- 7 hours ago
Kt 767 - Ari Shaffir - Luis J Gomez - Peyton Ruddy
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00:00:29Transcribed by ESO. Translated by —
00:00:37hey this is redback company live from the comedy mothership here
00:00:41in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get it for tony it's clear
00:00:56who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives huh
00:01:11oh yeah and that's the best damn band in all the land make some noise for them
00:01:16huh fernando castillo raul valejo carlos sosa that's tres leches on the horns
00:01:24you had michael gonzalez in the mix that's nachos belgrande joining the band tonight the banjo
00:01:30player from mumford and sons an unbelievable artist winston marshall ladies and gentlemen
00:01:35huge part of the kill tony family we know him we love him the homie big choice for matt mewling
00:01:41on
00:01:41the electric guitar john dees on the keys and believe it or not that man sitting right there
00:01:48that's not adam ray that's d madness live in the flesh everybody
00:01:53the eyes and ears of the band
00:02:00what an episode we have for you this is indeed the number one live podcast in the world brought
00:02:06to you by shopify talkspace and zip recruiter this is kill tony and here is a little bit more from
00:02:12the amazing sponsors that make the whole thing possible hello there everyone this podcast is
00:02:17sponsored by salie whether you're hitting the road for a comedy tour just trying to escape the
00:02:21country for a vacation getting off a long flight and realizing your phone doesn't have internet
00:02:25is an absolute nightmare that's where salie comes in red bam tony i love salie think of it
00:02:31as your new travel buddy it's a super simple e-sim app that keeps you connected in over 200 places
00:02:38around the world and if you don't know what an e-sim is it's just a digital sim card that
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00:02:44no more swapping out those tiny plastic cards no more waiting in line at the airport no more getting
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00:02:55affordable data plan and you're instantly connected say goodbye to those insane expensive roaming fees
00:03:00get an exclusive 15 discount on salie data plans when you use code kill tony at checkout
00:03:06download the salie app or go to salie.com slash kill tony who's ready to start tonight's fucking show
00:03:13ladies and gentlemen i'm proud to say you have three guests tonight the rare triple threat
00:03:22fucking guest lineup two of them are two of the most used guests in the show's history
00:03:29one of them is first time brand spanking new on panel because i think he's one of the funniest people
00:03:36uh on earth coming up the ranks truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world
00:03:41your three guests tonight ladies and gentlemen i present to you ari shafir lewis j gomez and peyton ruddy
00:03:49oh my god it's ari shafir the real deal lewis j gomez
00:04:02and introducing to the kill tony universe peyton ruddy everybody
00:04:08peyton ruddy everybody it rhymes i legitimately did that hat back
00:04:14it's all fun and games i got that in bodega it's a don't give it back what are you doing
00:04:19keep it he's a legend oh come on
00:04:24oh my god i understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a jew's head but
00:04:29just throw it away he needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker it's aerodynamic
00:04:36ari shafir ladies and gentlemen is here my big brother everyone's big brother in this
00:04:42the end is out now he's back with a brand new storytelling series it's available at
00:04:50ari shafir.com so many great comedians on it i'm on it you're on it shane gillis is on it
00:04:56nate bargazzi the list goes on and on it's must see tv available now at ari shafir.com
00:05:01the end lewis j gomez is back everybody the master and grand leader of the skank fest world skank fest
00:05:11tickets are available at skankfest.com might be sold out by the time this gets out if they're not
00:05:17make sure you fucking get them it is the comedy i'll be there red band i'll be there everyone's
00:05:21there uh it's a crazy big dirty sweaty fun festival um and peyton ruddy everybody it's his
00:05:28first time look how adorable this sweet boy is speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun
00:05:35hey thanks for having me yeah we're happy to have you his uh tour my best work is at
00:05:41peytonreadylive.com for tickets go see him this is the future right here you're seeing him for the
00:05:46first time on kill tony peyton ruddy everybody follow him on instagram at peyton ruddy comedy
00:05:51that's r-u-d-d-y and we're gonna have so much fun one more time this episode is brought
00:05:56to you by
00:05:56shopify talkspace and zip recruiter you guys know how it works over 200 innocent souls some of them
00:06:01not innocent at all some of them guilty of many crimes signed up for tonight's show anything can
00:06:06happen it's funny to do a zip recruiter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years
00:06:10it's true we're gonna find out all about it they get 60 seconds uninterrupted if i pull their name
00:06:15out of the bucket you know their time is up near the sound of a kitten that means they have
00:06:18to wrap
00:06:19it up then or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear i'm gonna let this guy that looks
00:06:23like if you put one of donald trump's sons in a microwave pull the first name there you go sir
00:06:29there you go very exciting send it along we go wrangle that person and while we wrangle the first
00:06:36comedian we're gonna have one of our great regulars do a brand new set sometimes this guy does over a
00:06:42minute he never calls out sick he never misses a set you're watching one of the great comedians
00:06:48of the future grow in front of your very eyes ladies and gentlemen this is a guy that was once
00:06:54known as the dark storm of atlanta he's now known as the dark storm of austin texas this is a
00:06:59brand
00:06:59new set from the great dedrick flynn everybody
00:07:09guys what what happened to silly people like everybody in this country just want to be upset
00:07:16or the sadness or the madness and i just want to be silly and uncross your arms nigga silly up
00:07:22you see what i'm talking about why are you judging you ain't come here to have a good time
00:07:25you laughing through youtube what happened to the silly laughs that used we used to have goofy ass
00:07:30laughs at comedy nicks because y'all don't even do that no more do y'all remember y'all remember
00:07:36silly
00:07:36jews do y'all remember jews were the silliest people in america larry david and seinfield and sarah
00:07:44silverman's fine ass y'all remember that just fucking already went into the wilderness for a year
00:07:49because he couldn't be silly anymore and we just need to just let that out i don't know why
00:07:55it's because i just wanted to say that so i could do this silly joke real fast that i wrote
00:08:00down
00:08:00uh just to get y'all to mindset uh dating your eggs is a lot like reheating french fries
00:08:09all right i'm do the next one
00:08:14sir you ever been here with the rocket ship effect
00:08:17the rocket ship effect you know what that is that's when you see somebody who thinks attractive
00:08:21and they walking towards you and you're like oh that's a 10 9 8 7
00:08:27all right y'all that's about time i love y'all
00:08:31damn he's done it again one minute 22 seconds from dedrick flynn
00:08:36very funny i love it hell yeah lewis j gomez
00:08:39dedrick always so funny you're you're fucking hilarious but you are dressed like a bumper sticker
00:08:43on a pickup truck in texas
