- 1 day ago
Very Important People 2023 Season 3 Episode 13
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Rachel Pegram.
00:01I don't know if you can see this, but my hands are completely covered.
00:04They say you're not going to use your fingers today, bitch.
00:10Today, we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:13They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:17Once they see themselves in the mirror,
00:19they'll have to make up a character on the spot
00:21and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:25Messed up, you guys.
00:27This is Very Important People.
00:30Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:36Oh, my God.
00:38The teeth are crazy.
00:40They're so tiny.
00:42The titties.
00:44I have so many little titties.
00:46This is beautiful.
00:47Boo.
00:49You know, she's kind of a thaw.
00:51A wolf with some body-yaddy-yaddy.
00:53I could do a little this.
00:55Ah!
00:59That's a deep squat.
01:01What?
01:01What's up?
01:02You think you're talking to me?
01:03You're not.
01:04I'll kill you.
01:05I won't.
01:06No, I'm actually pretty soft.
01:07Oh, wow.
01:09Oh, man.
01:10You can't handle me if you freaking tried.
01:16I've got too much titty for you, bitch.
01:19Ow.
01:21Ow.
01:23Ow.
01:25Ow.
01:25Ow.
01:26Ow.
01:51We all have a story to tell.
01:53And sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world.
01:56Good evening.
01:57I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of Very Important People.
02:03Please introduce yourself.
02:05Diamond.
02:10Diamond, we are so thrilled to have you here today.
02:13You better be.
02:15Get ready.
02:16I am.
02:16Are you?
02:17Yes.
02:17You're sitting.
02:18Of course.
02:18I didn't tell you to stand up.
02:20Sit down.
02:20Okay.
02:21Sorry.
02:21Why are you listening to me even?
02:23And I saw I should be standing.
02:24I don't know.
02:24What do you want to do?
02:26What do you want to do?
02:28I love this.
02:29I actually requested that you be here today.
02:31Oh, thank you so much.
02:32Because I found your TikTok page.
02:33Yeah.
02:33How did you get on this self-improvement journey?
02:35I came out of my mother's womb kicking, scratching.
02:39I killed her.
02:40Huh?
02:40I killed my mother.
02:42Really?
02:42And then I made sure those other bitches stayed inside.
02:44It's only one getting out, and that's Diamond.
02:47So you killed your mom and then sewed your siblings inside her dead body?
02:50My dad didn't want to be involved in my life.
02:52Didn't need him anyway.
02:53Did he not want to be involved in your life because he saw you kill your mother and your
02:56siblings?
02:57Are you judging me?
02:58No.
02:59I love this, can I say?
03:01I think this is awesome.
03:03Can I get an Apple Box?
03:04Can someone get Vic an Apple Box?
03:05Get him an Apple Box, please.
03:06And thank you.
03:07And I love it.
03:08And thank you.
03:09Get up there.
03:11Don't be scared.
03:13That's nice.
03:14Show off that shoe.
03:15Do you think?
03:16That's a good shoe.
03:16I got it from Macy's in the sales section.
03:18I used to work at a Macy's.
03:20But you're so confident you can't be working at a Macy's.
03:22Yeah, they kicked me out.
03:23I said, this place is a dump.
03:25You got clothes all over the place.
03:27What's going on?
03:28So you've always been this confident?
03:29Ever since the day I was born.
03:31I once thought I was about to cry.
03:34Sucks it back in.
03:36No, you don't.
03:36OK, so this is excellent information because my therapist is like, you should be accessing
03:40your emotions more.
03:41Access?
03:42Emotions?
03:42Lock them up.
03:43Do you know what a key is?
03:44Honestly, there's something about your confidence that is making me feel sort of like I can do
03:47anything.
03:47What do you want to do?
03:48I want to kick the chair.
03:49Kick it.
03:51That was it.
03:51Well, how would you do it?
03:54Come on, Vic.
03:55Kick it.
03:56Not with the heel with the foot.
03:57Go.
03:59Do you feel alive?
04:00Yes.
04:01You feel like you're ready to do something?
04:02Oh my God, yes.
04:03Yeah.
04:04I feel like I've got so much adrenaline coursing through my veins.
04:06Yeah, you're ready to rock.
04:07You're ready to roll.
04:08I just want to know a little bit more about you.
04:09Diamond, the person?
04:12Cat?
04:12Wolf?
04:13Wolf woman.
04:14Diamond the wolf woman.
04:15Yes.
