- 1 day ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 8
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06We are here at Loch Ness, investigating the world's greatest mystery, Nessie.
00:16Where is she?
00:18Who's seen her?
00:24Oh hello, are you looking for me?
00:30That felt pretty realistic.
00:33Woohoo!
00:35We're here baby.
00:37Most travellers avoid bad reviews.
00:39Let's see what the review says.
00:41One star.
00:41One star.
00:42I've never seen anything more stupid.
00:44If I could give it zero stars I would.
00:46But not us.
00:47I'm a woman in a man's world, I make up my own mind.
00:50I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:51I'm brilliant at this.
00:53I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:54Come on fishy fishy.
00:56We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
01:00As someone who has received bad reviews, they will always try to look to the good.
01:03So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
01:06They were so busy typing in their phone moaning, they've got to look out.
01:09And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
01:12I'm closer, it's nothing to be afraid of.
01:14My review is 100 stars.
01:17But will this journey of salvation be a five star fun fest?
01:21I'm an absolute killer!
01:23Yes!
01:24Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
01:27Oh!
01:28Oh!
01:29Oh!
01:31Oh!
01:32Oh!
01:53Oh!
01:53Oh!
01:54Oh!
01:54Oh!
01:55Oh!
01:55Oh!
01:55I've got to go to my dad's van.
01:56Did you?
01:56Yeah.
01:57Drive round Loch Ness.
01:58I'm sort of an expert actually!
01:59I love Scotland.
02:00I love the Scottish people.
02:02They've got brilliant accents, senses of humour.
02:04I love the history, and I really love the Loch Ness monster.
02:07Brett, do you want to read a review?
02:09Do you want to hear a review? Read it to me.
02:11You know it's my favourite thing to start a trip.
02:13Munstar, we travelled 400 miles from Grimsby
02:16to see the Loch Ness Munster and it didn't show up.
02:19Don't go if you're wanting to see it
02:21because you'll end up basically disappointed.
02:25From Grimsby!
02:27How confident am I that I'm going to find Nessie?
02:33Cockshaw?
02:34Do you know what's really exciting? Go on.
02:35There was a sighting last week and it was in the newspaper.
02:39It's official.
02:41Nessie's back. Our fave monster has been missing since May.
02:44Only since May.
02:45That's the last time he was officially seen.
02:46I'm really excited. I really believe we can do this.
02:50Just outside of Inverness in the Scottish Islands
02:53lies Loch Ness.
02:55It holds more water than all the lakes in England and Wales
02:59put together.
03:00And maybe, just maybe, the Loch Ness monster.
03:07This celebrity beast brings in around £41 million a year
03:12to the Scottish economy.
03:13And she doesn't even have a make-up range.
03:15People come from all over the world to find Nessie,
03:18but we reckon all it needs is two great gal pals to crack the case.
03:21And to prove our commitment to the hunt, we're staying in a hotel attached to Nessieland,
03:27one of the area's worst-rated Nessie attractions.
03:30Yum.
03:31It's like Hogwarts.
03:33Let's see what the review says to ruin it for us.
03:36What do you think it is?
03:37Five stars, really great. You girls deserve a treat.
03:39One star, a certain comedy about a hotel in Torquay sprang to mind, but without the comedy.
03:45So it's that unfunny Fawlty Towers.
03:48Do you find Fawlty Towers funny?
03:50I find it very funny, but I think I'd like an unfunny one as well.
03:53That's The Shining.
03:54Yeah.
03:56Great, then we're all going to be fine.
03:58Yeah.
03:59One online reviewer called the hotel Loch Ness,
04:03others had compared it to a 70s porn set,
04:06and one furious reviewer wrote this damning review.
04:09The TV was in German.
04:12I hear pointless is better auf Deutsch.
04:16Welcome to Loch Ness Lodge Hotel. How are we today?
04:19Good. This is a nice hotel.
04:21It's very wooden.
04:21Normally we ask our guests to sign for the room.
04:25Do you ask if they're here to find the Loch Ness Monster?
04:28Are you here to find the Loch Ness Monster?
04:29Abso-fucking-lutely.
04:32Have you seen Nessie?
04:33No.
04:34When you grow up around it, you kind of desensitise to the whole thing.
04:39It's like growing up in a showbiz family.
04:41Yeah, absolutely.
04:42You grew up when Nessie was just a family friend.
04:44Yeah.
04:46So, just this way, ladies.
04:49And who's this guy?
04:50Oh, that's James Fraser, the from Outlander.
04:55I don't know who painted it, but...
04:56The actor.
04:57That's good stuff.
04:59Yeah.
05:00This is your room.
05:01There you go. That's the key.
05:03OK, I'll leave you to it, ladies.
05:04It's absolutely massive.