00:08:47usa very patient
00:08:49i just got here from nigeria and was trying to pretend he's
00:08:56i love the yankees
00:09:03i hate your hat
00:09:04very bad welcome dedrick you got a little rabbit's foot over there
00:09:09yeah uh some some lady at the uh because we went to wrestlemania uh after the show she came up
00:09:16to me
00:09:16she's like this is for you and then she didn't give anybody else one so i just wanted to just
00:09:21oh you got one too
00:09:24oh shit
00:09:26she didn't give it to us at the same time you was back there breaking down a drum set you
00:09:30didn't
00:09:30why you ain't wearing it why you got it in your pocket
00:09:33is this supposed to be in your pocket it's supposed to be right here where it's supposed to be
00:09:37alright don't
00:09:40i mean wow i mean dude i'm a big guy but i've never clipped my dinner to my belt after
00:09:44i'm done eating
00:09:47why i'm going to save some of this for nata
00:09:51hey peyton ruddy has arrived
00:09:54i love it
00:09:55them buttons is fighting for their life peyton
00:09:57i wouldn't do it
00:10:00you look like mikey from recess grown up nigga i would not do it
00:10:07see we're silly we're friends i know him
00:10:10yeah well your chain is too tight buddy
00:10:14that that is too tight
00:10:15what's going on over there you've been doing
00:10:17i do a lot of push-ups you wouldn't know nothing about this
00:10:20i do a lot of push-ups but i'm at home because i want to feel like i'm back in
00:10:25jail so i can work harder
00:10:27you do push-ups with your neck
00:10:29yeah
00:10:29i love it
00:10:31double up the chain is it like
00:10:32yeah around twice
00:10:33no it's two steps so
00:10:35stop counting the gold
00:10:38how many runs are there how many specific carries
00:10:42how much would you give me for it on your new york strip market
00:10:48it looks like the most expensive lynching ever
00:10:53that's good i like that a lot man thank you so much for that
00:10:56i appreciate you thank you so much
00:11:00you look like the top of a s'more with your graham cracker skin and that dumbass marshmallow hat on
00:11:06now i like you
00:11:07oh you're getting pulled from that are you bald is that why you're wearing that
00:11:10yeah
00:11:10yeah there it is
00:11:13scared of being bald just let it go bro
00:11:19dedrick you got the show started yet again ladies and gentlemen
00:11:22he used to do it every week not an easy job
00:11:26but he did it again the great dedrick clint everybody
00:11:29and it has begun
00:11:30to the bucket we go everyone
00:11:33this is where shit gets crazy
00:11:34we're gonna meet people all together
00:11:36a lot of it's gonna be their first time
00:11:38maybe it's someone who's been on before
00:11:39maybe they bombed last time they were on
00:11:41and they're here for redemption
00:11:42maybe they did good
00:11:43and this time it didn't go so good
00:11:45maybe they did good twice in a row
00:11:46anything can happen
00:11:47the whole thing's improvised make some noise for your first bucket pool it's tom frank everyone
00:11:52here comes tom frank
00:11:58that's right tom frank no relation
00:12:01but uh i'm gonna try and lock in right now
00:12:03like that great woman
00:12:04my name is uh i'm a gypsy
00:12:06yeah that just means i have a hard time answering simple questions like
00:12:09where are you from what are you doing here and have you seen my dog
00:12:12yeah my family's from czechoslovakia
00:12:15yeah um back then wasn't a good time to be jewish
00:12:19so it turns out gypsy's just a jew that lost their documents
00:12:24still sucked
00:12:25but a lot of people like to remind me hey that's not a country
00:12:27like thanks for reminding me i don't have a home right
00:12:31yeah
00:12:31we should have been clever and named it something that would stick like israel
00:12:35then it would still be around and real today right
00:12:38but i'm a little suspicious you know
00:12:40i think uh like greenland is an iceberg
00:12:44turkey it's full of cats
00:12:46and then whenever the immigrants come to the border
00:12:48hungary's like sorry we're full
00:12:52but it was easy growing up with uh immigrant parents actually they were clever you know
00:12:56they knew enough kids at school were calling me a fat retard
00:13:00why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional
00:13:05i used to be uh fat but uh still stupid so the school system's broken
00:13:09but fat shaming works
00:13:10all right tom frank
00:13:16how you doing tom
00:13:18it's a good day to be alive
00:13:20okay all right
00:13:22uh how long is it though
00:13:25with you guys yeah
00:13:26how long you been doing stand-up comedy
00:13:28uh longer than than i should be
00:13:31you want to answer the question
00:13:32yeah like six years on and off
00:13:35okay six years
00:13:37and why do you look like an old-timey explorer
00:13:41you look like you'd be standing at the front of a ship ready to take over some african country or
00:13:46something like that
00:13:47i just got back from a festival you know
00:13:49what was the festival
00:13:50peak state
00:13:51you have uh you know brent pella
00:13:53nope
00:13:53oh yeah
00:13:55what what's that festival
00:13:57he made a movie at a festival about a festival it's pretty cool
00:14:01doesn't sound cool at all
00:14:04how many people go to this festival
00:14:06like 500
00:14:07wow
00:14:08it's pretty big
00:14:08is it like is there music and what goes on at the festival
00:14:12yeah all the fixings you know
00:14:15cosplay and dancing and i don't know camping pretending homeless
00:14:21sounds like skank fest to me
00:14:24tom frank what do you do for a living
00:14:27i'm a tour guide
00:14:28of what what kind of tours are you giving
00:14:30go hiking
00:14:31do you give tours of the boogie night set
00:14:40i go to the nature yeah go hiking in the parks
00:14:47you give tours to nature
00:14:49of course yeah
00:14:50you get paid to give tours to nature
00:14:52drive people around walk them up
00:14:54where where exactly
00:14:55the national parks
00:14:56it's a beautiful country
00:14:57peyton are you making all this up on the spot right now
00:15:02what the fuck are you talking about right now
00:15:05yeah you know i drive people uh around
00:15:08and uh
00:15:11i told you i'm a gypsy right it's not so easy to answer
00:15:13what does that mean to you exactly
00:15:15hey you're on the road
00:15:18we're all gypsies
00:15:19yeah i guess so yeah
00:15:20exactly
00:15:22all right tom what's the most interesting thing about you
00:15:25you're on a podcast right now
00:15:26now you're barely answering questions honestly
00:15:28just get to some meat and potatoes here
00:15:30you got anything about you that you might find interesting
00:15:32i speak a few languages
00:15:33like what
00:15:34czech
00:15:35slovakian
00:15:36what is that two languages
00:15:41it counts yeah
00:15:43why do you keep pronouncing it that way
00:15:46slovakia
00:15:47because we were the original slaves
00:15:48no the achia part
00:15:51slaveakia
00:15:52not slaveakia
00:15:55yeah you know classic white guy taking credit for slavery
00:15:59all right
00:16:05uh okay
00:16:07tom are you funnier in those languages
00:16:11it's easier you know when they don't understand you and they just you just got a funny face
00:16:15right like in brazil
00:16:18they don't understand so much english but they love it when a gringo dances
00:16:23okay tom uh
00:16:25he's got the vibe
00:16:26he's got the vibe of his last tour to the woods was with gabby petito
00:16:29yeah
00:16:31yeah
00:16:34right before he killed her he went
00:16:36my wife
00:16:38she's a dad
00:16:40tom frank here's a little joke book
00:16:42we're gonna keep it moving along
00:16:43there he goes tom frank everybody
00:16:48yeah
00:16:50how about more