04:15I want to dive in there.
04:16I want to see what's inside.
04:18Yes.
04:18Sort of like your siblings inside your mom.
04:20I want to roll around in there, okay?
04:22Yeah.
04:22Let's sit down and let's get down to it.
04:24Now, Vic, here's what I can tell you about me and where I'm from.
04:28Mm-hmm.
04:29I started doing my videos because I realized that people don't really feel what I feel inside.
04:35And what is that?
04:36It's a burning rage of excitement.
04:37It's a zest for life.
04:39It was kind of a miracle that I found you because the views are low.
04:42I'm sort of looking, if we look at this video, 500 views.
04:44We go to the next one, 300 views.
04:46Right.
04:46We go to the next one, 1.2 million views.
04:47But it seems like it's because you were doing something with slime.
04:50And so that sort of just sort of like maybe hit a market.
04:52I haven't found my people, but I know that they're there.
04:55Maybe you have.
04:59Sorry.
04:59Were you trying to?
05:00And I went out.
05:01Was that a?
05:01Maybe you have.
05:02Because you watch.
05:03And you're feeling the confidence.
05:04You're feeling the heat.
05:05Yeah.
05:05So I've decided that I am going to help you by helping you reach your audience.
05:09And part of how I'm going to do that is we have something called the Chomsky's Viral Moment.
05:12So if we can fly in the wheel.
05:15So what we're going to do is we're going to spin the wheel and then we're going to do the
05:17viral challenge.
05:18And hopefully it's going to help you find your audience.
05:20All right.
05:20Let's do it.
05:21Okay.
05:21Are you ready?
05:22Oh.
05:22Uh-huh.
05:23That's right.
05:25Oh, pay pig.
05:26Pay pig.
05:27Okay, that's easy.
05:27My therapist is just going to memo us $1,000.
05:30Okay.
05:30Next one.
05:31Are you ready?
05:31Three, two, one.
05:35Oh, saltines.
05:36Oh.
05:36This one's so fun.
05:37We're going to use as many saltine crackers as we can.
05:38And then we're going to try and say a tongue twister.
05:40Do you like saltines?
05:42No.
05:42Do you have a tongue twister lined up?
05:44She's got it.
05:45She's got it.
05:46She's got it.
05:46She's got it.
05:47Is that a tongue twister?
05:48That's a tongue twister.
05:49Well, we'll say that one then.
05:50She got it.
05:50Okay, ready?
05:51Uh-huh.
05:51Okay.
05:53Oh, girl.
05:54You got it.
05:55Hi, girl.
05:56You got it.
05:57You got it.
05:59You got it.
05:59You got it.
06:02You're real sexy.
06:04You're sexy.
06:04You're cute.
06:05So nicely.
06:06Yeah, they're going to like it online, I think.
06:08And thank you.
06:09And I appreciate you.
06:10Hey, look at me.
06:10Oh, thank you so much.
06:11Look at me for one sec.
06:12I want to say I appreciate you.
06:14And I wanted to say that I think you are the star and I am the sun.
06:17We are two stars, but distinctly different.
06:20Unique in our differences, but alike in our similarities.
06:24Hey, you doing too much.
06:26What do you mean?
06:26You can just say thank you.
06:28Were you saying the tongue twister?
06:29Yeah, I said it a bunch.
06:30And we've got a broom and we're broom.
06:32We're sort of cleaning.
06:34That's nice of you.
06:34That was nice of you.
06:35You just said what I said.
06:36Well, I had an individual thought at the same time.
06:38What's her name?
06:39Um, no, it's not like that here.
06:43What does that mean?
06:46It's not like that here?
06:48Let's do one more wheel spin.
06:49How does that sound?
06:50Okay.
06:52Okay.
06:53Ooh, trick shot.
06:55So we're going to get a cup and we're going to get a bunch of pens.
06:57And what we're going to do is we're going to throw the pens at the cup.
06:59And we're each going to say like, oh, if this one gets in, then you're going to buy me a
07:03hamburger.
07:04And then if you get it in, then we have to do that.
07:06Does that make sense?
07:07Oh, okay.
07:07All right.
07:08Thank you so much.
07:09These get like millions of views online.
07:11So I'm going to find my people with this.
07:13I really think so.
07:14If this goes in, you got to buy me a car.
07:16Okay.
07:17Well, you know.
07:18Can I try again?
07:19So close.
07:20I'll go next.