05:06It's good. I like a bit of tartan, not over-tartan.
05:09I know it's not, like, really modern, but I don't think people come in to look for a creature that's
05:13existed for over 1,500 years are into modernity.
05:17No. This mirror makes it all worthwhile for me.
05:19Wow. I hate my middle. This is perfect.
05:23Don't have to look at my bum.
05:24Just look at my feet and my face.
05:26If you're into Nessie, I imagine it's location, location, location.
05:30This room's fine. I wouldn't be like, oh, I'm going to rebook it for my tenth wedding anniversary.
05:35But it's big.
05:36I've got to cancel my present for you.
05:40Now for the main attraction, Nessie Land.
05:46According to the internet, it's either the place we'll discover the facts behind the mystery or possibly the worst tourist
05:54attraction in the world.
05:55Looks like we've got our first Nessie-related mystery to solve.
05:58We start with manager and Nessie spotter, Mark.
06:02Hi, Mark.
06:03Hello.
06:04Good afternoon, ladies. How are we doing? I'm Mark. I'm the manager slash consultant of Nessie Land.
06:08Oh, consultant. Very professional.
06:10The Nessie Land expert, if you like.
06:12So you must have seen the Loch Ness Monster.
06:14I haven't personally seen it. Not yet. But I've spoken to lots of people that have.
06:20They definitely saw something monster-shaped come out of it across the loch. Long neck, humps, all that sort of
06:25stuff.
06:25So what do you believe?
06:26I believe there's something strange going on out there. I don't know what it is.
06:29No.
06:30You know, it could be something that's as yet undiscovered. I don't think it's a dinosaur that survived all these
06:34years. That's scientifically impossible.
06:36OK.
06:37But it could be something trapped in time, like a ghostly thing.
06:42Yeah, because that's not scientifically.
06:43No, now we're talking.
06:44Yeah, you know, that would explain why it remains undetected.
06:47This guy has got some really out there theories. His mind is so open that everything can get in there.
06:52I love the idea that the Loch Ness Monster is a time traveller.
06:55What does she think of our times? What must she know? How do we stop climate change, Nessie?
07:00What's this extreme ghost hunters got to do with Nessie?
07:03OK, well, we do a YouTube channel called Extreme Ghost Hunters.
07:06When we did the episode of Loch Ness, we picked up a ghostly wailing sound, like a creature.
07:11What did it sound like?
07:13I can play it to you.
07:13Oh, God.
07:15I thought you were going to do an impression.
07:16HE LAUGHS
07:21HE LAUGHS
07:23Here we go, folks.
07:24Durkart Castle has been the most prominent spot for all the Nessie sightings throughout the years.
07:28So, let's see what we can get.
07:33Hear it?
07:35It's like an elephant.
07:37Yep.
07:37Mark is the kind of person that, when you go travelling, you hope to meet.
07:41Because you walk in there and you think he's going to be some bored guy, sort of like, yeah, yeah.
07:45But he's like, oh, Nessie's a time warper and I've seen ghosts and...
07:49We've barely got...
07:50It's just in the gift shop.
07:52Mark's theories have raised a lot of questions.
07:54Time to see if Nessieland has the answers.
07:57Enjoy.
07:58Thank you very much.
07:59And let me know what you think.
08:00Thank you, my love.
08:01Cheers.
08:03The £6 entry family tourist attraction has been described online as
08:07absolutely pathetically bad,
08:09dismal land
08:10and a place where dreams go to die.
08:13All right.
08:14It's a budget day out, not Chernobyl.
08:16Oh, my goodness.
08:18Well, that is a big old Nessie.
08:20It's like going to a museum about something that they have no evidence of.
08:23So, it's just like a book on the wall with lights.
08:26I can see why people would be like, oh, I could just do this on my phone in the car.
08:31I think there should be a splash.
08:33That doesn't cost much money if you haven't got the budget.
08:35I think just at some point, even the noise of a splash.
08:40I think, just give them something.
08:42Give them like, oh, what was that?
08:43Nessie.
08:45Well, Nessieland's made a big splash with this fact fan.
08:49I'm really interested in it.
08:50And, you know, this is so much stuff that I don't know about.
08:53There's been a lot of recent sightings.
08:55This is good for us.
08:57When I was a child when we came here,
08:58I thought that when I put my hand in the water,
09:02Nessie would know, oh, that kid's got an open heart
09:04and really believes in me, and then she would just come over.
09:07Didn't happen at the time, but this time...
09:10This fish, a colacanth, was discovered
09:12and they thought it'd been dead for 80 million years.
09:15Like, this is interesting stuff.
09:16I disagree with that being interesting, if I'm honest.
09:19My review of Nessieland, which is completely skewed by me,
09:22is that it's fine three stars.