00:16:51how about
00:16:52make some noise for winston marshall
00:16:53i love a good banjo
00:16:57make some noise for the lovely heidi everybody
00:16:59this is her live in the flesh
00:17:01feast your eyes
00:17:02on the real deal
00:17:05go to heidiregina.com
00:17:07a lot of fun stuff going on over there
00:17:08isn't she the best
00:17:11we got cigars
00:17:12we got drinks
00:17:13it's a party here
00:17:14hello there
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00:20:09make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody looks like a new name to me
00:20:13it's chris
00:20:15jurassimo everyone
00:20:22thank you
00:20:23you nailed my last name
00:20:25jurassimo
00:20:27sounds like i'm a dinosaur from jurassic park
00:20:31unfortunately i have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from jurassic park
00:20:43how funny that joke is it depends on where you're sitting
00:20:47this guy had the perfect view over here
00:20:49careful this is a splash zone
00:20:52but it's a greek name you know my people invented both democracy and anal
00:20:59welcome tony
00:21:10but it's a stereotype because in ancient greece the spartans actually had gay sex
00:21:14to help the army's team chemistry
00:21:18that's pretty crazy right
00:21:21to think that fucking your boys makes you fight better
00:21:26how did they find that out
00:21:30and how embarrassing was it and they realized there's like no correlation between anal of the
00:21:35boys being better soldiers
00:21:37yes who's gay i don't know
00:21:39all right chris jurassimo ladies and gentlemen welcome welcome
00:21:45good set you got your cheap tony is gay uh joke in there no it's fine
00:21:50made lewis laugh really hard this giant fucking seven-year-old retard
00:21:55for no reason whatsoever it's a loophole in the show according to you guys where you just go hey
00:22:01tony loves anal and everybody laughs so fun how exciting
00:22:04instead of it being a real show about stand-up comedy there's just a blatant loophole
00:22:08and you just let people get away with it you loved it too i saw your adam's apple get three
00:22:13sizes bigger with you you fucking freak welcome chris how are you what is jurassimo is that italian
00:22:20what is that it's greek greek yeah all right it was the whole minute yeah perfect i mean
00:22:27tony why don't you pay attention yeah no i know he was seething off that gay joke and he was
00:22:32like
00:22:34yes furious i couldn't hear anything before or after
00:22:39uh
00:22:40uh tony your your neck looks like you try to make a meme of yourself in chat gbt
00:22:45he's chris by the way i'm tony oh yep that'll that'll hold the joke back for sure chris it
00:22:52looks like you're always gulping
00:22:57chris how long you been on stand-up uh three years now where at
00:23:00i'm from windsor canada but i live in toronto now so
00:23:03oh big upgrade there how's toronto treating you it's fun i got the kill tony boys you got jared and
00:23:09kansai yeah yep those are your homies you do shows with them a lot yeah you get a lot of
00:23:15concise ramen actually my mom met kansai because she stayed in my place and he bowed and my immigrant
00:23:23mom said get up and laughed at him thought that was pretty racist but yeah chris what do you do
00:23:29for
00:23:29a living um i work for a non-profit that has career days in high schools so i travel around
00:23:35running career
00:23:36days most of the kill tony open micers work for a non-profit yeah yeah i get bullied by high
00:23:42schoolers all the time it's great what do they say about you there was this asian chick that was
00:23:46really mean to me one time i just said hi to her and she said you seem toxic as wow
00:23:53and i bet your ex is right about you damn yeah amazing that girl yeah okay chris so three years
00:24:03in stand-up you're in toronto how often do you get to make it to america uh i used to
00:24:09live windsor so
00:24:10i used to go over to detroit a lot but not much anymore you guys are far and you hate
00:24:14us but yeah
00:24:19chris what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy what are some things that
00:24:23uh you do you collect pokemons or something no okay good answer uh i don't know i guess i used
00:24:33to
00:24:33fight it's a kickbox a little bit oh wow like uh professionally no i just hand me yeah i used
00:24:39to
00:24:39what else just kick box is that your thing just hang out with my girl my mom my roommate yeah
00:24:45at the
00:24:46same time no what do you and your girl do together uh long walks on the beach typical stuff the
00:24:56old
00:24:56toronto beaches yeah are you are you making all this up on the spot right now no no she's real
00:25:01she's real i promise she's real i got two fucking serial killers in a row hang out with my mom
00:25:09i'm boring is your mom uh dead body in your attic i change her outfit every day
00:25:16lewis that's your mom
00:25:21he got you
00:25:27so so what are you like german or something he's greek what you paying attention all right
00:25:36chris come on give us something crazy about your life there's got to be something you ever
00:25:40have a near-death experience uh no he is gonna after the show you motherfucker talking about my mom
00:25:46again i'll kick box your ass back to canada you piece of me no i've never almost died you ever
00:25:54saved
00:25:54anyone's life um i almost saved someone's life tell us about that they died yeah
00:26:04what happened uh well it's gonna get a little sad but my dad died like two years ago like in
00:26:10front of
00:26:10me wow how did your dad die uh he had a heart attack and wow and i hopped in did
00:26:18cpr and
00:26:20no mouth to mouth like don't worry yeah yeah he's not tom brady or anything but got it but you
00:26:27did
00:26:27do mouth to mouth no no no did you do uh chest compress chest compressions yeah did you do mouth
00:26:32to
00:26:32cock how long did you do chest compressions for well about five minutes yeah wow and then the
00:26:42paramedics arrived yeah canadian paramedics yeah they were late they were like real wacky yeah
00:26:49just chest compressions on his belly button or sure yeah sure about a horseback yeah oh he just
00:26:56needs some maple syrup i'm sorry we lost them we lost them i'm sorry oh my goodness how long ago
00:27:05was
00:27:05this uh two years next month damn yeah did you get this is gonna sound insensitive
00:27:13when you're doing the chest compression was there a second where his eye just kind of
00:27:17just did that move thing where you thought you had saved him but then realized no
00:27:25no no that was it sorry are you
00:27:32do you have to wear two scarves good question great question do you have to wear two scarves on those
00:27:40cold
00:27:41canadian days i'm anti-scarf anti-turtleneck those two products have discriminated against
00:27:47my neck size wow amazing peyton anything else for this guy i see you eyeball i i mean i don't
00:27:55think so
00:27:56i really i thought i like your vibe appreciate it yeah yeah i had nothing mean to say to you
00:28:01yeah you
00:28:01have a good energy chris you're a good guy i'm sorry that i didn't hear you say that you're greek
00:28:08um here's a big joke book we'll keep it moving along there you go chris thank you
00:28:12gerasimo everybody oh this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket
00:28:18this guy uh is a very compelling character in the history of killtony i think he's been on twice before
00:28:26very much accused of uh stealing the style of uh mitch headbird and um but you know it's kind of
00:28:35a
00:28:35bizarre situation because yes but he's also kind of like that but also not what kind of is uh but
00:28:42he is a really great joke writer i will say that so let's see what he does tonight make some
00:28:47noise
