- 6 hours ago
Animal Control - Season 4 Episode 12 - Golden Moose and Wiener Dogs
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Good morning, Seattle, and welcome to Old Town's 17th annual Wiener Parade.
00:06We've got food trucks, we've got marching bands, and of course, the Wiener Queen.
00:11At 17 years old, Her Majesty is the longest living wiener in Washington's history.
00:17I don't like going better to this. Something feels off.
00:20You just say that every time we experience whimsy.
00:23No, a parade is no place for whimsy. Whimsy is for college improv teams before they all have sex with
00:27each other, ruining the dynamic.
00:29Deems, this is Ace. I've got a pocket queen. Check in. Is everything copacetic?
00:32No, it's your worst nightmare, Frank. People are having fun.
00:35Yeah, everything's cool. There's all that and a bag of chips.
00:38You want to eat something, Vince?
00:45Put your hands together for the Memorial High School marching band, the Fighting Badgers.
00:51For the love of God, no. Dachshunds hunt badgers. It's in their DNA, along with short legs and back problems.
01:01Take your hands off! Show him you're a man!
01:05Take your hands off!
01:09Jacob! I need Jacob!
01:14Where are you?
01:15I lost the queen. She's old and blind. She doesn't stand a chance.
01:18I got eyes on the queen.
01:19Unfortunately, she's in the middle of a sausage party, and we're all invited.
01:24I saved the queen!
01:27I mean, it's a dog, but still, dressed like a queen, it's peeing all over me!
01:35I watch the queen.
02:09Are you going to be like this for the entire two-hour bus ride?
02:11Well, I for one am jazzed because two of our cootie nominees hail from our very own precinct.
02:16We have Frank Shaw and Templeton Dunn.
02:22Yeah!
02:25Future winners get the board of the bus first.
02:26Let's bring home that hard way of T-Rofy!
02:28You know, there's a world where Templeton's compression socks cut the blood off to his heart and I win by
02:33default.
02:33Frank, I'm really excited to watch you.
02:35Glad hand on the campaign trail, but I do have one note.
02:37Too handsome?
02:38Yeah, it's a curse.
02:39I've had to deal with most of my life since a very successful puberty.
02:42We need to talk handshakes.
02:43You come from a time when it was fun to squeeze hard, but that's not where we're at now.
02:47Yeah, see that?
02:48That's crazy.
02:49I need you to win the golden moose so that Templeton doesn't because I know him and he's going to
02:53try and leverage a win to take over the precinct.
02:55So, no pressure, but I need you at your most charming and least offensive.
02:58Well, it's tricky because people find my offensiveness charming.
03:00If he takes over, I mean, it's going to be a nuclear winter.
03:03Forced overtimes, creepy one-on-one performance reviews, and say goodbye to riddle of the day.
03:08Riddle of the day is the first thing to go.
03:10After that, we're going gender-specific uniforms, girls in skirts, boys in shorts.
03:19Are you leaving for good?
03:20Supplies for my annual cocktail party.
03:22We had a huge crowd for Speakeasy for Sheezy last year.
03:25This year's theme is Freaky Tiki.
03:27I don't know what to expect.
03:28I'm loving Akuti Patel, man.
03:3048 hours away from the family, so full of life.
03:32It's a little glimpse of what could have been, brother.
03:34Okay, no flaming cocktails, though, because after the fire that Victoria started last year, we're kind of on thin ice
03:39with the menu.
03:40Um, you neglect to mention me saving all of our co-workers by pulling the fire alarm.
03:44All that's filling my margarita al fuego.
03:45Thanks to you, I spent the evening shivering on the sidewalk.
03:48Yeah, because you ripped your shirt off as you were running down the hallway.
03:50That was for speed.
03:52Look, I'm sure it was an accident, sort of, but you know you're banned from the hotel, right?
03:56No, no, no, I'm banned from booking a room at the hotel.
03:58That doesn't mean that I can't find someone to crash with, and this is, like, the horniest animal control weekend
04:02of the year.
04:03I'm sure someone will take it astray.
04:05All right, let's get everyone on the bus.
04:10Welcome, everybody.
04:11I'm Wayne Peters, and I'm running this year's a cooties.
04:14Quick administrative housekeeping note.
04:15Uh, I've noticed a few officers walking around in these What Happens in Bellingham t-shirts.
04:21This is a work event, and we do not want a repeat of last year.
04:25No, we do not.
04:26You?
04:27Because what happens in Bellingham can wind up on your professional record.
04:31Okay, let's go get them.
04:34Meantime, cocktails and so forth.
04:36Enjoy yourselves.
04:38Hey, so I haven't checked in yet.
04:40Should we try to get conjoining rooms?