09:25Now we've explored Nessieland for ourselves,
09:27there's one more mystery to tackle.
09:29What does Mark think of the haters?
09:31Why do you think some of the reviews aren't great?
09:33Some people think it's something like Disneyland.
09:35Yeah.
09:36You know, and that's...
09:37The land bit.
09:38Yeah, yeah.
09:39This is for Nessie lovers.
09:40This is for Nessie lovers.
09:41Recently, a friend of mine did a video
09:43when we uploaded it to our website,
09:44and we've had less bad reviews since that's been up.
09:47What did you say on the website?
09:48Oh, we just...
09:49I'll find you, I'll kill you.
09:51Well, trust me, I mean, that has crossed my mind.
09:54There's no way the worst tourist attraction in the world.
09:57Mark, in himself, makes it five stars.
09:59When you meet someone like that,
10:01you should charge for that trap.
10:03The monster isn't the only Scottish beast we're hunting.
10:08The deep-fried Mars bar.
10:10I've been on the hunt for this baby for years,
10:12and I finally tracked it down in its natural habitat.
10:16The chip shop off the A9.
10:18Right off the motorway.
10:20Perfect for weary travellers
10:22who want something to be deep-fried.
10:25It's Dougie's Chippy.
10:26Deep-fried Mars bar. Have you had one?
10:28No, I don't eat Mars bars,
10:29but I bought a whole stash of vegan chocolate to deep fry.
10:31Ooh, I've never had a deep-fried Mars bar.
10:33All those years in Edinburgh.
10:34I would think of you having one.
10:35Of course, everyone would think of me having one.
10:38Are you sure you just can't remember having one?
10:39No, I really hunted for them.
10:41Oh, OK.
10:41I really went round asking people to fry Mars bars.
10:44Today's the day.
10:45Today's the day.
10:46Do you want to hear a review about it?
10:47Yeah.
10:48I mean, I can't see how you'd get a bad review
10:49of a deep-fried Mars bar.
10:51One star.
10:53No.
10:54Full stop.
10:55That Mars bar was fine just as it was.
10:58Imagine reviewing a deep-fried Mars bar
11:00and writing that.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I'm so excited, actually, genuinely.
11:04I hope they're not disgusting.
11:06I've always been intrigued by this.
11:08The idea of deep-frying something sweet
11:10and it sort of melts in inside
11:11and then the hot, hard...
11:15I'm getting sexual.
11:16I hope the real Dougie's actually there.
11:18If he is, I'll do my Scotch accent.
11:20Hello, Dougie.
11:21That's very good.
11:22You do yours.
11:23Ooh, hello.
11:24Oh, come on.
11:25Come on.
11:26Hello.
11:27What are we doing out here?
11:28Dougie needs to hear us.
11:31Hello.
11:32Hello, Dougie.
11:33Oh, hello.
11:35You're Dougie?
11:35Yes, sir.
11:36The real Dougie.
11:37I'm the real Dougie, yes.
11:38Very exciting to meet you.
11:39I'm Sarah.
11:39I'm Roshi.
11:40Nice to meet you, Dougie.
11:40Thank you very much. Nice to meet you.
11:42Can we come and help you do some frying?
11:44Absolutely.
11:45Right.
11:45I want to taste some battered gear.
11:47Dougie says we can come backstage,
11:49see where the magic happens.
11:51Not against it.
11:52Show us what you do.
11:53So, obviously, hand wrap the bar.
11:55What's this?
11:56What's in here?
11:57Yeah.
11:58That's batter.
11:59Yeah.
12:00Batter.
12:00Batter.
12:01Batter.
12:03And then, of course.
12:04It feels like depression.
12:07I worry you're going to get one of these in your kitchen.
12:09Of course I am.
12:13It looks nutso, butso.
12:15While the Mars bar's molten interior cools,
12:17we're going to see what else we can deep fry.
12:20Freestyle.
12:21Fire up.
12:23Let's get a few things out.
12:24I've got vegan, biscuits.
12:26I turn up to any party.
12:27I brought some vegan snacks.
12:28Things I like.
12:29Oreos, jammy dodgers.
12:30People don't even know they're vegan.
12:32I'll do a few at once, actually.
12:33Yeah, lots of basil.
12:34Might as well.
12:34Yeah, might as well.
12:36You just put powder, batter, oil.
12:40And so, once you've learned how to do it,
12:41which takes you 15 seconds,
12:42you can just chuck all your stuff in there.
12:46What is that?
12:47I don't want to wear the oil.
12:50It just went into a frenzy.
12:52Can I do these jelly snakes?
12:54Yeah.
12:55With batter.
12:56Have you ever had a jelly snake, John?
12:57I've not had a jelly snake.
12:59This is a first.
12:59Yes, that's the first.