00:28:47for the return of keegan carmichael everybody
00:29:05a guy stole my wallet he's like haha i have your wallet i was like haha you have
00:29:128k of credit card debt start paying it back you bum hey you get cheese on a burrito it's free
00:29:25queso it's extra um so i'll take it in english
00:29:41i can't afford a bilingual burrito
00:29:47just make it in a language that's cost effective
00:29:52hey my sister is vegan on thanksgiving she eats alone
00:30:02i saw a sign it said in case of fire use stairs
00:30:08fuck that let's use water
00:30:13keegan carmichael
00:30:17looks like mitch sounds like mitch writes like mitch but i mean mitch ain't alive and here you are
00:30:25mitch is dead and here you are so if it's the ghost of mitch i'll fucking take it people will
00:30:31complain about it but god damn it you're doing it and that's crazy but you're yeah i think you should
00:30:37just go by the ghost of mitch headberg but i don't know what do i know the whole thing's very
00:30:43compelling
00:30:44to me because you are your own person and you do sound and look like that right so these are
00:30:48not mitch
00:30:48headberg jokes not ones that he did i don't believe right no but but it is in the style and
00:30:56he looks
00:30:56like that and he sounds like that it's very bizarre i think i was here your first time what and
00:31:02i think
00:31:03last time you were like i've never heard of mitch headberg no i actually never said that but then
00:31:08the internet just ran with it so whatever yeah that's exactly what mitch headberg would say
00:31:17i will tell you my favorite part of that is when you do that queso and cheese joke michael
00:31:21gonzalez just goes
00:31:26you did that queso and cheese joke and peyton almost came
00:31:31it is an anomaly you find these uh you find these uh you find these uh you find these great
00:31:36premises
00:31:37i mean the credit card debt you know whatever that's kind of a kind but you you're warming up
00:31:42there you're just starting but other than that everything after that very funny very interesting
00:31:49angles and premises you have a real knack for it how much time out of my own genuine curiosity
00:31:55do you think you have of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set
00:32:00possible
00:32:00oh i've i've done an hour like yeah wow i have like i have 1500 jokes but i had an
00:32:07epiphany two
00:32:08nights ago so i gotta rewrite them all yeah take us through this epiphany take us through it step by
00:32:14step what happened exactly i was high yeah we know we know that there's no doubt about that
00:32:23we knew that part keegan where were you how does it happen what did you think what was the epiphany
00:32:29oh i can't give that away i can't give that away come on yeah you can come on you're on
00:32:35you're on
00:32:35the show come on i just i watched the question south park and jordan peele okay okay to elaborate yeah
00:32:44can you can you give us some more
00:32:49the ghost pivot okay can you keep going absolutely not i gotta i have to gatekeep the ghost pivot okay
00:32:57let's
00:32:57check in with peyton i'd like to return to this free queso idea you were talking about how exactly
00:33:03does this work you gotta tell them they they ask you if you want queso you just say i don't
00:33:09need
00:33:10the translation yeah i will try that it is interesting right they have an oven they have the stovetop thing
00:33:18they have the cheese the melted cheese is queso queso's extra cheeses and the cheese even melts if you put
00:33:24in the thing what do you think about it but how much is it if i ask for march
00:33:31it's a lot more i uh keegan i think you're very funny dude i i know that the mitch headberg
00:33:37thing
00:33:37i could tell it kind of bothers you that people compare you to mitch headberg so much so uh yeah
00:33:42i
00:33:42mean i get it so have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to
00:33:46differentiate yourself a little because you really i'm almost decided your set was brilliant like really
00:33:50really really really smart jokes i'm just trying to shower and shave dude yeah yeah somehow we missed
00:33:59all three today i don't know wait and ready i'm telling you this is the future as long as that
00:34:10heart holds up he's gonna be you know what tony you are gay i like it when you say it
00:34:19you should you
00:34:20you should call your new tour the 2026 and then we'll see tour you're gonna have a heart attack
00:34:28and chris is gonna come out here and fail saving your life hey guys lay off
00:34:35so keegan i do find it so compelling that i am gonna get back into uh this line of questioning
00:34:41that
00:34:42i'd imagine you hate but again it's so interesting and people you know maybe i'm playing devil's advocate
00:34:48here but have you thought because of what everyone will think every time they see you of maybe let's
00:34:56just say cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that have you thought about it
00:35:00what can you take us through the process of being exactly like mitch edberg you said delivery and
00:35:05keegan's about to come again yeah
00:35:10you know nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it okay sure but seriously seriously keegan back to
00:35:20the question i hear you that's a good answer but i'm not saying to cut it i'm saying have you
00:35:25thought
00:35:26about getting away from the mitch edberg thing oh i just like to write jokes man i understand try that
00:35:33joke
00:35:34try one of those jokes in a like a different style yeah throw the n-word in there
00:35:48all right i can't do i can't do that translation
00:35:57tell me he's a funny guy and you're right tony i've seen interviews with you where you don't act
00:36:05as mitchy you act kind of more normal so it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that
00:36:10it would be way better for your career if you do that why would i do something that makes people
00:36:15stop
00:36:15talking about me oh interesting wow okay i like this that's why i said throw the n-word in there
00:36:23yeah i'm trying to help you all right well keegan i gotta tell you great jokes man uh you are
00:36:34your
00:36:34own kind of thing even though you're exactly like something else but you are your own thing it is
00:36:39something else there's just no way to describe it and if i just hated on it all the time that
00:36:44would
00:36:44just be annoying it would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes
00:36:49and a whole thing going on for you keegan you know i i would like to have you on the
00:36:53secret show if
00:36:53you want to look at that what a turn around
00:37:01yep there you go thank you there he goes keegan carmichael dreams do come true
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00:40:15shopify.com slash kill tony right now all right we're gonna keep it moving along we're having fun here
00:40:20tonight you guys having fun i'm having fun your next bucket pool goes by the name of adam meleve everyone
00:40:34i'm born in 2001
00:40:40it was a great year for me
00:40:45not so great for uh lower manhattan
00:40:53growing up in school we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9 11 2001
00:41:00so every year we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day and the class would
00:41:04get
00:41:04real quiet and then the teacher would break in boys and girls on this day we must remember
00:41:11that francesco's mom brought cupcakes
00:41:16oh my gosh are those chocolate frosted because this is a day i will never forget
00:41:21all right we actually had a twin in the class too francesca the teacher would tell us uh boys and
00:41:30girls i just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom a second
00:41:35tray
