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BRITCOM 1
  • 11 hours ago

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00:00:14I can't believe it's over.
00:00:16An over and a glorious victory, Aziraphale.
00:00:19Quite outstanding.
00:00:21Yes, I suppose so.
00:00:23At a cost, of course.
00:00:25How many did we lose in the last offensive?
00:00:27About a hundred, I'm afraid.
00:00:28They took us by surprise.
00:00:30The whole thing was ghastly.
00:00:31Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.
00:00:37Just doing my job.
00:00:38Battle fought here.
00:00:40The center of all creation.
00:00:42Turned the tide.
00:00:44They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame.
00:00:47And they lost!
00:00:50Better tell the troops the good news, eh?
00:01:14To be a shout-out or do anything to attract attention, you will be a dead angel.
00:01:18Do you understand?
00:01:20Give me the sword.
00:01:25So you didn't actually have a weapon, then, when you were threatening me?
00:01:28No.
00:01:28Lost it in the last battle.
00:01:30Hello.
00:01:32I'm, uh...
00:01:32General Aziraphale, I know who you are.
00:01:34I saw you on the battlefield.
00:01:36I have a lot of questions.
00:01:38And nobody ever has the answers.
00:01:51It may hurt, but it'll help to staunch the wound a little.
00:01:57You know, I've spent the war smiting rebel angels.
00:02:01I've never done this before.
00:02:05Should I say thank you?
00:02:08Better not.
00:02:24Thank you for the bandage.
00:02:26Probably best if you don't, uh...
00:02:29Don't tell anyone how you got it.
00:02:36Good luck.
00:02:55And well done, everyone, on Plan Second Coming.
00:03:00And in addition, I'd like to congratulate Michael and the team on solving the logistics of materializing a full-size
00:03:09plane carrying a human passenger in mid-flight.
00:03:15I'm glad to see you're all as excited as I am.
00:03:18Any updates?
00:03:19Ah, yes.
00:03:21Muriel.
00:03:22You wanted me to tell you when he was awake and incarnate.
00:03:26And well, he is both.
00:03:29Wonderful.
00:03:29And how did he take it?
00:03:31Oh, pretty well.
00:03:33He's a bit...
00:03:34Whoa.
00:03:35I've got a body.
00:03:36What's this about, then?
00:03:37And I'm all...
00:03:38Not really my job.
00:03:39And he's all...
00:03:40I have absolutely no idea what's happening.
00:03:42And I'm all...
00:03:43Everything is set.
00:03:44We have the quite long checklist you gave us, Aziraphale.
00:03:50Nothing will go wrong.
00:03:51The car will meet the plane on the tarmac.
00:03:54The archangel Sandalthorn, good fellow, will drive the risen Christ directly to the United Nations, where Uriel and Michael will
00:04:02meet him.
00:04:03Perhaps with a cup of tea.
00:04:05Then Jesus will make his speech to all the nations of the world, in all the tongues of the world,
00:04:10and then joy unbounded, peace on earth, and all that good stuff.
00:04:15Peace on earth?
00:04:17Right.
00:04:18Any questions?
00:04:18No?
00:04:19Good.
00:04:19Right.
00:04:19Let's kick off the second coming.
00:04:26Oh, hello.
00:04:27Um, so I'm pretty sure I am Joshua, uh, son of Joseph.
00:04:33Now, my memory's a bit funny, but, um, the last thing I remember, I was being crucified.
00:04:38You transcended the flesh.
00:04:40But now you're back.
00:04:41New flesh.
00:04:42And we're sending you back to earth to bring about universal happiness.
00:04:47Are you sure you've got the right person?
00:04:49Oh, absolutely certain.
00:04:50You've spent the last couple thousand years as part of the Triune Godhead.
00:04:55But now you've got a mortal body again, so you can talk to humanity, you know.
00:04:59Mortal to mortal.
00:05:00And tell them it's the end times.
00:05:03Well, not quite.
00:05:05Not quite.
00:05:07No, that whole epoch, um, it's a bit old-fashioned.
00:05:12You know, times have changed.
00:05:13And I was thinking we might try something a little more upbeat.
00:05:16Oh, look out.
00:05:17Here comes universal happiness.
00:05:19No.
00:05:20End times.
00:05:21Or not.
00:05:23Happiness.
00:05:23Universal.
00:05:25Joy unbounded.
00:05:26Et cetera.
00:05:27Has this been signed off?
00:05:28Yes, by me.
00:05:29I'm in charge.
00:05:30For now.
00:05:31Sorry?
00:05:31Nothing.
00:05:32Where are the scars?
00:05:34I've got a carpenter's hands.
00:05:35Whole new miraculous physical body.
00:05:37You've got to have a body.
00:05:39Otherwise they're all, who said that?
00:05:40You just need to give a speech.
00:05:43Aziraphale has prepared it for you.
00:05:45You will be on every television, every phone, and each person on Earth will hear you talking to them in
00:05:51their own language.
00:05:53Miracle.
00:05:54I'm sure it'll be very motivational.
00:05:57I think we need to revisit the end times.
00:05:59No, we don't.
00:06:00And all the smiting we have to do.
00:06:02I'm not really following any of this.
00:06:04Are any of my friends here?
00:06:07Simon or Thomas?
00:06:09I'd quite like to talk to them.
00:06:10It's been a long time.
00:06:12My mum?
00:06:13Thousands of years.
00:06:15All the humans who once knew are, um, dead.
00:06:21Really?
00:06:23Well, what about the angel who visited to give me strength the night before all the, um, the nailing business?
00:06:32Um, Gabriel, I think he said.
00:06:33Oh, did he?
00:06:34Yes.
00:06:34He wasn't a lot of help, to be honest.
00:06:36I mean, he mainly spoke about himself, but.
00:06:38Also, um, not in the picture any longer.
00:06:41But that must be, wait, the redhead one, with the, um, with the funny eyes.
00:06:45Oh.
00:06:46He showed me all the cities of the world.
00:06:49Oh, he was one of your lot too, wasn't he?
00:06:51Um, not human?
00:06:53Yeah.
00:06:53Oh, is he still around?
00:06:54Not up here.
00:06:55Or in hell.
00:06:56He's down on Earth these days.
00:06:57Not really our kind of person.
00:06:59Oh, wait, no, but he seemed nice.
00:07:00If he has, uh, qualities.
00:07:04Okay, well, I mean, if I've got to go to Earth anyway.
00:07:06That won't be appropriate, I'm afraid.
00:07:07Uh, Sandalphon here will be looking after you.
00:07:10Find her.
00:07:17Wait, Mrs. Sandwich.
00:07:19I'm not giving you anything, Crowley.
00:07:21Oh, come on, Mrs. Sandwich.
00:07:23Come on, 150 quid.
00:07:24Tonight, I will finally get it back.
00:07:26Ryan won't give up anything you want fair and square, love.
00:07:28This time will be different.
00:07:32Thank you very much.
00:07:34Oh.
00:07:35Freddie Wood.
00:07:37I'll be back.
00:07:40We have a winner, Mr. Crowley.
00:07:42It's just numbers of nods.
00:07:44When you've designed star systems, blackjacks are gone with.
00:07:48Another win?
00:07:49Boom!
00:07:53Comfort, daddy.
00:07:59Oh, hello, Misty.
00:08:01Oh.
00:08:02It's so funny, me and from on your own.
00:08:04Come on.
00:08:05There was a funny story about gorillas.
00:08:08Or dolphins.
00:08:09Come on.
00:08:10How much have I won today?
00:08:12About a hundred grand.
00:08:15A hundred thousand smackaronis!
00:08:18That's got to be enough to get Ryan out of the back room!
00:08:21You know it never ends well.
00:08:23Take it from me, son.
00:08:25Take the win.
00:08:27Ah!
00:08:28Holy!
00:08:28It's the big PC!
00:08:30A hundred thousand quid.
00:08:32Come on.
00:08:32That's more than it's ever worth.
00:08:34I won it.
00:08:35The car's mine.
00:08:37I'll toss you for it.
00:08:38The other one, I think.
00:08:39You heard what you said.
00:08:40The customer's always right.
00:08:41I'll tell you what I do.
00:08:43Uh, Matt, come here, son.
00:08:44Yeah.
00:08:45Who is this?
00:08:46Right, now.
00:08:47You find the lady, and the penalty's yours.
00:08:51Yes.
00:08:51Yes.
00:09:09That's a shame.
00:09:11The penalty's still mine.
00:09:14I've lost worse things than that.
00:09:19You're a loser, Crowley.
00:09:21You only become here to lose.
00:09:22You could have walked out of here a very rich man.
00:09:29Come on.
00:09:44Were you good?
00:09:49What do you think of the speech?
00:09:51I think it's a bit on the nose.
00:09:55I, um...
00:09:56I like telling stories.
00:09:59Uh, like parables, if you will.
00:10:01Which, um, which draw people in...
00:10:02Aziraphale wrote it.
00:10:04It's been market-tested.
00:10:06On him.
00:10:10Metatron level.
00:10:15What?
00:10:17What are you doing there?
00:10:19You know you are not allowed up here.
00:10:22And what are you doing with that?