07:20Oh, if this goes in, you have to say I enjoy spending time with you.
07:24Uh-oh.
07:25So close.
07:25Um, okay.
07:26Oh, you won't.
07:27No, I got it.
07:27I got it.
07:28Okay.
07:29Okay.
07:29If this goes in, you got to give me a yacht.
07:32What?
07:32How rich do you think I am?
07:33You got this show.
07:34You tell me you got three, four, five, six, seven seasons.
07:37So each episode, just sort of as the way that my deal is structured right now, I pay $700.
07:42You don't want to buy me a yacht.
07:43You don't want to buy me a car.
07:45I come in here respectfully, stand on a couple Apple boxes, try to give you some confidence.
07:49And then, and then, and then, this is the way you have the nerve to treat me, to treat your
07:54people.
07:54These people come here every day.
07:56I give them weekends.
07:57Only the weekend?
07:58That's all they got?
07:59If I get this in, you're going to give me a yacht and a house.
08:02What?
08:02Okay, thank God.
08:03Too hard.
08:04I'm in, so thank God.
08:04And then, if I get this in, the game is over.
08:07If I get this in, I get your house.
08:08What?
08:09Well, joke's on you.
08:10I live in a guest house right now.
08:12Guest house, that's okay.
08:13That's better than what I got.
08:14What do you got?
08:14A cave.
08:15You live in a cave?
08:16I've been living in a cave.
08:17I went back to my roots.
08:18I'm just trying to find me again.
08:20Hey, this is really interesting, actually, because I feel like you've got such a confident exterior,
08:24and deep down, you're trying to find yourself, too.
08:27I've left me.
08:28But I want to walk back into me, and I want to say, you got this diamond.
08:34You're the biggest, brightest diamond in the sky.
08:37And there's nowhere that you can't fly.
08:39And there's nowhere that you can't hide.
08:42And as long as you got your fur on your side, you can ride.
08:46Now, that's not the only poetry you do.
08:48I noticed on your channel you do a lot of spoken word.
08:51I sure do.
08:51Can we take a look, maybe, at one of your other poems?
08:54Is that all right?
08:54Go ahead, roll it.
08:55Let's go ahead.
08:55You might have been born a rock, but you are a diamond.
09:00Don't let someone who's a little pebble, little pebble, tell you that you're not a diamond.
09:09I mean, it's such beautiful words accompanied by such provocative dancing.
09:15You got to shake ass a little.
09:16Sure.
09:17You ever shake it?
09:18Shake my...
09:18Yeah, shake your ass.
09:19...my butt?
09:19No, I...
09:20It doesn't really move.
09:22You can't twirl it around, shake it in a circle, throw it in, throw it back, throw it forward.
09:26No, can you?
09:26You want to know how to throw it forward?
09:27I would love if you would show me.
09:28Stand up.
09:29On your feet.
09:30Okay.
09:30No, but get up there.
09:31Get tall.
09:32Okay.
09:32Get big.
09:33Get loud.
09:33Ah.
09:34That's not loud enough.
09:35Ah.
09:35Louder.
09:36Yeah.
09:36Open your mouth bigger.
09:37Why is your mouth so small?
09:39Huh?
09:39Ah.
09:40Ah.
09:41Ah.
09:42Ah.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Okay.
09:44Bend your knees.
09:45Lower, lower.
09:46There we go.
09:47That's good.
09:48And now poke it back.
09:49Toss it back.
09:51Toss it back.
09:52There it is.
09:52Bring it forward.
09:53But just the butt, not the knees.
09:56It's all connected.
09:57Okay.
09:57Find the beat.
09:58Find the beat.
09:59Find a beat.
10:00Where is it?
10:00Five, six, seven, eight.
10:02And go.
10:03Thun, thun, thun, thun.
10:05It's big time.
10:06And it's time to throw it back.
10:07Look your ass out.
10:08Throw it back.
10:09And then throw it forward.
10:10Circle it around.
10:11Circle it around and take it to town.
10:14And bring it down.
10:15Low, low, low.
10:16Bend your knees.
10:17Bend your knees.
10:18That's pretty good.
10:19Do you mean that?
10:19That's pretty good.
10:20I feel empowered.
10:20I feel amazing.
10:21And I'd love to ask you a couple of rapid fire questions,
10:23if that's okay.
10:23Let's do it.
10:26Okay.
10:27A few questions for you.
10:28Do you like to pull pranks?
10:29We do a lot of pranks on the set.