00:41:36of cupcakes i said our classroom it's really crazy because there was another 9 11 birthday in our school
00:41:42across the hall from us there was another 9 11 birthday a third tray of cupcakes hit over there
00:41:48really crazy is that classroom hold on go ahead now i want to hear the end of it go ahead
00:41:52go ahead
00:41:52that classroom was pentagon shaped and there was supposed to be a fourth tray but that one fell
00:41:57in the hallway on the way to the class okay there you go adam aleve everybody an entire minute 15
00:42:04seconds about the greatest tragedy in american history everybody we thought we thought it was francesca's
00:42:10mom that brought in those cupcakes but it wasn't it was the jews yeah the whole time it was the
00:42:14jews
00:42:15you'd be surprised because on the original 9 11 that's how we also celebrated it we had cupcakes ready
00:42:22how do they have the cupcakes ready check in with peyton ready down no gelatin there was
00:42:27is it just me does this guy not look and sound exactly like mitch headberg to you
00:42:35am i tweaking over here he looks a little i got heroin on the back too if you want
00:42:41i admit yeah adam malave why does it sound like you have the other guy's adam's apple stuck in your
00:42:47throat you have a little rfk junior to you what's up with your uh delivery uh i don't know i've
00:42:55never
00:42:56i've never felt too rfk you know really no one's ever brought this to your attention before someone told me
00:43:02i sound a little like mclovin but i've never heard rfk before am i the only one hearing the fact
00:43:07that
00:43:07he sounds like yeah you got it maybe i'm a little raspy today sorry about that you you under the
00:43:12weather or something no no no not at all oh okay uh yeah uh you clocked me as jewish so
00:43:17good job there
00:43:18are you jewish i am i saw right away what did i say to you yeah he did he walked
00:43:23out and already
00:43:24leaned over he goes yeah he's one of mine yeah yeah i play for the team yeah yeah proudly all
00:43:31right
00:43:32okay adam yeah how long you been doing stand-up uh seven years seven years where at uh from new
00:43:39york right i took the train here actually okay very very it took three days two nights to get here
00:43:47i took amtrak uh you know in japan they got high speed rail i feel like in america we have
00:43:52the
00:43:52opposite and i feel like they try to like make the train slower on purpose you know the conductors they
00:43:58take smoke breaks at stations they like you're turning more into rfk as we speak have you guys
00:44:05ever taken the amtrak i mean what is with those things i'm getting 420 boys smoke breaks are too long
00:44:15i'm gonna go to the snack cart i'll be right back adam what do you do for a living uh
00:44:20right now well i used
00:44:21to do financial consulting but no no way you a jew in new york finances come on no on the
00:44:31train no
00:44:34no no i uh i actually started the open mic website in new york called comedic i have stickers for
00:44:39you
00:44:40guys if you'd like no no no no no no no no no no hey speak for yourself i'm trying
00:44:44to build a career
00:44:45oh are you going to are he's going to resell the stickers are he's going to resell the stickers
00:44:51peyton thinks they're punk stickers he made me empty my pockets i'll give you after you
00:44:54tease i'm sorry wait what do i i got something on okay relax no one cares about your gay stickers
00:45:02let's keep it on the i got a kiwi wow it just blows up they didn't check the hoodie pocket
00:45:10that's the
00:45:11one pocket they didn't put it away i'm the only fruit on this stage let's go there you go i
00:45:15can
00:45:16do it to myself you guys eat it up you homos all right adam tell us more about your life
00:45:23tell us
00:45:24something interesting about you that would surprise us yeah um i mean the i do stand up all over new
00:45:29york
00:45:30i have a weekly show in brooklyn uh i started the open mic website again we you already said that
00:45:34okay they're so annoying that you just keep saying that you keep you just open mic no one gives a
00:45:38about an open mic website in new york that's fair can you say anything other than an open mic website
00:45:44in new york yeah uh i'm about to have my 69th body party what my 69th body party what is
00:45:50that to
00:45:50celebrate my 69th body can you explain that more yeah i can't believe you've had sex with 68 men
00:46:00i don't believe it uh no other way uh no but yeah 69th body party i'm very excited gonna be
00:46:06at the
00:46:06brooklyn art house on may 23rd you guys are all invited to come by are you for real yeah you're
00:46:11celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with yeah i'm at 70 now but yeah okay all right and 15
00:46:21of
00:46:21them are gonna show up so it's gonna be nice okay wow so adam tell us about that what are
00:46:26your tricks to uh
00:46:27how do you uh trick these women
00:46:32i mean i i'm a very like enthusiastic positive person and i i listen sometimes i swallowed a diamond ring
00:46:39earlier you think you can get it out for me are you i'm just looking at your eyes are you
00:46:43part asian
00:46:44or part newt no no no not at all people say i look like a young mark zuckerberg or like
00:46:50a gen z elon musk
00:46:51but then you know other people think i just look like a bisexual wasian so um i don't know if
00:46:56that's
00:46:56i think you look like mitch hedberg i think you got the berg part right that's for sure yeah yeah
00:47:02um take that okay adam malave from new york um have you ever seen adam before you're a big
00:47:10i've never seen him and i hope i never do again it's the last time i will ever hear this
00:47:15name now
00:47:15you're you're funny dude yeah i can tell you got chops you're a funny dude hey i uh i really
00:47:19can't
00:47:19believe that 70 women have let you say when you're 24 years old 24 yeah first of all i i
00:47:25wouldn't let
00:47:25you near my finances yeah you're a child uh second of all i can't believe that in just 24 years
00:47:33you've
00:47:33been able to bed 70 women that's crazy i have a question i have a financial question yeah how much
00:47:38is a 70 pack of ghb cost it took a second i didn't know that's what ghb was for a
00:47:46sec but
00:47:47i don't know uh it's what you put inside of the kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket
00:47:52that'd be cute can i trade you a kiwi for the joke book no i don't want your kiwi no
00:47:59here's the
00:48:00joke book though there you go there he goes adam aleve everyone thanks i'm gonna keep it moving
00:48:05here bye there he goes adam aleve there he goes all right a little fist bump from the fellow jew
00:48:13there
00:48:13it is when they see each other out in the wild how about one more time for the lovely heidi
00:48:25everybody
00:48:29clearing saging the room of all those jewy 9-11 jokes we just heard all right this looks like a
00:48:35fun name put your hands together for your next bucket pool it's royal oats yeah i don't know if you
00:48:48can
00:48:48tell by looking at me in the cleavage that i'm showing right now but it's a lot of muscle up
00:48:53under
00:48:54here right and you know the first thing they say about people when they got muscles right is they
00:48:59on steroids and i don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool right i have a problem with
00:49:06what they say about people on steroids right like this one trick tried to come at me and she was
00:49:11like
00:49:11i know you're addicted shriveled up to this small because all the steroids you use and i had to correct
00:49:18her right i was like first of all um it's not your dick they say it's your balls right and
00:49:28i've never