13:00I've not had a jelly snake.
13:01I think I've had to change your life.
13:02Yeah.
13:03Yeah.
13:03Roisin was brilliant at deep frying,
13:05and she did jelly worms and stuff like that,
13:07which would be this amazing sort of, like, tie-in
13:10with looking for the Loch Ness monster.
13:11They pig like Nessie.
13:14Now, can I try this?
13:16As long as it's covered, you just drop it in.
13:19There's a muffin, and I put that into the oil.
13:24That's delicious.
13:26The muffin is an absolute banger.
13:29Put some custard on it, charge £11 in East London.
13:31You're welcome.
13:33It was un-ber-lievable.
13:36Can I taste Nessie?
13:37Yeah.
13:41This tastes like...
13:44Divine.
13:49I have never had a battered Mars bar.
13:51This is my first time.
13:53Right, I'm going in.
13:55I say Oreos don't work.
13:57No.
13:58Do you think that works?
13:59Have you had one?
13:59I think they're all right.
14:00How are you getting on?
14:02I don't like it.
14:03No.
14:06Is this a Mars bar?
14:07You think, a Mars bar?
14:08Batter?
14:08Put them together?
14:10Nah.
14:11Something happens in that.
14:12When they come together, evil happens.
14:14That's it for Scotland, then.
14:17We've decided not to invest.
14:19If you, just yourself, not Dougie the chip man, Dougie the person,
14:24do you have it normal or deep fried?
14:26I would have it normal.
14:27Yeah, there we go.
14:28I would have it normal.
14:29Yeah.
14:31I hate to agree with these absolute killjoys.
14:37They were right.
14:38Sorry we've left a mess.
14:39That's no problem at all.
14:41I'll have that sorted out.
14:42That was funny.
14:43He was a nice man.
14:44Very nice man.
14:46Do feel a bit sick.
14:47No.
14:48No.
14:48No.
14:48No.
14:51No.
15:02No.
15:14No.
15:31No.
15:32No.
15:32No.
15:32No.
15:32No.
15:42No.
15:45No.
15:45No.
15:46No.
15:47No.
15:48No.
15:48No.
15:49the next bad review hi guys hello I'm Roisin nice to meet you guys Nikita
15:57that's me this guy just like the sign yes so you're like a big shot golfer
16:02PGA professional yeah you've got a mullet we did notice is that is that
16:05allowed it is allowed and how do we get up to the holes because it's a massive
16:09golf course we're gonna cheat a little bit we're gonna jump in some buggies and
16:12head on up there and does it matter that we don't drive it'll be absolutely fine
16:16can you say that now Nikita oh hello hello and am I allowed on the grass on the long
16:23grass not the short grass how do you know the difference one short one's long on
16:27the grass lovely bit of equipment what you've got going on a go and stop yes
16:34please this is the most fun you can have on a golf course there's a traffic jam
16:42there's no break is that on the break okay you ready to race yeah ready ready go
16:50oh no you've got to move
16:57dangerous driver Nikita she's trying to run me off the road
17:01I'm not stopping
17:03I'm not stopping either this is like Mario Kart you just need big bananas
17:09neither Roisin and I are legally allowed to drive so to be behind the wheel of a vehicle having races
17:16going
17:16around corners like nearly well in the sand oh very thrilling oh my god she's gone off-road
17:30I can't see how golf could be better than this madness is there an Olympic sport where you ride the
17:37buggies there
17:38should be yeah there should be actually I don't think I'd ever come to a golf course again now if
17:43I didn't have a buggy
17:44also I love that they're called easy goes which is my nickname at sixth form college
17:50wow we that was fun I mean I don't know if this can compete can you I don't want to
17:55get out of the car
17:56it felt like hot sex and now we're going to do full play maybe the wrong way around show me
18:02how to play golf
18:03yeah golf's got a lot following that so the driver's the biggest club so we're going to start with that
18:08because you guys obviously haven't played golf or maybe you've watched golf no absolutely not you couldn't pay me enough
18:14money
18:20yeah kept showing me how to hold the um
18:24golf stick club the left hand at the very top that's going to go down the top half and then
18:29with our right
18:29hand you're going to put it there and then cover our thumb gold we're going to hit the ball with
18:34this
18:35part of the face nothing else so you want to whack that down there so that wants me pointing at
18:38the
18:38target pretty much okay what's my body meant to be doing so left toe is going to aim there back
18:43and
18:43forward boom that went a long way one leg's pointing there one leg's pointing there you're
18:50just going to stand a little bit further back okay perfect that's gold so now you reckon absolutely
18:55yeah just back and forth am i dragging it on the floor is it in the air your preference
19:01i did some terrible swings
19:05but you've got your hands in a weird position and you're swinging your body around and putting
19:09your legs in weird places and then i did hit it and it went quite far and now that's finished
19:18we're going to have some sandwiches not quite we've still got a little bit of work to do do
19:22do you want to come here i trust me i think i'm going to walk this one i was watching
19:26you drive earlier oh
19:27how rude boom let's drive to the roll out the way out the way out the way nick get those
19:40precious
19:40legs out of my way okay perfect pause there i'm doing two balls yeah until you get here with the