04:42What?
04:43No, of course not.
04:43Didn't you hear what Wayne said?
04:45Does this still work?
04:46Wait, so everybody's going to hook up with a co-worker here except for us?
04:49Exactly.
04:53Morgan from Oregon.
04:54Oh, I barely recognize you with that pretty dress.
04:56Get out of here, girl.
04:57Jerry, any coot flats on the empty nest, brother?
05:00My kids are doing great, though.
05:01I've got one in travel soccer.
05:02The other one's doing debate.
05:04Wait, what am I talking about my kids at a party?
05:06Big thing you know, I'll be trying to show you pictures of my baby eating with a fork.
05:10It's pretty cute, though.
05:13Hey, cheers to last year's a cootie winner.
05:16Did they put you up in a penthouse?
05:18No, just a garden unit.
05:19Hmm, tell me more about this unit.
05:21It's pretty nice.
05:21It's got one of those retractable clotheslines in the shower and everything.
05:24My clothes get so wet.
05:26And he looks confident.
05:28I was a nervous wreck this time last year, and I didn't even have to write a speech.
05:31Wait, Frank has to give a speech?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Can I talk to you out here for a second?
05:36Okay, everybody here is going nuts on each other.
05:39On the walk over, every other door had a do not disturb sign on.
05:42Just try not to think about it, you know?
05:43Enjoy the party.
05:46Okay, yeah, this is rough.
05:47She is really getting in there.
05:49Yeah.
05:49You can count on the guy that rescued 24 animals in 24 hours.
05:53Hey, um, did you know that you have to make a speech tomorrow night?
05:57Yeah, acceptance.
05:58No, this is a speech about what being an animal control officer means to you, and it's a new thing
06:01this year.
06:02Whoa, wait.
06:03You have to give a speech and you didn't know about it?
06:04Guys, I know that I have to give a speech.
06:08Now, if you'll excuse me.
06:11Oh, are you enjoying the party?
06:13Damn it, if you'll excuse me.
06:16Okay.
06:17Okay.
06:30Thank you, baby.
06:31I memorized this three weeks ago.
06:33I have a photographic memory.
06:35That's why women don't change in front of me.
06:36Yeah, that's one of the reasons why.
07:06You kept the speech requirement from me?
07:08Stop.
07:17Hi.
07:18Oh, if it isn't the almost arsonist of Bellingham.
07:21Oh, I can't talk right now.
07:24I'm writing the speech.
07:25I just hit a flow state.
07:27Oh, let's see what's flowed out of you so far.
07:29Well, the faucet's not fully cranked.
07:31What does job mean to Frank?
07:34Uh, Templeton really screwed you over.
07:35You might as well do your go-to and rip your shirt off
07:37because you're not going to win people over with this.
07:39I just started an hour ago.
07:42I'll tell you what.
07:43I'll help you with your speech.
07:44You let me crash here.
07:45So your alley cat and heat strategy didn't work on anyone?
07:48You know what?
07:49I think I've underestimated the emotional trauma
07:52escaping a burning building leaves on people.
07:54And I bought these to sweeten the deal.
07:56Screw tops.
07:56Way to go.
08:02Thanks for meeting me here.
08:03I know it's not the honeymoon suite,
08:06but, you know, it's ours.
08:11Okay, why are you kissing me like I'm your grandmother?
08:15Okay, I know this whole thing is hard.
08:18Yeah, it is.
08:19You won't come to my room,
08:20but we have to meet in, like,
08:21the coldest place in the hotel.
08:23You know I hate it, too,
08:24but there's nothing we can really do about it.
08:26Yeah, but there is, though.
08:27You said we could tell people two months ago,
08:29and it's been four months.
08:30Okay, well, the two-month thing
08:31was just kind of like an estimate.
08:33It's just starting to feel like
08:35maybe you don't want people to know
08:36because I'm not worth the risk.
08:38Like, that you don't think this can actually work.
08:42Ugh, this is hopeless.
08:45No, you just,
08:46you have to hook people emotionally.
08:48Like, that's the only way to win them over
08:50because people are stupid
08:51and they're ruled by their dumb hearts.
08:53I've spent a lifetime bottling up my feelings.
08:55You want me to spill it to these plebs?
08:57Yes, give me a good sob story.
09:00Ugh, this is so beneath me.
09:05I had an awful dog named Buddy.
09:07Okay, not a great start.
09:08Here's the sad part.
09:10My mom got sick.
09:12Great, we're getting somewhere.
09:13Okay, let me write this down.
09:14And I don't know how,
09:15but Buddy sensed that I needed him
09:19and he turned into the sweetest guy.
09:23And on the morning my mom died,
09:25Buddy wouldn't leave my side.