00:10:25Give it to me!
00:10:26I am the only entity authorized to...
00:10:33Are you...
00:10:34Are you...
00:10:43Stay here.
00:10:50Somebody sounded the alarm.
00:10:52That would have been me.
00:10:53Something's wrong.
00:10:55The Metatrons have vanished.
00:10:56Vanished?
00:10:58Could you have gone for a walk?
00:10:59He's not in the universe.
00:11:01That's ridiculous.
00:11:03I mean...
00:11:03Along, off.
00:11:04The only way the Metatron would be gone from the universe is if...
00:11:07There wasn't a Metatron any longer.
00:11:09If he was dead, you mean?
00:11:10Of course the Metatron's not dead.
00:11:14Sandalfon?
00:11:15Where's Jesus?
00:11:24Earth.
00:11:50Oh, hello.
00:11:51Excuse me.
00:11:52I'm out of cash, mate.
00:11:53Sorry.
00:11:54No, no.
00:11:54Something smells good.
00:11:56I haven't eaten in a long time.
00:12:00Here.
00:12:01Toasted cheese, Sani.
00:12:03You need it more than I do.
00:12:08This is really kind of you.
00:12:10You know, Mel's a man who had three sons.
00:12:13Sorry, mate.
00:12:14Food I can do.
00:12:15Well, I'm not really up to stories.
00:12:18Oh, actually...
00:12:19I'm looking for...
00:12:21He has, um...
00:12:23He has red hair and yellow eyes.
00:12:25He knows a lot of things.
00:12:27I think he's an angel?
00:12:30Don't know.
00:12:36Excuse me.
00:12:39Excuse me.
00:12:40I'm sorry to wake you.
00:12:41I'm not asleep.
00:12:42I'm not cold.
00:12:44Oh.
00:12:44Would you like some of my cheese, Sani?
00:12:46Oh, leave me alone.
00:12:48It was heartbroken.
00:12:51It was world broken.
00:12:53It's the point of anything.
00:12:54I wanted to ask you.
00:12:56You showed me all those cities.
00:12:57What should I do now?
00:12:59Yes.
00:12:59The thing is.
00:13:02The thing is, isn't it?
00:13:03What was I saying?
00:13:04You were saying the thing is?
00:13:05That thing of the three cars, isn't it?
00:13:09Always.
00:13:10Find the lady.
00:13:12You learn that.
00:13:12You're set.
00:13:13Find the lady.
00:13:15Love tunnel.
00:13:15Bring the baby.
00:13:17Shove, shove, shove, shove.
00:13:19Shove, shove, shove.
00:13:20I want to live in the wrong place, isn't it?
00:13:24That thing with the three cars, find the lady.
00:13:28And if I learn to find the lady with the three cars, that will help me understand my purpose here.
00:13:34You are taking up my valuable passing out wrong time.
00:13:40Be gone.
00:13:41All right.
00:13:42Night-night.
00:13:44Night-night.
00:13:44Night-night.
00:13:47Obviously, Jesus won't be in the Earth observation files.
00:13:50The Antichrist wasn't.
00:13:51But the Book of Life is something else entirely.
00:13:55So, where is it?
00:13:57Well, it should be on that lectern, where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:14:03You can't just walk away.
00:14:04You need to report this.
00:14:05Well, there's not currently anyone to report to.
00:14:07The Metatron's done a bunk, remember?
00:14:09Indeed.
00:14:10No Metatron.
00:14:10As the former Archangel Sandalfon says.
00:14:12Former Archangel.
00:14:14Unfortunate demotion.
00:14:15Because of losing the Messiah.
00:14:16But you can't.
00:14:17Oh, we can't lose Jesus and the Book of Life at the same time.
00:14:20Two things.
00:14:21No, we've also lost the Metatron.
00:14:23Three things.
00:14:23Oh, dear.
00:14:25Oh, dear.
00:14:29A lot on your plate.
00:14:30Balls being dropped.
00:14:34Look, why don't I try to locate the Book of Life with, um, with...
00:14:41Muriel as my investigating angel.
00:14:44And then I can focus on finding Jesus.
00:14:46Yes, yes.
00:14:47Yes, excellent plan.
00:14:50A demotion.
00:14:52He didn't mean it, did he?
00:14:53I'm afraid he did.
00:14:54Junior recording angel Sandalfon.
00:15:03Oh, no.
00:15:04Oh, no.
00:15:05Sober him up!
00:15:06Ha!
00:15:09Do you think he's dangerous?
00:15:11Not anymore.
00:15:13Well, but somebody prod him.
00:15:15He's pretending he's asleep.
00:15:18Ha!
00:15:19I quit, Dagon.
00:15:21Didn't you get the memo?
00:15:23Oh, my God.
00:15:27You didn't send a memo.
00:15:30That's because I quit.
00:15:33I'm unquitting you.
00:15:34Forthwith.
00:15:36Upstairs has begun Operation Second Coming.
00:15:42Oh, I see.
00:15:43Mm-hmm.
00:15:45So the end times have begun.
00:15:47Again.
00:15:48Oh, there you go.
00:15:50No, I don't go.
00:15:52They've lost him.
00:15:56Who?
00:15:57No.
00:15:59The one who starts it off.
00:16:00Nailed up, boy.
00:16:02Jesus.
00:16:04Jesus.
00:16:07And I'm here because...
00:16:09We need you to find him, Crowley, before they do.
00:16:13Right.
00:16:14You can't even say his name.
00:16:15What will you do if you do find him?
00:16:17A hostage.
00:16:21With...
00:16:21Jesus.
00:16:22In our hand, we can attack heaven.
00:16:27And the war of all wars will reign us down.
00:16:31Ha!
00:16:31We'll be living upstairs.
00:16:33Ha!
00:16:34And they'll be down here.
00:16:36You understand humans, Crowley.
00:16:40So find him.
00:16:41Help us.
00:16:42We'll help you.
00:16:44No.
00:16:45No.
00:16:46Oh, no.
00:16:48No!
00:16:50No.
00:16:51Well, you'll regret this.
00:16:55I'll add it to the lid.
00:16:59Well, get him out of here!
00:17:04Are you okay?
00:17:06Uh, yes, of course.
00:17:08I just, um...
00:17:10I need to, uh...
00:17:12sort this out.
00:17:14Now, where to start?
00:17:16Why don't you ask your...
00:17:19friend...
00:17:20friend...
00:17:21to help?
00:17:25My...
00:17:26Oh, no, no, no.
00:17:27No, I can't.
00:17:28That's out of the question.
00:17:30He might like to see you anyway.
00:17:33Last time I saw him,
00:17:34he wasn't in the best way,
00:17:35to be honest.
00:17:37He seemed a bit...
00:17:40lost.
00:18:12Oh, I never thought I'd see your face here again.
00:18:15I, um...
00:18:18Um...
00:18:18Oh, everyone's gone?
00:18:20Or been bought out?
00:18:22Not me.
00:18:24I stick it out here in Soho like a...
00:18:27barnacle to a rock.
00:18:31I, um...
00:18:33Hello.
00:18:35Look, um...
00:18:36My friend, Crowley.
00:18:38Have you...
00:18:39Have you seen him?
00:18:40You wouldn't be looking for him
00:18:41unless you needed something.
00:18:43Because you're a taker, you are.
00:18:45You never cared for him.
00:18:46Or Wickford Street.
00:18:48I...
00:18:48I love Wickford Street.
00:18:50Yeah?
00:18:51Well, where were you when it got bad?
00:18:54You know,
00:18:55I never thought
00:18:57he'd be back to gloat.
00:19:01To gloat?
00:19:03He's down there.
00:19:05Yeah.
00:19:35I've, um...
00:19:36Please get up.
00:19:38I'm fine down here, Franks.
00:19:43Look, I know you're upset with me.
00:19:45Yeah.
00:19:46But I'm willing to overlook that.
00:19:48Because, well, we have a lot to discuss.
00:19:53I have nothing to say to you.
00:19:56If you're expecting me to do the
00:19:57I was wrong dance,
00:19:58then I'm afraid you'll be waiting
00:20:00rather a long time.
00:20:01And we're way beyond little dances, Angel.
00:20:06Close the door in your way, Al.
00:20:10But you...
00:20:11You don't have a door.
00:20:23No!
00:20:25No!
00:20:28No!
00:20:28No!
00:21:03You were in a bookshop for centuries.
00:21:06You loved your bookshop.
00:21:09And then you just walked away.
00:21:11What happened here?
00:21:13Well, you tell me.
00:21:15Uriel was meant to take over the place.
00:21:16They were here for a few weeks and then closed the door.
00:21:20I needed Muriel.
00:21:21I needed someone to work with me in heaven who was nice.
00:21:26Oh.
00:21:27But that's not what I meant.
00:21:29What I meant was what happened here.
00:21:32I've been gone for years.
00:21:34I mean, the place is a bit dusty, yes.
00:21:38No windows broken.
00:21:40Nothing's been taken.
00:21:42No roadblood problem.
00:21:45You'd expect rats, wouldn't you?
00:21:47You weren't here.
00:21:49I wasn't going to lose this place as well.
00:21:55No.