19:45mine we keep doing yours that's golf yeah come off it oh yeah shot number three this is the charm
19:53yeah yeah that's really fast down the path down the path damn you're in the burn you're swimming
19:59i'm in the burn i'm in swimming but i don't sound like good words i'm in the water yeah right
20:04let's
20:04go why have they put water on a golf club yeah it's really in there you're gonna have to do
20:09a penalty
20:09drop though what does a penalty drop mean so you gotta drop the ball but you can't place the ball
20:13you
20:13gotta drop it so they change the rules so just from your knee height you just gotta lean down i
20:19found mine
20:19it's way down the other side of that hill okay let me bash this and then we'll drive over
20:27another hole yeah you're gonna have to play out that but very good is that a birdie have we done
20:31a birdie yet not yet you could still do a birdie is that getting it in three two oh okay
20:36that's not
20:37gonna happen it could happen do you dig those out i didn't personally dig these out are they on
20:41purpose they are on purpose i didn't know what golf was these are on purpose absolutely yeah you're
20:46ruining good land you could have grown vegetables here we could have driven around that what shot
20:51number am i on one two there's a penalty at some point four five five i haven't done five shots
20:58have
20:58i yeah to take a penalty drop when does this end this is the fifth when you get it in
21:02that hole over
21:02there by the flag i'm ready to get the flag out if you get near okay oh oh oh nearly
21:11does each one
21:12count as a go absolutely each one counts as a go not amongst friends there was a hand ball i
21:19believe it's called in football cheating that's patronizing that's fantastic sand ball dance floor
21:28oh he really doesn't believe there's any hope for me
21:35this is where the ball ended up nick a fantastic shot so it's a little bit down the hill it
21:39is
21:39a fantastic shot he said it was oh nick thank you i'd really love to leave it there no we're
21:45going to finish this hole okay right i think i'm going to miss it a few times as well no
21:49okay
21:50that wasn't bad no you got it though i did one hit and it only went a couple of meters
21:54it's like oh this is going to be a long old evening i missed it nick it's still there
21:58not quite that much power either so she's only on two she's only on two but i've lost my birdie
22:03this could be a par though what this could be a part what's a par three three three on that
22:08par three
22:08three yeah par three great so after i've done four thousand and nine shots she just
22:15oh and it went in the hole it felt like fireworks in my veins
22:29tell me you had a camera on it that was phenomenal i cannot be my teacher this is like a
22:38movie
22:40it was spellbinding this is like a film i've just discovered something i'm good at you're a good
22:48teacher man that's that was impressive right that was really impressive so she didn't get a par
22:53i'm going to be friends with donald trump and stuff now are you friends with donald trump i'm not
22:58friends with donald trump no that was awesome so we're going to get you to finish up the whole now
23:03serious i've got to play more you've got to play a little bit more that's ridiculous really nice and
23:09close okay we're getting a bit closer probably not that hard no you realize that if you're
23:16shit at something you play more of it it doesn't seem fair really if you like the game hey now
23:23it's
23:23getting really close i've actually tried really hard i hope all the cameras are getting this
23:34yay why haven't you complimented me absolutely fantastic thank you thank you very much for being
23:40patient and kind with us you're a very good teacher i'm glad you guys enjoyed it hopefully
23:44had some fun as well we did it's really good thank you are we allowed to drive back now you
23:48are
23:48allowed to drive back now people come to loch ness they don't see the monster and some of them
23:53say that they're very disappointed but i would say to them why don't you pick up a sport you've never
23:58tried before be amazing at it and cheer yourself up
24:08it's a new day in loch ness which one reviewer wrote has the wettest water i've ever encountered
24:15wet water yeah i agreed i don't like my water too wet slightly dry please oh it's gorgeous i think
24:22the trouble is a lot of the waves look like there's something in them that's my new theory
24:27do you want to have a look when did you get these just peeping around crotch end herbert's uh paraphernalia
24:33absolutely beautiful isn't it i mean i can't believe how lovely it is i think i've been struck more
24:44in scotland by the other countries about how stupid some reviews are and it makes me feel a bit
24:48sad when it's like i won stars i didn't see the loch ness monster i just feel like isn't it
24:53sad that
24:54society's come to this yes even if i've had a bad experience i feel like making that one experience
25:00permanent in writing feels very harsh yeah i want to write under all of them who hurt you
25:08who hurt you i once did reviews when i was 18 i phoned a psychic because i was sad and
25:14i said when
25:14will i be happy and she went oh come on a bit a bit more specific and uh and i
25:19reviewed under a thing