09:27He knew my pain.
09:32Animals are amazing.
09:34Growing up,
09:35my bird always knew when I was high.
09:38Every time.
09:40He was the best.
09:42Sometimes when I'm in the field
09:43and I see a dog that looks like Buddy,
09:46it reminds me of how great animals are to us.
09:52And I want to try my best for them.
09:55Unless the Buddy lookalike is rapid
09:57and then, of course, I keep my distance.
10:00I don't think I've ever heard you talk
10:02like an actual person before.
10:04Please do not tell anyone
10:07what has transpired here.
10:09I'm going to tell everyone.
10:17Frank, Frank, are you pooping?
10:19I need you, man.
10:22What is it?
10:23Hey, ma'am, me and Emily had a fight
10:25and I just...
10:27I need a bro to lean on right now.
10:29Oh, wait, what happened?
10:30Is Emily okay?
10:31She's fine.
10:32I'm distraught.
10:33I'm sorry, do you mind?
10:34I think the boys need the room.
10:37Okay.
10:41I will text you the speech.
10:47Oh, love.
10:51Emily, take off your sleep apnea mask
10:54and turn off your rainforest soundscape.
10:56I need to sleep.
10:57And I want to make sure you're okay.
11:00Do you mind shutting the hell up?
11:02Oh, yeah, I do mind, actually,
11:04because I have nowhere to go
11:05and nobody wants to have sex with me,
11:06which never happens, so...
11:15Fine.
11:16You can bunk with me.
11:17Yes.
11:17But I'm a very active sleeper,
11:18so don't crowd me or you might get punched.
11:36Daddy!
11:37Hi.
11:38You okay?
11:40Hi.
11:41Uh, what are you guys doing here?
11:43Let's go to the swimming pool.
11:44Hi, kids.
11:45I miss you so much.
11:46Oh, my God, you'll love this place.
11:48You have to come.
11:49I mean, I'm telling you,
11:49I don't think that's good about my life.
11:51It's my family.
11:52Guys, Daddy, uh,
11:54I had a lot to drink last night.
11:55Can you just...
11:56Shh.
11:57Thank you, Raquel St. James
11:58and Lieutenant Peaches.
12:00Uh, I'd also like to ask everyone else,
12:02please act respectfully to the nominees.
12:04It takes a lot of courage to get up here.
12:07Stop saying moose.
12:08It sounds like you're booing.
12:10Let's keep this a cootie train moving, huh,
12:12with our next nominee, Templeton Dutch,
12:15who has asked me to issue a strobe light warning
12:17to pregnant women and the week.
12:21Attention.
12:22You might learn something.
12:24Cue the fog.
12:34Daisy, cut the fog.
12:36Aw.
12:37I had a feast for the eyes plan,
12:39but tonight's about the animals,
12:41so I want to speak from the heart.
12:44Growing up, I had an awful dog named Buddy.
12:47Then my mom got sick.
12:49No.
12:50Cue the strings.
12:52What the hell's happening?
12:54I don't...
12:55And it's like he knew that I needed him.
12:59He turned into the sweetest guy.
13:01And when my mom died, he...
13:04He never left my side that day.
13:06First he steals my bear rescue,
13:07then he steals my desk,
13:08and now he steals my dead mom?
13:10Sometimes when I'm in a field
13:12and I see a dog that looks like Buddy,
13:14I'm reminded of all the great things
13:15that animals do for us.
13:17So I try to do my best for them.
13:25That's my slop.
13:26You fed you my slop.
13:29How did he get my slop?
13:30Daisy must have stolen it off my phone.
13:33I sure did.
13:34I put that sleeping mug up to the face ID.
13:37Two, three, four, life.
13:38Oh, he did it.
13:40Let's bring up our final nominee, Frank Shaw.
13:44Yeah!
13:45I was supposed to follow that.
13:46That was the greatest of following myself.
13:48Woo-hoo!
13:51Woo!
13:53Woo!
13:53Woo!
13:54Woo!
13:55Woo!
13:56Woo!
13:56Woo!
13:58Woo!
13:59Woo!
13:59Woo!
14:00Woo!
14:01Woo!
14:01Woo!
14:03Woo!
14:06Woo!
14:08Woo!
14:09Woo!
14:10Woo!
14:12Woo!
14:13This is like watching an old man get confused at the post office.
14:16We're screwed.
14:17Seriously, just give me the award.
14:19He's got much.
14:20I'm like, when the guy...
14:24Oh, Frank, this is not the time.
14:26Fuck.
14:27Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
14:28Fuck, I was joking when I see Tangled.
14:30Oh, shit.
14:31Oh, God, I can't watch him.