00:21:58Obviously not.
00:22:01But I suppose I should say thank you.
00:22:06Better not.
00:22:10Do you want an apology from me?
00:22:14I was trying to do the right thing.
00:22:16Well, you know what they say about the road to hell.
00:22:18What?
00:22:20Need repaving.
00:22:22Look, Kremic.
00:22:24I've come to help you.
00:22:26Have you?
00:22:27Yes.
00:22:28No, you haven't.
00:22:28This is about Jesus.
00:22:30You were bringing him back and now you've lost him.
00:22:32How do you know that?
00:22:34Live in a alleyway.
00:22:35People tell you things.
00:22:36Well.
00:22:38Yes.
00:22:39I mean, there is that.
00:22:41I need...
00:22:43We found the Antichrist together.
00:22:45You and me.
00:22:45Ancient history.
00:22:46Jesus remembers you, you know.
00:22:48He was asking after you.
00:22:51He seemed...
00:22:53Well, very nice.
00:22:56And now he's out there on his own.
00:23:00Poor thing.
00:23:02I only hope they don't nail him up again.
00:23:05Well, they wouldn't be that again, surely.
00:23:06Well, they haven't changed much, have they?
00:23:09Heaven is looking for him.
00:23:10Hell will be, too.
00:23:12No one can find him.
00:23:13Crowley, this is bigger than you and me.
00:23:16Well, I can't help you.
00:23:16Why not?
00:23:17Don't have a car.
00:23:18Well, then, by all means, get your car.
00:23:20Where is it?
00:23:22You lost it?
00:23:23Yes.
00:23:24How?
00:23:26Lost it again.
00:23:27Skill and chance.
00:23:28I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
00:23:29I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:23:31To whom?
00:23:32Brian Cameron.
00:23:34Brian?
00:23:35I've never heard of him.
00:23:36Sounds like an accountant.
00:23:37How on earth could you lose your Bentley to a man named Brian Cameron?
00:23:40He's a gangster.
00:23:43I was still sleeping in my car.
00:23:49I always wanted a classic Bentley.
00:23:51I thought a man who owns a car like that must definitely be up for a little wager, a little
00:23:55gain of skill and chance.
00:23:57I'm not going to do that.
00:23:58This is my house.
00:23:59Of course I can't, you know, force you to play.
00:24:01But what I could do is set it far to that little bookshop and burn it down to the ground
00:24:06right
00:24:07for now.
00:24:09Now, it's because I see you sleeping outside here and I often see you inside.
00:24:14Keeping a cheeky little eye.
00:24:16I paint the car.
00:24:17I am a businessman, so I'm not a common thief.
00:24:20I'm really suggesting we have a little gentleman's game.
00:24:23I've had enough of this.
00:24:27Your miracle account is no longer active.
00:24:29Please go away.
00:24:31My legal department drew this up.
00:24:34You know, just have a little game.
00:24:35You win.
00:24:36I walk away and nothing catches fire.
00:24:39You lose.
00:24:41And I get the Bentley.
00:24:44I'm not a wolf.
00:24:47Just sign there now.
00:24:49So, what's the game?
00:24:51It's my favorite board game, actually.
00:24:54Well, what you've got to do is you've got to own everything and you leave everyone else
00:24:57penniless, crushed and miserable.
00:25:02Sounds like a game only a human could invent.
00:25:04You can be the show.
00:25:32Oh, dear.
00:25:34You already mortgage all your property, sir.
00:25:36Come on, it wipes you out.
00:25:38Doesn't it really?
00:25:38It's still it, you see?
00:25:39It's a bloody good game, isn't it?
00:25:43Penniless, crushed and miserable.
00:25:46What on earth did you let him get away with it?
00:25:48I mean, a contract's a contract.
00:25:49What can I do?
00:25:50Hellen cut me off.
00:25:51Miracle's not an option.
00:25:52You were elsewhere.
00:25:54Yes.
00:25:54Very well, then.
00:25:56We shall go and get our Bentley back.
00:25:58My Bentley.
00:25:59Of course.
00:26:00And then...
00:26:04And then you'll help me find Jesus.
00:26:08I'll do it myself.
00:26:11Crowley!
00:26:12Crowley.
00:26:13Crowley.
00:26:15I am so disappointed in you.
00:26:17I'm still my car.
00:26:18I like my Bentley back.
00:26:20Yeah, well, I'd like to play for the Arsenal, but that ain't going to happen.
00:26:22Neither is it, mate.
00:26:23I just need my car.
00:26:24You need teaching a lesson is what you need.
00:26:26And I am.
00:26:28So going to enjoy that.
00:26:31Who are you?
00:26:31I'm a retired bookseller.
00:26:35I've come to get my friend back.
00:26:37And our car.
00:26:38His car.
00:26:40You're a friend of his.
00:26:41No, he's not.
00:26:41I rather think I am.
00:26:42I'm rescuing you.
00:26:44And liberating our Bentley.
00:26:45Yeah, well, bollocks you are.
00:26:46It's my car.
00:26:47I want it fair and square, so you could just, you know, like, goodbye.
00:26:50Rather excited to meet you, actually, Mr. Brian Cameron.
00:26:53From what I hear, you're the second best player of games of skill and chance in all of London.
00:26:58Well done.
00:27:00Second, you say?
00:27:01Well, of course.
00:27:02After me.
00:27:05Perfect.
00:27:09Misty, my love.
00:27:10Break out the board games.
00:27:12I'm afraid not.
00:27:13According to your very own rules, as the challenger, I get to choose.
00:27:18You are.
00:27:20Competitive crossword solving.
00:27:21It's not even a game, is it?
00:27:23First one to finish correctly, it's the Bentley.
00:27:26Now be careful now.
00:27:27Yeah, listen, I can fill in a crossword, all right?
00:27:30But I can, uh, ask people for help.
00:27:33I can call them for help if I need it.
00:27:34All right?
00:27:35I can collaborate.
00:27:36Oh, seek as much assistance as you require.
00:27:39Okay.
00:27:39One.
00:27:40One across nine letters.
00:27:42The measured tread of the saints round the dome of St. Peter's.
00:27:45How appropriate.
00:27:46Well, it's ridiculous.
00:27:47In this case, the word round tells you to look with one word inside another, giving us the
00:27:52opening word into the dormitory.
00:27:54Billy.
00:27:56Billy, yes, mate.
00:27:56Yes, I need the solution for today's cryptic crossword.
00:27:58I need it right now.
00:28:01He's got to be on the whip.
00:28:01Someone do, like, a search or something.
00:28:04Yeah, well, then find the bloke that wrote the crossword and threaten him.
00:28:07Tell him we're going to kill his husband or his dog or something like that.
00:28:10Finish.
00:28:13What?
00:28:17No, no, no, no.
00:28:18You could have written anything down.
00:28:20What's ten down?
00:28:23Miss Desmond Levitates for David's Spacey Song refers to Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard
00:28:29and can be rephrased as Norma Flies, which is an anagram of the David Bowie song, Life on Mars.
00:28:38I'll take the car and my friend.
00:28:44Why can I have mine?
00:28:45Brian, Brian, I did give you a chance.
00:28:48You really mustn't get angry, you know.
00:28:53Shut up.
00:28:54Wait.
00:28:55We need to get a wiggle on.
00:28:57Jack, you're right.
00:28:58Shut up.
00:28:59Dad, sit down.
00:29:00Sit down.
00:29:01Sit down.
00:29:01Shut up.
00:29:02Pull an ambulance.
00:29:04Ow.
00:29:04Ow.
00:29:15You're feeling quite pleased with yourself right now, aren't you?
00:29:18Ooh.
00:29:20Deal's a deal.
00:29:23Right, let's kill us over with.
00:29:24So where is Jesus?
00:29:25I don't know.
00:29:28You don't know?
00:29:29I don't know.
00:29:30Otherwise, I wouldn't need to find him, would I?
00:29:31I wouldn't need him.
00:29:32You wouldn't need me, right.
00:29:34Nice doctor.
00:29:35Sure.
00:29:37Seriously, no idea.
00:29:40Earth's quite big, you know.
00:29:41Yes, I'm aware of that.
00:29:42I don't know.
00:29:42Ring a bell.
00:29:43Leave out snacks.
00:29:45Hang signs on lampposts saying Missing Messiah can offer small reward.
00:29:47No.
00:29:48Look, I don't know.
00:29:56So, do you have any idea where the Book of Life might be?
00:30:01No.
00:30:02I'm afraid not.
00:30:04I'm afraid not.
00:30:04I'm afraid not.
00:30:05Of course I don't.
00:30:07That's a shame.
00:30:08Or then, any idea how we can have got to wherever it is that we don't know where that even
00:30:15is?
00:30:20Excellent question, then.
00:30:29I need to find the lady.
00:30:31Oh.
00:30:33Well, once upon a time, my love, I could have seen you well sorted, but it's all up on the
00:30:38internet now, isn't it?
00:30:41Um, just sit anywhere.
00:30:49Who are you?
00:30:51Jehoshua.
00:30:52Bless you.
00:30:53Bless you.
00:30:55Harry Frisch, mate.