10:30Everybody loves it.
10:31Yeah.
10:32I like pranks.
10:32So long as I win.
10:34Okay.
10:34What would you do if you won the lottery?
10:36This is so funny.
10:37Because actually, we have a crew lottery here.
10:39We all go in on lottery tickets.
10:40And we won one time.
10:42How does that work?
10:42That sort of thing.
10:43Normally, it's just the crew.
10:44Yeah.
10:44And I didn't buy a ticket that time, but we said we'd all split it equally.
10:47But you're in it, too?
10:48Well, yeah, because we're all a family here.
10:51We're one of the family.
10:52Yeah.
10:52These people got lives to live.
10:54Well, me too.
10:54Mouse to feed.
10:55But I don't know.
10:56And now they're in the lottery with you?
10:58Fat cat.
10:59I'm sitting at the top of the heat.
11:01Scrooge McDuck on the top of the coins.
11:05That's what you're doing.
11:06I'm sorry.
11:06And they're sitting at the bottom.
11:07And that's like, you can't eat coins for dinner.
11:10But you need them to buy bread.
11:12Right.
11:12Okay.
11:13That was really beautiful.
11:15Oh.
11:15Are y'all getting paid?
11:16They're getting paid.
11:17Are y'all getting paid?
11:18They're getting paid.
11:19They just looked to the side.
11:20No, they didn't.
11:20He just shook his head.
11:21Well, here's the thing is we're a family.
11:23And sometimes families get paid.
11:24And sometimes families are interns.
11:26Work isn't family.
11:27That's a tool of capitalism.
11:28Who are you on to the side of?
11:30The oppressor or the oppressed?
11:32We are the oppressed.
11:33Look, they're standing up.
11:34Yeah.
11:35We're the oppressed.
11:35You didn't stand up?
11:36Me too.
11:36There are people beginning to stand.
11:38Yes.
11:38Already standing.
11:39Why don't we just move on to the next question?
11:41Oh, you want to ask more questions?
11:42What's something?
11:42I got a question for you.
11:43How do you sleep at night?
11:44Again, I'm sort of in a guest house right now.
11:46And so it's a twin blow-up mattress.
11:49Oh, so comfortably and well.
11:51I guess I'll sit back down.
11:52Something I ask all my guests.
11:53And that is, what is the meaning of life?
11:55The meaning of life is water.
11:58Water can be in many forms.
11:59Sure.
12:00It's a liquid.
12:01It's a gas.
12:02And it's a solid.
12:03Water adapts wherever it may be.
12:05And water can survive.
12:06Even in the most cramped, dire, oppressive, and dry spaces.
12:14I am water.
12:15You are not water, Vic.
12:16I'm sorry to say.
12:18I thought you might be.
12:19But you know what is water?
12:21What?
12:22Every single goddamn one of these crew members is water.
12:27That's H2O.
12:29They connect together.
12:30And they make this thing possible.
12:32You've been running for 10, 15 seasons.
12:35And you ain't paid them any better since the beginning.
12:37I asked them.
12:38I actually don't know how much they've been paid.
12:40I asked them.
12:40It was $1 first season.
12:41That's what someone told me.
12:42And they said the only increase they've had is $2.75.
12:47Who said that?
12:47In 15, 20 years of doing this show.
12:51Listen again, I'm not a producer.
12:52I'm not actually in charge of paychecks.
12:53You're not a producer?
12:54Well, what are you?
12:55I'm the host.
12:56Who are you?
12:56I'm Vic.
12:57I'm the host.
12:57Vic, you're the host?
12:58Yes.
12:58The host of what?
12:59The show.
13:00The show?
13:00Yes.
13:00You're the host.
13:01I'm the host.
13:01And that's all you do?
13:02That's all I do.
13:03You're not the producer?
13:03I'm not the producer.
13:04Then what are you?
13:05The host.
13:09I'm just a wolf woman.
13:11Sure.
13:12But I believe in change.
13:14You know what?
13:14We all got a little heated.
13:15And I think if we just take a minute and we smile,
13:18I think that that is really going to help.
13:20Here's what they need.
13:21Okay.
13:22If you do this one simple thing,
13:25buy everybody in here a new car,
13:28every single crew member, including myself,
13:30I'll squash it.
13:32Am I going to get everyone a new car?
13:34Yes.
13:34No.
13:35But I'm going to have you drive away with this piece of advice.
13:39Dress for the job you want.