25:20saying this lady was rude to me that was my only bad review i've ever given i always think about
25:24it's
25:24really funny when will i be happy when will i be happy at 18 and when when when when will
25:30he be happy
25:38so i'm going to do a bit of fishing are you there's a bit of meditative
25:42that's what they do up here i'm going to do skimming stones write a poem classic beach day stuff
25:49commute with nature really classic beach day because sherry's vegan she's not doing the fishing
25:54bit so we're experiencing a different part of loch ness rather than just looking finesse even though
25:59i've always got my eye out i take it you're the fisherman that was a good guess i'm peter hello
26:06peter i'm racy lovely to meet you yeah this is a great outfit you're in a deer stalker hat i
26:11know
26:11you need all that stuff do you like my hat it's uh unusual i'll take that as a no so
26:17what do i need to
26:18put on yeah you need a pair of waders okay that's one leg in
26:24and nearly there well that's half the battle now pull them up yeah and pull up at the front now
26:35fishing's exhausting ready for your straps ready for my straps yep over the top oh whoa peter what
26:41doing i feel like i'm a massive toddler it's not the sexiest gear if i'm honest so i don't know
26:52if
26:52i'd you know go on a date here some things lend itself to more blurty you know bowling or something
26:59even though the shoes in bowling is just absolute killers in terms of sex appeal that's nothing we're
27:05not talking about that peter i've got to tell you something i love fish to eat but if we catch
27:09one can it
27:10go straight back in the water i don't want to be around a fish like yeah we're going to treat
27:14them
27:14very nicely okay we're going to kiss them bye-bye okay can we kiss them yeah you can i'll just
27:20go and get
27:20my rod my point is this stuff isn't date wet and peter and me are just friends so this is
27:30a fly rod
27:30okay feel how light that is that rod is going to cast out that tiny little fly there it's got
27:37a hook on it
27:37and that's what we're hoping that the fish are going to take and i've got a whole box of them
27:41here oh would you ever wear one as an earring yeah i probably would we'll have them on your ears
27:47before
27:48the end of the show yeah well i wanted to be deliberate not an accident okay showing me how to
27:53fish all right let's go follow me i never ever get any time by myself because i've got two young
28:07children so this is a dream for me i'm just writing down some thoughts not so much a poem or
28:18broken prose
28:18about um the water with people who've dedicated their life to looking for this monster roisin's
28:25fishing for fish i'm fishing for big thoughts i'm going to write that down they're fishing for big
28:29thoughts so what do i do then peter well up pause out okay okay right up up excellent and then
28:40i would
28:40pull the fly back through my fingers like this oh like lure it make it make the fly look alive
28:47it's a very zen thing to do once you get into it
28:53it felt really really calming ancient like it felt like a thing that you can sort of feel in your
28:59bones
29:00like evolutionary like this is how we fed ourselves we didn't just use delivery
29:08roses are red violets are blue i love the loch ness monster she loves me too god what am i
29:14doing
29:16live laugh loch ness no no i hate myself up pause down and then
29:26come on fishy fishy and what's the most amount of fish you've ever caught with a newcomer oh gosh one
29:33day
29:34we had about 30 fish in the boat 30 fish yep like jesus up oh nice cast nice cast and
29:44fish it
29:45fish it all on lauren's clothes and a little bit i've caught a cameraman and i'll pull the line
29:49i've called it the depths i think it's really meaningful
29:58it's not an eel the old man cried and i still tried to find her too deep to know in
30:06surety a
30:07dinosaur's longevity let's stop and have a cup of tea monster i hardly knew her
30:15five stars no notes nobel prize sorry to be so smug at the end of my poem
30:21i sort of feel now with the monster if you look too much it'll make you mad it's good to
30:26look away
30:26for for a little while that was so much fun well you were a very good pupil was i yeah
30:33yeah you were
30:33i didn't catch anything in terms of fish but vibes i'm full to the brim and you said i wasn't
30:40your worst
30:41people honestly you were probably in the top 20 i would say the truth is i was glad we didn't
30:50find
30:50anything i'm a hypocrite i eat fish i eat meat but i outsource the murder
31:00oh i just skimmed one i just skimmed one i hope you saw i did so you're the reason i
31:05didn't catch
31:05any fish you're out here warning them yeah i accidentally killed two ducks so
31:09i was fishing we didn't catch anything well done so it was a lovely afternoon what are you up to
31:18pottering i've been trying to learn how to skim stones but i have made a very exciting discovery
31:22there's a famous man over there so yeah he's got the guinness world record for the longest search
31:28for the lot less monster but he's also got some bad reviews let's go and meet him let's go and
31:32find
31:32out why let's do our investigations come on then some people online have found steve as aloof as the