00:30:57Or Harry the Fish, as was back when me name meant anything.
00:31:02Then I will call you Harry the Fish.
00:31:04You were a fisher of?
00:31:08What do you do with those cards?
00:31:10For I've been told to find the lady.
00:31:12Find the lady?
00:31:14I did used to work the Monty, sure.
00:31:17With a team of guys.
00:31:19I miss them.
00:31:21I had friends.
00:31:23A team.
00:31:25Twelve friends.
00:31:27I'm solo now.
00:31:28No more Monty, just me.
00:31:31You've got an honest face.
00:31:33You have a beautiful face, Harry.
00:31:36But one filled with pain.
00:31:38So, how do I find the lady?
00:31:44Find the lady.
00:31:45Yeah, find the lady, find the gravy.
00:31:48Here she is, there she goes, where she ends up.
00:31:50Nobody knows.
00:31:56Well, will you teach me?
00:32:04How about some music?
00:32:06Maybe a little Tom Tom garage?
00:32:10Or some riprap?
00:32:11Or a go-go.
00:32:12You have absolutely no idea what any of that means.
00:32:14Yes, I do.
00:32:15They're all types of bebop.
00:32:17Stop flustering me.
00:32:18I can't think straight.
00:32:20Things have been really very complicated for me at the moment, you know?
00:32:23Yeah, you've lost Jesus and bollocks on the second coming.
00:32:25It doesn't get much more complicated than that.
00:32:26And we may have lost the book of life.
00:32:30You've lost it?
00:32:31Well, it does seem to be evading us rather successfully for the moment.
00:32:35Unbelievable.
00:32:37You leave me to go back to Sword Art, haven't you?
00:32:39You've made it into more of a mess than it was already.
00:32:41Look, I had a chance to make a real difference.
00:32:42You still don't dare to do it.
00:32:44You can't change anything.
00:32:46It's all rigged.
00:32:47The entire universe.
00:32:48But I have to try at least.
00:32:49Can't you see that?
00:32:51I don't want an awful, judgy, second coming with those scary horses and half the world being smited.
00:32:58If I'm the boss...
00:32:59Why, you're not.
00:32:59And you never will be.
00:33:00There's always someone above you, stuck in the deck.
00:33:02Well, not now there isn't.
00:33:03The Metatron's disappeared too.
00:33:06Oh, super.
00:33:08Mr. Big Giant Floatyhead bought you a lovely coffee himself as done a runner.
00:33:12Ha ha.
00:33:13You could have avoided all this.
00:33:16We could have done a runner ourselves.
00:33:18Our house should come with me.
00:33:19We could be drinking cocktails on Alpha Centauri.
00:33:21This could be someone else's problem.
00:33:22How could we have been happy there,
00:33:24knowing that we were leaving all these people to goodness knows what awfulness?
00:33:28Second coming.
00:33:29Apocalypse.
00:33:30The end of everything on Earth as it is on Alpha Centauri.
00:33:34I could stop all that.
00:33:35I just wanted to save everything.
00:33:37And so that everybody could have a chance, including us.
00:33:43And how's that working out?
00:33:50Stand aground.
00:33:52Keep walking.
00:33:53We're just coincidentally walking in the same direction.
00:33:55Okay.
00:33:57I may know something.
00:33:58What?
00:33:58Race forward.
00:33:59If I tell you, I want to be reinstated as an archangel.
00:34:02I don't have that power.
00:34:03Not yet, you don't.
00:34:04Meet me in the corridor in the space between.
00:34:06They won't be looking there.
00:34:20Hello?
00:34:23Muriel?
00:34:25Hello?
00:34:28Muriel?
00:34:29Is that you?
00:34:40Muriel?
00:34:41Muriel?
00:34:41What are you doing here?
00:34:43This area has been closed off.
00:34:45I was here to meet Sandorfan.
00:34:48Ah, Muriel.
00:35:08Why are you stopping?
00:35:09No, no, no.
00:35:10We can't park here.
00:35:11They'll be looking for the Bentley.
00:35:12They don't have to see it, do they?
00:35:15Oh.
00:35:18Really?
00:35:20We know Jesus is on Earth, but it's a big place.
00:35:24He could be anywhere.
00:35:25Well, he likes deserts.
00:35:26Or he used to.
00:35:27Spent 40 days in one back when I knew him.
00:35:34He can't be.
00:35:36Well, obviously.
00:35:38No.
00:35:40No.
00:35:42I understand.
00:35:43That was Seraquiel.
00:35:44It appears that Sandorfan has...
00:35:47Also vanished.
00:35:48Seraquiel thinks he's been murdered.
00:35:51I need to get back to heaven.
00:35:52You'll just have to begin the hunt for Jesus here yourself.
00:35:54No, no, no.
00:35:54I'm coming with you.
00:35:55To heaven?
00:35:56You most certainly are not.
00:35:57You clearly can't do this on your own.
00:35:58Come on.
00:36:03Uriel.
00:36:04What are you doing in here?
00:36:06I've prepared a report on Sandorfan's murder.
00:36:10What's he doing here?
00:36:12Well, he's backup.
00:36:14Two heads, better than one.
00:36:16He's a demon.
00:36:17Former.
00:36:18Former demon.
00:36:19Now just a private individual.
00:36:23So, Sandorfan vanishes.
00:36:24He said he had things to tell me.
00:36:27I think it was about the Metatron and the Book of Life.
00:36:30You think?
00:36:31So no actual information, then?
00:36:34And perhaps you need some help.
00:36:35Uriel.
00:36:36Uriel is perfect for the job.
00:36:39Your assistance is not required.
00:36:41Your infinite holiness.
00:36:43I would like to register a complaint.
00:36:45This person should not be allowed in heaven.
00:36:49A complaint duly noted and registered.
00:36:53Will it make a difference?
00:36:55Oh, no.
00:36:58So, the Book of Life, wouldn't the archive monitor show who took it?
00:37:01Of course I thought to check the archive.
00:37:04Look.
00:37:06One moment, it's here.
00:37:08Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:37:10The next, it's not.
00:37:12So the moment of theft has been edited out.
00:37:15Not edited.
00:37:16It just goes.
00:37:17I looked for fingerprints, for a magnifying glass, and footprints.
00:37:21So, if the archive wasn't edited, what if reality was?
00:37:26That's perfectly impossible.
00:37:28By the Book of Life itself, you mean?
00:37:31That's brilliant.
00:37:32Simply remove the moment the book was taken from the book itself.
00:37:35Reality adjusts to conform.
00:37:37You can't just remove things from reality.
00:37:39Well, hang around for a while.
00:37:40Sure, while reality catches up.
00:37:41Len.
00:37:45I'll bet you that's what's happened to the Metatron.
00:37:47Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.
00:37:49Right.
00:37:50Back to work.
00:37:51Chop, chop.
00:37:52Don't dilly-dally.
00:37:55Oh.
00:37:56Thank you, sir.
00:37:57No need.
00:37:57You're doing an excellent job.
00:38:03What is hell is actually behind this?
00:38:06Someone must have had a motive for the theft.
00:38:08A motive for the murder.
00:38:09It wasn't you.
00:38:10I mean, no, it wasn't me.
00:38:12Angels aren't killers.
00:38:13Sorry, are we talking about the same angels?
00:38:14I think you should return to hell and find out everything you can.
00:38:18They know me.
00:38:19I'm not going back.
00:38:20They know you.
00:38:21But they don't know me.
00:38:23I could ask around.
00:38:25Take a look.
00:38:26You are not a demon.
00:38:28They found an undocumented angel wandering around hell.
00:38:30They'd kill you just for starters.
00:38:33You forget.
00:38:34I'm a master of disguise.
00:38:36No, you're not.
00:38:37Sounds really good.
00:38:39Are you sure they would recognize me?
00:38:42Huh?
00:38:44Pretty sure.
00:38:49Yes?
00:38:50My lord Archduke, Slauch the Vile, master of the secret torments, is here to see Lord Dengon.
00:38:59I don't have anything in the calendar.
00:39:01He has come directly from downstairs.
00:39:04We are downstairs.
00:39:06All the way downstairs.
00:39:17An emissary from all the way downstairs is here.
00:39:22Downstairs?
00:39:24What, now?
00:39:25They're meant to let us know.
00:39:27I don't believe Lord Satan is under any obligation to do anything to make things easier for you, Degon.
00:39:37Right.
00:39:39Yes.
00:39:40Sorry.
00:39:41No.
00:39:45Have we met?
00:39:47I don't do a lot of mingling.
00:39:50No.
00:39:50No, Lord Satan keeps me very busy with all the, you know, secrets, torments and that.
00:39:58Yes, of course.
00:39:59We are here because of the turmoil upstairs.
00:40:05Your reports on the matter have been disappointing.
00:40:13So I came to investigate personally.
00:40:20The second coming?
00:40:23They lost him, didn't they?
00:40:25Yes.
00:40:26But I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.
00:40:30Unless...
00:40:32We know where he is.
00:40:35Nothing like that.
00:40:37No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:39But I'm here on the other matter.
00:40:43Other matter?
00:40:45Upstairs.
00:40:46A murder.
00:40:48A disappearance.
