19:20I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand,
19:22so familiarise yourself with it, please.
19:24Sal, I need you to get hold of Mum and find out how long she's going to be.
19:27Aye, aye, Captain.
19:30Remember, Neil.
19:31Don't be shit.
19:33Could not.
19:35Right.
19:36Do you want the good news or the bad news?
19:39Bad news is, I've got the status.
19:42Again.
19:43And the good news is, it's the end of the course and you've all passed.
19:46Fucking get in!
19:48Except for you.
19:50What?
19:51By me?
19:51Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do should be allowed to drive.
19:55You sold your, Yaris.
19:57Clearly you're not right in the fucking head.
20:01Laters!
20:04Hey, you fucking moron.
20:06Hey, you fucking moron.
20:08Hey, you fucking moron.
20:18I heard you might be about.
20:21Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.
20:22I've got something to show you.
20:24What is it, Neil?
20:25Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
20:27Well.
20:28Are you kidding me?
20:29Oh, no, look.
20:33Coriander?
20:34No, it's meant to say Lucinda.
20:38I suppose I can sort of see that.
20:47Well, are you going to kiss or not?
20:51Chapter 17.
20:53Heartbreak.
20:54I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.
20:58Well, his name was Harrison.
21:11Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me, which I thought was cruel, albeit true.
21:20Hello, Harrison, my love.
21:22Oh, hi.
21:23You fucking moron.
21:24I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen, but I'm dropping
21:29you like a sack of shit.
21:31No.
21:32No, don't do this.
21:34Think about the life we built together.
21:36Get to fuck.
21:40I'm sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.
21:43I can't help my beauty.
21:46Yeah, that's not how it happened.
21:51I've literally just come out, Salchick.
21:54I'm sprinting all the way now.
21:56Okay, see you in a bit.
21:57The absolute bellend!
22:00Need a lift?
22:05No, I'll manage, thanks.
22:10Hi, chick.
22:11Where the hell are you?
22:12We're nearly at the finale.
22:13I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time.
22:16We need your strong arms for the ending.
22:18Mam?
22:19Mam?
22:25I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my queues.
22:29I'm trying my hardest, mate, but your queue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.
22:34Excuses, excuses.
22:41I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years.
22:45Oh.
22:51Listen, before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.
23:03He's a proper adult now and everything.
23:08Thanks for the lift.
23:12I know those are my earrings, by the way.
23:16Find to keep them.
23:25My wedding to the duke is finally here.
23:29But who is the duke, I hear you all cry.
23:34Oh, here he is now.
23:38Who is the duke?
23:41The duke is me.
23:44Because the person I've grown to love is myself.
23:57That's right, boys.
23:59Dickie's back.
24:01Dickie never even left.
24:03Hey, you guys.
24:05You want to know a secret?
24:07Yeah.
24:07Yeah.
24:08I had an epiphany today.
24:11What was your epiphany, Dickie?
24:12Oh, you really want to know my epiphany?
24:16Yeah.
24:17Cooey.
24:19Oh, it's you.
24:21All right, Arabella.
24:22What are you doing here?
24:23Oh, just picking up Mel.
24:25We've got a hot date tonight.
24:27Right.
24:33Probably going to be a real steamy sesh tonight if you catch my drift.
24:40That's great to hear, babe.
24:43Okay, I'll tell you.
24:44My epiphany was that I don't need no man.
24:49You want to know why?
24:58You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this, but Mel isn't into weird moral creatures,
25:05so I'd give up now if I were you.
25:07Are you taking the piss?
25:09No, babe.
25:10I'm not taking the piss.
25:13Read my lips.
25:15She's not going to fuck you.
25:21Howie, then, dickhead.
25:22Let's go.
25:23Come here.
25:24Get you filthy hands off me.
25:26Get Maiden Chelsea, cow.
25:29Lift me higher, boys.
25:32Higher for fuck's sake.
25:34We're trying.
25:35You're too heavy.
25:36Try to say, Lucinda.
25:38Let the whole world see that I don't need a man.
25:42Because I got me.
25:45I'm in love.
25:46I'm in love.
25:47I'm in love.
25:48I'm in love.
25:50You should do it like this.
25:51I'm in love with myself.
25:57Fucking hell.
26:00She is a fucking liability.
26:02I'm not joking, babe.
26:03The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.
26:22What a show!
26:24Yeah, listen, I was wondering if you had representation.
26:28That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.
26:32Ah, the name's Shingles.
26:34Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.
26:38I'd like to buy you a coffee and have a chat about representing you.
26:42No way!
26:43Barry, come on.
26:45You're overdue your meds.
26:47Bobby, he's got a business card and everything.
26:48It's a cheese slice, mate.
26:51Oh, the name's Shingles.
26:54Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.
26:58Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.
27:00No, no.
27:00He's the next big thing, I tell you.
27:04Well done, Dickie.
27:07It was...
27:09Well, it was different.
27:11Cheers, Beth.
27:15E, what are you doing now?
27:17Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
27:21Suppose I could have half a sherry.
27:24What are you still doing in here?
27:25You finished ages ago.
27:28Howie?
27:29Actually, I'm going to get Dickie a quick drink at the pub.
27:33Er, no, you're not.
27:36Er, yeah, I am.
27:40Fuck this.
27:50E, congrats on your tap routine today, hon.
27:53They bloody loved it.
27:54You practically stole the show.
27:56Lucinda?
27:57What's that right here?
28:00What's that, ma'am?
28:01Er, it's a photo of Ed.
28:04Who the fuck's Ed?
28:05It's my son.
28:06It's all grown up.
28:08It's given to me by Paula.
28:13Let us see, ma'am.
28:14Oh, well.
28:16Oh, ma'am.
28:20Oh, my God.
28:25He's fit as fuck him like.
28:28Oh, me.
28:30Oh, my God.
28:31Oh, my God.
28:43Oh, my God.
28:47Oh, my God.
28:47Oh, my God.
28:50Oh, my God.
28:50Oh, my God.
28:50Oh, my God.
28:50Oh, my God.
28:51Oh, my God.
28:51Oh, my God.
28:51Oh, my God.
28:52Oh, my God.
28:55Oh, my God.
Comments