31:40monster a bit harsh hello um are you steve i'm steve yeah hello we've heard a lot about you right
31:51we've
31:52heard your 35 years hunting nessie and you've got the guinness world record world champion at not
31:57being able to find it ah do you want to come in oh yes please out of the weather it's
32:03friendly he's
32:04positively happy oh wow what a lovely place to live
32:12so we've been visiting places that have been poorly reviewed and we noticed that someone i mean
32:17obviously you're not here as a tourist attraction but someone had reviewed you i know this is my
32:23home i get reviewed on my home i'll get a three-star review he wasn't there when i oh my
32:30god i i if i'm
32:32here i get a two-star review steve sold his house gave up his girlfriend and his job and moved
32:39to
32:39lockness in 1991 where he's been living by the shore and looking for the monster full time ever since
32:46it's why did you start looking for the lockness monster i got obsessed when i was a kid i came
32:52here when i was seven got hooked on the whole possibilities then i believed i was looking for
32:57dinosaurs but most kids would lose that interest with years it was the opposite with me it just grew
33:03and grew the passion for this mystery even if it wasn't you who saw it how would you feel if
33:09there was
33:09confirmation if it wasn't me i'd be furious would you really i bet this is a lot of people's fantasy
33:19of how they want to live but you're actually doing it i recommend it i recommend do what you love
33:25i know i can be on my deathbed and look back and say i'm glad i did that that's lovely
33:30it's really
33:31lovely it's really inspiring yeah we're going to be professional buggy drivers have you ever driven a
33:35golf body no it's really amazing such good fun stuff i mean it's brilliant he just decided what
33:42he wanted to be when he was seven and now he is that he's living his dream when i was
33:46seven i wanted
33:47to be a vet in space that would be good one of the reviews said you were grumpy and i
33:51didn't find you
33:52grumpy at all i disagree a lot of the reviews say i'm grumpy do they everyone's allowed to be grumpy
33:57in
33:57your own house your own house yeah i can't wait till it's the news bulletin that you've actually
34:02you know you and nessie having a hug i might not tell anyone oh well can you just tell us
34:08then because
34:09we're really into oh like that'll keep it secret i'll just tell you too thank you very much steve
34:14pleasure lovely to meet you he was lovely i didn't find him grumpy at all and also he was in
34:20his own
34:20house i think people need to stop thinking they can just review i'm going to start reviewing my friends
34:25and family everyone i meet i want to send them a review after lunch not great a lot of chat
34:31about
34:32their ex heard it before two stars we're in lockness investigating reviews like there was no monster
34:43all i managed to spot were a few ducks and an enthusiastic fisherman ignore these moaners loads
34:51of locals have spotted her even the owner of our hotel i actually saw the lockless monster myself
34:55about 30 years ago no way we're out in a small boat in the middle of the lock the skipper
35:03was on
35:03the front cabin and i was in the back and but i was looking forward when i heard this tremendous
35:09splash
35:11and i looked back and 100 meters away there's this enormous pool of water
35:17and i said to the skipper by the way i think i've just solid evidence for the rock that's monster
35:26wow that's absolutely authentic i'm not it's not that i'm drinking too much or any of these things
35:32and so 30 years ago that hasn't made you want to go out and keep looking for her when i
35:36drive up and
35:37down the lock i'm always looking especially on a calm day to see if there's anything extraordinary
35:41and i still believe that there's something in there for sure hopefully we'll come back with
35:44our story of our nessie sighting i hope so wish us luck and if not we'll make one up but
35:51between you
35:52and me i'm a terrible liar so we booked onto a nessie spotting cruise and it's time for the final
35:58showdown with nessie i hope we don't end up pulling a steve and living here for the next 30 years
36:05i wouldn't put it past me
36:11hi guys are we here for the cruise are we the deep scan you are perfect it's a short two
36:17minute
36:17drive down the hill so it's not too long at all perfect once we're down there we can introduce
36:20you to steve he'll be your skipper for the evening we'll try his best to show you nessie but no
36:24guarantees okay another steve are all nessie hunters called steve now should we be called steve
36:33steve it is indeed yeah you're the driver of the deep scan cruise skipper technically but yeah
36:37yeah yeah i'd take it out onto the the lock most days and uh go and look for the monster
36:43okay well
36:43we'd really love to see nessie now i will try our best so nessie kills us no nessie's friendly oh
36:52yeah
36:52yeah maybe we should stop calling her a monster maybe i think so yeah yeah because it's the monster that
36:58makes you think yeah she's violent absolutely yeah it's definitely not what was hiding under my bed
37:03when i was little what was hiding under your bed well the monster a different monster do you not have
37:07a monster under the bed did you do scan under your bed absolutely yeah i don't know how much i