00:40:50The Book of Life.
00:40:52Missing.
00:40:55Don't say you haven't heard anything.
00:40:57We just know what we put in the report.
00:40:59The Metatron and a couple of Archangels removed from the Book of Life.
00:41:02Thus, a vanishing.
00:41:04That's all we know.
00:41:06If someone is holding a help from the even further downstairs.
00:41:14We didn't even know the book was missing.
00:41:16Our secret sauce on the top floor.
00:41:18Let it slip.
00:41:23Well, I will, uh, let his infernal darkness know how helpful you've both been.
00:41:32That's...
00:41:32That's good, isn't it?
00:41:34Is it?
00:41:38Let's hope so.
00:41:47It's a dance, Josh.
00:41:49Find the rhythm.
00:41:54See, the trick is never to think of it as a trick.
00:41:58The cards want to be manipulated.
00:42:01A bit like people, really.
00:42:03Even me.
00:42:05Wait a minute.
00:42:05I remember this.
00:42:07Remember what?
00:42:09Somebody's all at a loss.
00:42:10And then I say something that helps.
00:42:13Go on, then.
00:42:14Well?
00:42:16Well, for I say to you this.
00:42:17If a man has a boat, then he has the ability to fish.
00:42:21Well, just as...
00:42:22Has he got a net?
00:42:22What?
00:42:23The bloke with a boat.
00:42:24He'd need a net.
00:42:25Or a rod.
00:42:25I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?
00:42:28No, I may be a bit rusty.
00:42:30I mean, it's been a few centuries.
00:42:32Wait, okay.
00:42:33There was a widow who had three sons.
00:42:36And the first son was a fisherman.
00:42:39Are all these stories about fishing?
00:42:41No.
00:42:42Hurry.
00:42:50Find the lady.
00:43:05I didn't see a thing.
00:43:08You know, maybe the card's life isn't something you want to be involved in.
00:43:12No.
00:43:13It's the right thing to do.
00:43:15It's a way to reach out to people.
00:43:17I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.
00:43:19It's people finding peace and love and happiness.
00:43:24Happiness.
00:43:24Let me tell you something, Josh.
00:43:26Life, this life, blinds you to what matters.
00:43:30Right?
00:43:30I had kids.
00:43:32You know.
00:43:33Missed them growing up, didn't I?
00:43:35Because I was too bloody busy working the cards.
00:43:45Let's give it a go, shall we?
00:43:47I've ordered enormous vans of dim sum for you.
00:43:50That's a bottle of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape, 1988.
00:43:52You know, I'm not going to eat.
00:43:54I'm not that angel any longer.
00:43:57No, it's my job to set an example for all the other angels by making choices.
00:44:04Good, upstanding choices.
00:44:06Right.
00:44:07Does that include choosing heaven instead of me?
00:44:11I chose heaven because of you.
00:44:14You showed me what it meant to be brave and to make a difference, to stand up for what
00:44:19I believed in.
00:44:20Did I?
00:44:21Yes.
00:44:22You told me that heaven wasn't on anybody's side.
00:44:25And I realized I could change that.
00:44:27I could make it on everybody's side.
00:44:30In what way?
00:44:31Well, for a start, Jesus was meant to be sent here to end it all, to end everything.
00:44:38Oh, yes, then.
00:44:38And, well, I did eventually persuade upstairs that the Second Coming didn't have to be Armageddon.
00:44:44It could be a second chance to get things right, to make things better, to inspire the humans
00:44:50to be, you know, nicer.
00:44:52What did God say to that?
00:44:54Well, she didn't tell me to stop.
00:44:58Oh.
00:45:00Oh.
00:45:03He, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know.
00:45:06Jesus.
00:45:06He even remembered your kingdoms of the world routine.
00:45:10Oh, did he?
00:45:10He was nice.
00:45:13Oh.
00:45:14What?
00:45:16Oh.
00:45:17He was here.
00:45:19Light of the world.
00:45:21Mary's bloody boy child.
00:45:22He was here.
00:45:23In Soho.
00:45:25Oh.
00:45:25That was him.
00:45:26I talked to him.
00:45:26On my noses this whole time.
00:45:27And you didn't recognize him.
00:45:29Now, before you get all judgy.
00:45:30In my defense, I was astonishingly drunk.
00:45:33Well, that's hardly an actual dip.
00:45:35No, no.
00:45:35I won't do that.
00:45:36No.
00:45:36This is good news.
00:45:37Means he can't be far.
00:45:38Yeah, certainly.
00:45:38Narrows down the scope of the search.
00:45:40Way fewer temples.
00:45:42Deserts.
00:45:43What about hell?
00:45:43Any clues?
00:45:44I don't think they had a clue about anything, to be honest.
00:45:47In fact, I'm even realizing that some of their information was off.
00:45:52How so?
00:45:53Well, their sources told them that the Metatron and two archangels had been murdered using
00:45:58the Book of Life.
00:45:59And?
00:46:00Only one archangel has been murdered.
00:46:02Sandalfon.
00:46:03So what they were told is wrong.
00:46:06Unless.
00:46:08What they heard was not what had already happened, but a plan.
00:46:13Why would anybody tell them their plan?
00:46:16Because they're a bit deranged.
00:46:18The wrong hands of the Book of Life has the power to drive anyone mad.
00:46:22We're not built to cope with pasts, presents, and futures that don't match up.
00:46:27Time stops meaning anything.
00:46:29Constantly unhappening bits of reality could make someone lose track of what will be true.
00:46:35But isn't true yet.
00:46:37Exactly.
00:46:39And if it's not someone from hell who has the plan, then...
00:46:43Then...
00:46:45Oh no!
00:46:49Oh!
00:46:56I really have missed food.
00:46:59So, I think the next step...
00:47:01The next step is you sitting back down.
00:47:03Hello, Misty!
00:47:05Everything okay?
00:47:06My dad's in intensive care.
00:47:08You know, the toughest bloke in all of London, and you two could have killed him.
00:47:12I don't think we did.
00:47:13He won your car fair and square.
00:47:15Just as my friend wanted fair and square back from him.
00:47:16You said they stole it.
00:47:18Yeah.
00:47:18Not at all.
00:47:19We signed a contract.
00:47:20And then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.
00:47:22Oh, that is a tough one.
00:47:24Misty, your dad is in hospital because of anger.
00:47:26Management issues in a dodgy heart valve.
00:47:27Shut it!
00:47:29You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop, and you're going to watch us burn it down.
00:47:34I think I sold it!
00:47:36How are you supposed to be?
00:47:38The case.
00:47:38Michael chose me to investigate the book's disappearance, and I've been investigating.
00:47:43And then I thought...
00:47:44What is this?
00:47:44I'm really enthusiastic, and I've read a lot of human detective books, and I'm nice.
00:47:50Kind of in the middle of something, yeah?
00:47:51But I'm only the perfect person for the job if you don't want the real answer.
00:47:56I'm the useful idiot!
00:47:58And then I thought...
00:47:59Oh my heavens!
00:48:00I know who did it!
00:48:01I made a deduction!
00:48:02A proper one.
00:48:03You worked out that Michael's the one that's been doing this?
00:48:05Yes.
00:48:06Um, I worked out that my...
00:48:09Oh, you knew?
00:48:10Yeah.
00:48:10Look, can we please focus on the threats of extreme violence?
00:48:13We worked it out over Dim Song.
00:48:14Hell knew what was happening, or about to happen, before we did.
00:48:18Michael's the one that talks to Hell, so it's always been backchannel, so...
00:48:21Yeah.
00:48:21But your deduction really was excellent.
00:48:23What are you getting?
00:48:25Bookshop?
00:48:26Burn!
00:48:26Burn the bookshop!
00:48:28Hell is not much!
00:48:30How about some gentle ribbing?
00:48:31Oh, for...
00:48:32Oh, the hell are you?
00:48:33You are not Lord Slorch.
00:48:34His vileness was elsewhere, inventing new torments.
00:48:37Your presence was a violation of preternatural diplomacy.
00:48:40This means war, doesn't everything?
00:48:43Hello again.
00:48:44Oh, hello.
00:48:46You're almost certainly in trouble, too.
00:48:48Quiet!
00:48:49What are you standing around for?
00:48:51Break something?
00:48:52Lots of things!
00:48:53To be fair, Misty, Brian's cardiologist was always suggesting yoga and mindfulness.
00:48:58Change of diet, getting away from thinking about work.
00:49:00Shut up and start hurting people.
00:49:03Never really solves anything, though, doing that, does it?
00:49:05No.
00:49:06And you know, you can love your father without having to be like him.
00:49:10Perhaps there'll be a miracle and he'll pull through.
00:49:13Not that he deserves it.
00:49:15You should be at his side.
00:49:20I've no idea who that thing was.
00:49:22She's right.
00:49:23It must be hurting and burning.
00:49:26Hell is not mocked!
00:49:31Missing Messiah is one thing.
00:49:31Book of life in the wrong house is quite another.
00:49:33It's potentially the end of everything.
00:49:34Finding might live, is there?
00:49:43Hello, Uriel.
00:49:45You looking for me?
00:49:47I need to speak to Aziraphale.