00:49:29had sex with a woman when she could i've never had sex with a woman and she get on the
00:49:35phone with
00:49:35a homegirl the next day and she's like hello she's like hello hey what you doing nothing what you doing
00:49:41nothing did you fuck royal she said and did she how was the dick she said the dick was good
00:49:47but she
00:49:47said uh-uh but what bitch she said bitch he had small balls right i'm talking about balls so small
00:49:55you could have went to vegas and shot dice with the motherfuckers okay right she said here i am
00:50:01all right is there more there royal let me finish it i'll let you finish it all right i'm sorry
00:50:07royal
00:50:08thank you sorry royal let me finish your honor please your honor you giant black man finish the
00:50:15joke let me finish it she said she said here i am being a freaky bitch trying to get teabag
00:50:25and this
00:50:26nigga brawl salt and pepper packages that's the end okay there you go royal hell yeah welcome welcome
00:50:34appreciate it i love it first of all congratulations on beating brock lesnar at wrestlemania
00:50:40second of all welcome how long you've been doing stand-up i've been doing it for 10 years man
00:50:44where at atlanta or florida i'm from tulsa oklahoma oh wow i would not the only nigga there hell i
00:50:50was
00:50:50gonna say you see him now exactly what i was going to say what tony yes i was gonna use
00:50:55those exact
00:50:56words you go ahead tell me whatever you want i want to tell another joke you know what i'm gonna
00:51:03let
00:51:03you do it spotlight give them the spotlight listen white people i love holidays man i really do my
00:51:21favorite holiday would have to be no doubt saint patty's day you get to run around wearing green
00:51:27pinching people on the ass and saying irish shit like conor mcgregor conor mcgregor you know
00:51:35lucky me charms i don't know i'm fucking racist right my second favorite holiday would have to be
00:51:40no doubt cinco de mayo right that's when mexicans get together sell cocaine and kill each other
00:51:48trust me i've seen four seasons of the narcos i know exactly how this shit works the problem i have
00:51:54with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays right you know when you think about
00:51:59black holidays what do we have martin luther king day and what is martin luther king day a bunch of
00:52:04niggas running around in the cold with sweaters on with martin luther king face on it y'all white
00:52:08people don't even show up for that shit right and then our other holiday is juneteenth like my man
00:52:15if i was to ask you what juneteenth what would you say niggas that's the day they free the slaves
00:52:21all you know is the bank is closed okay so i have a suggestion right i have a tattoo
00:52:28to suggest a holiday that i think that black people would love okay right let me show y'all right
00:52:35now
00:53:01is this not kill tony or what
00:53:08oh
00:53:08shit could you imagine that shit niggas running around with knives scurrying white bitches half to
00:53:13death
00:53:18i'm here kill tony all right you're here here you're here i got a lot of notes
00:53:25i don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on saint patty's day i'm pretty sure you're
00:53:29committing i think that's the rule ain't it where the irish people at you piece them on the ass they
00:53:32don't have green on that's the rule that's the thing you dumb ass italian you don't do it in the
00:53:38ass though you just pinch them can i have my wallet back
00:53:44hold on royal royal royal please don't take anything out of the wallet please the
00:53:48niggas ain't got no money in there anyway no no no it's tied up there's a fake robbery
00:53:54it's it's in savings he has he's fully invested in chipotle all right royal you just interrupt
00:54:00whatever you want perfect let me pick my jacket up yes okay all right royal if i gave you 200
00:54:08dollars would you be willing to my girlfriend in front of me
00:54:12yes long as i can open for you the next night oh yeah you can you can you can headline
00:54:16the show
00:54:16to be honest i'll open for you royal oats this is amazing so let's talk about the oj tattoo
00:54:25yeah because that really has a bronco there too it's the knife the bronco i brought it all together
00:54:30he really does have the glove the bronco i don't know if you're in on that i don't know if
00:54:37that
00:54:37camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do but it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo i've
00:54:44ever seen in my 41 years on planet earth again all we're looking at all we're applauding is the
00:54:53tattoo the body is just okay but i'm sure you work hard at it trust me i know i stare
00:54:59at black
00:55:00muscular men all day but i'm not here if you're wondering what i'm doing kiss oj huh tony kiss
00:55:06okay royal this is not your first time kissing a black guy right chill the out i'm taking back over
00:55:12here how long you've been on stand-up 10 years 10 years what do you do for work exactly um
00:55:17i mostly
00:55:18try to post my dick on only fans hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe uh-huh but how do
00:55:22you make
00:55:23money i do uber i do uber okay yeah uh have you ever thought about combining those two things
00:55:32uber on the sum there i like that you say you do uber but from the looks of you it
00:55:36looks like you do
00:55:37lift yeah i love the lift man very good i love the live positive positive joke i want to be
00:55:42hanging
00:55:42there you go all right so you do uber and uber eats you do all the ubers just uber i
00:55:48don't really care
00:55:49what kind of car do you have what are you picking people up and i got it i got one
00:55:52of those electronic
00:55:53ubers i was gonna guess you're a piggyback uber driver they're all different types now you order
00:55:59an uber and they give you a piggyback ride okie dokie uh you know what they say tony if the
00:56:05joke
00:56:05doesn't hit you must acquit that's true that's true i did i had a wallet i'll give it to you
00:56:15for that one
00:56:16all right royal oats uh an incredible uh you took a real stab at it here tonight
00:56:24um what else would surprise us about your life royal everything everything about my life is crazy
00:56:29what kind of women are you into how big of white women are you into exactly size depends on the
00:56:35woman you know if we put a wig on peyton right now how hard i can get a bad bitch
00:56:42uh-huh i can still
00:56:43get a bad bitch i got a little love left in me right but what do you settle for is
00:56:48what i want to
00:56:48know i don't know man it's depending on what time of night it is that's right you know i like
00:56:54that hell
00:56:55yeah uh if i had one critique of your act it's just like uh the the premise of the of
00:57:05the that having
00:57:07small balls is bad i didn't care for it i think having small balls is some of the most powerful
00:57:16things you could have would you rather suck big ones no but i'd rather have big ones and
00:57:22aureus huge balls big balls gotta get away with big dick crazy balls it sounds like extra work for a
00:57:29woman i can't believe i'm about to say this but enough talk about balls and dick up here uh how
00:57:34many
00:57:34times have you been pulled over in tulsa oklahoma oh my god 183 times when they pull you over do
00:57:40they
00:57:40go i thought we got them all yeah this tattoo it's actually you handing the cups your license
00:57:48does it really happen a lot you get pulled over a lot in tulsa not as much as i used
00:58:02to when i was
00:58:02junker right yeah have you been arrested before of course of course for what well at one point
00:58:10in my life i was doing life without in prison whoa tell us more about this so i got life