37:12trust
37:12you steve let's go i'm excited and you may even get a scottish tan perfect it's our last day time's
37:19running out we must do whatever it takes to find the beast oh nessie
37:31nessie nessie
37:32look at that oh it's a seagull i thought it was a little i thought it was nessie's head
37:37oh you cheeky seagull here nessie
37:43we don't think you're a monster you're just old and we have a society that values you
37:51you're so pretty whether nessie shows up or not it's a lovely little boat ride
37:56the first impressions of the lock it's very peaceful because it's huge and beautiful
38:02and steve had dreamy dreamy eyes
38:06imagine just spending your whole life out here looking for a nessie i might
38:12so here we are out in the middle at the deep point uh the sonar is saying that we're just
38:17here got 224
38:18meters of water underneath whoa that's scary deep so if you were to take canary wharf and drop it in
38:23here it'd just about disappear all of those bankers gone yeah let's do it let's do it
38:30uh this system here found a spot three weeks ago that was uh 274 meters that's nessie's little bedroom
38:37yeah next steve shows his instruments oh hello very exciting so we've got two systems essentially
38:47that's sending 50 000 pulses of sound every second down that's sending 200 000 every second
38:52and it's waiting for the echo to come back it works out how far away the thing is that it's
38:57whether that's a fish or monster or the bottom of the lock whether that's a fish or a monster
39:00but he doesn't know which of those things it is he then showed us some evidence proper
39:06unrefutable evidence and interesting what we do actually know that that is is a 10 meter
39:10long creature wow uh and it's white because it's full of oxygen is it necessary yeah yeah it could
39:17well be we met a guy earlier who said it could be something that's trapped in a time warp yeah
39:22this is
39:22mark i can't say no it's a possibility now the scientists believe nessie to be a giant eel but
39:29the problem i have with that is eels swim like this yeah sure and what i filmed six years ago
39:33is something
39:34doing whoa whoa what you filmed and then steve places blinder which is oh yeah i saw that like
39:39this monster six years ago do you want to watch it so this is you on the on the boat
39:43yeah it's time to
39:45make this white wave here all right okay yeah there is a wave hmm then it's this oh oh my
39:55god
39:56two black homes and three splashes oh and then the whole thing disappears yeah it's gone and then it
40:04comes back with the same two black homes she comes back and the same three splashes he saw it irrefutable
40:13up and down twice you see messy crazy do you think she likes you i reckon right now i'm thinking
40:20this is probably one of the best days of my life i can go home and tell people i've seen
40:23a video of
40:24the loch ness monster and then imagine what happens next that's the wave that's the kind of wave again
40:29look right that's the kind of long wave that's there it is there's no question that there what is
40:40what is it the middle bit the middle bit yes what is that look look you can see there's
40:47something under the water yes oh my god we just look out the window there she is absolutely
41:02just flashing us does this happen every time someone comes on the boat no i knew we were
41:07gonna see her i knew it you can see there's something under the water let's see look let's see but
41:15now
41:15it's flattened off now it's gone yeah it's not there
41:25it was stunned it was it was there
41:31that's amazing what could it have been they're not this monster
41:48we had a big event the first tv show ever yeah we're not even making a show about nessie we're
41:54making
41:54a show about bad reviews and we just we saw nessie millionaires we saw nessie we're all gonna be
42:00billionaires what an end to our loch ness adventure don't tell the other steve we saw it in three days
42:08awkward my favorite look i think i agree sarah it has been an absolute adventure my trip to loch ness
42:18was a hole in one oh nessie felt that my heart was pure and said hello or maybe it was
42:26just a big
42:27wave and we got excited by seeing steve's computer but monster or no monster it was five nessies out of
42:33five and what was the review what was that bad review the review said i came all the way from
42:37grimsby
42:38didn't see the Loch Ness monster one star and i'll say stay in grimsby next time yeah my favorite part
42:44of the trip was the people i found them all interesting and i found them all to be called
42:48steve i learned i looked fit in waders and finally tracked down an elusive scottish monster yay it's
42:55five steves out of five for me you know something johnson said he was tired of london is tired of
43:02life
43:02yeah i'd say he doesn't have a nice time at loch ness because they didn't see a mythical creature
43:07maybe just watch telly next time then i concur
43:13should we just sort of um walk into the water and disappear never to be seen again
43:17we could but i've had i've had an idea sarah
43:33very good if nessie doesn't come out to this she won't come out to nothing
43:37it's been i really hope she doesn't have ears
43:40so
43:44so
43:52so
43:53so
43:53so
43:54so
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