00:49:48Oh, if you mean the Supreme Archangel, you can talk to me.
00:49:52Aziraphale has, um, other plans.
00:49:55Wait, Supreme, you're not in charge.
00:49:57Strictly speaking, I have other plans for him, but, you know, potato, potato.
00:50:02I have a plan for everything.
00:50:05Well, it's more of a checklist.
00:50:07Quite long.
00:50:08But, uh, just the one item for Aziraphale.
00:50:13Not existing anymore.
00:50:16The Metatron.
00:50:18Sandalphal.
00:50:19I undid the war.
00:50:22Why?
00:50:24Oh!
00:50:25I don't know.
00:50:27Maybe the literal infinity of grinding slog.
00:50:32Carrying out the idiotic plans of Archangels too vain or too nice to get the job done.
00:50:38I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.
00:50:43The Second Coming must be done properly.
00:50:46As it was foretold.
00:50:48But that means...
00:50:48Yeah!
00:50:49It means destruction!
00:50:51It's my go this time!
00:50:54And it's going to be a clean slate.
00:50:55Very, very clean.
00:51:09Would you like to know how I did it?
00:51:11Would you?
00:51:13It's remarkably easy.
00:51:18I did it like...
00:51:21I did it like...
00:51:24Do you know what's going to happen to you now, Uriel?
00:51:27No, I...
00:51:27Nothing.
00:51:29Nothing's going to happen to you.
00:51:32All the nothing in the world.
00:51:36Oh, look!
00:51:37Look!
00:51:39Look!
00:51:39It's happening right now!
00:52:01Uriel's gone.
00:52:02Gone? Gone where?
00:52:03Gone, gone. Murdered, I expect.
00:52:05There's a second death, mingo.
00:52:06We worked out who did it.
00:52:08Michael.
00:52:09How did you know?
00:52:10Because you're too dim.
00:52:12He's too nice.
00:52:13And I'm confident that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.
00:52:18Meanwhile, things are just disappearing.
00:52:21Pop, pop, pop.
00:52:25And Canada.
00:52:26We've just lost Canada.
00:52:28Michael's destroying the Book of Life.
00:52:30No, no, no, no. It's impossible.
00:52:31We'll let you destroy it.
00:52:32A few pages here and they're fine, but no, no, no, no.
00:52:34It's too well made.
00:52:36Where is Michael now?
00:52:37Not on Earth, not in Heaven.
00:52:39Then your guess is as good as mine.
00:52:42If the Book of Life can't be destroyed here, where can it be destroyed?
00:52:45There isn't anywhere.
00:52:48Yes, there is.
00:52:49We all fought for control during the Great War.
00:52:51My side lost.
00:52:51The Eternal Flame.
00:52:53That would do it.
00:52:55Michael must have used the Book itself to travel to the center of the universe.
00:52:59That's the only way of getting there.
00:53:01That is where you are very wrong.
00:53:03Angel, time to go.
00:53:04You two, keep it all together.
00:53:05Earth, do everything you can.
00:53:07Yes, please do.
00:53:08You've always been so good at that.
00:53:10Worked so hard.
00:53:20Australia?
00:53:22What good's in Australia anyway?
00:53:23It's just stuff, people, boomerangs, big, bouncing rats.
00:53:39Wasn't there?
00:53:39Found him.
00:53:40And I found the lady.
00:53:41And I found my mission, too.
00:53:42We really should be going.
00:53:43It's to reach out to people.
00:53:44And do that with them reaching out.
00:53:46And make them feel well until the very end, which hopefully won't happen.
00:53:54Come on, man.
00:53:55Let's get started.
00:53:59How fast did you say this goes?
00:54:01On Earth, about 150 out there.
00:54:03All the faster than light.
00:54:23Oi, oi.
00:54:24Step right up and no mistake.
00:54:26Easiest money you'll ever make.
00:54:28Come on, gather round.
00:54:29I've got to say something as well, you know, a bit of patter.
00:54:31Come to me, all of you who are weary, and I will give you rest.
00:54:38Come to me if you are hurt or lonely.
00:54:41A bit dark, maybe.
00:54:44Looking back, I have a feeling that this is precisely the sort of thing that got me in trouble the
00:54:48last time.
00:54:49I'm with you this time.
00:54:50Don't worry.
00:54:51Speak to him.
00:54:54I only wanted to put my foot all the way down.
00:55:14Oh, there goes Alpha Centauri.
00:55:16No cocktails there, that's...
00:55:19Hang on, angels!
00:55:40Come to me, all ye.
00:55:42I have a gift for you.
00:55:43Did he just say all ye?
00:55:44Have some elaborate bread and cheese.
00:55:49Is there any more of that?
00:55:53You know, Martha was an accident.
00:55:55He mixed up the pill bottles.
00:55:57I always wondered.
00:56:00Loved him so much.
00:56:02I'll have a slice, love.
00:56:04Your sister in Bridlington.
00:56:06Hang on, how...
00:56:07She wants you to come home.
00:56:08Yeah?
00:56:09Well, she said I brought shame on family, so...
00:56:12Well, she's too proud to apologise.
00:56:14And your mum's ill.
00:56:18Blessed are the lonely and the hungry.
00:56:20Come to me, those who are lost.
00:56:23For you shall find your way home.
00:56:28Please take a piece.
00:56:30There's plenty for all.
00:56:32And blessed are you.
00:56:33Above all men,
00:56:36Harry the fish.
00:56:38For you've taught me the way of the three cards.
00:56:41You're like a son I never had, Josh.
00:56:44I mean, I did have a son and he doesn't speak to me.
00:56:46But if he did,
00:56:47I couldn't be more chuffed.
00:56:50Not only have they lost Nailboy,
00:56:52they've proved to buy logs
00:56:54by it down here.
00:56:56No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:56:58Now that heaven's lost its stupid second coming,
00:57:01it's all gone through,
00:57:02and feral punkers.
00:57:04Oh, they're the bad guys now.
00:57:07No, no, no, it's our time.
00:57:11Isn't this pretty much what you said last time?
00:57:14But now it will finally be me
00:57:18at the front of our army,
00:57:20marching into heaven.
00:57:22Let's go.
00:57:29Armageddon.
00:57:44Your soul is important to us.
00:57:47Please hope.
00:57:51You know,
00:57:52you went completely down.
00:57:54Oh,
00:57:56I was.
00:58:04This doesn't feel like universal happiness.
00:58:07Does anybody know what's happening?
00:58:08My phone's dead.
00:58:10Where is everyone?
00:58:13Where did he go?
00:58:17But I haven't gone on back to Bricklings.
00:58:20You are a joy bringer, Josh.
00:58:23And I wanted to tell you that I...
00:58:30Well,
00:58:31this is it,
00:58:32I suppose.
00:58:34Into your hands,
00:58:35I commit my spirit!
00:58:38Again.
00:58:40I never really seem to get much of a go.
00:58:52Hello, Michael.
00:58:53Do you want to talk about this?
00:58:55I don't really feel like talking,
00:58:57thank you very much.
00:58:59I've got a lot to do.
00:59:00I'm burning it all.
00:59:04Air fryers.
00:59:05I'm the only one who knows
00:59:05there ever were air fryers.
00:59:07You poor thing.
00:59:09You must be so tired.
00:59:12What's that?
00:59:13Well,
00:59:13you've been doing everything,
00:59:15haven't you?
00:59:15So long.
00:59:17And no one ever said thank you,
00:59:19did they?
00:59:21Not once.
00:59:22Ever.
00:59:24You must have got so tired
00:59:26being overlooked.
00:59:27Not being appreciated.
00:59:29For thousands of years,
00:59:32somebody had to make things work.
00:59:35And you were so good at that.
00:59:37So capable.
00:59:38I was.
00:59:38I was.
00:59:39And they were so stupid.
00:59:43You were Aziraphale
00:59:44and Gabriel
00:59:45and the Metatron.
00:59:47Do you remember the Metatron?
00:59:49He's here somewhere,
00:59:50I think.
00:59:51Oh, yes.
00:59:52I'm here.
00:59:53You still know
00:59:55I existed,
00:59:56Michael.
00:59:57Be quiet.
00:59:59Be quiet!
01:00:01Quiet?
01:00:01We don't have to listen to you.
01:00:04You killed us!
01:00:08I'm the only one
01:00:09who remembers.
01:00:11I remember everything.
01:00:13Strands,
01:00:14all the possibilities,
01:00:17everything that happened,
01:00:19everything that didn't.
01:00:21I remember it all.
01:00:22It's all in my head.
01:00:24Oh, it hurts!
01:00:26Back to the ceiling!
01:00:31It's over.
01:00:35Metatron did it first.
01:00:37He used to just,
01:00:38he used to just fiddle
01:00:40with things in the book,
01:00:41get them how he wanted them,
01:00:42and I thought maybe I could do that.
01:00:43Maybe I...
01:00:45I...
01:00:46I'm the only angel
01:00:47who can make
01:00:48the original plan work.
01:00:50The great plan.
01:00:52I do understand.
01:00:54I just wanted to fix things.
01:00:56Yes.
01:00:57Yes, me too.