00:58:16without
00:58:16for a drug trafficking um case and um the police end up being like a dirty cop um so the
00:58:23end up going
00:58:24back to trial and they end up giving me a plea deal that i took and i was able to
00:58:28get out of prison
00:58:28again wow did you really commit the crime or yeah i was definitely something
00:58:37got me they got me down i'd like to see it dude life without life without parole that was some
00:58:43crazy drill well they offered me life and they was like either you take the life and do like 15
00:58:48years or we take it to trial i was like you know like if i'm going to waste 15 years
00:58:51i might as well
00:58:52just take it to trial and it worked out it might be happened by taking it yeah you saw the
00:58:56oj trial he
00:58:56was like i got this they're gonna be on my side you know you're in the criminal justice system when
00:59:04you shorten it to life without yeah straight up i was meant to be here yeah i was meant to
00:59:11be here man
00:59:11amazing so when you how long were you in there when you got word that the prosecutor was dirty
00:59:18i knew all the um not the prosecutor no being it was a dirty cop sure oh that's what sure
00:59:23so i knew
00:59:23all the time that he was a dirty cop but it was like three years before they actually took him
00:59:27to
00:59:27trial oh amazing peyton ruddy why've been great today gotta be great i had nothing on that
00:59:40royal oats i mean the set was just okay but i love your interview uh you've been sitting out on
00:59:46some
00:59:47things oh you want to do more so i'm just kidding i'm not giving you i want you to know
00:59:52like um i
00:59:52don't know if you ever seen me like i was viral um on the internet for uh i had a
00:59:57fight at a comedy
00:59:58show where um a dude ended up getting i ended up hitting the dude with a microphone oh yeah like
01:00:04like
01:00:04it was like really crazy man big fight wow you hit a comic with a microphone no i hit a
01:00:09fan i hit like
01:00:10a crowd guy he came up to the stage what exactly you can look it up it's like i believe
01:00:14it we're not
01:00:14gonna look it up right now what what can you describe it you have a microphone you're a professional i
01:00:18had a microphone and i'm telling jokes right and i hear a guy booing right so i look in the
01:00:23i look
01:00:24out on the stage like okay well you're booing i can roast right so when i look at him i'm
01:00:29like oh you
01:00:30look like jaheem 2001 put that woman first outfit on right so i think he's going to come back with
01:00:35another roast he was like you gay and i was like it sucks doesn't it when that happens and the
01:00:41crowd
01:00:41fucking goes crazy it's a it's a loophole in the system and i'm sick of it that happens to you
01:00:51too
01:00:51did it did you know what you and i should have dinner and talk about this get out of your
01:00:58royal
01:00:58looks great appearance great interview great tattoo we love his tattoo it's a great tattoo very funny
01:01:08all right this is a hootenanny of a show i love it oh my goodness gracious
01:01:16every time heidi leans over our ari he gets a full two and a half inches erect he's son of
01:01:22a
01:01:22bitch you know i did though you know i did that all right one word name your next bucket pool
01:01:28our
01:01:28first one word name of the night always interesting these one word names make some noise for surjan
01:01:33everybody surjan so my name is surgeon i don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me but
01:01:45my
01:01:46parents are brown immigrants and my mom she wanted me to be a doctor so bad she named me surgeon
01:01:53it's fucked up i know so much pressure imagine being named after a job but my name is kind of
01:01:57cool my siblings they got it so much worse my older brother his name is engineer yeah and he grew
01:02:03up to
01:02:03be an engineer because he's a suck up but my little sister she has the worst name i feel so
01:02:07bad for her
01:02:08they didn't really believe in her that much so they named her abortion
01:02:14um just to get real for a second i don't know if you guys are still doing your new year's
01:02:17resolution but
01:02:17as of today i'm officially four months sober thank you thank you it's been four months since i last
01:02:24said the n-word yeah staying strong staying strong and for my last joke i need you guys to play
01:02:30along
01:02:30with me you know how this goes knock knock my cat leo
01:02:39oh i was hoping i was at a minute but i didn't get it wow i i sped through it
01:02:47i sped through it
01:02:47oh there you go we were close though what's up leo i mean checking with peyton ready that's okay i
01:02:53think that was a mitch hedberg joke anyway i think you did i think i can't leo he was in
01:02:59the difference
01:02:59between like royal oats who's like a real man and how much he came through the microphone and
01:03:05every other comic tonight i was like yeah it's been four months since you said the n-word but
01:03:12be honest when royal oats just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped you definitely
01:03:17thought about it am i right after you after you walked away right yeah exactly you don't want him
01:03:21reading your mind yeah yeah i'm staying sober yeah sir john how uh much time did you prepare your eyebrows
01:03:29for tonight 25 years okay is that how old you are yes sir 25 how long you've been doing stand
01:03:36-up two
01:03:37and a half years where at dallas that's where you live that's where you were born and raised i was
01:03:42born
01:03:42in nepal but i came to america when i was six years old well that set was nepaling
01:03:48hell yeah damn sorry i thought i thought it was good i thought i thought somebody would like it i'm
01:03:53sorry
01:03:55i will say dude if that cat thing hit it would have been a standing fucking ovation in here i
01:04:00i
01:04:00that would have been the most brilliant moment in kill tony history but it was eight seconds of us
01:04:04staring at you how are you planning on timing that the guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're
01:04:10talking there's a lunatic move there's no way you'd get that i've done it many times at comedy clubs in
01:04:16dallas there's 100 videos on my phone exactly a minute i think i was i thought and they have a
01:04:21cat
01:04:21sound at this comedy club um i do it you've practiced that 100 and after 96 times on your
01:04:27phone you're like i need more videos i have i have two terabytes storage so like i can just keep
01:04:32recording but yeah wow bragger i love how you were like all right i love how you're like all right
01:04:40how
01:04:40can i land this plane a knock knock joke yeah i i it's one of the most traditional forms of
01:04:47jokes and
01:04:48i love jokes and yeah back in 1932 maybe explaining to us a knock knock joke right now well it's
01:04:54one of
01:04:54the oldest forms of why did the chicken cross the road to get the away from your scent
01:05:02okay it crossed the road to get to his cat leo
01:05:08my cat would eat up that chicken do you really have a cat named leo okay so surgeon uh what
01:05:13type of brown
01:05:14are you exactly i'm from nepal so you are nepalese nepalese exactly uh both parents are both parents
01:05:20what made them move to dallas so we got the diversity lottery shout out to my mom the diversity lottery
01:05:26yeah what wow they were white until then so so it's like a powerball or something i think it was
01:05:34reagan
01:05:34or carter they had this policy where 50 000 people from around the world nepal was selected around that
01:05:39side talk slower and into the tip of the microphone sorry the other thing what is going on over there