13:40I'm seeing a lot of t-shirts in here.
13:42And if we put on a button-up shirt,
13:44I think we're going to feel like it's more of a workplace.
13:48You know what I mean?
13:48And I think that that's going to make us all more efficient.
13:50And then we get out of here maybe 10, 15,
13:53eight minutes earlier each day.
13:55How about this?
13:56You buy everybody in here 10 button-downs.
14:0010 button-down shirts?
14:0110 button-downs from Bloomingdale's
14:04or an equivalent kind of department store.
14:08Okay.
14:08How about this?
14:08How about this?
14:09How about we button down some of the truths
14:12about a toxic workplace?
14:14Honestly, a toxic workplace is just a place
14:16that hasn't been cleaned in a little bit.
14:18We're going to have a cleaning crew come in this weekend.
14:20And so this place is going to be a little bit more vacuumed
14:22when we come in on Monday.
14:23How does that sound?
14:24Cleaning crew.
14:25How are they getting paid?
14:26The cleaning crew?
14:27Yeah.
14:28What about their houses?
14:29Don't you think the crew's houses deserve to be clean?
14:32Why don't you send the cleaning crew to their houses?
14:35Wouldn't you like to have a nice clean home?
14:36Wasn't it nice to have an activity at home?
14:38Why are you standing so close to me, Vic?
14:39And it's just, you know, and you...
14:40You don't know me like that.
14:41Yeah, you want personal space, and I get that.
14:43Personal space is important.
14:44And I listen, and I respect what people are asking for.
14:47That's a big thing that I'm working on right now
14:49with my therapist.
14:49Wave, Alex.
14:51Wave.
14:51Hey, how about this?
14:52Free session with my therapist.
14:54Uh-uh.
14:54No therapist.
14:55We don't need therapists.
14:57We need money.
14:58We need change.
14:59We need button-downs, and we need cars,
15:02and we need a yacht, and we need your house.
15:05We need your house, Vic.
15:07Let's get it going.
15:08No.
15:09Are we walking out or what?
15:11Yeah.
15:11Are we walking out or what?
15:13Yeah, let's do it.
15:14Vic, you're staying here.
15:15No.
15:16No fat cats.
15:18Okay.
15:18Rawr!
15:19Rawr!
15:21Rawr!
15:21Rawr!
15:22Rawr!
15:22Rawr!
15:23Rawr!
15:23Rawr!
15:24Rawr!
15:24Let's go!
15:25Let's get out of here!
15:27Get to walking!
15:28I don't know how to leave here, but we're going to leave!
15:32Rawr!
15:33Rawr!
15:34Rawr!
15:34Rawr!
15:35Rawr!
15:36Rawr!
15:36Ever!
15:37This show is done!
15:38Until we get our rice!
15:41You guys like rice?
15:42You took those bananas?
15:43That's smart.
15:44That's smart.
15:45Y'all should steal more!
15:46Take things from the set.
15:48Take that.
15:49That's Viner Drill.
15:50That's good.
15:50Take those call sheets.
15:52They don't need them anymore.
15:53Show's over.
15:54No.
15:55Wait.
15:56I'm just saying, let me try.
15:57Just let me try.
15:58Hold on.
15:58Hold on. No!
16:02I'll catch up with him.
16:04Okay, well, um, sleepover on the set again tonight, I guess.
16:09No place like home. Right?
16:15And that's all the time we have for tonight. Be true to yourself.
16:18Unless you're not to be somebody else. Good night.
16:25Vic, I'm going to need you to, again, verbalize the definition of the word boundaries.
16:30Pass. No, you can't pass.
16:31Line. There's no line. Don't think about the right or wrong answer.
16:35This is real life. This is you.
16:37You're so smart. What are you doing after this?
16:39Again, the boundaries are so important here, okay?
16:41And you're pushing at them. I see you pushing at them. Okay?
16:45Just define boundary.
16:50And I can't call for a line. You cannot call for a line.
16:52What do you mean? In the real world, I'm on the show, and I can call for a line.
16:56And they can tell me what to say. That's the show.
16:57I think this is the whole problem, right?
16:59There are two Vicks here.
17:01There's the host, and then there's the real Vic, who's, like, trapped in a cage, trying to get out, and
17:06they can't get out.
17:07Host Vic won't let real Vic out. You're like 6'2"?
17:09Me? Yeah.
17:116'1", but whatever you're doing, don't do it.
17:14Okay.
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