01:01:00But through love
01:01:02and hope.
01:01:05Michael.
01:01:05What?
01:01:06There is only ever one way
01:01:08to fix things.
01:01:12And I'm
01:01:13going to do that now.
01:01:14What?
01:01:16What are you going to do?
01:01:18I'm going to forgive you.
01:01:21You...
01:01:22You can forgive me.
01:01:27I...
01:01:30I...
01:01:32I can't.
01:01:34No.
01:01:38Turn a hand, quickly.
01:02:02Open.
01:02:05Someone might want to buy a book.
01:02:08As far as I can tell,
01:02:10the entirety of creation
01:02:11is us in this bookshop.
01:02:14I don't think
01:02:15you're going to get
01:02:15many customers.
01:02:19Crowley.
01:02:20Before anything else happens,
01:02:23there is one more thing
01:02:24that needs fixing.
01:02:25What?
01:02:27I need you to forgive me.
01:02:30Oh, come on, angel.
01:02:31I need to hear you say it.
01:02:34Please, Crowley.
01:02:39You were right.
01:02:40No, no, no.
01:02:40Don't do that, Don.
01:02:42Well?
01:02:44I'll forgive you.
01:02:45I didn't...
01:02:46I forgive you.
01:02:54Well, it's just us.
01:02:58In the whole of everything.
01:03:02It's a place for us.
01:03:04We've got nothing.
01:03:07We've got each other.
01:03:09And we've probably got some cocoa.
01:03:12And we've got lots of books.
01:03:14Have we?
01:03:18Good luck reading these.
01:03:20But that's...
01:03:26Even the diggings.
01:03:29Well, if...
01:03:30If it's all come down to this,
01:03:31then there must be
01:03:33some sort of answer here,
01:03:35finally,
01:03:35to everything.
01:03:37Oh, yeah.
01:03:38100,000 blank books,
01:03:39but one with all the answers in them.
01:03:41Doesn't sound very likely, does it?
01:03:42Yes.
01:03:52Can I...
01:03:53Can I help you?
01:03:54I'm afraid all the books
01:03:55appear to be blank.
01:03:57Even the dickings.
01:03:59I know you.
01:04:02You do, yes.
01:04:04Oh.
01:04:05Yes, there is
01:04:06something familiar
01:04:07about you.
01:04:09Last time you saw me,
01:04:10I was a thousand feet high.
01:04:12Bright red.
01:04:13Lots of horns
01:04:14and fabulous teeth.
01:04:16Arguing with my son.
01:04:17Satan.
01:04:18You're Satan.
01:04:20That's really just a...
01:04:21A job title.
01:04:22It means the adversary.
01:04:25And I don't know
01:04:26if I still have a job.
01:04:27But yes.
01:04:29I was the Satan
01:04:30for a very long time.
01:04:33Hello, Crowley.
01:04:34How are you still here?
01:04:36Is that any way
01:04:37to greet an old friend?
01:04:38Oh, we were never friends.
01:04:40I want answers
01:04:41and I want them now.
01:04:43I don't give answers.
01:04:44And God definitely doesn't.
01:04:47So,
01:04:48you're the devil.
01:04:50Can't have been much fun for you.
01:04:54Fun?
01:04:56It's not about having fun.
01:04:58It's about pride
01:04:59and honor.
01:05:00It's about refusing
01:05:01to acknowledge humans
01:05:02as superior.
01:05:03It's about challenging God.
01:05:05Yeah,
01:05:06but you never really did,
01:05:07did you?
01:05:07Excuse me?
01:05:09The great revolt,
01:05:10the war in heaven,
01:05:11what was that then, eh?
01:05:12Two-week holiday in Marbella?
01:05:14You knew what we didn't know,
01:05:16didn't you?
01:05:16You knew we couldn't win.
01:05:18You were never going to win,
01:05:19were you?
01:05:20That wasn't the plan.
01:05:21I didn't know that.
01:05:22I thought we had a chance
01:05:23and so did you.
01:05:24That's why you joined up.
01:05:26I don't remember
01:05:27why I joined you
01:05:28not anymore.
01:05:29I was tired
01:05:30and I was angry.
01:05:31I wanted it all
01:05:32to make sense.
01:05:33And you seemed to care.
01:05:35I did care.
01:05:37Nah.
01:05:38You were just doing your job.
01:05:42Do you have a pen?
01:05:49What kind of pen do you need?
01:05:56Pass me a book.
01:05:57Which book?
01:05:59Well, it doesn't matter
01:06:00if I'm blank.
01:06:01Whichever one you give me
01:06:01is the right one.
01:06:03Bleak House.
01:06:09But that isn't a book of play.
01:06:11It is if we say it is.
01:06:14What are you two idiots
01:06:16doing now?
01:06:17I want answers.
01:06:18Oh, no.
01:06:20No, you can't do that.
01:06:21Oh, yes we can.
01:06:24Do you want to write it?
01:06:27Give me the pen.
01:06:34There were four of them
01:06:36in that bookshop
01:06:37which was the whole world.
01:06:39An angel,
01:06:41a former demon,
01:06:43the devil himself
01:06:45and one other.
01:06:47One who was there
01:06:48because they were omnipresent.
01:06:51They had always
01:06:53been there.
01:06:54They would
01:06:56always
01:06:56be there.
01:07:02As you say,
01:07:03Aziraphale,
01:07:04you didn't really need
01:07:04to summon me.
01:07:05I was already here.
01:07:07Yes, you can be everywhere
01:07:09but
01:07:10that doesn't mean
01:07:12you'll talk to us, Lord.
01:07:14So, Crowley,
01:07:16what's your question?
01:07:17I thought you didn't
01:07:17answer questions.
01:07:18Time's done, Crowley.
01:07:20I'll answer
01:07:21one question from you
01:07:23but it had better
01:07:23be a good one.
01:07:24Oh, it's a good one.
01:07:26Well, I don't know.
01:07:27He's the only one I've got.
01:07:28Uh,
01:07:29it's not the problem
01:07:30of evil, is it?
01:07:31Because I can tell you
01:07:32I'm over being blamed
01:07:34for that one.
01:07:35No, no,
01:07:35not exactly that.
01:07:37No, just
01:07:41ask.
01:07:51Why make people
01:07:53and then punish them
01:07:54for behaving like people?
01:07:57Humans are gonna human.
01:07:58No matter what we do,
01:07:59there's nothing we can ever do about it.
01:08:00Oh, it is the problem of evil.
01:08:02Well, told you.
01:08:03So predictable.
01:08:04No, no, no.
01:08:04It's not the problem of evil.
01:08:06It's the problem of everything.
01:08:07Let's talk about people.
01:08:08They are born into a world
01:08:11that is against them
01:08:12in a thousand different ways
01:08:15and then devote most of their energy
01:08:16to making it worse.
01:08:18Where you'll find the real grace
01:08:20and the real heart-stopping evil
01:08:23is right inside the human mind.
01:08:26But a person
01:08:26isn't the worst thing
01:08:27they've ever done.
01:08:28Anyone, they're the best thing
01:08:29they've ever done.
01:08:29Why make them that way?
01:08:31That's free will.
01:08:32Free will?
01:08:33Nah, it's just a card trick,
01:08:34isn't it?
01:08:35Suckers think they're playing for real.
01:08:36Well, the dealer knows.
01:08:38Her body finds the lady
01:08:39unless she wants them to.
01:08:41What about you, Therophel?
01:08:43Me?
01:08:43You?
01:08:45Do you have a burning question?
01:08:52I just wish it had been easier.
01:08:55I just wanted to do the right thing.
01:08:57You what?
01:08:59You just wanted to be left alone to read.
01:09:01You wanted to consume
01:09:02all the yummy human food,
01:09:04the lovely human music.
01:09:06No, you say all that
01:09:07as if it negates me
01:09:07wanting to do the right thing.
01:09:09Zerophel,
01:09:10you were the first angel
01:09:11to lie to me.
01:09:13You were lazy,
01:09:16gluttonous,
01:09:17prideful.
01:09:18Quite true.
01:09:19And I was also
01:09:20the second best angel
01:09:21you ever had.
01:09:22You were what?
01:09:23The second best angel?
01:09:24So who do you think
01:09:25the best angel was?
01:09:29This one.
01:09:30I was a terrible angel.
01:09:32No, no.
01:09:33No, you were the best of us.
01:09:37You cared so much
01:09:38about everything.
01:09:40You were an artist.
01:09:42You wanted to understand,
01:09:44to make better art.
01:09:46The rest of us,
01:09:47we were just characters
01:09:49in her book.
01:09:51We didn't ask questions.
01:09:53You were the only one of us
01:09:54who genuinely believed
01:09:57there had to be
01:09:57a sensible purpose to it all.
01:10:01I'm nobody's character.
01:10:03If I'm just a part
01:10:04of her story,
01:10:05then what am I doing
01:10:07still here?
01:10:10Do you want me to tell him
01:10:11or will you?
01:10:12I'm interested in what
01:10:13you have to say, angel.
01:10:17Because it's a tidy way
01:10:19to finish.