01:05:46sorry you're on the show right now yes okay so my my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there
01:05:52was a civil
01:05:52war happening in nepal and then luckily i was from a village literally grew up like taking a shower the
01:05:58same river that my grandfather did and taking a shower in the same river like as kids we had like
01:06:04a little
01:06:04like pump pump thingy but like we didn't just jump in i mean it was like for fun and stuff
01:06:10as a kid
01:06:10oh yes yeah there you go yes welcome back very rare for a jew to help a brown guy in
01:06:18any way
01:06:19my favorite jew that's right sir john go ahead see we're showering in a river with a water pump this
01:06:26is
01:06:26incredible so that's how by the way that's how peyton gets a sputter on his uh toast in the morning
01:06:31all right that sucked hey why did the chicken cross the road to get into your rotisserie
01:06:42you ruined my setup
01:06:46sir john go ahead so yeah i was born in a village like literally in gitanagar village
01:06:51um and then i came to america when i was six years old i brought a car and a plane
01:06:55within the first
01:06:57time within the same week right um i came to america in dallas texas i lived in irving and
01:07:02then now i live in ulis um but i mean i my first job was water burger i feel like
01:07:06i'm a texan even
01:07:07though i'm an immigrant right i feel like america like immigrant is land of immigrants and i feel like
01:07:13i'm very texan even though i was born this audience hates this they're like fuck you dude am i am
01:07:18i
01:07:19building momentum we're building lewis refuses to let anything build he's from the legion of skanks where they
01:07:24interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason can i take my jacket it doesn't
01:07:28make any sense can i take my jacket you want to take your job what are you going to sweat
01:07:31what do
01:07:31you know i don't sweat i actually tell me you have an oj tattoo no no no no no i
01:07:37i he's got a 9 11
01:07:39tattoo 100 okay go ahead whatever you're doing go ahead okay the arms are less hairy than anybody
01:07:46would have expected my chip they i have the hair on my chest oh there it is yeah jesus christ
01:07:52yeah wait
01:07:53now that you got the jacket off you're feeling yourself a bit do the knock knock joke again
01:07:57can i just come back out we cut this i'm just kidding i'm just kidding
01:08:06so you said your first job was at whataburger what exactly is your job now um i work as a
01:08:12solutions
01:08:12architect for an i.t company so i just help find customers find problems to technical like find
01:08:17solutions to technical problems yes ari shafir that's such a build up from whataburger to that
01:08:23i mean i've had a lot of jobs like i always work i grew up um like you know wanting
01:08:29money so i always
01:08:30worked and um i started my way up and you know i'm i'm uh i mean hopefully one day i
01:08:37can be a
01:08:38worker i can work here where exactly like right you want to fix the neons or something what are you
01:08:44pointing out i i can find a solution for that too if you need but i want to be on
01:08:48the stage i've never
01:08:49done comedy in front of this many people it's amazing good for you dude that's awesome you're
01:08:54doing it yeah and i was i came today i um i signed up since my 15th time signing up
01:09:00yeah i signed up once
01:09:01a month uh every month last year and i kind of like stopped coming this year but it was 420
01:09:06on a monday
01:09:07i was like my driver license has a 420 on it i gotta come i got what has a 420
01:09:12on it my driver
01:09:12license has a four starts with 420 and ends with 69 so i think i'm born to be a comedian
01:09:17i swear to
01:09:18god i'll bring it out i swear to all my hindu gods i'll bring it up yeah i like your
01:09:24style man you're
01:09:25so genuine and you're kind of like a sweet boy it's incredible right he's like you know i'm just happy
01:09:32to
01:09:32have the opportunity i started at a whataburger worked my way up i took a car and a train or
01:09:36whatever
01:09:36to get here yeah yeah he's kind of like you tony if he's brown but had no confidence yeah
01:09:43amazing search on what's your love life like um i've been do your parents only allow you to date
01:09:49nepalese girls they did who have you been promised to they they they thought they thought they wanted
01:09:54that and then i mean i started dating this girl in high school my girlfriend high school sweetheart
01:09:57we've been dating for eight years wow so we've been still together and my parents love her more than
01:10:02me probably it's a white girl no she's indian so like i just i just went south the border i
01:10:06was like
01:10:06close enough that's as close as it'll get yeah up in dallas yeah i mean nepali girls are probably all
01:10:10my
01:10:10cousins anyways i was like let me get a little bit less incest going you know yeah i want to
01:10:16know
01:10:16what that sex smells like it smells great nepalese and indian sex oh my god i can't even imagine if
01:10:23you
01:10:23want to join us like uh yeah now what are your what are your good job red man very good
01:10:32that was good
01:10:33that that is correct what do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy um they were iffy
01:10:43about it and they were like i mean like you have like good job why are you going out wednesday
01:10:48at
01:10:4810 a.m 10 p.m to go to do an open mic but um i mean they support it
01:10:53they think it's like a they don't
01:10:54really understand what it is and they don't understand like what i really want like like like
01:11:00this dream that i have but one day they'll understand and i'll show them but in the beginning
01:11:04it was rough and now you're even still today my mom's like why are you driving through i live
01:11:09in dallas i drove here so why are you driving in the rain but i mean now she's gonna see
01:11:14in three
01:11:14weeks i'm gonna be on right kill tony she's gonna see you're so deep into it so deep is also
01:11:18the name
01:11:19of your brother my my brother's name is nurjan and he's actually my brother's name is nurjan i'm
01:11:26surgeon he's nurjan and you're surgeon nurjan what is your mom dr seuss
01:11:32he actually is a doctor yeah it's one fish two fish brown fish brown fish you know
01:11:40i love this yeah ah
01:11:44sir john keep doing the work man work hard dallas has a lot of places you can get up
01:11:49go to all the clubs keep working do it chase your dreams buddy i'll be back
01:11:55have a great joke he's such a positive guy yeah he really is
01:12:02especially for one of the brown people you know what i mean it's like the nicest terrorist we've
01:12:07ever had on this show uh speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams this guy won a golden
01:12:15ticket a couple months ago he is very funny and we're gonna see him right now ladies and gentlemen
01:12:21this is the return the third ever appearance i do believe of orhune tomorrow everybody here he comes
01:12:35this comedy bit is gonna lose its potency after a black guy but i love fat girl so much
01:12:42this comedy bit is gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna
01:12:43lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's
01:12:43gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose
01:12:43it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna
01:12:43lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's
01:12:43gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose
01:12:43it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna
01:12:43lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna lose it's
01:12:43gonna lose it's gonna lose it's gonna
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