00:02why do cats hate us the secret truth a theory about the superiority of the domestic cat and
00:09human servitude to love a cat is to subscribe to a delusion of partnership to own one is to enter
00:17a socio-economic contract where you are the unpaid subservient and perpetually judged staff and the
00:23cat is the furry four-legged CEO of disappointment the notion that cats merely dislike us as far too
00:29generous dislike suggests indifference or perhaps a passing annoyance no what a cat feels for its
00:36human that poor soft brain sap currently petting it is an ancient profound and highly cultured form of
00:43contempt this isn't mere evolutionary happenstance it's an institutionalized grievance that dates back
00:49to the very moment we collectively decided to domesticate them the grievance is simple we are
00:56not up to standard the pharaohs got it right they worshiped the cat they built temples offered
01:02sacrifices and understood the natural order of things we however offer them four dollar cans of
01:08gourmet salmon pate call them pukums and insist on showing them blurry iphone photos of themselves
01:15this is to a creature that knows it was once a god a staggering demotion a bureaucratic blunder
01:21the feline species has been passively correcting for millennia the indignity begins with the naming
01:27convention we christen these sleek predatory vessels of pure contained malice with names like mittens or
01:34sir reginald fluffington do you think a creature capable of staring into the abyss for three hours
01:39straight without blinking appreciates being called snuggle bug it's a deliberate insult a constant
01:45reminder of our sentimental mammalian weakness every time you squeal who's a cute little murder muffin
01:51the cat is logging the violation it's a psychological profile of your ineptitude stored in their tiny
01:58perfectly optimized brain next to the exact trajectory needed to knock your most expensive ceramic vase off the
02:04highest shelf the entire relationship is an economic failure from a human perspective a cat offers exactly
02:11zero tangible benefits they do not heard they do not guard and their pest control is highly situational
02:17usually involving them batting a dying mouse under the sofa for you to dispose of later
02:23yet we provide prime real estate climate control premium kibble and specialized healthcare for
02:28creatures whose primary interaction is a silent unblinking glare that says your performance review is
02:34pending and frankly i'm unimpressed winston churchill a man who knew a thing or two about power dynamics
02:41recognize this imbalance dogs look up to us cats look down on us pigs treat us as equals the cat
02:48views
02:49your existence as a utility and your emotional attachment as a charming exploitable mental illness
02:55consider the litter box the feline equivalent of a five-star hotel's service entrance it is a necessary
03:01evil a foul-smelling compromise that allows them to live indoors and exploit your resources
03:07but their use of it is often an act of conceptual art they will ceremoniously dig stare at you while
03:14digging and then exit with the theatrical flourish of an emperor dismissing a particularly tedious
03:19courtier tracking precisely one single grain of silica gel across the newly vacuumed carpet
03:25their nocturnal habits far from being cute zoomies are strategic military maneuvers the 3am shelf clearing
03:32event is not an accident it is a carefully calculated psychological operation designed to establish
03:38dominance and ensure human fatigue they know you need sleep to perform your daytime duties that is
03:44earning money for more salmon pasta they leap onto your chest not for cuddles but to ensure you are in
03:50fact still alive and thus still capable of operating the can opener and if you dare to complain the cat
03:57simply offers a slow deliberate blink the non-verbal equivalent of the united states comedian groucho
04:02marks saying i refuse to join any club that would have me as a member but instead of a club
04:07it's your
04:08life its disdain is a protective barrier keeping it from contracting the human condition we stress over
04:15our businesses and our invoices and our bills but cats have none of this they're sleek self-contained units
04:22of confidence they are the hl menkin of the animal kingdom constantly observing our ridiculous
04:26efforts the urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule it
04:33a cat sees us striving to save the planet or find inner peace and simply cleans its own immaculate fur
04:39they have already achieved inner peace it involves a sunbeam and the utter certainty that they're superior
04:46the most damning evidence of our servitude is the cuddle conditional the cat does not seek comfort
04:51it seeks to reinforce the scarcity model a cuddle a purr a brief kneading of your thigh is never an
04:57expression of love it is an invoice it is the monthly statement for your continued tenancy in their house
05:03a gentle reminder that their emotional currency is hyperinflated and yours is worthless furthermore this
05:11affection is always location specific you must be engaged in an activity that renders you immobile and
05:16therefore utterly vulnerable reading a crucial document balancing a precarious cup of coffee
05:23or proving that even your most private moments are subject to their surveillance and interruption
05:28and then there are the sounds we are constantly fooled by the meow of manufactured distress
05:34the meow is not an innate feline sound used to communicate with other cats it is a specialized
05:39emotionally manipulative dialect developed solely for subjugating humans a cat communicating with its
05:46own kind uses scent body language and a terrifyingly silent scream hiss the pathetic high-pitched meow is
05:53a carefully engineered auditory trigger designed to bypass our rational thought processes and immediately
05:59activate the primitive mammalian nurturing response they sound like a distressed infant because they know we
06:04are biologically programmed to respond to it the cat is running highly advanced social engineering
06:10malware on your brain and you the clumsy soft brain sap keep clicking allow access this linguistic manipulation
06:17is the final darkly humorous flourish on a masterpiece of domestic tyranny in the end cats hate us not
06:24because we are bad but because we are flawed we are loud we are clumsy and the worst part is
06:32that we set limits for
06:33our cats they still wake us up at dawn and demand food as early as 4 58 a.m and
06:39use our couch as a communal nail file
06:42and we will continue to serve hoping that perhaps one day they will look at us with something other than
06:48majestic scorn
06:50but they won't they can't to admit affection would be to admit equality and a cat would rather face the
06:58terrifying
06:59or of an existential string theory lecture than relinquish its hard-won position as a tiny cynical master of the
07:05house
07:06and so we come to the end
07:09thank you for watching
Comments