01:10:21Two of you,
01:10:23deity and the adversary,
01:10:24facing off,
01:10:25and even shaking hands,
01:10:28and then it all ends
01:10:29for good.
01:10:30The cosmic game
01:10:32of chess
01:10:33is over.
01:10:35When really,
01:10:36you've just been
01:10:37a stand-in
01:10:38and a cosmic game
01:10:39of solitaire.
01:10:43Dikios.
01:10:45You know, Lord,
01:10:46I do have a question.
01:10:49Ask it then.
01:10:53Why give me Crowley?
01:10:57Why make me complete?
01:10:59And then take it away?
01:11:03You know you won't
01:11:04get an answer.
01:11:09Because you were able
01:11:11to value what most people
01:11:13never even know they have.
01:11:17Your love for him.
01:11:20was the messiest,
01:11:22silliest,
01:11:23most predictable thing
01:11:24in the universe.
01:11:27And it always made me smile.
01:11:32But that was then.
01:11:34That universe is over.
01:11:37As I think are both of you.
01:11:40Oh my God, don't stop!
01:11:42You still haven't answered
01:11:43the first question.
01:11:44What I want to know is,
01:11:46why did you think
01:11:47it was a good idea?
01:11:48Even a sensible idea.
01:11:51To make an infinite universe.
01:11:54Run it for 6,000 years.
01:11:56And then just
01:11:57tip the board over.
01:12:00The whole thing's lunacy.
01:12:01Everything ends.
01:12:03A story doesn't have to go
01:12:04beyond the last page
01:12:05of its book, Crowley.
01:12:07And that story is over.
01:12:08I don't accept that.
01:12:09And I do not accept
01:12:10that you're the one
01:12:11that gets to make
01:12:11all these decisions.
01:12:12Why should that be?
01:12:14Very well.
01:12:17I'll let you choose.
01:12:19This decision,
01:12:20this one decision
01:12:23can be yours.
01:12:24What do you want?
01:12:26Do you want me
01:12:27to put everything back
01:12:28the way it was?
01:12:31Can I talk?
01:12:33Very well.
01:12:34I'll give you privacy.
01:12:48So,
01:12:51what do you want?
01:12:53Me?
01:12:54Why me?
01:12:55But I only want one thing.
01:12:58And that's not what this is about anymore.
01:13:01What do you want, Krillin?
01:13:13You know what I want?
01:13:18I want a real universe.
01:13:24I want people to have a chance.
01:13:27I want free will to be a real thing.
01:13:34People deserve the chance to live in the real world.
01:13:46Even if there are no angels.
01:13:51No demons.
01:13:55No, love.
01:14:00Ever again.
01:14:12Did I say the wrong thing?
01:14:14No.
01:14:15No.
01:14:28I believe we've come to a decision.
01:14:34So then he says, I've got a better idea, and let's not, and say we did.
01:14:41So I thought, well, there you go.
01:14:47Yes.
01:14:49Made your decision.
01:14:53We want you to create another universe.
01:14:57No universe.
01:14:57No universe.
01:14:57One without angels.
01:14:59Or demons.
01:15:01No God.
01:15:03No Satan.
01:15:06A universe without a heaven, and without a hell.
01:15:09No great plan.
01:15:11Nothing ineffable.
01:15:13It just starts with the Big Bang, and then, billions of years later, with the heat death
01:15:17of the universe.
01:15:18Or, you know, however it stops heat death isn't a deal breaker, isn't it?
01:15:22You're asking God to create a godless universe?
01:15:28Neither of you could ever exist in such a universe.
01:15:31You understand.
01:15:32Wait.
01:15:34You're not going to indulge them in this nonsense, are you?
01:15:37Yes.
01:15:38Yes, I think I am.
01:15:42You two fully comprehend the cost.
01:15:45We know what we're asking for.
01:15:50Very well.
01:15:54I'll make it.
01:15:55I'll make the universe your way.
01:15:58I'll even let an Earth happen.
01:16:00Eventually, there'll be humans and life in all of its mundane glory.
01:16:05Something that both of you will neither know or experience, though.
01:16:11That doesn't matter.
01:16:15Say goodbye, then.
01:16:161
01:16:182
01:16:222
01:16:231
01:16:272
01:16:441
01:16:452
01:16:461
01:16:46Oh, my God.
01:17:17Excuse me.
01:17:18Yes, can I help?
01:17:19Yeah, I was just passing. I saw the show.
01:17:21Do you have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:24Astrophysics?
01:17:25Derek, do we have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:29Is it there, beside gardening?
01:17:32Opposite philosophy.
01:17:34I knew that.
01:17:36This way.
01:17:40Ah, here we are.
01:17:44Astrophysics for everyone.
01:17:45From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.
01:17:47God, we've had this for years.
01:17:49I think I could probably give it to you for half price.
01:17:54You have no idea how much that hurts me.
01:17:57Did I say something wrong?
01:17:58No, I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry. No.
01:18:02I wrote it.
01:18:05Oh, oh.
01:18:07Well, right.
01:18:09Yes, you don't want your own book.
01:18:12Probably already got a copy.
01:18:13Two boxes in the garage.
01:18:16Um, well, how about this?
01:18:19Yes, it's not exactly cutting edge, but...
01:18:22Oh, this is, um, Arthur Eddington's Booker on Runners, too?
01:18:25Second edition, I'm afraid.
01:18:27Oh, this, I've always wanted a copy of this.
01:18:29Oh, wonderful. This is my lucky day.
01:18:31Oh, good.
01:18:32Mine too.
01:18:34How so?
01:18:34Because I, um, I have a book you want.
01:18:38Fair enough.
01:18:40Oh, 20 pounds. Wonderful. Thank you.
01:18:48Oh, did you see we've got a couple of brown coxins?
01:18:52And that big book of astrophysics for everyone.
01:18:55No, no, no, he's, he's the author, Derek.
01:18:57Yes, he has two boxes in his garage.
01:18:59Oh.
01:19:00I definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.
01:19:01There you are.
01:19:02Enjoy.
01:19:04Well, thank you.
01:19:11So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.
01:19:15How do you know that?
01:19:17Hmm?
01:19:18Well, his name's in big letters on the book you're still holding.
01:19:23Well, aren't you going to go after him?
01:19:25Why would I possibly go after him?
01:19:27Well, you liked him.
01:19:29And it looked very much like he liked you.
01:19:40Oh, I mean, excuse me.
01:19:42Stop.
01:19:43Oh, sorry.
01:19:44Alisa, is everything okay?
01:19:47Oh.
01:19:49I told you two boxes.
01:19:50No, I know.
01:19:53Sorry, a bit puffed.
01:19:54No, I've horses.
01:19:56Would you, could you sign it for me?
01:19:59Of course.
01:20:00What's your name?
01:20:01Uh, Fel.
01:20:02Aza, Fel, with an S.
01:20:04Um, do you not...
01:20:05Oh, dear.
01:20:05Sorry.
01:20:06Uh, yeah.
01:20:11I need you to write your number down, too.
01:20:13For me.
01:20:15So I can ask you to dinner.
01:20:18And, uh, you'll say no, and, um...
01:20:22Well, at least I'll have asked.
01:20:26Um, I'm not going to give you my number...
01:20:30No, no, no, no, no.
01:20:31Sorry.
01:20:32I'll wait for you.
01:20:34Where are we having dinner?
01:20:49I'm sorry.
01:20:54Oh, dear.
01:20:55There's your eyes.
01:20:56It's all good.
01:21:14So, how was everything?
01:21:16It was scrumptious, absolutely scrumptious.
01:21:19I don't think I've ever had anyone use that word in their life before.
01:21:22How will my mother use it?
01:21:23Right.
01:21:24Another one she used to say was Tickety Boo.
01:21:27Right.
01:21:27And Squiffy.
01:21:29Squiffy is here.
01:21:30Hopelessly yet amusingly drunk.
01:21:32Yes.
01:21:32Yes.
01:21:34And so the bookshop.
01:21:36Ah, well, Derek.
01:21:39He...
01:21:40Time after time.
01:21:41If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting.
01:21:46Time after time.
01:21:48If you're lost, you can look and you will find me.
01:21:54Time after time.
01:22:21Time after time.
01:22:21If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be where we wait.
01:22:25Oh, look.
01:22:26A shooting star.
01:22:32Technically, it's meteorite debris from Haloscon.
01:22:34Well, I know it's not a real shooting star, but I want to make a wish.
01:22:46You hear that bird?
01:22:49That's definitely a nightingale.
01:22:52How can you tell?
01:22:54But it's not an owl.
01:22:56And it's night.
01:22:58You wouldn't have a nightingale if it perched on the end of your memory.
01:23:01Definitely, definitely a nightingale.
01:23:02You'd have a wonder if there's anything more than this.
01:23:09I don't need anything more than this.
01:23:10Because I have the universe out there, and I have you.
01:23:18I have everything I ever wanted.
01:23:20I've got a breath left.
01:23:22I look.
01:23:23pants on my nerves and tingles.
01:23:25And I finally forget about them.
01:23:26I literally wait.
01:23:27I'll catch ya next week.
01:23:27Go back, pop up.
01:23:27And then put that connection next week.
01:23:28We can bet you.