14:31Is he getting naked?
14:33No.
14:34Oh, there it is.
14:35Fuck.
14:39Woo!
14:40This guy's jacked!
14:42Woo!
14:43Olha passieren demow all of these things.
14:49It's over shit!
14:54This guy's jacked!
14:57Woo!
14:57Oh, shit.
14:59Woo!
15:04Frank Shaw
15:13Once again the hedonistic spirit of William has spoken
15:18Officer Shaw
15:22Thank you Pacific Northwest
15:28Give us love a few more bounces
15:42Hi
15:43Hi
15:44So I didn't hear my name in your acceptance speech
15:46Which is crazy because I'm basically why you won
15:48My dedication to pro team is why I won
15:51But thank you
15:52I think I saw the Portland team walking each other on leashes
15:56Tracks with people from Oregon
15:57This thing gets messier every year
16:00Yeah
16:01Things happen here that maybe wouldn't happen at home
16:07Did you find a place to crash tonight?
16:09Yeah, table 12 gave me some molly
16:11So I think I'm just gonna dance until I pick up time tomorrow
16:23Hey
16:24You got my text
16:26I was worried you weren't gonna come
16:29Hotel rooms are off limits but tiny little photo booths are okay
16:34I'm sorry that was I didn't mean it that sounded bad
16:37No, no, no
16:38I've been thinking a lot about what you said and
16:42I'm really sorry
16:44Because the truth is you are just in every way completely
16:50Definitely worth the risk
16:53So I'm gonna call my boss first thing on Monday
16:55Wait, really?
16:57Yeah, because I
17:00Well, I love you and
17:02I just want to be with you
17:05I love you too
17:07You sure you want to do this?
17:09Yeah
17:15Okay, okay, let's just stagger our entrances to be safe
17:18Because we're so close, so let's not mess up now
17:20Home stretch
17:20Okay
17:21Monday
17:23Okay
17:27I'll be good for my passport photo
17:30Pardon me, folks
17:31Good to see you
17:32Good to see you, Jim
17:35Look at that!
17:43This is bad
17:45This is really bad
17:47I heard they're serving sherbet in a few minutes
17:53Something bad happened
17:59How fast can we turn that into a poster?
18:02Business center's open 24-7
18:07Kids are finally asleep, who's ready to party?
18:11What?
18:14Oh, God, it's waiting
18:15I'm getting tired
18:16Oh, God, this is it
18:17I have to do something
18:20Oh, God, I'm going to save you
18:21Oh, God, oh, my God
18:24You are fired!
18:26Come on!
18:27This way!
18:28This way!
18:28The exit!
18:28This way!
18:29I'm glad I knew where this was
18:31It's okay
18:37It's okay
18:37All right, save me
18:47Feels right
18:47Mm-hmm
18:49Hey, congrats again, Frank
18:51And I don't say it enough, but
18:52You're my hero, man
18:54You say it all the time
18:55Now ditch that wobbly hall table
18:57And reclaim your desk
18:58Really?
19:01In fact, all shall return to their proper desks
19:04Now that I've vanquished the pale, muscularly at-a-feet beast
19:08Normalcy is returned
19:10Thank God!
19:12The napping was no good under this desk
19:16Hey, um, can I have everyone's attention?
19:19I have a little announcement
19:21Um, due to my relations with Shred, um, yeah, I've been suspended, um, pending an investigation
19:29What?
19:30Wait, I consented
19:31It's okay
19:32I consented to the whole thing
19:33Yeah, um, this means there will be an interim supervisor filling my position until, um, yeah, further notice
19:40Who's taking over?
19:41Uh, yeah, it's, um, thanks
19:55I guess I did die in that dachshund parade
19:57I'm in hell
19:59And I'm still your god
20:00Will you be the devil?
20:01Will I be your boss?
20:04The boss!
20:10Meeting meetings won't be the same without you
20:11He's already threatening to ban meeting snacks
20:14Come on, it's not goodbye, guys
20:16It's see you later
20:17Pending a thorough investigation and ethics board review and reinstatement confirmation from the mayor's office
20:22I just hope they don't subpoena our texts
20:24I sent you that Jessica Rabbit gift on your birthday
20:26I'm kidding
20:27You're gonna be fine
20:28And in the meantime, we'll make Templeton's life as hellish as possible
20:32I've already started
20:34Daisy, grab me a tire jack
20:36You're flat
20:37Again
20:38Wait, is this what it's like to not be the boss?
20:40I kind of like it
20:41Can I throw something?
20:43I'd be disappointed if you didn't
20:46Okay
20:52I've never respected you more
20:53You're flat
20:54What?
20:55What?
20:56Is this what it's like to have you in need?
20:57You
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